


Lion Heart

by Fox_155



Series: Heaven (NCT Hybrid AU) [6]
Category: NCT (Band), WAYV
Genre: Aggression, Angst, Chronic Illness, Conflict, Dark, Discrimination, Dysphoria, Eating Disorders, Eventual Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Healing, Hybrids, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Pining, REALLY slow, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence, because Hybrids are of age at 14 here and not well treated, mentions of euthanasia, technicall underage, this might be another 100k
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-09
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-04-23 15:26:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 186,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19153783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fox_155/pseuds/Fox_155
Summary: By fate, or just by chance, Xiaojun had landed headfirst in the office of Doctor Moon, a place called Heaven, when he had tried to flee a life full of pain he no longer could endure.All he wanted, was to be free and find some friends.How could he be free, if he had been made to be a slave to humans? How could he have friends, when he knew everyone was going to betray him the next chance they got?I hate writing summaries, they’re always awkward and weird. Please check the tags!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own any of the people and this story isn't by any means an accurate representation of the people by whom it is inspired by.
> 
> Hello, it’s me, the person who cannot let go of her AUs and has to write spin-offs. This is a spin-off to [Moon Diamond](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17644265/chapters/41606183), you don’t have to read Moon Diamond to understand this, but it definitely helps. I’ll still try to explain everything, so this could be read as a stand alone. It’s set from Chapter 22 of MD on. 
> 
> PLEASE MIND THE TAGS!!
> 
> Xiaojun’s zodiac sign is Leo, which is where the title is from.  
> Anything in cursive is spoken in Mandarin.  
> Anything in bold is spoken in Cantonese.
> 
> This is the result of me transforming all the anxiety and stress uni is giving me into one angsty fan fic. In comparison, I think this is probably a bit more intense than Moon Diamond and Shooting Star were. I will not give additional Trigger Warnings; I have everything in the tags. In case you think there’s something missing, pleeease tell me!
> 
> Thank you to FullSunHyuckie, who listened to all my rants and gave me lots of input, to Thunderbirds, who inspired me to pick this back up after already having given up on it, and to everyone who read Moon Diamond and supported me. Idk if anyone wants to read this or if I've finally snapped with the angst but whatever. <3

#####

Something was wrong.

That was the first realisation Xiaojun had, as he came back up from the darkness completely numbing his senses.

There were people talking, someone yelling, but it all was dampened, like he had cotton in his ears that muffled any noise, a high static sound layering over everything.

He couldn’t breathe properly, he felt nauseous, like he was going to throw up, but he couldn’t feel the rest of his body.

Xiaojun wanted to tell someone, tell them to make it stop, let it end. All he wanted was for it to end, please! But his voice wasn’t working either.

Had he gotten away?

Who was he with?

Was it still them?

If it was them, he’d rather go into the darkness and never return. Actually… that seemed like a very inviting option regardless. Just never face anything anymore. Ever. Just let it all end.

He allowed himself to sink back down into complete unconsciousness, into the black nothingness that cancelled out everything else – hearing, seeing, feeling, tasting, smelling.

 

Was this it?

Well, that was anti-climatic. Like everything in his life, if he thought about it. Why should such a sad, miserable life end in anything even remotely interesting? Xiaojun had heard that life was supposed to flash by you when you died. It didn't, though. It was too bad, he'd love to go back to the time of happiness in his childhood.

When he had had friends when he had had a family.

On the other hand, re-visiting his life again would also mean he’d have to relive all the years of torture after. He’d rather not.

It was better like this. 

He had peace, at last.

 

But then, the darkness was ripped away from him, and Xiaojun felt himself gain consciousness. He knew this wasn’t the light at the end of the tunnel people described in near-death experiences.

Because he was hurting.

Every single limb ached and stung.

He was always in some degree of pain, to the point where it had become a background buzz in his life, but this was worse than normal. Much worse! And the nausea. That was the worst part.

Xiaojun tried to open his eyes.

Was he at the brothel? On the streets? Somewhere else?

What was the last thing that had happened?

Oh right. The chase. He had run into the closest building, but he couldn’t remember anything past that.

Bright lights made his eyes burn and he squeezed them back shut immediately. His head throbbed, his forehead in particular, and he reached up to feel it. Someone had stuck a plaster there.

Why?

“You’re awake!”  A stranger’s voice softly said. Xiaojun immediately forced his eyes open and looked around in alarm, searching the source of the words. “Hey, careful, you had a pretty bad head trauma, let’s try and keep movement minimal, okay?”

He spotted a person on the side of what looked like a bed he was in. The whole room was white, sterile almost, with some closets lining the wall. A hospital?

He had expected a human on the bedside, but instead, it was another Hybrid, like him. His hair was striped in a peculiar pattern, varying between black and shades of rusty brown, ears tipped black, and his eyes a light shade of green. Xiaojun would have thought him a tabby at first glance, but the colour wasn't just your typical house cat, and there was something elegant to him that made him doubt he was just that.

He was dressed in white, which let him conclude he belonged to this hospital, maybe he had been ordered to watch over Xiaojun and was now going to alert his owner?

“How are you feeling? Does anything hurt? Do you feel sick? It’s a little hard to dose correctly, you were unconscious for quite long, we were worried there was more damage done than initially thought. There’s not, luckily.”

He wished. His dream was to have never woken again, so he’d never have to face this reality again. Anger bubbled in his gut. Why couldn’t they have just left him die in peace? No! Instead, they were trying to nurse him back to health here, right? To return him.

Well, he wasn’t going to let them.

“Oh, my name is Kun. Do you speak Korean?” the cat cocked his head.

Xiaojun saw right through his act. Pretend to be on his side, Hybrid and Hybrid, so he didn't make a scene, let them do whatever they wanted until he was healthy again. Then, he'd just blindly hand him over. Usually, it was the dogs that were like this, because they were so blindly loyal to their owners, but there were more than enough cats and bunnies that'd do the same thing, just to get some extra petting or stay out of trouble.

It had happened too many times to fool him again.

Xiaojun wanted to get up and just walk away, but as he moved, he realised there were tubes attached to his arm. With a simple rip, he rid himself of the needles.

“Hey! Stop that! You’re hurt, you need fluids and minerals!”

“Like fuck I care!” Xiaojun hissed and jumped off the bed. His head throbbed again and the muscle in his legs ached from soreness. The other cat was so surprised, he didn’t immediately follow, and Xiaojun got a head start as he darted through the clean room and to the door, throwing it open.

He’d not let them have him back, no way in hell. He was going to pull through with his initial attempt, he was going to end all his suffering today!

The room led into a hallway, white walls confusing him for a second about which way to turn, but then a door at the end was opened and Xiaojun pushed himself off that direction. He didn’t recognise the human that was coming inside, but surprise was on his side once more. The man was humming and reading something, and didn’t even see him come closer.

He bumped into his shoulder and pushed him out of the way, managing to slip through the door.

“Hey! Stop! You’re not cleared to leave yet!”

Cleared to leave. So, they'd make him go back and return to serving clients. Of course, they would.

Xiaojun kept looking over his shoulder, as the human started giving chase, dashing down the hallway towards where he assumed the next door to be. Actually, he should maybe aim for a window. If he was lucky, he was far enough up that a jump would be deadly.

Yeah. That sounded good.

He was about to change directions and looked forward again to see where to go, but there was someone else in his way. Another cat Hybrid, sand hair and black ears, with his arms open. He wasn’t dressed in white, but if he was here and set to catch Xiaojun, it meant he was with them, too. Another enemy.

But it was too late to turn and the Hybrid caught Xiaojun in his arms, holding tight.

“Let me go!” he started scratching blindly, hoping to hit somewhere sensitive. He squirmed and managed to turn in the hold, but he couldn’t break free. His body was aching and weakened from his injuries. Xiaojun felt blood trickle down his thigh, so he assumed he had ripped some stitches there, but he didn’t stop trying to break free.

“I’m not servicing anyone! I refuse! I hate you all!”

Xiaojun dug his nails into the soft arm around his torso, throwing against the hold to break free. He just wanted it to end, this everlasting hell.

“Careful, you’re hurt!” the cat tried, his voice high and pleasant, like humans liked Hybrids to talk. Traitor! Human-obeying puppet!

“Just let me die then, I’d rather be dead than have another customer!” Xiaojun yelled. The human in white had come close now, but when he kicked his direction he backed away, holding his hands up. Really, why were they trying to help him? That was only making it worse! Xiaojun didn’t want help, he didn’t want to live, he wanted the relief of endless darkness to embrace him.

"There are no customers here. You're at a clinic, I just want to help you! Your stitches will rip if you keep doing this." The human explained calmly. Xiaojun knew that had already happened, but the prospect of that being bad made him struggle more.

Of course, there were no customers here. He knew humans didn’t come into hospitals to fuck Hybrids. But he wasn’t going to stay here for long. He was going to go back, back to hell, where he didn’t even have the means to put an end to it.

“I don’t believe a single of your lies! And so what, I’ll just throw myself out the window, then it’s over for real, perfect solution!”

The grip on his torso became tighter at that. Right, of course, they didn't want him to die. A dead Hybrid wouldn't make them any money! That was all they were after, money, exploiting him for his body, selling him to these cruel men that'd do whatever they wanted, no matter how much he struggled and cried.

The cat Hybrid from earlier arrived from where he had fled, and Xiaojun saw spots on his tail. So he had been right, not a simple house cat. A Bengalese. Those often sold for millions. Whoever was running this place was rich, incredibly so, keeping himself only the fanciest Hybrids.

And they’d probably earn on Xiaojun as well. His handler always said he made him the most money. Because he was pretty and exciting. Men loved wrestling him into submission. Bile rose in his throat as he thought about that.

He wasn’t going back. He was going to pull through and kill himself to escape it.

“ _We’re not going to hurt you, I promise. You’re in a good place here, we want to help you get better._ ” So he had figured out he was Chinese from his accent then, Xiaojun guessed when the cat addressed him in mandarin.

“ _Shut up, I know you’re lying to make me comply. But I won’t. Fuck off!”_

The Bengalese – Kun? – shook his head and repeated himself, tried to get closer, but Xiaojun kicked his direction and he jumped out of his range.

“I don’t mean to hurt you, but you’re hurting yourself right now and I don’t want you to suffer more than you already have to, so if you don’t calm down, I’ll have to sedate you again.” That was the human speaking again.

Xiaojun’s heart sank at the words.

No sedation, please no! He knew that all too well, being kept half-dazed so he’d know what was happening, but so subdued his body wouldn’t react, all his punches, strikes, bites, and kicks coming out weak and useless.

He had to get away. He couldn’t let them do that, god knew what was going to happen without him having any chance of fighting it.

The grip on him was still tight, though, so Xiaojun leaned forward and bit down on the arm holding him – hard. The effect was immediate, the muscle going slack and with one push, Xiaojun was free.

He’d only have to find a window, and it’d be over.

But instead, the two in white lunged forwards and within seconds, he found himself pinned to the ground, completely immobilised by being held down.

“I hate you! I hate you all! Let go of me!” Xiaojun screamed. He tried to kick, his mind already going to emergency mode as he anticipated what would come next. Pull off his clothing, force his legs open, and so on.

It didn't happen. Instead, the human yelled some medical instructions and then Xiaojun felt the poke of a needle. A moment later, all strength left his body, his voice yelling insults go weaker and weaker until he was only whispering them.

He felt a tear run down his cheek, but there was nothing he could do now.

He was pulled off the floor by a person he didn’t know and couldn’t even properly see the face of from the sedatives making his head cloudy and weird.

Why?

Why couldn’t they just let him be?

If they really cared, they’d let him die.

 

Instead, he was returned to the white room with the bright lights.

It was hard to keep his eyes open, but Xiaojun tried to stay awake as long as he could.

 

It was an odd mixture of consciousness and sleep. He wasn’t sure for how long it stretched on. Sometimes, the lights were on, sometimes they were off, leaving the room in gloomy darkness.

People came. They always asked how he was feeling as they put new things onto the tubes they had on his body. Sometimes, he cursed at them. He recognised the cat, the Bengalese, Kun. The human also sometimes came. When it wasn't them, it was either a woman or what seemed to be dog Hybrids. Xiaojun wasn't sure, everything was just so blurry.

It was so he could heal, they explained.

Xiaojun said he didn't want to heal, but they'd just tell him he'd soon be better and leave.

It was so he couldn’t hurt himself, they said.

Xiaojun told them he wanted to die, but they’d tell him that death wasn’t the solution and he was too young to go yet.

So, Xiaojun stopped trying to get them to let him go voluntarily. Maybe they’d just give up on him if he was nasty enough?

Whenever someone entered while he was awake, he called them names, called them monsters because all people involved with the brothel and its owners were – they were working for them, so they were monsters, too. They were going to try and fix him, to return him to hell. They were cruel, mean, horrible people.

And Xiaojun let them know.

 

When he wasn’t struggling to remain awake, he dreamt a lot.

Often of big fields, beautiful, green grass, and colourful flowers that smelt like heaven. Maybe it’d be like that when he was dead? That would be nice. In his dreams he was often just rolling around, sometimes staring into the sky, where the sun was shining down on him, sometimes braiding the flowers.

On some occasions, there were people there, playing with him, cuddling him, having fun. People that weren’t with the monsters. However, when Xiaojun tried to look at them and tried to identify their faces, they’d burst into nothing.

Maybe it was his friends from when he was little, before he had been sold, when he had still been growing up with his breeder? Or maybe his head had come up with them, so he felt less lonely? He often had wished for friends, even just one would be enough. Someone to talk to, to cuddle with, to have fun, but whenever he had tried to make one, they’d had gone and betrayed him soon. But in heaven, there surely were good people, right?

Too bad there were none of earth, or he could maybe stay there.

But there weren't. Everyone here was just out to hurt him. He had learnt that lesson many times until it had finally stuck in his head and he had stopped hoping.

It was lonely. It had been lonely for years.

When he was dead, he wouldn’t be lonely anymore. Xiaojun looked forward to that. Now, if only they’d let him off the sedatives and let him leave…

 

Some nights, he had nightmares. They often started out on a flower field, too, which then morphed into dark back rooms or the dirty stage next to the bar at the brothel. There were men trying to touch him, his handler's voice rung in his head, telling him to stay still.

Then, he would run. Down dimly lit hallways he had never seen before but his head had come up with, always straight ahead. People would follow him, making him want to push harder, fear cursing through his body, making him run blindly.

Sometimes, they caught him, did things to him. Repeated hell, over, and over, and over.

Sometimes, Xiaojun just woke up feeling like he had run for three hours.

That, too, would be over once he was dead.

Soon. They would have to take him off this, and then he could finally leave this world, which was nothing but cruel.

 

 

Xiaojun blinked his eyes open.

The room was bright, meaning it was day. He preferred days when there were no shadows in which demons could hide.

For the first time in what might have been weeks, he didn’t struggle to sluggishly force them open. He easily came to consciousness, no dizziness remaining in his head and making him feel disoriented.

He tested it once more, but he felt awake.

And he could feel all of his body.

He moved his fingers, and they felt stiff from disuse but responded to his commands. There was some residual aching here and there, but it didn't compare to the pain he had felt last time he had been awake.

Surely, he had healed while subdued. Somehow, it was nice to not hurt - but this meant he was further away from his goal. Internally, Xiaojun groaned, wanted to go back, wanted to undo this all. Maybe if he had chosen a different house to run into, this wouldn’t have happened?

“Hey.”

Xiaojun’s head jerked around and he found the human to the side of his bed. He noticed the room was different. It was bare and empty, no closets on the walls.

“Good morning. I’m sorry I had to keep you down for so long, but your body needed time to heal itself and you were being too hard on it to do that. You’re doing much better, you healed very well. I hope you can forgive me, it’s my medical duty to ensure your wellbeing, so I don’t regret it, but I apologise for having overruled your own wishes.”

Xiaojun sat up. The sudden movement made his head spin, but his body responded how he wanted it to. That was good.

“I didn’t want to heal! I didn’t ask you to make me feel better!” he hissed at the human, who seemed unimpressed.

“Everybody deserved to get better, it’s my duty as a doctor, I swore that I’d help any person.”

“Shut up! I’m not even a person, I’m a Hybrid, you could have just put me down, out of my misery! You just want that asshole’s money when you hand me back to him. Fuck you!”

Xiaojun crawled off he bed and towards the doctor, who backed away from him.

“I don’t get any money and we’re surely not going to return you to anyone. You can stay here, it’s safe here, you’re free to do whatever you want. Once you’re healed, you can leave, if that is your heart’s true wish, but I need to make sure you’re healthy before that.”

“You’re lying! You’re working for them, for those monsters! They always say they don’t, but they do! I’m not a fucking idiot, I won’t believe you! I hate you!”

He lunged at the human, but he side-stepped and avoided the hit.

“It’s okay to be angry, you can be angry all you want, I know you’ve been treated badly, but that’s over now, we don’t do that here.”

“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Xiaojun snapped his teeth, but again, the man avoided him by backing away. He looked sad. There was no way he really was, a good actor was all he really was.

“I’ll let you alone and calm down for now, okay? I’ll bring food later.” He opened the door in front of which he stood, and then he disappeared.

So that was the way out? Xiaojun immediately rattled on the handle, but it was locked and wouldn’t give under his hands.

Fine. There were other options. He looked around the room, determination burning in his gut. But actually… there was nothing. It was empty, save for the bed, and even that didn’t have any harsh edges, nothing. He marched over to the window, but it only opened a little, letting in fresh air but impossible to fit through.

Xiaojun let out a scream of frustration.

He hated this, he hated the people here, hated that they wanted to help him and pretended to be nice and that he was locked up.

Again.

 

With nothing much to do, Xiaojun's anger soon burnt out. All he could spend his time with was stare out onto the city that stretched on outside the window.

He had never been on her streets, not really. He sort of wished he had had the chance to, before dying. But it couldn’t be helped.

 

After a while, the Bengalese Hybrid came.

He only poked his head inside, but it was enough to make the anger bubble back up, and Xiaojun got into striking position.

_“Hey! I have your food! Are you hungry?”_

_“No!”_

He came inside regardless. There was a tray with what looked like fish and water on it.

_“I said no! Go! Leave! I don’t want to see you! You’re a dirty fucking traitor and I hate you!”_

The cat winced but set down the tray. Xiaojun stalked over, ignoring the food. He'd take care of that later. Surely there was more stuff in it, or it was to make him go soft for them, think they were actually good, so he'd comply easier.

_“It’s okay, I know you’re scared, but I promise, we’re only here to help you.”_

_“I don’t want help! I want to die, is that so hard to understand?”_ he yelled and struck towards the cat, who hadn’t anticipated it and didn’t jump to avoid him. Xiaojun felt his fingers connect to flesh and the cat jerked away, four red gashes on his arm.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t enough to make him leave.

_“I know that might seem like the only solution right now, but it’s not! There’s always something worth living for!”_

_“No! There isn’t! You don’t know anything! Don’t pretend you do, when you don’t!”_

Xiaojun lunged at him once more but missed.

_“I know there’s something. You just have to work together with us to see it.”_

_“Fuck you!”_

The cat looked sad. Another good actor. Then, he looked at his arm where blood was running down from the scratches. He seemed to give up – at least for now – and disappeared through the door. Relief flooded Xiaojun when he was gone. He couldn't allow himself to even give those words a second thought. They were lies.

 

Xiaojun eyed the tray. His stomach rumbled. He was always hungry, though often he didn’t have the mind to care. Right now, he was hungry and there was nothing else to do in this cursed room.

But if he ate this, he was giving in to them. They were clearly trying to get to him, make him reconsider.

He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t go back to that place.

If only their words were true, a small voice in the back of his head supplied. He quickly stifled that thought before it could root itself in his head. There was no way it was true. He was owned by these terrible people running that dirty and dark brothel. They’d never let him go. The flower field in his head, it wasn’t some place he would ever be allowed to see. That wasn’t his place in society.

New anger choked him up. It was so unfair, it was so cruel, it wasn’t what he wanted.

But no one asked him. No one would ever ask him. He was a Hybrid, made to serve humans.

The plate was light, made from plastic so it wouldn’t break, couldn’t give him shards to stab into his arm or neck. They were smart. Of course, they were.

With a scream, Xiaojun threw the fish across the room, using all his strength to send it flying. It landed on the wall with a welt splotch, the plate falling to the ground, leaving the fish stuck to the paint, where it slowly started sliding down.

 

The person that came to pick it up was the woman Xiaojun had seen before. She sighed and gave him a small smile, but didn’t bother him.

When she was gone, the room was empty again. No way out, no way to kill himself. No way to finally end his suffering.

Xiaojun felt tears obscure his vision.

Why? Why had he been born this way? Why had he been made into this lesser creature that no one would take seriously, no one would respect?

It was just so unfair. Too bad no one cared it was. He was just a dumb Hybrid, made to be fucked and then thrown away to the side after.

A hot tear ran down his cheek and Xiaojun blindly yelled at the door. There wasn’t anyone here that would hear him, but he could at least imagine the door was his handler, this terrible monster in human form, who had nothing but his own wellbeing in mind.

Whenever he cursed at him directly, he’d get punished. Screaming at the door had no consequences.

So he cried out every word he could think of while ignoring the tears streaming down his face. Each insult he thought of made him angrier, made him think of new ones to describe him, or the other men working at the brothel, that loved to torture him. He let it all out until his voice was sore and his head empty.

 

The next person that came was another human. Xiaojun eyed him in suspicion from his bed, but he was too tired to immediately charge at him. He had spent possibly an hour ugly crying and yelling at the walls. He regretted it now. He had wasted energy, but in the moment he had been so desperate, so lost in his own anger and sadness. And it had felt good.

He seemed older than the other human, and he wasn’t dressed in white but wore a bright, almost neon, orange sweater and cord trousers in green. He looked like a walking pumpkin.

“ _Good afternoon_!” he beamed. Another Chinese. Were they trying to make him give in easier because he had the comfort of his mother tongue? Probably! How many more things were they going to try? Xiaojun glared back, hoping it’d make him leave. But, of course, it didn’t. “ _My name is Yixing. What’s your name_?”

“ _None of your fucking business_!" Xiaojun hissed. Unfortunately, the human kept smiling like today was the best day of his life. He strolled through the room like they were best friends, towards the window, where he looked out onto the city.

_“That’s too bad. It’s easier to have a name to address others.”_

“ _Just think of one, that’s what you monsters always do, isn’t it_?” They were too lazy to learn those names the breeders had once thought of to give precious little kittens, bunnies, and puppies, instead calling them by some characteristic they noticed on them: Stripes, Blackie, Sunny, Spotty, and so on.

“ _That’s not polite, though. I won’t do that. If you don’t want to give me your name, I’ll respect that and hope you’ll change your mind_.”

Xiaojun snorted. As if. He wanted to chase him out, but he was too tired, and so far, he hadn’t done anything dangerous.

“ _Do you know where you are right now_?” he asked, turning from the window. He had dimples when he smiled, and he looked very harmless.

No, he couldn’t let himself be fooled!

_“Don’t care.”_

“ _You're at Moon Taeil's clinic for Hybrids. It's been two weeks since you came. You came into the reception office on Monday two weeks ago. It's Monday today, too_.”

Xiaojun didn’t see how he profited from this information. So what if it was Monday?

_“You gave the poor Ten a real scare there, but it’s good you came here, where you could get help.”_

“ _I don’t want help_.” Xiaojun hissed.

“ _Why is that_?” the man asked. Xiaojun hesitated. He had expected him to talk back and say that he needed help and stuff. Not to ask him a complex question in return. People generally didn’t really ask him things, but especially not things he’d have to think about. 

He was just a Hybrid, after all. What was there to ask him?

“ _I… I know you just want to return me. I don’t want to go back. I’d rather die than go back_!” Xiaojun repeated his words.

“ _That must have been a very horrible place you escaped from then. I don’t want you to return there if that place makes you feel so badly. Luckily, neither does Taeil_.”

“ _Fuck off, I don’t need your lies_.” Xiaojun scoffed. Again, the man seemed unfazed, didn’t try to fight the claim that he was lying off. So, he probably was. Whatever, Xiaojun had expected it.

“ _Where would you like to go instead? What would be a place that doesn’t make you feel like dying is the preferable option_?”

Xiaojun narrowed his eyes at him and slowly got off his bed. He was going to make him have hope, only to crush it.

“ _Nowhere! I only want to die_!” he snarled and stalked closer.

“ _Do you want to die right now? In this very moment?_ ” the man asked. Xiaojun hesitated again. Why did he keep throwing him off the loop?

No. No, he didn’t want to this very moment. But there was no other option. He’d be returned to the brothel, so, he had to.

“ _Shut the fuck up! Don’t get into my head! I hate you, all of you_.” Xiaojun yelled and snapped his teeth at the man, who easily backed away.

He kept avoiding his hits, just how the other human had earlier, but he also kept talking. He asked uncomfortable questions that made Xiaojun re-think his own intentions, and he hated it. Eventually, though, he finally left, giving him a bright smile as he exited his room.

Xiaojun decided he hated him the most of all, he was the most dangerous out of everyone.

 

He had to get away before they managed to somehow make him waver in his decision. He couldn’t trust them! It was set up for doom. They would return him and his spirits would be crushed worse than before. Just the thought of allowing himself to hope made him shudder.

No. There was no hope left for him in this world.

The only way out was death. Xiaojun reminded himself of that very sternly. He couldn't let them make him think otherwise.

                         

Under the bed seemed to be the most reasonable place to sleep, so that was where he curled up for the night. It was relatively safe and hidden, exactly what he needed. Deep sleep had always been a problem: Xiaojun didn’t startle away from the softest noise. So he had to get all the additional protection he could get.

 

The pretty cat came again the next day, bringing food and trying to talk to him, but he had learnt his lesson and quickly fled when Xiaojun charged at him.

                    

The human also came, later, together with one of the dogs he had seen before. His hair was black, with a white stripe running through it off centre, a fluffy black tail and white tip behind him.

Soft and cuddly, Xiaojun’s brain supplied.

Dangerous and with the human who was working for the monsters of the brothel, he reminded himself. Not to mention, tall and strong.

"We need to check on your stitches. Most of them we could already take out, but some are still healing. I need to change the dressing so nothing gets infected." The human explained in a chipper voice. Was this the Moon Taeil person the man yesterday had spoken of? Xiaojun wouldn't refer to him by name, because that made it easier to form a connection that he didn't want, but he would take all the information he could get. You never knew when you needed it to survive.

“No!” Xiaojun got ready to strike. He had ripped off any plasters and unwrapped all bandages he could find yesterday. It all looked better than any wound he had had in the past. There was no way it’d get infected and kill him. Unfortunately.

"It's really not up for debate." The human sighed and stepped towards him. Xiaojun tried to scratch him but failed. Instead, the human grabbed him, and before he realised what was happening, he found himself wrapped up in a tight hold, arms pinned to his body.

“No! No, no, no, no!” Xiaojun struggled. The hold was different from the type he was used to, but he was sure it served the same purpose – to make him submit, immobilise him so they could harm him. Fear almost choked him up. He knew what was going to come next. He didn’t want it, he didn’t want their hands on him, hurting him.

He tried to break free, kept telling them not to.

All struggling on his side was useless. The human wasn’t much taller, but he was stronger than him and easily held him in place.

The dog Hybrid stepped up and started pulling up his clothing. Xiaojun closed his eyes, hoped it'd be over quickly, that they'd be easily satisfied.

But he didn’t do more, he didn’t pull off his bottoms, touched his private places.

“Hyung, he pulled off the plasters.” He stuttered instead. It was a second chance to get away.

"Let me go!" Xiaojun ripped on his arm, but he didn't manage to free it. The human was practised in holding people down, that much was clear. More reason to fear him, more reason to hate him.

“Okay, just clean it and put a new one on. Why did you take off the plasters? They’re there to make sure nothing can get into the wound.”

“I don’t care. Why do you not fucking listen? I don’t want to heal!”

“I told you, it’s my duty to take care of any hurt being.”

“Fuck you!” Xiaojun felt himself get choked up with tears. He tried to ignore the hands working on him. The dog wasn’t touching anywhere inappropriate, but just the feeling of someone else touching him was enough to make Xiaojun anticipate more, anticipate worse. He hated it.

It didn’t happen. Eventually, they finished and the human let go of him. He tried to bite him, but he was gone before he could.

 

Xiaojun just laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling.

Next time the door opened, it was the cat again, bringing food.

_“Hey. I have lunch for you. If you tell us your favourite fish, we can make that for you.”_

“ _I don’t fucking care, just fuck off._ ”

What even was a favourite fish? This was getting ridiculous. He was served whatever he was to eat and that was the end of it. It wasn’t up to Xiaojun to make any decisions, to have any preferences. What a waste of energy.

“ _Are you angry because of the dressing change?_ ”

Xiaojun didn't bother responding, but just the memory of the dog's hands-on him was enough to make him tear up. He hated it, absolutely hated it. He hadn't done anything to hurt him today. But next time he came, he might slither his hand down, push open his legs…it was all so easy for them to do, and it was Xiaojun's job to hold still and let them.

“ _I’m sorry, but it’s very important to. They can stick to the scabs or we could miss an infection, the wounds won’t heal as well without proper care.”_

Yes, Xiaojun had heard all these excuses from the human earlier.

“ _I don’t fucking care._ ” He didn’t care if it scarred, he didn’t care if it hurt, if it got infected.

There was no reason to keep his body pretty when all he got in return for that was more pain and misery. Not while the monsters were still waiting to have him back. Served them right, if Xiaojun wasn’t as pretty anymore, lost worth because of scars.

It was their fault.

Not like he’d return, anyway. He’d rather die.

_“Okay. I’ll leave you alone for now, okay? I hope you can eat today, Taeyong-Ge put a lot of effort into the fish, he’s a very good cook, so I promise it tastes good.”_

 

He was so hungry, he ended up scarfing the fish down despite not wanting to give in. It was just to make the pain in his tummy go away, he told himself. Nothing more, nothing less.

He had to get out of here. That much was clear. He had to flee, or he’d be healed and ready to be handed back over, to be locked up again.

                                                                

The cat was too wary of him now, he always avoided his scratches and bites. The human had been from the start.

He needed someone else. He could probably get past someone else.

Xiaojun had counted it as the third day, so Wednesday according to what Yixing had told him was Monday. If that was even the truth. He could have been lying. That day, one of the dog Hybrids came, bringing his chance of freedom – or death. It was the same in Xiaojun’s head.

“Hey.” He pushed the door open and Xiaojun jumped off his bed. It was the other one, his hair was light brown with only a small white part in the front, and his ears were bigger. “I have your food, please don’t maul me.”

Xiaojun hissed and he jerked in place.

“Okay, just food, I’ll put it here.” He stepped inside. Xiaojun darted towards him. The Hybrid was surprised by his sudden movement and stood open, easy to attack. Xiaojun aimed and kneed him between his legs.

When the dog went down with a whimper, he pushed past him, out into the white hallway. He took a second to realise his new room was on the other side from where the one he had escaped from before was, but the exit door was easy to spot. He pushed himself against it, and it opened, releasing him into the next hallway.

This one was the one he had been stopped in before, so he looked ahead this time. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

He needed to get out of here!

He moved quietly and fast, and the door to the outside seemed so close when someone stepped from one of the rooms between him and freedom. It was the black and white dog. Xiaojun stopped in his tracks and turned to a random door, hoping to find the room behind it empty and with a fully opening window.

“Hey! Stop! Stop!” the dog called.

Xiaojun flung the door open. Behind it was a vacant treatment room, but just as he entered it, someone grabbed him from behind.

“Let me go!” he threw himself against the hold, trying to break free, but the other held tight.

“Hey, careful, careful.” It was the woman speaking.

“No! Fuck off, let me go!” Xiaojun tried to twist away, but now they both were holding him.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” It was always these dumb, fake concerns over his health. Xiaojun had about enough!

“I want to hurt myself! Let me fucking go! I’m not letting you give me back! I’d rather die!” Xiaojun tried to kick, but someone had his legs fixed.

“I’m sorry, he attacked me, I wasn’t prepared.” The voice of the dog that had brought his food cut in. Xiaojun was completely pinned down, with no way to break free. He screamed in frustration.

“Whatever, just help us get him back.”

“I don’t want to go back! No! Let me fucking go!” Xiaojun tried to break free, but now it was three people against one, and he couldn’t do anything as they carried him right back to where he had come from.

"I hate you! All of you! You're monsters!" his voice was hoarse when they gently put him down on his bed.

They threw him pitying glances, but Xiaojun knew they were probably making fun of him in their heads, for being so helpless and stuck, completely at their mercy.

When the door fell shut behind them and the lock clicked in place, Xiaojun couldn’t hold the tears.

He just wanted to be free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Visuals of the cat/dog/bunny breed the genes come from (pls tell me when a link is broken):
> 
> [Xiaojun, Ragdoll](https://www.cozycatfurniture.com/image/ragdoll-cat.jpg)  
> [Kun, Bengalese Cat](https://www.bengalcats.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/thor-bengal-cat.jpg)  
> [List of people with changed birthyears](https://i.ibb.co/JdGrDbc/Ages.jpg</a)  
> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [A whole cutie](https://wx3.sinaimg.cn/mw690/007xZBw4ly1g3rmbkpp0mj318n1vckjp.jpg) by [Longeyelash_0808](https://www.weibo.com/u/6915231136?is_hot=1)

The human came and brought him a book and a plushie. It was shaped like a bear and tiny.

Xiaojun used it to throw through the room, making it bounce off the walls as he screamed at them.

The book was thick cardboard and without any sharp edges, but it made lots of noise when you threw it. He also used it to try and take out the cat, that kept coming most of the time with his food and always tried to talk to him.

He missed, but the cat at least looked quite horrified.

All he wanted, was for him to stop talking, to stop spouting lies about this place being really good, about nice people living here, about him being allowed to live freely here.

It planted hope in his head that he didn’t want there.

The only person that was worse, was the human with the dimples. He came by again and seemed to look right into Xiaojun’s head, which was downright terrifying. He asked uncomfortable questions and didn’t let Xiaojun within striking distance.

By the time he left, his head was spinning with this idea that maybe there was no reason to throw himself out the window the next chance he got.

He hated it. He didn’t want to waver in his decision.

But still, as he stared out onto the city… did he really want to miss all this out there? Was there really no hope left?

If there was a chance to not go back to that hell which drained him of all his happiness if there'd be a way to be free of that… wouldn't that be better than… death?

Death was awfully final. It had seemed like a great outlook just a few days ago. Final death, final relief of this life.

But now? Now there were these doubts pestering him. This ‘what if there was a different way to live’?

No, he told himself, there wasn't for him. These people here were working together with the brothel owner and he'd have to go back there. There was no way they weren't! He wasn't going to believe them and he didn't think there was any way for them to prove to him that he wasn't right. Because he was. There were no good humans who'd just want to take in a Hybrid to help them. Ridiculous!

 

Every day, he checked his wounds. Every day, they had closed a little more, looked a little better.

It was like a countdown, a countdown to doomsday.

He tried to make them worse again, by digging his fingers into the tender flesh. But it hurt too much, he couldn’t pull through with it.

Maybe when they handed him over. Maybe he’d get the chance to run. He was on the third floor, high up over the street. A fall from down here would be fatal, he was sure of it, not let him get away with a few cuts and bruises like that down the stairs.

It was a soothing thought that he could do that. He pushed away the doubts that it hadn’t worked the first time he had tried. This time, he’d succeed. For sure. Because he had to! Either death or hell on earth. The choice was clear.

The image of a green field with flowers and people waiting to play with him flashed back up in his head.

There were fields on earth, too, his brain supplied. Xiaojun ignored it. No one would allow him to go to these fields on earth, and no one would be playing with him there.

If only.

 

A crashing sound woke him. He blinked his eyes open but found the room in darkness, concluding it was still night.

Xiaojun spotted a pair of glowing eyes looking down under the bed, where he was lying.

“What… what do you want?” his voice came out husky and tired, just how he felt. Did he have to deal with these people in the night, too, now? “I don’t want to see you, go away, I said I don’t want your favours and fake niceness.”

“I know. I know you don’t.” it was the cat. Kun. Xiaojun pushed himself out from under the bed. He was usually the most persisted, but he wasn’t going to have him whisper these ideas of some happy ever after into his ear in the middle of the night! He crooked his fingers to scratch him. “I’m not here for that reason.”

What was he talking about? Was he not going to talk to him? He was no longer trying to gain his trust? What was the reason then?

He suddenly realised there was another person in the room, eying him carefully. He remembered him! It was the cat that had stopped him the first day. Short, skinny, a pretty face with almost unsettlingly light blue eyes and a perfect button nose, the characteristic colouring of a Siam or Thai cat to his hair.

Then Xiaojun heard doors being opened and closed, voices filtering through to them. Aggressive men talking.

His blood ran cold.

“No.” it couldn’t be, please no, he had thought he still had a few more days. “They’re coming to get me?” it had to be that. What other reason to wake him in the middle of the night was there? They were probably counting on him being tired and confused, unable to fight back. That was what the Bengalese had come for, not to talk. ”You’re giving me back? I knew it!”

Yes, he had known it, but it still stung to find out all the nice words had really been lies. He glared at Kun, but instead of confirming that he was the monster Xiaojun knew him to be, he shook his head.

“We’re not! We’re here to protect you. The police are on their way, but we didn’t want you to be alone.”

It sounded so nice, so, so wonderful. Xiaojun hated being alone, yet he always was.

But it couldn’t be true. It was new lies, more stories to make him comply. Xiaojun shook his head, hoping to get rid of these ideas that wanted to nest into his brain, and backed away until he hit the wall.

He wasn’t prepared yet. How could he get away from them, when his mind was so clouded and slow from sleep? He didn’t want to see these men again, he didn’t want to go with them, he didn’t want to return.

The door was thrown open and bright light blinded him.

“Oho, look at that, get one, get two free?”

Laughter echoed and Xiaojun’s stomach turned. He knew the voices, immediately recognised them. They were here to get him.

He expected his handler to grab him, someone to slap him, yell at him.

He couldn’t face them. But he also couldn’t let them take him with them. Fear made him so nauseous he couldn’t move. He felt so helpless, so alone at this moment.

If only someone would end this for him, would make them go away. Or if only there was a window for him to just jump out of. Either way, Xiaojun just needed this to end.

Unfortunately, no one would help him. He was alone in this.

He kept his eyes closed and waited until they took him. He had to try and break free once he was in the other hallway, where the windows hopefully weren’t locked. His whole body was trembling from fear and adrenaline.

“My, my, my, look who it is. Not only my little troublesome Snowflake.” Xiaojun winced when he heard the name.

They had given it to him because of the white hair over his eyes. It sounded cute, they said, was easy to remember.

To him, it sounded dehumanising. Well. Who was he kidding? He wasn’t a human, he was just a Hybrid, so it wasn’t that far off to deny him even having a proper name.

He never wanted to hear it again, he never wanted to hear their voices again, never wanted to feel their hands on him again.

Hopefully, they'd hurry, so it'd be over quickly. He squeezed his eyes shut tighter, but nothing happened.

“Didn’t I tell you not to try and run away again or you’d face the same fate as your poor little friend, Frosty?” the man instead asked.

Frosty? Xiaojun wondered who that was. And what little friend? Xiaojun had never had friends, at least not at their hell hole.

They had to be talking about someone else.

No one was touching him, no steps signalled someone was coming closer, so he dared opening one eye and looking through the room. The cold neon lights were illuminating the ugly faces of the men to look like horrible grotesque grimaces.

But their attention wasn’t on him, it was on the cat he had bitten, who stood in the middle of the room, head held high, arms on his hips to appear bigger than he was. His black tail swayed behind him in anger.

They had said they were here to protect him.

Was that actually true? Could it be?

“Ah, what was his name?” the man asked, a mocking smirk on his face. Did he know the cat? It seemed like he did. Was this cat the one he had called Frosty? It could be, it’d match his eyes. They liked to use very simple stuff.

“You don’t get to call his name when you never bothered even using it. You can shove your stupid little nicknames where the sun doesn’t shine.”

Xiaojun startled a little from the venomous voice the cat used. But he was sticking up against these monsters in human skin. He wasn’t letting them get closer to Xiaojun.

“Now, now, that’s no way to talk. He was always so nice and quiet until you put these ideas into his head, it was a real pity we had to bring him to justice.” Bring him to justice – so they had killed him! They had killed the Thai cat’s friend!

Why had they never killed him? Xiaojun had asked for it many times.

“You’re sick in the head, that’s not justice!” Was it not? Well, not justice. Mercy, maybe.

Or… was it?

He could only assume the cat's friend hadn't wanted to die, contrary to Xiaojun.

They’d do the opposite of what they were asked for, wouldn’t they? Maybe it was just to satisfy more of their sick and disgusting fantasies.

Xiaojun didn’t want to give them that win. He was going to get away and do the job himself, to save his last dignity.

“Of course, and you, a little, dumb whore, would know that. Oh yes, I remember, you said you were equal to us. Ah, yes. Good times.” Equal to humans? That cat had said that? From how he didn’t back down it seemed true. Xiaojun nearly laughed. He had never heard anyone dare compare themselves to humans.

That was just ridiculous. Humans were inherently superior to Hybrids, after all, Hybrids had been created by them, as companions, from… human… DNA… and… cat, dog, or rabbit… to modify some limbs.

Maybe… maybe there was more similarity than he had been taught?

No. It was an absurd idea, some that was so far from reality he shouldn’t let himself think it. No human would ever let him get away with that, would ever accept that.

He was made to be a servant, open his mouth, not to speak, of course, or his legs whenever a human felt like it.

“Snowflake.” There his name was again, the attention of the man on him. He wasn’t his handler, wasn’t the one to usually discipline him, but he knew him all too well. The men working at the brothel were all the same, anyway.

Cruel, cold-hearted, sadistic.

"Be a good boy and come back here. You don't want to make this worse than it already is, do you? I'm feeling generous because you're bringing such an exotic beauty with you. I'll only have one of you be torn to shreds, isn't that wonderful?"

Someone stepped in front of him, Xiaojun recognised the pattern on the tail. Kun. They were actually protecting him, both of them.

Torn to shreds… no. No, he couldn’t go back to them. They’d make it as painful and horrible as possible. In the end, they’d probably spare him just to spite him, because they knew he wanted to get away from this terrible life he led. He just wanted to die, not suffer anymore.

Or did he? Did he want that?

Yes, yes, he did.

But what if there was something to that cat’s words?

No, no there wasn’t.

What about the fields in this world he could visit?

No! No, he wouldn't be allowed there anyway.

But friends, these two cats had just stood up for him, protected him, just how they had promised, weren’t they trustworthy? Couldn’t they be his friends?

“Get the fuck away from him, he’s not coming back with you!” it was the cat that had been called Frosty. Xiaojun hated using that name, he surely despised as much as he did Snowflake, but he didn’t know what he was actually called.

“You’re all coming with us. A Bengalese will make us a pretty penny with the right buyer, and you can practice using your mouth for what it was made to do again, which is suck cocks and not sprout nonsense. I bet your ass got nice and tight over your little break.”

Xiaojun had to close his eyes as a wave of nausea and fear rolled over him at the words. They weren’t directed at him, but they might as well. He couldn’t return to that, but as it stood, there was no way out. They were blocking the door and his body had decided to shut down on him, only trembling uselessly.

He heard someone charge, heavy boots fall onto the floor, the growl of a dog Hybrid. Were they taking the cat out? Probably. Bile rose in his throat. He was really facing them, to protect Xiaojun. No one had ever shown him so much compassion, had ever done so much for him.

Too bad there was no way he could come out on top of a duel, not with the dogs the handlers kept. They were trained to blindly follow their every word, loyal to the core. They held brutal strength in their big and bulky bodies. He knew the dogs probably didn’t enjoy the cruelty the handlers made them do, but they were stuck in this just as much as him. Xiaojun wished there was something he could do to support the cat, to return his kindness.

He tried to hold his ears shut. He didn’t want to hear the suffering, he just wanted to it end.

Suddenly, new voices cut over the ones and the sounds of fighting ceased.

“Seoul Police Department, drop all weapons and put your hands up in the air where we can see them.”

 

Was that good? Was it over?

 

 “ _Hey. Hey, breathe_.” Kun’s voice echoed in his heads. Was he not breathing? He tried to, but he only gasped for air. “ _Nice and slow, try and listen to me, in_ …” he loudly inhaled and Xiaojun took a breath to mirror him. He listened until he heard the other breath out. Again, and again. There was something else going on in the room, but Kun was blocking his vision and he couldn’t hear much other than the sound of him breathing.

_“Good, yes, you’re doing so well.”_

Xiaojun blindly grabbed towards where the voice was coming from. Kun had protected him, so had the other cat. They hadn’t let those monsters get to him.

They weren’t actually with them, not like all the people Xiaojun had thought were his friends before, who then left him to be at his handler’s mercy the second a minor inconvenience interrupted them.

These two hadn’t, though.

It was okay to trust them. It was okay to get closer.

Xiaojun felt soft fabric and pulled on it, tears blinding him. Kun made a surprised noise but didn't try to fight him off, so Xiaojun clung to him as tears started rolling. He tried to breathe evenly, but it turned into a small hiccup and all the misery he had kept inside for years, and years, and years while nobody showed him even the slightest bit of niceness without stabbing him in the back the next given chance, was suddenly wanting to come out.

“ _It’s okay, it’s okay, I’m here_.” Kun gently rubbed over his back, over his head, over his ears. Xiaojun heard himself whimper and sob, and it should be embarrassing but he couldn’t stop and no one told him to. Instead, Kun hummed softly and kept petting his hair.

It was so wonderful, just to be held and feel safe for the first time in years. Hybrids weren't meant to be alone, neither were humans, and Xiaojun had cursed that the most about his existence over the last years because it just made everything so much worse.

The gentle petting helped ground him, make the thought that there really were people here that weren’t linked to the brothel, to the monsters there, sink into his head and relief spread.

 

Eventually, he calmed down to silent crying.

“Hey, they want to take witness statements. Also… Taeil-Hyung’s no idea we’re here.” It was the light voice of the other cat.

“Right. Let’s hope he hasn’t noticed we’re missing and is worrying.”

“Yeah.”

“ _Hey. Do you think we can go to the front? To help the police and tell Taeil-Hyung we’re alright?_ ”

Xiaojun pressed his face tighter into his shoulder and nodded a little.

He didn't want to look at anyone, didn't want to see the men if they were still somewhere here, but he didn't have to. Kun managed to bring him through the halls without any problem. Taeil was the human running this place, but Xiaojun wasn't sure he was the same person as the human that had come and held him down to change his dressings.

Not like it mattered.

He’d have to stick to the cats, they were safe. But no one else was, not until he had proof they were. In the end, not having connections to the monsters at the brothel didn’t change the fact that he was a human, holding all the power over Xiaojun as a measly Hybrid, and able to do whatever he wanted to him.

“Kun! Ten! Didn’t I tell you no detours?” Xiaojun carefully glanced up from where he was trying to hide behind Kun.

It was the man! Only right now, he was dressed in a dark blue silk pyjama with a jacket over top, instead of his usual all-white outfit.

“Sorry, Hyung.”

“It was an emergency!”

His eyes landed on Xiaojun, who quickly looked away, but instead of scolding, he sighed deeply.

“You’re all bringing me into an early grave.”

Xiaojun suddenly realised not only had the two cats helped him, but they had gone out of their way to do so, had gone against their owner’s word.

They’d get the punishment for doing so.

He couldn’t allow that! He had to at least take that for them. And apologise for his previous behaviour.

Taking a deep breath to encourage himself, he pulled away from Kun and stepped towards Taeil, heart pounding loudly in his chest.

"I…I'm sorry. It's because of me. Please don't be angry with them." His voice was wobbly and thin, sounding rather pathetic, but he tried to stand straight and show he meant it. How Ten had stood straight earlier when those monsters had thrown nasty words at him. Xiaojun was nothing but deeply impressed by his courage and confidence.

“No, no, no it’s not your fault, I’m not angry.”

“I understand. I was really mean. I just thought you were with them. I’m sorry for giving you trouble and cursing you so much.” First, he’d have to the get the human’s forgiveness, whether he really wanted to or not, then the Hybrids’. That was just the correct order. He looked at Kun and Ten, hoping they knew he was genuine “You, too, I’m sorry.” He could only wish to be forgiven. He’d understand. He had acted nothing but awfully towards them when they had only tried to be nice.

"Don't worry," Kun assured him.

“Yes, it’s perfectly fine, you were just trying to keep yourself safe.” Taeil nodded.

“Believe me, I understand, I was the same.” Ten smiled.

That couldn’t be. Just like that? They seemed like great people, but they couldn’t be this selfless, surely. Even with his breeder, who had been so much nicer than the monsters he had got to know after in his life, there had always been consequences to misbehaviour. That was normal, right? Punishment for mistakes.

“I… if I can make it up to you, just tell me! I’m really sorry, I want to make things right!”

“You don’t need to.” Taeil gently said.

“There… there has to be something! You took care of me and I hurt you and… I really thought you’d return me, not protect me from them!” he insisted, looking around at them, but none of them looked like they were angry.

"There's maybe one thing I'm curious about and I'd like to know." Taeil contemplated. Xiaojun straightened up, ready to try and make up for his behaviour. He knew what humans usually liked, he could do it just in this situation because they had kept him safe and not returned him to the handlers. He didn't really want to, but he would just hurry and satisfy him. It was the only way he really could appropriately show his gratitude, "Maybe you could tell us your name?"

His name?

Only that?

Xiaojun felt like where he had expected someone to dump cold water over him, he instead had been given a warm hug.

He hadn’t shared it yet. They had asked and he had told them to fuck off. But that was easy to answer, much less humiliating than having to go on his knees, so he nodded and tried to blink away more tears wanting to run down his cheeks.

“I’m Xiaojun.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone gets buckled up because this was pretty much the prologue. We're now actually getting started with all the problems.  
> I'm sort of scared you will all soon fetch the pitchforks and call for my public shaming over how interactions will go and other members will be treated (I swear, I love them, but we can't have everything just be rainbows and unicorns in here) 
> 
> [Ten, Thai Cat](https://bowwowinsurance.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/siamese-cat-700x700.jpg)  
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a paper due for uni and I haven't had time to write in days, I only managed to edit a little, and I feel like I'm dying, but I also realised I'm slowly forgetting comma rules in every language now lol
> 
> [Why is he so cute?](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D9O0AfmW4AUMPAf.jpg)

The police kept rummaging around the office for another couple of hours.

They asked them questions.

If Xiaojun really didn’t belong to them, if Taeil had locked the doors and made sure they couldn’t get inside, if Ten had gotten hurt from the dog, and if it really was that bad.

Xiaojun made sure to stick to either Kun or Ten, just to be sure. He could trust them. That knowledge alone felt like a giant rock had been lifted off his heart. Even though there wasn’t really anyone else to turn to, he at least had these two.

Luckily, he didn’t have to say much, or he would have probably not been able to. Just the thought of having to recall these monsters made him choke up with new tears threatening to burst. While Taeil hissed at the officers in a low voice, Kun sat on the desk with him, blocking the view a bit, and holding his hand and softly talking about Chinese recipes had wanted to try.

Xiaojun wasn’t even able to fully listen, but just the lull of his clear-spoken Mandarin was enough to make him calm down and ignore the mess going on around them.

By the time they left, it was already early morning.

"Are you hungry?" Taeil asked after he closed the door behind the last officer.

Xiaojun wasn’t sure if the human had addressed him, so he looked to Kun, then Ten. He found the other cats also looking at him, so, apparently, he was to answer that. He tried to figure out if he was.

He could probably eat, but his tummy wasn’t hurting yet, so was that hunger? No one had asked him about hunger before, he didn’t know how it felt to be the right amount of hungry for a normal meal. He just ate whenever he was given food, humans decided things like that, didn’t they? He looked at the other two Hybrids for help again.

“Well, I’m hungry for sure.” Ten said after a few beats of awkward silence.

“Great, let’s have breakfast then.” Taeil nodded, obviously relieved to have gotten an answer. Xiaojun was, too, happy that someone else had known what to say to the human.

“ _Are you okay with meeting the others? I promise they're all very nice."_ Kun asked. His promise meant very little to Xiaojun. He knew he could trust Kun, but he wouldn’t extend that to those that Kun trusted.

One of the dog Hybrids had touched him and stopped him from ending his life when he had finally gotten the chance to. Taeil had held him down and been the once responsible for the weeks of sedation. This Yixing had tried to look into his head and make him feel so confused and dazed.

He'd have to accept Taeil because he was the human owning everything here, however, he felt nothing but hatred towards the black and white dog Hybrid for his actions, and Kun's word wouldn't change that. The brown dog maybe wasn't so bad, but in the end, he couldn't know he wasn't. Blindly trusting him was a risk that Xiaojun couldn't take. Everyone else was still a blank canvas right now, but again, there was no reason to trust them, so he wouldn't.

It was all just temporary, anyway. The next chance he got, he’d finally put an end to it. Maybe Taeil wasn’t a monster, like those at the brothel, but he was still a human, would still make him do the things he hated.

Xiaojun was just so, so tired of living like that.

“ _I don’t care.”_ He replied. Because he didn’t. It didn’t make a difference whether or not he wanted to meet these people, Taeil had already decided he was going to, so, that was what was going to happen. It was the natural order that humans made the decisions and Hybrids followed, Xiaojun was no exception.

 

They left the white rooms of the clinic through the back, where a staircase was hidden. Xiaojun hadn’t expected that. He looked down the open middle, guarded off by handrails. He should have headed here, this was a literal death drop. Actually, why not…

“Come on, we have to go upstairs.” Xiaojun heard Taeil and then felt him take his hand and drag him away from the edge. Immediately, he jerked around and pulled away from the human’s grip.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” he hissed, before remembering that he had intended to play nice with Taeil. Well, damn.

“Okay, sorry, that was my mistake, I shouldn’t have done that, I apologise, but please stay away from the handrail, okay?”

His mistake? What was he trying to make Xiaojun believe with these lies? He was a human, they didn’t make mistakes. But he’d have to play along, so, Xiaojun tried to relax his body and stepped to the other side of the stairs, where Taeil wanted him.

Why did he even bother, a voice in his head asked. He wasn’t going to stay with this human, so he could just go ahead and misbehave all he wanted.

However, he wanted Kun and Ten to like him. Because they had helped him, had been so kind to him. Xiaojun wanted to be friends, at least during his last hours on this plane. If he was being nasty they wouldn’t like him, so, he had to be obedient.

Pretty and willing, that was what his breeder had always taught them. Xiaojun hadn’t always been a whore. He had been raised to be a good, proper Hybrid, a perfect servant. He hadn’t forgotten those lessons. And now, he’d need them.

Having friends, that was one of his biggest wishes, just below freedom. If he could at least experience one, death could wait a little longer.

So, pretending to be nice with the human it was.

 

For a person that was rich enough to own a Bengalese and a Thai Cat, trained dog Hybrids, and possibly more, Taeil’s flat really didn’t look like much. Xiaojun tried not to judge, but it was hard not to, with the closet doors not even shutting from too much being stuffed inside, piles of shoes lying around, and some sticker pictures littered over the door.

"Sorry, it's always messy, there are too many people living here." Taeil sighed and scratched his head. Xiaojun didn't mind the chaos, he had never been a very orderly person himself despite his training calling for absolute cleanliness. On the contrary. If there was chaos, it meant people were living here, really living, not just staying and trying not to leave evidence of that.

From the messy entrance, they entered a hallway and right into the living room. There were miss-matched sofas in front of a TV, shelves full of books, art supplies, and toys. Someone had stacked cardboard boxed in the corner, with a few colourful pamphlets lying around. And for some reason, there was a fir tree put up?

"Hyung, you're late." Someone called, and the dog Hybrid Xiaojun had kicked to try and flee looked from what had to be the kitchen. His face went from concern to confusion as he took in the small party before his eyes caught on Xiaojun, who bristled and glared back at him. "Uh… did I miss something?"

“Yes, yes, I think you did.” Taeil nodded and walked towards the kitchen. Xiaojun quickly looked at Ten and Kun, and decided to stick to whatever Kun would be doing, because he stood closer. Xiaojun shuffled towards him, just a little. He didn’t want to annoy him, but he also didn’t want to stay away too much and pose a vulnerable target. Taeil had said there were many Hybrids here, none of them trustworthy.

However, Kun had noticed his movement and smiled at him. That felt sort of nice. He had a genuine smile, warm and inviting, not the scary and condescending type Xiaojun knew best.

“ _What do you like to eat?”_ he asked. It was similar to his favourite fish question from some time ago, and Xiaojun found himself just as confused as before.

“ _I don’t care.”_

“ _You don’t care? Don’t you have a favourite?”_ Kun inquired.

“ _No.”_ Xiaojun carefully answered. From how Kun’s face fell a little, he wondered if that had been the wrong thing to say. But it had been the truth. If he could help it, Xiaojun always said the truth. Since he wanted to become friends with Kun, he’d absolutely not lie to him. That was the worst thing someone could do, in his eyes, and it had been done to him way too often. He wouldn’t do it to anyone else.

“ _Alright. If you don’t have one yet, let’s find your favourite, okay?”_

 _“Why?”_ Xiaojun was confused. What would that be good for? He’d just follow along with whatever a human would tell him and that’d be it. No need for your own opinion.

“ _Because it’s fun. You can look forward to eating your favourite meal._ ”

Fun? Or someone could use it to make him do something he didn’t want to. Was Kun not seeing that? Had no one done that to him yet?

Or maybe… he was perfectly aware and was luring him into a trap. Xiaojun’s stomach clenched at the thought. He didn’t want that. He wanted to be friends with him! Yes, Kun had helped him, he was a good person, he wouldn’t trick him!

 

Xiaojun ended up with a soup and rice, that Yuta had warmed for them. Yuta was the name for the brown dog. More important information to remember in the future. Names held power, were vital for survival sometimes.

It tasted good, which was what he told Ten when he asked, but Xiaojun generally liked all food. As long as he got to eat, it was good. When he had been little and hadn’t finished his food, thus shown his ungratefulness, he hadn’t gotten to eat the next meal to reflect on his bad behaviour. Xiaojun had very early learnt to appreciate any food, later he had learnt to appreciate getting food at all.

He was half-way through it, when the other dog Hybrid he already knew came into the living room, eyes still half-shut, stumbling over his own feet. Xiaojun didn’t want to make a scene, but he absolutely didn’t like him. He shrunk in his chair, while he was introduced as Jaehyun, and was grateful this Jaehyun wasn’t even fully awake yet, just slumped down on the far end of the table to eat his breakfast with his eyes closed.

“So, Xiaojun, do you have some place you’d like to return to?”

Xiaojun looked up at Taeil in surprise. He hadn't expected this question. But, of course, someone with such perfect Hybrids wouldn't really want some throw-away whore like himself around. No one would want someone was broken and used as himself. It didn't matter, he'd just stay for a little and then he'd find a way to end his life. There was no reason to find another place to stay, other than maybe heaven – if that existed. Xiaojun hoped it did, so he could tumble over big, green fields with many friends.

“If you don’t, then would you like to stay here?” Taeil quickly added. “I’m not going to make you, of course, but I’d like to offer you and I’d be very happy to have you here.”

Why was he asking him if he wanted to? What use would he have for him? There was no way Xiaojun was preferable over the kind and well-spoken, not to mention beautiful, Kun or Ten. No doubt any other cat maybe living here would live up to their standard, too. Still, the question over what on earth anyone would still want to have him for aside, why would this be his choice?

Xiaojun felt panic rise in his chest. He didn’t know the correct answer the human expected to hear. What if he answered wrong? Would there be a punishment? Would they humiliate him?

Maybe he was just baiting him, would laugh if Xiaojun actually thought he wanted him here, when his body was so worn down no rich doctor would even pay a penny for him, would want to actually keep him as a toy.

The silence was thick and awkward, and Xiaojun wanted to stop it, but he couldn’t: he didn’t know the right answer, didn’t know what to say!

He felt tears collect in his eyes, which only frustrated him further. Crying had never helped anyone. Sure, he did it a lot, but it had, unfortunately, never really helped.

“Hey, no, no, no, please don’t be upset! I was just asking! You don’t have to decide if you aren’t sure! You can think about it and come to a decision, okay? Take all the time you need.” Taeil jumped up and returned with a tissue that he put on the table in front of Xiaojun.

“Come to a decision?” he really didn’t know what the hell the man was talking about? Why was it him, who had to decide? His food, his bed, his clothing, his behaviour, even his shampoo, he had been told what to do. The second a human entered the equation, it was the human deciding.

The silence now was even worse, because Taeil and the Hybrids all exchanged glances like they were silently understanding each other, only Xiaojun wasn't in on their silent conversation.

It was broken by the living room door being thrown open and someone bouncing inside.

“Good morning! I dreamt of having Hamburgers, Hyung, can we have Hamburgers, please?”

Xiaojun startled in his seat as another dog Hybrid came toward the table, his tail wagging and his voice much too loud for indoors.

"You know Taeyong's responsible for the weekly food schedule, so you'll have to ask him," Taeil said, turning in his chair towards the new Hybrid. His fur was black and he was relatively tall and broad, but his face still had the softness of a boy to it.

“I think Donghyuck’s bad influence. He’s gotten so loud recently.” Yuta contemplated through his coffee. Xiaojun wasn’t sure who Donghyuck was, but maybe he was yelling indoors, too.

“But Hyung, Taeyong-Hyung will say it’s unhealthy and not let me.” The black dog whined and started trying to fit himself onto Taeil’s lap.

It struck Xiaojun as weird how he addressed his owner as simply Taeil-Hyung and would go ahead occupying his attention (and lap) freely, but the repeated mention of this Taeyong made him even more curious. Maybe he was another human? If he was responsible for the household, he’d maybe be even more important than Taeil, at least for Xiaojun’s own needs. Taeil might earn the money, but this Taeyong might be the one who decided if he got to eat, where he’d sleep, and so on.

"Well, if it's unhealthy, then we shouldn't eat it regardless," Taeil said and pushed the dog off his lap, who whined and tried to snuggle up to the human again, obviously begging with his body language. Xiaojun decided to return his attention to his soup, which was when he gasped:

“Hyung, who’s this?”

Xiaojun startled once more and looked up at the black dog, who was gaping at him.

“Oh my god, he’s so pretty!”

The hair on his tail started sticking up at the word. Customers usually called him pretty, his handler did, but they only said it to humiliate him. His face was pretty, but nothing else, he hadn’t anything other to offer.

It wasn’t a compliment.

“Jeno, please be a little gentle with our guest. This is Xiaojun, he’ll be with us for now, until he decides if he wants to stay or go somewhere else. Xiaojun, this is Jeno, he’s our youngest and sometimes a little overexcited.”

Jeno beamed and rounded the table, headed towards him in what was nearly a run. Xiaojun felt his muscles tighten in anticipation.

“That’s not a good idea, Jeno, wait a second…” someone called, but Xiaojun was focussed solely on the Hybrid that was charging at him. He wouldn’t let him hurt him, Xiaojun wasn’t the type to hold still and accept, especially when it came to other Hybrids where there would be less punishment over bad manners. When he was close enough, he struck, fingers hooked into claws, just when this Jeno was about to attack him first.

A yelp ripped through the room and the dog backed away, holding his neck where Xiaojun had scratched him. It served him right, for trying to come at him like that. Relief over having avoided the attack spread in Xiaojun’s chest.

For some reason, the dog started to tear up, his brown eyes full of confusion and hurt.

People came from all around, some pushed Jeno away, which was good, but they kept telling him that it was okay, he hadn’t meant it.

Hell yes, had he meant it. He wasn’t going to let anyone mess with him.

“Xiaojun?” he tore his eyes off where Yuta was inspecting the scratches. They were bleeding. He had gotten a good hit in. Ten had sat down next to him. “Why did you hurt him?”

Xiaojun looked at him in confusion. “He was going to hurt me first. I… I only tried to defend…” His head was spinning. Why was he getting asked again? If he had done wrong, why didn’t Taeil quickly discipline him? That way Xiaojun knew he had been out of place and it’d be dealt with. He knew some humans allowed their dogs to hit their other Hybrids as they pleased, to keep them raw. Maybe Taeil followed that policy?

“Because he came towards you? Did you feel threatened?”

“Y-yes?”

“I see.” Ten smiled, but it wasn’t the bright and warm smile from earlier. “Jeno intended to come and hug you. He’s still quite young, he doesn’t look it anymore, but he’s only 16 and really likes to show his affection.”

Who ran to hug people? That was just odd. Not to mention there was no reason for the dog to feel any affection in the first place. They were strangers!

Would Ten tell him a lie?

After he had done the most in keeping him safe, had even had those monsters taunt him, Xiaojun didn’t want to think badly of him. It just sounded so… weird. To go and hug strangers.

“You misunderstood him, that can happen, he shouldn’t have been so brash when he doesn’t know you yet. However, we try and solve conflicts with words first. If you tell him you don’t want him to hug you, he won’t. In return, he obviously wants you to not do things to him he doesn’t like – mutual respect of boundaries.” Ten explained.

That made sense in theory. Once upon a time, Xiaojun had learnt the word no meant no. The thing was… Xiaojun often said no. But no one ever respected that. He could say no all he wanted, it didn’t matter.

He was just a Hybrid.

It was like Ten understood that because he kept explaining when he noticed his hesitation.

“Let me show you how it works, I’ll try and touch you, and when you don’t like it, you tell me no, okay?”

Xiaojun carefully nodded.

Ten reached out and put his hand on top of where Xiaojun’s was on the dining table. Xiaojun attentively watched where it went. It felt nice, warm and comfortable, and he moved it up his arm next. That was fine, too, great even. Xiaojun wanted him to keep doing that. It felt wonderful to have someone who’d not hurt him do this. Ten wouldn’t hurt him, right?

His hand went up into Xiaojun’s hair next, scratching the base of his ears. Xiaojun felt the muscle relax and a purr scratch in his throat, but he didn’t let it out, only leaning into the touch a little.

“Is that all okay?” Ten asked.

"Yes." Xiaojun hurried to answer because he didn't want to stop.

“Okay, good. So you don’t mind when I touch you?”

“No.”

“But you don’t want Taeil-Hyung to?”

Xiaojun bristled. It was probably bad to say no, right? He needed to stay on the human’s good side.

“I’ll take that as a no, but he already knows that. But I’m happy you don’t dislike touching in general.”

Xiaojun nodded a little, as much as he could without losing Ten’s scratching.

“Okay, well, if you don’t mind me, then… Kun?”

Xiaojun turned to look at the other cat, who had been watching silently.

“I don’t mind.”

“You don’t mind me?” Kun asked, his eyes widening for some reason. “Really? I thought you hated me.”

Xiaojun felt bad for remembering that he had told the other cat that plenty of times.

“No. I’m sorry, I… I’m so grateful you both protected me, I never… realised… uh… I definitely don’t hate you! I… didn’t even say thank you yet! Thank you!”

“Oh… okay.” Kun perked up, looking too happy for the occasion. “You’re very welcome, we couldn’t have let those men harm you!”

“I agree with Kun. You’re welcome.” Ten turned to where the pile of people had built around Jeno. Most of them were gone now, including Jeno, leaving only Jaehyun, who had also been watching.

“How do you feel about Jaehyun touching you?” Ten suggested and Xiaojun pulled back, feeling his ears flatten.

“No.”

“Right…” Jaehyun deflated on the spot he stood, his tails and ears dropping in sadness. After what he had done before, Jaehyung shouldn’t feel like there was any reason to like him, Xiaojun thought. The dog shuffled back to his spot, where his soup was getting cold.

“See? That’s how that works. Jaehyun, can you tell Xiaojun something you don’t like, that he shouldn’t do?” Ten asked. Jaehyun looked up from stirring his soup, face sad like three weeks rain. That was weird. But Xiaojun wouldn’t let himself be tricked!

“Uh… I don’t like… getting woken in the morning. Oh, and when someone pulls off my blanket, that’s the worst. I hate that.” Jaehyun shuddered.

“Alright, so, Xiaojun, will you not do that, because he doesn’t like that?” Ten asked.

“But…” Xiaojun lowered his voice, hoping that Jaehyun wouldn’t hear “But that’s not the same.”

“Well, it might be different things, but they’re both something you don’t like to one of you, so they have the same importance. And it’s very easy to test. If Jaehyun will touch you from now on, that you established your boundary with him, he would break that agreement and have to deal with the consequences, however, if you haven’t talked about it beforehand, he can’t respect it because he doesn’t know it’s important to you.”

Xiaojun slowly nodded. That actually made sense.

He still glared back at the dog when he looked his direction again. He didn’t like him, not at all. Regardless of whether he’d respect his wish or not.

Because if he really did was still to be confirmed. Xiaojun wasn’t so sure Jaehyun would really uphold his side of the agreement.

“When the others come, we’ll do the same thing again, alright? You tell them what you don’t like and they tell you something in return, and based on that you establish your boundaries.” Kun explained.

Xiaojun nodded again.

“Great, see, that’s a decision you made.” Ten smiled and ruffled his hair.

A decision? Really? His own? Xiaojun tried to understand how that had worked, but he felt sort of excited over that. Over having his own opinion on something.

 

As he was still riding the wave of Ten petting his ears, which he was absolutely awesome at, and having made a decision, two new Hybrids joined the breakfast – another cat and a rabbit.

The cat’s hair was a glossy, even grey, his eyes bright green, but his perfect appearance was taunted by a gash in one of his ears. It looked old, healed for years, but it was there, painfully obvious. It didn’t change the fact that he looked like yet another expensive Hybrid. Xiaojun tried to guess the monetary value of all these Hybrids in the house. With the dogs, things such as their education would make a difference, while for the cats and bunnies it was purely based on visuals and breed. But no one was lacking in any of those.

Once more, Xiaojun felt like there was no reason for Taeil to keep him, no room for him here.

He had felt the cut on his forehead, had seen the new damage done to his already blemished body. All those things that had been important and taken care of well when he had grown up were ruined past repair. He wasn’t worth much anymore, not as anything other than a cheap whore. If the damage to his face was bad enough, not even that anymore. Xiaojun hadn’t looked. He already was tired of living, he didn’t need to find out he was now actually completely worthless.

“Good morning. Oh hi, who are you?” the two had spotted him, but luckily, no one was coming closer. That didn’t make him like them, but it made him not dislike them.

Xiaojun realised people expected him to introduce himself, not how the earlier introductions had worked where someone else had done it for him. He cleared his throat and tried to appear friendly, not burn more bridges than he already had within only the first hour of being here.

Then again. It was all just temporary, he’d leave this earth soon, with or without being friendly, right? But Kun and Ten were right next to him, and he wanted to be friends. So, he pulled himself together.

“I’m Xiaojun.”

“Is he…”

"Yes, Xiaojun was our patient," Kun confirmed without even having to listen to the whole question. "But he's our guest now."

The two nodded in understanding. They were coming closer. Xiaojun felt his body tighten and lean away from their direction.

Right. Establish boundaries. Now he could test if that worked how Ten had explained.

“I don’t want any damn hugs or others.” He tried to keep his voice level, but it ended up being a little hissy. But… it actually worked! The two stopped, still three or so steps away from him.

“You don’t like touching?” the rabbit asked.

“Like Sicheng? Or not at all?” the cat inquired.

Xiaojun had no idea who the hell Sicheng was supposed to be.

“Not at all.”

“Well, it’s different from Sicheng, but we already talked about you respecting his boundaries, and he will respect yours in return. Right?” Ten turned to him and Xiaojun hurried to nod.

“Great. I’m Taeyong, this is Doyoung. Uh… I don’t like… oh, I have the perfect thing. I hate it when there’s clothing lying around, so I’d love it if you could keep your belongings orderly.”

Xiaojun looked at him blankly.

“Belongings?”

“ _Like your clothes, toys, books, whatever is yours. Belongings.”_ Kun switched to Mandarin to clear the confusion up.

_“Well, I don’t have any of that. So I can’t do that, can he ask something else?”_

“ _You might not have any right now, but if you’re with us you will acquire your own belongings and then you can.”_ Kun smiled.

“Um. Okay.” He looked at the rabbit, to hear what he would like him to respect.

“For me… please don’t make any stupid bunny jokes.” He glared at Ten, who grinned.

“I don’t understand what you’re talking about, Thumper.”

The rabbit took a deep breath and smiled tightly at Xiaojun.

“Could you do that?”

Again, he nodded. That wasn’t hard at all. No waking and blanket stealing from Jaehyun, no chaos for Taeyong, and no bunny jokes with Doyoung.

Was that really it? Would they leave him alone in return?

Apparently, yes, because Taeyong and Doyoung were sauntering towards the kitchen now. Xiaojun saw them interlace their hands. That was… peculiar.

“ _Those two are dating, that’s why they’re holding hands. They’re not very in-your-face with it, but you will probably notice. Do you feel uncomfortable with… uh…”_ Kun’s cheeks coloured a soft pink.

“ _What’s dating?”_ Xiaojun wondered. He was talking Mandarin, which he had always thought he was fluent in, but what was that supposed to be?

 _“Dating?”_ Kun stared at him as if he had grown a third eye. Had that been wrong? Should he know that? Xiaojun shrunk in his chair, feeling stupid. Well. He was. People had made sure to tell him plenty. But it was still embarrassing when it showed so obviously.

“ _It’s when two people like each other romantically? They’re in love? So they do special activities together and spend as much time together as they can. They’re each other’s boyfriends?”_ Xiaojun had a faint idea of how that worked, so he nodded if only to no longer seem like a complete idiot. " _So, the thing is, you can sometimes hear them, uh, doing. You know. Things.”_

Things. What things? What things did people in love do? Hold hands, apparently, but Xiaojun had heard they’d kiss and – oh! “ _You mean they fuck?”_ he asked. Kun blushed deeper red.

“ _I wouldn’t have said it like that_.” He muttered. “ _But does that bother you?”_

Xiaojun was baffled. Truly stunned.

 _“I don’t care._ ” Why on earth was he asking him this?

“ _I know this is all new, but I need your honest opinion, please. If it makes you uncomfortable or upsets you, we’ll talk about that. It’s really no problem, but we all want you to feel at home and safe here.”_

At home and safe? Xiaojun didn't even know what that felt like. How should he know what would make him feel like that when he didn't even know the feeling he was striving for? It was like the thing with his favourite food: it was a luxury, maybe even a risk, he couldn't allow himself to have. Because in the end, that made him vulnerable to new blackmail, to new betrayal, new hurt.

He couldn’t have a home here, on earth, which was why he was leaving it. Soon.

That those two would do such things as having sex on their own accord when no one was forcing them was a weird enough concept in his head. He’d never do that! It was much too awful to do voluntarily.

But again, this wasn’t something he had any say in. Why did they try and make him choose?

“ _I really don’t care what they do.”_ Xiaojun softy repeated, feeling like he was making yet another mistake.

Kun nodded slowly. “ _Well, if you come to a decision on whether or not it’s a problem, please tell us, okay? Hey, it’s okay if you don’t know yet, alright? I know it’s a lot of new things. That can be very scary.”_

Yes. Yes, it was scary. The thought that it’d be so much easier to not face all these new things, these decisions people were asking him to make, reappeared in his head.

“ _You said you were okay with me touching you?_ ” Kun asked and Xiaojun nodded.

He slowly reached out and laced his fingers into Xiaojun’s hair, starting to gently massage his scalp. Xiaojun felt himself calm down and relax under the gentle ministrations. Once more, a purr scratched in his throat, but he held it in.

For this, he’d wait a little longer with finally putting an end to his miserable life. Maybe he’d get good head massages in heaven, too. But… if they were on earth, then he wouldn’t have to go and see.

Because this was really wonderful, it stopped this suffocating loneliness in his chest, made him feel warm and… almost happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Yuta, Beagle](http://www.zooroyal.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/beagle-hunderasse-760x560.jpg)   
>  [Jaehyun, Border Collie](https://img.ohmymag.de/alternative/tier/border-collie_c276ca8d399eee73a1c079a8558d4d7cc1304846.jpg)   
>  [Jeno, Labrador Retriever](https://bilder.markt.de/images/cms/hunde/labradorwelpe.jpg)   
>  [Taeyong, Russian Blue](https://azure.wgp-cdn.co.uk/app-yourcat/posts/russian_blue1.jpg)   
>  [Doyoung, Holland Lop](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/62/c9/c1/62c9c1780151f45896b7fa72f20b7521.jpg)   
>  [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)   
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Xiaosuit](https://66.media.tumblr.com/0de0678421a908d041efde74224436e3/tumblr_ptc3jmVGep1vf7b66o2_1280.jpg) by [Burnitall](https://www.weibo.com/u/6969719428?from=feed&loc=at&nick=BurnitAll_%E7%83%A7%E5%B0%BD&is_hot=1#_rnd1560928329229)

Xiaojun finished his breakfast and waited for further instructions. But Taeil was still gone where he, Yuta, and Jeno had disappeared to.

Instead, Taeyong was now asking him questions.

“Are you fine with Korean? Do you speak it?”

“Yes.” Xiaojun tried to glare and make him stop, but the other cat seemed quite set on ignoring it.

“Great! Where are you from originally?”

“Do I look like I fucking know?” Xiaojun knew it was a place you had to take a pretty long boat trip from to get here, and it was in China, but that was it. He hated this feeling of being dumb, and the cat’s questions made him feel very dumb.

“Uh, well, then… how old are you?”

Xiaojun had no clue how old he was, he hadn’t kept track of that. It wasn’t important when you had other things to worry over, such as when you’d next get food. He didn’t even know what year it was right now. It was winter, he knew that because it was freezing out. His birthday was in summer, the 8th of the 8th month – a lucky day.

“Old enough to be made servicing old assholes.”

The cat winced. “Right. Uh, what’s your favourite food, I make the food plan and cook most of the time, I’ll put it in. Or you can cook it yourself if that’s something you enjoy?”

Right.

This was the Taeyong they had talked about before. Xiaojun felt a bit thrown off the loop. Why was he the one with that responsibility? That didn’t make any sense.

He shook the thought. There surely was some reason. Maybe the gash in his ear made him not desirable enough, so he was appointed to other tasks? Maybe Taeil had so little time he had to trust a Hybrid with the household?

“Can you stop asking stupid ass questions?” Xiaojun snarled. He wanted to leave. He hated this, he still didn’t have a favourite food and he felt like that was a mistake again. He didn’t want that feeling. So, the logical way to end that was to make Taeyong stop asking.

“S-sorry.” The cat deflated and started eating his food quicker. So that worked, too? Interesting.

“Maybe you could say this a little politer next time.” The rabbit chipped in. “We try and not use as many swear words in this household.”

Xiaojun felt new tears prick in his eyes. He had just talked as normal. Everyone had always talked like this. But, of course, in a proper household, you couldn't use these words. He had forgotten.

Couldn’t he do anything right?

“Doyoung.” Ten said and the two exchanged looks that Xiaojun didn’t know how to read.

“How about we look around the house a little? We’re also still missing our late riser, and has someone heard Sicheng?” Kun suggested.

“Yeah, he’s in the bathroom.”

Xiaojun remembered the name. It stuck easier because it was Chinese, making it more familiar in its sound.

It seemed like yet another question, but apparently, it wasn't because Kun rose off his chair. Xiaojun hurried to follow, the relief of not being asked making him eager to tag along. The cat picked up his empty dishes, so Xiaojun did the same. He remembered doing dishes with his breeder, what felt like forever ago at this point.

Kun headed the direction of the kitchen and put his bowl, spoon, and chopsticks into the sink, turning on the water. Xiaojun quickly backed away from the loud noise of the tab running, fear not letting him take a single step closer.

To his utter bafflement, Kun just stuck his hands under it and started rubbing on the bowl with a sponge. Xiaojun was still stuck to the wall, where he waited until Kun would turn the water off.

“ _You don’t like water?”_

Xiaojun wanted to lie, tell him it was fine, so they didn’t know he was absolutely terrified of falling water, avoid them knowing they could use it as punishment.

But Kun had been nice and he really wanted to be friends, so he couldn’t lie to him. Honesty was important!

“ _A… little?”_

“ _Okay. Sorry then, I didn’t know. Please tell me when there’s something you don’t like. Running water, right?”_ Xiaojun nodded. Still water was okay. Back with his breeder, someone else always had readied that for them, be it for the dishes or a bath.

Kun held out his hand “ _I’ll do your dishes today, okay?_ ”

Xiaojun thrust them towards the other cat, who took them and held them under the water to wash.

By the time he was done, Jaehyun came into the kitchen and took Kun’s spot on the sink.

“ _So, this is the kitchen, obviously. You can eat anything we have here, but make sure to tell Taeyong-Ge after, so he can re-stock.”_

 _“Everything?”_ Xiaojun couldn’t believe that. “ _Any time?”_

“ _Theoretically, yes. But prepare to get nagged when you eat before a meal. Because you shouldn’t stuff yourself and raise your insulin levels, it’s better for your… okay, whatever. You can eat whenever you want, but I recommend sticking to regular meals.”_

Xiaojun slowly nodded. That was amazing. He had never had food whenever he wanted and how much he wanted. He wasn't sure what to do with that, how he'd decide to just go and eat. Knowing he could, was already quite exciting, though.

“ _Let’s move on.”_

They exited through the living room, into the hallway they had been in before. Xiaojun made sure to remember the layout. It was always good to know where you were, in case you needed to leave. “ _We'll skip the bathrooms because I have to wake up Guanheng. He can sometimes be a little lazy with getting up. Most of us share rooms, except for Sicheng, he needs his space for the night, so he has his own one. Do you mind sharing?"_

Another question, another decision.

“ _I don’t care.”_

“ _Alright, we’ll figure that out later then. This one is Ten, Guanheng, Jeno, and my room.”_ Kun pushed open the second door on the left and revealed a medium-sized room. There were a bunk bed and an additional twin that had been pushed against the lower level to make more room. The blankets were still thrown around, speaking of the early hour. There were two closets, and a dresser under the windows. Some clothing hung from the bed and Xiaojun noticed different coloured towels on the door. 

“ _Guanheng, it’s time to stand up. Come on, it’s already well past seven.”_ Kun made his way to the bunk bed, where someone was lying under blankets on the upper level. He started stirring, now that he had been addressed. Another Chinese then. There were quite a lot of them here, Xiaojun realised. How odd? Why had Taeil gone through the effort of buying them in China and bringing them here? Then again, a Bengalese was hard to get, maybe there hadn’t been any sold in South Korea, and who knew what breeds the other two were. Probably more expensive, rare types that’d make Xiaojun, used and no longer with a ‘pretty’ face, look like a mutt in comparison; worthless.

“ _Five more minutes.”_ The person on the bed croaked.

“ _It’s already been plenty of five more minutes. Come on, up you go.”_ Kun climbed the ladder a little and shook the blanket-pile.

“ _No. I don’t wanna.”_

Kun sighed but let go. Guanheng had said no, and he had stopped. No meant no. Interesting.

“ _If you don’t get up, you won’t get to meet our guest.”_ Kun baited the sleepy-head.

That seemed to do the job because the blankets moved and then a head poked from them, slowly sitting up. His hair was messy, sticking up around his cat ears. He blinked his eyes open and squinted, as he scanned the room until they landed on Xiaojun.

He wasn’t the perfectly groomed image of an exotic rarity Xiaojun had expected. Actually… he looked like a pretty regular tabby. Not to mention he had yellow eyes, those weren’t that desirable in Hybrids. He was still very handsome other than that, so maybe it didn’t affect his worth as much, but you could definitely find someone like him in a Korean Hybrid shop.

New confusion came into Xiaojun’s head. This Taeil guy was more unpredictable than expected. Hopefully, he wouldn’t find himself in a net of traps, maybe even more illegal practices…?

“ _Who’s that?”_

“ _Guanheng, this is Xiaojun, Xiaojun, this is Guanheng. He’s your age, 17.”_

He was 17? Why did Kun know that? Maybe he had just guessed? Xiaojun could be 17. The last certain date he knew was when he had been 14, but that felt like it had been a lifetime ago.

Guanheng waved. “ _Hi. You’re Chinese?”_

What kind of question was that? What else would he be? He had a Chinese name, he spoke Mandarin, could there be more proof? Clearly, this cat was making fun of him! He wouldn’t let him ridicule him, Xiaojun felt like an uneducated idiot more than enough, without any arrogant tabbies helping that. The other probably wasn’t much smarter than himself. Hybrids didn’t get to go to school and tutors weren’t an investment worth the price for cats. Knowing maths and literature wasn’t needed to clean a room or sexually please anyone.

 _“No, I’m from the moon.”_ Xiaojun snarled back.

“ _Wait, really?”_

_“No, are you an idiot? Of course, I’m Chinese.”_

_“Well, I only asked, no need to get mean.”_

_“No need to ask dumb questions.”_

_“Alright, that’s enough, you two, let’s stay nice with each other.”_

_“He started it, Ge.”_ Guanheng pointed at Xiaojun, who bared his teeth in reply.

“ _It doesn’t matter who started it, it’s only important to end it. Guanheng, come on, get your breakfast.”_

Guanheng grumbled something under his breath, but Xiaojun caught it.

“ **Stupid shorty.** ”

Now, he was perfectly aware not all Chinese spoke Cantonese, which most likely was what Guanheng had been betting on with his little insult. Too bad he did.

“ **Do you have a problem with my height?”**

**“I have a problem with your rudeness. Weren’t you taught to be polite?”**

**“Oh no, sir, could I please help you with your lazy behind getting down from the bed? Yes, please, thank you, that’d be so terribly kind of you.”**

**“Shut up, I can get down from my bed just fine.”**

**“Doesn’t look like it.”**

Guanheng hissed from where he was still buried in his blankets, his ears tugged backwards into his hair, and Xiaojun didn’t even hesitate a second to return the threat.

“ _That’s enough. Xiaojun, come on, let’s look at the rest of the house.”_ Kun grabbed his hand and dragged him to the door. Xiaojun let him, but he kept glaring at the cat on the bunk bed, who was returning the gesture just as furiously.

He definitely also didn’t like Guanheng.

Kun sighed after he had closed the door, and gave him a tight smile. “ _So, you speak Cantonese? I already thought so because of your accent. Guanheng is the only other person speaking it, so maybe you could get along well in the future.”_

Xiaojun had very serious doubts about that, but Kun seemed to be hopeful and… well, he liked Kun, so he didn’t want to say no. So, he just didn’t say anything.

“ _Let’s check the other rooms, okay?”_

 

There was Taeil's room, Sicheng's room, which both were off-limits. Then there was a small storage closet, the room Taeyong and Doyoung shared, which was also private, and the one Yuta and Jaehyun lived in, into which they glanced just for a moment.

More interestingly, there were two bathrooms.

“ _This one is the private one and that one is the public one. You can lock this door for privacy, but this one is always open and especially in the evening it’s quite crowded, only a few people shower in the morning. Which is the problem, we only have a bathtub in this one, I’m guessing you don’t like showers?”_ Xiaojun was about to say he didn't care. But actually… he did. And Kun had asked. Finally, a question he knew how to answer, could answer risk-free, because he could trust Kun, could be honest with him.

“ _I…I don’t think I do. I never took one._ ” Just the idea of standing under falling water for a longer period of time made him shudder.

“ _Well… do you mind sharing the bathroom? We don’t really look, but it can happen someone catches a glimpse?”_

This was another question Xiaojun didn't understand, not really, but apparently, Kun wanted his opinion.

“ _I don’t care.”_ Kun’s smile got strained.

“ _Okay, well, let’s try it like this. Have you shared the bathroom in the past?”_

 _“Yeah.”_ All Xiaojun had ever been in were shared bathrooms. He really didn’t feel there was a need for a private one.

“ _And did you feel like it was embarrassing to use that? Did you feel uncomfortable around other people without clothes?”_

Xiaojun shrugged. He didn’t like being around customers naked, because they’d stare, leer, and touch. The bathroom was different, had never posed a threat. Sure, the whole washing yourself required you take off your clothing, but it wasn’t the same, the whole setting and intention served a different purpose. It was only to get clean.

“ _No, I haven’t.”_

_“Okay, well, good. Really good! I’m happy to hear that, that makes things a lot easier. Because having only two bathrooms is already a tight fit as it is.”_

For some reason, Kun’s happiness was contagious and Xiaojun felt himself get happy over it not being a problem, too.

“ _Great, well that’s already everything in this flat. It’s pretty small for how many people live here, but houses are expensive. Do you have questions?”_

Xiaojun didn’t have questions, so he shook his head.

“ _Let’s see if Sicheng came from the shower, maybe Jeno’s back. We should make sure to establish boundaries with everyone, okay? Be respectful of them and they’ll be respectful in return.”_

He nodded. He didn’t want to see these other Hybrids, he didn’t like any of them, with the exception of Ten and Kun, but Kun had said to go, so he’d go.

 

The living room was quite crowded when they re-entered it. Guanheng had emerged from his bed, was eating and sending Xiaojun death glares that he happily returned. Jeno was also back, a plaster over his neck. Taeil, Yuta, Jaehyun, and Ten were discussing something, and Xiaojun spotted the only Hybrid he didn’t know yet: a stark white bunny with black eyes, who was looking at him curiously. This was probably Sicheng then.

The four looked up but didn't interrupt their conversation, and Kun led Xiaojun to sit down close to the bunny, with Xiaojun taking the end of the table. That was nice, Kun would be the barrier between him and the stranger. It was similar to earlier when Kun had blocked his view and distracted him while the police were running around. He was really thoughtful!

 _“Sicheng, this is Xiaojun, Xiaojun, this is Sicheng, who I’ve been talking about._ ”

Sicheng leaned over the table to look past Kun. His face was elegant and he looked like he was a cold person. Xiaojun would rather have someone that kept their distance than more running hugs without warning.

Then he broke into a smile and the whole impression crumbled.

“ _Hi. Nice to meet you. You must have had a stressful night.”_

Sicheng’s voice was surprisingly deep. Especially for a Hybrid. Xiaojun knew that one of his breeder’s biggest worries had been that their voices might drop too low. Humans didn’t enjoy it when Hybrids they wanted to fuck were too masculine. Xiaojun didn’t know the reason, but it wasn’t his place to question it. Humans made the rules over what was wanted and desirable in Hybrids, what made them worth more, and what lowered their price.

While he was objectively beautiful, the deep voice would considerably lower Sicheng's price, just how the yellow eyes would Guanheng's. Why did Taeil go through the trouble of getting them from China? He had to have an ulterior motive! Xiaojun felt new worry creep upon him.

There was a way out, he remembered. He could end it when he needed to. It would be fine, he had that control.

“ _I know it’s a little hard to believe, but we’re nothing like those people, you don’t have to worry about your safety and health here, Taeil-Ge is actually this unbelievably nice person.”_

Yeah, unbelievably nice, that fit well. Especially the unbelievable part.

“ _But I can’t make you believe that, so I won’t try, I just wanted to make sure to tell you, in case that can make a difference.”_

Xiaojun liked that, could appreciate it that Sicheng knew he wasn’t trustworthy and didn’t try to make himself appear to be what he wasn’t. Or maybe it was a trap? But it’d be a weird one… Just in case, Xiaojun should make sure to stay away. Far away.

Kun glanced between them, and let out a deep breath like he had been holding it.

“ _Well, Xiaojun was making sure to establish boundaries with everyone, so we could have a basis of mutual respect. Right, Xiaojun?”_ Kun encouraged.

“ _Yeah. Uh.”_ Right, respectful. There was no reason to not be, he reminded himself. He could feel Guanheng glare holes into his skin from where he was sitting. Sicheng was much nicer than him, that was for sure. “ _I don’t want you touching me.”_

Surprise, then a weird expression crossed Sicheng's face. Xiaojun didn't know how to interpret it. It wasn't pitying, but it was sort of similar?

“ _Of course, no problem, I won’t.”_

 _“What do you want me to not do in return?”_ Xiaojun asked, then glanced at Kun for confirmation. Yes, he was doing this right.

“ _Please make sure to not enter my room without permission, okay?_ ”

Xiaojun nodded. “ _That’s all?”_

“ _Yes. That's all. You can touch me if you want."_ Sicheng beamed. It was oddly endearing and Xiaojun felt like there was more to that than immediately obvious.

 _“Guanheng, did you listen?”_ Kun asked.

Guanheng dropped his spoon to the table with so much force it banged on the wood, and everyone looked his direction.

**“I don’t like cuddling with rude people anyway, so have fun being alone.”**

_“Not again.”_ Xiaojun heard Kun whisper, but he ignored it, just how he ignored the stab in his heart from hearing the words.

**“Even if you were the last person on earth, I wouldn’t want you anywhere near me.”**

**“Yeah, me neither. So, since you’re doing your boundaries and stuff, you can stay away from me, too.”**

**“You bet I’ll stay the fuck off, I wouldn’t even touch you with a fucking pole if I had to.”**

_“Hey, you two, knock it off.”_

Guanheng looked like he wanted to add something, but he swallowed his words.

 _“We’ve already established everything there was to establish.”_ He finally gritted out.

_“Is that so?”_

_“Yes.”_ Xiaojun lied. He didn’t want to repeat himself when Kun was obviously unpleased with the fighting. He wanted Kun to like him, after all. Guanheng could go to hell for all he cared.

“ _Good. Well, since Jeno’s back, how about you two apologise to each other? For the misunderstanding earlier.”_

Xiaojun didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong, but if Kun wanted him to say sorry, he could just say it. Apparently, Kun noticed he wasn’t really in it, because he elaborated:

“ _Since he didn’t know yet you didn’t want him touching you, he couldn’t have expected the reaction, and you scratching him hurt him.”_

 _“Oh.”_ Xiaojun glance down the table. That actually made sense. He felt a little guilty for his actions. Saying sorry would be the appropriate thing.

 **“I’d feel pretty shitty for hurting Jeno, he’s just a nice puppy.”** Xiaojun’s head jerked Guanheng’s direction, who had kept his tone as if he was making a nice remark to hide the true meaning of his words. He looked up and met Xiaojun’s eyes with indifference. Snake! “ **You better apologise.”**

**“I was going to, but sure as fuck not because you demanded it. You tell me I’m rude, but look at you, you’re so fucking entitled and full of yourself.”**

**“I’m not the one who scratched open Jeno’s throat.”**

**“I bet you don’t even know how to do that, you surely always just nod and smile for your owner, say thank you in the evening when he sends you off to sleep on the floor after fucking you.”**

Guanheng jumped off his chair. Xiaojun felt someone’s hand on himself, but he was too angry to care, as he mirrored the gesture.

**“Don’t talk like that about Taeil-Go. He would never do that! He’s nothing but nice, I’m sure he was nice to you, too, he doesn’t deserve you speaking of him this way.”**

Xiaojun snorted. Ridiculous. There was no way this human kept himself an army of Hybrids for no reason.

**“Suit yourself. There’s more than enough Hybrids out there who’re just like you and will stab anyone in the fucking back to get into their owner’s good graces.”**

**“I’m not some traitor!”**

**“Really? You sure sound like one.”**

**“Shut up!”** Guanheng slammed his hands on the table, making everything rattle. He seemed to intend on pouncing over it and at Xiaojun, but Taeil and Yuta were holding him back, and when Xiaojun tried to jerk forward to snarl at him, he found that there was someone holding him back, too.

“Boys. Please. No more violence today.” Taeil said, his voice stern.

Xiaojun looked to see who was holding him, intending to break free and give them a piece of his mind, but it turned out to be Kun. He relaxed and tried to calm himself down, but just seeing Guanheng’s face was already enough to make him want to scratch his fingers across it and ruin his good appearance for him.

“Sorry, Hyung. But he said such mean things about you and…” Guanheng glared his direction again.

“That’s okay. Thank you for sticking up for me, Guanheng.” Xiaojun squeezed his eyes shut as he realised that Guanheng was just telling on him – and just because he reworded the truth Xiaojun had spoken into making it seem like Xiaojun had accused him of some crime, not what he was entitled to as an owner, didn’t mean he could really talk back. He had really messed up. Of course, the Hybrid that had been here for longer would be trusted and spared. He’d be punished. He had brought that upon himself and he hated himself for that, he wanted this to end. He didn’t want to live through this.

“Xiaojun, it’s okay, no one made a mistake here, it’s all normal getting to know each other.”

Was it? Was it really? Xiaojun didn’t even know anymore. He just wanted to curl up and be alone, suddenly everything was too much, all the other people who he had to talk to and establish boundaries, it was just overwhelming.

“I think we need to address this differently. Let’s take a little break, Kun, how about you take Xiaojun to my room and just relax a little? We can figure things out later.”

Was that bad? Xiaojun hoped it wasn’t bad, he wanted to get away from here, but what if that was bad?

“ _How about that? We can just read a book or something.”_ Kun suggested. Xiaojun nodded slowly. He didn’t look up as Kun pulled him from the table, he just let him manoeuvre through the flat again, into the room previous unopened.

Xiaojun felt a little like he wasn’t supposed to be here. Well. Rather… that he didn’t want to be here. After all, this was the human’s bedroom and he knew all too well what happened in these four walls. It was lucky that he was here only with Kun, not with Taeil. Xiaojun eyed the window carefully. It could be pushed open, that was for sure. He’d fit through there…

“ _Sorry for Guanheng, I don't know what he said but I got a rough idea. I'm surprised he reacted that way, normally he's very calm. Then again, he was lucky enough never to have been dragged into the world of organised crime, so he might not understand. I hoped you could get along well, but… yeah."_ Kun sighed.

Xiaojun was very confused by he was apologising to him, not only because Kun had literally not done anything, but also because Xiaojun would just think himself at fault. And wasn’t he? Maybe Kun got it wrong…

“ _I think I did wrong. I’m sorry for… being… like that. I don’t want to, I just can’t help it.”_ He didn’t dare look at Kun. He really wanted to make friends and if Kun thought badly of him because he lashed out… he didn’t want that. He wished he could stay calm and level-headed, but he immediately felt like he was threatened and had to fight back, which led to him attacking with either words or actions.

How did one even make friends? Xiaojun wasn’t sure how to answer even that basic question. But surely not by picking fights with those the people, he wanted to be friends with, had known for much longer than himself

“ _I understand that there's no reason to be sorry, you have every right to be angry and I understand you can't just come and trust everyone here and become friends. I know you've been treated badly, very badly. I wish I could just undo that and make you forget about it._ ” Kun looked serious. He meant that. Not just that he… he understood.

Xiaojun suddenly felt this loneliness spread in his chest again, loneliness and sadness, combined into a mixture of raw misery that seemed to eat him from the inside out. He felt tears sting in his eyes and he wanted to get closer, but he didn’t dare to, too scared to make a mistake and ruin that Kun wasn’t mad with him.

Still trying to blink away the tears, make this mess of emotions leave, Xiaojun felt Kun gently push him through the room. They sat down on the bed and Kun wrapped his arms around him, gently stroking his back. Despite already having cried so much today, Xiaojun felt more tears roll down his cheeks, heard himself hick-up as he tried to breathe.

“ _I’m-I’m scared. All of this is so scary.”_

“ _What is scary?”_

 _“E-everything, th-the questions, the o-others, I… I don’t know how to do this, I want to, but I don’t know how, I-I’m just some left-over, you’re all really perfect and desirable and I… I’m not, I want to fit in, but I don’t. I just… I just…”_ Xiaojun didn’t want to die, not right now, not while Kun was rubbing his back and listening, but what other way was there? His whole life… it just wasn’t worth living!

_“I can’t make the questions any less scary, or the others any less strangers that seem untrustworthy, but I can tell you this: we’re all with Taeil because we didn’t fit in somewhere. Some of us were supposed to be put down. They wouldn’t be around anymore, if not for Taeil taking them in and giving them a second chance. Some of us, like me, were lost in the same system you were: crime and gangs that just use us as wares, not as people. We ended up with the police or on the streets until Taeil found us and gave us a home.”_

Xiaojun took a shaky breath. He thought about the Hybrids he had met today. Nothing really stood out as not perfect…

Well, maybe the gash in Taeyong’s ear?

Or how the man from the brothel had called Ten Frosty?

 “ _R-really? Even you?”_

“ _Yeah. I was stolen from my original owner and kept just as a status symbol for a mobster for years. I know how it feels to never be asked your opinion and then suddenly being made make decisions. It is scary at first, but then it's the best feeling in the world because you get to decide over your own life."_

Decide over your own life.

“ _So… like… freedom?”_ Xiaojun carefully asked.

“ _Yes, exactly. Freedom! Taeil-Hyung gives us as much of that as he can, even pushes so he can give us more than laws right now allow.”_ Kun’s fingers weaved through his hair. Xiaojun sniffed and rubbed over his face to dry the tears.

“ _But why? I don’t understand. How can Hybrids even be free? We’re meant to be servants, we’re made for that!”_

 _“Well, first of all, you have to understand you aren’t too different from humans._ ” The words Ten had said earlier echoed in Xiaojun’s head. “ _You were simply raised to feel like you were less. That messes with your head. If you always believe something, it will become truth, regardless of whether it really is. If you start to see that Hybrids actually are smart, sentient beings, on a level with humans, everything else just makes sense."_

_“But… I don’t feel smart. I’m not. I know I’m not.”_

Xiaojun wished he were. He admired those able to use maths, who knew about the world, how things worked and why.

“ _I disagree. You were told you were not, and never given an education, nor the support to pursue studies. But I know you are. You weren’t given the chance to explore that, to see for yourself that you were, because some want to use and exploit us. If we’re smart, we’re a threat to them._ ”

Xiaojun stared at the opposite wall.

He was smart? Like a human?

Slowly, the closet blurred in front of his eyes, but at least a bit of the idea stuck.

 

They ended up spending the whole day in the room, away from questions, untrustworthy strangers, everything. Kun read him some books. He knew so many more words than Xiaojun, it was impressive. Taeyong brought them lunch, and later dinner, and at some point, during the evening, Xiaojun dozed off on the bed.

In his dream, he was on the green field again, running and rolling around. He wasn't alone, he was with people, and when he tried to see their faces, the figures didn't turn into dust, instead, Kun and Ten smiled back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Guanheng, Shorthair](https://d17fnq9dkz9hgj.cloudfront.net/breed-uploads/2018/08/american-shorthair-detail.jpg?bust=1535566898&width=355)  
> [Sicheng, Dwarf Hotot](https://rabbitsforsaleinnebraska.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/172.jpg?w=640)  
> This is what I imagine [Taeil's](https://i.ibb.co/98XbwT4/15-Taeil-s-Flat.jpg) flat to look like, cleaned up that is.  
> (it's still with the original roommates from Moon Diamond)  
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [This](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D8x3tgtX4AIZsZB.jpg) was when I decided I had to make this story Xiaokun. ;;;

When Xiaojun woke up, he felt disoriented. He looked around, altered. There was a TV, he was on a sofa that was in a slightly messy living room. Right, Taeil’s flat.

Where were Ten and Kun? Xiaojun felt panic rise as he didn’t see either of them. But he spotted the white bunny, sitting on the other sofa where he was knitting something from red and green yarn. He seemed to have noticed Xiaojun waking up, paused, and looked up.

“ _Good morning, you slept really long, do you feel rested?”_

Xiaojun tried to stay calm. It was fine. Sicheng wasn’t too scary and he would respect his boundaries, they had established them, Kun had said so. Right? Was it morning already? Why was he in the living room?

Someone must have brought him. Xiaojun took a deep breath and looked down himself, but he was still in the hospital pyjamas. No one had stripped him. That was a relief.

 _“Where is everyone?_ ” A small whiff of food came from the direction of the kitchen.

“ _Most of them are downstairs, getting the office back up. Taeil-Ge, Ten-Ge, and Kun-Ge had to go and see the lawyer. They’ll be back soon, I think.”_

Xiaojun tried to swallow past the panic he felt over being suddenly without either of the trustworthy Hybrids here. Sicheng had said they’d come back, they hadn’t abandoned him.

But what if? Maybe, Kun was sick of his annoying behaviour? Maybe Ten was fed up he was so aggressive and not nice at all?

That was probably it. They surely were glad to be free of him.

“Did he wake up?” someone called and he looked around to find the grey cat poke his head from the kitchen.

“Yeah.” Sicheng replied and started putting his needlework aside. “ _Want to go and see what he’s cooking?”_ he suggested.

 _“I don’t care.”_ The answer was almost a reflex already.

“ _I’m not going to take you without explicit consent. Having to do things you don’t want is the worst thing.”_ Sicheng announced.

The anger that had immediately sparked at feeling belittled died as quickly as it came when he mulled over the words. It sounded like he said that from experience, and Xiaojun found himself agreeing.

Kun had said they came from bad places. Bunnies were very popular in brothels. Maybe Sicheng had come from one?

Xiaojun almost didn’t dare think that thought, because Sicheng was so elegant and graceful. He had to be wrong. No way had he been made into a whore - it was silly to jump to conclusions he had zero proof for.

The scent of food wavered through the room again, and Xiaojun glanced the direction of the kitchen. He was a little curious about what food Taeyong was making. But he didn't really care for Taeyong and his questions that made him feel dumb.

Kun had said he was smart. It sounded laughable now. He wasn’t smart! Why did he even dare think that?

 _"I don't want to,"_ Xiaojun whispered.

“ _Okay. Thank you for letting me know your opinion.”_ Sicheng nodded “Hyung, do you still have breakfast for Xiaojun? _”_ he asked towards the kitchen.

His opinion? Xiaojun perked up. That was what that was? The thing the others kept asking for? He tried to memorise how he had found out what that actually implied, how to find out what his opinion was. Actually, it was just answering a question with his own, truthful thoughts.

That shouldn’t be so hard, right?

But how could he know if he was allowed an opinion, or if it was better to answer to please someone - especially Taeil? He was a human, after all. He was at the top of the hierarchy here, all Xiaojun’s actions should be focussed on pleasing him.

It was already getting very confusing again, and Xiaojun decided to just leave it at that for now.

“Of course. Come have it at the table!” Taeyong replied from the kitchen.

Xiaojun immediately scrambled off the sofa and did as asked.

Taeyong came with a spoon first, then with rice and soup, and Xiaojun silently ate. He had felt a bit hungry, but not to the point where it hurt yet. He was getting a lot of food here. It felt nice, to not have to try and sooth, or ignore, his tummy demanding to be fed.

Once he had finished and cleared up his dishes, there was nothing else to do. Xiaojun just looked around the room. The fir in the corner stood out again. Why on earth would anyone have a random tree standing around? Never in his life had Xiaojun heard of that being a common practice. There had to be a reason for that, didn’t there?

Would it be okay to ask? Would it come off as dumb on his side?

He tried to find any hint that it should be common knowledge why firs were used as decoration. He came up completely blank. If it were, he would have been taught, caring for plants as part of housekeeping was something he did have knowledge in.

It should be fine to ask.

 _“S-Sicheng-Ge?_ ”

The bunny looked up immediately, eyes attentive and questioning. He had a very expressive face, Xiaojun thought, not cold at all, that had been a very wrong first impression.

“ _Uh… why do you have a tree?”_ Xiaojun asked.

Sicheng broke into a beam like this had been the single best question he had ever been asked. It was… weird.

“ _For Christmas! It’s a holiday! You get together with your friends and family, eat nice food, watch films and cuddle, and just have fun. No one has to work, and there’s so much beautiful decoration. See the lights on the windows? They’re for Christmas, too. The tree will be decorated with stars and candles, to look even more beautiful. We also have lots of cookies, and we’ll be making a gingerbread house. It’s so wonderful! See this?”_

He held up the needles on which he was knitting. Xiaojun realised the piece he was making was quite big, with a pattern of what looked like weird horses on it.

“ _It’s a Christmas sweater, so you can feel even more Christmas cheer. Isn’t it so great?”_

“ _I’ve never heard of that.”_ Xiaojun didn’t think they had Christmas in China, at least not where he had grown up.

“ _It’s from the west, admittedly. But it’s still great, because of all the pretty decorations.”_

Xiaojun eyed the window. The lights there were kind of nice.

Too bad he had neither friends nor family to spend it with. Sadness settled in his chest again. It'd probably be a good idea to just… not be around for Christmas anymore. It'd just make the loneliness feel worse if he knew everyone was having fun with their dear ones.

While Sicheng picked his knitting back up, Xiaojun stared down onto the city stretching on in an endless concrete jungle, occasionally broken up with trees and greens. Taeil even had a balcony. It was so far up over the street, it’d be easy to drop himself over the handrail and then it’d be over. Maybe not right now. But soon.

 

Seeing how close to lunch it already was, It didn’t take long for some of the Hybrids to come back. Jeno and Guanheng didn’t even bother coming close, though for different reasons. Jeno pulled his tail between his legs and rushed past into the kitchen, clearly scared, while Guanheng threw Xiaojun another nasty glare. Xiaojun decided to ignore it. He had already fought so much yesterday and he knew it wasn't nice to do so. He didn't want to get into any trouble after having luckily evaded it yesterday. There were only so many mistakes he could allow himself before he'd inevitably get punished for bad behaviour. 

"How's it looking?" Sicheng asked when Yuta sat down on the sofa next to him. Xiaojun noticed his sweater had the weird horses on it, too, but it was blue instead of red and green.

“Not too bad. We have to clean some more, but we could be back open the day after tomorrow. Unless Taeil-Hyung has too much business with the case. I’m sure they’ll soon have court hearings again. But maybe Jungwoo-Hyung could be the substitute.”

What was a court hearing? Who was Jungwoo? What case? Xiaojun wondered about all these things, but he didn’t dare ask. It seemed like Sicheng knew exactly what Yuta was referring to and Xiaojun didn’t want to make himself appear like an idiot who didn’t know something that seemed to be so obvious to them.

Not to mention, he didn’t like Yuta.

“Hey, Xiaojun?”

He jerked up and hissed in surprise over being addressed by said Hybrid.

“Okay, please calm down.” Yuta raised his hands in a defensive position. Xiaojun felt his muscles tighten, but Yuta stayed where he was, on the other sofa, far away. “Kun told us to please talk to you about boundaries, so we can avoid confusion in the future?”

Right, boundaries.

“Don’t fucking touch me, don’t get fucking near me.” Xiaojun snarled. Yuta was clearly easily intimidated, if he could use that to his advantage, maybe he would be safer?

"Okay, sure. I already figured that." He said he had figured it, but he hadn't acted accordingly while they still had been in the hospital so there was no reason to believe he would now. Xiaojun had to remain wary, for his own safety. If he was scared of someone, there was a reason for that and he should cling to the feeling. It was too dangerous to allow himself any slip-ups. It'd be nice to not have to be on his guard all the time, but there was no other way if he wanted to ensure his own well-being.

Well-being. Hilarious. Xiaojun didn’t even feel well.

“So, in return please don’t hit or kick me, actually, it’d be great if you could stop hissing at me when I didn’t even do anything, I really prefer a positive attitude in interaction.” Yuta smiled.

In return for not touching him, he shouldn’t do what he was just doing?

But how could he be sure Yuta was going to stand by his word? What if he needed to defend himself?

Then again, if Yuta broke his word, then Xiaojun could break his. As long as Yuta didn’t, he had no reason to be mean, so…

Xiaojun nodded and relaxed his posture, showing a more friendly side.

"Only as long as you stay off," Xiaojun said, just to make sure.

“Yeah, got that. I will.” Yuta nodded. His ears moved along his head. It looked sort of funny, definitely not threatening.

Xiaojun eyed him in suspicion for a few more moments, as Yuta and Sicheng started talking about a show they apparently had both been watching, but there really was no reason to be angry with Yuta, so Xiaojun sunk into the pillows and curled up, waiting.

 

Sicheng eventually realised he had nothing to do, and offered him some paper and coloured pencils, which led to Xiaojun doodling to pass the time.

He noticed someone else had been sketching on the backside of where he was drawing. There were landscapes of mysterious places, with unicorns and sparkling streams. Xiaojun found them intriguing. Not only because they were executed extremely well, but because the idea seemed so unique.

It sparked the idea in his head to draw the flower field he kept dreaming of. Maybe, if he pictured it more clearly, it’d be more likely he’d go there. After his death. Too bad there were no reliable reports about what would happen then. But if there was a heaven, then there had to be this flower field there, where Xiaojun could play with his friends!

As he thought about it, slight worry rose its head again. What if there wasn’t? What if he gave up this life and then it’d really just… be over? For good?

Xiaojun pushed the worry away. He couldn’t allow himself to waver in this decision. It was the only way out, after all. The only thing he had control over.

A little preparation wouldn’t hurt, so he tried to bring the flower field to life.

It ended up looking very simple, almost ugly, in comparison to the much more elaborate sketches on the backside, so he tried again, and again until he felt it was somewhat doing this idea in his head justice.

 

They had lunch, but Ten, Kun, and Taeil still weren’t back.

Xiaojun felt more uneasy that the longer he was alone with these people he wasn’t sure what to think of.

Yuta, Jaehyun, Guanheng, and Jeno disappeared back downstairs right after eating, and the nasty glare-exchanges with Guanheng stopped. Doyoung also left, but apparently to an orphanage. Xiaojun was unsure what he did there, but again, he didn’t want to ask.

Not wanting to be useless, he collected empty dishes and carried them to the kitchen. He made sure to stay away from everyone else, to absolutely avoid touching, and once Taeyong had turned on the water he didn't dare enter the room anymore.

Regardless of how small, it felt good to have done something that felt somewhat productive.

The quietness of the day made him wonder what he was doing here. Taeil had called him a guest, but he couldn’t just sit around and do absolutely nothing, right? There had to be some sort of work for him.

On the other hand, Sicheng didn’t seem to really do much either.

Well.

He probably did do things, but not those that anyone else would normally be watching. Xiaojun shuddered at the idea. He really didn’t want to do that. If Taeil asked him to, he’d definitely refuse. He hated servicing. There was nothing fun or rewarding about it, it hurt and he felt completely out of control. That was the worst.

Right now, he felt like he had that control, over his life and body which had been taken from him for years. Right now, he could choose to end his life if he wanted to. He wasn’t going to give that up again. 

All he was here for, was to become friends with Kun and Ten for a bit, until Christmas. That was the only reason he was around, and if that was impossible, he’d leave before that. It was his choice, no worries over whose right to decide over his life he was maybe forgetting to remember, no trying to figure out if it was okay to really give his ‘opinion’, or if it was a hidden test. This was only him deciding over his life. A situation not offered anywhere else, unfortunately.

When was Christmas? It seemed to be rather close. The idea that it might just be days away made him feel a bit uneasy.

Stupid! He shouldn’t falter in his decision! He had long made up his mind!

“Xiaojun, how about you take a bath?” Taeyong had finished in the kitchen and come to where Xiaojun was on the kitchen table, musing.

He worried it might be another question, but apparently, it wasn't. Everything he didn't have to decide felt like a small relief, a small hiding place from possible mess-ups and resulting punishment.

“I’ll find you something to wear. Would you like another pyjama or something more day-like?”

And his little break from making decisions was over.

“I don’t care.” Xiaojun tried to evade having to choose. Taeyong was tasked with many important things, meaning he had to be close to Taeil. He should be especially careful in his interactions with Taeyong, so nothing negative would come out of them. Yesterday had been a slip up he shouldn’t allow himself to repeat.

“Okay, let’s look together.” Taeyong walked away, and Xiaojun guessed he was to follow.

 

They went into Doyoung and his shared room. It was meticulously cleaned and orderly, and Taeyong opened a closet that was just as perfectly organised as one would expect from seeing the room. Xiaojun spotted stacks of evenly folded and sorted by colour shirts, pants, everything.

“Choose something from here, that’s my half.” Taeyong gestured to the left part.

Xiaojun swallowed.

“A-anything?”

“Yes, absolutely anything, remember underwear and socks.”

Xiaojun stared at the closet. Was this a test? What would the correct outfit to choose be? He knew the things he’d need, but did Taeyong want him to pick something specific? Did he have to dress for a specific occasion?

He glanced at the other cat, who had picked up a book from the bedside table and wasn’t paying him any attention. He had said anything, so anything should be fine.

Right?

This shouldn’t be as hard as it was.

Xiaojun started with socks. There were only simple cotton ones, no fancy lace stockings that’d be itchy. Xiaojun had never liked those, but the customers did. These here were for free time, for being comfortable rather than desirable. It was a good start, a reassurance. Taeil wasn’t with his old handlers, Xiaojun tried to remind himself. But he wasn’t sure where the difference between his former customers and Taeil, or any other human, would be. He had too little experience and could only go off of what he had learnt when he had still been with his breeder. Servitude for a cat Hybrids could include housework and chores, usually inside the house, but mostly it would be for sexual pleasure.

As long as he could evade the sexual part, he was fine just slithering around any rules he wasn’t too sure of. It wasn’t for long anyway. Just until Christmas.

For that, the soft socks were a good thing. There were ones with cute animals on them, some white, some black. Xiaojun liked the animals, but it felt like he was taking too much with those. If he owned such cute socks, he’d probably not give them away to someone else. Then again, Taeyong had said to choose anything.

What if it was a test, to see if he was greedy? Xiaojun carefully pulled his fingers from the ones with hamsters on them.

Customers had always liked white, it was sweet and innocent, or something. So, he didn’t want white. Maybe black? He hadn’t been allowed to wear black - it was the colour the customers usually wore, the whores were to stand out from that, usually dressed in white or red.

Swallowing, he picked the black socks. It felt a little rebellious, almost. He put them back. It was probably too much to use black. Then again, Ten had been wearing nothing but black, and clearly, these were Taeyong’s, so he must be wearing them, too. 

He decided to choose socks later and went for underwear. It was all black, so there wasn’t a choice. But that meant he was already wearing black, and in his underwear at that, so he could go and choose the black socks, too.

Now came the really difficult part. Xiaojun looked over the different types of shirts. He needed something warm, so many short-sleeved were already out. He spotted nice and fluffy hoodies. He had worn a lot of hoodies all his life, they were easy to pull over anything, but they were usually washed so many times before they ever reached him, the fabric was worn thin. These were nice and thick. Xiaojun really wanted to have one of them. Would that be okay? Maybe, he should choose something not as nice and new anymore… but there wasn’t anything not nice. It had to be okay, he could have one of these.

The next problem immediately arose: there were several different colours. Again, it felt like he was taking a test but didn’t know the correct answer. Maybe one of these was Taeyong’s favourite? He shouldn’t take that. Stress choked him up, but he didn’t dare ask. His task had been clear. He didn’t want to fail it.

If he just picked at random, he couldn’t really make a conscious mistake, right?

Happy with the idea, Xiaojun closed his easy and just grabbed the first one that felt right. It was a rich blue and he felt excited as he stroked over it and it was so soft under his hands.

Maybe there’d be some matching bottoms to it?

Xiaojun found jeans, but he didn’t like how stiff and scratchy the fabric was. He found soft sweatpants and even ones in a deep blue that matched his hoodie.

He wasn’t sure how long he had taken, but probably too long. Feeling distressed, he collected everything and carefully closed the door. He turned around, and luckily Taeyong didn’t look annoyed.

“Did you find something to wear?”

Xiaojun nodded and swallowed.

“Are these okay?”

“Of course! Come on, I’ll run your water.”

Xiaojun nodded and waddled after Taeyong, feeling a bit silly, but also weirdly… taken care of?

 

He hid behind the door of the shower while the water was filling the tub and didn’t leave until it was turned off.

"Okay, these are the cat hair-friendly products. You can use the others if you want, but these are better. This one's shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. And over here's body lotion." Taeyong gestured to a bottle on the shelf.

Xiaojun was still holding his chosen clothing.

“And you need a towel, obviously.” Taeyong crossed the small room and opened the closet under the sink, from where he pulled a huge white one. “I think that’s it.” He placed it on the side of the sink.

Taeyong proceeded to settle on the closed lavatory. He had brought his book and seemed to intend on staying. Xiaojun wondered if he didn’t have anything better to do, but he didn’t want to offend him. Especially when he was being so nice to him. Taeyong hadn’t tried to touch him, nor asked more questions that made him feel dumb. Maybe he had been too quick to judge yesterday? Yesterday had been so much more stressful than today, his emotions had been all over the place. He might have made a mistake.

Xiaojun carefully laid his clothes on top of the towel, then decided to move them where there was space on the shelf, so he wouldn’t get them wet while getting the towel to dry off later. He took off the hospital pyjama and then hesitated where to put it, so Taeyong showed him there was a bin they collected dirty laundry in.

The water was the perfect temperature, and he happily dunked his head to get his hair and ears clean. It was a treat, really: he had the whole tub to himself and fresh water! But he still hurried to avoid taking too much time, because Taeyong was waiting for him.

The towel was extremely soft, too, and the hoodie felt as nice on his skin as he had expected it to, maybe even better. He was a bit envious. He'd really like to have one of his own. It was very kind of Taeyong to lend it to him.

Actually… he was generally sort of nice. Really nice. Maybe he could be a little higher on Xiaojun’s like-scale. Maybe on a level with Sicheng. Still very low, just to be sure, but not on the same indifference status as Doyoung.

“Taeyong-Hyung, I’m done.” Xiaojun softly announced, because the other was still reading and hadn’t paid him any attention after showing him the dirty laundry basket. He startled and dropped his book, that slammed to the ground, which in turn startled Xiaojun.

“Oh gosh, sorry, I forgot you were there. Are you done?” Taeyong looked up after retrieving his book from the tiled floor.

“Yeah.”

“We need to dry your hair though, you might catch a cold.” Taeyong got up and opened yet another closet door, from where he produced a blow dryer. “Want me to do it for you?” he offered.

There the mocking was again. Xiaojun knew how to use a blow dryer, he didn’t need any help for that. Just like that, he was back to feeling belittled by Taeyong. His ranking on Xiaojun’s like-scale dropped, down to Doyoung, where he had started out.

“I’m not an idiot, I know how to use that.” He bristled.

“Uh, obviously?” Taeyong looked confused, but he plugged in the cord and placed the dryer on the counter, from where Xiaojun could easily take it, without another word.

The temperature was low enough to not hurt on his ears, and the wind was gentle. Xiaojun started brushing his fingers through the wet strands. It kind of reminded him of the time with his breeder. That had been a good time.

There hadn’t been many fights and he had had friends. He didn’t really remember how he had made them, nor how he had maintained the friendship, which was unfortunate. Mainly it had just been cuddling and playing together. There hadn’t exactly been anywhere to go, so maybe that had contributed to it.

Sometimes, when one of them had gotten a star for their annual evaluation by the breeders' union officials and had boasted too much with it, they had argued, maybe even cried. Getting the stars was very hard. Xiaojun had had a few of them. In the end, they had always been friends again after. The only really tough times had been when he had made a mistake and gotten punished. Xiaojun had never been able to take that well. It hadn't happened often.

Overall, he didn’t really remember all that much. During the last years – however long it had been that he had been kept at the brothel - it seemed like his childhood memories had blurred. The more he tried to cling to them, the more it felt like someone had poured water over the scenes of happiness, making them hard to correctly recall.

What he hadn’t forgotten were the lessons taught. Behaviour, manners, skills. The brothel hadn’t required him to show that much of what he had been trained to do, only a very certain skillset, but now he could probably make good use of things like polishing glasses and scrubbing floors.

If only he remembered the skills building friendships required as well as how to fold napkins 20 different ways.

His eyes fell onto his reflection in the mirror. The only plaster that Taeil and Jaehyun hadn’t removed during the last dressing change, three days ago, was still there, right on his forehead. Quickly, he averted his eyes and looked another direction.

He had seen his body try and heal itself but failing to return to the original state, many times.

There were countless scars all over his skin, but all dated from after he had been sold. Before, being blemish-free had been the highest priority. Perfect skin was more desirable and would sell at a higher price. His breeder had even remembered that for punishment. A quick cuff over the fingers from small mistakes, a pull on his ears for more serious, and only rarely being slapped on the cheek, for really bad ones. None of those would leave any mark for longer than half a day at maximum.

The people who had gotten him after hadn’t cared that his body needed to be unblemished and perfect, so he’d be worthy of good marks from the Breeding Union officials and the attention of humans.

Xiaojun had tried to tell himself it didn't matter because the brothel had been the end-station of his life. They wouldn't let him go, so it didn't matter he was used up. But in the end… it still felt terrible to see himself lose all his worth.

Until now, it had at least been hide-able with clothing. He didn’t like that he was nothing but pretty, he hated being called that word, but in the end, it was what left him with at least some value and a right to exist.

He could feel how long the cut on his forehead was. The plaster covering it was big, reaching from his hairline down to his eyebrow. He could only imagine what his face would look with a scar right on it.

There was no hiding that.

The cut in Taeyong’s ear was nothing against one right on the face.

He was worthless now, without any purpose. No human would want him anymore.

It should be fine. He didn’t want any human to want him, anyway. He’d just end it the moment Taeil asked him to leave.

 

By the time he was warm, dry, and clean, he was already tired enough to go back to bed. He hadn't even done that much, but the stress over this whole new environment and the countless things it came with drained him as if he had actually worked out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please check the tags again, make sure you feel fine with them, before proceeding, thank you and please stay safe~

Eventually, those, that Xiaojun had been waiting for, returned. He knew because he heard Kun’s voice filtering into the living room. He nearly bounced off the sofa in relief and happiness, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to be annoying. He already was so annoying, surely.

Taeil gave him a wave, but didn’t stop and instead walked right into the kitchen. Xiaojun craned his neck to watch if Kun came, and to his relief, he did. Ten was nowhere to be found, but at least Kun was back.

To his surprise, the other cat immediately spotted him on the sofa and came over. Almost like he had looked for him, too?

That couldn’t be right.

“ _Hey, did you have a good day?_ ” Kun asked with a beam and settled next to Xiaojun.

 _“Yup_.” Xiaojun felt ridiculously excited over having Kun choosing him, sitting with him, and now Kun even reached out and started petting his ears.

“ _Great. Did you bathe? Your hair’s super fluffy.”_

_“I did, Taeyong-Ge lent me clothing.”_

_“I noticed. Was it okay? Not uncomfortable?”_

_“No.”_ Looking back… Taeyong really had been so nice. Why was Xiaojun giving him such a hard time?

Ah, right. Because he had made him feel like the silly, uneducated idiot he was. Xiaojun swallowed.

“ _And the sharing of the bathroom? That was fine, too?”_

He remembered Kun asking if that was a problem before when he really didn't see why it should be.

“ _Yeah, sure.”_

Kun nodded, looking satisfied with the answer, and Xiaojun took a small sigh of relief. The whole day of feeling on edge over being with these Hybrids he didn’t know what to think of was worth it, now, that Kun was back and was talking to him, petting him. It almost felt like being friends. It was amazing. This was what Xiaojun wished for so desperately.

“ _We had to see the lawyer. There’s so much paperwork to do, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s important, though. We have to bring those men to justice for their behaviour. If nothing else, breaking in is definitely very much illegal.”_

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose. So, his handler and the others, that had to be the men Kun was talking about. They had been taken in by the police, it added up. They’d be brought to justice for breaking into Taeil’s office? That also made sense, they had done some damage to the equipment that the others had been so busy cleaning up.

_“And Taeil-Ge’s lawyer is sort of scary. Or rather, he looks scary, but he’s actually not, he’s… well… dorky?”_

_“Why did you have to be there?”_ Xiaojun remembered the police hadn’t really asked Ten or Kun many questions. Why should they, if there was a human to give statements? It wasn’t that he was upset Kun had been gone all day, but he was sort of wishing it wouldn’t happen again since it seemed sort of superfluous to make him go to a lawyer when he was just a Hybrid.

“ _It's voluntary because it's only with the lawyer at this point. It's still helpful, he needs as much information to have a good basis for his pleadings later in court. Actually, they might need a statement from you in court, too. It's only maybe, though. It depends on how it goes, how much the judge will accept the whole arguments that focus on… well, things that go beyond them breaking in. That's obviously against the law, the whole Hybrid abuse is a bit more fickle."_

Xiaojun nodded, pretending like he knew what other things Kun was referring to. He didn’t, but it probably didn’t matter. Why on earth would a judge listen to a Hybrid? It seemed to not occur to Kun how ridiculous an idea that was, and Xiaojun really didn’t want to offend him.

“ _What did you do, other than bathing?”_

 _“Uh… I drew?”_ Xiaojun felt like in comparison it was really lame, but Kun beamed encouragingly.

“ _Do you enjoy that?”_

Xiaojun nodded. It wasn’t his favourite thing to do, but it was quite fun and it had been something productive to do.

"Dinner's ready!" Doyoung called from the kitchen, and unfortunately, that ended the cuddling-session.

 

The dishes tasted good, again, Xiaojun didn’t dislike any food. He hadn’t apologised to Jeno yet, but seeing how the dog completely avoided him, he started to want to. It usually felt good when others feared him, but… today it didn’t. Xiaojun didn’t know why, maybe it was just how everyone was talking so amicably while he sat off on the side next to Kun, not able to chip in.

Ten had stayed away. Apparently, there was another house he was welcome at, more friends he had to see. Xiaojun was jealous of that.

He didn’t belong, he didn’t fit in. Kun had said they all didn’t fit in, either. Maybe they hadn’t somewhere else, but they fit in here.

Xiaojun didn’t.

He knew it was his own choice to stay away from everyone, but he couldn't help it! No one, but Kun and Ten, seemed trustworthy. He was so scared to get hurt after that had happened to many times. He wanted to make friends. The skills to do that… they were gone, broken. Like his body, like his personality. It hurt to see that, but he realised that was what had happened.

His dream of having friends… it probably wouldn't come true anyway, and there was no one but himself to blame. He knew scratching Jeno had been wrong since he hadn't known his boundaries yet.

It felt like apologising would patch a bit of that up, what he had fucked up. Then again, would it help? Would Jeno forgive him? Xiaojun surely wouldn’t forgive himself.

Had anyone ever apologised to him and meant it?

Well, Taeil had. Had he meant that? It was hard to say because he'd have to trust Taeil to think he had been genuine. Trusting someone without any proof, though? That was terrifying, it was setting himself up for hurt.

Xiaojun couldn’t do that. So, no, he wouldn’t forgive himself. Why even apologise?

Why even bother with any of this?

“Guys, we’re still stuck on the question of the bed-distribution!” Taeyong spoke up, and Xiaojun looked up in confusion to find multiple eyes on him.

“The floor is okay.” Xiaojun softly supplied. He really didn’t mind. A bed was nice, sure, but really, he could sleep anywhere.

“Absolutely not!” Taeil furiously shook his head “No one will be made sleep on the floor here.”

Oh, so the floor was wrong then? He shouldn't have said that. He hadn't remembered to reflect what the question had carried and immediately made a mistake. Xiaojun made himself appear smaller and glanced around.

“I’ll take the sofa, you can sleep in my bed!” the human suggested.

Xiaojun’s stomach dropped. So, that had been what was behind it.

"No, Hyung, that's a bad idea!" Sicheng cut in immediately. Xiaojun was relieved, thankful because he would have had to talk back and set himself up for punishment.

The offer might sound nice at first, but there was absolutely no way to agree to that for him. Not only because it was imposing to have a human sleep on the sofa and take his bed, but mainly because the suggestion alone sounded like a set up for him to actually end up in the same bed as Xiaojun. Then, he could do whatever he probably kept all these Hybrids for in the first place, what Xiaojun had already assumed he was here for, too.

He knew he had offered services yesterday, but he didn’t want to anymore. Not like it’d matter whether he wanted or not. If he was made to, he’d definitely just jump from the window.

"Maybe Kun-Hyung and I could switch?" Jaehyun suggested.

“Do you mind sharing a bed?” Kun asked.

“I don’t care.” Xiaojun softly replied.

Kun took a deep breath and smiled, but Sicheng leaned over the table where he was sitting, clearly not satisfied with the answer.

“ _If you don’t care, we don’t have your consent. We won’t do anything without it.”_

“ _Sicheng, don’t be so strict. I’m sure we can figure something out.”_

_“No, we absolutely cannot do anything without his word. Xiaojun, you need to tell us, no matter how difficult it seems, how you really feel about the things we ask you.”_

Xiaojun swallowed. His consent, right, Sicheng had talked about that before, and how awful it was to do anything without that. It seemed like his answer that worked for Kun wouldn’t for Sicheng, this was already the second time he hadn’t let him get through with it. Still. Him having to give consent sounded like some wild dystopia, where humans actually cared.

 _“Why do you even bother, let him sleep on the floor if he doesn’t care._ ” Guanheng snarled.

“ _No one deserves to sleep on the floor unless they really want to.”_

“ _He deserves it for being so mean.”_

 **“Not all of us are ass-kissers.”** Xiaojun snarled. He would take the floor, no questions asked, if anyone BUT Guanheng suggested it. Guanheng was specifically targeting him to ridicule, and he wouldn’t take it.

“ **Sorry I was brought up to have manners and basic decency towards other people.** ”

“ **Want me to help to look for your spine?** ”

“ **How can you even be such a terrible person?** ” Guanheng spat, voice raised.

Xiaojun froze in his place.

Terrible person.

He was a terrible person.

Maybe that was the reason why he was always alone? No one wanted to be friends with him because he just didn’t deserve it, terrible people didn’t deserve friends.

He felt tears sting in his eyes. He didn’t want to take it, but he didn’t know how to come back from that.

He was just a terrible person, awful, really.

He had come here, thinking he could make friends, but he had scratched Jeno, had gone around telling people not to touch him, he felt entitled to not servicing the human.

He had been asked his opinion, but he had actually thought he was allowed to have one. When, in reality, he was just a Hybrid, a cat at that. Of course, he wasn’t allowed to speak his mind! He should have made himself fit in, whether he wanted to or not. He hadn’t, though. Worse. He still didn’t want to.

He was a terrible person, a failure as a Hybrid.

Without manners, without a good personality, and without beauty, he deserved nothing but death. It was all there was for him.

“ **I fucking hate you.** ” Xiaojun bit back, but it didn’t come out how he’d have liked it to, sounding pathetic and weak instead. Guanheng had just shown up nothing but the truth, a truth Xiaojun hated having to face.

“ **Great, makes two of us. Stay away from Kun-Go!** ”

Xiaojun jumped off his chair.

He was right. How dare he take all this niceness from Kun? He didn’t deserve it, at all. He would never have friends!

Tears were obscuring his vision as Xiaojun ran from the living room, the direction he remembered the front door to have been.

It'd be best to just end it all now. Just not facing any of this, facing how terrible a person he was, how broken and unfixable. He was so tired of it all, his dream was unachievable, it was useless to bother with the endless suffering that daily life was.

The lock beeped and the door flew open when Xiaojun ripped on the handle.

It didn’t matter, no one was losing money here, he wasn’t worth a penny anymore. No one would miss him, he was alone, he had been for years. Maybe for all his life, had he ever really had friends? Maybe the other cats with his breeder had just been stuck with him and no way out.

The stairs came into sight, right in front of him. Xiaojun slammed into the hand-rail, grabbing it. He stared down. Without the lights on he couldn’t even see the ground.

That would be it. The last time it hadn’t worked. Today, it would, for sure.

It’d finally be over.

Too bad Ten and Kun sticking up for him to save him from his handlers had been in vain. Then again, after realising what an awful person he really was, they were most likely regretting it and happy to get rid of him.

Without looking back, Xiaojun pushed himself up and over the metal bar of the handrail.

Easy.

He felt his hands tremble where he was holding on. Did he really want this? It’d be final.

The words of Yixing echoed in his head. Maybe… maybe he should give it another try?

No. He shouldn’t let that human get into his head. It was too late. Neither did he deserve any of their attention, nor was there any way to fix him.

He was fucked up, used, broken, good for nothing.

So, he pushed himself off and let go.

He expected to feel the fall, the last rush before it ended.

But he didn’t.

Instead, he felt someone grab his arm and hold on tight.

“Got him!”

For a second, surprise was all he could feel. It cancelled out the misery and self-loathing.

Just as quickly as it had come, it went, leaving him feeling anger over why the decision and control over his life had been taken from him yet again.

Or was it another chance? A sign, that the decision had been wrong, that his wavering in it had been right? Because someone would want him here, would save his life because… they cared?

Xiaojun didn’t dare look up. He stared down into the dark emptiness under him. If he struggled, the grip wouldn’t be enough to hold onto him.

A tear dropped from his chin and fell down, so far, he couldn’t hear the splash of it hitting the floor.

Why… why? Why wasn’t he falling? Who would bother catching him? He wasn’t worth it, he didn’t deserve it.

“Xiaojun, please hold on, come on, please.”

Please?

He looked up. Bent over the handrail to catch him, holding on but visibly straining, was Yuta, his hair falling into his face, the knuckles on his other hand turning white from holding on so tightly.

Yuta had caught him?

“Why?” Xiaojun asked, his voice coming out as nothing but a sob.

“There’s too much to live for to die.”

“No!”

"Yes, yes there is. There are the beautiful sunrises over Seoul, there are the Christmas decorations that light up the nights, there are the cookies Taeyong makes, or just the Christmas carols everyone keeps singing."

“I don’t even know any Christmas carols.” Xiaojun felt embarrassment over his stupidity choke him up.

"Then let us show you! If you haven't ever experienced that, it's too early for you to leave."

Next to Yuta, Doyoung and Taeil now leaned over the handrail, trying to bend down far enough to grab him, but Xiaojun was out of reach for them.

They’d show him?

They didn’t hate him, weren’t fed up?

He still had things to experience, had people who'd help him do that?

He wasn’t alone?

Yuta had just proved it, was proving it by holding onto Xiaojun. If he didn’t care, he could have just let Xiaojun fall. He hadn’t.

What if Taeil wanted to use him…

But what for even? There was nothing Taeil could gain from him he couldn’t get a better version of from the other Hybrids.

"Please, Xiaojun," Taeil begged.

“I don’t want to service anyone anymore!” Xiaojun sobbed, “I don’t want any of that. Just leave me alone!”

“I promise you, you won’t have to. Please, Xiaojun, I have nothing but my word. I would give you the world if it’d make you believe me, but I can only give you my honest promise. I want to give you freedom, as good as I can, I swear it on my life. Please let me!”

There was no reason not to believe him. No reason other than it sounded like a dream, a lie.

Would anyone go this far for a lie though?

Xiaojun slowly closed his fingers around Yuta's wrist until the grip was tight. The second it was, Xiaojun felt himself get pulled up. Hands grabbed him and helped until he was hauled over the guard and back on solid ground.

“ _Oh my god, Xiaojun_.” Kun fell to his knees, while everyone else stepped away and let go.

Right. His boundaries.

They respected them, still.

Why? How? Xiaojun tried to understand, but his brain was unable to compute that they’d really do what they had said.

He just had to… believe it.

 

The rest of the evening was a blur.

He remembered drinking a lot of water upon Kun insisting.

The second he had laid down on the bed he apparently shared with Kun, he had fallen asleep, completely exhausted and confused.

 

 

Xiaojun woke up to a quiet room. The bed was empty where he remembered Kun had laid last night and he quickly opened his eyes and sat up, looking around the room in confusion.

“Good morning.” Doyoung looked up from a book he had been reading.

Xiaojun dove back down under the blanket. He wasn’t sure how to behave after yesterday. One couldn’t possibly get more annoying than that, right?

 “You’re a little late for breakfast, but Taeyong will make an exception for you.”

“I’m not hungry.” Xiaojun hurried to announce, still hidden under the blanket.

“In that case, just drink something.”

“I don’t need to.”

“As a matter of fact, you need about 1,5 to 2 litres of water a day, a lot of it in the morning when you weren’t able to drink for hours. It helps you be healthy.”

Xiaojun wanted to say that he didn’t want to be healthy, but then he remembered Christmas carols and Yuta holding onto him and telling him it was too early to leave. Kun telling him he was smart. Ten rubbing his ears.

Taeil’s promise.

They wanted him to be here. So, he needed to be healthy.

“kay.”

Xiaojun made his way out from under the blankets and stood up, not daring to look at Doyoung.

"There's fried pork and vegetables for lunch today, Taeil-Hyung will be in the first hearing in the afternoon, which Kun and Ten have to go to, too. Jeno and I will go to the park to meet Jaemin later. I'd offer you tag alone but you aren't registered, so you, unfortunately, can't exactly walk around. Maybe in the future, when everything is sorted out."

Right, no registration meant no collar, no collar meant police could pick him up and drop at any shop to be sold.

"I don't think any place would still sell me," Xiaojun whispered. There was a discolouration around his wrist, where Yuta had held on. This one, in particular, wouldn't last, but so many other marks on his body were forever.

"Honestly, no. They're obsessed with pure breeds, innocence, perfect health, and these damn red passports. It's sick and disgusting if you ask me."

“Sick?” Xiaojun looked up in surprise.

“What I mean is, the system needs to be taken down. We’re working on that.”

“You’re working on that?” Was taking down systems a popular hobby? Xiaojun had never heard of that. Cooking, reading, listening to music, sure. Revolution? It sounded a little extreme…

“Yes, Hybrid rights, equal rights for humans and Hybrids, we’re pushing for that. It’s still far off, but we’re taking baby steps the right direction.”

Equal rights for Hybrids and humans.

Xiaojun tried to wrap his mind around that.

They had arrived in the kitchen, where Taeyong and Jeno were working. Xiaojun didn’t dare step in. He still hadn’t apologised and he wasn’t sure what to say in his own defence.

Doyoung went ahead, slipping next to Taeyong, who turned and found Xiaojun in the door.

"Good morning, sleepyhead." He smiled, not looking like there was anything out of the ordinary whatsoever. "We have soup or cereal for breakfast, which do you prefer?"

Xiaojun stiffened. The doubts over whether he was actually entitled to his own opinion came back up. Taeyong looked expectantly, though, and really this wasn’t a major decision anyway. It’d be fine. Taeil had said something about freedom.

 “S-soup.”

“Alright, I’ll warm it up for you, you can help yourself to some rice and drinks. We have orange juice, the fresh type. There’s a bit of sugar in it, but mainly it has lots of vitamins, which are good for you.”

Xiaojun wasn’t sure what Vitamins were, but he liked juice. Slowly, he shuffled into the kitchen. Jeno looked up from where he was chopping vegetables. His hand came up to his neck, where the plaster showed the damage Xiaojun had done.

He swallowed and stopped.

“Sorry. For that.” Shaking his head, he tried again, “I’m sorry for scratching and hurting you.”

Jeno blinked, his hand dropped, and he stood open, defenceless. Xiaojun didn’t understand why he did that. It was dangerous for himself! Clearly, Xiaojun had hurt him before. The smart thing to do was now to always get into defence mode and no longer trust him.

Jeno’s body language was the exact opposite – open, welcoming. Trusting.

“Thank you. Sicheng-Hyung explained you didn’t like being touched, just like him, or different. But the same system. Anyway, it’s fine! I’m sorry, too, for scaring you.”

Xiaojun eyed him. He wouldn’t be lying, right? He was honest, right? Jeno was apologising for scaring him. He had been scared, there was no denying that. He wouldn’t have expected an apology for that, but it felt good to get one. Just how it felt good to apologise for what he now felt guilty over. He saw his mistake and wanted to make up for it. Jeno, apparently, felt the same, and Xiaojun didn’t want any hard feelings. He could forgive him, he hadn’t done it on purpose.

He nodded and Jeno broke into a smile.

“So, we can be friends then?”

“Friends?”

“Yeah! We’re all friends here! You can’t have enough of them, the more friends, the more people for tummy rubs! And it’s not lonely when you have friends! I hate being lonely, it’s the worst. So, we should be friends!”

Xiaojun felt his hackles rise. How should it be so easy? Jeno was missing so many things here, you couldn’t just go and become friends, trust them, without knowing them!

“I…I don’t know…”

“Oh. You don’t want to be friends?” Jeno asked, face turning into a pout.

“You can’t just decide to be friends!”

“Yes, you can. If both want to be, why not?”

“Because how can I know you really want to. Maybe you’ll just use that to get yourself ahead and throw me under the bus the next chance you get.”

Jeno shook his head, looking scandalised, “No, that’s terrible, that’s not how being friends works! I wouldn’t do that.”

"Well, of course, you would say that to make me trust you."

Jeno huffed and crossed his arms "Okay, well, I don't know about your old friends, but clearly: they sucked! I'll show you what a real friend does, even if you don't believe me. You'll see, you'll want to become friends with me really quickly because having friends is awesome. Do you like tummy rubs?"

Xiaojun swallowed. It surely was awesome. He wanted to have friends, so, so much…

“I… I do.”

“Perfect. Ear scratches?”

“Y-yeah.”

“We’ll have to do lots of both of those! Then… right, we’ll have to gossip over Taeil-Hyung and Jungwoo-Hyung and watch the lame dramas everyone always watches. Yes. And… hm. I’ll have to figure it out. I’ll so make you want to become friends.” Jeno nodded eagerly. “Hyung, I have to go and ask the others how to make friends, it’s urgent, I’m sorry, I can’t help cooking!”

And with those words, Jeno bounced from the kitchen.

Xiaojun looked after him in utter confusion.

“Jeno, that’s not how chores work! Young man, come back here.” Taeyong hollered, but Jeno was gone.

“I’ll do it instead.” Doyoung offered and picked the big kitchen knife up.

Taeyong sighed and turned to Xiaojun.

"That was really nice of you. I'm happy you patched things up. Just remember to tell Jeno when you don't want him touching you, okay? He'll probably try since you told him you liked tummy rubs and ear scratching."

Xiaojun nodded. Ear scratches could actually be nice, though…

“Here’s the rice bowls, cutlery is here, help yourself.” Taeyong encouraged.

 

Xiaojun slowly ate his soup, while Taeyong and Doyoung prepared lunch. They bickered about how to cut the carrots and Xiaojun just watched silently while munching on the rice. Were people who were dating always getting into arguments over carrots? Was that required?

From what he had concluded, Doyoung and Taeyong were sort of doing the thing that mum and dads had done in the cartoons he used to watch growing up. Those mum and dads would usually take care of the children, make sure they were happy, and they loved each other. It was probably comparable, right?

It felt peaceful. He liked this. No one wanted anything from him, or asked questions, or made him do stuff. It was similar to yesterday, before things had gone downhill, but without quite as many constant background worries. He hadn’t had this in a long time and he wished he could spend every day from now on like this. Maybe do some chores, maybe learn some things…

Xiaojun just wasn’t sure if that’d be an option. He’d need Taeil to tell him what his new role was. What exactly he had to do. He had always secretly wished for freedom, but it hadn’t seemed like an option. Now that he apparently had it, he suddenly wasn’t sure how freedom even worked…

What he knew was, that he wanted to stay, he didn’t want to go anywhere else, at least not anywhere else on this earth. Yuta had said it was too early to die, so he wanted to stay here.

Taeil had offered him. Would it be okay to accept that?

It would, right? Taeil had promised him. Promises had rarely been held, but none of them had felt as real as Taeil’s. He had told himself not to be a fool and get himself hurt again. Was there enough proof to break this resolution?

Could he dare and hope? Was trusting them really safe?

The rice and soup were long gone, and Xiaojun was staring into nothingness, thinking, when he was interrupted.

“Xiaojun, I got you some towels for you, and we also picked out some clothes that will be yours for now, just until we figure things out, okay?” Taeyong said, turning his attention back to reality.

“Okay.”

“I’ll show you!”

“Okay.” Xiaojun nodded and stood up. He remembered that he’d now have household chores again and quickly picked up his dirty dishes.

"You can leave those for later, just put them in the sink," Taeyong instructed, and Xiaojun did as asked, glad to not have the confrontation with running water.

 

Taeyong led him into the room that they had been in yesterday, the one he and Doyoung shared. Xiaojun lingered in the door, not wanting to step into off-limits territory without explicitly being allowed. Kun had said this one was private, he remembered that. Being allowed in once wasn’t an automatic pass for every next opportunity that presented itself.

“Come in, come in.” Taeyong waved, and only now did Xiaojun follow. The older happily hummed under his breath and opened the big closet’s doors. The inside looked still extremely tidy, but the rainbow-assortment was broken up. Someone had rearranged it!

“We’re really running low on space in this flat, so for now, your stuff will have to stay in this closet. Just knock and wait for an answer before you come inside, okay?” Taeyong’s cheeks turned pink.

Xiaojun guessed it had to do with the thing Kun had tried to ask him about, the sex. Apparently, they all didn’t really talk about it, so, he didn’t inquire further, not wanting to stick out uncomfortably more than he already did. It was still weird, to think that two Hybrids would do that together, without anyone forcing them. How Taeil approved of that, Xiaojun wasn’t sure. But it wasn’t his place to point that out.

Or maybe was this part of freedom?

"Alright, so these are your towels, just hang them on the hook on the door in your room." Taeyong pushed a stack of four towels into his arms. They were deep petrol and Xiaojun carefully ran his hands over them. He had never before felt towels this fluffy, even the soft one from yesterday hadn't been like this! They were thick, too, and probably big, he might be able to completely wrap himself up in them.

Mesmerised, he kept petting them back and forth, not realising that Taeyong was watching him with a sad expression until several moments later.

“S-sorry. I didn’t…” Xiaojun immediately dropped his hand off the towel and stood straighter.

“It’s okay, they’re really nice, right? We got them from Yukhei, who no longer wanted them. We each have our own colour, so we don’t get anything mixed up. Yukhei only buys the most expensive things, he probably hardly used them, too, they’re almost new.”

Expensive? For him?

“Maybe… maybe someone else should have them? Someone…” better, more deserving of them.

“We all already have our own, don’t worry, these are specifically for you.”

Xiaojun stared at Taeyong, but he didn’t seem to be lying – and why would he, it was just towels. Well, no, it wasn’t, at least to Xiaojun it wasn’t just towels.

He felt tears collect in his eyes and tried to blink them away, but he couldn’t. Quickly, he pulled his sleeve over his hand and dabbed it over his eyes. He had always cried a lot, but these last days it felt like his body was doing nothing but produce tears. These weren’t the normal type, though. These were special tears, rare ones.

Happy tears.

“Do you not like them?” Taeyong carefully asked.

“No!” Xiaojun immediately pulled them against his body, worried he’d take them away from him. “I… I really like them a lot, I… sorry.” Xiaojun hid behind the tower of towels.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m glad you like them, that’s wonderful! You didn’t have many nice things recently, right?”

Xiaojun glanced over the towels. Kun had said they all hadn’t fit in where they had come from. His eyes caught on the cut in Taeyong’s ear again. Maybe, he understood better than Xiaojun expected him to…

“No, I didn’t.”

“Well, I hope you’ll stay with us, then you hopefully can have more nice things, okay?” Taeyong smiled encouragingly.

"Okay." Xiaojun nuzzled his face against the soft fabric. Taeyong reached out, but before Xiaojun could even react by hissing or snapping, he already remembered and dropped his hand with a huff.

"Sorry. I just had the reflex to pet you. I promise I remember, I won't." He swung his hand by him like he felt frustrated.

“Just the ears!” Xiaojun muttered.

“What?”

“Pet just the ears.” And, like an afterthought, he remembered “Please.”

Taeyong made a weird noise and immediately started ruffling the hair around Xiaojun’s ears, scratching the base and running his fingers over them.

“Thank you.” Taeyong sounded a little choked up, but Xiaojun wasn’t sure why. So, he just held still as Taeyong kept petting him. It felt nice, so nice he had to swallow down another purr.

 

After completely mussing up his hair and re-flattening it after, Taeyong showed him which shelf they had designated to him, and the clothes that were his for now. There were fluffy hoodies among them, socks with animals, soft sweats, anything he could dream of. Apparently, they were loans from everyone around his size in the house.

Xiaojun didn’t know what to do.

“I know it’s not much, but we’ll figure out how to make things work, we always do.” Taeyong beamed.

Not much?

That they’d go the extra mile to give him their own, let him have it because he didn’t have anything – it was just baffling.

“It’s… it’s really more than enough.”

Just… why?

There was nothing that Xiaojun had to offer.

 

Taeyong explained the bathroom, so he could use it as he wanted. That wouldn’t happen, because Xiaojun didn’t dare turn on the water. They hung up the towels in the room he had stayed in last night, that apparently was going to be his for how. Before he was finished, he added what seemed like the hook.

“Xiaojun, we have one very important thing to ask of you. I might sound weird, but we don’t want you to be alone, at any time.”

He furrowed his brows. It was an odd wish.

“Why?” he softly asked.

"Let's sit down for a second, okay?" Taeyong walked over and pushed himself up to sit on the dresser, and Xiaojun followed his example. He felt a bit uneasy, and his tail kept moving in anxiousness behind him. There was limited control over tail and ears, they'd just mirror certain emotions, just how instincts would give you impulses on how to react.

“Yesterday, when you… when you tried to jump down the staircase, that wasn’t just by chance, was it? You said several times you didn’t want to live.”

Xiaojun had, there was no reason to deny it, but he suddenly felt ashamed of that. They all were so nice to him, it felt disrespectful of their efforts to say he didn’t want to live, didn’t care about what they did for him.

It wasn’t even the truth. He was incredibly thankful, to the point he didn’t know how to put it into words. The chance that he could have friends made dying obsolete.

He pressed a finger into the bruise on his arm but stopped when it hurt.

Only, what if?

He didn’t want to give up this control he had. He needed to know he could make that decision, whenever he wanted to.

“We take that very seriously, especially after yesterday. We want to ensure your health and safety. I… I know we barely know each other, but… we want to give you a home, we want to show you there’s still so much life has to offer. To be able to do that, we need you to stay with us, and not… follow through and kill yourself.” Taeyong’s voice was a bit choked up again. Xiaojun tried to understand why Taeyong, who was next to a perfect stranger, as he had just pointed out himself, would be so affected.

“Until you no longer toy with that idea, and I know you still are, we have to keep an eye on you, for your own safety. Do you understand that?”

Xiaojun felt a bit like he was caught red-handed.

"Why do you even care so much? I… don't really understand why everyone is so nice." Maybe Xiaojun could get an insight into what their underlying motives were.

“You can just be nice for the sake of niceness.”

“But you don’t gain anything from that.”

“Yes, you do.” Xiaojun perked up. There was a reason after all! “You get to feel good about your actions, you get to feel like you did the right thing, and you get niceness in return – most of the time.”

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose. “I’ve never heard of that.”

“Now you have. Isn’t that a much more positive approach to life to try?”

It was. Only, was there reason to be positive in life?

“So, is that okay with you?”

“Yes.” Xiaojun nodded. It was a basic rule, probably from Taeil, relayed through Taeyong. Of course, he would follow it!

"Okay, pinkie promise?" Taeyong held out his hand, his smallest finger sticking out. Xiaojun stared at it, then at Taeyong. Was this another mockery? Or maybe it was a Korean custom, then he couldn't know it, but what if Taeyong was making fun of him again? He felt his ears flatten, and a snappy remark built on his tongue.

“Just hook your finger against mine, and that means you cannot break the promise.” Taeyong had read his hesitation and cut in before Xiaojun could go ahead and get himself into trouble. He felt relief over getting an explanation, but even more over not having lashed out.

So, was it just a regular promise? Or did this mean there was more behind it, more possible consequences?

“What happens if you break it?” Xiaojun asked, not quite comfortable with the thought of accidentally agreeing to anything without really knowing what it might entail.

“I’ll be very sad, of course.”

Xiaojun eyed him. “That’s not very smart. You’re setting yourself up to get sad then. You shouldn’t do that.”

“Do you want to break the promise to make me sad?” Taeyong asked, his eyes more serious again.

“No!” Xiaojun didn’t want to make anyone sad, he didn’t want to be a terrible person. He probably was, but he didn’t want to be.

“Well, see? I’m not setting myself up to get hurt, because I know I can trust you not to make me sad.”

“But why offer it then if you think I’ll not do it?”

“There’s a difference between saying you won’t do it and pinkie promising you won’t do it. If we pinkie promise, you will think of me and know just how sad I’d be if you broke your word, and you will have more reason to no do that.”

So, Taeyong would be sad, because he was nice for niceness’ sake.

He was right. Knowing that Taeyong would be sad did make it even more important to Xiaojun to follow the order to not be alone.

Wasn’t this… almost… like a step towards being… friends?

Carefully, he hooked his pinkie around Taeyong’s, who squeezed it a little. “Promise to make sure you’re always with someone?”

“I promise!” Xiaojun nodded eagerly.

Taeyong released his finger and Xiaojun eyed his hand for a second, sort of expecting to see something from the promise he had given. There was nothing, of course. Only the dark bruise.

“By the way, if you want to go somewhere, you can absolutely ask anybody to accompany you. Unless we’re really busy, I know no one would turn you down.”

Taeyong hopped from the dresser elegantly, and Xiaojun tried to follow his example to the best of his abilities.

“I will.”

So, the rule was to always be with someone, but it didn’t matter who else it was, everyone in the house was okay. It wasn’t a problem. A little weird, but Xiaojun knew how to deal with orders, he knew how to follow them.

 

By the time they returned to the living room, most of the others were back from finishing to clean up downstairs. Taeil was on the table with Kun, Jaehyun, and Yuta, obviously discussing more matter involving the office, “No doubt, we’ll be overrun when we open tomorrow, but we’ll have to face a wave of patients anyway, the longer we’re pushing it ahead the worse it’ll get. And Donghyuck needs his check-up tomorrow.”

It sounded somewhat dangerous. A wave of patients? Would they crush them?

“Did you figure everything out?” Taeil interrupted himself and looked at Taeyong and Xiaojun expectantly, however, Taeyong was already on his way back to finish lunch. Taeil’s eyes were on Xiaojun.

He swallowed, panic rising in his chest. “Y-yes?”

They had figured things out.

"Of course, Hyung, it'll all work out perfectly fine, maybe another trip to Ikea and we'll be good to go," Taeyong assured.

“Wonderful.” Taeil smiled. Kun pulled the chair from next to himself and gestured for Xiaojun to sit down. He didn’t hesitate to follow the invitation and Kun immediately started petting his head and neck. “For now, it’s very important to me that I know you’re safe at all times. That’s why I ask you to stick to the buddy system. I know it contradicts my promise about freedom, but you can choose anyone in the house. Your safety is the most important now, your health is irreplaceable, the most valuable thing you have.”

That wasn’t what Xiaojun had learnt! His looks were… He didn’t want to point the mistake out though.

Or maybe, it wasn’t a mistake?

"To ensure that health, there are actually more things to do. You remember Yixing, don't you?"

Xiaojun couldn’t hold the hiss and pulled out from under Kun’s hand.

“I see, you do. Yixing’s a psychiatrist, meaning he’s responsible for mental health. It’s just as important as a healthy body, so I believe it’s important for you to keep seeing him. Okay?”

“He’s fucking awful. I hate him.” Xiaojun snarled. Taeil’s eyes widened in surprise.

“Why?”

“He gets into my head. It’s none of his fucking business.”

Taeil looked utterly baffled and threw the Hybrids confused looks.

“ _You were thinking about killing yourself for longer, weren’t you?_ ” Kun softly asked. Again, Xiaojun felt like caught in the act. He tried to avoid the answer, but it was obvious Kun was right. “ _That’s burdening, isn’t it? To keep having such sad thoughts.”_

Xiaojun wasn’t sure if he had sad thoughts. They always seemed rather normal to himself…

“ _Yixing can help you with that. He can help you to realise there’s so much to live for. We want to do that, too, but he can do it in ways we can’t.”_

Friends! He wanted to live to have friends! He didn’t need Yixing for that, he didn’t need anyone to look into his head. The way Kun said it, there was a clear connection though. Next to always staying with someone, this seemed to be the hook.

“If… If I go, see him… does that mean I could… stay?” Xiaojun hardly dared say the last word.

“Stay? You… as in… would you like that?” Taeil stuttered.

“If I can’t it’s okay, I’m sorry.” Xiaojun sunk deeper into his chair, trying to disappear from sight. He had probably jumped to conclusions here. Again. How embarrassing!

"Of course, you can, I-I wasn't expecting you to want to. I'd love to have you join us if that's what you want."

Xiaojun wanted to. He had made up his mind about that. Here, where people he could become friends with, was, where he wanted to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope I didn't loose too many readers bc of this chapter ;;;  
> I swear it lightens up a bit after this. rn I'm nearing 70k (unedited), so my initial assumption this might be another 100k might be right...
> 
>  
> 
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, there were so many comments last chapter, I was stunned, thank you TT TT
> 
> I didn’t even post any pretty [Xiaojun](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D8na1vqUIAEo-Bk.jpg) last chapter, despite the angst I put you through. It shall not happen again. By [Eight&Eight](https://twitter.com/EightnEight_)
> 
> [ plsbemystar](https://archiveofourown.org/users/plsbemystar/pseuds/plsbemystar) drew a picture of [Yuta](https://twitter.com/plsbemystar/status/1143620251906654208). Thank you so much <3

Ten returned just in time for lunch and took Xiaojun’s other side on the table. He still wasn’t able to chime in, but it felt a little less disconnected with someone on each side.

In turn of gaining Ten, Guanheng was missing from the table, leaving no one to glare at him. He wasn’t sure where he had gone and why, but he didn’t dare to ask. His understanding of the issue and regret over what had happened, how it had happened with Jeno, didn’t apply for Guanheng. Especially after yesterday, his feelings towards the other cat hadn’t improved.

The other person he still held negative feelings for was Jaehyun. Just thinking about the plaster changes made Xiaojun want to lash out, he didn’t think he could find it in himself to genuinely apologise. He couldn’t trust him, he didn’t want to be friends.

No one pressured him to. Jaehyun wasn’t avoiding him, not how Jeno had, but he also didn’t approach him. For now, Xiaojun postponed finding a solution and instead relished in Kun putting foods on his plate he ‘needed to try’, and Ten occasionally running a hand over his arm, when he reached for a dish.

It was more than enough at the moment.

 

Xiaojun helped clean up again, and it felt good to do something useful. The second Doyoung turned on the water, he fled the kitchen.

The sofas were free, and Xiaojun opted for sitting down and maybe taking a tiny nap.

“So, about the becoming friends thing.”

He startled and jerked around, blindly hitting whoever had suddenly popped up behind him.

Jeno yelped and held his arm. Luckily, the fabric of his sweater had taken most of the scratch, but Xiaojun felt mortified.

“I-I-I” he stuttered, holding his hands close to his body so he couldn’t do more harm. Dumb reflexes! Dumb brain! He couldn’t keep hitting people, he’d get punished and into trouble, more importantly, he’d drift further away from his goal of finding friends.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t want to scare you again! I was trying to become friends, and now I did it again, I’m sorry!” Jeno threw himself on the sofa, bowing his head in quick succession.

“No, I am! Sorry!” Xiaojun squeaked.

“Oh, don’t worry, I hardly felt that. Jaemin hits way harder than you.” Jeno straightened up and grinned. Xiaojun wasn’t sure who Jaemin was, but he sounded scary.

“Now, as I was saying, about becoming friends. I have done my research and came to the conclusion that cuddles are the most important thing, and also talking about your interests.” Jeno scooted closer, and Xiaojun immediately moved away, until the dog realised he was fleeing and halted. “Don’t you like cuddles?”

“I…” Xiaojun looked around, hoping for help, but he didn’t even know who to ask. Ten was downstairs, preparing something with a computer – whatever that was - and Kun was still in the kitchen – with the running water. The only person outside was Jaehyun, who was doing something on a glowing brick. Xiaojun didn’t know what exactly their purpose was, but he had seen them before. The customers had often had these, they could talk to them and see all sorts of things on the glowing side.

“Oh, okay, that’s fine. Sicheng-Hyung also didn’t like cuddles, because he said it was scary.”

Xiaojun hesitated. Had that been what Sicheng had referenced the first day when he hadn't been sure how to interpret his words?

To imagine someone was wise and mature as Sicheng would be scared of cuddling… maybe Xiaojun’s head wasn’t as fucked up as he had feared it was… if Sicheng, too, had been scared…?

“I… I’m not scared.” Xiaojun huffed. It wasn’t the whole truth, he wasn’t scared of cuddling, he was scared of what came after that. Jeno perked up. “I just don’t want to.” Jeno deflated again.

“Well, maybe, uh, what do you enjoy doing in your free time? I really like reading. Doyoung-Hyung always recommends really great books, the type that I can understand, but my reading-skills became way better already. I can handle pretty thick books now. I also like going to the park and meeting friends.”

Xiaojun wasn’t sure he had understood that correctly. It almost sounded like Jeno had learnt how to read… here? But he was so old, 16 if he remembered right. How could that be? Dogs were usually educated quite a bit. Some people bought them to take care of their children. Dogs were smarter than cats and bunnies, his breeder had explained, they could learn things like that. It helped push their value when they knew basic school things to help a child with.

On the other hand, Doyoung was the one recommending them? Clearly, he was a bunny, not worth spending the time on trying to teach when he wouldn't understand anyway.

Then again, Kun had said their abilities were the same of humans, only they were told they weren’t from little on until that became the truth to them. If Doyoung would teach Jeno, that proved those words. Or maybe he was just an exception. That was more likely.

“Uh… Doyoung-Hyung, uh, did he…” Xiaojun wasn’t sure how to phrase it without possibly offending Jeno.

“He’s a tutor at the orphanage, he’s very smart, it’s so cool. He’s my teacher, too. I love learning, it’s the best thing, I’ve always wanted to but my breeder…” Jeno frowned and hesitated for a moment. “Well, she didn’t really care about me. I was never trained for selling, I couldn’t even read properly when I first got here. It’s not too late, though. With dedication and support, anything is possible! I’ve already arrived at decimals in maths!”

“Decimals?”

“Yes, those numbers that have dots in them.”

Xiaojun wasn’t sure he knew what Jeno was talking about. It sounded rather elaborate. Probably too much for a dumb cat like him to ever grasp.

“If you find it interesting, I’m sure Doyoung-Hyung would help you, too! I can ask him for you if you don’t want to!”

“I… don’t think I’m suited for… any of that.” Xiaojun played with the hem of the bright blue sweater from Taeyong. He didn’t have the brain to understand these complex systems.

“Well not with that attitude.” Jeno huffed, then broke into a giggling fit “I’ve always wanted to say that, Ten-Hyung said it so often and it sounds so cool. It sounds cool, right?”

Xiaojun blinked at the hysterically giggling dog that rolled over the sofa now. It took a few minutes for him to calm back down and straighten up.

“Well, the point stands. You have to believe in yourself! Don’t let arrogant humans tell you you’re dumb, I know they do it all the time, but they’re wrong!”

 

Jeno’s words kept echoing in his head all day, while he drew on the sofa, cuddled with Ten, and helped Taeyong folding the laundry.

Ten helped him figure out how the watercolours worked, and Xiaojun casually asked him if he knew maths.

He did know maths, and he found it very fun on top. He didn’t ask if Xiaojun knew any, thankfully. Instead, he suggested adding sparkle to the picture.

The evening was quiet. Once everyone had eaten dinner and the kitchen was clean again, people crowded around the TV. Xiaojun had not watched in years, so the prospect seemed exciting. TV had only been for when they had behaved extremely well, it had been a reward to be allowed to watch an episode of a cartoon or something else fitted for Hybrids.

There were too many people to fit on the sofas. Not wanting to take anyone’s spot, Xiaojun settled on the floor instead.

Yuta and Sicheng carried over the pillow fortress and built it up in the corner, from where they would be able to see the screen. The pillows moved around the room a lot. Depending on where someone wanted them, they’d be shuffled all over the room.

Earlier, Jaehyun had used the for a nap in the sun, now they were here. The room looked messier because of them, but also more comfortable and inviting. Xiaojun had been brought up to value cleanliness above all, because humans wanted it, and kept themselves Hybrids to clean up. If it was the purpose he was bought and paid for, it’d better be something engraved in his head.

Taeil didn’t seem too set on having everything in perfect order, the only one really pressing for it was Taeyong, sometimes Doyoung, from Xiaojun’s observations so far. He had to admit, he preferred this comfortable mess.

“You can sit here, Xiaojun! It’s much more comfortable!”  Yuta patted the free pillows next to where he and Sicheng were.

He hesitated. He hadn’t liked nor trusted Yuta until yesterday, but now… well, what he had done was enough to prove he was trustworthy, right? It’d be okay think of him as highly as of the cats. He wouldn’t get hurt.

Relief over the realisation spread in his chest, and Xiaojun hurried over to flop on the pillows.

He missed Yuta's triumphant smile because the commercial break ended, and the actual show started on the TV.

 

The story was confusing. Xiaojun had never before seen a show with actual actors on it. Their breeder hadn’t thought it was appropriate for them. Taeil seemed fine with them watching, obviously, so it should be fine.

All of them were humans, of course. Maybe it would have been less confusing if he had seen the first episode, as this one wasn’t the beginning, but he doubted it’d make it any less puzzling.

There was a female lead, and two male leads. Both the male leads tried in the weirdest ways to get into the female's good graces. So she'd go out with them. Xiaojun wasn't sure where the men wanted to go that they couldn't just go in their own, or why they didn't go together since she didn't want to. It probably made sense if you had more experience in life.

Yuta hadn’t tried to touch him at all, nor had anyone else. Xiaojun had picked one of the pillows from the ground and used it to cuddle until Kun had switched his place from the sofa for next to Xiaojun during the mid-show ad break. From then on, he had curled up against Kun, who was warm and just big enough to make the perfect pillow-fortress-partner.

Overall, it was a good time.

By the time the episode was finished, it was late, and people announced they were going to bed or to shower. The shower sparked a discussion over the bathtub-order between Taeyong, Kun, and Ten.

It made sense, Xiaojun knew the first people would get the warm and clean water, everyone else had to make do with what was left. He could wait his turn. He was the youngest and the newest member, it wasn’t his place to get an early turn.

“Xiaojun should go first.”

Or not?

“Me?” Xiaojun looked around, wondering if Ten’ suggestion had actually been serious.

“Actually, good idea.” Kun nodded.

“Yeah, why not.” Taeyong shrugged. Xiaojun panicked. Was this a test? To see if he was greedy enough to accept such an outrageous offer?

“I don’t, I can go last, it’s no problem.”

“No, it’s really fine.”

“I can run the water for you!” Kun smiled. Xiaojun could trust him, right? It’d okay to accept from Kun, right?

Slowly, he nodded, and everyone started leaving the sofa.

He followed Kun, who accompanied him to his closet, where he chose another super-soft pyjama, and then to the bathroom. The shower was already running, and the sound of water hitting the floor filled the room.

Xiaojun froze in the door.

The noise alone made a cold shiver run down his spine.

 _“It’s only in the shower, it’s behind a door, it won’t hit you_.” Kun softly explained.

Rationally, Xiaojun knew that. It was just an instinct that told him to stay away as far as possible. Generally, his instincts kept him safe, that’s what they were there for.

Kun looked at him expectantly. Xiaojun eyed the shower. It was closed, there was a milky glass door and everything.

With a jump, he entered the room, clinging to his towel and clothing like it’d keep him safe.

“There you go. How warm do you want the water to be? Normal, hotter, colder?”

Xiaojun’s heart was pounding out of his chest. “Uh, maybe you choose, if you go after?”

“Don’t worry, we change the water, so it’s really up to you.”

Did they change the water? That'd drive up the bill and…well, apparently, Taeil would be nice enough to pay for that.

“Warm, please.”

Kun nodded and turned on the tab. More falling water meant even more stress, and Xiaojun tried to back away and become one with the with shelf he was pressed against. It’d be fine, no one was splashing him, it was just water. If he stayed really still here, it’d be fine.

Finally, the shower was turned off and after a little more, his bath was ready.

Just like yesterday, it was heavenly to clean his body, soap up everything and rinse the sweat of the day. The thick, blue towel felt like he wrapped himself in clouds and all the water was easily soaked up. He ruffled the smaller through his hair, over his ears, to dry them off and avoid too much water dripping everywhere. Actually, he had no complaints about just wearing this towel forever, instead of clothing.

He had assumed wrong, Kun wasn’t the next. It was Ten who come inside and adjusted the water temperature to his likings while Xiaojun hurriedly dressed himself to quickly get away, a little sad over having to give up the towel after all. Luckily, Xiaojun could now leave the room with the falling water and…

_“Wait, you need to dry your hair, or you’ll catch a cold.”_

Xiaojun remembered that from yesterday, so he backtracked and hid in the corner while Kun plugged in the blow dryer.

“ _Want me to do it for you?”_

Again, it felt very familiar. Where he had gotten angry with Taeyong, he only felt a little upset now, and mainly over himself, for being dumb and uneducated, rather than over Kun assuming him to be. It was just… Kun was trustworthy, he was different from Taeyong in his head.

“ _I know how it works.”_ He muttered.

“ _Oh, I didn’t doubt that! But isn’t it nicer when someone else does it?”_

Wait. He wasn't suggesting it because he thought Xiaojun was too dumb to do it himself but to do him a favour? Had Taeyong maybe done the same thing?

Guilt washed over him. He should apologise to Taeyong, for being mean. Again. It was a new feeling, to feel guilty so much. He didn’t really like it, but maybe it just came with suddenly being with people that maybe, possibly could become friends at some point?

“ _I don’t know.”_

_“Why don’t you know? If you don’t want me to do it, that’s fine, but I’m not meaning to belittle you.”_

_“No, I… I understood that, but the hairdresser always blew air into my ears.”_

Kun chuckled “ _Oh yes, I remember that! Humans don’t realise how awful that feels. Don’t worry, I’m an expert!”_ he gestured to his own ears. Right.

“ _S-sorry. I’d like to try it then.”_

Xiaojun found himself sitting down, like Taeyong had yesterday, with Kun brushing through his hair.

“ _I’ll use some heat protective. It’s a mist so don’t be surprised.”_ Kun narrated what he was doing. Xiaojun knew heat-protective, from back when he had been little. White hair, like that in his fringe, broke off and got split ends easier than all other types. To avoid having a rowdy and unkempt look, it had been very important. 

The spray smelt of nothing in particular, just like a typical hair care product, and once it was all over his head, Kun started actually drying his hair, keeping the heat and intensity low.

It was nice, not uncomfortable at all. The lingering worry over suddenly getting hit with the brush or a gust of wind right into his ear proved to be irrational within seconds. Now, it just felt like a fancy version of ear petting. A purr scratched in his chest, but he didn’t let it out.

The wind of the blow dryer drowned the sound of falling water out, but Ten deeming his bath ready and turning it off was still a relief. His flight urge ebbed off, leaving him calmer and just enjoying the feeling of Kun brushing through his hair in even patterns.

He stared into nothingness, gaze unfocused, and lethargy taking over. He'd be able to sleep well after this, for sure.

As he felt his eyelids grow heavier, Xiaojun suddenly caught a glimpse of Ten’s back, just before he sunk into the tub and hid it from sight again. He hadn’t meant to, but Ten had happened to be in the line of where he was staring at nothing and it was impossible to miss.

Scars ran over his whole backside, in a clear pattern over both his shoulders, down to his waist and below. The skin had healed so many times, that Xiaojun’s own looked nearly unblemished in comparison.

He swallowed. Just the sight woke the memory of stinging pain that was so easily inflicted with a whip. Xiaojun hadn’t often been disobedient to the point of them using it on him. It was one of the worst punishments, especially when they didn’t stop until it bled. Clearly, they had done that to Ten many times. It looked awful and it was hard to imagine the pain he must have gone through.

That was Xiaojun’s first thought.

But as he considered it, there was so much more to that. Behind the visual aspect was an entirely different story: unwavering spirit and bravery, that would let Ten end up with skin so blemished by punishment. To think that he hadn’t backed down from whatever had gotten him the whipping, but done it again, endured it, made Xiaojun gain even more respect for the older cat.

He knew they had often been punished for not doing awful things that were asked of them, or for trying to deny customers. It was just to keep themselves safe. Xiaojun had always been a good kitten with his breeder, docile and submissive, but there were some things that were just too terrible to accept, making even him fight back – and get punished soon after. Ten clearly had fought hard in trying to have a say in what he had to do and what not. Much harder than Xiaojun, who was so easily intimidated by the thought of more pain, and of more scars ruining his appearance.

The name the handler had called Ten came back to the front of his mind. Frosty. Maybe the reason for that had been that Ten had come from the same place Xiaojun had?

Ultimately, whoever had done this to him, wherever it had happened, it didn’t matter. It showed that… there was a place for Ten here, so… there could really… be a place for Xiaojun, too.

He still had to try very hard to believe that. The more proof he collected, or rather the more proof was presented right in front of him, the easier that became.

 

Xiaojun stood up with Kun the next morning. It was unfortunate that both he and Ten had to leave for work, but Xiaojun would be fine with Taeyong. He wanted to be, he needed to be nicer, to find friends!

Taeyong gave him some chores and he felt very useful. It was a good time until lunch when Taeil interrupted that peacefulness that he had enjoyed:

“Xiaojun, I got your registration, I’m only missing your fingerprints. And I’d like to quickly check on your forehead, okay? I think we can take the plaster off.”

He swallowed. The plaster still hid what was underneath. He could tell himself it wasn’t so bad, it wouldn’t look that terrible. Not that he had looked, but he knew what his face was supposed to look like, he could feel the size of the wound, and putting those two together gave him enough of an idea. If Taeil took it off, that’d be over, he’d have certainty of how terribly obscured he now was, and if he caught his reflection it’d taunt him.

“I promise not to touch you more than absolutely necessary, and taking the fingerprints is really easy.”

“Okay.” Xiaojun wasn’t worried about pressing his fingers on any paper, he had done that plenty before. Not even the prospect of Taeil touching him was all that scary. The problem was elsewhere, he just didn’t know how to express that he was terrified to see what had become of his face, because no one seemed to care.

It was probably because no one else had to worry about their looks. If you weren’t the one dealing with an issue you easily forgot about it.

He wondered if he could ask Ten. After seeing his back, Xiaojun felt like he might be able to relate. Would that be annoying? He didn’t want to annoy Ten. Worse, maybe Ten would be offended if Xiaojun brought up his scars? That was a risk he wasn’t ready to take.

 

Xiaojun found himself in one of the rooms of the office downstairs only half an hour later. It wasn't as sterile and cold as the one he had been living in, and it looked really different now that he didn't want to jump out the window and had time to appreciate the interior design. There was a bit of colour, comfortable chairs for patients, and the big screens on the desk were turned his direction. They looked like small TVs, but there was no film running on it. Instead, it was his name and some information, as well as a very long list of complicated-sounding things.

“As you can see, this is your patient file. Everyone has one. I write anything I notice down here, it’s all your health information.” Taeil explained. “Here are some blanks where we’re still missing things, like your height and weight. Do you think we could measure and weigh you?”

Xiaojun eyed the human carefully. He understood the system a little better, but he needed to still reassure himself, “Do I… get to choose?”

“Yes, you do. It’s not vital information, it’s just nice to have. With your height and weight, I can see if you’re at a healthy ratio for your size, and your weight can be important to dose certain medication, so it’s the right amount for your body.” The explanation was simple and reasonable. Xiaojun appreciated it a lot, and it made choosing easy, too. Nothing about that seemed dangerous.

“Okay. It’s fine.”

“Great. We’ll do that after then. First the not so fun things, then the easy ones, okay? I’ll take off the plaster now.”

Again, Taeil looked at him for confirmation, and Xiaojun hurried to nod.

The human slowly scooted to where Xiaojun was on the chair. All his moves were predictable, and he reached up slowly to where the cut was. He pushed Xiaojun’s hair out of the way and with one quick move, he pulled the plaster off. It stung a little where the glue had stuck to the skin and hair, but he didn’t complain. He had had far worse before, this wasn’t too bad and over quickly.

"That was very good, I'm sure that smarted." Taeil softly commented. "And that healed wonderfully!  I was able to use a surgical strip, so we don't have any additional scarring from stitches. In a few weeks, there's only be a really small line left. Do you want to look for yourself?"

“No!” Xiaojun jerked away. Taeil didn’t follow him, instead picked up the used plaster to throw out.

“You don’t want to see yourself?”

“No.” He shook his head quickly.

“Why?”

Xiaojun felt anger build. How could he ask? Did he want to humiliate him? Make him say the words like it wasn't so clear already?

“Well, isn’t that fucking obvious?”

Taeil glanced up at the scar, and only now seemed to realise. Even more anger bubbled up at that. Xiaojun wanted to yell at him, to let it all out. But he was still a human. He couldn’t!

"It's because you think you lost your worth because you hurt your face, isn't it?" Taeil softly asked. He was still so calm, now he looked almost sad. Why? Why was he like that?

“I know I did.” He remembered Ten’s back, marked with horrific scars, but he pushed it away. Ten’s face was perfect, it didn’t matter, as long as he still had his face there was still some beauty left, some value. Tears of anger burnt in his eyes.

“No, you didn’t. You still have your fighting spirit, your quick wits, your cuddly side, your honesty, and so much more I know is inside that I haven’t seen yet. That’s worth so much more than trying to follow a beauty standard someone else enforced on you, don’t you think?”

Xiaojun had fighting spirit, quick wits, a cuddly side, and honesty? And possibly more?

That didn’t sound like himself. Those were positive traits, they didn’t fit his bad personality! Not to mention, since when was any sort of personality worth more than good looks?

 “I don’t know?” Xiaojun softly answered. No one had ever suggested it could be. It was a new idea.

"To me, it is. To most people, it's more important how you can enrichen their lives than how you look. Not to mention, not all people think the same things are beautiful. It lies in the eye of the beholder, beauty is subjective. Some people might like big eyes, some like small eyes, some like chiselled faces, some like soft faces. Even then, it's all just superficial. If what's inside is what draws you in, the appearance becomes second to that."

Xiaojun listened attentively. Never before had he heard of the concept that people could find different things beautiful. Maybe even scars?

No. That was ridiculous.

“But I-I also don’t have much inside.”

“Is it about education? Because I know it’s just a matter of teaching.”

Xiaojun shrugged “I’m mean. I’m not a good person.” He swallowed, recalling Guanheng’s words. “I don’t deserve friends.”

"Xiaojun, no one deserves to be alone. Not even the worst criminal should be punished to a life in solitude and without the chance to better and redeem themselves, to grow. You might have said things you regret, but that's only human, and anything human will be normal for a Hybrid to do as well because you're so closely related. If you think you're mean, but don't want to be, think about what makes you into this person you don't want to be. Then change it. It's up to you. If you think you did a person wrong, apologise and change your behaviour, show them you've grown from it, and they'll usually forgive you. You aren't stuck in your behaviour. You're not an object, but a living person who can make rational decisions. Change won't happen in a day, not in a week, maybe not even in a year. It requires work. But it can always happen and it's never too late – if you are willing to put in the effort and dedicate yourself to it."

Xiaojun eyed Taeil carefully, but he didn’t seem to be lying. Was there a reason to lie about this? It was so confusing…

“I don’t want to be a mean person.” He finally whispered.

"Okay. I don't think you are. What I think happened to you, is mistreatment that no one should have to face in their lives. And it's okay to not be okay after that. It doesn't mean you're broken, it doesn't mean you're a bad person. The only bad people are those who hurt you. To get over this, to become okay again, it's important to not only work on yourself but to also get help. That's why I want you to see Yixing. He's the one who knows how to heal from the bad things that happened in your life."

Xiaojun still didn’t like Yixing, but he had already agreed to see him, he couldn’t and wouldn’t go back on that word.

He also did think he was broken, but maybe Taeil didn’t understand that yet. If he did, he might no longer want him, so he didn’t say that he was wrong.

“Think we can check how tall you are?” Taeil suggested, and Xiaojun nodded.

 

Once finished, Taeil allowed him to go to the front to see Ten and show him the sticker Taeil had given him for being brave. It was maybe dumb to still get excited over stickers, but this one was for something he had actually done something for. The star stickers back with his breeders had been given for things out of his control – this one hadn’t.

Ten was typing away on a funny looking bar with a lot of small buttons but looked up when Xiaojun stepped to wait by the counter. This was the room they had gone to after the men from the brothel had been taken in by the police, where Taeil had been in his pyjamas. It looked different today.

“Hey! I see your plaster is off!” Ten beamed and Xiaojun quickly pushed more hair over the scarring skin.

“Yeah. Taeil-Hyung said I was very brave, I got a sticker for it!” He held it out. He had gotten to choose from many different animals, and the one he had opted for was a dragon.

“Oh, Mushu! That’s cute, you look a bit like him, don’t you think?”

In shock, Xiaojun stared at the red dragon. “What?”

“It’s a good thing.” Ten reassured him.

“I don’t think…”

“Ten-Hyuuuuung!” the office door was flung open and Xiaojun hissed in surprise.

An orange tabby waltzed inside like he owned the place, a bell happily chiming on his bright red collar.

“Hello Donghyuck, I’m glad that you’re as well-mannered as always.” Ten had scooted over and gently pulled Xiaojun behind the desk, where he followed without question.

“Of course! Oh, there’s a new intern? Was Guanheng fired or was he heartbroken and left your fan club?” The tabby – presumably Donghyuck – eyed him thoroughly. Xiaojun remembered Donghyuck as the person said to yell indoors. The description fit. This had to be him.

Once more, the door opened, without knocking off the wall from being thrown open with too much force this time, and a very tall dog Hybrid entered. He looked a little annoyed, then found Donghyuck and relaxed. The front of his brows was light brown, while everything else on him was black. It wasn’t hard to deduct him to be a Rottweiler, but he didn’t look dangerous, so Xiaojun turned his attention back to the loud tabby.

“None of that happened.” Ten sternly said. There was a fan club for him? “And there’s no fan club. That’s ridiculous. Who would join that?”

“I would.” The dog Hybrids announced without delay. He hadn’t stepped closer but lingered at the door. Xiaojun felt himself agree. He’d also join a Ten fan club! Too bad there wasn’t one.

“You don’t count.” Ten huffed. “Well, you know the way, off you go!” the waved at Donghyuck, but he wouldn’t let himself be shooed off.

“Who’re you? Are you a new Ten fan club member?” He spoke directly to Xiaojun, so he felt like it’d be okay to answer, and more importantly, ask the most pressing question at hand:

“I thought there wasn’t a fan club?”

“There could be. You and Guanheng could found it. See, you even already have someone to join.” He gestured towards the dog Hybrids, still at the door.

Xiaojun bristled at the name of the other cat. “No!”

“Okay, missed chance. I’m Donghyuck. That over there’s Johnny-Hyung.”

Xiaojun eyed the dog again. He was purposely looking away, downwards to be precise. It was a submissive gesture and fit his overall unthreatening demeanour. He looked shy, something rather rare and surprising to see in dog Hybrids. It wouldn’t quite make sense in his head.

Right, he was to introduce himself!

“I’m Xiaojun.”

“Are you the cat who collapsed here some weeks ago?”

“Donghyuck!” Ten gasped.

“What? It’s the truth! You’re basically famous!”

“Famous?” Xiaojun felt his eyebrows rise, until the skin stung from the cut, reminding him of its presence once again.

“Well, not famous-famous, but among us, yeah. We were all really rooting for you! It’s good to see you up and well!” Donghyuck beamed.

“Why were you rooting for me? You don’t even know me?” Xiaojun frowned.

“Not yet, but we still hoped you’d pull through! It’s called being a decent person!” Donghyuck poked his tongue out.

Xiaojun felt the fur on his tail stick up. He didn’t like being treated like this. He couldn’t have known why he was ‘famous’ and he didn’t understand why everyone cared, if not to make fun of him? Once more, he pushed hair over his scar. It’d be the thing most likely to ridicule him because of. The things that made him worthless.

“Now we can become friends – perfect, right?”

Why suggest being friends? Hadn’t he just mocked him? Xiaojun felt himself bristle. Donghyuck didn’t seem trustworthy. Who told him he didn’t just try to become friends in order to tell the others more about him to make fun of? It seemed like the most likely reason for the suggestion.

“I’d recommend myself as a friend over Jeno, by the way. I’m much cooler, and we’re both cats, so we can lie around together while the dogs chase after balls and stuff. I mean, obviously you can still become friends with Jeno, but I’m sure I’m even cooler a friend.” Donghyuck propped his elbows on the counter and grinned.

So, Jeno was in on this, too? Xiaojun had been right to be vary then! He was about to let Donghyuck know he had seen through him and wouldn't fall for his obvious trap when Ten cut in:

“I’m sure it’ll all be super great, but now you have a check-up to attend, Donghyuck. You can become friends with Xiaojun eventually. Chop-chop!”

Donghyuck pouted, but straightened up with a huff, before marching to one of the doors leading from the room. Johnny followed him, staying far away from them. When the door closed, Xiaojun took a breath of relief. He hadn't done anything to get into trouble and avoided Donghyuck – with the help of Ten.

As he calmed himself down, his thought wandered to the tall dog Hybrid.

“Does Johnny-Hyung not like strangers? Is he shy?” Xiaojun softly asked Ten. It wasn’t like he was opposed to the dog keeping his distance, it was actually nice, there were no running-hugs and terrible misunderstandings. It was just a little odd.

“You aren’t scared of him?” Ten asked, visibly surprised.

"No, he didn't come running or anything," Xiaojun mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

“But he’s a dog!” Ten seemed to have misunderstood something. Quickly, Xiaojun tried to clear that up:

“I’m not scared of dogs in general, just, um, just Jeno, and also Jaehyun a little, because of, um the things.”

“The things?”

“The touching.” Xiaojun breathed.

“Okay, yes, the one for the bandage change, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But Johnny looks quite intimidating, doesn’t he? And he’s an attack dog. You aren’t scared?”

Xiaojun shook his head. Ten's reasoning made sense, but Xiaojun didn't share that mindset. Especially since Johnny had been anything but intimidating. There were other things he was scared of, terrified even.

“I’m only scared that someone would go and… go and turn their backs on me… again.” He whispered.

“Oh no, don’t – it’s okay, hey.” Xiaojun tried to blink away the tears, but he had never been good at that. Ten got up from his chair quickly and wrapped him in a hug. He gently rubbed his back, “I promise I won’t do that.”

Xiaojun nodded weakly. He knew Ten wouldn’t.

Too bad not everyone was like Ten.

 

His tears quickly dried, and Ten let him sit on the desk, while he answered the phone and scheduled people, greeted those coming in. It was a busy job. An important one. Not to mention he had this interesting tv-screen-button-bar combination that helped him do tasks.

 

Donghyuck came back eventually, still followed by Johnny. Xiaojun assumed Donghyuck’s owner had Johnny watch over his cat when he left the house, it was the most logical explanation in his head. Dog Hybrid sometimes took care of children, so why not of other Hybrids? The owner of the two might be worried over the cat. It was safer like that.

"Xiaojun, you have to come to play with us soon, okay?" Donghyuck chirped. "There's me, Jeno, Jaemin, Renjun, Guanheng, Yangyang, Chenle, and Jisung, it'll be great."

“No.” Xiaojun crossed his arms.

“Come on, why it? It’s fun!” Donghyuck whined and Xiaojun felt annoyance rise. He didn’t like Guanheng, he didn’t really like Donghyuck, he wasn’t sure about Jeno anymore, and to top it off, everyone else was a stranger! How could he just go and ‘have fun’ with a bunch of strangers who might do god knew what? It was screaming to be a trap!

“Donghyuck, Xiaojun said no.” Ten sternly cut in before he could lash out.

“But…”

“Ah, no means no.” Ten raised a finger to the tabby’s lips. Donghyuck pouted.

“Yeah, I know that. I just don’t get why?”

“There doesn’t have to be a reason, it’s okay to just not want to.” Ten kept talking for him, and he used much nicer words than Xiaojun was thinking right now. He hated this feeling of being backed into a corner. It was like those customers who had ignored his pleas and just did whatever they wanted to, regardless of how much it hurt and how much he didn’t want it.

Donghyuck sighed. “Fine, be boring. See you soon, Hyung. Bye Xiaojun-Hyung.”

Ten waved him off, but Xiaojun didn’t.

He didn’t like him. A voice raised its head in his inner ear, telling him he didn’t like a lot of people at this point. Telling him it really was his own fault for not having friends when he was the one who kept not liking others.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Donghyuck, Shorthair](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4f/47/a1/4f47a1149e238318689266c5f00a65bb.jpg)  
> [ Johnny, Rottweiler](https://www.animals-digital.de/fileadmin/Bilder_und_Fotos/Hunde/Hunderassen/Rottweiler/Rottweiler-3.jpg)  
>   
> OMG FINALLY it's Johnny. After him being a main character in MD I missed writing him. I have so many other people I want to give attention to in this, that he'll definitely get a small part only, but it's very weird not being able to make him and Ten be all lovey-dovey, how I last wrote them in MD, all the time ;;;  
>   
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you’ve read Moon Diamond, you’ll already know that I won’t detail the visits at the therapists because I don’t feel qualified enough to do so. I’d like to stress once more that seeking professional help and counselling if you feel like you’re mentally struggling is not a shameful thing whatsoever but very important and helpful.
> 
>  
> 
> [They’re so cute!!](https://twitter.com/xuxixiaoxiao/status/1144182249988022272)

Xiaojun stared out the window. He very pointedly stared and ignored the human in front of him.

“ _I especially like this picture.”_ Yixing turned the drawing. Sicheng had encouraged him to bring them, and Xiaojun had done so after Kun had agreed. He had smiled so beautifully and encouraged Xiaojun, how could he not? It had seemed like the single best idea in the whole universe at the time.

He didn't think the idea was as great anymore now. Obviously, that wasn't Kun's fault – that was impossible – but it was this human's because he was now using the pictures to figure out Xiaojun wanted to go there and he hadn't meant for anyone to know.

“ _If you want to, we can just go ahead and paint a bit, instead of talking.”_

Yixing had a lot of different types of pencils, pens, and other types of colours on display that looked extremely tempting. He also had a mountain of adorable plushies.

It was a way of trying to lure him in!

Xiaojun played with the tag on his collar. It was brand new, Taeil’s human nurse had picked it up for him the moment the registration office opened in the morning, so he could go and see Yixing. It had been very kind of her and such a big effort, but Xiaojun really wished she hadn’t.

The band of leather it was fastened on was still stiff and a little uncomfortable. Xiaojun hadn’t worn a collar in very long, he’d have to get used to it again, but it didn’t bother him in a bad way. Rather it was a constant reminder he had some place to go to now. It was a good feeling. While it didn’t feel like he was part of the family at Taeil’s place, and he unfortunately never would, he could at least seek refuge there, with Ten, Kun, and Yuta.

The star-shaped tag was especially fun to play with. Taeil had let him choose it together with the collar yesterday. It wasn't required, only the official tag was, but Taeil had said he'd like him to have one, all of the Hybrids got one. It looked cute and had his name in the characters, it was supposed to be written in, on it. Xiaojun liked it.

“ _Well, if you prefer to pretend I’m not here, I’m going to go ahead and take over both our talking parts.”_ Yixing happily announced. Xiaojun sunk deeper into the bean bag he had flopped down on the moment Yixing had invited him to take a seat.

Taeil had said Yixing could help him become the person he wanted to be. In his opinion, Yixing was just somehow looking into his head. He wasn’t sure if he could really read it, but he’d rather not find out.

 

In the end, Xiaojun didn't even have to say much, and Yixing still managed to read his mind. It was unsettling, and he didn't appreciate it, but it also made him feel weird…well, Yixing talked a lot about working on himself, goals, chances.

Those things seemed helpful, Xiaojun did want to become a better person, to build friendships with those he liked.

He just didn’t want Yixing in his head for that, he didn’t want to let him tell him what to do, and he was sure if he cooperated that had to be the goal. Taeil was offering Xiaojun freedom, and while he still had little experience with what that meant exactly, he knew it definitely meant he could make his own decisions now, people asked him about his opinion all the time. While it was tiring and still a little scary, it also was really, really cool, just how Kun had said.

It gave him control, over things other than whether to live or to die. The control that he had been denied all his life, but he so desperately sought as he grew up and learnt how people, other than his breeder, didn’t have his best interest at heart. He wouldn’t give that up to Yixing, and his weird and uncomfortable questions. In the end, all other humans wanted him to obey and serve them for their own benefit.

He wasn't going to let them if Taeil offered him a choice. He wasn't going to allow Yixing to take that.

 

When he returned home, there was a stranger on the sofa. It was a white dog Hybrid, with fluffy floppy ears, fur and hair meticulously cut. He was using a glowing brick and bouncing his legs to no rhythm. When he heard Xiaojun enter, he looked up, revealing black almond eyes that completed the adorable and cuddly look the curly hair gave him.

“Hi!”

Xiaojun looked around, but Ten had stayed downstairs to go back to work, Doyoung had immediately left after dropping Sicheng off at the door, and said bunny had headed to his room. He had looked a little pale, and from how he had clung to Doyoung, Xiaojun thought he maybe didn’t like outside. Without wanting to be mean, it was a little reassuring to see not everything went perfect for the others all the time, too. It made his own failures a little less worrying if it wasn’t only him struggling.

More new people Xiaojun didn’t know what to think of and no one to help him. He was definitely going to fuck this up!

Behind these very reasonable worries, the thoughts of wanting to change and no longer being that mean person he didn’t want to be were still fresh. He tried to not immediately feel hostile when he hadn’t even been given a reason to be. Nice, respectful, those were the things he liked in others, so he should try and be all of them, too.

“Hi.” He greeted, hoping to hit a friendly tone.

“I’m Chenle! Are you new?”

“N-new? I guess?”

“What’s your name?”

“Xiaojun.”

“ _Oh! Chinese?”_

_“Yeah.”_

_“Where are you from? I’m from Shanghai.”_

Xiaojun hesitated. He wasn’t sure what Shanghai was. He wanted to tell Chenle it was none of his business, but he remembered Taeil and his words over changing himself into the person he wanted to be. Chenle probably thought he knew where he was from, right?

“ _I don’t know.”_

 _“Oh. Oh! Okay, my bad, sorry. That’s fine, it’s not really important, I mean of course it’s important if it’s important to you, but it’s just an icebreaker question.”_ Chenle smiled reassuringly. He sounded nice, but there was no ice in the flat. Xiaojun didn’t point that out, because he felt like it wasn’t what Chenle was referring to and he was a little eager to hear what else he had to ask. _“To be honest, I already heard about you. I didn’t know it was you, but Jeno spammed our group-chat talking about and wanting to become friends with you.”_

Xiaojun wasn’t sure how you spammed a group-chat, but Chenle kept rattling on: “ _Sorry, this sounds like we gossiped behind your back. We didn’t, I swear, it was all for strictly scientific reasons. Like becoming friends.”_

 _“Uh. Okay.”_ Xiaojun was utterly lost now. There was a science behind friendships? What?

“ _Say, do you have a scar on your forehead?”_ Chenle squinted. Xiaojun’s blood ran cold, and he immediately brought a hand up to shield it from sight.

“ _I… don’t think…”_

 _“Wait, really? Oh my god, that is so badass! Like… like Harry Potter! Oh my god, that’s so cool, can I see? Please?”_ Chenle had jumped off the sofa and come closer. Xiaojun quickly backstepped to get away. Why did he want to see? Why was it badass? Why was it cool? None of this made sense.

Chenle stopped in his moves. _“Oh, sorry, Jeno said you didn’t like touching too much. I just got so excited! Wait, let me show you…”_ he started pushing up his sleeve and revealed a red gash on his lower arm. It stood out in the milky, unblemished skin, but Chenle beamed in pure pride. _“Look! I got that from a knife, isn’t it super awesome? Like, I didn’t do it on purpose, of course. I wouldn’t even want to, because it really hurt, plus Ge freaked out, but it’s okay because that’s over now and Taeil-Ge patched it up so well, didn’t he? When you get a scar from an accident it shows you have an exciting life.”_

An exciting life? Xiaojun eyed the scar on Chenle’s arm again. It looked relatively new, similar to those he had gotten from his flight, and probably similar to the one on his forehead he still hadn’t looked at. To Xiaojun, it was ugly, not exciting or badass.

“ _I swear, I don't mean to make fun of it at all, I'm just curious because I think it's such a cool thing to have!"_ Chenle assured him.

Xiaojun tried to find the lie, but… Chenle stood open, he spoke without any hints of trying to spin a story, and he looked so genuinely excited. Furthermore, there was no way Chenle was older than himself, more likely younger.

Well, that wasn’t a reason he wouldn’t still betray him, but there wasn’t much that could go wrong here, right? Xiaojun was already wearing these scars, visible to everyone. If he showed Chenle or not… he’d see them anyway, sooner or later. But if he was actually curious about them, actually thought they were something good…

Xiaojun slowly pushed the hair away from where he had put his hand over it to mask anything that might show.

Chenle’s jaw dropped, but his eyes spoke of fascination rather than horror.

“ _Sick! I mean, it doesn’t look like Harry Potter, but it’s still so awesome!”_

_“Really?”_

_"Yes! Absolutely! You should wear it with pride! It'd like a badge of bravery, I think. Because you got hurt but healed."_

Xiaojun considered his words. They were actually quite… nice. A badge, that sounded good rather than terrible.

Maybe to Chenle they weren’t.

To Xiaojun, it was still quite devastating to know his face obscured. He wouldn’t be able to find pride in himself over having these.

“ _Um, who’s Harry Potter?”_

Chenle gasped, but the taunting Xiaojun expected from the reaction never came, instead, he was offered an explanation:

“ _Harry Potter isn't real, he's a person from a book. And a movie, there's a movie, too. Multiple, actually. He's a wizard, and when he was little an evil wizard tried to kill him, but he failed. From that, he has a lightning scar on his forehead. It's the reason why I think scars are badges of bravery. In his case not his own, because obviously, he was a baby, but of his mother's. Wait, let me show you a picture!"_

Chenle pulled his brick from his pocket and tapped on it a few times. Then, he turned it to show Xiaojun a photo of a person. A boy, to be precise, a Westerner. In the picture, he was pushing back his hair and revealing a scar on his forehead. It was placed differently than his own, and it was shaped like a lighting, while Xiaojun’s was just a straight crack.

“ _Why is he smiling? Isn’t it something bad?”_ he squinted at the photo.

“ _No, he’s the protagonist of the story and his scar made him really famous. It’s definitely not bad, it’s really cool.”_

Xiaojun didn’t think it was really cool.

_“I think it looks ugly.”_

Chenle’s eyebrows rose, and he put his brick away. “ _Wait, really? Why? How?”_

_“It just is. You shouldn’t have scars. My breeder always was very worried we’d get some.”_

_“Oh. Did you like your breeder?”_

_“Yeah, of course. Didn’t you?”_

_“No, I hate her. She was awful and I’m glad I’ll never have to see her again. Your breeder probably just had some dumb ideas about selling value in mind. Mine did. Money was her only love. They think we’re some ware they can groom, not people. They don’t usually really care about us as people, so I think you shouldn’t care about his opinion on how you’re supposed to look either. I think it’s super cool.”_

Xiaojun wasn’t so sure about that. He had always looked back to the time with his breeder as a good one. He had raised him after all, he must have… cared. His breeder surely was different from Chenle’s!

_“Th-thank you?”_

_“You’re welcome.”_ Chenle beamed. “ _Do you totally not touch at all, or can we do ear scratching?”_

Xiaojun wanted to. Chenle was so weirdly cute and non-threatening.

“ _Yeah, ears are okay.”_

_“Perfect!”_

Chenle had to reach up. It didn’t often happen that others were shorter than Xiaojun, but Chenle was by a few centimetres. He was a little sloppy and mainly ruffled through his hair, but it was nice nevertheless.

“ _Now me! Wait, I want to sit down, this is tiring.”_ Chenle grabbed Xiaojun’s sleeve and dragged him over to the sofa, where he placed himself down and looked up expectantly. Xiaojun carefully sat next to him, and Chenle immediately betted his head on his shoulder and sighed in content.

Technically, this was much more touching than agreed upon. Then again, he hadn't dragged Xiaojun by his body, just his clothing. Now, he wasn’t using his hands, just his head – like a grey zone Chenle was using to show more affection.

It was… it was nice, not scary. Xiaojun had to move weirdly to reach his head and deliver on the ear petting he owed him, but he didn’t mind at all if Chenle decided to make him his pillow despite hardly knowing each other.

“ _Oh, you’re so good at this! Hey, if you haven’t seen Harry Potter, do you want to come and watch it with me? I have a smart TV in my room so we could do it in peace.”_

 _“Why is your TV smart?”_ Xiaojun was confused. TVs couldn’t learn, could they?

“ _It’s a Samsung.”_ Why did it having three stars make it smart? Weird… Xiaojun was worried to make himself look dumb if he asked more, so he left it at that. In the light of being invited over to somewhere, TVs also seemed very irrelevant. Chenle had just asked him to come over and spend time together after all!

Xiaojun wanted to, it was definitely a friendship-building thing like Jeno had said, right? There was just a big problem:

“ _I don’t know if I’m allowed, I have to ask Taeil-Ge.”_

_“Sure, sure, but I’m 99% sure you are, Jeno usually is allowed to visit whenever. Taeil-Ge’s really chill, like, even chiller than Yukhei-Ge.”_

_“Wait! Yukhei-Ge, is that your owner?”_

_“Yep!”_

Xiaojun had definitely heard that name before! Suddenly there wasn’t only one problem, but two.

“ _I got towels from him! They’re really, really nice and fluffy!”_

_"The blue ones? I remember. Ge buys lots of things he ends up not using, and since it's a waste to throw them away we often give them to Taeil-Ge, there are so many people here, someone will inevitably find use in them."_

_“So… he’s really rich?”_ Xiaojun whispered. He didn’t think rich people were very trustworthy. They usually were able to just demand outrageous services and paid for them like it was pennies.

“ _Nah, his parents are, he just lives off them. I mean, I’m not complaining, the Gucci is sweet, but he’s not really earning it himself.”_

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose. Where the money came from usually didn't matter, just having it to their dispense made people even more cruel in his experience. Why did it have to be a rich person owning Chenle? The initial excitement he had felt was drowned out by worry now.

_“Anyway, do you have a phone yet? We should exchange numbers, so you can text me if you can come.”_

A phone? Xiaojun knew what phones looked like. Ten had one downstairs, but he hadn’t seen one here. And what were texts?

“ _No.”_

 _“Aw, okay, I’m sure Taeil-Ge will get you one soon. Make sure to have someone give you my number ASAP okay? I can send you a ton of Memes! Oh! You need to join our group chat, too, we gossip about the others there all the time. Taeil-Ge and Jungwoo-Ge, Taeyong-Ge and Doyoung-Ge, Yukhei-Ge and Doyeon-Jie, everyone.”_ Chenle cackled.

Xiaojun had understood about 20% of his sentence, but he didn’t dare ask. He didn’t want to look stupid when those clearly were things very obvious to Chenle. He didn’t feel annoyed with the other, only with himself. Chenle didn’t talk like he was making fun of him. There was a difference to Xiaojun: to be treated like he was stupid by accident because he just was, or to have his stupidity be pointed out. Plus, Chenle was still curled up against him without using his hands to touch at all.

Chenle was using this loophole on purpose, to respect his boundary, but still show affection. It matched with his overall approach that was so much less stressful and felt a lot more respectful than what Xiaojun had expected based on the behaviour of the others. Chenle felt more like the kind of person he had hoped to find and become friends with: non-scary, non-snotty, and very cuddly.

Now Xiaojun just had to not fuck it up.

“What? Why are you cuddling? I wanted to become friends with Xiaojun-Hyung first!” they were suddenly interrupted by Jeno entering the living room and yelling scandalised.

Xiaojun's hand dropped from Chenle's hair, and the dug nuzzled against him tighter, "Nini nana. I'm more likeable and cute!"

Jeno pouted. Behind him, another two white dogs entered, followed by an outrageously tall human.

“Likeable and cute? Chenle? Sounds fake, but okay.” The taller of the two taunted.

“Annoying and loud would be more fitting.” The smaller added. His voice cracked on the third word, matching his baby face. Xiaojun couldn’t believe they’d say something like that over Chenle!

“ _So, these are Yangyang and Jisung, and that’s Yukhei-Ge. Jisung’s Mandarin sucks because Yukhei-Ge bought him here and he’s lazy with studying, so he won’t understand you if you talk Chinese.”_

True to the words, the youngest and shortest, that had spoken without an audible Chinese accent in Korean, and thus was probably Jisung, looked rather puzzled.

“ _Yo, what’s up man, I’m Yukhei. Do you like the towels? Taeyong said you were using them.”_

Xiaojun swallowed and tried both hide behind Chenle to the best of his abilities and think of his manners despite being upset and intimidated. This was a human, after all! A rich one at that! “ _Y-yes, thank you very much, they’re great!”_

_“Awesome. Good to hear they get appreciated. Come on, Lele, we have to get you all back before my classes start!”_

“ _Aw, but we were just becoming friends!”_ Chenle whined.

Friends? Xiaojun’s heart jumped. Somehow, it felt a lot less forced when Chenle said it. It wasn’t a sudden state he got thrown into by a ‘let’s be friends’, but sounded like a process. He could absolutely imagine himself becoming friends with him, he got a good feeling from him. He wasn’t quite sure how to go about it yet, but this was a starting point from where on he could figure things out.

“ _You can do that next time. I’ll get nagged by the professor if I’m late. Again. Come on!”_

With a deep sigh, Chenle straightened up and got up from the sofa.

“ _Bye-bye. Remember to get my number or have someone else text me. And Harry Potter, if you want to, I’d really like to watch it.”_

Xiaojun nodded, the excitement still bubbling in his tummy. Yukhei had herded the other two white dogs out the door already and ruffled Chenle’s hair affectionately. He towered over the Hybrid like a tree, but Chenle leaned into the touch, clearly not worried to get hurt.

“Man, why Chenle? Why not me?” Jeno whined and flopped onto the sofa where said Hybrid had just been sitting. Xiaojun scooted away and Jeno looked at him with wide, shiny eyes, full of hurt.

“Because.” He hadn’t gathered more evidence that Jeno was collecting things to tell Donghyuck and possible others to make fun of, but it wasn’t off the table, and Xiaojun still felt unsafe around him.

Jeno moped and cuddled a pillow to console himself, and Xiaojun felt a little bad, but not bad enough to ignore his instincts that were very clearly just doing their best to keep him safe.  

 

The chance to see Chenle again was exciting, in between lots of worries, guilt, and insecurity.

Xiaojun wanted to ask if it was okay.

He just wasn’t sure… how to? Did he just go to Taeil and inquire?

He wasn’t even sure what he was doing at Taeil’s place right now, he had no fixed duties, so wouldn’t it be too early to go somewhere else?

Not to mention… was Yukhei safe? His place? What if it was a trap?

So, he let the chance pass during lunch and instead stared intently at his rice.

Guanheng was back from wherever he had been, and Xiaojun wasn’t eager to continue the glare-exchange. Really, it was much better to just stare at these very interesting white grains.

Unfortunately, the mesmerising rice was gone eventually, and everyone got up and started cleaning up. Again, Xiaojun fled at the sound of the water running. Dishwashing was a duty for two or a maximum of three people anyway, so he'd not even skip.

Sicheng had settled on the table with the weird foldable electronic device Xiaojun had seen before. There wasn’t anything to do, and it looked quite interesting. He tried to see what the thing could do while not bothering the older. Trying to go unnoticed, Xiaojun lingered a couple of steps behind Sicheng’s chair.

On the screen was a picture of what looked like a brown house, but not really built like a house, rather just mimicking it. There were colourful decorations all around it, it looked a lot like it had snowed.

“ _It’s a gingerbread house. I’ve never made one, but I really want to try and Taeyong-Ge said he’d help me.”_ Sicheng announced, obviously having noticed Xiaojun staring. He felt rude for doing so without asking. The appropriate response would be an apology, so Xiaojun hurried to deliver on that:

“ _S-sorry for spying.”_

_“It’s fine, privacy isn’t much of a thing here anyway. I’m sure you can help, too, if you want. Jeno and Guanheng want to as well.”_

Xiaojun was intrigued by the house, but not by the thought of working in close proximity to either…

“Are you gonna help with the gingerbread house? That’s so awesome!” Jeno slammed into the table next to Xiaojun, making him startle and immediately snap his teeth at the dog. He caught only the fabric of his sweater and Jeno yelped in surprise.

Xiaojun realised his mistake and let go.

He wasn’t doing any of this right! He had said he’d not hurt him anymore, yet here he was! Frustration with himself made Xiaojun tear up.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t think! Again! I’m really trying!” Jeno stuttered, rubbing where Xiaojun had bitten.

“Uh, did you get hurt?” Sicheng asked and Xiaojun felt ten times worse, eying Jeno in worry.

“Nope, all fine. Don’t worry Hyung!” Jeno beamed, “But I’m really sorry, I keep forgetting I have to not scare you, it doesn’t quite go into my head yet!” Jeno knocked his own skull.

"I'm sorry, too," Xiaojun whispered.

“Okay, it’s fine. So, are you helping with the gingerbread house? I didn’t even know they existed until a few weeks ago. I want to make a castle, with all of us, and Donghyuck, Mark, Johnny-Hyung, Nana…”

“I’m not even sure we’ll manage a hut.” Sicheng interrupted him, scratching his head.

Xiaojun suddenly saw Guanheng come from the kitchen. Their eyes met for a second, and Guanheng hurriedly turned his head and rushed from the living room, his step echoing down the hall.

Weird.

No insult, no reminder how much he didn’t like Xiaojun?

“It’ll be fine, it can’t be that hard!”

“But you have to remember statics, so the walls don’t collapse.”

“Shouldn’t it be fine with more frosting?”

“No, I don’t think that’s how it works.” Sicheng eyed the screen closer again.

“Well, if you can’t fix it with glue, you’re not using enough.”

“But there’s a difference between glue and frosting!”

“You said frosting served the same purpose. Why can’t we use glue then?”

“This is supposed to be edible!” Sicheng lamented.

“But I thought it was decoration?”

Sicheng stared into nothingness for a moment, then seemed to come to an answer: “Even so, you should be able to eat it in theory. We can’t use glue!”

“Fine. Well, then the people will have to live in the garden or something. I don’t want to leave anyone out, they’re all important!” Jeno huffed.

They all were important. That Jeno could say that about such a large number of people was admirable.

Xiaojun, in theory, wanted what he had. He was jealous!

In reality, he wasn’t sure he could. There were too many Jeno was easily friends with, that he didn’t like. Hell, he wasn’t even sure about Jeno himself!

Definitely, Xiaojun was the problem. He was the reason why no one liked him.

“So, are you gonna help, too, Hyung?” Jeno cocked his head, “You can bring in your own ideas and everything!”

"No." Xiaojun turned in his spot and marched to the sofa, where he buried himself behind the empty sketchbook Ten had given him yesterday.

Only second after putting the pencil on the page, he regretted his behaviour. That had been mean. Again. He had told himself to no longer be mean – and failed once more. He had wanted to give Jeno a chance, and now…

Xiaojun blinked back tears. No one would benefit from his constant crying.

What was wrong with him?

Taeil was wrong. He was definitely broken, and definitely a bad person.

 

No one bothered him. Xiaojun was glad. He felt deeply ashamed of his actions. There were only so many times he could apologise if he didn't change his behaviour. Jeno and Sicheng concluded their discussion and Jeno spent the afternoon behind textbooks, while Sicheng started tying colourful straws into stars. Doyoung came by and sat down with Jeno, explaining something about the checks and balances of governments.

Xiaojun eavesdropped, and over Doyoung calmly explaining legislative, executive, and judicative, hours passed by quickly. It sounded interesting, but Xiaojun felt like he lacked some basic knowledge to get what he was talking about.

Or, more likely, he was just too dumb to understand the concepts. It was something humans had thought of, after all. Too difficult for a mere Hybrid like himself to grasp.

The realisation made Xiaojun feel even worse and he didn’t even want to keep listening, just frowned at the ugly picture of a gingerbread house he had scribbled.

 

As always, Ten was the first one to come up after the office closed.

“Did you have a good afternoon?” he flopped down next to Xiaojun.

Getting chosen as the person to be paid attention by Ten felt good, but Xiaojun’s afternoon had been rather depressing.

“I guess.” He didn’t want to annoy Ten but he also didn’t want to lie.

“It’s okay if you hadn’t. I know therapy can sometimes mess with your head for the whole day.” Ten snaked an arm around Xiaojun and tugged him closer. Xiaojun was really great at messing with his own head, no help needed, but he didn’t want to say that.

Instead, he melted into Ten's touch. Out of everyone, Ten really was the best at how to run his fingers through his hair to make him feel like ice in the sunshine – no offence to the others. A purr threatened to spill, but luckily Xiaojun was able to hold it in.

Ten run his fingers up his ears and he felt all strength leave his body because it felt so nice and relaxed him perfectly.

“Xiaojun? I have a question.”

"Hm?" Xiaojun didn't feel like he could talk much, so hopefully, it wouldn't be a hard one. Just there, a little lower down, to the right…

“And it’s absolutely okay to say no, you know that, right?”

“Yeah.” Xiaojun was so eager to get closer to Ten, he slipped off and landed sprawled over his lap. Mortified, he scrambled to sit back up. “I’m so sorry.”

“You can lie down, it’s more comfortable.” Ten encouraged. Xiaojun hesitated, but then slowly put his head on Ten’s thigh.

He didn't feel comfortable. Instead, his body was tight from trying not to be too heavy on Ten, who remained unbothered and kept petting his ears. "You said you didn't mind Johnny, that you weren't scared of him. Are you sure about that?"

“If he doesn’t do things, yeah.”

“No, no, he won’t. But if he came over, you wouldn’t mind?”

“No. Why?” Xiaojun was confused why Ten had a special interest in that Johnny in particular. Maybe because he was in his fan club? Or would be, if there were one?

"Uh, Johnny and I are… kinda… sorta… uh…" Ten flushed pink, "B-boyfriends!"

Boyfriends? So like the dating thing? Xiaojun wouldn’t have thought Ten would be interested in something like that, even less since he had had the same experiences as himself, but he didn’t want to judge, not Ten.

“Okay. So, you want him to come over and argue over cutting carrots?”

“What?”

“Like Doyoung-Hyung and Taeyong-Hyung? Isn’t that what dating people do?”

“Um… no. Well, yes, clearly, they’re doing that. I don’t. But I want him to come over only if it’s okay for you.”

Xiaojun was a little jealous that Ten had more important people, but he had known that before. He knew he was over-focussing on Ten and Kun, it was his own fault for doing so. But the feeling still sat uncomfortably in his chest. At the same time, Ten was such an incredibly impressive person, of course, everyone had to like him! It made perfect sense and he deserved all these friends and boyfriends for being how he was.

“I’m confused why you’re asking me? I don’t want to be in the way.” Xiaojun mumbled.

“Because this is your home now, too. You are entitled to feeling safe and comfortable here. If Johnny being around would risk that, then he can’t come.”

His home? And that was a place where he had to feel not scared, which was so important that Ten would not let his boyfriend come if that might be at risk?

Xiaojun stared at the wall on the other side, trying to process that.

“Is that being nice for the sake of being nice?” he softly asked.

“Hm… I guess? I’d just say it’s being considerate.”

“But you don’t get anything in turn?”

“I get you being really cuddly and relaxed, don’t I? I’m more than happy over that.”

Xiaojun realised he had at some point started to just laze on Ten’s lap and his whole body was curled up, tail wrapped around his legs.

"That's a weird payment," Xiaojun mumbled.

“It’s not payment, friendship doesn’t need to be paid, it’s free!”

Xiaojun jerked upright at the word, eyes wide and skin tingling in a weird mixture of nervousness and excitement. “Friendship?”

Ten had let go of him in surprise, but his hands were still in the air just over where Xiaojun had been moments prior.

“Yeah, friends, don’t you want to be?”

Xiaojun’s mind was racing. Yes. Yes! He wanted to be, but had he done enough? Wait! Ten had said friendship didn’t need to be paid for…

"Yes, but – but how… I'm not sure how that even works." Xiaojun whispered, feeling very distressed. He used to know. But it was all gone, and he came up blank and confused, even scared. Apparently, his goal was within reach, the goal of finding friends, but now he could so easily mess it up completely, and it would be his own fault!

“It can work however you want to it to. The important part is that both respect each other and don’t use the other person for their own gain.”

Xiaojun nodded. Yes! That matched with what he imagined it to be! Maybe it really wasn’t as hard…

Maybe he already was friends with Ten?

With Ten, he could know for sure he wouldn’t use him. That seemed to be the problem with most others. That and the respecting part, because they made him feel dumb and he didn’t like that.

His musing was interrupted by the others coming back from work and Taeyong calling for dinner, so he never figured out if he was really friends with Ten, but that was fine, he could do more friendship-building to become, figure out how it worked before really having a friend.

 

Over the table, he met eyes with Guanheng once, but like earlier, the other cat didn’t glare, or even insult him, and instead looked away quickly.

Xiaojun wondered what that was about, but he didn’t want to fix what wasn’t really broken. If Guanheng left him alone, all the better!

Wondering over his odd behaviour made Xiaojun remember the small, white dog Hybrid from earlier and his invitation.

Once everything was cleared up, and Jaehyun and Doyoung started arguing over what to watch on the TV today, Xiaojun found Kun in the hallway, for privacy reasons, Guanheng might tell him to stay away again when he returned from changing out of his all-white outfit into something more comfortable for the TV show.

“ _Kun-Ge?”_ Xiaojun softly tried. He didn’t want to annoy him, but it was important to get information and he didn’t want Taeil to be able to hear, so asking Ten wasn’t possible.

Kun’s ears perked up and he stopped.

_“Hm? Is something wrong?”_

_“No. I… I have a question. If that’s okay?”_

Kun’s face lit up and he nodded eagerly “ _Absolutely, please, I’ll try my best to answer anything.”_

_“So… Chenle – do you know Chenle?”_

_“Yes, I do.”_

_“Okay, he was here earlier and he invited me to watch a film with him. But at his place. And he said I should just ask Taeil-Ge and he’d surely say yes, but,”_ Xiaojun bit his lip, Kun didn’t look surprised or like this was an outrageous question yet. Encouraged by that, Xiaojun went on, “ _I was wondering if I could really do that? More importantly, I wanted to ask if… if that was, well, safe?”_ Kun had understood him before, hopefully, he would understand again, without Xiaojun having to explicitly explain what possible problems might arise.

“ _You want to go meet up with Chenle?”_

_“Y-yeah?”_

_“That’s… that’s wonderful!”_ Kun’s tail thrashed in excitement and Xiaojun was a little confused as to … why? Why was this good new to Kun? _“Don’t worry, Yukhei’s only a little bit of a mess. But he’s very nice and he treats all his Hybrids very well, you have nothing to fear from him. You can just ask Taeil-Ge. I can come with you if you want?”_

 _“How do I ask? What do I say? Do I offer something in return?”_ Xiaojun wasn’t sure. Taeil had promised he didn’t have to service, but if he wanted something it might make sense to offer in return. Payment! Taeil was his owner, after all, not his friend.

“ _You can do it just how you asked me right now, tell him Chenle invited you and you’d like to go if that would be okay. Taeil-Ge doesn’t want anything in return and he’ll usually try to agree to everything, so you can be free in your actions.”_

Right. Freedom. Did that include seeing other people to watch things with them on their educated TVs?

Maybe it did. Wouldn’t that be… fun?

“ _Okay. I’ll ask him then.”_ Xiaojun nodded, but his heart was thundering in his ears.

Would it really be acceptable to ask a human for something?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Jisung, Samoyed](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn-origin-etr.akc.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/12212924/Samoyed-slide-5.jpg)  
> [Chenle, Maltese](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/86/Maltese_puppy.jpeg/1280px-Maltese_puppy.jpeg)  
> [Yangyang, West Highland Terrier](https://www.zooplus.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/west-highland-white-terrier-im-grass-768x512.jpg)  
>   
> I updated the tags for the future, please make sure to read them since they're my TW for this fic, let me know if you have any questions or concerns!!  
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The daily dose of Xiaojun](https://66.media.tumblr.com/cf26f3242a4dcc4903594d52434e3124/tumblr_pto4wm7D1A1v6bamko2_400.jpg) by [Longeyelash](https://www.weibo.com/u/6915231136?is_hot=1)

If Kun hadn’t come with him and thus sort of pushed Xiaojun to follow through, he would have probably postponed asking Taeil again.

The human was in the kitchen, where he was drying dishes – much to Xiaojun’s horror. That was what Hybrids were there to do! No one else seemed to share that thought, so he didn't voice it. Maybe it was Taeil being weird and nice again? Inappropriate housework or not, he had something important to ask, he couldn't let himself get distracted!

Taeil had noticed and turned towards him before Xiaojun had even opened his mouth, looking at him questioningly. Nerves made his palms sweat and Xiaojun nearly hissed from stress. He didn’t. That wasn’t the way to be polite!

“I, um, I… IwantedtoaskifIcouldgoandseeChenlebecauseheinvitedmetowatchHairyPorteronhiswiseTVandIdreallyliketoifthatsokay?”

Taeil blinked and hesitated for a moment. Xiaojun felt incredibly stupid for asking already, especially in the kitchen where Taeyong and Jeno were cleaning the rest of dinner up. Now he’d humiliate himself in front of all of them!

“Chenle invited you? And you’d like to go?” Taeil finally asked.

“Y-yes.”

“That’s great!” It was? Xiaojun relaxed a little, “Of course you can go, as long as we find a way to follow the buddy system.”

“Me! I can be his buddy!” Jeno exclaimed and raised his hand so hastily, he knocked it right into a cupboard. The bang echoed through the kitchen and Jeno whimpered, curling up around the hurt limb.

“Oh, Jeno, let me see that.” Taeil sighed and immediately stepped over and inspected the hand.

“It’s fine, barely hurts at all.” Jeno gritted out. Xiaojun watched in worry, but also relief that it hadn’t been him inflicting the pain upon Jeno this time. Taeil seemed to find nothing wrong, let go of the hand, and ruffled Jeno’s hair.

“I could also go and bring Xiaojun.” Kun offered softly.

“You?” Taeil’s eyebrows rose in clear surprise.

“Yeah, well, if he needs someone for the way?” Kun looked a little offended.

"What a turn of events," Taeil mumbled, then shook his head, like to remind himself of the topic at hand. "So we definitely have the way covered. While you’re at Yukhei’s flat the rule still applies. You can stick with Chenle if that works for you. He needs to know you can't be alone though, so he knows what to remember and if he's fine with that." 

Xiaojun already felt like a terrible burden. Wasn’t that too much to ask of an acquaintance? Wouldn’t that be annoying?

“How about you call him?” Taeil suggested. “You can talk about that, and once everything’s cleared you can agree on a time and day.”

Taking a deep breath, Xiaojun nodded. It sounded like there was a simple solution.

“Do you have his number, or…”

“Hyung, Xiaojun doesn’t have a phone yet.” Kun reminded. Xiaojun would get his own phone? Wasn’t that a bit too much? He didn’t really need his own, did he? There weren’t many people to call!

Taeil slapped his forehead, "My bad! I'll have to get you one on the weekend, I completely forgot."

“You can borrow mine.” Kun easily offered, “We can go to our room and call Chenle, so we have quiet.”

Xiaojun liked that. It’d mean not everyone would be around to realise he had no clue how to use a phone, other than that he knew you had to type in a number on the keys and then you’d be able to talk to another person having one.

 

Their room was colder than the living room because there was no one really spending time in here over the day and it'd be a waste to heat it as warm. Kun sat down on top of the duvet and Xiaojun hurried to follow. He pulled out the same type of boxy brick Xiaojun had seen plenty. It lit up and Xiaojun curiously glanced at it. There was a photo on the display. He spotted Kun himself, Taeil, Taeyong, Ten, everyone.

Kun pushed to photo away and a new design appeared. Xiaojun blinked in surprise. It was almost like a TV changing channels, but there was no drama playing. It now had lots of small squares all over it, each with a different picture and a small name underneath. He saw a “camera”, “contacts”, “gallery.”

“ _Does that take photos?”_ Xiaojun asked in surprise. He hadn’t known they had that ability. Suddenly, the times when a shutter seemed to go off, but no one had had a camera, made sense.

Kun paused his movements for a second, _"Yes, it's called a smartphone, smart because it can do so many things that you can call it smart, though it's not really thinking itself. Taking photos is one of its abilities, but you can use it to call other people or send them little text messages, like a short and fast letter. You can use Apps to play games, watch videos, use the internet, you can even track your activity by letting it measure how many steps you take in a day."_

Xiaojun was baffled, “ _That sounds very smart.”_

“ _It's really helpful. It might sound hard to use, but it's not really. Taeil-Ge gets all of us one, so you'll get one, just how he said. We all had to get used to how it works at first because not many humans would give a Hybrid one. If you run into difficulties, everyone will be happy to help you. They've been there, too."_ Kun smiled.

It was definitely a huge relief, Xiaojun had already started to doubt he'd ever get a grip on the many functions. Hearing he wasn't the only one lacking education in this field was a relief. Hopefully, he'd not end up being the first person too dumb to understand it.

“ _I’ll give Chenle a video call, they’re fun because you can see the other person’s face.”_

Xiaojun’s hand flew up to his hair, he covered over where the scar on his forehead sat. Then, he remembered Chenle had already seen it very clearly, and he found it cool.

It’d be fine.

Kun pressed something on the screen, and it turned grey with a small square in which a video of themselves in this very moment appeared. Xiaojun eyed it in deep fascination. He hadn’t had a clue such technology existed!

A moment later, Chenle’s face appeared on the screed and Xiaojun startled.

“ _Ge! What’s up? Oh, Xiaojun! Did you decide if you wanted to come?”_ Chenle chirped immediately. He shifted on whatever he was on, and Xiaojun spotted Jisung in the background, leaned forward on the sofa, face illuminated by blue light. He held another box and then suddenly started yelling things. The person next to him returned the yelling, and Xiaojun realised it to be Yangyang.

Chenle looked over his shoulder. “Ya! Be quiet, I’m having a very important call!”

He went ignored and seemed to decide to change his strategy. He got up and left the room, his steps audible over the line.

“ _Sorry. It’s tough living with literal barbarians.”_ Chenle huffed and slammed the door.

“ _Throwing doors also isn’t the gentleman’s way.”_ Kun chipped in.

“ _Whatever. So?”_

Xiaojun swallowed, suddenly feeling ridiculously nervous. Kun passed the brick, no, the phone to him, and he had to put his arm on his knee to hold it steady. “ _I’d really like to come. I asked Taeil-Ge. I may, but only if it’s okay with you to kinda, um, stick around? It’s a rule I have to follow, it’s called buddy system.”_

_"I've heard of that, Yukhei-Ge wants us to follow that when he lets us leave on our own, too, just in case. I mean, Jisung is only 14, so, obviously, he's still really young and barely able to walk around alone outside."_

_“You just turned 15._ ” Kun deadpanned.

“ _I’m a year older than him!”_ Chenle complained. “ _Anyway, it’s totally fine, we’ll be hanging together all the time anyway, you won’t be alone.”_

He hadn't even questioned as to why Xiaojun needed him to do this. It was a relief, as Xiaojun wouldn't have known how to answer. He didn't want to tell he considered dying a good option. He knew others found that weird. That it was not normal.

“ _And if I have to go to the loo, you can stay with the annoying barbarians I live with. So, does Sunday work for you? Maybe at 2 pm?"_

 

Xiaojun was so excited for Sunday, that he didn’t even pay attention to the Drama on screen. His thoughts kept going back to seeing Chenle and seeing the film about the wizard.

The excitement was mixed with nervousness. What if he did something bad? What if Chenle realised he was a mean person and changed his mind?

No. He would just stay away from everyone else. He’d make sure to discuss boundaries first, how he had learnt. Respectfully, without cursing. It’d be fine! He didn’t want to be a bad person, he wanted to be friends!

Xiaojun grabbed his tail when it threatened to hit Yuta for the tenth time. The appendage had too much of a mind on its own today. Holding it still wasn't ideal, it felt like you had an itch where you couldn't scratch, but it couldn't be helped.

The girl on the screen was caught in the worst rain Xiaojun had ever seen, without an umbrella. He had missed how she had gotten there, but he couldn’t be bothered to try and catch up.

Chenle had said his TV was smart. Maybe it was smart as Kun’s phone was. It had been exciting to learn that, and now he could even understand something else by extension. Xiaojun felt a sense of accomplishment.

 

The bathroom order was decided by drawing lots, and Xiaojun ended up being last, but he didn’t care the slightest. He accidentally knocked shoulders with Guanheng, who stared at him for a moment. Xiaojun wasn’t sure how to read his expression, but it seemed like Guanheng was waiting for him to misbehave first. Xiaojun nearly did, just because he was sure the other had knocked into him on purpose and he didn’t want to just let himself be kicked around. Luckily, Kun asked from the bathroom if they liked aloe or vanilla better, and Xiaojun managed to not do something not-nice he might regret later. Guanheng yelled he preferred Aloe, before turning and making a dash for it. Xiaojun looked after him for a moment.

“ _Xiaojun, which do you like better?"_

 _“I like vanilla.”_ Xiaojun actually didn't, he was indifferent, his favourite was fruity scents but Ten didn't like those so they never had them, which was completely fine with him. It probably also wasn’t nice to want to use the one Guanheng liked less to spite him, but he couldn’t help feeling satisfied over getting back at him for the bumping earlier.

 

When he was clean, dry, and warm, bundled up in his blanket, the wall to his right, Kun to his left, Xiaojun found himself not tired at all. Not wanting to wake Kun, he stared at the downside of Yuta’s bed over him.

He reminded himself of all the tips he had gotten on friendships so far. Each was valuable to him. He ran them through his brain over and over. Ten, Kun, and Taeil, but also Taeyong and Jeno. He even caught words of Yixing between them.

He didn’t want those. He pushed them away, but they kept coming back. It was annoying, that he’d even get into his head when he wasn’t around!

The repetition of the same phrases and words in his head made his eyes droopy, finally, tiredness spread in his body, making it heavy and his mind slow.

Friends.

Xiaojun suddenly felt the need for the closeness of another person, loneliness making his chest hurt. He rolled over and found Kun, fast asleep, next to him. If he was asleep, he couldn’t be annoyed if Xiaojun was too needy, because he wouldn’t know.

Happy with his tired logic, Xiaojun snug under Kun’ blanket and let his half-asleep mind wrap his body around Kun’s.

 

He woke up because someone was pulling on his arm. Not uncomfortably, but enough to make him feel bothered. With a hiss, he opened his eyes, baring his teeth.

“ _Sorry, sorry, sorry, it’s just me_!” Kun’s face was right in front of him, and Xiaojun realised he hadn’t moved from his Koala position last night, immobilising the older who was now trying to break free.

Embarrassment made his face heat up, and Xiaojun hurried to let go and dove under the blanket to hide.

“ _Sorry, I didn’t mean to.”_

_“Don’t be, I slept very well with the extra warmth. Want to get up and have breakfast?”_

Xiaojun considered it for a second, then peeled off the blanket to follow Kun.

 

Once more, he fled the kitchen the second water was turned on, and once more he found himself without much to do over the day since no one had assigned him any tasks.

Turned out, there was someone that had something in mind.

"There's still a few weeks left until Christmas, but I've prepared Christmas Carols to learn now, so you can join in." Yuta flopped down on the sofa where Xiaojun had curled up to do nothing for the day. He felt alert, but Yuta wasn't too close, remembering Xiaojun’s boundaries. Actually, Xiaojun wasn’t even that worried over Yuta maybe touching him anymore.

Yuta was trustworthy, very much so, he had caught him, after all, and not wanted anything in return.

Wait.

Was that friendship?

“There’s, like, a ton, so I thought we’d start with the classics.”

Xiaojun nodded and filed the friendship question aside for later. It was just nice. Nice for niceness’ sake. That’d be good for now. Friendship could probably come after, when you had done things together, how Jeno had said.

“I’ll play them, and then you can choose which one you want to sing first, we’ll work our way up until you’re an expert.” Yuta beamed and it was so encouraging that Xiaojun found himself even more eager to get started.

The tune of the first song started. It was simple and sung about a tree. Xiaojun’s eyes were drawn to the fir by the wall. The next one was about putting holly in halls, and the one after was about Santa Claus and how he had stalker tendencies. Xiaojun worried who that man was and if he might be watching him as he was sitting here.

If so, he’d definitely be on the naughty list. He wasn’t sure what consequences that had, but he wasn’t eager to find out.

“So, do you have a favourite?” Yuta asked once the last note had finished. Question for his opinion, his choice. Xiaojun took a second to consider, then nodded. He did have a favourite.

“I think the Christmas tree one?”

“Okay, sure. Quick question: do you read Hangeul?”

Xiaojun slowly nodded. He could read Hangeul for the most part. Quite slowly, especially when special rules for pronunciation applied, but he did. Maybe he should say that. Yuta wouldn’t be mean about it, right?

“I don’t read them well though.”

“Honestly, it’s really good you know how to read them in the first place, that’s already a feat. I didn’t when I came to Taeil first.”

Xiaojun was surprised. Yuta was a nurse and all, he hadn’t known how to read?

Well, only Hangeul. Yuta was Japanese, he probably had learnt Japanese writing. And maybe he had been little when Taeil had gotten him. Hybrids were usually sold at 14, but if he came from a bad place he might have been younger.

“Okay, it starts ‘Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree, with faithful leaves unchanging’. That’s because you use a fir and they don’t drop their leaves in autumn.”

"Is the tree very important? Since there even are songs about it?" Xiaojun was still confused over what use a fir inside would have.

“I thought it was mainly aesthetics? But I’m sure it has some deep meaning. I’m not the expert, you should ask Sicheng.” Yuta shrugged. Xiaojun had asked Sicheng about the tree before, he didn’t want to again and look dumb, so he’d be fine accepting it was to look pretty.

“Okay, let’s try together.”

Xiaojun cleared his throat. He hadn’t sung in very long, ever since being sold to be precise.

But the tones came easily. It was a simple melody, exactly right to start back after a long break.

Xiaojun dared to pick up the volume a little when they repeated that small line. He had forgotten how fun this was! He was sad when they finished much too soon.

“You’re really good! Your voice is so unique.” Yuta smiled and looked at his phone again.

The words echoed in Xiaojun’s head for a moment before sticking to some part that was able to compute them. It made him feel good, really good, to get a compliment for a skill he had.

“Right, ‘not only green in summer’s heat but also winder’s snow and sleet’, and then the whole Christmas tree line again.”

 

Xiaojun felt more excited with every new line Yuta taught him.

 

They did the tree song, then they did the holly song, and finally, they also did the stalking song.

"I've never considered this to be creepy, but I think I can't un-hear it now. I mean, Santa Claus is just a figure for children anyway."

Xiaojun wanted to know about this mysterious man. Sicheng had agreed Christmas wasn’t from China, but from the West, so there was no way he could know. Thus, he wouldn’t look dumb if he asked. Plus, Yuta was trustworthy, so Xiaojun dared to.

“By which criteria does he sort them? And what do the children get?”

“They’re supposed to listen to their parents and then they get presents. If they’re bad they get nothing. I mean, obviously, since it’s the parents behind Santa, so it’s kinda self-serving. I don’t know if any parents actually follow through with not giving anything. I should ask Mark some time, he’s from Canada so they do the whole Christmas thing. Taeil-Hyung only does it for us, he didn’t grow up with it but with traditional Korean holidays.”

Xiaojun nodded. He didn't have parents, well, he did, but he didn't know them. Hybrids usually didn't. And he had already gotten a place to stay and nice people, plus clothing. He didn't need presents. If Santa wasn't a real figure there was no reason to hope nor worry.

“Who even thought of Christmas? What is celebrated?”

“That is a question people might go to war over.” Yuta chuckled, “But to keep it short: to us, Christmas is a wonderful occasion to get together and spend time with each other.” He rubbed over his wrists.

It sounded nice, to have a whole day to specifically be with friends and dear people.

Xiaojun didn't plan to stick around for that.

He’d have to become friends with everyone to fit in, didn’t he? On one hand, he wanted to. Just like every time he thought that he should try harder, be a better person, he found his instincts screaming at him that it wasn’t safe.

He couldn’t trust them. The only ones that were safe, were Kun, Ten, and Yuta.

“So… when is Christmas?” Xiaojun asked.

“In two and a half weeks. On the 25th of December.” It wasn’t very long. Xiaojun wanted to say he was decided in his choice to just end it before then.

But he wasn’t.

He didn’t really want to die, not when Yuta had just shown him these carols and he remembered how much fun singing was, when he had soft hoodies, and people to cuddle.

Of course, there were so many downsides. The many mishaps and bad behaviour on his page, the actions that made him feel guilty, and the moments during which he felt as stupid and uneducated as he was, and the knowledge he wasn’t worth a sad penny anymore.

Still, as he tried to grab these negative thoughts, and tell himself he would give himself two weeks and then go against his pinkie promise and assurances, and just slip away in the night, when no one could stop him, catch him, he found doubt in all of them.

Yes, he wasn’t worth money anymore, but he had other things that were good, inner values. Taeil had listed them, Yixing had reminded him of them, Ten had agreed, Yuta had just found another. There might be more he didn’t even know he had! Not to mention, the new idea of subjective perceptions of beauty opened the possibility of maybe not being ugly to the whole world. So, he wasn't worthless. He didn't want to be worthless if there was a chance he wasn't, he wanted to try and believe in that. It was hard to not immediately think of his monetary worth based on his looks, but he could change, how Taeil had said.

He did bad things and felt guilty, but he if he worked on that more, he might be able to change that behaviour, too. He hadn’t trusted Yuta at first, but Yuta had shown him he was wrong. Those he didn’t trust now might later turn out to be the same.

“After Christmas, there’ll be New Years Even with fireworks. Then there's Chinese New Year, and then it'll already be almost spring. There are really so many things to look forward to." Yuta announced. Xiaojun wondered if Yuta maybe had some mind-reading abilities, too, but the other seemed to not even pay him that much attention.

Surely, it was a coincidence he mentioned it. But it did sound like there were more things to live for after Christmas. Just… Christmas was sort of… in the way.

 

Xiaojun wrote down the lyrics to the three carols with Yuta’s support, and then kept singing them under his breath for the whole morning. Taeyong asked him to fold some laundry, which he happily did together with Kun. Kun showed him a new trick to rolling socks that allowed the pattern to show.

Guanheng and Jeno left to visit someone called Renjun, and Xiaojun didn’t miss the dirty look Guanheng threw him, but since Kun was right beside him, he ignored it. He didn’t want to be nasty when Kun was right there.

Before lunch, when the flat already started to smell of delicious food, Johnny came, just how Ten had announced.

Xiaojun looked up from where he had been making sure to sort the socks by the initials on the small tags ironed inside and have all patterns show, any animals weaved into the fabric sitting upright and being happy. Kun had explained the codes. TY was for Taeyong, 10 was for Ten, T-H was for Taeil-Hyung, and so on.

“Hi.” Johnny smiled and waved. He didn’t look as shy as last time, actually, he didn’t look shy at all. With Ten to his side, Xiaojun realised just how tall he was. He reconsidered if he had reason to find him exceptionally scary, but he came up empty. He guessed Ten would think he might because of how nasty the dogs the handlers had kept themselves always had been. It was a fair reason, but Xiaojun was quite sure those were just as stuck in the system as he had been. He had seen a handler punish a dog Hybrid just as coldheartedly as a cat or a bunny. If there was no awful owner there was no reason for a dog Hybrid to be worse than a cat or bunny. It was always the monsters’ fault Hybrids suffered.

Right now, Johnny was definitely less worrisome than Donghyuck, or Yangyang and Jisung.

“Hello.” Xiaojun returned the greeting.

“Nice to meet you again.” Johnny halted two steps away from the sofa and Xiaojun paused his folding to pay him attention. “Ten told me you don’t want to be touched, right?”

Xiaojun straightened. Boundaries, so he didn’t get into misunderstandings and did things he didn’t want to, this was important, very much so!

“Yes, please. Is there something you don’t like? I’ll avoid it in return!” Xiaojun offered. He felt a little less insecure and nervous over how to establish this, now that he had done it a few times. Additionally, it now felt more important than the first day, because others had respected anything he had asked – or had at least tried. It showed him it actually worked!

“Well, living with Donghyuck you stop caring about everything.” Johnny shrugged.

Xiaojun waited for more, but, apparently, he wasn’t going to add more. He wrinkled his nose. Doing things without anything in return started to become a slightly familiar concept now. If Johnny didn’t have anything he hated, then… well, that was actually great for him!

No wonder Ten would like him, he seemed like a really good person.

Much different from Xiaojun.

Johnny grinned and snatched Ten off the ground, whispering something into his ear, which made Ten softly laugh in turn. They looked so happy together. Maybe there was more to this whole dating thing than having sex?

Well, but that had to be part of it, obviously, and Xiaojun didn’t want to do that. Not to mention, he shouldn’t even bother thinking about how beautiful Johnny and Ten looked together, and shouldn’t pay the jealousy he felt over that any mind, because no one would ever look at him that way. Not to mention his stupid, broken head that always got in the way of everything.

A little upset over yet another reminder of his many shortcomings, Xiaojun turned his attention back to the socks. He was down the last pair, and like even laundry wanted to spite him, it had a ‘GH’ tag.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yeah, I know everyone hates me for making GH/XJ fight but they're not going to stop quite yet.  
> Also, I'm using Grammarly now, so I hope that helped reduce my punctuation issues
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Xiaojun](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7ad934b1f214e0a3e3ba02483053c833/tumblr_ptq276BkOz1v6bamko1_400.jpg) by [Longeyelash](https://www.weibo.com/u/6915231136?is_hot=1)

By the time Sunday afternoon was actually there, Xiaojun was so nervous he felt sick. Even repeating the now six carols he knew thanks to Yuta didn’t help him calm down.

He nearly wanted to just not go. Because there was so much that could go wrong!

All of it because of himself, obviously.

“If you still have time, you should totally try Mario Cart. They have a Nintendo Switch I’m really jealous of, you can play a thousand games on that.” Jeno rattled., “Mario games are my favourite, they’re always really fun and easy.”

Xiaojun glanced around himself. He didn't want to get too close to Jeno, but he also didn't want to be alone. Some people looked. He wasn't imagining that they really were.

He knew Taeil had secretly been worried to let him go with Jeno. He had seen it very clearly in his face, but he still had allowed it. Xiaojun had to prove he hadn’t made a mistake in that decision! Taeil was placing so much trust in him, despite Xiaojun not having really done much to deserve it, he couldn’t let him down.

“But Harry Potter is also really great. Oh! Once you know what it’s about, you can sort yourself into a house! I’m in Hufflepuff, but any house is good. Don’t let them tell you Slytherins are evil, that’s not how it works, a school wouldn’t have an evil house, it just happens to support traits that can more easily be swayed for bad uses.”

Xiaojun was probably a Slytherin then, and definitely the evil kind.

Maybe he should just go home.

“By the way, I snug some change, so we can get Hotteok on the way back. Just don’t tell Taeyong-Hyung, okay? He always says snacking is bad.”

“Uh… isn’t that lying?”

“Um… well… is it?”

“It doesn’t sound very truthful.”

"But it's a white lie because we need to keep it secret we snacked since he doesn't like that."

“I don’t know… if he’d be upset I’d rather not do it.” Xiaojun wasn’t sure he could really keep it secret. If someone found out he’d get into trouble and punished, probably. Not to mention he didn’t want to lie and break someone’s trust. Honesty was much more important than some snack.

“Aw man, I’ve never seen it like that. Now I don’t want to anymore either. Okay, we can just tell him and listen to how it’s not good for our health.”

“Kun-Hyung said it wasn’t either. And being healthy is really important, isn’t it?”

Jeno bit his lip and considered.

“Actually, I’m not even sure why snacking is bad. I’ll have to ask Doyoung-Hyung.” He scratched his head. Xiaojun wasn’t sure why snacking was bad either, but he had been fed so frequently over the last week he hadn’t really gone hungry at any point. He’d be fine without snacks.

They arrived at the bus stop. Jeno had explained they were going to ride it earlier, and Taeil had given him money to pay for the fare. Xiaojun was a little excited to find out what it was like. He had been allowed to ride a car a few times when he had been little, and he remembered it to be very fun to go at such fast speed. He had never been on a bus before, but it couldn’t be too different.

The noticeable downside was that there were humans, too. They were waiting at the stop like them, and Xiaojun felt someone’s eyes on him. At first, he tried to ignore it, but it was like it was burning on his skin, through all the thick clothing he wore, and he quickly checked over his shoulder to see who the reason for his discomfort was.

It was a man, maybe in his mid-30s. He looked harmless, normal. But he wasn't. He was the type that's come on weekday evenings to "de-stress" after work and then check the street three times before slipping away. They'd usually be mean just because they could get away with it, would tell him it was his place and they couldn't help being nasty since they were so stressed.

When the human noticed Xiaojun was looking back, he whipped his head around, ignoring him. He was ashamed to go to a whorehouse; he wouldn’t want his friends or family to know.

But he still went.

Xiaojun stepped just a little closer to Jeno. It was fine. He wouldn’t do anything on the open street, where people could see. He was safe here. It wasn’t the dirty stage, where he had to sit and look pretty, so men, or occasionally women, would pay for his time. He no longer had to service, Taeil had promised him, and Taeil had trusted him to go with Jeno, so Xiaojun could trust him he really wouldn’t have to service anymore.

The bus arrived and stopped, the door opening and some people getting off. Jeno waited until the humans had stepped inside, before following. Xiaojun hurried after him, and the doors nearly closed around his tail, hadn’t he pulled it away just in time.

Jeno handed the driver some bills, which the man ignored at first, in favour of pulling into the traffic. Jeno stumbled and grabbed one of the poles, while Xiaojun was able to balance the sudden acceleration and turn.

Some human yelled a complaint from the back, where seats stretched on, and the man barked back that he was just doing his job, before grabbing Jeno's money. Xiaojun felt his fur stick up, and his ears drawback under his hat. The man was scary.

"Tag!" he grunted at Jeno and slammed the brakes to come to a halt at a red light.

Jeno unwrapped his scarf and leaned forward a little, the two metal pendants clinging against each other. The man grabbed them and ripped Jeno forward by pulling on them. Jeno had to take a step forward to keep himself from falling as he was forced down lower. Xiaojun watched in worry, his palms getting sweaty in his gloves. The man squinted at the engravings in the metal. Hybrids had to identify themselves to any human asking – so they knew they were registered and not strays. If he would be asked there was no escaping that. Just the thought of the stranger manhandling him like that, pushing him around without even asking, made his blood run cold.

The driver grumped something and let go of Jeno, who straightened back up. His eyes fell on Xiaojun and he wrinkled his nose in disgust, looking Xiaojun up and down like he had never seen anything as off-putting as him. “Go through.” He grunted and waved his hand, turning his attention back to the street.

Xiaojun should be glad he hadn’t had to lean down and have the man’s gross hands on him.

But instead his stomach sunk and he felt tears sting in his eyes.

Jeno pushed past the small gate that kept the back of the bus separated, the same moment as the bus surged forward once more, making him tumble down the small middle-path. Xiaojun followed, keeping his head down in shame.

“Do you want to sit down on the window, Hyung?”

“I don’t care.” He had no mind to find his own opinion right now. Jeno ate the non-answer and slipped into a double seat, taking the one by the window, while Xiaojun sat down next to him. He really didn’t want to have anyone passing by touch, so he’d scooted a little closer to Jeno.

He couldn’t stop thinking about the look the driver had given him. Was it because of the scar on his forehead? It had to be, right? Xiaojun still hadn’t dared to look but it felt like it was covered quite well by thick hair.

He had tried to think of inner values, but he couldn't just ignore his looks when they were the first thing anyone would notice about him. Even if Taeil told him there was more – that wasn't how normal humans thought, it wasn't what was taught.

“Hyung? Are you okay?” Jeno whispered, leaning closer.

Xiaojun realised a tear had started rolling down his cheek, and he hurried to wipe it away.

“Is it because the bus driver gave you a nasty look? It happens all the time. Donghyuck and Guanheng-Hyung get lots of them, sometimes even insults, just because they’re cats.”

Jeno patted his thigh. It felt like Xiaojun’s body got burnt from the touch. Together with the stress from the man at the bus stop and the reaction from the driver it was too much to handle right now. Quickly, he pushed Jeno’s hand away.

“Don’t fucking touch me.”

“S-sorry. I just wanted to cheer you up.”

Xiaojun didn't answer. He just wrapped his arms around himself and stared at the seat in front of him. The sooner this was over, the better. Why would people give cats nasty looks? Guanheng's visuals were impeccable, there was no reason to feel disgusted.

Meanwhile he…

Maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe he should just stay home. Surely, he’d mess up something yet again, and everything would be ruined!

Too bad they were already on their way and Xiaojun wasn't sure how to announce he wanted to not go without looking like he was greedy and ungrateful when Jeno was taking the time to come with him, and Taeil had paid for their trip with the bus.

 

There was a nice voice that announced stops, and the fifth one that was called was the one they had to get off at.

The buildings were a lot nicer here. Not that they weren't nice where Taeil lived, but here they were really nice. Expensive looking, sleek, polished cars were parked on the street, and Xiaojun felt quite misplaced. Once upon a time, this would have been where he'd have expected to end up when he had been unblemished and expensive, a good result of selective breeding in a high-end cat breed. Then again, he would have only been pretty there, right? With Taeil, he wasn't. Still, he felt out of place here, like a dirty, broken toy between shiny, new, fresh from the factory ones.

Jeno didn’t seem to share his worries, as he happily marched ahead. He knew exactly where he was headed to, and stopped right on the door of one of the tall buildings, where he pressed a number combination.

“Hello?” a tinny voice came from nowhere, making Xiaojun startle in surprise.

“Lele, it’s us, Jeno and Xiaojun-Hyung!” Jeno chirped. A moment later, the door buzzed and Jeno pushed it open.

The entrance hall was tiled with white marble, and Xiaojun stared around in wonder.

They took the elevator to the fifteenth floor, and Xiaojun very pointedly stared to the ground to avoid any look into one of the countless mirrors on all sides. Plus, he needed a focus point to keep from throwing up because of nervousness at this point.

When the metal doors slid open, he nearly wanted to stay despite the risk of the mirrors.

"Hi!" a voice called. Xiaojun forced himself to step outside and look up and found Chenle standing in one of the doors and waving.

Jeno pulled ahead and excitedly hugged the smaller dog, while Xiaojun made sure to wait until the two were finished from a safe distance.

Chenle beamed at him, but then his smile faltered “Is something wrong? You look like you cried!” he asked softly.

Xiaojun didn’t quite know how to answer. He didn’t want to annoy Chenle, but he also didn’t want to lie, “Uh… the bus ride was stressful.”

“The bus driver was pretty nasty.” Jeno huffed, touching his neck like he remembered where the leather must have cut into his skin.

“Oh, that sucks. They usually check your tags, right? I hate when that happens!” Chenle shook himself.

“Yeah, but he only checked mine in the most degrading way he probably knows, and then he just glared at Xiaojun-Hyung. Super gross. Really, Hyung, you shouldn’t pay them any mind, they’re just stupid and narrowminded morons!” Jeno looked offended in Xiaojun’s place. It was such odd behaviour, especially considering how Xiaojun had pushed him away not even an hour ago. He really had to be nicer to Jeno, yet each time he told himself to be, he ended up breaking the promise to himself.

“What an idiot! Yeah, totally don’t even give them a second thought!” Chenle nodded eagerly.

Both of them agreeing and telling him to not pay it any attention made Xiaojun feel a little better about the situation. If Chenle also knew this to happen, maybe it actually didn't have anything to do with Xiaojun personally?

That rose the new question of why bus drivers would discriminate against cat Hybrids? What was wrong with them? Was it because they were usually kept at home? There surely was a reason that everyone else knew, but him. He didn't want to ask.

Xiaojun left his shoes in a terribly messy entrance hall, that was only saved by the black marble floor making it look somewhat posh and expensive, and followed Chenle and Jeno to a huge living room. One whole wall was completely made from glass, giving a beautiful view. The kitchen was open design and looked quite messy, but not as messy as the entrance hall. Xiaojun was a bit confused why none of the Hybrids would clean up. Weren't dogs sold for household chores just as much as cats? Weird…

One of the doors leading from the living room opened, and Jisung came through it. He looked surprised for a split second, then his tail started wagging and he bounced towards Jeno. Xiaojun quickly hid behind Chenle, just in case. He didn’t want to scratch Jisung. Jeno still had the scabs from his nails on his neck.

“Hyung. I forgot you were coming.”

“That’s because your brain has the capacity of a particularly dumb goldfish.” Chenle chirped.

“Does not!”

“Anyway, Xiaojun-Hyung and I will be watching Harry Potter, so don’t bother us. _This way, over there’s my room.”_ Chenle grabbed his sleeve and tugged him along, similarly how he had done on Friday – respecting his boundaries but showing affection. 

“Wait! I have to establish boundaries!” Xiaojun remembered and Chenle stopped.

“Why?” he looked puzzled and Xiaojun felt a little embarrassed, but this was important!

“Just, uh, with Jisung.” Xiaojun turned to where the youngest stood, now half on Jeno’s back. The two stopped their wrangling. “Just, I was just wanting to make sure to.” He took a deep breath. He could do this! Kun had shown him how. It was important, so he didn’t repeat his mistake with Jeno, didn’t hurt Jisung. He didn’t want to do that. So, he had to clear things up in advance! He ignored the way his fingers were trembling and he felt sick from nervousness again, and continued: “I really don’t like being touched or, uh, ran towards? So, could you please not do that?”

"O-kay? That's kinda weird but sure."

“Jisung, don’t say that it’s weird if he doesn’t want it!” Chenle hissed and Jisung pouted.

It was weird, wasn’t it? Everyone else was just so… perfect. Xiaojun was the only weird, broken one, who couldn’t just behave like a normal Hybrid. “ _I don’t think it’s weird, just ignore Jisung he has no filter because he’s the youngest and gets away with everything. I know how it is, I used to be in his place. Now I’m a wise Ge, obviously, but we have to remember not all of us can be mature adults_.” Chenle explained with a sombre expression

Xiaojun nodded carefully. Jisung wasn’t wrong, he didn’t think he was, but it was nice to pretend. He felt so discouraged, he let Chenle pull him from the living room without asking Jisung a boundary to respect in return. He’d probably find that weird, too. Xiaojun couldn’t blame him, but it still made his heart sink and decide to stay away from him.

 

Chenle’s room was a lot bigger than the one Xiaojun shared with Yuta and Kun. The walls were painted a bright yellow, which matched the sheets on the big bed. His windows were just as huge as those in the living room, with big curtains on both sides, currently pushed open, carefully tied up on one side, and messily shoved into the corner on the other. There was a big wall unit, all from sleek wood and matching with the bed, the bedside table, and the desk, on top of which a big screen stood, as well as some books and notes thrown around. Xiaojun spotted the TV. It was almost as big as Taeil’s, mounted so you could watch it from the bed, several different boxes with glowing buttons underneath.

In between the perfect design and expensive-looking material, were some old plastic wrappings, socks, and what looked like a small box with a photo and text on top. ‘The Dark Knight Rises'. Maybe it was a type of book?

“ _Come in, come in, and get comfy!”_ Chenle chirped and hopped over to bounce on the bed. The upper layer moved, revealing it hadn’t been properly made, just quickly fixed to look like it had, “ _Wait, I forgot snacks! What do you like?”_

Xiaojun froze. Decision!

His brain blanked. Snacks, so food. He still didn’t have a favourite. If he said he didn’t care there was no consent, though.

“ _I like everything. Wait, no. I can’t snack, it’s unhealthy!”_

 _“What? Not at all?”_ Chenle gasped, looking horrified.

“ _K-Kun-Ge said I could, but I shouldn’t.”_

_“Okay, but you don’t have any condition that’d be a problem, do you?”_

_“No.”_ Xiaojun, luckily, was blessed with good health. He knew Hybrids who were sickly sometimes weren’t even raised to selling age by breeders, because it was too expensive. It had happened to one of the boys when he had been eight, the boy four at the time.

“ _Well, you can just snack a little bit, that won't hurt! I'll pick my favourites and you can figure out which you like. I'll be right back, you can move everything however you want if you don't want to share the bed, I also have the desk chair, but we can totally share."_

With that, he was back out the door and Xiaojun stood in the room helplessly.

He didn't mind sharing the bed if Chenle didn't…

Chenle had been nice. He hadn’t been condescending or reminded Xiaojun of how messed up he was. However, he had gotten invited here. What if that was connected to something in return?

It could be that he was nice for niceness sake. Like Taeyong had said. Friendship didn’t have to be paid for, Ten had said.

Carefully, Xiaojun sat down on the edge of the bed. It really was quite huge. He spotted three white puppy plushies, all a little different. One had floppy ears, one had very long, fluffy fur, and one had slightly bent ears. Chenle, Jisung, and Yangyang.

Xiaojun wondered what their relationship was like. They seemed to have been bickering the entire time he had been around, but if Chenle had their animal counterparts as night-companions, maybe he still cared for them? Like Doyoung and Taeyong arguing over the positioning of the toothpaste? Xiaojun wasn't familiar with that type of relationship or friendship. He'd have to look into it more, to figure out if Chenle was actually not being bullied by them and then come to a conclusion if maybe his initial assessment of Jisung and Yangyang hadn't been quite correct either.

“ _I’m back! So, I have Pringles, Flips, and gummy worms. Do cats have any restrictions in diet?”_

Xiaojun shook his head. Only bunnies had troubles with metabolism, making them vegetarians by nature.

“ _Great!_ ” Chenle threw the bags on the bed and followed right after. He picked up the remote from between the pillows, and the screen came to life. “ _Let’s get started. Eek, I’m so excited!”_

 

The film was good. It was easier to follow than the dramas. There was a Mandarin synchronisation, which lowered any language problems. The main characters were all relatively young, but their lives were quite adventurous – how Chenle apparently liked his own to be as well.

Xiaojun found the magic exciting, the nature stunning, and the castle intriguing.

And the scar on the main character’s forehead actually was sort of… there.

And it also did affect his life. Positively. Because, as Chenle had said, everyone knew who he was because of it. For him, it wasn’t anything worth losing sleep over in worry, it helped him and made his life better if anything.

No one would think Xiaojun was anyone remotely interesting, or recognise him as some long lost hero-figure by the cut in his forehead.

Additionally, to try and see himself in the part of Harry, there also was one major problem that didn’t let him see himself in this boy:

He was a human.

Xiaojun was a Hybrid.

The boy had rights, got an education, was just overall more important than any Hybrid could ever be.

It was still enjoyable, but it wasn’t relatable.

He also tried some of the snacks, but they were extremely salty and Xiaojun didn't really want to eat more than one or two of each to try. It was maybe the first time he didn't enjoy food.

By the time the end credits rolled and Chenle groaned from having eaten too much, Xiaojun was sad it was over. He had enjoyed himself, and he had done so even more because he felt welcomed and excited over Chenle spending his time with him.

“ _So? Was it good? Do you want to see the sequel? Who did you like?”_

_“There’s more?”_

_“Of course, this was only the first year, it’ll get super dark and dramatic, but also really political and emotional.”_ Chenle nodded, and his ears flopped around a bit. Xiaojun’s heart did a little flip: Chenle would want to have him back, to spend more time! He hadn’t fucked up anything!

“ _Yeah, that’d be great!”_

Chenle nodded happily and scrunched up the empty crisps bags.

_“So… can we do a bit of cuddling again?”_

Xiaojun had expected to be led to the door and seen off since they had finished what Chenle had invited him for. That he wasn't, meant Chenle wasn't bored. It meant they could spend more time and… do… friendship-building things. He nodded excitedly.

Chenle's hair was just as fluffy and soft as last time, and this time Xiaojun had time to appreciate how it felt under his fingers, no one was there to interrupt them.

The room was silent, save for the buzzing of the city the windows couldn't quite keep out, and Xiaojun lost himself in trying to track the single strands of white hair, and how they curled over Chenle's head in small waves. Chenle kept scooting closer until his head was in Xiaojun's lap, but he wasn't scared that anything might happen. It was just… peaceful.

“ _Do you still think scars are ugly?”_ Chenle eventually asked.

Xiaojun felt his stomach sink. Chenle had tried to change his mind, hadn’t he?

But his mind was unchanged.

He wished he could give Chenle the confirmation he felt he deserved, after putting in so much effort. In the long run, it’d come out that Xiaojun’s mind had actually not changed, though. Lies would always eventually come out and have negative consequences. He didn’t want Chenle to lie to him, so, he couldn’t do it in turn.

“ _I still think so, sorry.”_

 _“No, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me sorry. I mean, I get it, I have a lot of things I hate about my body that, well, I can’t really do much about. I thought I could maybe show you how to see it differently, but if it’s not enough I… get that. But I’ll still tell you I stand by my point of thinking they’re very cool and badass, maybe you can one day agree.”_ Chenle grinned at him from where he was lying.

It was so unexpected, but such a relief to hear these words. Xiaojun hadn’t known he’d feel this kind of validation from such a simple statement, but he did.

He was so happy to have met Chenle, even after only a few hours of knowing him. His instincts didn’t act up and make him push the other away, getting in the way of his wish to find many friends. Unlike the others, he was able to trust he wouldn’t hurt him and didn’t fear being too close, Chenle hadn’t even done anything extreme to prove himself, like the others he was able to overcome boundaries and extra-precautions. He was just… He was like a ray of sunshine in Xiaojun’s messed up head.

Again, tears of happiness pooled in his eyes, and Xiaojun quickly blinked them away.

“ _Let’s switch, I’ll return the favour!”_ Chenle chirped.

Xiaojun found himself betted on Chenle's lap, and it felt weird at first, but as Chenle started to gently run his fingers over his scalp, he started to relax. Chenle's thighs were very comfortable, just like Ten's. If there was no reason to fear anything being demanded to go further, this really was a great place to put his head.

A purr built in his chest, but Xiaojun was an expert at keeping them in.

He didn’t want to purr.

It reminded him of what he was, a Hybrid, and that he could never be treated as anything else. He couldn't hide his ears or his tail, he couldn't pass for a human with eyes that were bright blue and showed his slit pupils that no humans would have. Purring, however, he could suppress.

“ _I think cat ears feel so fragile! They’re so thin, I’m always worried.”_ Chenle mumbled.

_“Aren’t Jisung and Yangyang’s the same?”_

_“No, they’re thicker, and Jisung has so much fur. Plus I know I don’t have to worry about him. I always worry a little with yours. You’d tell me if you don’t like it, right? I know Guanheng doesn’t want me to fold his, even if it’s a joke. And Donghyuck hates being petted against the growth.”_

As long as it didn’t hurt, there wasn’t much Xiaojun didn’t like. He just really appreciated being petted in the first place.

“ _You won’t be mad if I tell you I don’t like it?”_ he softly asked.

“ _No, of course not! Promise!”_

Promise. This was the third already. Xiaojun swallowed. The other two hadn’t been broken, but there hadn’t been too much time to test them yet, so it was too early to be sure it was really safe to trust them.

 “ _Okay.”_

Xiaojun’s thoughts went back to their earlier topic.

“ _Uh, since you said you wouldn’t get mad, I was just wondering, what… what are you insecure about? You don’t have to say, just, since you… you said something really nice, maybe I could return the favour? Because I don’t see anything you’d need to worry over.”_ Maybe other than the scar on his arm, but as a dog, it wouldn't matter as much. 

Stop!

Xiaojun caught the thought of judging Chenle over some superficial, dumb criteria and immediately banned it. Chenle was obviously priceless because of his bright personality! That was how he wanted to measure peoples’ worth now, including his own.

“ _Aw, you're so sweet! You know, just that is already more than enough! Oh, wait! You could say: Chenle is really handsome!"_

 _“Chenle is really handsome!”_ Xiaojun enthusiastically announced.

“ _I need to hug you! Do you mind?”_

Xiaojun turned a little and opened his arms to invite the other. Chenle managed to lean forward and fold himself over him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders. He didn't press too tightly, just strong enough to make it feel safe and secure.

It was nice. So nice. It was a good thing he got to experience this. Did this… exist in… heaven?

It had to, right?

What if it didn’t…

Xiaojun tried not to think about it, but as Chenle nuzzled his nose into his sweater he started to really worry he might make a mistake in leaving this behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I know some worried something might go wrong – but I just can’t make Xiaojun get into a fight with Jisung, he’s still so tiny in this AU D: 
> 
> Anyway, my terrible paper has been handed it, but I still don't have time to write because GUESS WHO’LL SEE NCT IN LONDON IN TWO DAYS? Because of that, there most likely won’t be an update on Monday. I really don't know when it will come, I'm lagging behind on editing like a lame snail. I've broken 100k words in raw writing and I'm past the point of regret (possibly also sanity) sorry lol
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Surprise, today you’re getting Kun](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5bfa39aa56709200f6b7d6afc116830e/tumblr_ptsrw6hslh1v6bamko4_1280.jpg) by [Hazelnut](https://www.weibo.com/u/6011915755)
> 
> Quick concert recap: I had a lot of fun! My voice was gone half-way through, Johnny did Doyoung’s sexy dance, all stages were high energy, amazing vocals, Taeil is the cutest person omfg, Mark was surprised to find out in England they speak the English accent and too scared to give it a try, but Johnny and Jaehyun both did lol, the crowd loved Haechan in particular, the fanprojects went well and I think were appreciated, they promised to come back - I really hope they will and next time I’ll get better tickets lol (I had a job interview during pre-sales OTL).

Monday started well.

Kun took an extra minute to scratch Xiaojun's ears before they got up and Xiaojun nearly purred but didn't – obviously. Just the sign he would have certified the ear scratches as excellent.

He dressed in a comfortable knitted sweater with snowflake pattern and used the socks with the crocodiles all over he had saved for a special occasion. Having to go to see Yixing and suffering through more mind-reading was definitely an occasion that needed consolidation by cute socks.

That was when Monday stopped going well.

Xiaojun realised he was the only one going today when only Doyoung also fastened his collar. Doyoung didn't see any therapist, he just came to bring the others because he had time and didn't mind it. Obviously, that was very kind of him, but it didn't change it meant this was a Xiaojun-only event. Ten was at work, and Sicheng was knitting his horse-sweater, everyone was being useful and a valuable member of the household – but him. Xiaojun felt a bit upset over being the only one having to go twice.

He didn’t get why he had to in the first place when Yixing was obviously doing everything Taeil wasn’t. Yes, he had said Yixing could help him with becoming a better person, but at what cost? The anew loss of control. No, he’d have to try and fix himself instead – no one else could be trusted with this task. Surely, Yixing would give up eventually when he realised Xiaojun couldn’t be forced back into becoming a perfectly submissive Hybrid.

 “All bundled up?” Doyoung asked, hand already on the doorknob.

Xiaojun nodded. He had a jacket that apparently stemmed from someone called Mark, a hat from Taeyong, and gloves from Taeil. The same he had worn yesterday and Friday. It was his for now and he already felt a little attached. It was so nice to have his own comfortable things, that he found pretty on top.

“Perfect. Tyongie-Hyung, we’re leaving!” Doyoung called past him and opened the door.

“Are you dressed warmly? Remember to watch out for cars!” Taeyong yelled. The last times, he had even come to see them off. He seemed extra concerned when people left the house.

Thinking of, Xiaojun couldn’t remember seeing Taeyong himself ever leave over the last week. Well, it wasn’t all that out of the ordinary, for a cat. Or maybe outside seemed more dangerous to Taeyong, thus he’d make sure they’d all stay safe. It was very considerate.

 

A cold wind blew over the street today, and Xiaojun pulled his face into the collar of his jacket to keep his neck warm.

He should have asked for a scarf, but he was already getting so many things it felt wrong to. Perhaps he'd ask Kun in the evening. He didn't feel as bad when it was Kun. Kun was… well, he was approachable. Ten was trustworthy as well, but Ten was SO amazing a person in his head, admiration on his side kept him from wanting to annoy him more than with Kun. Not that he wanted to annoy Kun, but he had been very happy to answer questions until now, Xiaojun just felt a little more comfortable with him. Actually, he could maybe even ask Yuta. Yuta had already given him one of his sweaters on Sunday when Xiaojun had run out. Happy with the idea, he was able to bear the cold a little better.

There were no busses to take to the therapy office, but there were a lot of intersections with traffic lights, and it took a little while to get there. Last time, there had been others to make it feel comfortable. Today, Xiaojun felt awkward walking next to Doyoung, who kept checking he was still there every other second.

Eventually, the other seemed to find the silence too hard to stand, too.

"I kept wanting to ask you, but there was no good chance to, so maybe now is a good time. I would like to offer you some tutoring if you want to."

Xiaojun glared up at Doyoung, but unfortunately, it was a second when the bunny wasn't looking his direction.

“No.” He hissed back, diving deeper into his jacket.

He had listened in on Jeno's lessons a few times. Usually, they were interesting but very hard to understand, leaving him wondering over at least half the topics covered. There was no way he wouldn't humiliate himself! Why didn't Doyoung see that? Xiaojun wasn't smart enough for this!

“Okay, you don’t have to. I was just making sure because I know breeders usually don’t give much of an education.”

“I was taught.” Xiaojun snapped back, not wanting to let Doyoung discredit him. He was right, he hadn’t been educated much, but Xiaojun still didn’t want to accept to be treated like he was completely stupid. He knew all 500 Hanzi there were to learn for him, he knew how to read Korean, most of the time, he knew how to iron even the most complicated type of clothing, he could tell the different uses of cleaning agents, detergents, and possible replacements with household basics, knew what worked to get which kind of stain from fabrics, and how to care for different types of woods and metals that might be used in furniture or cutlery.

“Yeah, I was referring to maths and science, maybe history, sociology, or economics. I doubt they taught you that.”

Xiaojun felt anger boil in his stomach. Of course, they hadn’t. Why did Doyoung have to point that out? He knew he was stupid himself - he didn’t need to be told!

“I teach the kids at the orphanage, too. Jaemin sometimes, but he’s got Jungwoo-Hyung for the better part. I know how to teach, just so you know I’m not an amateur or anything.” Doyoung went on.

“I don’t fucking get why you think I need to know any of that bullshit. We both know I’d never understand anyway.” Xiaojun snarled and hoped Doyoung would let it go.

“Well, that’s no way to think. If you’ve never even tried, how can you know you won’t?”

Obviously, he knew that because it was all he had ever been told! How did Doyoung not understand that? He hated this, all of this, he just wanted to stop the conversation. Doyoung was pointing out all his flaws, and Xiaojun knew he was right, but it still felt awful and terrible. He hated everything, most of all he hated himself for his stupid brain.

“Can you shut the fuck up? If you want to act the genius, look for someone who gives a shit.” Xiaojun snapped and Doyoung looked at him in such utter surprise he was sure this would finally be enough to end the conversation. Satisfied with finally having his peace, Xiaojun turned away and crossed his arms.

“Okay, sorry, I was just saying that you shouldn’t judge before even trying. I understand it’s not something you’re familiar with. Maybe just broaden your horizon?”

Xiaojun didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to be reminded of how much of an idiot he was, he just couldn’t take this! He stared at the cars rushing by. If he stepped past Doyoung and onto the street… there was no way they’d brake fast enough.

No. He couldn’t. He had to think of Yuta and the Christmas carols there still were to learn! There had to be another way out of this situation.

“I said no, do you know the fucking meaning of that damn word?” Xiaojun gritted out.

Doyoung took a deep breath and nodded, “fine.”

The silence was still awkward, and Xiaojun realised that what he had just done really wasn’t something a nice person should and would be doing. He wanted to feel remorse, but he found himself not quite able to. Instead, his thoughts kept orbiting around what Doyoung had just made him overly aware of – that he was stupid and useless.

They walked the rest of the way in the same quiet, but Xiaojun was in a terrible mood when he stepped into Yixing’s office, and when he saw the doctor’s beam it only got worse.

_“Welcome back! I hope you had a nice weekend; did you do something fun?”_

Xiaojun dropped on the same beanbag he had spent the last Friday on and hugged his legs to his chest, staring at the ground to avoid having to look at Yixing in his ugly yellow sweater.

“ _Yes.”_

_“Wonderful. Would you like to tell me about it?”_

_“Fuck no.”_

_“How unfortunate. Well, I prepared a relaxation method for today we can do together!”_ Yixing cheerfully settled on the pillows opposite of Xiaojun.

 

The relaxation method was a waste of time. Obviously. Everything Yixing suggested would be a terrible idea, what else?

When he announced that, Yixing asked why and Xiaojun found himself unable to reason, and in the end, he felt even more frustrated because he didn't want to accept it wasn't a waste of time if only for the reason that it had come from Yixing and he didn't like him.

He was a human. There was no way it was safe to trust him. Just how he couldn’t trust Yukhei, despite Chenle apparently adoring him, and him giving Xiaojun the wonderful towels. Taeil was receiving the most he could put into any of them because Taeil let him decide things and trusted him. He was really good, for a human. But Yixing would want to take that away, Xiaojun couldn’t let him do that.

 

When he could finally go home, he just wanted to lie down somewhere and sleep. Not even the prospect of being able to rehearse the carols until lunch would cheer him up. His original bad mood had turned into a terrible one and mixed with exhaustion from the mental gymnastics he had had to do to keep up with Yixing.

Unfortunately, when they were on the second intersection from Yixing’s office, Doyoung started the earlier conversation again.

“So, I think I maybe approached it badly earlier, but about the tutoring…”

Xiaojun had said no. He didn’t want to talk about this. Why didn’t Doyoung respect his boundary?

There was only one way Xiaojun knew how to make someone stop, who wouldn’t listen. His hand flew before he could reason any more if this was acceptable or not, and he landed a punch on Doyoung’s padded jacket.

The first followed another and another, he kept putting in more force to let all the frustration out. He couldn’t talk about this, he just couldn’t! He couldn’t make it obvious he was useless in how Doyoung expected him to work, because he didn’t fit in with the others, he wasn’t perfect and amazing, he was broken and ugly.

Somewhere in the back of his head was a voice telling him violence wasn't the answer, but he easily ignored it. Hitting and fighting back had always been the way to go. It was easy to fall back into using old patterns, and it gave him an easy outlet for anger and fear. Doyoung was definitely backing away from him, and Xiaojun felt weird satisfaction but at the same time realised: maybe it wasn't an outlet because the anger didn't go anywhere. If anything, it got worse as his hits grew stronger. Xiaojun just didn't know how to stop it, so, he kept going.

Until Doyoung grabbed his wrists and restrained him.

The grip was tight and awfully familiar. His body immediately knew what would come next: clothes would be pulled off him and men would use him however they wanted. He could feel the hands all over his bare skin, slapping harder than necessary, forcing him into positions he didn't want to be in, pain pulsing through his muscles. It suddenly no longer felt like it was Doyoung in front of him, but some generic customer. Xiaojun threw himself back to try and break free. Blind panic flooded through his veins. He needed to get away, he couldn't service anymore, he'd sooner die!

“Xiaojun, please stop this, violence is no way to communicate.”

Doyoung's voice sounded muffled like it had filtered through layers of cotton. Xiaojun thrashed, trying to escape his grasp, but Doyoung easily held onto him, at advantage height and weight wise – and obviously also in strength.

“I hate you! Let go of me!” Xiaojun yelled and kicked blindly towards where Doyoung had to be judging from his hold. He just needed to get away. He snapped at the hands holding him, biting down on soft flesh until the grip loosened. He felt his foot hit something, and Doyoung finally let go.

Xiaojun turned in his spot and ran over the street, not checking if the traffic light was green. He reached the other side but didn’t stop. He knew how to get back to Taeil’s flat from here. He had paid good attention. It was his way out. Without looking back, he ran towards where he knew he was safe.

 

The high rise was easy to spot, and the sign reading “Heaven” was big on the front.

It hadn't been by chance that Xiaojun had chosen this to seek refuge. He hadn't expected it to be a doctor's office, but the word woke hope. Just like back then, it also did today. Xiaojun ripped open the front door and took two stairs with each step until he reached the door to the reception room.

Ten looked up from behind the desk when he stumbled inside, gasping for air and only now slowly feeling the fear leave his system and his head clear.

“Xiaojun? Where’s Doyoung?” Ten asked, looking alarmed.

Xiaojun halted in his tracks.

The buddy system promise.

He had broken it!

He had broken the promise and all the trust put into him!

He was no better than everyone who had gone and stabbed him in the back before!

“I… I…”

“Did something happen?” Ten pressed, coming around the desk with a worried expression.

“N-no. I. Yes, I…” a sob ripped through Xiaojun’s words. Ten was next to him now, gently putting a hand on his arm and rubbing it.

"No? Did nothing happen? But where is Bugs Bunny?"

"I-I messed up. I broke the-the promise to Taeyong-Hyung and I misbehaved again." Putting into words what had just happened made it sound even worse than he had already known it to be. He had really overstepped all the lines! Xiaojun felt like devastation over his own failure made it hard to breathe through the tears, "I… I'm a terrible person!" He didn't deserve this attention he got here, nor the patience. He tried to pull away from Ten because he knew it was wrong how Ten kept putting energy into him when it was useless, there was no fixing him.

However, Ten didn’t let himself be shaken off, “Okay, no one is a terrible person here, especially not you. You ran away from Doyoung?”

Xiaojun nodded, but he couldn’t even look up, tears running down his cheeks. An arm was wrapped around him now, and Ten gently pulled him behind the desk.

“It’s okay, you came right back and you’re fine, right? Do you hurt anywhere? I’ll give Doyoung a call, so he doesn’t have to worry.”

If he broke his promise, everyone else would break theirs, too, right? That was how that worked, wasn’t it?

Why would Doyoung worry, he shouldn’t, there was no reason to worry over Xiaojun!

Still, that was what Ten was doing. He kept patting his back as he informed the other that Xiaojun was with him, and greeted patients coming in for an appointment.

Xiaojun didn’t deserve anyone being so nice to him. He was such a failure at everything!

“Are you hurt anywhere?” Ten repeated his question, and Xiaojun shook his head, “Good, see, nothing bad happened. It will be okay.”

“No! I… I betrayed the promise and I ruined everything.” Xiaojun sobbed.

“A little running away from Doyoung doesn’t ruin everything, especially when you came right back here.”

“But I also bit him!”

"Oh. Well, I'm sure he'll live. Do you know what I did when I was new here? Actually, I wasn't even that new, and I still did it. I got very scared by men making inappropriate comments outside and ended up not only hurting Jeno but also running away from Doyoung. Doesn't that sound familiar? Only I didn't go back home, but I hid, god knows where, thinking they wouldn't want me back for being so mean. That was peak worrisome behaviour, but I was still forgiven because it can happen that you stop thinking rationally out of fear, not out of bad intention. It'll be okay."

“R-really?” Xiaojun looked up at Ten’s blurry form. It sounded really familiar, including Jeno becoming collateral. To think Ten would have done something like that… well, it kinda made Xiaojun’s actions seem less terrible. Still quite awful, but just a bit less.

“Yep. Back then, everyone went to look for me. Because they care about me. Just how we care about you. We have to talk about what happened and find a solution, so it doesn’t happen again, but this isn’t the end of anything. No one expects everything to go smooth and be rainbows and unicorns. Not everything is as easy as it seems, hm?”

“You d-don’t think Taeil-Hyung will want me to leave?” he carefully asked, “Or… Taeyong-Hyung?”

“I’m really sure for Taeil-Hyung to want any of us to leave we’d have to set his house on fire. Actually, he’d probably still understand and make sure we got new clothing before himself. I can’t speak for Taeyong-Hyung, but if you’re ready to talk and help us understand what happened, to find a way to keep it from repeating itself, that would make a good base for an apology. He’s not too resentful.”

The door opened, and a huffing and puffing Doyoung came inside, his face pink from cold and exhaustion.

“Speaking of resentful.” Ten chuckled.

 

Luckily, he didn’t have to go with Doyoung, and he didn’t have to explain everything yet when he didn’t even know what to say. He couldn’t even look at the bunny, but hid behind Ten, feeling utter shame and embarrassment. He was allowed to stay and calm down until the lunch break.

Calm down, or rather think about all the ways in which he had fucked up and why there was no reason for him to be accepted back, much less forgiven.

Hitting Doyoung had felt good at the moment - but realising it had been wrong and he had broken his own promise was actually worse than being physically punished for being disobedient. Never before had Xiaojun realised why violence wasn't helpful in the long term. Before coming here, it had been because violence meant he'd get hurt in punishment after. In some situations, it had been easier to ignore that and there hadn't been any other option to make himself be listened to.

However, the circumstances now were different. People here would try and listen, he’d get the respect he had been denied before. He felt like he genuinely understood why it wasn’t a good idea to blindly hurt someone just because they weren’t doing what he wanted them to. Yet he had still done it. The realisation only made him feel worse about the whole situation and put more blame on the only place he knew where: his stupid head.

He was stuck in a mess he had brought upon himself and didn’t know a way out of. Would an apology really be enough here? It couldn’t, he had broken promises, he had hurt Doyoung, he had done way too much. Obviously, a punishment would be unavoidable. Even then, he’d understand if he wouldn’t be forgiven, really, it’d be almost insane to have the audacity to expect to be.

Some people gave him confused looks, but he tried to be very un-bothersome, just sitting on the edge of Ten’s desk and not crying – at least not too loudly. The pack of tissues was steadily shrinking, showing the proof of how terribly he was doing at his self-imposed resolutions once again.

Ten did the same thing he had done when Xiaojun had been here the first time – he answered calls in a polite voice, he scheduled patients and it all seemed so well-organised and professional. In between, he even found time to pat his leg or arm to reassure him.

Xiaojun was once more impressed by how amazing a person Ten was. Obviously, everyone would go and look for Ten, even if he made a small or not that small mistake. Xiaojun didn’t even do anything other than making mistakes, how could he even dare to compare himself to Ten?

 

Kun came by once, to fetch something from the fridge where important medication was being kept.

He put a cold, wobbly, small pillow into Xiaojun’s hands. “For your eyes, it helps against swelling.” Kun smiled and Xiaojun carefully put if where his face was tender and probably red and swollen. It felt nice and soothing. Xiaojun nearly cried again because it was so kind and thoughtful.

 

Yuta also came. He put a small candy bar on the desk next to Xiaojun.

“It’s doctor’s prescribed chocolate to feel better.” He explained, “You eat it and – tadaa – you feel all better!”

Xiaojun eyed it. It looked like normal chocolate to him. His doubt must have been obvious, Yuta quickly added:

“Okay, that might have been slightly overexaggerated, but it can really help you feel better.”

Yet again, tears welled up in Xiaojun’s eyes.

“But… I don’t… Didn’t I…” he hiccupped. Why were they trying to comfort him? Didn’t he deserve punishment rather than pampering? “I messed up; I should be punished.”

Yuta picked the chocolate back up, and Xiaojun felt a little sad to see it go, but it was the right to do. Then, Yuta started unwrapping it and broke off a small piece.

"Say Aaah."

Xiaojun did as asked, feeling pretty silly.

Yuta reached forward and put the piece of chocolate into his mouth. Confused, Xiaojun closed his lips around it. It was sweet on his tongue and immediately started to melt.

“I’m sure Ten already told you, but there won’t be punishment. Taeil-Hyung believes everything can be fixed by positive reinforcement since we all are rationally thinking beings. Wait, I think Taeyong once gave Jaemin solo-dishwashing-duty for a whole week because he repeatedly did things he wasn’t supposed only for the sake of breaking the rules. Ah, yes, rebellious youth.”

Xiaojun wanted to argue that he had broken the promise to Taeyong, which had to be far worse. What if Taeyong would give him dishwashing duty for a week? Just the thought made him tremble in fear. When he opened his mouth, Yuta put in another piece of chocolate and Xiaojun found himself busy chewing and unable to talk without spitting everywhere.

“I know for sure you’re not a little brat like Jaemin, so, no punishment for you. Anyway, do you feel the effect of the feel-better-chocolate already? It’s made with milk from very happy Swiss cows, so it says.”

“Yuta-Hyung, that’s just the company trying to sell you their shit.” Ten argued.

"Well, I believe them. There was a happy cow on the packaging, too. Not on this, but the bag these small ones came in. I'm sure the happy energy of the cow transferred to the chocolate." Yuta nodded and Xiaojun couldn't help a chuckle. He knew where milk came from, it had often been explained in books and cartoons he used to watch as a kitten, so he knew Yuta was just joking around, "There's the proof, I rest my case." Yuta bowed dramatically.

Actually… Xiaojun really did feel better. The reassurance there wouldn’t be punishment was a huge relief. Yuta was trustworthy. He wouldn’t lie.

“Thank you, Yuta-Hyung.”

“You’re welcome. Here, finish this so the full effect can unfold. Remember, it’s doctor’s prescription, so it’s important to follow it, this is not snacking.”

Xiaojun opened his hands and Yuta paused from where he had just been about to put the chocolate back on the desk. Instead, he let it drop into Xiaojun’s palms – without touching him.

 

When it was time for the lunch break and Xiaojun had to sit down in one of the treatment rooms in the back, where Taeil and Doyoung were already waiting, worry started to creep up on him again.

He had assured Ten he’d be fine on his own, but looking around he wasn’t so sure anymore. Taeil looked a little tired and Xiaojun felt it was his fault. There was a white bandage around Doyoung’s hand, where he had bitten. His initial determination crumbled, and Xiaojun suddenly wished he had someone with him.

 "Alright, you two. I think there was some miscommunication, wasn't there?" Taeil started, "I'd like for each of you to retell what happened for your point of view, so we can find out where it went wrong. That way you can understand the other person better in the future."

Xiaojun fumbled with the hem of the sweater he was wearing. Where should he even start to find out where things had gone wrong with him. Years ago, probably…

“I can go first.” Doyoung offered, much to his relief, “I talked to Xiaojun because I wanted to offer tutoring. But,” he took a deep breath, “because you blocked me off completely, without even considering, I kept pressing. I might have worded it a little too strongly, but I honestly was a bit frustrated. I know breeders don’t teach bunnies or cats much because I wasn’t, nor was anyone else in the family, it’s basically common knowledge that they don’t. So, I didn’t think it was a stretch to assume you weren’t educated as well. I… I might have come off a bit too condescending, I know I sometimes come off as a snobby know-it-all. Sorry.”

Xiaojun felt uncomfortable.

Yes, he had felt belittled, but he didn’t know what to do with this apology. It was unexpected. Of course, it made sense: Doyoung had realised exactly what he had done to push Xiaojun and get to the place where he’d hit. Still, he didn’t feel right accepting it when he himself had much worse to be forgiven for.

But if he didn’t, it’d be rude, wouldn’t it? He pulled stronger on the hem, trying to let off the stress the situation was giving him.

“I’m also sorry for bringing the topic back up after you told me you didn’t want to talk about it, again, I felt frustrated and I also felt like I had worded it badly and wanted to try again. No means no, I overstepped there, I’m very sorry for breaking your boundary.”

Doyoung sounded perfectly collected and reasonable. But if he had done it once, why not do it again? He shouldn’t just agree and trust him to stick by his word next time.

Thinking about it, hadn’t Xiaojun just done the same? He had broken his promise to Taeyong, but he really didn’t want to do it again. It hadn’t even been the first time! He had also failed in being nicer to Jeno.

He would probably mess up again.

Should he even trust himself?

How could he extend that if he couldn’t answer the first question yes?

“Xiaojun, could you help us understand why you reacted so strongly to Doyoung’s suggestion, and why you reacted the way you did when he brought it back up?” Taeil asked.

Couldn’t Taeil just… strike him, maybe pull his ear, and then it’d be taken care of?

Xiaojun didn't want to talk. He didn't want to tell them he was dumb and a lost cause and his brain was fucked up.

It felt similar to the times when Yixing asked him how he came to a certain judgement and he had to argue to defend it. It was so hard!

“If we cannot find a solution, the situation might repeat itself. I worry if you run over a red traffic light, something could easily happen to you. I don’t want to have to tell you to stay home, but if you risk your health, it might be too dangerous.”

Xiaojun nodded. Could he just accept not being allowed to leave as punishment and avoid this conversation?

If so, he couldn’t see Chenle anymore. He wouldn’t really be forgiven, either. It’d just be, well, punishment, and then nothing would have changed. That was the opposite of what Xiaojun was trying to achieve. He had to talk, just how Doyoung had, even if it meant admitting what he was ashamed of.

 “I, I really didn’t want to talk about… about uhm, being… dumb.” He whispered the last word.

“Not being given an education doesn’t mean-“

“Doyoung, let’s let Xiaojun finish. Please go on.”

“So, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about it. I don’t know why I hit you, it just maybe made sense in my head, because you didn’t stop when I said no?” Xiaojun heard a small ripping sound from his sweater and let go of the over-stretched hem. “I’m sorry.” He knew it wasn’t enough but he didn’t know what else to say.

There was a moment of quiet before Taeil spoke again: "It was an unfortunate situation, but we found the reasons on both sides, I believe. Doyoung already said he will remember to respect your boundaries in the future to avoid it from happening again, however, it could arise in a similar situation, with another person who might not realise the importance of the boundary you put, or might have misunderstood. It can easily happen in social interactions, communication is a very fickle thing with many variables that can lead to these misunderstandings. Making mistakes is a very people thing to do. If that happens again, instead of resorting to hitting someone, how about you use words to remind them why they're out of place and make you uncomfortable?"

Xiaojun shifted in his place. He wanted to say yes. So it’d be over with, and because it sounded like much better person behaviour. He wanted to be a better person.

“What if I forget?” it wasn’t unlikely that would happen. He hadn’t really thought much before hitting Doyoung either and he had forgotten about his buddy-system promise as well, despite it being so important to him. And to Taeyong, whom he had pinky-promised it to.

"Then we'll have another talk, clear everything up, and the next time you try again. Like I said before, change takes time, it can be weeks, months, or even years. It's a lot of work, and making mistakes is normal and okay. The important part here is that you're willing to put that work in and don't just think it's not going to help anyway and don't even try. I know you're working so hard, and you've already succeeded in small steps, which is wonderful and something to be proud of. I know there are many things to remember, to the point where it can be overwhelming. Forgetting one or two sometimes because there's just too many is also normal and okay. With determination, it will get easier and easier, but taking time to get there is something you need to allow yourself to do."

“I… don’t think I made any improvements.” Xiaojun was really very extra sure on this.

“How about that going to Yukhei’s with Jeno on Sunday? Jeno said the bus driver was very rude and upset you, and he ended up touching you. You didn’t hit him, despite him overstepping a boundary. Instead, you reminded him of it.”

Xiaojun considered that. He had still felt like such a horrible person back then, but Taeil was right, it hadn’t been as terrible a reaction as it could have been.

“And the buddy system break?”

“You realise that was not a good idea, don’t you?”

“No. I… I promised Taeyong-Hyung, too.” Xiaojun felt miserable.

"So, if, for some reason, you were upset again, and hit Doyoung, or anyone else, because you didn't remember to not at the moment, would you break it again?"

“I… I don’t want to, but I didn’t want to break it in the first place, I was just… because he held my wrists it was really scary and I thought of how my customers would also always do that and that’s why.” Xiaojun wrapped his arms around his torso, trying to forget the sensation.

“So that didn’t have anything to do with Doyoung overstepping?”

“I’m… not sure?”

“It’s being held here, right?” Taeil gestured to his own wrists, mirroring the exact grip like he magically knew. Xiaojun nodded. “I held you there, too, was that as terrible?”

Xiaojun couldn’t possibly answer that! He was a human! He couldn’t say yes! But he vividly remembered how Taeil had immobilised him for the bandage changes. It had been just as bad.

“I’m very sorry for triggering such a terrible memory. It’s a learning experience for me, too. That’s why it’s so helpful to talk about these things, so we all understand and can keep you safe by avoiding them. Now that I know it, I will know not to do it in the future, as does Doyoung.” Taeil softly explained, obviously having understood the silence yet again.

It kind of made sense: Just talk about everything and be fine.

There were just two big problems:

Xiaojun didn’t want everyone to know all the shit that was wrong with his head, and he didn’t want to be annoying when he seemed to constantly have a problem with everything instead of behaving like a normal Hybrid should and would.

“When you ran, you came straight here. Was that your goal?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because here it’s safe?”

"Good, good, oh very good, that's a relief. If in the future, despite not wanting to, you were to run away again because a situation was so overwhelming you couldn't help it, would you come here again?"

Xiaojun considered it. “I don’t have any other place to go.”

“And here it’s safe?”

“Yes.”

"Good. You remember the reason why I asked you to follow the buddy-system was that you tried to kill yourself and I'm very worried you might try again, right?" Xiaojun bowed his head deeper and nodded, "I understand that sometimes there might be situations in which you're so overwhelmed you react irrationally. As I said, that's okay. However, your safety is very, very important to me. Can we make a back-up promise, in case such a situation arises again despite all of us trying? So I can worry a little less?"

"Y-you can lock me up if you feel better. It's okay." Xiaojun didn't want to make the human worry about him, what kind of fucked-up situation would that be?

“I feel no satisfaction from abusing another person just because I legally could. It goes against my morality. By locking you up, I’m not giving you the chance to improve and grow, that’s not what I want at all.”

“But how can you be sure I won’t break that backup-promise, too?”

“I can’t. Nothing in life is ever certain. That’s why I trust you to not. I will do my best to ensure this place is the safe heaven you want to return to, just how you did this time. That’s all within my power, and that’s my due diligence. Everything else I trust in you.”

“B-but… I’m just a Hybrid, why would you do that?”

“I don’t think you’re just a Hybrid. You are a Hybrid, meaning, you have 99.999% the same genetic code as me, save for some tiny changes that allow you to have some more instincts supporting your behaviour, you have better senses than me, and you even have a full extra appendage. Other than that, we’re on the same level of cognitive and emotional capabilities. I know you’re inferior to me in nothing, possible superior in some aspects. I want to support you, help you grow, overcome a terrible past inflicted by humans, and offer you a home, but I don’t want to dictate your life. You have free will. Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t force you to do anything you don’t want to, I can only try and help you make decisions that keep yourself safe and healthy. I know I can trust you to try your best, which is all that I ask in return.”

Xiaojun felt a tear drop onto his soft sweatpants, where it left a dark spot.

“I will try my best, I promise!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Ten&XJ&SC](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D-c0fRJUEAYTHFt.jpg)  
>   
> I’m sorry this is late TT TT

The others were almost finished with lunch by the time Xiaojun, Doyoung, and Taeil arrived upstairs. Xiaojun didn't even feel hungry. Like through a miracle, it seemed that he had been able to fix everything, with Doyoung and with Taeil. Not everything was ruined, how he had feared, but there was still a person left he owed an explanation and apology to before really having done his best in making it right again.

 

He waited until they were all finished eating, let Kun and Ten give him encouraging hugs and pats, and confirmed to Yuta that he had finished his chocolate as he had said.

When the flat was relatively quiet again, the water from dishwashing had been turned off, and Sicheng was in the living room, trying to win a fight with a box of sparkling tinsel, that Jeno was sabotaging, he snuck back into the kitchen.

And immediately hesitated. Doyoung was doing something with a book and a small box that beeped, while Taeyong scribbled on a long list. Doyoung poked his own finger and took a little blood.

“Hi Xiaojun, I didn’t see you there, is something wrong? You look a bit pale.”

“Uh… is, uh, Doyoung-Hyung…” Xiaojun watched in slight worry as Doyoung seemed to feed the box the blood - what on earth was going on there?

Taeyong looked but seemed unbothered. “Oh, he’s just measuring his blood sugar.”

Having finished, Doyoung looked up from his bloody ritual and nodded.

“I have Diabetes. My body can’t produce insulin anymore, which is like a little messenger in my blood, needed to let cells know they have to take in glucose, or sugar.”

Xiaojun nodded slowly. So, Doyoung was sick. Was that why he was with Taeil? He didn’t seem sick, though…

“I didn’t know that.”

“It’s okay, it’s not really visible. Luckily, I don’t have too many drawbacks from this, I just have to make sure I don’t go above or below certain sugar levels, which is why I need to check to make sure I gave my body enough insulin.” Doyoung wrote a number into his book and closed it, packing everything up into a small bag.

He behaved like Xiaojun wasn't responsible for the bandage on his hand and like nothing had happened at all. Plus, Doyoung had explained it so well he had understood it without a problem. Xiaojun wished he could apologise again, but that might become annoying at this point.

Instead, he turned to Taeyong, because things with him hadn’t been cleared up yet.

“Taeyong-Hyung, I’m very sorry for breaking the promise I made to always have someone with me. I-I didn’t mean to make you sad, I’m really sorry I wasn’t able to live up to the trust you put into me.” Xiaojun dropped into a deep bow and bit back tears. No more crying today! No one benefitted from tears! He had already done so well during most of the apology to Doyoung and Taeil, he could not-cry right now, too.

“You don’t have to… it’s okay, you can straighten up, please.”

Xiaojun held to bow for another second, then did as asked, quickly combing his bangs in place so they’d be hiding his scar well.

"I won't say I'm not sad, because I was when I heard what happened." Xiaojun nodded and dropped his head, more disappointment with himself flooding him, "I'm very relieved nothing happened, and at the end that is the reason for our promise, you remember, right? It's to make sure you stay healthy. From how I see it, that's the more important part and you haven't broken that. You'll work hard so next time you can remember the promise, right?"

Xiaojun nodded, not trusting his voice.

“Then it’s okay, I forgive you, and I know you do deserve my trust.”

With so many people trusting him, Xiaojun really wanted to show them all he was worthy of it. Actually, if everyone put their trust into him, couldn’t he do the same in turn?

What if it was a trap, though?

What if they’d have him believe all these lies and then make him pay for it even worse in the end?

Could he trust this, if it seemed to easy? Wasn’t that a clear sign to not?

No, he’d better keep away.

It was too risky to trust any of them.

Wouldn’t it be nicer to?

It sure would be…

Xiaojun spent the afternoon watching the installation of a lot of sparkling tinsel all over the shelves that just screamed at him to bat and play with it, but he managed to hold back, practising his carols softly, folding laundry, and drawing some more.

By now, he had tried himself on the same old flower field so many times, he was actually bored to the point of being annoyed by it, so, he decided to try something else. The fir tree was still bare, save for one straw star Sicheng had hung on its branches, so it shouldn’t be too hard to get it right.

It turned out, it was. Or maybe Xiaojun was just bad at drawing. Or a mixture of both. But the finished result looked like he had just angrily scribbled a lot of green over the page.

Surrendering to the cruel reality that was missing drawing skills, Xiaojun helped set the table for dinner.

 

The TV Dramas they were watching still were puzzling at best, but Xiaojun could appreciate the aspect of spending time together, and he wouldn’t pass any opportunity to cuddle.

Kun was better for hugs and curling up against, but Ten gave better head massages. To get the best of both, Xiaojun tried to get a space next to either alternatingly.

The problem was that it was a battleground to get a seat at all. There were too many people and too little sofa-space.

“S-sorry, would it be okay if I sat there, or is that too tight?” Xiaojun really wanted to sit next to Ten, but there already were three people on the couch and that was pretty much the limit for how many could fit.

“We can squeeze together!” Ten patted the small gap, but Yuta started to get up.

“Wait, I don’t want to steal your place, it’ll just sit on the ground then.”

“No, I was just, I can’t not touch you if we sit there, it’s fine, I’ll sit somewhere else.”

Xiaojun bit his lower lip, hesitating for a moment. He still had that rule with Yuta, obviously, but… why even? He knew he couldn’t trust everyone here, no matter how much he tried to reason it’d be fine, the doubts were still too strong. But Yuta was just as safe as Kun and Ten!

“You can, I don’t need you to not anymore.”

Yuta halted where he was, in a weird half-crouch, hovering over the sofa. Jeno, who was hogging Ten’s other side, looked up from where he had seemed to already be half asleep seconds ago, eyebrows pulled up in a puppy-eyed expression.

“Wait, like, completely?”

“Uh, yeah.” Xiaojun nodded. Yuta dropped himself back down on the sofa, a beam taking over his face, and he started to also eagerly pat the small space between him and Ten.

It was just as tight a fit as expected, but Xiaojun had never minded small spaces. However, the even nicer part was that, after reassuring that he’d be fine with that, Yuta started to slowly first wrap and arm around him, then he weaved a hand into his hair, starting to scratch behind his ears and eventually, after Yuta had claimed Xiaojun his territory and pushed away Ten, he found himself half-folded over the Beagle, body completely relaxed and in bliss from the attention the other was showering him in.

In between not even being sure he could trust his own word anymore, this place next to Ten and Yuta felt like a safe spot where no doubts raised their ugly heads in his mind, warning him to not break his resolution to not trust anymore, reminding him everyone would betray him at some point.

Especially after the ups dan downs of the day, it felt like he could use Yuta’s warmth as a way to recharge an empty battery.

 

Later, after he had let Taeyong blow-dry his hair and tried his best to return the favour on Ten, though with questionable success, Xiaojun slithered under Kun’s blanket again. Having him right there helped him sleep tightly and without any nightmares.

 

The next morning, when Xiaojun had decided drawing the Christmas tree simply wouldn’t happen, and was left with nothing to do again, he thought it was maybe a good time to figure out his duties. No one had come and given him any, so, he would go and ask for them.

Communication! It was important to tell others things!

And this was a really easy one - who would turn him away from taking chores?

Xiaojun felt good about his reasoning, very little worry lingering as he waited by the bathroom door for Taeyong to finish transferring laundry from the washing machine to the dryer.

“Hey, could you give me a hand, I need to empty the water tank.”

Water? Xiaojun felt his initial good feeling and relaxation fade into a buzz of anxiety.

“Uh…”

“Don’t worry, you only have to hold this!” Taeyong gestured at a plastic door on the dryer. Xiaojun carefully stepped inside and took it from the other’s hand, making sure to avoid touching him in the process, and also standing as far away as his arms’ length would allow.

“Great, thanks.” Taeyong easily pulled out what had to be the water tank and dumped it into the sink. Xiaojun felt his fur stick up at the sound of the water splashing against the ceramics. Why was he the only one around here scared of this? Didn’t they have their instincts scream at them to get away? None of the other cats he had grown up with had not been scared of falling water, it was a natural instinct as far as he knew.

Maybe it didn’t apply for the others? Taeyong was humming under his breath as he dried the opening off and came back to the dryer to push it back into place. Relief spread over Xiaojun’s body when everything was back in place, no more danger from any water threatening to splash, and the whirring of the tumbler started filling the bathroom.

“So, uh, Hyung? I was just wondering if there were maybe fixed chores I could do? To help?”

Taeyong stopped his humming.

“Absolutely, if you want to, that’s great! Come on, we’ll have a look at the schedule together.”

Taeyong took him to the kitchen and pulled a sheet of paper from the fridge door, where it was held with a heart-shaped magnet. Xiaojun had seen the paper many times, but he had never bothered reading it, not feeling like it’d be addressing him and not wanting to go through the effort of trying to read and translate.

“Do you have a preference? Laundry, cleaning, anything?”

A preference. So… a favourite? Like food? Xiaojun had never even considered deciding of a favourite chore, what reason to could there possibly be?

“No, I haven’t had the chance to make a decision on that yet.” He softly answered.

 "That… that's okay, that's a really great way to say it, I'm so proud of you!" Taeyong did the reaching out thing again but quickly dropped his hand. 

“Why are you proud? You haven’t… don’t anything?”

"No, no, I'm proud of you because you didn't try to evade the answer, nor tried to twist and make the question seem ridiculous," Taeyong explained and Xiaojun felt both a little angry at that and, well… maybe he had done that in the past? Maybe Taeyong had felt mistreated similarly how he had, had felt disrespected when he had just been nice. Xiaojun wasn't sure how to differentiate between those questions actually condescending, and those he might have just misunderstood, like Taeyong's offer to blow-dry his hair. "Let's see. So, this is the schedule. We have to do laundry every day, but Sunday, there's cooking, here's shopping, cleaning, and obviously, we also have to do routine extra washing and extra cleaning, so that's here, and then we have an extra field for special tasks if they arise, which is this one."

Xiaojun had lost Taeyong in the ocean of Hangeul after the first category.

“Hm, how about you do some variety? Maybe… laundry on Tuesday, the cleaning on Wednesday, and cooking on Thursday? We always go shopping for the week on Tuesday, do you want to go with the others?”

Shopping wasn’t something he was too familiar with, but since he wouldn’t be alone, nor the one with the responsibility, it seemed rather low-risk.

Xiaojun nodded.

“Good, I’ll write in your name.” Taeyong picked up a blue felt pen and carefully added ‘Xiaojun’ into the matrix.

“What about Mondays and Fridays?”

“Well, you’ll be seeing Yixing-Hyung on these, so we’ll have to keep it free. Health comes first!”

Unhappy with that, Xiaojun let himself sink lower into his chair. But Taeyong was right, obviously. He had agreed to see Yixing, so he couldn’t be doing anything else.

“Aw, don’t pout, I can’t say no well.”

“I’m not…” Xiaojun gasped. He wasn’t POUTING?

“Why do you want me to give you more chores?” Taeyong asked, tapping the pen. Still trying to control his face, Xiaojun found himself shrugging. “It’s not because you think you have to, right? Do you really like doing them?”

Considering it for a moment, Xiaojun shook his head.

“It feels useful, and I have something to do I know how to.”

Taeyong tapped the pen for another moment.

“Well, I mean, I could use help with dinner if you want to do more… But Guanheng does that with me on Friday. You’d have to get along with him.”

Xiaojun hesitated. Guanheng hadn’t made more mean comments, hardly even bothered sparing him a look since the shoulder-knocking-situation. What could possibly go wrong?

“Okay.”

 

There was no reason to not immediately pick up laundry duty, so that was how Xiaojun happily spent the rest of the morning. During lunch, Guanheng snatched the last piece of fish from right under his chopsticks, and Xiaojun felt a bit upset, but he managed to ignore the feeling and not cause trouble.

In the afternoon, Jeno gave him his phone, because Chenle wanted to talk, and Xiaojun spent two hours video chatting with him. It started out with Chenle trying to determine Xiaojun's Hogwarts house, just how Jeno had said, but after a small argument, they agreed they were lacking scientific instruments to come to a reasonable decision. From there, Chenle started talking about more films and It simply escalated to Xiaojun complaining about the confusing stories of the Dramas they usually watched and Chenle explaining how he hated love triangles and Xiaojun needed to watch some good romance – with him.

They also went grocery shopping. As it was a weekly activity, they were groaning under the weight of food on their way back, and Xiaojun was slightly impressed with how much they’d need. Managing a shopping list was something he had training in, but not for a household this big. Cats were usually kept by people without partners, for company and the sexual favours thing. Taeyong’s task suddenly seemed much more respectable than he had already known it to be.

Seeing how that wasn’t at all what Taeil was doing, and they were all doing fine… Xiaojun started to wonder… who had had that idea to make cats for that in the first place?

 

On Wednesday, Xiaojun cleaned the rooms Taeyong had on schedule for the day while Jeno did his homework in the corner so he wouldn’t be alone, and it felt extremely rewarding and useful, so, he even polished the windows despite not having to and them hardly being dirty enough to bother picking up a rug.

Sicheng added three golden stars to the Christmas tree and Xiaojun tried and failed to draw them. Now it looked like the wild green scribbling had holes in it.

In the afternoon, Jeno and he went to Yukhei's house again. It was… okay…-ish.

Because Guanheng also came. Which was probably the reason why Taeil looked like he neared a heart attack. Not able to see his owner in distress, Jaehyun announced he'd also come. Apparently, he didn't work as much as the others, Xiaojun had noticed that before when Jaehyun had suddenly been hanging around while everyone else was still at work.

Between the three, really, Xiaojun wasn’t sure whom to stay away from the farthest.

But Taeil and Taeyong were trusting him to not do anything against his promises, Taeil allowed him out despite obviously being worried something might happen. Xiaojun was determined to prove he deserved this trust and could live up to his promises.

Not to mention this was the means it took to get to Chenle, so, it was worth it.

“When Hyung has his hearing tomorrow, do we bring signs?”

“No, obviously not, that’ll make it a protest and then people could get arrested.”

“There hardly were any reporters last time, what if they lose interest?”

“I don’t care the public has the attention span of a canary, we can’t risk Taeil-Hyung getting into trouble, maybe it could even affect the outcome! That’d be terrible!”

“I hate how all our actions are accredited to him. Especially when it could affect him negatively.”

“That’s just how it is, we have to make it work until we can really change it.”

Xiaojun stared into the distance, from where the bus had come last time. He didn’t really get what the others were talking about anyway, and he also didn’t really care much. He’d probably not understand anyway.

"But if they lose interest then it's all for nothing. We need media attention or there won't be any impact."

“But we can’t risk the trial!”

“Yeah, I know, this… urgh, this is so annoying.”

“Hey, how about Injunie and Hyuck just do all the crazy stuff?”

Xiaojun spotted a bus coming closer and tried to see the numbers on it. The one they needed to take had the number 35.

“Xiaojun-Hyung, do you want to come?”

The bus had the number 21, it wasn’t theirs. He turned away from the street and to Jeno, who had just asked.

“No, don’t ask him.” Guanheng hissed, grabbing Jeno’s arm.

“Why? He’s even more involved and he doesn’t have anything to do.” Jeno insisted. Xiaojun felt anger rise in his chest, both over Guanheng wanting to cut him out and Jeno implying he was useless. He wasn’t a leech! He had chores now, he just hadn’t been given any earlier, but he had done whatever he had been asked to, and always cleared the table, too!

“I have to help Taeyong-Hyung cook.” He snarled and turned his attention back to looking for the bus.

“See?” Guanheng whispered, but Xiaojun’s ears easily picked it up and it didn’t help him calm down. He wanted to get along, but this was making it impossible!

"I don't get why you're so opposed to this, the more people there are, the more attention-commanding it is. And Xiaojun-Hyung's directly involved, too."

“We’re all directly involved, he’s not something special.”

“Okay, uh, how about we just not discuss this right now? It’s not that deep.” Jaehyun sounded a little nervous and Xiaojun very sternly recalled his promises to Taeil and Taeyong.

Jeno started talking about a game he wanted to play, and Xiaojun felt relieved when he finally spotted the saving 35 on the next bus approaching.

Just like last time, they let the humans enter first, Jaehyun being the one with the money finally going in ahead of the other three and paying the driver. He demanded tags as well but was satisfied with just being flashed the metal plate of identification without making anyone lean close enough for detailed inspection.

Xiaojun found himself in the window seat, next to Jaehyun, but it was somewhat preferable to having to worry about people walking by.

Jaehyun didn’t really… do anything. He sat there quietly next to him, occasionally scratching behind his ear, before reminding himself in a soft voice to not, and putting his hand down. Xiaojun watched him repeat the same motion a few times, each time Jaehyun whispered to himself to let it heal and not mess with it. But each time, his hand seemed to unconsciously find its way back into his hair. Xiaojun spotted a sore spot under the thick hair, looking like he might draw blood if he agitated it more.

Not sure what the reason for it could be, Xiaojun didn’t know if it’d be rude to remind Jaehyun when he forgot. If he got it to the point of bleeding it would definitely hurt. And leave a scar!

"Hyung, don't," Xiaojun whispered when Jaehyun seemed so lost in thought his hand moved on its own once more.

He seemed to snap out of it, his hand halting mid-air before he dropped it back into his lap.

The rumbling of the engine filled the silence between them, and Xiaojun grew more and more uneasy the longer it took for any reaction to come. Should he have not said anything? He really had meant to be helpful, but he might have been rude and out of place. Finally, Jaehyun replied with a soft “Thanks for reminding me.”

Xiaojun sighed deeply, relief taking over.

 

He was the first to hop out of the buses’ doors at the stop close to Yukhei’s flat, and excitement over soon meeting Chenle again made him impatient. It felt like everyone else was moving at turtle speed, and hours had passed until they finally arrived at the high rise where Yukhei lived.

Today, it was Yangyang answering to their ringing and letting them in. Like last time, the mirrors in the lift seemed daunting and Xiaojun focussed on the floor, not wanting to see his face in them. Luckily, the ride was a short one, and he hurried to get out the moment he could. He still wasn’t looking where he was going, so he bumped into someone.

“ **Can you watch where you go, or is there no other people in Xiaojun-land, only you matter?”** surprised, Xiaojun looked up and came face-to-face with Guanheng, who glared back. Immediately, anger made him bristle and want to defend himself.

**“I don’t see how some random moron like you would be in the place to judge how I think.”**

**"You're hilarious. Like you aren't the most condescending and judgemental person to ever walk the face of the earth."**

**“I never said I wasn’t judging your sorry ass based on your stupid as fuck behaviour and constant snaking.”**

**“Snaking? Me? Aren’t you the one constantly playing a game to get your way?”**

**“My way? Are you an actual complete idiot? I don’t even know my fucking own way, how would I be able to try and get it? I’m actually making an effort to fit in, what is your damn problem?”**

**“You are my problem!”**

Guanheng supported his point by snapping his teeth at Xiaojun, who was about to show him that he was messing with the wrong person when a loud voice interrupted them.

“ **Ayyye, no one told me Fluff-Ball could talk Cantonese! Don’t be mean with each other, let’s all be friends, okay?”**

Xiaojun’s attention was drawn to the large human who came from the door, beaming brightly.

Yukhei?

**Fluff Ball?**

Xiaojun took a shaky breath through his nose and reminded himself that violence wasn't the answer – and violence against a human could have painful consequences. However, the burning anger over being called such a degrading nick-name wouldn't leave. It mixed with the fear over punishment and the suspicion of Yukhei maybe being a bad person, to begin with, making Xiaojun feel sick to the stomach. He wanted to just punch someone, or something, out of frustration. He would have if he wasn't more scared of punishment than he wanted satisfaction through letting the anger out and for the voice in the back of his head reminding him it felt bad afterwards because he'd feel guilty.

Instead, he quickly sidestepped, and luckily, Yukhei went for wrapping his concerningly long arms around Guanheng.

“ _Hey, Xiaojun!”_

He looked past the worrisome human, and the anger finally cooled down when he saw Chenle waving in the door. Like sunshine after a thunderstorm.

Guanheng could go and handle the suspicious human, Xiaojun really didn’t care, he ignored the two and marched towards Chenle, who already opened his arms and Xiaojun easily accepted the hug.

After his bad experience with Jisung, he didn’t want to talk about boundaries to Yangyang or Yukhei. He just blindly followed Chenle to the kitchen to grab snacks, and then to his room, while tumult-like scenes had started on the sofa, people yelling over who was pulling age privilege over whom to be allowed to play first.

“ _Dude, seriously, I'm not even sad to miss that mess. Being the second youngest you get about zero privilege. I always end up being last, maybe sometimes I win the argument with Jisung, but even that…"_ Chenle shook his head. Xiaojun wasn’t sure what he might be missing out, that for the others was worth going feral over.

He was glad Yukhei had interrupted them before he could have gotten into his own fight, earlier, with Guanheng. For the interruption, not anything else. He wouldn’t feel grateful towards random, possibly dangerous humans.

He was pretty close to how he had imagined him to be after hearing he was a rich human, so carefree because he'd just be able to pay for any damage. The nickname ‘ **Fluff Ball** ’ still echoed in his head. It didn’t sound like one the people at the brothel would have used, it was too… well, fluffy for that, but it was very close. The whole ‘let’s all be friends’ rubbed him the wrong way, everyone who had gone to belittle him one way or another had said it, it almost seemed like some sort of shared mockery at this point.

 

Luckily, he got a break from all that worry over watching the second Harry Potter film, intertangled with Chenle, occasionally being disrupted by an elbow to the shoulder when the other grabbed more snacks to shove into his mouth.

The question over whether this was friendship already came to mind, but Xiaojun didn’t feel like ruining his good mood over considering it, and wondering if Chenle really was to be trusted, how to not make himself fuck it all up – inevitably – and so on. He could just try and freeze the moment as it was right now.

_“I really feel bad for you not getting to eat anything, are you sure you’re okay?”_

_“Yeah, it’s fine. I had chocolate on Monday.”_

_“I aspire to be that reasonable when it comes to food.”_

_“I don’t know, I never really got to choose so much, so, I’m not sure it’s that?”_

_“I think it is. When I first got free reign, I ate so much I had to throw up. On three separate occasions. Or rather three days in a row. Until Yukhei-Ge explained nutrition to me.”_

_“Oh, I know nutrition, I was taught how to cook healthy and balanced for-for a future owner.”_

_“See? You can use it for yourself now. I mean, I kinda knew stuff, too, but I ignored it, I still do. I just have to do a bit more sports to work the calories off after. I love playing basketball, have you tried that before?”_

_“I’ve only heard of it. Anything involving a ball too easily gives injuries.”_

_“Oh, well, now you no longer have to follow such constricting rules, so you can play it. Do you want to try?”_

_“But I’m probably really bad at it?”_

_"That's normal if you're new at something. You should see Jisung, he's been playing for over six months and he still behaves like a wet towel on the field and conveniently ignores any rules, so there's really no reason to worry. No one expects a born professional. I mean, obviously, I'm very close. But we can't all be like me."_ Chenle cackled and Xiaojun felt a little jealous over how easily Chenle could talk so positively about himself, _“Speaking of things you can learn, have you ever played Mario games?”_

_“No… but Jeno told me about them.”_

_“We have to! It’s the best!”_

Chenle hopped up from the bed, and the bag with gummy bears spilt all over the sheets, but he didn’t seem to notice. Xiaojun carefully collected and re-bagged them, while Chenle fumbled with one of the boxes with glowing buttons, and the TV screen changed from the Harry Potter menu to a bright starting screen with colourful cartoon-like figures in what might be cars.

 

When it was time to go, Xiaojun felt like time had gone by in a flash. The video game had seemed impossible to understand at first, but Chenle had kept giving him tips and Xiaojun had managed to arrive at the goal eventually because of his patience. Each round got a little easier, and by the last battle, he was already able to do some special things such as making the car jump higher and avoid banana peels on the field.

Xiaojun couldn’t wait to come back and spend more time!

Guanheng was back to not looking at him, and he was glad to do the same. He didn’t want to let anything ruin his good mood.

 

The thing the others had been talking about the day before had to do with Taeil having to go to the first court hearing in the morning. It was different from that with the police, and neither Ten nor Kun had to go. Xiaojun couldn't say he was surprised, really, why would they bother listening to Hybrids? I'd be nice if they did, but it was just something that happened in paradise-like places – like Taeil's home. It was a rare exception and not the rule.

Apparently, this Jungwoo the others had mentioned before was a doctor as well and would be replacing Taeil today.

Xiaojun wasn't sure what to think of him, as he watched from the kitchen while Taeil ran Jungwoo through the schedule Ten had made. Jungwoo was a lot taller than Taeil and had to be younger. His front teeth stuck out a bit and his fringe was so long that it continuously fell into his eyes, and he kept pushing back.

He hadn’t come closer but waved from the table when he had first sat down, and his voice was soft and higher than Xiaojun would have expected from his appearance.

Overall, Jungwoo looked like he couldn’t even yell at someone – but it might just be a mask he was wearing.

Hard to judge, was what Xiaojun decided, too risky to get closer.

"Xiaojun, I'll start washing the dishes," Taeyong announced, which meant he had to go somewhere else. Not wanting to stay in the same room as the strange human, he quickly crossed the living room, staying away from Jungwoo as far as possible, and slipped out to find somewhere he wouldn't be alone – that'd be against the buddy-system.

However, in the hallway, a picture greeted him that made him reconsider his choice.

Jeno was basically pinned to the ground, another Hybrid licking over his cheek. His uneven ears immediately stood out to Xiaojun: one was sticking up, the other floppy. He stopped the slobbering upon hearing someone come closer and looked up at Xiaojun, revealing just as unevenly matched eyes and a head full of multicoloured, almost blotchy hair. Xiaojun’s immediate thought was: this was no breed’s breeding standard. Bicoloured eyes weren’t something wanted in dog Hybrids, not to mention his uneven ears made everything else seem unmatched in his face. It was far too messy and wild a look.

However, Xiaojun was trying to no longer think how a breeder or a seller would think. Too many people had pointed out the flaws of the system, it was one Xiaojun himself wouldn’t have a place in anymore- He wanted to stop thinking like people that’d probably put him down.

So what this Hybrid was obviously a mix? Looking past the mismatched eyes and ears, he was actually quite handsome, and he seemed to be good friends with Jeno, who was still on the floor under him, looking excited not scared.

The whole tongue across the face wasn't really something Xiaojun felt he could understand though. It was… too instinct-driven, too un-human. It was like the purring, he wouldn't want to do that for the sake of not wanting to be even further away from all the things humans were and he could never be, and it felt alienating to see the two do it.

“Hi!” the new guy beamed, scrambling off his initial victim, his tail wagging wildly now. He started coming closer and Xiaojun immediately felt his muscles tighten, his fingers hooking into claws. The dog held out his hand and stopped far enough away. “I’m Jaemin, you must be Xiaojun-Hyung, right? I’m, like, the last person to meet you and it sucks, but now I finally get the chance to!”

Xiaojun eyed his hand, then Jaemin’s face, and took a step back. Would Jaemin mock him if he tried to establish boundaries? After Jisung’s reaction, he felt extremely discouraged, not wanting to be the one making his messed-up head obvious to strangers.

On the other hand, if Jaemin didn’t know, he might try and touch him, risking an accidental reaction that’d mean a mess up for Xiaojun and his goal of becoming a better person.

“I know, no touching, sorry, I just wanted to still try and be polite. And maybe I had secret hopes of getting Chenle-treatment, but hey. It’s fine.”

How did he already know?

Right, Jeno had mentioned a group chat, as had Donghyuck. Jaemin was probably part of that. They had probably all been making fun of Xiaojun in there because he was weird and mean.

“Uh…” Jaemin turned to Jeno, who had also gotten off the ground.

"Jaemin's here today because Jungwoo-Hyung's filling in for Taeil-Hyung. Jungwoo-Hyung is his owner." Jeno helpfully filled in.

Xiaojun nodded. Wait! Wasn’t Jaemin the one Jeno said punched harder than Xiaojun. Not that he wanted to challenge for the title, but he should probably be worried over such a person, right?

Just in case, he should better stay away. Xiaojun nearly cried over his head supplying the same line as always, but it was true. He wasn’t trustworthy, it was just his instincts trying to keep him safe – he should listen to them even if he didn’t want to.

“Doesn’t he speak?” Jaemin whispered, looking more and more confused.

“Of course I speak, do I look like a complete dumbass to you?”

Jaemin’s eyes widened and he looked to Jeno for help again. “Wasn’t that a rude word?”

“Uh, it’s okay when Xiaojun-Hyung uses it. I think. I’m not sure.”

Xiaojun was fed up with the conversation, with having to feel dumb and worrying over whether to trust other people or not – yet again. It wasn’t like he wanted to be friends with Jaemin anyway.

Except…

That was a lie. He really did want to be, just how he wanted to be friends with Jeno, Jaehyun, Taeyong, Doyoung, Sicheng, Yangyang, Johnny, and especially with Kun, Ten, Yuta, and Chenle. Maybe even Guanheng and Donghyuck.

But his head was in the way, his head being dumb and unhelpful, bringing up all the reasons why it was dangerous and why they were bad people, and how he needed to stay away. Frustrated, Xiaojun turned away from the situation and went down to his shared room, where he wordlessly wrapped himself around Kun, who was ready for work but luckily hadn't left yet.

Kun never minded cuddling, worries over being annoying were unfounded. Of course, they still were there, in Xiaojun’s stupid head, but he was able to ignore them, especially when Kun gently patted his arm where it was around his shoulders.

In a way, Kun made him feel the most welcome and least worried out of everyone in the house. If Xiaojun were given the choice, despite all the great things about Yuta, Ten, and especially Chenle, Kun would be the one he’d say he felt the most pulled towards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh yeah, you probably thought I had forgotten this was a fic with a ship. I haven’t. It’ll come, but I’ve taken the slow burn tag very seriously, even more seriously than in Moon Diamond which already took forever. I’m hoping for your patience ~  
>   
> [Jaemin, mix](https://i.imgur.com/b6eCPfU.jpg)  
>   
> [ CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The iQiyi sports event was a blessing [A BLESSING!](https://66.media.tumblr.com/7cb9e172324e63f9211f56840a1d0742/tumblr_pumovdTy9Y1v6bamko1_1280.jpg) for my starved WayV heart. [credit](https://www.weibo.com/p/1005056890670115/photos?from=page_100505#wbphoto_nav)
> 
> I know, the chapter is on time, it’s a miracle. Also, this is nearly a ridiculous 9k words long.

Helping Taeyong cook was great. Just like with other chores, Xiaojun knew what he was doing, and the relief over not having to adapt to new, challenging situations made them more fun than he remembered them to be. Taeyong gave him simple instructions and he could immediately follow them. It was amazing and so, so useful!

Doyoung had hovered close at first, but after obviously seeing it all went well, he left, which reassured Xiaojun in his feeling of having done well.

Today wasn't even that much to do. There weren't as many people around for lunch as usual. Jeno, Jaemin, Guanheng, and Jaehyun were all gone to protest in front of the court, in which Taeil's hearing was.

Xiaojun didn't dare ask if anyone other than them cared about this equal rights movement. It meant a lot to the others, he didn't want to be rude. He simply couldn't imagine any human actually considering to give Hybrids freedom for a single second. Well, maybe Taeil. But even his breeder, who had always been so kind, would have not in a million years supported such an idea. Then again, the more Xiaojun learnt about having an opinion and free choice, things like subjective beauty, and how understanding helped him much more to avoid mistakes than punishment ever had, the more he worried that his breeder had maybe not actually been as great and magnificent a person as he had always perceived him to be.

It kind of sucked because it made him then question if his childhood had been this great and ideal life he had thought it to be. The idea of just being nice for niceness sake, this unconditional love and trust he got here, or not getting struck for mistakes being the main ones since the memories of punishment were still vivid and had been disturbing the image even before he had gotten doubts about the goodness of his breeder's heart.

In theory, Xiaojun could get behind Hybrid rights, but in reality, he was much too mistrustful to seriously entertain the idea. Humans weren't usually like Taeil. They were like his breeder, or the bus driver pushing Jeno around, and like Yukhei, making stupid nicknames up instead of remembering Hybrids' real ones. They wouldn't listen. Surely, the others would realise sooner or later and give up as well. It was a waste of time and would only get his hopes up uselessly.

 

By the time the group and Taeil returned, it was late afternoon, and Xiaojun was eagerly expecting Kun, Ten, and Yuta’s return from work.

Instead, Taeil wanted to talk to him. Xiaojun had no idea why. He hadn’t done much today other than use the quiet to sing a little bit louder than he normally would have Surely, if that would have been an issue, Taeyong or Doyoung would have let him know, right? He didn’t remember making any mistakes or angering anyone.

Turned out the talk wasn’t about something bad, how he had immediately assumed it would be.

“It took forever, but here we finally have it: your smartphone.” Taeil placed a box on the table in front of Xiaojun, next to the lyric sheets he had been reworking.

Drawing hadn’t gone too well, so Xiaojun would rather focus on what he felt he could do and brought him joy, which was music.

It had been long since he had had the chance to sit down and think of new rhythms and melodies, but there was enough peace and quiet, and paper to write on, here.

He didn't want to focus on the Christmas carols too much because Christmas was the deadline, wasn't it? So, instead, he wrote about the flower field. He had used to write about his dreams and ideas a lot when he was little, finding a fitting melody and words to best express his feelings, but it had been quite a while and it wouldn’t come as easily as he would have liked.

Now he quickly closed the notepad, even though it was unlikely Taeil would be able to read anything he had written in his mixture of Hanzi and Pinyin. It was much too intimate to share with anyone. This song was only for himself. Music worked in ways nothing else could when it came to expressing emotions for Xiaojun.

He eyed the box carefully. There was a picture of a phone printed on it, as well as some words. Samsung, Galaxy, something about battery life.

"I'd like to give you a quick introduction if you don't mind?"

“Yes, please.”

Xiaojun had seen the others use theirs and held Kun's and Jeno's before, but he suddenly felt very clueless to where even start. It was fine, though. The others had struggled initially, too. Accepting help wasn't anything ridiculous or to be ashamed of.

“Great!” Taeil sat down next to him and put a pair of scissors on the table. “First, we have to obviously open it, cut through the seal here and here.”

Xiaojun followed the instruction and the box opened, revealing the sleek surface of a brand-new phone. He hardly dared touch it. Would that really be his now? It was such an expensive piece to leave to anyone else!

"Okay, there's a sticker to protect the screen and back, you should take them off."

“But doesn’t it need protection?” Xiaojun carefully pushed a finger under the device and lifted it from the box with the utmost care he could. It wasn’t too heavy, it felt comfortable in his hand.

"You can buy a screen protector and a case. That's a good idea anyway. Just in case it does drop, you can lower the chance of damage. I'll give you some money you can spend on that later. There are stores all over Seoul, just find someone to go with you, I'm quite sure there'll be plenty of volunteers."

Xiaojun carefully put the phone on the table and turned to Taeil.

“What do you want in return?”

There was no way this could be free. It was simply impossible! This was probably worth more than Xiaojun’s entire being right now. He stopped himself. He didn’t want to think of himself as a ware anymore, didn’t he? But still, how could Taeil just spend that kind of money on him – with nothing in return? There had to be a limit to how much trust he put into Xiaojun?

“Xiaojun, I don’t want anything in return. I said I want to give you a home. At a home, you have everything you need. In this day and age, that includes a phone as a way of communicating with others, like Chenle.”

Xiaojun bit his lower lip. So far, it had been that, he had had everything he could wish for, and he hadn’t had to do anything in return. Other than going to see Yixing.

“So… do you, uh, like being nice for niceness sake?”

Taeil seemed surprised and considered it for a moment, then shrugged and nodded. “I guess that’s how you could say it. I also really hate seeing how badly some humans treat Hybrids, I want to try and make up for it how I can. I’ll be honest, when I first got Doyoung, he was the first to join this little family, I didn’t know just how similar Hybrids were to humans either – despite being a Hybrid medicine student at the time. I don't want to pretend to be some infallible saint. I'm not. I know I made mistakes with every single one of you, in how to best address your needs and respect your personalities. I see these as challenges you have to overcome. Sometimes it's hard, but in the end, it's all worth it when you can build a meaningful relationship, like a family."

Xiaojun remembered how he had thought how similar to a mum and dad Taeyong and Doyoung were.

It seemed like the others were a family, a big, happy one.

Meanwhile, Xiaojun would never fit in, would never have a place in that. It wasn't due to Taeil, he was doing more than Xiaojun could ever ask for. It was his own fault. He couldn't trust the others and he couldn't become a good person.

“So, don’t worry about doing anything in return, okay?”

Just for now, just for a few more days, until Christmas, he wanted to pretend there actually could be a place in this family for him.

Because it was so nice to let himself believe it, it felt like after years, or maybe even a whole life, of searching, he was finally granted a pause to sit down and breathe, relax and have what he had always wished for: friends and freedom. If he could enjoy it just a little longer…

 

The first text Xiaojun carefully typed went to Kun. The phone could switch between all sorts of letters – it was smart for a reason after all. He could type in the Hanzi to greet the other cat, and then switch to be able to use Hangeul. The next went to Ten, and then he sent one to Chenle and Yuta as well, growing excited. Jeno wanted to get a text, too, so Xiaojun did as asked. It wasn’t hard at all. He understood how it worked. The realisation was a boost of confidence.

He tried some of the games Taeil had recommended, then got his first video call from Chenle, who was just as excited over him now having his new phone. It also offered the opportunity to find an enthusiastic shopping partner for the case he still needed. He had considered asking Kun, maybe Yuta, but they had to work so much while Chenle didn't. That he wanted to take him, fit perfectly.

 

That was exactly what Xiaojun kept repeating in his head as he stared at the ugly stripe pattern on Yixing’s sweater the next day.

He had to get through this, and then Chenle would pick him up in the afternoon, early enough to not miss dinner preparations.

If only he could tune Yixing out completely. The things he said were too tempting for Xiaojun to not answer them, he couldn’t stay still. And then Yixing would make him argue his point of view and Xiaojun hated it.

When it was finally over, Xiaojun was left with more frustration and dislike for the therapist than ever. If he’d voice that, Yixing would probably go and ask so many questions until Xiaojun would figure out he didn’t really hate him, so he hadn’t announced it to Yixing yet and he didn’t plan on doing.

Because he just WANTED to hate him.

 

Chenle came with Yangyang, who luckily planned to stay and play with Guanheng, but had been his outside-buddy.

“Are you dressed warmly enough. Do you have money? Remember not to talk to strangers, best don’t talk to anyone, okay? People can be very mean!”

“Hyung, we’re literally going down the street to buy a phone case, not overthrow the government or deal cocaine. I’ve been to the shop, like, ten million times.” Chenle deadpanned and Taeyong huffed, crossing his arms. Xiaojun had gotten used to Taeyong fussing whenever someone left the flat. Honestly, he didn’t mind it at all. It gave him this feeling of being cared for he had gotten to experience a few times ever since coming here.

“Don’t let them overcharge you!”

"We won't, Hyung," Xiaojun reassured and Taeyong nodded, looking satisfied.

 

The second they left the house, he buried his face into the scarf he had gotten from Yuta. Seoul seemed to cool down more every day, and he missed the warmer climate he had grown up in.

Taeil had given him 20,000 won, so that was how much Xiaojun believed he needed to buy the case he wanted to get.

“ _Dude, 20 grand gets you two easily, or you could buy a chain or something,"_ Chenle announced when Xiaojun disclosed the budget. “ _Maybe you'll want two, though. There are so many choices I was totally overwhelmed the first time I went to buy one, so Yukhei-Ge bought me… nine, I think?"_

Xiaojun had already done a small study by checking the types of cases the others at Taeil’s had. Each was different: Ten’s was a simple black, Jeno’s had comic characters, while Taeyong’s was encrusted with sparkly rhinestones. He could imagine how big the selection had to be. Despite that, getting nine seemed like an overkill.

Obviously, a rich person like Yukhei wouldn't mind, but Xiaojun wasn't a rich person. He wasn't sure about Taeil's finances but paying for ten Hybrids had to be expensive. He was probably rich in theory, especially considering he still owned them and were he in desperate need of money just selling one would end any worries, but Xiaojun didn't think Taeil was rich in the sense of having a lot of money lying around. He could have if he didn't help all of them and spent so much money on things like buying lost cases like Xiaojun smartphones, but clearly, Taeil put that over getting a nice car.

“ _Are there ones that work better to keep it safe? I really worry to break anything.”_

“ _True, phones are super fragile. Some have extra bounce edges or something, but if you drop your phone it's mainly up to luck because the angle at which it lands often determines if it'll crack. Just buy a pretty one. Oh, this is us."_

Chenle opened the door to a shop and Xiaojun quickly caught a glance of what was displayed in the window. There were DVD boxes (that was what it was, not weird books), which was odd, but Chenle probably knew there was more here than that.

A young woman looked up from behind the counter, giving them only a glance before turning her attention back to her tablet. Other than them, there was no one here, and all Xiaojun saw were DVDs upon DVDs, squeezed into shelves that stood so close only one person at a time would fit between.

“ _Don't let it fool you, it has two lower levels which are gigantic. We discovered it by chance while waiting for Yukhei-Ge to find a parking spot. There's a really good one in the Myeongdong subway station, too, but it's kinda far and I don't like the subway."_

_“Why? Is it scary?”_

_“Haven’t you ridden it?”_

_"No. Only the bus."_

_"I don't like bus either, actually, I think the bus is even worse. All these places where it's likely they check your tag are super annoying."_ Chenle’s hand came up to where three tags were snapped to his collar. Xiaojun had noticed them before because the additional ones were made from red metal, not silver. They were hooked to each side of the official one, leaving only the red visible, which stood out more than silver would. He nodded, thinking he understood the issue – who’d want nasty humans pushing them around under the guise of reading their tag?

They descended the stairs into a much bigger basement level, and now Xiaojun spotted things other than DVDs. There also were far more people here, some younger humans in school uniforms browsing shelves of comic books.

Xiaojun was a bit confused that they’d be interested in that. His breeder had always made it appear as though comics were easier to understand, thus suitable for Hybrids. It had made a lot of sense because the pictures helped understand the story. Why would these interest humans if there were more sophisticated stories to read, those not for Hybrids?

Maybe there was more to them if teenaged humans found them worth reading? Maybe his breeder had just said it to make them feel bad about themselves?

Figuring out the lies in his breeder’s words wasn’t his point of interest today.

“ _Whoa, there's so many,"_ Xiaojun whispered when he saw what they had come here for: there were stands full of phone cases, waiting to be browsed and appreciated, and then bought.

“ _Yep. Let’s get to choosing, shall we?”_

Xiaojun searched through patterns of flowers, spirals, blocks, and more in all colours of the rainbow, weird animals called Pokémon, handsome groups of boy or girls, who were apparently famous singers, and more colourful patterns – some even sparkling. The selection was so vast, and he felt the need to really, thoroughly look at each design offered, that they moved through the stands a snail's speed, but Chenle, fortunately, didn't seem to be annoyed with how slow Xiaojun was with this.

Xiaojun was sure something would call to him and he’d know it’d be the right one to buy – because these all were pretty and he couldn’t get every single one of them. Surely, there’s be one that would be special. Xiaojun was determined to find and buy it.

At some point, two girls in a blue uniform also started searching for cases. Xiaojun tried to keep distance, but Chenle seemed unbothered to the point that one of them and he reached for the same one the very same moment, bumping hands.

Xiaojun readied himself for backlash. She'd be upset some Hybrid would try and take the case she had wanted to go for, being entitled to it due to being human. His gut clenched in worry and anticipation for what was to come.

This was why he had tried to stay away. Now, he’d hear how he was less and should know his place. It never felt good being reminded of that.

“Oh, sorry, you take it.” She let go immediately and smiled. “It’s really cute, right?”

Xiaojun’s panic immediately came to a screeching halt.

What now?

The case in question was kept in different dark colours, blues, purples, black, with countless dots over it. Some built bigger collections of white, others were lonelier. It seemed random, but the seemingly deliberate placing and mix of colour were cute, really cute and unique. Xiaojun was still hung up on how she just… offered it to… a Hybrid? Just like that?

“Right? Galaxy prints are hard to get wrong, but they’re hard to get really pretty, too.” Chenle nodded and held the case towards Xiaojun. If this was the galaxy, then these had to be stars, wasn’t that how it worked? Something about it drew him in, the sheer idea of putting the vastness of the sky into his pocket was intriguing. And, just how Chenle had said, it was stunning. This was the one, the case Xiaojun knew he wanted to have. But it had been the last of its kind. Where normally there were more, the hook was now empty. “ _What do you think_?”

“Uh…” Xiaojun looked at the girls, but they were smiling back at him.

“Are you buying one? Are you friends? You look so cute together, so fluffy! Sorry if this is rude. I’m so excited, you don’t meet many Hybrids out, right? Like, ones you could talk to. Sorry if this is random, I just read a lot on Hybrids recently, because of the court cases of Doctor Moon.”

Doctor Moon? That was Taeil! Xiaojun was still in shock over the girls bothering to talk to them, but then they even knew Taeil?

"Yes, we're friends, I'm his shopping advisor, too," Chenle announced. His heart seemed to do a backflip in his chest. Chenle had just called him his friend! Was this his first one, maybe? For sure, really, actually, no jokes and no worries? Yes, it had to be.

Chenle was his friend! He had done it, despite his head being weird and broken, and his body ugly and useless. Xiaojun nearly teared up, but that’d be weird, so he blinked hurriedly to keep his eyes dry.

It was so many pleasant surprises and so many good news combined, he felt overwhelmed by happiness. That was new.

“Oh, that’s so cool! You have great support, he has impeccable taste!” the other now announced towards Xiaojun, and Chenle nodded, beaming.

“Yes, totally, I would have bought that, too.” The first girl agreed.

Xiaojun looked down at the case again. It was beautiful.

"If you'd like to have it, you should." He softly tried and held it her direction. That she had even given it up for Chenle, to begin with, was more than enough, actually taking it would be nothing but brazen.

“No, no, no, it’s really fine, your friend technically reached for it first, I’d feel super bad.”

Xiaojun stared at her. No one would bat an eyelash if she demanded to have it, she was human after all.

“ _Chenle, can I do that? She's a human."_ Xiaojun whispered in panic.

“ _Sure you can! She offered, so what if her ears are boring or not.”_

Her ears were boring? That was a really funny way to boil down the deep differences between them to sound like there wasn't much at all.

“If it’s really okay, I do like it.”

“Oh, you’re so sweet! Really, can you come and teach the boys in our class some manners? Of course, it’s okay!”

“Urgh, I wished we had guys like you in our class. If they’d a least have your amazing looks to make up for their terrible personalities, but they’re all ugly on top.”

“Well, for that to happen schools would have to accept Hybrids.” Chenle pointed out.

"That's the first problem to address, I so agree!"

“And not only because we want polite and handsome boys in our classes. Just pointing that out.”

"Well, obviously you don't need the handsome guys, you have plenty of pretty girls to look at, but can you think of me for once?" one of the girls whined, while the other blushed a faint pink, "I want education for all and non-barbarians in my class. Win-win!"

 

Xiaojun still felt like this was some weird alternate reality he had fallen into by the time he had paid and put the case on his phone, and Chenle and he were on the frosty street again, walking home.

“ _So, like, Taeil-Ge's cases, uh, they mentioned them, it was about him, right? Is that about the break-in?"_

_"Oh, yeah, probably, too, but the main one was a few weeks ago already. There's an organisation that's doing a ton of educational work right now, to let the public know about all the shit going on in the business. They help make the public realise we're not some toys or natural servant or any of that. Some studies prove Hybrids are literally just as smart as humans. Anyway, to achieve that, they did really big assemblies in front of the court, among other things. But that was really big. I went, too. They do them right now as well, but back then they were much bigger and the press got interested. The others are still going but I don't think there's really all that much success from that, or maybe I'm too easily discouraged when there's no immediate success. I'll send you a few articles. It's awesome, things like these girls randomly talking nicely to me have happened a few times since they never happened before."_

_"There are studies like that?"_ Studies were official, science stuff. It was like the card in Monopoly that let you get out of jail if there was a study you were right! His breeder had always said studies proved Hybrids were made for servitude and submission and because it was proven by science there was no reason to doubt it.

Chenle’s studies sounded like they’d contradict that. Could there be both? Science offered clear solutions normally, right? To give the right, objective answer. Then again, maybe the studies his breeder had talked about actually didn’t exist?

_"Yep, even the labs who created Hybrids know that there are papers from them."_

_“But, is it only for dog Hybrids?”_

_“No, no, it’s all Hybrids, the DNA makeup is the same for all of us.”_

Xiaojun tried to process all the things he had learnt and heard over the last hour.

It wasn’t only Doyoung and Kun telling him he was smart, no, there was actual proof?

Not only that, the girls from the shop wouldn’t leave his mind. They had been so nice, they had called him handsome, and there hadn’t been any reason to lie, they seemed to genuinely think that. He looked at the case on the back of his phone, that had been so graciously given to him by one of them when she could have easily taken it.

So, maybe, there truly were people other than Taeil, who believed in Hybrid rights?

Maybe these studies, that said he wasn’t less, were right and his breeder’s words had been lies – once more?

 

Xiaojun was still lost in thought as he chopped zucchini and leek later, so distracted he didn’t even have the mind to pay Guanheng only a single second of attention.

Maybe all his breeder had ever told him had been lies. It was hard to even think that. Never before had he doubted the man, who had brought him up and been the source of all he knew, to the degree where he questioned every word that had ever left his lips.

At the point of knowledge and understanding, Xiaojun was now, it seemed almost impossible to defend him and see the good in his doings. It was undeniable his teachings did clash with Xiaojun's dreams, with his wishes. If he was being honest, they had done so ever since he could remember. Before, he had thought that meant his dreams would have to stay dreams forever – it just hadn't crossed his mind to think his breeder would have misled him. He had been like this perfect person he owed his life and every good thing he had known. Xiaojun had never known there'd be a different way to see things.

Now, that there were people who were living so differently, giving him ideas and showing him new ways to think, it was easy to find one hole in the man's logic after another.

However, even if he tried to forget about the lessons from his breeder, it still left all the times humans had used him, all the times other Hybrids had turned their backs to him, betrayed and hurt him.

Even if he’d drop those possible lies he was taught as a kitten, he still found himself unable to open up to the idea of blindly trusting the others here, he still hated the scars on his body, he still tried to duck when he saw someone who looked like a potential customer.

He wished it’d just be as easy – realise the source of all his problems had been his breeder and his teachings, and be fine, fit in, have a home and a family.

But he couldn't. He couldn't forget and ignore these experiences that had come after, that had been the real world.

Even if he tried to not measure his worth based on how he knew humans priced Hybrids, he still found the scars on his body horrendously ugly, he still wouldn't want to look into a mirror. They reminded him of pain, and fear, and the helplessness, of the monsters that had been controlling his life and used him.

And in the end, that was even more frustrating, because it felt like he should be able to change this.

But he didn’t know how?

 

"So, after finding out Santa Claus is actually a stalker and the other reindeer were two-faced bullies towards Rudolph, I prepared really un-creepy carols for today – I hope," Yuta announced. Xiaojun already had his notebook opened on a new page where he had space for lyrics, excitement to learn and sing new songs buzzing under his skin.

He only dared to loudly sing when Yuta did it with him because he was worried to annoy the others any other time. He wished he could do it more since singing loudly was the best feeling in the world. Well, maybe one of them. Recently, there had been many good feelings. But singing had already been there for him before he had known a lot of these other alternatives, it was like an old plushie to return to and find it fit perfectly in your arms even after not having to cuddle it for a long time.

The loud singing made up for Yuta teaching him carols that talked about the dreaded Christmas.

"I didn't mean to ruin them for you." Xiaojun hadn't, he had just asked why the lyrics were so weird.

“You didn’t, I still sing them, but sensitising yourself to potentially problematic content is good.” Yuta pulled him closer to affectionately ruffle his hair. Xiaojun hadn’t realised just how much Yuta liked to touch and hug and cuddle everyone until he had become one of the victims. At first, he had wondered if it was just him, but after observing his behaviour, he realised he did it to everyone.

It wasn’t that Xiaojun wanted to be a special person or anything, not at all. On the contrary, he was happy that Yuta didn’t seem to think he was some charity case that needed extra much attention to make up for everything broken inside. He treated him like the others – which was what Xiaojun wished to be. Like the others.

Normal.

Healthy.

Happy.

When he used this time to sing with Yuta, he could pretend he was all these. Actually… no, he didn't just pretend. He was all that for just a few short minutes like he was when Chenle played a game with him, or Kun gave him extra attention in the morning to cuddle.

 

In the afternoon, when Xiaojun had just woken from a nice after-lunch nap on the pillow fortress, Ten asked if he wanted to tag along to go shopping for clothes. He could get a few of his very own things and stock up on what he was still lacking – which was a lot, despite feeling like he had gotten so many things.

That Ten was the one asking made the whole ordeal even more exciting, and even when the other pointed out Johnny and Donghyuck would be there as well, Xiaojun felt an unbroken zest for action.

 

To get to the place where one could shop best, as Ten had explained, they needed to take the subway. After Chenle's announcement he didn't like it, Xiaojun was a bit wary, but it didn't look as scary as he had expected it to be. It was more like a huge bus station and he had to swipe a card Ten gave him to be granted access. He had explained there was money stored on it to pay their fare, instead of having to pay with the driver. Another cool technology thing to explore, like the Apps on his smartphone.

The subway itself was a bit crowded, but even when seats were vacant neither of them stepped to take them. Xiaojun wouldn’t want to take one from a human and set himself up to get yelled at, and Ten probably shared the mindset.

It was a fun challenge to balance out the turns, brakes, and accelerations the train made. The humans all had to hold on tightly, while Xiaojun had no problem to keep upright without any help. It made him a little proud, and it reminded him of how Taeil had said him to be superior in some things as compared to humans. Maybe this was one of these things? Regardless, it felt very encouraging, even if no one paid him any attention, much less would give a compliment for such a skill.

They arrived at Myeongdong, the mysterious place of the great phone case shop. Exponentially more people, than where they had started, filled the station, pushing past each other. It seemed not all of them were from Seoul, either. There were westerns among then and Xiaojun heard Mandarin being spoken, next to other foreign languages he didn't know.

"As I said, this is a shopping paradise, there are lots of tourists coming here as well." Ten explained when he seemed to notice Xiaojun eavesdropping on some Chinese girls walking past them.

 

They exited the station, that was underground here, past food stands and vendors offering toys, accessories, or socks. Xiaojun’s eyes were drawn to everything and he tried to take in all the new impressions. Some old lady selling Manju called if he wanted to buy some, he could get one free from her. Xiaojun didn’t have any money and Ten wasn’t interested, but it was very encouraging that she had spoken to him, even if it was only to sell him something. At least she viewed him as a potential buyer!

Once they left the station, Johnny was easy to notice because his height made him stick out from the crowd.

 

“Is this bring your little brother to your date day?” Donghyuck wrinkled his nose.

Xiaojun looked between Johnny – very much a dog Hybrid, very much a head taller than Donghyuck, very clearly not blood-related in any way – and Donghyuck.

“You’re not brothers.” he pointed out the obvious. Neither were he and Ten, though they might pass a tiny little bit easier if only for the fact they at least both were feline.

“Wow, really? I would have never noticed, why did no one tell me before!” Donghyuck fake-gasped and put his gloved hands to both cheeks, making a silly face.

Xiaojun immediately felt himself grow angry at the new mockery. He shouldn’t have said anything, Donghyuck had been like this last time, too. It was partly his fault for falling for the same trick to be ridiculed twice.

“Hyuck, be nice.” Johnny softly scolded and the tabby sighed dramatically.

"Fine. I'm actually glad I don't have to third-wheel on my own and bear with the disturbing image of these two being lovey-dovey, it gives me hives. Okay, so, I need…" he pulled out his phone and started reading: "one button-up that doesn't feel like it's suffocating me and limits my arm movements to next to none, a pair of jeans that preferably don't rip as easily as the old pair, and a non-scratchy, non-shedding, pretty scarf."

“And while we’re at it, maybe we can also find the philosopher’s stone.” Johnny sighed.

Xiaojun wondered if that had anything to do with Harry Potter, but since Ten laughed maybe it was a joke.

 

Shopping, as it turned out, was exhausting.

Firstly, it involved decisions. Lots of them.

After Xiaojun had managed to first decide if he liked something based on how it looked on the shelf or how Johnny held it up – because Johnny apparently was a fashion expert and Ten was about as clueless as Xiaojun, lingering behind and letting his boyfriend take the lead – he had to try it on, to see how it fit and how it looked worn. Then either the others disagreed, because it didn't, or they liked it, which immediately led to Xiaojun having to make the next decision whether he still liked it how it looked now.

Secondly, it involved mirrors. Also lots of them. There were usually one or two in the changing room, and then one outside them, plus, occasionally, one in the store, like a random trap for Xiaojun to waltz right into. Worse, to decide if he liked how something looked on himself, he couldn’t help having to look into one of them.

If he knew to expect his reflection, he at least knew how to keep his head low and stop looking from his shoulders up. The random mirrors were a bit harder to avoid, so Xiaojun kept his head down at all times – just to be safe. It was tiring since the shops were so full of things, he ran into shelves and puppets now and then, which was embarrassing and also a bit painful when he had too much speed when hitting something.

 

At the same time, despite the struggles, it was just as exciting as he had expected it to be: there were so many wonderful, colourful things. Xiaojun could completely avoid accepting a single piece in white or red by simply telling Johnny he didn’t like either, but there was still more to choose from that he could ever wrap his head around. If something didn’t feel nice on his skin, then he could say he didn’t want it, and they’d easily find something soft and lovely instead.

 

Donghyuck found a pair of jeans, but every single button-up he tried had some or another problem, and the scarfs he found pretty were either scratchy or immediately left lint over his clothes. Xiaojun felt like Donghyuck maybe enjoyed complaining – just a little.

The more hopeless his chase became and the more overdramatic his reactions, the harder it became to not laugh about his absurd reasonings. Ten and Johnny laughed in some situations, but Xiaojun didn’t know when it’d be okay and when it’d be hurtful because he’d be making fun, so he never joined in and just internally found entertainment in some of the other cat’s antics.

 

The sun had long set and the shopping streets were lit up beautifully, every shop having different, bright lights to draw peoples’ attention to their goods, and maybe get them to buy. But that wasn’t the only thing. Countless stalls, with different foods offered, had popped up on the side and the different scents made Xiaojun’s tummy grumble.

“Hyung, I need Takoyaki! I will literally not make it back home without!” Donghyuck gasped.

Johnny opened his mouth, looking like he was going to say no, but Ten squeaked in excitement and nodded wildly with big eyes, and Johnny immediately seemed to change his mind. Interesting. Was this a dating thing? Or a Ten thing? It fit into the general picture of Johnny seeming to have a different expression each time he paid attention to his boyfriend, or how his voice would be just a bit gentler.

If anything, this shopping trip had reconfirmed that having a romantic relationship looked wonderful and desirable. The lovey-dovey things, Donghyuck announced to be nearly unbearable, Xiaojun found himself internally coo over, and a little jealous of.

It was just too bad it wasn’t going to happen to him.

 

Xiaojun found himself waiting behind one of the stalls, out of the way, next to Johnny, with the bags of shopping goods to their feet, while Ten and Donghyuck waited in line for Takoyaki. There was no risk of anyone running into him here. Not all people looked terrifying, but some did. Xiaojun had spotted both the normal-looking type of customer, as well as some of the unpleasant-looking type. Even those he'd expect to be involved with the handlers, the monsters, were just walking around merrily.

It wasn’t like they were doing anything illegal. Just because Xiaojun got hurt by them didn’t mean they were criminals. Still, he was scared one of them would randomly grab him and pull him away.

Waiting out of sight seemed safer. He didn’t have to be on the look-out but could just let his thoughts wander. Since Ten had explained the snack they were getting was made with octopus, Xiaojun was now very curious to taste it. Seafood was very yummy.

Maybe seafood was his favourite?

Xiaojun mulled that over. It could be. If he were given the choice between a meat, a fish, and a seafood dish, he'd ask for the last. That was what made it a favourite, wasn't it?

How exciting! Next time Taeyong asked, he could finally answer something.

Thinking of Taeyong, would this count as snacking? He’d have to ask Ten and check if it’d be unhealthy. He didn’t want to do unhealthy things.

Xiaojun's attention was drawn to the big, lit-up stars, that were hung up over the street above where he and Johnny were currently standing. It was Christmas decoration – presumably- but it looked really pretty and didn't make his mood drop because he'd be reminded of the deadline.

Generally, Xiaojun found the stars quite intriguing. He had spent a great amount of time staring at his phone case and then looked up pictures of the galaxy on the search engine his phone could use. He found them beautiful and mysterious at the same time, because of how far they were away. It was a little hard to even try and imagine just how far, and how huge they would be, were he next to them, but that made it even more interesting.

“Hey pretty, are you here all alone? No owner?”

The thoughts of stars and their size were immediately interrupted, and Xiaojun snapped back to reality. The man who had just spoken was alone, wearing a slick smile and a slightly over-flashy suit, full of confidence – he knew he could treat Xiaojun however he wanted and get away with it, and he used that privilege to the full extent. The scent of alcohol lingered in his breath, and it got worse as he leaned closer.

Similar to money, alcohol often made people cruel. They didn't think about any morals anymore, just did what they secretly had always wanted to. They didn't remember any consequences, such as monetary issues if they overstepped a line.

Alcohol was a drug, Xiaojun had learnt that when he had been little. A legal one, but still a drug, that would alter the perception of reality and change a person’s behaviour. He had felt the effect on himself more than a few times, and he never enjoyed it.

Alcohol in a man that looked like he made a living collecting Danegeld was a ticking time bomb, waiting to hurt him. This type of person was who he had hoped to evade by standing back here – there just wasn't any escaping them, was there?

"Hey, how much for an hour? I'll help you have a good time," he asked, but not even bothering to address Xiaojun this time, instead talking to Johnny behind himself.

“Fuck off, I’m not servicing anyone.” Xiaojun snarled, but his voice was shaky. He knew he didn’t have to go anywhere with this man, that he wouldn’t have to let him push him down and force himself onto him. But the memory of when it hadn’t been like that was stronger, making him feel scared and out of control, expecting to be pushed into his direction, grabbed, and then stripped against his will.

“Oh, pretty and feisty, I like that. Don’t worry, I know how to tame you.”

Hatred and fear mixed in Xiaojun’s stomach over the words. Pretty, and nothing more. Pretty and dumb, that’s what the man thought, what so many of them thought. Tame him, as in hold or tie him down, hold his nose until he had to open his mouth. The memories were vividly in his head, nearly taking his breath from fear. The stranger reached out to caress his face, and the disgusting scent of alcohol grew stronger. It was all too familiar.

Taeil had promised he wouldn't have to service, so he wasn't going to. This gross man had no right to touch him if he didn't want him to.

"You're way out of line, how about you back off." Xiaojun heard Johnny, but he wasn't going to hope for this man to accept a no when he knew he wouldn't. He'd hurt him – if Xiaojun didn't get to him first.

He was wearing gloves, a scratch wouldn't do much harm. So, he balled his hand into a fist and swung it across the man's face. It connected full-on, an ugly noise filling the air.

Immediately, the stranger sputtered and stumbled backwards.

He could almost feel where the man’s fingers had nearly touched but hadn’t, and the scent of liquor was still in his nose. A punch would only buy him a little time. The man would recover and his wrath would be worse, he’d let it out on Xiaojun if he didn’t get away – just where to? He’d be forced back into one room with the customer and then there’d be no escaping him, his hands, and his cruelty.

No.

It wasn’t like that anymore, he didn’t have to endure it anymore, the man wouldn’t get to use him. He was still trembling and his breath coming short. It felt like he was living a mixture of his memories and reality, where he knew what to expect next, but tried to reason with himself it wouldn’t happen – not anymore. But no matter how many times he repeated the mantra of being safe now, the feeling of hands on his thighs was echoing so strongly from his mind, it felt like they were currently on them, squeezing and restricting, pushing Xiaojun where they wanted him.

Suddenly, Johnny was in front of him and broke the imaginary scene off. He must have been moving before Xiaojun had ever hit. His back blocking his view, the knowledge someone was stepping in for him – not for the man – finally seemed to allow him back into reality. The sensation of hands holding him down and pain sparking over his body ended. He was safe and would not have to service. Taeil had promised.

The man seemed to realise what had just happened. However, whatever reaction would have come right at Xiaojun, and potentially hurt him, was now blocked off by Johnny.

“That little beast just punched me! Don’t have him quite in check, do you?”

Xiaojun tried to look past him, but Johnny was too tall for him to be able to look over his shoulder. He’d love to punch the other again, just because he was so angry that he’d dare to think he was entitled to touching him, but that probably wasn’t the best way to de-escalate the situation. Violence wasn’t the solution, but Xiaojun hadn’t learnt what better way to solve an advance like this yet.

Thankfully, he wasn't alone. Thankfully, Johnny had not only snapped him back to reality but also was there to handle what was too much for Xiaojun.

“Clearly, you were making highly inappropriate comments and he simply defended himself. He’s not some ware for you to touch.” Johnny snarled back.

“Well… the slut shouldn’t be walking around if he wasn’t for everyone.”

Xiaojun swallowed thickly and tried to ignore the sting from being reminded of that. It wouldn't quite work. It still hurt, even if he tried to let it bounce off and tell himself this man was a huge asshole.

His body had been used for sexual fantasies against his will countless times. He couldn't go back in time to when he had been pure and innocent, mainly confused by why on earth anyone would want to do these things their breeder had them be taught about and that made the other boys giggle and blush, but sounded about as inviting as eating overcooked rice to Xiaojun. That wasn't the issue. Xiaojun didn't enjoy partaking in anything sexual, and the force and violence that seemed inherent made it even less inviting, but he didn't think there was any shame in having sex per se.

What made him want to curl up and cry, was the objectification behind the words. To them, he was a toy, not a person. Something on the street for anyone to take and do whatever they wanted to with. He was just a Hybrid, after all, and no level of freedom and respect Taeil would show him could change these other people’s minds.

That was why the word hurt so much.

“Hey. He left.” Johnny’s soft voice cut through the dark thoughts in Xiaojun’s head, and he looked up and around, but Johnny was right. Where the guy had been was just an empty spot now. “Are you okay?”

Xiaojun nodded, but he felt himself tear up. Partly over the hurtful words, partly over Johnny being so supportive. He had handled the situation for Xiaojun, very maturely and reasonably, and now he was checking on him, too. He seemed like exactly the type of person Ten deserved, someone really wonderful.

“Doesn’t look very okay to me. Did you hurt your hand? A punch can take a toll.”

“N-no, it’s okay. Thank you, for making him go away.” Xiaojun sniffled. He rubbed his gloves over his eyes to soak up the tears quickly. His hand was a little bit sore, but it hadn’t been the first punch he had thrown, he had learnt how to keep the pain to a minimum.

"Ayeeee, Hyung, you made Ten's junior cry? We only left for half an eternity this Takoyaki took to make. That's no way to charm a man's heart." Donghyuck's loud voice came from the street and Ten came hurried over, a small paper-plate of something steaming hot in hand.

"What happened? Is everything okay?" he asked, balancing the food in one hand and using the other to pull Xiaojun's from his face. His eyes flitted over to Johnny as if he was still worried Xiaojun might find him scary and cry because of him.

“Some man made very inappropriate comments towards Xiaojun.” Johnny quickly filled in.

“Fuck, really? Can you never catch a break?” Donghyuck teasing attitude dropped and he looked genuinely concerned, angry even.

"Language," Johnny muttered and shrugged.

“I hope you gave them a piece of your mind and told them it was punishable under article three of the Hybrid annexe of the Protection of Animals Act!” Donghyuck huffed.

"No one even knows if Korean courts would apply the rule as the Norwegian court did." Ten sighed, then seemed to realise Xiaojun had no clue what was going on and explained: "A Norwegian court was the first to accept a psychological expert's opinion that made emotional harm on a Hybrid comparable to physical one in terms of damage and ruled someone guilty over it. It's a great step forward, but it might take some time to become an international standard."

"They better hurry to make it. We can go into revision if they don't accept it. It's scientific and everything, hell, I could go to see Doctor Kim tomorrow and have him certify that unasked for sexual harassment nearly made me get social anxiety – ME! I thrive off social contact!" Donghyuck huffed and Xiaojun suddenly realised that this Hybrid rights thing he hadn't been sure would go anywhere was not just important to the others, like Donghyuck, no, it had the potential to change all of their lives.

If humans were willing to listen.

Regardless, in this situation Xiaojun was quite sure there was a major problem with the whole illegality thing:

"Well, uh, I kinda punched him, so wouldn't that be a problem in turn?" He wasn't too well versed in law, as that obviously would require proper education, but he knew for sure punching people wasn't allowed.

“Wait, really?” Ten blinked.

Xiaojun looked away, feeling ashamed over having reacted so violently. Again. What would Ten think of him? He had said it because it was best to stick to the truth but now, he wished he had reacted maturely and calmly, how Johnny had.

“You don’t need to worry about that, you did it out of self-defence. That’s a very different situation from just walking up to someone and starting trouble. Any court would understand that concept, it’s been long established.” Johnny reassured him.

Ten still looked baffled.

"I don't condone violence, but I think that's sort of cool and these perverts all deserve a hard kick in the nuts. Here, wanna try? They're really yummy and they've cooled down to the point where you don't burn your whole mouth anymore." Donghyuck suddenly held a small dough ball in front of Xiaojun's face, resolving the weird situation he had found himself in from his confession. His nose twitched when he smelt the, what was the name? Takoyaki?

Xiaojun opened his mouth and Donghyuck fed him the whole thing. It was still a little too hot for comfort, but it tasted… “So good!” Xiaojun must have looked quite silly talking with a full mouth, gasping the words around it, but the other three’s laughter didn’t feel mocking – especially when Ten cooed and patted his cheek.

Maybe… maybe Donghyuck wasn’t as bad as he had initially judged?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still thrive off writing Johnny in this AU and I’m shamelessly pushing my agenda to make him the perfect gentle giant.
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I’ll be picking up the pace bc I don’t want to torture you with another 4 chapters of pure angst and fighting – not just you, but also myself. There’s still SO many things I want to write in this story and I need to get things moving or we’ll be here until the end of times (we might still be, this will be longer than Moon Diamond, I broke MD’s word count and I only have 14 fully finished chapter so far, the rest is raw, meaning it’ll get longer as I edit). I hope it’ll still be enjoyable despite being less detailed than this story normally would be for this chapter. 
> 
> Anyway, [this](https://66.media.tumblr.com/96d0f19987791d1bcc252bfd8d4c6bfe/tumblr_pup2a8r70T1vaozwio1_400.gif) is the cutest thing, I can’t. [Credit](https://nakamotens.tumblr.com/post/186308360176/they-set-poor-xiaojun-up-for-embarrassment)

To Xiaojun, the smartphone became more than just a way to call other people or write texts. Obviously, those both were great, but it could do so much more!

When he heard something he had never heard of before in a conversation, instead of having to accept he was uneducated and dumb, he could now type it into the search engine and figure out what it was he was missing information on. No one would know he did it, no one could make fun of him. It was just between himself and the phone.

The privacy made Xiaojun courageous enough to look up even silly, small things he definitely should have known but didn’t. It made all the difference in being able to keep up with the others, which alone made him inseparable from the device.

 

The second most important thing, Xiaojun found irreplaceable just after a few days, was the endless selection of music the app for streaming had. There were Christmas carols, though he still didn’t really like them other than when he was learning them with Yuta. Then there were songs he knew from his childhood, that made warm memories come back to his mind. And then there were a billion new ones he had never heard before.

There were different languages, different instruments, different voices, different beats, melodies, different types of singing, different messages in the lyrics – when Xiaojun understood them.

He could get lost in them for hours without noticing half a day had passed until someone called for a meal.

Since earphones didn’t work for Hybrid ears, Xiaojun never dared to turn the volume up higher than absolutely necessary to understand where he was listening to them in the far corner to try and not bother anyone else. He didn’t have much else to do. Getting lost in songs was much more fun than struggling to scribble some ugly Christmas trees into his sketchbook, listening to another puzzling lesson Jeno got from Doyoung or taking yet another nap on the pillow fortress despite not really being tired, just bored.

Xiaojun had used music and lyrics to express what no one would listen to or he didn’t want to tell, but he hadn’t known so did other people. In their music, Xiaojun could hear their struggles, those problems they couldn’t tell anyone. Some of them talked about things Xiaojun hadn’t experienced himself, some he hadn’t even heard of, like time in prison, struggles with parents, or gun violence.

Some had similar worries like himself. They also wanted to be accepted but felt they didn’t fit, they had been hurt in the past and were scared to trust again, they had been forced into a life they had never wanted for themselves, with no one listening to what they had to say.

Xiaojun listened and he related.

He found those that felt the same as him when Jisung made a comment that felt mocking, or when Doyoung talked about the laws of gravity to Jeno and everything went over Xiaojun’s head from where he tried to eavesdrop. He found company in their words, he felt like someone understood he didn’t mean to snap when he felt ridiculed and dumb and that he wanted to trust but just didn’t know how.

What he didn’t find, was a solution to how to avoid hissing at Jeno, hitting Jaemin, getting into a fight with Guanheng the second a chance arose, snapping at Taeyong, cutting off Doyoung, and denying Sicheng’s suggestions to join when they did some shared activity.

There wasn’t an answer to why things got worse when they should be getting better.

Older patterns reappeared, old doubts gained traction in his head, and issues he had thought had overcome suddenly made daily life seem nearly impossible to him.

That was the problem.

Xiaojun felt he wasn’t alone in where he was in his head right now, but he didn’t want to stay there. As much as they helped and supported him, these songs seemed to not consider the next step, they wouldn’t make him change into a better person.

 

He tried to grow, how Taeil had said he could. But in the end, he found he couldn’t.

He felt threatened and only realised later there was no reason to, but at that point, Taeil had already had to apply plasters to scratched arms and necks.

He felt mocked and pulled away from trying to build friendships with others than Chenle, and only realised it hadn’t been a mockery when he googled it later.

He learnt about the organisation that did the whole Hybrid rights thing the others were so passionate about, but in the end, Xiaojun didn’t need rights if he couldn’t even handle the freedom Taeil was offering him right now.

 

Because his head was broken, and he couldn’t fix it!

 

He was offered niceness, he was trusted, but he couldn’t go and return that because he was terrified it might still maybe be a trap.

The more apparent it became that in this family, where he wanted to fit into, he’d stay an outsider because the change that needed to happen and the was supposed to be possible to happen just wouldn’t work for Xiaojun, the more frustrating and the angrier with himself he became. Not only himself: those people in his past, who hurt him, his hatred for them grew. Yet there was no outlet for all that energy other than his lyrics, and it wasn’t enough.

When he found a minor reason that was hard to deal with, he completely flipped, letting it out of whoever had been unlucky enough to rub him the wrong way.

After, Xiaojun only felt worse. It was a vicious cycle he was trapped in.

There were only so many times he could go and apologise. If he didn’t deliver on the growth part, these words became meaningless. Eventually, patience would run out.

 

He knew it already had for Doyoung. On Friday, after Xiaojun had called him arrogant the day before when he had suggested a book for him to read, he didn’t bring him to the office. It was only Ten, and Sicheng clinging onto him, going.

There were only so many times he could secretly sneak under Kun’s blanket to cuddle him and try to soothe the loneliness he felt but had brought upon himself. At some point, Kun would be fed up with having to constantly console Xiaojun and pat tears of his face when Xiaojun had been the one to bring himself into whatever upsetting situation it had been that day.

Kun always realised when there’d be a problem, sometimes before Xiaojun did, and was the one that’d find Xiaojun and gently rub his back, but even Kun’s angel-like mindset would eventually break if there was absolutely no development, Xiaojun knew it would.

Overall, he was just a huge disappointment for everyone, especially Taeil. Reminding himself of that also didn’t help, it just made him angrier and even nastier than he already was.

 

Xiaojun hadn’t planned to not be around for Christmas. There was no reason to not put that plan into action, other than Yuta having said there were things after to look forward to. He tried to ignore it, but those words had planted doubt in his plans.

 

In Xiaojun’s logical reasoning, he shouldn’t be having doubts. Just ending it before the dreaded date made perfect sense!

Right now, he felt as though he at least had a few people he could consider to be on friendly terms with, Yuta being one of three. Plus, he still had Chenle, a real friend, friendship confirmed by himself, not just projected from Xiaojun’s hopes and dreams.

But Chenle came with Jisung, Yangyang, and Yukhei as an extension pack – all three people Xiaojun couldn’t grow used to. Eventually, Chenle would probably notice and no longer want to watch more movies with him, video chat in the evening, or exchange music links.

Maybe he was already at that point, but too polite to say?

Soon, all this what he had right now would be gone, and Xiaojun knew he’d be even more miserable because there was no one else to blame but himself. He could go now, knowing he had at least made one friend, and had three that could be close to being ones. He could freeze this moment, and just go. All the suffering, all the pain, all the terrible memories – they’d be gone and taken care of.

Christmas was a good ending point, a good deadline. Literally.

Xiaojun stared over the countless lights of Seoul that never let it get fully dark. He had snuck from the bed to the living room, specifically to go here and be alone. He wanted to end it. The living room was good because it had the balcony to drop himself from. His time was up, he had known it would be for weeks.

Now that he was here, he couldn’t find it in himself to even open the balcony door.

Death was awfully final, there was no coming back from it. What if there wasn’t this heaven he dreamt of? What if it was only down here, that he’d have friends?

He knew he could keep them if only he managed to finally change his behaviour and deliver on the growth he owed everyone. He wanted to, so, so much.

Tomorrow, he told himself. He’d try one more day of changing. If he didn’t succeed tomorrow, he could go and do it in the evening.

 

The day started with Xiaojun not wanting to get out of bed. The bed was warm, and safe, and non-threatening. He couldn’t mess up here, he could ignore his stupid head, he didn’t have to see his ugly body, it was perfect.

Kun, unfortunately, eventually freed himself from Xiaojun’s grasp, but even alone, it was preferable to having to face his problems and issues, only to come to the realisation that he was too fucked up and would never succeed in changing.

“Rise and shine! It’s Christmas day, there are cookies, and carols, and TV-shows, and the Christmas tree looks like it’ll collapse anytime soon now!”

Xiaojun dove deeper under his blanket and scooted towards the wall, away from where Yuta’s cheerful voice came from.

Who’d really miss Xiaojun and his terrible temper anyway? No one, that was who.

The mattress dipped and someone pulled the blanket off his head.

“I know you’re there!”

Xiaojun buried his face in the sheets under him, pretending to not hear Yuta. Which was stupid, he realised, but if he’d just not leave the bed, he wouldn’t fuck anything up and he could go sneak away in the evening when no one else was around – the perfect solution!

However, Yuta started to scratch his nape just right and Xiaojun felt a purr build in his chest. After a few seconds of struggling, he flopped around and looked up at Yuta.

“Good morning. Come on, let’s have breakfast!”

 

He let himself be dragged from bed reluctantly, ate his soup obediently, and listened to the Christmas playlist echo through the living room, everyone singing along.

Xiaojun knew the songs. They were the carols he and Yuta had practised, but he didn’t want to join. He wasn’t part of this family of happiness. He didn’t feel happy, he didn’t feel like family – he felt like a bad person interrupting what could be perfect harmony – Guanheng hated him, Doyoung was annoyed with him, and everyone else had to be disappointed whether they were openly showing it or not. They could have had a nice Christmas if Xiaojun weren’t here to ruin it.

Regret over not having been able to end it last night made him sink lower and lower into his seat. Disappearing physically would just be the best, wouldn’t it? That way he’d no longer have to face how awful a person he was.

 

While the others curled up on the sofa, Xiaojun silently stuffed his face with cookies. Allegedly, they made everything better, but there was no effect. He waited until he knew there was no way he’d fit onto any sofa, and settled on the ground, alone. The last person to join the TV-party was Sicheng, who also sat down where Xiaojun was.

He could go and cuddle with Sicheng. It’d be a lot nicer than being alone. Sicheng wasn’t only wearing his festive sweater, he had a pair of pyjama bottoms with candy canes printed all over it and had been in the brightest mood all day.

He was the polar opposite of Xiaojun, and he worried his terrible mood would rub off if he so much as came closer.

Plus, the voices in his head reminding him Sicheng wasn’t safe. They had a blast torturing him these days. It seemed like they got louder, rather than softer how they were supposed to be.

He needed them to go away, so he could change! He wanted to!

His dumb head was ruining everything.

 

Xiaojun didn’t even pay attention to the film. It was probably about the nth love triangle, and he was sick of them. He was sick of seeing girls being chased by men and get their happily ever after without anyone ever having to doubt it. It all seemed to easy! Even the issues that might be there – family disagreeing, someone trying to sabotage their relationship – were always so easy to overcome.

As if!

 

Xiaojun stared at the chicken swimming in his lunch-ramen, while everyone else excitedly discussed the afternoon plans.

He had been right. Christmas sucked! Because everyone else had friends and a family, and he had a broken head and an ugly body.

 

When he reached out to help himself to more gingerbread, as he found eating was better than doing absolutely nothing, and Guanheng snatched the last piece from under his fingers, it was enough to tick him off.

Smaller things had been the reason for temper tantrums, recently. All his frustration with himself and this behaviour, as well as his wish to fix it, suddenly turned off, the only thing overwhelming him was raw anger.

**“I was going to take that first!”**

**“We did at the same time, but you already had three.”**

**“We did not! I bet you don’t even want to eat any, you only took it so I couldn’t.”** Xiaojun felt tears collect in his eyes, as he rose his volume to let out all this anger he was feeling.

**“And what if I did? Want to go cry? It’s not like it’d ruin the mood more if you did, you could at least try to not be like a raincloud all day when it’s Christmas!”**

**“I’m not trying to ruin the mood, I’ve not once got involved into anything, I’m literally just fucking sitting here.”**

“Please don’t fight,” Taeyong worriedly came from somewhere on the table, but Xiaojun was furious, unable to hear any reason.

**“Well, you are! It’s like it’s your hobby. I get shit is hard, but everyone is leaning over backwards and you don’t even try to appreciate how much of an effort they’re making for you.”**

**“How the fuck do you know what is hard for me? You have your stupid perfect face, immaculate body, pleasant personality, and a shit ton of friends. I bet the hardest shit in your life so far as been smiling at the breeding union’s idiots for giving you stars.”**

**“How would you know? You’re such an entitled, egocentric douche bag!”**

**“You’re a spoilt, ignorant pushover!”**

**“You’re a manipulative, arrogant asshole!”**

**“You’re a two-faced bully!”**

Guanheng jumped up in a flash and threw his chopsticks over the table, hitting Xiaojun in the face with them.

He was so surprised by the action he didn’t react at all.

“That’s enough, you two.” Taeil had gotten up and rounded the table, holding Guanheng down from climbing over it.

A human saying the words and stepping in meant Xiaojun couldn’t get back at the other. He felt upset over having to let him win, but he couldn’t go against Taeil.

“How about we go and have a little talk about why you two keep getting into fights, hm? The others will clean up here and we’ll clear up the air before the next film, how about it?”

Xiaojun nodded reluctantly, as did Guanheng.

 

Taeil brought them downstairs, to talk in peace.

Xiaojun just wanted to stay here and no longer ruin the mood for everyone else. He felt terribly guilty. He had fucked up, again. Of course, he had, he had known he would before even getting up in the morning. Why, why couldn’t he just be normal? Why was he so angry, when things had already been better?

Everything should be easier now. He had his phone, he had people to trust, he had gotten better at liking the others. Why was he taking steps backwards when he was supposed to be moving forward?

Taeil tried to get them to talk, but Guanheng wouldn’t admit what he had said, and Xiaojun wasn’t going to make himself look like the only aggressor in the situation. He was already looking bad enough as it was, as the one constantly ruining everything. If he took the full blame in this one situation, where he hadn’t been the only one to mess up, he’d just make everyone hate him more.

 

He hid behind the sofa for the rest of the day. He couldn’t leave and go curl up in his bed because that’d break the buddy system promise, but he couldn’t bear to even let the others seen him and drag them down more.

Occasionally, someone petted his head when they leaned over the backrest to check on him.

He wasn’t alone, but he felt lonelier than he had had in months, years even.

It hurt. Everything hurt, and he wanted it to stop, to go away.

 

But Xiaojun couldn’t open the balcony door. He just wanted to change, he really wanted to make it right, make it work, so he could fit in, have this: friends and family he wished for more than anything in the world.

Tomorrow, he told himself. He’d try one more day of changing. If he didn’t succeed tomorrow, he could go and do it in the evening.

 

Because Taeil’s office was closed for a week, everyone was home, and Xiaojun tried to go and become friendlier with Jaehyun. He was trustworthy, wasn’t he? He hadn’t once even nearly crossed any boundaries, he hadn’t made Xiaojun feel unwelcome at the same time. He was just… there. The person Xiaojun seemed to know the least about, other than that he had some issues with his skin. It should be easy, just how it had been with Chenle.

It wasn’t.

He couldn’t even get close and say the first word, his instincts were screaming at him, making him immobile. It seemed it wasn’t only his dumb, messed up head boycotting him, now, it was his whole body that stopped his dreams, stopped him improving and getting better, finding that home and family offered.

He was incapable of change, of growth, he was a lost cause and there was no room for him anywhere.

 

But Xiaojun couldn’t open the balcony door. He wanted to be given one more chance, to try and make it right, make the growth happen. He wanted to have a family and a home so badly.

Tomorrow, he told himself. He’d try one more day of changing. If he didn’t succeed tomorrow, he could go and do it in the evening.

 

Xiaojun tried becoming closer to Taeyong. Taeyong was an easier option than Jaehyun because he had already let him pet his ears a few times.

But Taeyong was with his boyfriend, doing boyfriend-things. Xiaojun had tried to apologise to Doyoung one too many times. While Doyoung had accepted it, he had grown cold and kept an unnatural distance from Xiaojun since. He had used up all his chances. He didn’t resent Doyoung for it, it had been his own fault for being such a terrible person and continuously mean. He knew when to stay away, so he couldn’t get to Taeyong, and to blame was no one else but himself because he had messed up with Doyoung.

 

But Xiaojun couldn’t open the balcony door. He just wanted to change, he really wanted to make it right, make it work, so he could fit in, have this.

Tomorrow, he told himself. He’d try one more day of changing. If he didn’t succeed tomorrow, he could go and do it in the evening.

 

For Chenle, to keep him as his friend, he wanted to try and become friends with Jisung and Yangyang. The video games seemed safe if they played together there wasn’t anything that should go wrong.

Only, of course, it did. When Yangyang got annoyed over having lost and complained that Xiaojun had to be cheating, he snapped at him. He didn’t even know how to cheat, how dare he accuse him of such a thing? Honesty was the most important trait to Xiaojun, he had not once lied unless it was absolutely unavoidable.

In the end, a beaming and wholly unbothered Yukhei delivered a dog Hybrid with a bite on his arm and a cat Hybrid with a bite on his leg to Taeil, who took an emergency break from his vacation to patch Xiaojun and Yangyang up.

Xiaojun wasn’t even angry over the mark Yangyang had left on his leg. He had deserved that. It was his fault, his broken head had brought it upon himself. It didn’t change the fact that the bite was on his leg, a previously lesser marred place on his body that was now completely ruined as well.

He had tried to shake thinking of his scars as being something that made him worthless. Only, they really did, and he found himself incapable of not thinking so. Old patterns returned slowly the more frustrated with himself he grew. He couldn’t not measure his worth by attaching the value to his body when his brain turned out to be worthless, incapable of overcoming his past when he really wanted to.

Subjective beauty or not, no one would find someone like Xiaojun beautiful – scarred everywhere and nasty on the inside. As a Hybrid, he’d always be held to the standard there was of what looks were expected of him, and he knew full well how far from meeting those he was by now.

 

All the crying made him so dead tired he couldn’t stay up until everyone was asleep to go and finally try to open the balcony door and pull through with it. He fell asleep wrapped around Kun’s arm, while the other was still reading, and when he woke the chance to end his life had passed once more.

 

If Xiaojun couldn’t put his plans into action, despite knowing how fully reasonable they were and how unavoidable death was for a way out of this hell he was living in, he knew who had to be at fault for the doubt: the very first person to put it there.

Lucky for him, it was Friday. He could go and kick the doubts from where they were pestering him, and then hopefully end it all today. The suffering would finally be over, there wouldn’t be any pain anymore, no more tears, no more hopelessness upon realising how fucked up he was.

 

“ _You! I hate you! It’s all your fault that I can’t even decide I want to finally die! You took my control, I want it back! Taeil-Ge gave me freedom, you don’t get to take it from me!”_

Xiaojun hadn’t even taken off his jacket, and Yixing looked rather surprised where he stood with the door in hand. Xiaojun was the only one here today, other than Kun, who had brought him despite Xiaojun feeling terrible for wasting his time. Why even bother with the buddy-system anymore? He kept throwing away all the chances and opportunities given to him whether he wanted to or not. It was hopeless and not worth it, just a waste of everyone’s time and nerves.

Yixing’s smile wasn’t bright and overly annoying today, but it was still there, like a psychopath who enjoyed taking other peoples’ free will away.

“ _I don’t want to do this anymore, any of this. I tried to before and I could, but now I can’t and I know it’s your fault, so I demand you undo whatever you did to make me so weak!”_ Xiaojun tried to land a hit on Yixing, to let out all this anger and fear and frustration, but, like during their first sessions, the human easily evaded any scratches and bites.

“ _Xiaojun, I haven’t done anything to you. If I could heal mental illness and trauma magically, believe me, I would be travelling the world and bringing such a blessing to every single person I could. There’s no magic against it, unfortunately.”_

_“How is that unfortunately? Messing with other peoples’ heads is sick! You need to stop doing it, so I can finally fucking die, how I should have months ago, how I wanted to. I was right, this life isn’t worth living!”_

Xiaojun gasped for air and waited for Yixing to react, to give in, admit what he had done to mess with his head. But Yixing remained calm, with that small smile on. Like he always seemed to do, he returned a question instead:

_“When was months ago? When you tried to jump down the staircase but Yuta stopped you?”_

Xiaojun couldn’t help raising the volume of his voice now. Yixing could pretend to be understanding and nice and helpful all he wanted. He wasn’t, he was just a human who tried to control Xiaojun and he knew nothing about him, especially not this, and Xiaojun wanted to let him know just how useless he was.

_“No, when I got away from that cruel, monstrous asshole of a handler, who can rot in fucking hell for his shit.”_

_“Was that before you ran away?”_

_“Why do you care, just shut up and let me have my control back! I’m not playing your game anymore!”_

_“Well, it is important to know, to get you that control back.”_

Xiaojun took a deep breath. He didn’t want to remember. He didn’t want to think of that place he had been at, of that monster that was part of why he was the way he was: broken and unfixable. He didn’t want to think of how badly that fall had hurt, but how relief had never come because it simply hadn’t been high enough.

But he needed this control. He needed it so it could then be over.

“ _It was before. It was when I decided I just wanted to fucking die because it was the best and the only option there was. But when it didn’t work, I tried to run because I knew they’d stop me. I asked them to just kill me so many times, but they never would, even when they had no trouble shooing someone that had gotten into their bad graces. It was specifically that they didn’t want to kill me – watching me suffer was more fun, making me make them more money was more profitable. They never let me do anything I wanted, they never cared what I said, they only did what they wanted to. They laughed when I cried, they made my friends betray me by tempting them with mercy if they did._

_“They took everything I had, they took my friends, my worth, my body, everything! And now that they’re gone, they’re still the reason why I can’t change. I think of what they did whenever I try to, and I can’t shake it. I always wanted friends, now I have friends but because of them, I will lose them. Due to them, I’m a terrible person and incapable of change because I’m broken. There’s nothing inside worth of value, but they also took the beauty that made me expensive when they first got me. I have nothing left._

_“I realised my breeder wasn’t a good person either, he told me lies I didn’t know I could doubt, but I can try and forget what he said. I was able to think there was something else than perfect looks, or maybe someone would still find me beautiful despite everything. Maybe I could learn things that my breeder had said I’d never understand, and there was another purpose than only be a servant to a human._

_“But they… I hate them! What they did broke something, and because of them, I can’t have this life I want, even though it’s right there! It’s right in front of me, and I can’t have it because they broke me, and I can’t change and overcome it. I just… I just want this all to end, but even that I can’t do because of you! I still think there’s a chance. Then I try and it doesn’t work, but I have this hope that it could still work out, and then I fuck it up more because it’s wrong. There’s no hope for me, the only way out of this is to die, so I no longer had to feel any of this… this sadness and this failure!”_

_“So, you want to have all these things it’s worth living for?”_

_“Of fucking course! I want them so badly, but I can’t! Are you listening? I can’t!”_ Xiaojun’s voice was sore from all the screaming he was doing when he normally didn’t. He tried to hit Yixing again, but he sidestepped and Xiaojun overbalanced and tripped, hitting the ground. He couldn’t help sobbing, not even bothering to move. Wasn’t this the perfect place for him? Lying, uselessly, on the floor?

_“Yes, yes you can, Xiaojun. You said you were able to reconsider the ideas your breeder put into your head because you realised the problems about them.”_

_“But it does-doesn’t work with them!”_

_“What you just explained to me, what they did to you, it was so terrible that it left a wound, not one you can see, but one on your soul. Those things, your breeder taught you, were like small cuts you were able to heal by putting a plaster on them and taking care of them. And you did that! You showed great change out of nothing but your own personal motivation and effort, with the support of a social network that is the basis for every human or Hybrid to be happy. However, some things leave wounds so big you can’t heal them with a plaster. It might seem like you could do some damage control, but if there’s no real attention put to them, they will continue to bleed and drain you. That way even those small wounds can’t heal properly since all your body has to focus on are these big, painful things that won’t go away and threaten your health to the degree of endangering your life.”_

_“So, I’m broken! I already k-knew that, I didn’t n-need you to say it!”_ Xiaojun buried his face in the sleeves of the Mark-person’s jacket and tried to ignore Yixing being there.

“ _You’re not broken, you’re hurt. You tried to put on plasters, but it wouldn’t heal these wounds. They need to be properly treated, like when Taeil would have to use stitches on a wound to help it close and then get better.”_

_“But I don’t know how to do any of that!”_

_“No, but I do. My job is to put stitches on these wounds on a soul, so they can heal and you can finally be pain-free. Since these wounds are on your soul, I, unfortunately, can’t just go and treat them on my own. I need your help, you need to assist me. Only you know where exactly it hurts. You need to let me in a bit to get better, and you need to want to become better, or the stitches won’t hold. I can assure you, despite needing you to show me where it hurts inside and where we need to pay attention to, I will not take your control. I want you to become your own, healthy person, independent and self-determined. I know you already are, under the pain and hurt. I want to help you find that person, in charge of your own life and happiness and free of any monsters.”_

_“So… if I do… then I could… forget and… become better?”_

_“You can overcome what happened. If you can forget depends on yourself. However, you will be able to at one point look back and no longer feel pain. What happened won’t control your life anymore, only you will. These memories won’t be so terrible that you have to forget them in order to live anymore.”_

Xiaojun stared at the floor under his arms for another second, contemplating these words.

If Yixing was a doctor for these things, then he’d have to trust he’d really keep his word and do that healing work he had announced he would. Xiaojun clearly wasn’t able to do it himself, but yes: He wanted to overcome and change, so he could become a better person and have friends, even a family. So he could live happily.

He would have to fully trust Yixing, right? It’d be necessary to work with him and cooperate. He’d have to tell Yixing all these things he feared and wanted to forget, that made him so broken and horrible, that he didn’t want the others to find out.

_“You can’t tell anyone else,”_ Xiaojun whispered. If only Yixing knew, and by his help, he could maybe really fix it, then no one else would find out, no one else could use it to taunt and ridicule him.

“ _Of course not. All doctors as compelled to keep their patients’ personal information private. I never tell anyone anything you do, not even Taeil.”_

Xiaojun nodded and slowly sat up from where he had been lying. He rubbed his face dry of tears and took a calming breath.

_“I’m sorry I blamed you when it was me who was at fault. I want to become better. Can… can you help me? Please?”_

_“Yes, of course. I’m very happy you’re finally ready to work together. You managed to take a very important and very hard first step, that you can be proud of: get the help that you need.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously English has hardly any levels of politeness, however, the people in this story speak Korean/Chinese, which does offer you the option. In Korean, it’s normal to automatically use a higher level of politeness with people older than you, but speak more comfortably with those the same age, so keep that in mind for this chapter~
> 
> [Why is he so cute?](https://wx4.sinaimg.cn/mw690/007wky4zly1g535p7oafwj30qo140x5z.jpg) [credit](https://www.weibo.com/p/1005056890670115/home?from=page_100505&mod=TAB&is_hot=1#_rnd1563649650224) (It'll open and say you have no permission or something along the lines. you'll ge to the picture by clicking the link in the search bar and re-confirming with enter)

Talking to Yixing, deciding to trust him for only the reason that it was either this or death, helped.

There wasn’t even much time left after Xiaojun’s fit, but it was enough to release the pressure and tension of the recent days to the point that he felt like himself again.

The hope that maybe he could actually change, which had been small and faint, just enough to keep him alive, had sparked into a bright flame.

Yixing had told him to give himself time because even with his help it wouldn’t all magically go away, it’d still be a process that wouldn’t always be a straight line.

Xiaojun understood that. It was okay to take time, as long as he was going to eventually get better. With Yixing’s help, he hoped he actually could, from now on. It wasn’t even that awful talking to him when Xiaojun wasn’t set on hating him and everything about him.

 

Still, he found himself in the living room, well past midnight. The flat laid in quiet, save for the hum of the refrigerator occasionally turning on, and Xiaojun stared out the window.

The lights of the city were beautiful. He had always thought they were, but tonight he was taking extra time to acknowledge their beauty.

He had managed to not get into any fights today, after returning from Yixing. All the frustration and aggression, that had made him snap like a spring under pressure the last days, had faded and was replaced by true hope it’d really get better now. He felt much calmer, despite the fear still being there. He still remembered all the terrible things about the monsters and all the doubt was still gnawing on his mind. The hope was just stronger than the fear now.

He had been able to scrub his body in the bath earlier, without the only thought in his head being how ugly and useless it had become. The idea of inner values and subjective beauty was already stronger again and overpowered the voices of self-hatred.

There was hope, there was no reason to end it when he could still believe he’d maybe manage to reach his goal, his dream.

“Xiaojun?”

He jerked around at the voice breaking the silence of the night.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

It was Yuta.

Xiaojun immediately felt guilty for being here alone, and technically breaking his promise to Taeyong, but the tone wasn’t accusatory. In the middle of the night, there was no one around to ask to accompany him, so it seemed justifiable to use that as a loophole.

“Uh, just… looking. At the city. Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“I heard you leave your bed, and at first I thought you might be going to the loo, but when you didn’t come back I started to get worried.”

“Oh. Sorry.” Xiaojun bowed his head in remorse.

“Were you really only looking at the city? Or were you looking at the city?” Yuta asked, and Xiaojun knew exactly what he meant when he was just repeating the same sentence with different stressing.

“No, I was really only looking. Today.”

“Today?” Yuta sounded not as reassured as Xiaojun had hoped he would.

“Really, I didn’t think any of that!” Xiaojun hurried to reconfirm. Yuta stepped closer and took his hand, tugging on it to make him step away from the window and toward the sofa, where they sat down. Yuta didn’t let go, and Xiaojun looked back at him for a moment. His gaze was so knowing he couldn’t hold it, guilt eating him up.

How did Yuta seem to be able to look right past the answer? How had he even known to ask?

“I sometimes think how deadly the fall down onto the street would be. The answer always is: very deadly. There’s no way to survive it. It’s final, there’s no second chance, no way to make up for it, to reconsider.”

Xiaojun nodded. He knew that. That’s what had made it so tempting.

“So, when you said you didn’t look today, did you look yesterday?”

Xiaojun squirmed a little in his place, and Yuta let go of his hand, but Xiaojun didn’t let go of Yuta’s, so the older tightened his hold again.

“I talked to Yixing-Hyung.” He said instead of having to answer, “He explained that the reason why I didn’t think I could get better was that I can’t sew. It’s like the Taylor Swift song about broken friendship!”

“You lost me at the handicraft.” Yuta blinked.

“Bad blood! There’s a line, that goes: band-aids don’t fix bullet holes. It’s because of the betrayal of a friend in the song, but I can be applied to a wound on the soul as well. So. Uh. Yeah. Now I know, and I will no longer ignore Yixing-Hyung, so I can get better and be nicer and a better person.”

“So…” Yuta cleared his throat, “You mean, you went to Yixing and ignored him for four weeks?”

Xiaojun bit his lip. Suddenly it sounded very rude.

“I-I didn’t totally.” He added carefully. He had had to hold many arguments involuntarily. That wasn’t ignoring, right?

Yuta shook his head, then chuckled, “You’re really something. Come here, I’m glad you finally talked to the man, that’s great progress. I’m sure you’ll do so well from now on.”

Xiaojun found himself half dragged, half pulled over the sofa into a tight hug, and he nuzzled against Yuta a little, feeling even better about his decision to trust Yixing. However, there was something bugging him, and Xiaojun managed to free his mouth to speak:

“Hyung, you look at the city, too, don’t you?”

Yuta’s hug tightened a little, and Xiaojun understood. He always felt better when someone just petted him and showed their affection. Yuta liked physical contact even more, so it only made sense it’d help him feel better, too.

“I try not to. I don’t do it often anymore because I worked on myself to stop it. But yes, occasionally, I do.”

Xiaojun suddenly felt the need to hug Yuta tighter as well. Out of the four people he was able to trust, Yuta was the one who easiest made him smile with funny things like the chocolate. Where Ten was this idol-like figure, Kun was nearly angelic in his eyes, and Chenle was a real, certified friend to play video games with and joke about silly stuff, Yuta felt most like… a bigger brother? The type of bigger brothers there were in the films and TV shows he had watched and used to learn more about life that previously had been kept secret from him.

He didn’t want Yuta to leave! Tears stung in his eyes at the idea.

“Dying doesn’t end the pain, you know? It just transfers it over to someone else.”

Xiaojun swallowed and pulled away a little. It didn’t? But that was the whole idea!

“Really?” he softly asked.

Yuta nodded.

“Onto whom?”

“Onto those that love you, care about you, even those that just knew you a little. Taeil-Hyung, Taeyong, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Kun, Johnny, Jungwoo-Hyung, Jaemin, everyone that I knew… know.”

Xiaojun wouldn’t want that! But he didn’t quite get why that would happen?

“How do you know that? Why would they be hurt?”

“I know from experience. Imagine if you woke up and heard that I jumped from the balcony.” New tears immediately welled up in Xiaojun’s eyes at the idea, “How would you feel?”

Xiaojun had imagined himself dead on the street too many times, it was easy to think of that as Yuta. He couldn’t hold his tears, “I’d be s-sad.”

“It would hurt, wouldn’t it?”

Yes, it would, Xiaojun’s heart hurt just at the thought.

“See? I’d hurt if it were you. Not just me, there are so many more people here who care about you, who’d feel this pain. So, no, it wouldn’t go away, it’d just transfer onto someone else. Which is why I try and battle the pain instead. If I win over it, it will be gone for good, not just torturing someone else.”

Xiaojun nodded hurriedly. Yes. Yes, he understood that. He hadn’t known that would be what happened. He had only thought of himself, that he’d finally be rid of it. This changed his whole idea of death as an easy way out when it really wouldn’t serve the whole purpose.

“Not to mention there’s way too much to live for to just be boring and die.”

Xiaojun hesitated and thought of what Yuta had suggested, back then.

“S-spring?”

“Sure, spring, maybe eating more Takoyaki, or watching a new series?”

“I really like Takoyaki!”

“Really? Me, too. The thing is, there’s always something worth living for, you just have to remember to look for it and then think of it.”

 

Xiaojun slipped back into bed ten minutes later, accidentally waking Kun in the process, who mumbled something about Jeno kicking in his sleep and then wrapped himself around Xiaojun. He was so surprised to suddenly be on the receiving end of needy sleep-cuddling, he held perfectly still until Kun’s breathing was back to even and slow, speaking of deep sleep.

 

Being less on edge helped. It helped a lot.

Xiaojun could go back and focus on being a better and nicer person how he knew how to. The first thing was to apologise, and mean it, to Yangyang.

 _“It’s fine, I mean, obviously my scar will be so much cooler than Lele’s, I should be thanking you_.” Yangyang puffed his skinny chest, patting where the bandage Taeil had put on his arm had to be under his clothing.

_“I’m still sorry. About your sweater, too.”_

“ _Oh, that’s just a sweater, you can buy a new one!_ ” Yangyang slapped his back, and Xiaojun stumbled from the impact. He was calm enough to not immediately interpret it as a sign of violence, but realise it was just Yangyang’s way of showing affection.

“ _Can you behave like a normal person for once? God, it’s like we’re in the stone age_.” Chenle complained and gently pushed Xiaojun away from Yangyang and his friendly slaps that actually hurt a little.

_“Nenene, it’s like the stone age, mimimi.”_

“ _ugh ugh ugh, there, it’s your friends, the monkeys.”_

Chenle poked out his tongue to Yangyang, who grabbed Chenle’s ear and tugged. Xiaojun jumped away when Chenle surged forward, and a second later the two were on the floor, growling at each other.

Xiaojun watched with wide eyes, but it didn’t look like anyone got hurt, and Yukhei was unbothered, typing away on his sleek MacBook, occasionally looking into a thick book, ruffling his hair and groaning, before continuing to write.

Before he could come to a conclusion if someone needed to intervein and stop them, Yangyang pinned Chenle to the ground and the loser bared his throat, giving up.

Yangyang licked over Chenle’s face, who squeaked and batted at him until he stopped, and they scrambled off the ground.

“ _Sorry.”_ Chenle blushed a little and brushed his hair to look less like he had just rolled over the carpet.

“ _It’s a dog thing, you can easily clear any conflict by seeing who can come out on top, it’s sometimes easier than endless discussions.”_ Yangyang seemed to read Xiaojun’s face, surely speaking of utter shock, _“Renjun looked as disturbed as you though, guess cats lost the instinct? Full cats do the territory fighting and hierarchy.”_

 _“I… don’t think I have it.”_ Xiaojun decided to file the information over the fight along with the face licking and purring.

 _“So, Yuta-Ge will pick you up in one hour? That’s enough to show you how SingStar works.”_ Chenle decided.

“I heard SingStar!” Jisung grumbled from the sofa, where he had been on his phone ever since Xiaojun came and apologised, “Can’t we play something cool?”

“Sing star IS cool!” Chenle decided and marched over to the PlayStation, starting to switch everything on.

“It’s literally singing, how is that cool?”

Xiaojun bounced a little on the balls of his feet. Literally singing sounded about perfect to him!

“One day, your voice will finally decide if it wants to settle at a baritone or tenor, and then you can enjoy singing games again, too.” Yangyang sat down next to Jisung, with an expression like he genuinely understood his struggles. Jisung frowned.

“You were making blackmail videos last time, don’t pretend like you relate now!” Jisung sunk into the sofa, “Man, I wasn’t even around when your voice surely sounded like Sponge Bob or something.”

“I have to disappoint, it didn’t. I was always blessed with wonderful honey vocals. I want to go first and I want to do Slim Shady.”

 

Xiaojun watched as Yangyang flawlessly rapped down the whole song, while wildly hopping around in front of the huge TV of the living room (previously to seeing it, Xiaojun hadn’t thought they made them this big). Chenle followed with a party song, and after Xiaojun easily found a ballad he liked and wanted to sing – he had been doing a lot of surfing on his streaming app, so he was quite well versed in popular music now.

He hadn’t tried to sing something with the proper instrumental part all on his own, but it wasn’t as hard as he had feared. The language barrier was a bit of an issue, but no one pointed out Xiaojun was probably mispronouncing a lot of words, and the final score was rewarded with a star. Yangyang and Chenle even cheered for him, and Xiaojun felt like he grew at least a centimetre out of pride and happiness.

He wanted to do it again, and again, and he could because they just started to sing together, ripping through the song list. It was so much fun to let out his voice and not worry about hitting every note and remembering every word, but jam to the music and laugh with the others, who didn’t worry about the quality of the singing, but rather about the quality of entertainment the performance brought.

Yukhei seemed to take a break from his writing and belted out a song much too high for him, and eventually, Jisung was roped into singing one round that he suffered through more or less badly, with a little voice cracking.

When Yuta rung on the door to pick him up, after he and the others had finished shopping for New Year’s party on the market, Xiaojun was disappointed he had to leave.

Chenle hugged him extra tight and wished him a good New Year’s celebration and lots of good luck for the new year.

Xiaojun hadn’t been wished good luck for a new year before, but it was actually great. He could use it to become better! He wished Chenle the same, and he also wished it to the other three, even Yukhei, though he obviously didn’t hug them.

It made his mood good enough to not cry when the bus driver gave him a nasty look and waved him off like he was a bug.

 

On Sunday, Taeyong and Doyoung went on a date, as did Taeil.

Xiaojun had heard from Jeno that Taeil and Jungwoo were dating, but so far, no evidence of that had been presented. He wasn’t sure how to feel about it, as he wasn’t sure how to feel about Jungwoo. Could he be trusted with Taeil? He’d need more evidence, but they were very low-key about it and Xiaojun hadn’t exactly been spending time with Jungwoo.

Maybe they were worried to display their relationship because Jeno and Jaemin began to giggle and shove each other obnoxiously the moment the topic shifted to it. Since Jungwoo would be gone and Jaemin was bored alone, he had dropped the dog off here, and Xiaojun had heard the squeaking over ‘they kissed on the cheek’ two rooms away.

He wondered if he was missing some important point to the whole relationship idea.

By watching more of them unfold on TV, and by occasionally seeing Ten and Johnny, even Taeyong and Doyoung when they weren’t bickering over something, Xiaojun got that it had to be really nice to have some special person there that’d be attuned to you more than anyone else, and that’d give you exclusive cuddling and attention. That had to be great!

He just wasn’t so sure about the other parts included. The kissing maybe wouldn’t be so bad. The main problem was all his memories of kissing were unpleasant. Gross customers, who’d press their lips all over his face for reasons unknown. Despite that, Xiaojun could somewhat imagine it might feel nice and not gross and slobbery with someone that cared extra much about him.

Just… why did sex have to be part of it? Could it just… not? Xiaojun could under no circumstances think of a reason why he’d want to do that with anyone. The fact most things hurt aside, even those that didn’t were about the second to last thing Xiaojun would think to do with someone when there were so many greater to do. Like cuddling!

It was a topic to explore for another day, or maybe never. Xiaojun generally wasn’t sure anyone would like him like that. Maybe… maybe when he became a better person.

“ _We’ll make chilli chicken as well as chicken stir fry for everyone a bit sensitive to spice,”_ Kun explained, while he pushed the neck holder of the spare, red-checked apron over Xiaojun’s head and then stepped behind him to tie it.

Xiaojun knew fully well how to tie an apron, Taeyong never did it for him, but Kun had obviously decided he would do it for him, and Xiaojun didn’t plan to turn him down.

“ _I like spicy!”_ Xiaojun announced. Taeyong sometimes cooked spicy dishes, and Xiaojun usually liked them a bit more than not spicy. Wait! _“Spicy and seafood are my favourites!”_

Kun paused for a moment, before finishing with pulling the bow on Xiaojun’s back tight.

“ _You finally figured out! That’s… that’s so great! I’ll make something with seafood next time, now that I know.”_

_“It’s fine, chicken is good, too.”_

Kun chuckled and ruffled his hair.

“ _Alright, how about you start by chopping the green onions, I’ll prepare the meat.”_

Chopping onions was something he could do in his sleep. Xiaojun pulled them from the fridge, ready to go, but then realised the issue: these were fresh onions that hadn’t been washed yet. He turned his head, but Kun was already carefully slicing the chicken.

Xiaojun stared at the tap. Every other cat in the household wasn’t scared of water, it was only him.

“ _Just a second, I’ll wash them for you!”_ Kun had noticed the problem, of course, he had. He had this sense to notice problems usually before Xiaojun ever did and would step in to save him.

“ _Why aren’t you scared of falling water?”_ Xiaojun slowly put the onions into the sink, while he kept staring at the offensive piece of metal.

_“I used to be, my breeder desensitised me when I was little.”_

Xiaojun frowned. _“Mine didn’t. Why didn’t he?”_

_“I don’t know. But Taeyong said his didn’t either, so maybe some don’t? It’s a bit of work, after all.”_

Slowly, Xiaojun let his hand get closer to the knob to turn it on.

 _“Want to try doing it yourself?”_ Kun must have finished because now he was right next to him.

Feeling determined, Xiaojun nodded and quickly gave the knob the needed turn. Immediately, water started hitting the sink, and Xiaojun squeaked and jumped away.

He heard his heart hammer in his ears, his body tight to the point of nearly trembling from the spike of adrenaline.

Kun stepped in to adjust the settings, while Xiaojun calmed himself down. As the rush ebbed off, he realised… that hadn’t been too bad!

He tried to ignore the awful sound of the water on the metal of the sink, and took a step closer, one at a time, as Kun started to scrub the onions. If he ignored the sound, it didn’t seem too bad, right? Using Kun as his shield, just in case he had made a wrong estimation over the degree of danger, he stared at the water.

If he just very quickly stuck a finger under it, to test, there was little risk.

Happy with the idea, Xiaojun grabbed the shoulder of Kun’s sweater, just to be extra sure, and reached past the other cat.

The water was surprisingly cold, and it felt funny, almost ticklish, as it ran by his finger. It didn’t hurt per se, but it felt really weird and scary. Xiaojun could only bear with it for the fraction of a second, then quickly pulled away with a yip, and hid behind Kun.

Luckily, the older seemed unbothered by his antics and Xiaojun could take a few deep breaths and reflect the odd sensation of the running water. He stared at his hand, where the wet part was.

Kun had finished washing his onions and turned the tap off, finally making the awful sound go away.

“ _Hey, are you good?”_ Kun looked over his shoulder and tried to turn, but Xiaojun was still holding onto his sweater.

“ _Yes,”_ Xiaojun confirmed, but his heart was still racing and his voice came out higher than normal.

There was a moment of quiet, then, Kun chuckled. Xiaojun perked up.

“ _What’s funny?”_

_“Nothing. Sorry. But you’re really so cute! I can’t even believe why you’d be like that.”_

Xiaojun let go of Kun, and the other was finally able to turn, which he used to face Xiaojun and squeeze his cheeks, still laughing.

 

Like that, the change of years rolled around.

When Xiaojun had been little, his breeder had always given them a nice mean on the day, like on their birthdays. The past years that obviously hadn’t happened, but Xiaojun knew it was a special day.

Chenle sent pictures of himself, as well as of the other three, all dressed up in suits for the ball they were going to go to. It was ridiculously fancy and Xiaojun was already excited to hear of Chenle’s experience.

Yukhei had a girlfriend. Xiaojun hadn’t met her yet, but she was in the pictures as well, in a beautiful gown. With her high heeled shoes, she was easily taller than the Hybrid trio, and Xiaojun found it looked quite cute.

Taeil didn’t take them to a ball, instead, he held a party at his home. The whole day had been dedicated to preparations, most of which focussed on cooking for 16 people.

Xiaojun wasn’t too worried. He knew most of those who’d come.

There’d be Jungwoo and Jaemin. Jungwoo was very harmless and he’d make extra super sure not to hit Jaemin if he was too boisterous and accidentally scared him. Xiaojun was sure it’d work today! He had done well since last Friday with Yixing. He’d be able to not mess up today!

Then Johnny and Donghyuck would come. Johnny was obviously very fine with Xiaojun, and since the incident in Myeongdong and Xiaojun’s discovery of Google, it felt a lot less like Donghyuck’s main lifegoal was ridiculing him, so he was optimistic there’d not be any incidents either. Johnny and Donghyuck were bringing their owner, which already sounded quite ridiculous since it’d normally be the owner bringing Hybrids somewhere, but obviously, Donghyuck and Johnny had to have a nice owner, like Taeil.

Still, he was a stranger and a human, the one part that Xiaojun couldn’t really make plans over and try to judge beforehand. Most of his nervousness stemmed from meeting him.

Until he actually did, that was.

“Hi. I’m Mark. Someone said we were the same age, so let’s speak comfortably.”

Xiaojun looked at Ten for help, but it seemed not out of the ordinary to just… speak comfortably with humans? There wasn’t even an honorific to rely on for Xiaojun. It went so much against the still deeply installed need to unconditionally respect humans as superior, he wasn’t sure he could do it.

“Are you sure? I don’t mind using Hyung.” he carefully asked.

“No, it’s totally fine. I grew up using English, so I’m not that set on the honorifics. Not even Donghyuck uses it, and he’s younger than me and really should be. If you use it, I’ll probably freak out.”

Well, Xiaojun obviously didn’t want Mark to freak out, but he himself freaked out over Mark! And his Hybrid! Why didn’t Donghyuck use the proper, respectful form with a HUMAN? How was he so unbothered by that?

Best he’d just completely avoid addressing him, that way he wouldn’t have to blatantly disrespect his higher standing over Xiaojun as a mere Hybrid.

Then again, was it a good idea to think of himself a mere Hybrid? That’d fall in line with the problematic teachings of his breeder. After all, there was scientific proof he wasn’t dumb and a natural servant or whatever. Then again, clearly most humans didn’t give two shits about that. But someone who owned a Hybrid like Donghyuck surely had to, right?

This was stressful!

“Hyuck said you throw a mean punch, should I remember to avoid something to not be the one on the receiving end of one?” Mark interrupted his worrying. Well, that was it for that plan of avoidance. Xiaojun couldn’t just not answer, and he didn’t want to not answer, but it was either use comfortable language now and potentially disrespect him despite the reassurances it was fine, or stick to a more respectful level and potentially offend him.

Xiaojun decided to trust Mark when he had said it was okay to not bother and reply comfortably. “I’m, uh, just a little unsure about touching. Or when you suddenly pop up from somewhere. But I’ll try really hard to not unless there’s actually a reason. I also try really hard to realise if there’s a reason or misunderstanding before, uh, punching.” His heartbeat was loud in his ears when he finished. Mark nodded understandingly, looking not at all bothered much less offended.

“Okay, sure, I’ll make sure to remember and check my actions, I wouldn’t want to trigger you.”

Wow. That had actually been okay? Xiaojun took a big breath of relief. Mark was kind of… nice, but also weird. Only in the sense that Xiaojun didn’t quite understand why he was the way he was and that his behaviour clashed with what he still fell back onto, which was the old teachings of his breeder.

Spending time with him really would be a practical application of these new ideas and doubts he had been fostering. To Xiaojun, it was a challenge, but a helpful, good one he wanted to face and succeed in – with the final goal of becoming better and in control of his life.

 

The first event was eating all the delicious dishes they had spent the day preparing. Xiaojun had felt his tummy rumble in excitement more than once while cooking, and Kun had kept giving him pieces of the different ingredients to ‘taste’. Xiaojun had asked if it counted as snacking and would be unhealthy, but Kun had assured him on special occasions snacking was perfectly fine. Kun himself had not snacked at all, but the others had, so Xiaojun was reassured it’d be fine.

Despite that, he was still very hungry and determined to try everything. The finished product didn’t compare to the raw ingredients, it was usually much better.

As expected, every single dish tasted so wonderfully. With Taeyong and Kun both cooking, there was a broad variety of the rich culinary culture both China and Korea had to offer. Between delicacies left and right, the squid still managed to stand out to Xiaojun. Conveniently, it was close enough for him to reach for a second, third, fourth helping, to the point that he stopped counting.

He wasn’t the only one stuffing his face like it was the last time he’d get food. Everyone ate so much, and he wasn’t sure when to stop.

He felt a little nauseous when he eventually did come to an end. This was probably what Chenle had spoken about. Xiaojun was very regretful it had come to this, but the squid had been excellent, fried in lots of oil to crispy perfection. Saying no when it was right there seemed wasteful.

 

The masses of food made him lethargic, but there was no time for a nap. The next activity after the food was games, and that sounded exciting in its own rights. Xiaojun hadn’t played ‘offline-games’ at Taeil’s house yet, the type where you had a big board and dice. It had been a popular spare-time activity when he had been little, but none of the games he used to play seemed to be among those planned for the evening.

“Sixteen people are too many for nearly every game, and those you can play with sixteen will get lengthy if you do, so how about we split into teams of two?” Jungwoo’s voice wasn’t loud, but it somehow carried over the mess that was sixteen people squeezed into the living room.

Shouting immediately broke off between Donghyuck and Jaemin, over who’d get into a team with whom. Xiaojun obviously wasn’t even mentioned between the two of them, but that was fine. He hadn’t been around for long and he had no clue how to play any of this. It sounded like both were extremely competitive and Xiaojun would have held them back for sure.

On the other hand, the thought of ending up alone wasn’t a good one either. When he counted, he thought sixteen people probably shouldn’t leave anyone out, but maths were hard and he still worried. He glanced around. Ten was already talking to Johnny, and it seemed natural they’d team up. Yuta sat next to Sicheng, and they were discussing something in low voices. Again, not a surprising choice, Yuta seemed very close to the bunny. They even had the matching set of reindeer sweaters as proof of that.

“ _Hey, wanna play together_?” Kun’s gentle voice came from next to him, and Xiaojun nearly sobbed in relief. Of course, he could count on Kun. Kun who’d realise his problems before he’d ever noticed he had one.

_“I’ll probably be quite bad.”_

_“That’s fine, I’m not that great a player myself. It’s just for fun.”_

Xiaojun’s worry turned into happiness and excitement, as he nodded. Fun seemed great, who’d oppose having fun?

 

It started off well. The first round was a game called Taboo, for which they partnered with Yuta and Sicheng’s team since only four could play. The task was to describe, draw, or act a certain word and the other team members had to guess from only that without you naming what you were trying to say. Reading the words took unreasonably much time for Xiaojun, but it was okay, they still managed to finish third and not last, and none of the others seemed too set on winning nor pressured him.

After, it was a game where you played two different people in a court. There were seven different jobs in total, and you were given your role by drawing a card. Each role was assigned with their own tasks and with special abilities you could use to make it seem like you weren’t that person. Additionally to that, there were no real rules as to what you could do to try and trick the others into thinking you were someone you weren’t. Anything was fair game The goal was to figure out what role the others had before they figured out yours by tripping you in your net of lies.

Which was the issue: the game required you to blatantly lie to the other players’ faces.

That went against everything Xiaojun wanted to do, and it was the opposite of how he hoped to be treated. Lies were the root of all evil, in his experience.

He tried to remind himself it was only a game, but even then, he still couldn’t do it. He messed up by being much too transparent when he said something that wasn’t true. Xiaojun had told lies before in his life – when had to or to people he didn’t like. This game completely took him out of his comfort zone.

Worse, seeing everyone else tell each other stories without batting an eyelash made him feel very, very uncomfortable.

The thought that they might be telling him a lie just as easily wouldn’t quite leave. The longer it took, the harder ignoring the dark suspicion became.

All the hope and new determination, to trust more and make friends easier, crumbled under the steadily growing burden of doubt and mistrust. It was just a game. It wasn’t real. But no matter how many times Xiaojun told himself, it wouldn’t quite stick.

The familiar frustration that had left him alone for a few blissful days built up as the game continued for round after round. He felt more on edge with each lie that was dismantled by others, that had seemed like nothing but the truth to him.

“We’ll be taking taxes from all the farmers,” Kun announced when it was their turn again.

“I’m not sure you’re entitled to taking them!” Donghyuck interrupted and Xiaojun shrunk, as the other cat’s teammate, Guanheng, stared him down.

“Yeah, I agree, I think you’re faking it!”

“Are you sure? If you’re accusing us wrongly, you’ll lose your last card.” Kun shrugged, pretending to be nonchalant.

“Nah, I’m really pretty extra sure.” Donghyuck chuckled. Rightfully so, Kun hadn’t had the right to collect taxes, so Donghyuck squeaked in delight when Kun turned the card and he and Xiaojun automatically lost.

It was his fault, for being so bad at this game. At the same time, Xiaojun didn’t want to be good at it. He could quickly go to the bathroom until this last round was over and, hopefully, the next game would be nicer again, not including lying. It was fine, no one was lying to him. He could trust them!

But what if?

Xiaojun was so tired of the what if, he felt like crying as it raised its ugly head in his mind. Couldn’t he just not have any what ifs? He just wanted to live in peace and quiet, how he had the last days. Why did this stupid game have to exist and undo that for him?

“You’ve lost five rounds, you’re so bad at this!” Guanheng grinned. Of course, he’d be the one to point out Xiaojun’s failure. He couldn’t just let such a chance pass, could he? Xiaojun would have probably done the same, but at the moment, he didn’t think of that. It was the spark it needed to make the newly pent up frustration blow up.

 **“Sure, pride yourself in being a good liar, any other bad traits you want to boast about?”** Xiaojun hissed, not having any mental capacity to deal with Guanheng’s bullshit today.

**“Sorry, I don’t have such a huge collection of them, like you do. I’m afraid I’ll have to pass.”**

“Cut it out you two! It’s just a game!” Doyoung interrupted.

It wasn’t just a game, not this. This went beyond games and pretending. Xiaojun had already failed at convincing himself that the lies told wouldn’t hurt him in real life, but he was certain this was anything but a playful remark to Guanheng.

“ **You don’t know anything about me, so shut the fuck up.”** Xiaojun shot back, ignoring Doyoung.

**“Yeah, well you don’t know anything about me either!”**

**“I don’t want to know anything about you!”**

“Guanheng, Xiaojun, this is only a game, like Doyoung said. There’s no reason to get upset, and if you talked about it in a language we understand I’m sure we can find a solution for it.” Taeil tried. Xiaojun held his breath. He couldn’t just brush off a human’s order, but Guanheng seemed to have no such troubles and went on:

**“I don’t want to know anything about you either!”**

Xiaojun couldn’t have him have the last word, and anger won over rationality. He was just so fed up with his dumb head, so what Taeil had said to stop or switch languages. He had to defend himself, not because he wanted to convince Guanheng of his good qualities, but because he needed to remind and convince himself he had them.

 **“Then stop pretending you know me and stop picking on my flaws!”** Xiaojun felt tears prick in his eyes because he hated admitting to Guanheng he had these flaws, but they were there, undeniable, and Guanheng was continuously using them to get to him!

**“I’ll stop picking on your flaws when you stop using them to try and excuse your shitty attitude. You think you have it so hard. Guess what? We all had it hard, yet we made an effort instead of – ow!”**

Xiaojun couldn’t let him finish.

He was making an effort!

He was trying!

It was just so fucking hard!

He didn’t want Guanheng to ruin what he had built up so far, it already felt like it might just slip from his fingers if he so much as breathed wrong.

So, he bit.

To make Guanheng stop talking, stop reinforcing what he was already thinking.

It was easy because the living room was warm and cosy, and Guanheng was only in a t-shirt. Xiaojun even chose high up on his arm, where the sleeve would cover, so Guanheng wouldn’t suffer too much for a possible scar.

He didn’t hold back in any other regard. He bit down hard, making Guanheng jerk away from the pain, but Xiaojun’s jaw was closed tightly and he held on.

The relief of being able to let out the frustration from the lying game and from stopping Guanheng in what he was sprouting immediately kicked in. Xiaojun wasn’t going to let himself be treated like this, especially not from Guanheng. Now the tabby would see what good his big mouth did him.

Unfortunately, the satisfaction was short-lived. Someone put their hands on his head from behind and pressed down on his jaw’s joint. It hurt and made the muscle relax automatically to relief the pain, forcing him to let go. The second the bite loosened, Guanheng pulled away and held his arm.

Xiaojun needed a moment to realise what he had done. When he had caught up with reality, he noticed the room laid in eerily silence, all eyes focused on them.

The rush and relief of having an outlet for his fear weren’t just broken, they were nullified and overruled by the comprehension that he had broken his stride of being a nice person and changing for the better. Violence was never the solution!

Why was it always Guanheng who pushed him?

Taeil got up from where he was next to Jungwoo and Jaemin on the ground, but no one spoke. He crouched down and inspected where blood was starting to stain the t-shirt.

“It’s not that deep, but I’d rather treat that properly, bites tend to get infected easily because of the bacteria.”

Taeil’s diagnosis snapped everyone out of their stupor, including Xiaojun. The tears in his eyes started to roll, and when Taeil pulled Guanheng up, he noticed he was crying as well. That hadn’t happened before and Xiaojun felt bad for the first time, despite still seeing Guanheng at fault.

The hold on his face finally loosened - it had been Kun. Xiaojun should have immediately known from how quick the reaction had been. Only Kun was ever that fast when it came to stepping in regarding anything involving him.

In a way, Xiaojun was grateful. He probably wouldn’t have let go even nearly as quickly without him interrupting. At the same time, shame made more tears run down his cheeks. He wanted to get away, but he didn’t know where to and what to do. Everyone would probably think poorly of him now, he had just shown his worst behaviour! They’d probably exclude him from the games from now on and Xiaojun would be alone for New Year.

“So, will we just declare Johnny and Ten winners, since they were the only ones without a card opened?” Yuta broke the silence.

“And everyone else? I have to assign the points properly!” Taeyong asked, pulling up the whiteboard they had used to keep track of the ranking.

“Maybe we would have won!” Donghyuck lamented, “It’s unfair!”

“You already had a card open, you definitely don’t get the winning points!” Jaemin hollered.

No one was talking about Xiaojun misbehaving, no one blamed him for his mistakes, or pointed out his obvious shortcomings.

He curled up, pulling his legs up and wrapping his arms and tail around them.

He felt someone’s hand on his back, and it had to be Kun from the angle.

“ _Don’t feel too bad, okay?”_

 _“But I was trying to change and become better and now I didn’t,”_ Xiaojun whispered back, knowing Sicheng would be able to understand if he heard.

_“You did super well the last days! I noticed how much you were trying and working on yourself! A small little mishap is completely normal and not worrisome at all.”_

_“It wasn’t small. I saw he was crying. He never cried before. I was awful!”_

Kun pressed his fingers into the tense muscle on Xiaojun’s neck, and he couldn’t hold a small gasp from the mixture of discomfort and relief.

_“I’m not sure what about you two get into each other’s hair all the time, since you always do it in a way no one else will know, but I feel like you haven’t given each other a chance to listen and understand at all, hm? You tried to understand Jeno, and you never got into a big fight again because you know where he’s coming from. If you’d talk to Guanheng, maybe you’d see his side of the story and vice versa.”_

Xiaojun considered that. It was right, he didn’t understand Guanheng, nor did he know him, that was often the whole point of their fights.

“ _He said he didn’t want to get to know me though.”_

_“Hm. Did you, by any chance, say you didn’t want to either?”_

_“Yeah. But only because he said it.”_

_“And who said it first?”_

Xiaojun paused and tried to recall the first situation in which the point had been made.

“ _I don’t remember.”_

_“Could it possibly have been something said in the heat of the moment and not meant?”_

Possibly. Xiaojun shrugged.

_“You don’t have to do it today, nor tomorrow, you don’t have to at all if you don’t want to. But if you feel guilty over the fight and don’t want to repeat it, then maybe this would be the solution to the problem at hand, don’t you think?”_

Xiaojun considered it, but it really was. Kun massaged at the tight muscle just right again and Xiaojun sighed in content.

What Kun had suggested sounded like a reasonable idea. He should probably properly talk to Guanheng and clear up who had been nasty first. Or maybe not. That probably wasn’t the point. More importantly, they should probably clear up they wouldn’t be nasty anymore from now on. Xiaojun didn’t want to be just for the sake of it. The arguments always made him feel awful and what even was that point?

He hadn’t thought Guanheng would feel bad in turn, not until now. Seeing him cry changed that perception. It actually made him wonder if Guanheng had maybe felt just as affected before, too, just hidden it. Xiaojun knew not everyone showed their emotions as much but hadn’t taken that into consideration until now.

It might be the reason why Guanheng had accused him of being self-centred. Xiaojun kind of was, wasn’t he?

 

Guanheng returned with a plaster on his arm and in a new t-shirt, ready to continue the game. He didn’t look at Xiaojun, but he was smiling. Since Donghyuck looked a bit wary and everyone had been shuffling around during their break and completely broken the original circle, Johnny ended up sitting next to Xiaojun from now on.

Jaemin voiced the assumption Xiaojun wouldn’t refrain from biting Johnny if he wanted to, but Xiaojun was quite sure there wouldn’t be any need to.

Because he would, if necessary.

 

The next game wasn’t about lying, it was about luck in rolling dice. Xiaojun turned out to have a lot of luck, rivalled only by Jaemin, and in the end, he was able to win the round for his and Kun’s team, making up for the previous loss. His mood brightened considerably, and the worries over lies also disappeared to where Xiaojun wanted them – which was far, far away.

If anyone wanted to play the court game again, he’d maybe say he didn’t want to join because it made him feel awful. He’d keep that in mind for the future.

 

Half an hour before midnight, their gaming was concluded because they’d go and see a firework on the big square two blocks away, where the view would be better.

Honestly, getting sixteen people dressed at the same time wasn’t the best idea in an entrance hall as small as Taeil’s, but someone they all survived without any concussions or bloody noses.

Sicheng and Yuta turned out to not be going, but Xiaojun understood. Sicheng didn’t like being outside. He felt bad for them since they’d miss the good view of the firework, but Yuta smiled and wished them good luck, so it’d surely be fine.

 

There were a lot of people on the street. Many were definitely drunk, Xiaojun easily noticed the signs: stumbling, bad balance, loud and lulled talking. He walked a little closer to Ten because drunk people had never been known to be a pleasant company.

The square was downright crowded, but Xiaojun understood everyone would want to see the fireworks.

He had seen some before, when he had been little, and he remembered how absolutely stunning they had been.

“Guys, remember when it’s midnight we say happy new year and happy birthday, Kun, okay? Here are your sparklers.” Taeyong had squeezed himself to where they were walking, speaking in a hushed voice and handing them the sticks to light up later.

“It’s his birthday?” Xiaojun whispered in alarm.

Taeyong paused, then his eyes widened.

“No one told you? Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Yes, it’s the first of January, I’m so sorry you didn’t know, I kinda expected the others to tell you.”

“Damn, I didn’t think of that either, I’m sorry, Xiaojun. But I’m sure Kun will be really happy with just a  nice hug as a present!”

“Present?” Xiaojun cocked his head and Taeyong gasped.

“I feel terrible! I should have made sure to tell you, I’m so, so sorry! Yes, we give each other gifts, but everyone will give something they can afford, giving a hug is super A-okay!”

It wasn’t like Xiaojun could have prepared anything better if he had had the time to, he didn’t have any money and he had just enough belongings for himself, none of that was something he could give away yet. Still, he felt like making a bit more of an effort would be called for, especially when it was Kun.

“Could I sing him a song?”

“Yes! Yes, of course, that’s a wonderful idea as well, everything works!” Taeyong looked relieved and Xiaojun felt good about having had that idea.

He’d not sing right away, maybe later, before bed. Until then, he could figure out what to sing. Birthdays were something happy, weren’t they? So it should be a happy song.

Xiaojun tried to think of one, but he was distracted by the people around starting to count down from 30 and then Taeil started lighting up the sparklers, so they could welcome the new year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be fully honest, I wouldn't have made XJ bite GH if I hadn't already written it in Shooting Star - gotta keep the timeline straight~
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a few things to get off my chest. 1) Boom’s chorus slaps so hard, I’m deceased. 2) I haven’t finished writing this monster of a fic yet, but almost and I think I’ll finish within 31 chapters and about 170k words – I thought I might break 200k, but I don’t have enough ideas left and it’s coming to a good closure where I am rn and I don’t want to drag it on for another 30k without any real story. 3) I had so many people apologise for leaving long comments, like, I don’t think you understand how excited I, as an author, get over these? I spent maybe 8-10 hours on a chapter, meaning, a ton of time goes into this, so obviously I love talking about the plot and nothing makes me more excited to hear your thoughts and opinions on what I wrote. Of course, you’re not obligated to comment, please don’t feel pressured, and I still love getting short comments a lot, but if you take the time to write out a huge comment and let me in on your take on it, I get extra-happy.
> 
> Back to our regularly scheduled programming.
> 
> [Cuties](https://66.media.tumblr.com/42b42c6e24e3611998e86a095bcb3f0d/tumblr_pv0bfhXL8Q1v6bamko2_400.jpg) [Credit](https://www.weibo.com/u/6969719428?is_hot=1#_rnd1563820682692)

The first bang of the firework ripping over the sky in different, sparkling colours made Xiaojun flinch, but the beautiful image of a hundred small stars blinking above them for only a short moment made up for it.

He hadn’t remembered it was this stunning.

His newfound fascination for the sky, and stars in particular, might also be making the fireworks more intriguing than they used to be when he had been little.

Whatever the case, Xiaojun stood in between the other Hybrids, plus the three humans, and stared up at the sky with a gaping mouth.

It was as though whoever was responsible for the spectacle had shown the lights to do a dance on the sky, a clear cut choreography that stretched over Seoul.

When the last spark died and left the sky star-less and dark again, Xiaojun could still feel the wonder and it took him a moment to return to reality.

Someone complained about cold, and some others joined in, and everyone flocked together and started the retreat to Taeil’s flat.

“You looked like you enjoyed the firework.” Taeil’s voice came from beside him, and Xiaojun realised he had ended up next to the two older humans.

He nodded eagerly.

“Thank you for letting me watch!”

“Xiaojun, of course, you can watch them, you can watch whatever you want, it’s your choice.” Taeil softly reminded him.

“Yeah, but… it’s still really special to me that I may. So, thank you for being so kind.”

A smile spread on Taeil’s face and Jungwoo hurriedly blinked, like to keep away tears. Xiaojun wasn’t sure why but he didn’t want to point it out and possibly embarrass the human. He had come to learn most people didn’t only cry less than he did, he was perfectly aware he was a cry baby, they actually never cried, be it from happiness or sadness.

 

By the time they had returned to the house with the promising “Heaven” plate and the guests all bad them goodbye, Xiaojun had decided on which song he was going to sing for Kun.

After the loud crowds on the street, the flat suddenly felt very quiet. Everyone’s energy was running low at this point, and not even Jeno bounced around anymore.

“If we all work together, we can clean up in no time,” Taeyong suggested, but then still sent Jeno and Guanheng to shower and bathe to get ready for bed. He had tried to send Xiaojun as well, but Xiaojun didn’t want to share his bath with Guanheng and possibly get into another fight, and he wasn’t that tired yet.

The sound of running water came from the kitchen, and when Xiaojun entered with the first stack of dirty plates, he found Yuta on the sink, silently scrubbing cutlery.

“Where’s Sicheng?” Doyoung asked from where he had entered right in front of Xiaojun.

“He was tired and I sent him to bed. We can manage without him, right?”

Yuta’s voice wasn’t as melodic and high as it normally would be, and he didn’t look up from his dishes.

Xiaojun couldn’t help wonder if something had happened that made Yuta sad, because that was what he looked like. Yuta never looked sad, he was always smiling and in a good mood, so it really didn’t fit the image he had of the other. It helped him realise that everyone was sad once in a while. Even Yuta, who usually would be the one lighting up the mood wherever he went.

However, there was a very important thing Xiaojun needed to make sure. He waited until Doyoung had left again, then waited until Jaehyun, who had come in next, was also back in the living room, and stalked over. The running water was right in front of him, and there was some minor splashing, but Xiaojun tried to ignore it. It was just water, it was the same as the still type and not dangerous.

“Hyung?”

“Hm?” Yuta turned the knob and the sound Xiaojun hated so much quieted.

“Spring…spring will come soon, so… that’s something to look forward to, right? So… there’s no reason to look at the city, right?”

Yuta hesitated for a moment, then, he suddenly wrapped Xiaojun in a tight hug, ruffling his hair wildly.

“Of course, spring will come, everything will blossom. I don’t want to miss that! And neither should you.”

Xiaojun tried to answer he wasn’t going to, but his face was pressing into Yuta’s shoulder and muffled him with no way to escape until Yuta deemed the cuddling sufficient.

 

Since Yuta was their roommate, Xiaojun decided to not sing Kun his birthday song when he was in a sad mood and all of them tired.

Kun still had a full day of birthday ahead.

 

When he woke up, he was toasty warm and completely engulfed by someone else. Xiaojun blinked open his heavy eyelids and realised it was Kun. This was the second time it had happened this way around.

Xiaojun couldn’t help giggle a little.

This had to mean Kun enjoyed cuddling him just as much as he enjoyed cuddling Kun, right? The thought was reason enough to giggle more. There was no way out of the octopus hold Kun had on him, and frankly, Xiaojun didn’t want to leave. Instead, he turned a little to get more comfortable and over listening to Kun’s steady breathing, he fell back asleep.

 

When the source of warmth, aka Kun, tried to leave, Xiaojun woke up for the second time.

_“Xiaojun, please let go on my shirt.”_ He softly asked, tapping the hand with was hooked into said piece of clothing.

_“No. I still need to sing you a birthday song as a present, you can’t leave!”_ he mumbled, voice scratchy from sleep. Not only that, Xiaojun just really didn’t want Kun to go anywhere. Instead of letting go, he flopped around the mattress a little and wrapped himself around the other’s waist, holding him in place like deadweight.

_“I get a present?”_

_“Hmh.”_

_“Okay, how about you sleep a little longer and let me take care of… things, and then you can give it to me later? I’m really excited to hear it.”_

Xiaojun sighed and let go. He did as suggested and napped for another 30 minutes, before getting up and dressing himself.

 

And then, Xiaojun suddenly found himself on the bed with Kun, ready to sing the song he had chosen, and instead of happily doing so, his heart was hammering in his ears and he was so nervous he felt like throwing up.

He wasn’t sure where all this anxiety came from, but it had hit him like a train and suddenly he wasn’t sure of the lyrics anymore, nor did he quite recall how the melody went.

How could this happen? It was his present! He had seen the others give Kun useful things he was happy over, and it had only strengthened his resolution to sing really well for him. All that seemed to have been thrown out the window by his dumb head – yet again.

It sucked!

He was so grateful for Kun and everything he constantly did for him: He was always there to cuddle him when he had messed up, he was the first to step in and save him from issues, and he was just the perfect bed-sharing-buddy and Xiaojun wanted to let him know how important he was to him.

Wait.

Wouldn’t that… be an even better option?

Xiaojun took a deep breath. The melody of the song he had originally planned to sing still wouldn’t quite come, but there was another in his head now, one that only belonged to him. If he used that and put his own words, it’d be much more meaningful than using someone else’s song, wouldn’t it?

So, Xiaojun used what played in his head together with what he appreciated so much about Kun, mixing it into a piece.

It was so much easier for him to convey all his thoughts if he could just sing them. He had never done it out loud, but it was like the most natural thing in the world. His nerves calmed down and there was only the music in his mind. Confidence allowed him to go on for nearly three minutes, and once he was done and dared to look at Kun to judge his opinion, he found the other cat sit still, eyes wide and shiny.

It felt like the silence could be cut with a knife, Xiaojun still heard his heart beat loudly. Had he liked it? Or was he horrified?

_“That…”_ Kun took a shaky breath _“That was your own song, wasn’t it?”_

Xiaojun quickly nodded.

_“Wow, I… I don’t know what to say, that was so… beautiful, you’re so talented, not only with singing but also songwriting?_ ” Kun shook his head and blinked a few times.

He reached out to hug him, and Xiaojun could feel his own eyes get teary as he let himself be squeezed tight. The compliment made his insides feel warm. Talented, that was a step up from just having a skill, wasn’t it? It was something to be proud of, and something of value he could work on – not something like looks, that was somewhat pre-determined.

_“Thank you so much, I think I liked your present the most.”_

_“Really?”_

_“Yeah! I was amazing. And, well, who doesn’t feel happy over being praised so much?”_

_“It’s just pointing out the obvious.”_

Kun ruffled his hair with a chuckle, and Xiaojun let himself go slack against him. His heart wouldn’t quite stop racing in his chest – which was weird because anything to be nervous about was already over now.

Maybe it was because Kun kept rubbing his back and giving small compliments for things in the song Xiaojun had added. Whatever it was, it felt new, and he wasn’t sure how to interpret it yet – good or bad, exciting or annoying, just new and different.

 

Xiaojun had said he was going to talk to Guanheng.

And he was going to. It seemed like a great solution to help him move on for this late piece still bugging him and keeping him from becoming nicer for good. So he would.

Absolutely.

But.

Not yet.

He tried once, after lunch on the 2nd, but then he had seen a chance to avoid it and had seized that instead of finally facing the tabby.

From there, procrastinating had been very easy. Xiaojun had chores to do, Xiaojun had texts to answer, anything that might work as an excuse, Xiaojun would grab.

“Injun’s coming over later today. We have to fold pamphlets before the court hearing tomorrow, so we can bring them and hand them out to people, to inform them. Could you help us? There’s really a lot to fold.” Jeno looked up from his phone where he was settled on the bed, while Xiaojun was diligently dusting off the top of the dresser and the window still.

He perked up. Being asked for help was new! The last days had been good, ever since the new year started, Xiaojun had been the person he wanted to be. It seemed that was paying off now, like unlocking new levels on Mario.

“I can try?”

“It’s super easy, it’s just folding. Actually, it’s a little boring, but it’s super important and Injun can’t do it all himself.”

“Who’s Injun?”

“He’s my human friend!” Jeno puffed his chest, “I made him all by myself. Okay, maybe Ten-Hyung helped a little. He’s really great, I promise! He came here because he tried to convince Hybrid doctors to stop killing Hybrids by putting them down. Obviously, Taeil-Hyung never did that anyway, but it turned out he was very passionate about Hybrid rights despite not having much of a clue about Hybrids.

“Outside, it’s a little hard to find ones to talk to, and his family doesn’t own one. He was really, really funny at first, he was so worried to offend any of us, which is really nice itself. But he worried about things such as cuddling and ear pets, which obviously are nice, he just thought we’d feel belittled by it. Like I said he’s extremely considerate! I tried to show him how nice ear scratches are, but apparently, humans don’t find them so nice? I mean, that’s fine, we’re not here saying Hybrids and humans are the same. There are differences, they’re important to remember, but the opportunities should be the same.”

Xiaojun was perfectly aware of these differences. The ears, the tail, the eyes, the instincts, the purring, the growling, all that were things humans didn’t have and didn’t do.

“Wait, but… how does that even work? Aren’t Hybrids inherently too different? That’s why we’re below humans, isn’t it?” Xiaojun had listened to the Hybrid rights movement only a little until now. There were more important things to remember first. There still were, but he had a little space in his head to dedicate to bigger things, now that he was getting Yixing’s help and some of his issues had been silent.

“No! That’s the whole point. I mean, no offence, obviously that’s what everyone is saying and is taught, but saying we’re too different to be granted rights is what those who oppress us use to argue for their causes. We are different, yes, and that’s okay. Humans aren’t all the same either. I mean, I personally like my ears and my tails, and I also love ear scratches, so why would I want to erase a part of myself just to fit into a mould that wasn’t made for me?

“The issue is using these arguments, that we have stronger instincts, to discredit our cognitive capabilities. Those two aren’t contradictory, they don’t affect each other. You can be great at chemistry and still feel the need to defend your toy because it’s yours, that doesn’t mean you’re any worse at chemistry at all. This is the educational work we’re currently doing, to create space for Hybrids next to humans – not for Hybrids in place of humans.”

Jeno had spoken with so much passion and without stuttering even once, Xiaojun found himself stunned. It seemed so out of character for the cheerful and sometimes childish Jeno to be so well versed in such a deep and difficult topic.

Then again, why wouldn’t he be? He was directly affected and he wasn’t stupid!

“I never thought that might be an option. I always thought that to be listened to and taken seriously I’d have to be as much as a human as possible.”

Jeno nodded, his face sombre, “Yes. Many Hybrids think that and so far, that, unfortunately, is how things work. We still have a long way to go until we’ll be accepted for who we are, but that’s the ultimate goal. You should be allowed to be who you are. The more people realise the old way of thinking is problematic, the more change we can achieve. We’re starting at the bottom right now. When Injun first came and told me about these things, but also made me realise they were going a bit into the wrong direction by making us like humans, I wanted to do something like him and maybe make the humans understand that there were things about us Hybrids we didn’t want to change, but are proud of and happy with.

“He took us to meetings, so it’s actually because of Injun we were able to get involved. The guys at the organisation they… listened. When I, or Donghyuck, or another Hybrid told them their ideas were a little off, they adjusted them. It made me think all humans would be like Taeil, like them. It’s not the case. When you walk around outside, trying to teach people, they usually don’t listen how they do, they’re not open for change and they’re not ready to accept a Hybrid telling them anything. But a few are. And that’s the reason why it’s still worth it and important to not give up but keep putting these ideas into the public.

“The whole protest in front of the court, when the verdict over that guy, who used to own you, was spoken, was kinda partly our idea. It really got the ball rolling! I wouldn’t have imagined how well it’d work, how much attention we’d get! The whole discussion is going the right direction right now. I’m really thankful for Injun opening that door of opportunity for me, but I can also take credit for the things I did, like suggesting that protest to put the idea of equality out there.”

Xiaojun slowly nodded, but there was something between all the good ideas and uplifting news he didn’t understand. It made him remember the girls in the phone case shop, who talked about Doctor Moon’s case. Chenle had never actually sent him any articles to read on – honestly, Xiaojun had also forgotten about it.

“Uh, what verdict about what guy who used to own me?”

Jeno slapped a hand over his mouth, his eyes widening.

“Oh shoot! I wasn’t supposed to tell you!”

“What? Why? Why can’t I know?” It was a red flag. A huge one. What were they hiding?

“Because, uh, Taeil-Hyung was worried you’d feel pressured into anything if you knew. He didn’t want you to feel like you owe him something but decide from your free will. So, he wanted to wait until the time was right.”

The worry immediately turned into downright fear. If it involved the monsters… what if it had something to do with Taeil actually being involved with them? No! No that couldn’t be, he didn’t want that to even be an option!

But… what if?

“Please tell me! I need to know!” he urged. He didn’t want to hear his earliest worries confirmed, but if they were true, he’d rather know now. It’d hurt, but he needed to have certainty.

“But I’m not supposed to.”

“Is it something bad? It has to be if you can’t tell me!”

“No! It’s nothing bad! You got that wrong! Okay, if you think it’s something bad I have to tell you because it’s not! It’s really not, I swear! So the guy who used to own you, right?”

“My handler?”

Jeno shuddered, “I don’t like that word. Let’s call him… Mr Bad.”

“That sounds dumb as fuck.”

“That’s a bad word.”

“It sounds childish.” Xiaojun rephrased.

“Well, I like it. So, Mr Bad, the guy who followed you the first day.”

“Yeah, that was definitely my h- the guy responsible for me.”

“Right. He came the first day, looking for you, but you were a lot faster than him, and Taeil-Hyung was already patching him up. Ten didn’t let him through when he wanted to just take you back since you were hurt so much and needed treatment. It was all really messy because Ten-Hyung’s scared of attack dogs. Well, was, he generally didn’t like dogs much, but he’s doing much better, obviously, he’s dating Johnny-Hyung, though Johnny-Hyung’s pretty awesome. I’m getting off-topic.”

It was off-topic, but it confirmed what Xiaojun had already suspected from how Ten had asked him about Johnny when he had first met him. To think Ten would have been scared of anything after he had stood there when the monsters had come… he must have worked so much on himself! More admiration came to the already existing in Xiaojun’s heart.

“You’d think he’d just give up, but he didn’t. He came back and demanded you to be returned to him.” Just hearing how close to having to go back he had been, made Xiaojun feel sick. It was a rollercoaster of both gratefulness for Ten stepping in and Taeil not easily complying, and horror, over how far these monsters were willing to go, being renewed after he hadn’t had to think about them for a while.

He knew why they tried - it was the motivation behind most of their actions:

“I made him the most money, I know I did. He probably didn’t want to lose that.” Xiaojun mumbled.

“Yeah, probably. Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Well, I’m still sorry people treated you so badly. You didn’t deserve it.”

Xiaojun swallowed.

“Thank you.”

“The thing is… his papers were forged. Not his, but his papers he had for you if this makes sense? He tried to demand you be given back based on a fake proof of ownership. Obviously, no one would make you go back to a bad place. Not to mention, forging papers is illegal. Jungwoo-Hyung kept the fake passport, and Taeil-Hyung went to the police, there were investigations. They found out he was part of an organisation that had done similar things on a larger scale, and he was proven guilty and charged with three years of prison for it.”

Prison?

His handler was in prison?

Because of Taeil? And Jungwoo?

Xiaojun felt himself drop the rug he had been holding, but he couldn’t really do anything about it.

That monster was locked away, if only for three years and not longer, if only for a fake passport, but he was facing consequences for his crimes! He was where he had no way to get to Xiaojun and hurt him anymore!

Ten had protected him not only once, but twice from the monsters! Taeil wasn’t only not involved with the monsters, no, he was the reason why one of them, the worst in Xiaojun’s eyes, wasn’t walking around on Seoul’s streets anymore, hurting Hybrids and using them for his own gain.

“Uh, Hyung, are you okay?” Jeno stepped closer, but Xiaojun still couldn’t move.

Taeil could have used this to make him comply. Xiaojun would have easily agreed to anything, just from how thankful he was for Taeil doing this for him. Taeil had nothing to gain from this, but to Xiaojun it meant… it meant the world!

It wasn’t something he would have even thought possible until he had just heard it had happened.

“Don’t… don’t cry! Ah! What do I do?” Jeno reached out, but pulled back, then tried again, but remembered and didn’t touch him.

“He’s… r-really… in prison?”

“Mr Bad? Yeah! And if Taeil-Hyung manages to get the claims through, he’ll get more prison time on top from this trial right now! The others, too, Ten’s Mr Bad and I don’t know who else.”

Ten’s Mr Bad? One of those monsters had been Ten’s handler? Xiaojun puzzled together pieces that he had always suspected to find.

“Hyung, it’s really something good, please don’t cry.” Jeno sounded a bit distressed now and Xiaojun tried to swallow the tears and not, but yeah… it just wasn’t happening.

“Sorry, I-I’m a cry baby, I’ve a-always been.”

“If I hug you, will you punch me? Or scratch? Or bite? I swear, hugs make everything better.”

Xiaojun sniffed and opened his arms, only to find himself swept off his feet and squeezed so tightly he had to gasp for air.

It was nice until he felt something wet on his ear.

“Ew! No licking!”

“Sorry. I got too excited.”

 

Xiaojun agreed easily to help folding pamphlets with the mysterious Injun. All the new and additional ideas of equal rights, Jeno had presented, sounded so interesting, it seemed like a good idea to learn more. Since he no longer had to cling to his good behaviour by a threat, he felt ready for such a step. The thought if Injun and Renjun maybe were the same person, and one was just a Korean-ised version of the name crossed his head.

However, that would only happen in the afternoon. Before, Xiaojun definitely needed to talk to Taeil - as soon as possible. Not wanting to rat out Jeno, he had asked if it was okay, and Jeno had given his permission, saying he would have let Taeil know sooner or later – he was bad at having secrets from his owner. Loyalty ran deep with dogs, after all.

Xiaojun’s reason wasn’t that he couldn’t keep a secret from his owner. He could have since Jeno hadn’t been supposed to tell him. It was bordering on being a lie, but keeping another Hybrid safe would be more important and justify it in any imaginable case. Since they both didn’t care Taeil didn’t want him to know and he now did and he couldn’t forget it, he needed to show his gratefulness, regardless of whether Taeil wanted him to or not.

He was free to do whatever he wanted to, after all.

“Taeil-Hyung?” Xiaojun hoped to get it off his chest even before lunch, so, he caught him in the entrance hall when everyone returned for their break.

“Is something wrong?” Taeil immediately looked worried, and Kun stepped closer and ran a hand over his cheek that felt a little sensitive from the earlier crying. He leaned into the touch a bit but shot Kun a smile to let him know he was fine.

“No, I just wanted to talk to you, if that’d be okay. Alone. Please.”

“I don’t feel reassured. Of course, let’s uh… go to your room!”

Xiaojun nodded, then waited until Taeil came and went ahead.

He just wanted to thank him, but he didn’t want anyone else there, not even Kun, because it felt too intimate an issue to discuss in front of him.

 

“What is the matter?” Taeil asked the second he had closed the door.

“Its really nothing bad, just, well, Jeno told me about the whole thing, uhm, with my old owner. And that he’s in prison because of you. Don’t be angry, he didn’t want to tell me, but I think I accidentally blackmailed him into doing. I wanted to say thank you.”

Taeil hesitated a moment, looking worried still, but when Xiaojun didn’t add anything, he relaxed.

“Of course. It’s my responsibility to keep you all safe, especially you younger ones. I’m hoping to achieve even more with this lawsuit that’s currently being fought. I know three years on fraud aren’t enough.”

Xiaojun nodded. “Thank you for that as well. But just… it’s… I don’t even know how to say it. Knowing he’s in prison it’s… urgh. _Don’t cry more, no one wants that._ ” he took a deep breath and calmed down before continuing. “I don’t care it’s only for three years and only for forged documents. It’s such a relief, to hear he’s actually being held accountable and has to make up for a bit of what he did.”

“If it means something for you, that makes doing it even more worth it.”

“Thank you. Uh. So.” Xiaojun felt his heart start to race in his chest as he looked for the words to offer what he had planned to, “Would… would you like a thank-you hug?”

Taeil’s eyes widened and his eyebrows rose comically.

“It’s not payment!” Xiaojun quickly interrupted himself, stuttering from nervousness.

“No! No, I don’t need payment!”

“That’s why it’s not. It’s to show my gratitude.” His gratitude and his trust, because Taeil had been nothing but amazing, supportive, and kind. There was no reason not to, and while Xiaojun didn’t dare fully put his confidence in him and just give up all boundaries, he definitely felt ready to try and push them a bit, to one day be able to do just that.

Hopefully!

“Only if you really want to and are really sure it’s okay for you. Then, yes, I’d love… love a hug.”

Xiaojun carefully wrapped his arms around Taeil, and it felt very weird and stiff. He was so nervous he felt himself tremble a little, but he didn’t want to let go at the same time. Taeil was clearly worried to make a mistake and hardly reciprocated the movement, which proved even further how much he was doing for Xiaojun. It was stiff, but the hug still felt good and helped him express his honest gratitude better than words could. It helped him understand that Taeil was a good person and he could trust him – if only a little for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember to stream Boom~
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for gender dysphoria. If you don’t want to read that, stop reading from the *** and return for the next chapter~
> 
> [This](https://66.media.tumblr.com/e86bfd367f1d806b5e125779af8794d5/tumblr_pv8jexGYw81v6bamko1_1280.jpg) is exactly the aesthetic I’m going for in this AU T T

After that, meeting Injun, who possibly also was Renjun, didn’t seem challenging anymore at all. On the contrary. Xiaojun felt weirdly excited. Jeno had praised InjunmaybeRenjun so much and he stood up for his kind just because he could. He had to be nice!

The folding sounded like something extremely useful, too, and Xiaojun loved doing useful things.

His brilliant mood was dampened when Guanheng sat down on the table, where Xiaojun had been waiting.

Neither of them said a word for a few moments. Xiaojun played with his phone, twisting it on the table, and Guanheng tapped his fingers.

“ **How is your arm?”** Xiaojun finally asked, not sure how to bring it up without rubbing Guanheng the wrong way but not comfortable with the loaded silence.

**“Fine. I’m not made from glass.”**

**“I didn’t try to suggest that. I was genuinely worried.”**

**“You could have just not bitten me, you know?”**

**“Yeah. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to give you a scar, and I didn’t mean to hurt you. I really try to be a better person, and I felt like you don’t see that at all. The game stressed me, so, I got upset. But I overreacted, it wasn’t right to let it out on you, especially not like that, I should have talked about it. I’m sorry.”**

Guanheng stared at him, looking like a deer caught in headlights. He narrowed his eyes, but Xiaojun wasn’t going to take the bait. He had told Kun he’d talk to Guanheng, so he was going to, and not look for a fight again. Not for Kun’s sake, but for his own, he needed to make peace.

**“Yeah, uh. Thank you. That… I kinda, well, I knew I’d piss you off, but I still said it. Sorry for that as well.”**

Xiaojun felt genuine relief and happiness over Guanheng’s words. It was easy to accept the apology.

**“Thank you. Maybe… let’s not do it anymore in the future? I don’t really want to fight, especially since it annoys everyone, I think.”**

**“Yeah, probably. We should stop doing that.”**

**“Hm.”**

With that, their conversation died and Xiaojun felt a bit weird and like there was still a lot that needed to be addressed, but he didn’t want to when InjunmaybeRenjun, was supposed to come any moment now.

 

Luckily, they weren’t kept in stiff silence for too long. The doorbell rang, and the sound of Jeno running down the hall put an end to Xiaojun spinning his phone.

A minute later, the living room’s door opened, and Jeno hopped inside, followed by a human. He was in a school uniform and… Xiaojun generally had little room to call people small, but in this case, there was just no other word to describe him. Especially since he was carrying a huge cardboard box, under which’s weight he seemed to be stumbling. His fringe was chopped off above his eyebrows, making him look even younger than he probably was.

Jeno was vibrating out of his skin in excitement, his tail knocking against Xiaojun’s chair, next to which he had placed himself.

“So, this is Xiaojun-Hyung, you kinda already know, and this is Injun, you also kinda already know.” Jeno waved his hands wildly between the two and looked at Xiaojun expectantly, but he had his attention on the unknown human.

“It’s so nice to meet you! I’m Huang Renjun.” So, it was the same person. Renjun bowed, and the box made him overbalance. He tumbled forward, looking like he’d hit the floor, but was saved by Jeno’s quick reaction. The Hybrid darted forward and caught his friend. The box had no friend that’d save it, it smashed to the ground.

“Wow, that was embarrassing.” Renjun straightened and brushed down his uniform. “Thanks, Jeno.”

“Nice to meet you, too.” Xiaojun hurried to answer, to make Renjun forget about the small mishap.

“I know my name sounds Chinese, but… uh… it’s complicated. Anyway, my Mandarin isn’t super good, so I might not understand everything.” Renjun smiled.

Xiaojun nodded. He was grateful for the warning because he wouldn’t have asked to reassure himself Renjun was Chinese when all the signs made it appear like he was. Then again… maybe it’d be a little rude to just assume that? If there were people who seemed Chinese but had complications, wouldn’t it be nicer to ask than to make them feel dumb when being addressed in a language they didn’t know?

Damn. Was that why Guanheng had asked the first day?

“So, we have to fold 3,000 flyers.” Renjun sighed.

“It’ll be so much fun!” Jeno yipped and picked the box off the ground with far less trouble than Renjun had had.

“At least someone thinks so. I’m really grateful for your support, I don’t think I’d manage to do it on my own.”

“Sure thing, my fingers will suffer for the great good.” Guanheng chirped.

Jeno ripped the box open and unloaded a stack of colourfully printed papers. Xiaojun craned his neck to see what was on them.

And immediately felt his eyes widen.

On them were pictures of Hybrids, dressed in silky, tiny pieces of lingerie. That itself hardly was enough to surprise, much less shock, Xiaojun. He didn’t enjoy wearing them, but he had had for years, and so had everyone around him. The novelty had long worn off.

But one of them was Donghyuck!

Not how he knew him to be – a little too loud, a little too brazen, a little too much, but very confident and outspoken, no. The white top with small bows and the short panties were the first thing that threw Xiaojun off. The clothing alone made him look so vulnerable – which was the whole point. He had never realised it would change his perception so much, but it did! And how he suddenly felt about Donghyuck fit perfectly with the overall wish for docile and submissive Hybrids.

Additionally, he was photographed from a higher angle so he had l look up into the camera, which he did with big doe eyes that further permeated the submission and availability he was portraying. His hands were tied up in front of him, the rope wrapped around his wrists several times. There was no collar, but instead, there was a big, neon orange price tag on his cheek, like the special offers at the supermarket would have.

“Ah, yeah, sorry, there’s a bit of shock value there. But if you want to get people talking, fluffy Golden Retrievers and happy families won’t do.” Renjun explained, “I swear everyone in the pictures volunteered.”

“Donghyuck was unstoppable once he heard he could piss off people. I think Johnny-Hyung nearly fainted though.” Guanheng giggled.

Xiaojun carefully pulled one of the papers closer and looked at the other pictures. There was a bunny Hybrid boy, as well as two girls, all pictured like Donghyuck, but then there was a human girl and boy between these as well, also dressed up and with a price tag.

Just seeing the picture made Xiaojun’s insides shrivel. This was… wrong. No one would treat a human like this.

Even the headline agreed as it read: ‘You wouldn’t sell your child into sex slavery. Then why do it to a Hybrid?’

Xiaojun eyed the pictures again. It was so… accurate. The colours, the design of the clothing, it all was just how it had been at the brothel!

“What do you think?” Renjun carefully asked.

“Uh… well, I think people will be surprised. You know, normal people would sneak into brothels with Hybrids and pretend they’d never go there.”

“Which is why the problem is talked about much too little, making it only worse!” Renjun nodded.

Xiaojun saw why Jeno would like him and talk so highly of him.

“So, where do I fold it?”

“Here and here!” Renjun gestured over the paper, and Xiaojun watched how he did it, before trying it himself.

It really wasn’t hard.

The initial silence in which they started only lasted for a few seconds, then, Jeno, Renjun, and Guanheng started to discuss the logistics of tomorrow’s event, when they’d start, where they’d meet, how they’d handle press and curious bystanders.

Xiaojun didn’t pay it much attention. He did think about the possibility of going as well, but he really didn’t feel ready for that. Luckily, no one asked and made him feel like it’d be bad to not go. The others surely had everything perfectly under control. Maybe once he was a little less at risk of biting people when he got upset, he could join. Just reading the flyer, he knew there’d be plenty to get upset over. Biting people was something he was trying not to do anymore.

Xiaojun had folded 542 flyers when the topic shifted again.

“Aaaand? Did you finally ask out Koeun?” Jeno asked, his voice clearly teasing, and Xiaojun mentally checked back into the conversation. He grabbed a new stack of papers and looked at Renjun, who had blushed a faint pink at the question.

“No. And I won’t.”

“What? Why?” Jeno gasped.

“Because.”

“Well, you can’t expect her to just magically notice you. No offence. You have to step up your game to grab the chance of love!” Guanheng also chimed in now.

“I don’t know. I’ll probably humiliate myself; I can really do without that.” Renjun muttered.

“Or maybe she has a crush on you as well, and you miss the opportunity to find out!” Jeno seemed very involved in the topic, slamming the table. He often got very involved in the boring love-triangles as well.

“Nah, I really don’t think so.” Renjun shook his head, but his face turned redder and redder.

To Xiaojun, the more pressing question was: where did one get a crush from? And how would one know? Crushes were popular in TV and film, but unfortunately hardly any detailed information was given. He was just curious, not because he wanted a crush, obviously, the problematics of that had already been explored, but it was just really interesting. Seeing how happy being in love seemed to make a person, he’d at least like to know the technicalities.

“But you’re very cute, you’re super nice, you do good in your free time from the goodness of your heart, yet you still have excellent grades, how could she not?” Guanheng argued.

“I don’t think good grades are what girls think is cool. And I also think the tall and handsome type of guy flies better.”

“No! There has to be plenty of girls who prefer a cute boy over a handsome one! And you’re not even that short!” Renjun raised an eyebrow at Jeno like he didn’t believe the dog’s words.

“I agree with Jeno! Beauty is subjective!” Xiaojun softly chimed in. It was one of the most important lessons he had learnt, and he clung to it. It was still hard to apply it whenever a mirror was close. Seeing it in others was relatively easy though. Encouragement also always helped Xiaojun, so, it’d only be right to pass that on. Renjun was cute, and he had obviously got a great personality to offer! He just needed more confidence to see his worth!

“Yeah, but…” Renjun sighed and folded another paper, thinking, “I don’t know, you’re right, but I still think that I’m not her type.”

“Maybe we should come by and ask her for you?” Guanheng suggested and Renjun jerked upright.

“No! Oh my god, no! If you come and tell her, I’ll tell Ten-Hyung about your crush on him!”

“You can’t do that, I told you that in confidence!” Guanheng screeched.

“You have a crush on Ten-Hyung?” Xiaojun perked up. That sounded more relatable than some girl in some school he didn’t know!

Now it was Guanheng’s turn to blush a deep pink, and he looked around in panic.

“No one can know! You cannot tell him! Or anyone else! It’s a secret! And I’ll get over it because obviously Ten-Hyung wouldn’t like me back and that’s okay. Johnny-Hyung fits really well with him. So, it’s just still there because I couldn’t get rid of it yet. It’s secret!”

That made sense. Xiaojun felt weirdly excited to be in on this secret, even though it was Guanheng’s and, well, he still didn’t exactly like Guanheng.

“For trying to get over it, you’re still doing a lot of staring.” Jeno giggled and Guanheng rolled up a print-out and used it to hit him repeatedly.

“I understand why you’d have a crush on Ten. I’d have a crush on Ten.” Xiaojun jumped to Guanheng’s defence.

The tabby stopped slapping Jeno, who started laughing loudly now.

“Okay if we’re at admitting crushes on cool Hyungs who only see us as cute little juniors - I had a crush on Doyoung-Hyung when I first came. I mean, I’m totally over it, but yeah.”

Wait, Xiaojun hadn’t admitted a crush. He didn’t have one. Did he have a crush on Ten?

“I don’t think I have a crush. How do I know I have one?”

The other three paused in their bickering and folding. Silence spread over the room for a moment before Renjun spoke first:

“Well, you want to be with the person more than with anyone else, you get really excited or nervous, it’s often explained as butterflies in your tummy, I think that fits really well. You want them to notice you like that as well, and… hm.”

“Usually you find them very attractive as well. It could be something visual or something about their personality that makes them special and stand out to you!” Jeno added.

“But that’s really… similar to being friends, right?” Xiaojun often felt excited when someone wanted to cuddle with him, but he didn’t think that was the equivalent to what Johnny and Ten had.

“Well, you wouldn’t want to kiss your friends, nor sleep with them, that’s the difference, I think.” Guanheng bluntly stated.

Renjun’s eyes widened and his fading blush returned in full force, while Jeno nearly dropped off his chair from uncontrollable giggling.

Ah. There the sex was! You wanted to have it with someone and that was how you knew you had a crush? Interesting.

Well, in that case, Xiaojun was really 100% extra sure he had no crush on nobody and never had had before. It was slightly unfortunate. He’d miss all the nice relationship stuff, like holding hands, being lovey-dovey, going on dates, even kissing didn’t seem too bad an idea.

Or maybe the right person hadn’t been there yet? Maybe he’d still find someone he’d want to have sex with? The nice, non-violent, non-painful type you’d maybe voluntarily had with someone? Even in theory it still seemed rather absurd a concept, but maybe it’d happen?

Hopefully, it would. Then, he could experience all the things he found amazing about relationships, first hand. Any potential crush would definitely have to be at least as great at cuddling and patient as Kun was, and always be there for him if he had trouble with something, like Kun. It definitely had to be someone who’d understand and accept Xiaojun – once he was a better person.

Happy with the explanation and subsequent insight, he resumed his folding.

The others turned their attention from crushes to idol groups, to TV shows, and Xiaojun only occasionally chimed in. The stack of folded pamphlets grew and grew, and soon, they were done. Xiaojun was a bit sad. He could have gone on for another hour or two, but the others were tired and happy to have finished.

 

When Renjun left, Xiaojun let him know he’d absolutely help if anything needed to be folded again in the future, and Renjun looked quite happy over that.

 

He told Kun about it, later, when they were in bed and Kun was still reading a little but usually didn’t mind when Xiaojun had some things he needed to get off his chest. Xiaojun really liked these times in the evening, when he could have Kun all for himself. In the quiet of the night, where he could feel Kun’s heartbeat under his fingertips and his body warmth seeped into Xiaojun’s skin, making him feel like he never wanted to move.

It almost felt like the three and he were friends. Of course, they weren’t, especially not Guanheng, but Jeno maybe was getting there? Hopefully, there’d soon be more protesting, more new ideas of what the organisation did, and more spending time with them.

 

Xiaojun hadn’t really meant to give Jeno a permanent pass for touching, but that was what Jeno had understood. Much to his own surprise, he found it was okay! Xiaojun wasn’t scared when the first thing Jeno did, the next morning, was squeezing him and try to lick his cheek. If anything, he might have to worry over getting sick of hugs, because Jeno was now barely letting go of him.

Ten had laughed a little when Xiaojun had carefully voiced the concern, but even he understood it was a luxurious problem, not an actually worrisome one.

Since Taeil had the hearing that day, Jungwoo was filling in for him again. It also meant the flat was relatively empty, with Jaehyun, Guanheng, Jeno, and Jaemin all gone to the court, and the others working.

After folding the flyers and talking more about what they were actually doing at that protest thing yesterday, Xiaojun was still a little curious how it’d be to join them. Even after already having decided he couldn’t trust himself in a crowd yet, he had mulled it over a few more times.

However, more worries had risen when Kun had explained how a hearing worked.

The other hadn’t been to one himself yet – obviously – but he had asked Taeil before agreeing to be added to the list of witnesses that could be invited – maybe. So far, the Hybrids hadn’t been accepted by the judge. Who had obviously been accepted and would be present each day, were the monsters.

Xiaojun really didn’t want to see them, hear them, and anything them. He was trying to get over his experiences, not refresh all the awful memories they were responsible for. That worry held him back from agreeing to give his voice for a good reason even more than the fear over biting a stranger who’d upset him.

***

Unlike Xiaojun, Chenle had planned to join the protests, together with Yangyang and Jisung, but then he had texted Xiaojun he had changed his mind because he didn’t feel good.

It wasn’t the flu, not really any illness he could come to see Jungwoo for, but he just felt bad.

Xiaojun felt like he understood. When he had asked if he could help him feel better, Chenle had said he could come by to play video games, but he really didn’t feel good so it’d be fine if he didn’t want to see him.

Obviously, that was bullshit. Xiaojun wanted to do his best to help him cheer him up and playing video games didn’t sound like a difficult thing to do for anyone to begin with.

Now, there was just one pretty huge problem:

There was only one person who could go with him, the one Xiaojun had pissed off to the point where he had stopped doing that for him: Doyoung.

Obviously, Chenle feeling better was very important, so he would have to get over himself and ask if he had been forgiven.

Xiaojun genuinely had worked on himself – and Doyoung had probably noticed because he had gone back to offhandedly explaining things to him after having stopped that for a while. Xiaojun knew apologising again would only devalue the word and its meaning. Instead, he just needed to check if Doyoung was satisfied with his improvements and maybe, hopefully, ready to forgive him.

“You do realise I noticed you were following me around for an hour now, and at this point, I’m worried you might pull a knife and stab me.” Doyoung turned where he was folding laundry, and Xiaojun froze in the bathroom door.

“What? No! I wouldn’t!”

“It might have been last night’s detective story giving me that thought. Is there a specific reason why you’re following me if it’s not murder?”

“Uh… so… I, well, wasn’t so nice, uhm, before, and I know I apologised many times and didn’t change anything, but I’m working very hard on changing that to really change.”

Doyoung put the sweater on a stack and turned, giving Xiaojun all his attention.

“I noticed. Sorry, I was a little cold, but… it was getting a bit hard to let myself be called names and not snap.”

“Yeah, that wasn’t really… good. So, I was hoping that my better behaviour maybe helped make up for it. A bit?”

Doyoung nodded, and then a knowing smile spread on his face, “Ah, you want a favour. Spit it.”

Xiaojun swallowed. Chenle felt bad, he wanted to be there for him. Doyoung was right. He wanted a favour. It still felt a bit like he was very self-centred over only coming now to talk. It just couldn’t be helped at this moment. He’d definitely show Doyoung he was eager to change not to be able to ask favours but to become a better, nicer person all the time.

“Could you accompany me to Yukhei-Hyung’s? I would like to meet up with Chenle since he doesn’t feel so good.”

Doyoung checked his watch, then looked at the laundry.

“I could, but since I’m not Taeil-Hyung, and not really the one in charge of caring for you, I’d think it’d only be right I get a favour back from you.”

Xiaojun blinked, feeling a little surprised by the demand. He had gotten way too spoilt over being handed things so easily. But of course! He’d happily give something back, it actually made this feel less burdensome – the trip from Cheongdam to Gaepo took a while and it’d not gain Doyoung anything. Xiaojun simply wasn’t sure there was anything he could offer that’d be useful to Doyoung. The most obvious thing he still jumped to was a sexual favour – but Doyoung had a boyfriend, that’d be cheating on Taeyong.

“Okay?”

“You know Jaehyun? Pretty tall, black and white hair, floppy ears, a bushy tail, squishy face, sings a lot?”

Xiaojun felt himself grow angry at the mockery, but it was like this was a chance to prove himself. He’d not snap! Not today!

“Yeah. Of course, I do.”

“Well, I wasn’t sure since you were doing your very best to completely ignore his existence. Look, I understand you were upset he touched you for bandage change a few times, you had every right to be. I’d just imagine you understood it was for your own good by now, right? He’s been trying very hard to not push you and respect your boundaries, but he’s part of this family. Please don’t pretend he doesn’t exist where you’re making an effort to socialise with everyone else. I can see you do, and it’s great, but you’ve not spent a second on trying to give him another chance. He’s not blind, nor dumb. He noticed. Jaehyun’s much more sensitive than he lets on, he’s the type to not show his feelings, like Yuta-Hyung. I know that makes it hard to realise there’s an issue, which is why I’m telling you.”

Xiaojun felt like someone had dumped a bucket of ice over his head. Doyoung was right.

“I-I didn’t realise, he was always… not there?”

“You told him you didn’t want him close. He’s not the type to try regardless. He’s young, but he’s not an overeager puppy anymore. Not to mention, he knew why you wouldn’t want him around and felt bad.”

“I didn’t mean to make him feel bad!” Xiaojun gasped, then considered his words and added: “Not anymore.”

“Good. My favour in return, is for you to please try and focus a bit of your attention on Jaehyun. You don’t need to build a pillow fortress together, how you do with Sicheng, but I think you might have more in common than you realise. Just talk to him a bit. I know it’d mean a lot to him and I want you to become a part of this family. Family means no one is left behind.”

Xiaojun liked that line. Was that Doyoung’s? Regardless, it sounded like something he wanted. He had last paid Jaehyun any real thought two weeks ago and unsuccessfully so. Since then, he had made a lot of progress.

“I’ll try and talk to him the next chance I get!”

“Great. In that case, I’ll bring you to Yukhei-Hyung’s place.” Relief over the positive answer made Xiaojun sigh. “If you give me a hand, I can finish faster and we can leave earlier.”

“Of course!”

He all but ran into the bathroom. Laundry folding really was the least of his worries.

 

Not even 15 minutes later, he was bundled up, on the street, walking towards the bus stop. Doyoung had a book in hand to read, and Xiaojun felt like it would have been right to let Doyoung ask for something just for himself in return as well, not only the favour that’d be used to benefit Jaehyun. There shouldn’t even be a favour having to be asked, for him to not go and ignore one person of the family. He still felt terrible over having done so without even realising. Regardless, it was a lot of time Doyoung was sacrificing for Xiaojun, but if he wanted to follow the buddy-system rule, it couldn’t be helped. Breaking it obviously was completely out of the question!

The familiar bus number 35 came soon, and they chose the double seats right in the front. The second they sat down, the woman that had been on the opposing side stood up with a glare, pursing her lips and shaking her head a little. Xiaojun sunk lower when she fixed her stare on him, trying to evade it without success.

What had they even done wrong? He’d understand her problem if they’d taken the last free spots. They hadn’t. Today, there were only a few passengers other than them, plenty of vacancies to choose from. They had just taken the next best seat because why no? She muttered something under her breath before she turned and stumbled down the walk to sit down far away, from where she shot another glare before disappearing behind her phone.

Why had people a problem with cat Hybrids in particular? Or with cats and bunnies? She had looked at Doyoung in just as much disapproval, but there was a clear bias. Whenever Xiaojun had been out with any of the dogs, it had exclusively been him on the receiving end of disgust. When Guanheng had been with him, he had gotten the looks as well. His initial assumption of it being personal, or because of his scar, had obviously been wrong. It just didn’t make it any less hurtful, to know it was everyone being treated without even basic respect.

It had happened so many times, he didn’t even feel like crying anymore. It just felt awful in a numbing way. It was similar to knowing that to some people he was just a walking toy.

Doyoung had been reading his pocket-sized book, not even noticing the exchange, and Xiaojun decided to pretend it hadn’t happened. If he ignored it, he took its power. He wasn’t willing to let such negative things control his life.

In an effort to stop the mulling, he stared out to see the shops and people they were passing. It never got boring. He hadn’t seen a lot of the world growing up, none at all the last years. Even fruit stands were still interesting and held the air of mystery and novelty.

 

The exact moment the bus doors opened, Doyoung snapped his book closed and returned his attention to reality as they hopped off the bus.  

 

Yukhei was the one to open the door, his hair pushed back with a hairband and a huge ink stain on his right cheek.

“Hey, **Fluff Ball**! Lele told me you were coming, come in, come in.” The giant stepped out of the way, fully opening the door like Xiaojun was the king of Atlantis and worth a huge reception. It clashed with the stupid, degrading nickname.

That still rubbed him the wrong way. Yukhei had continuously been using it since the first time and Xiaojun didn’t know how to tell him he hated it. It might not even be to tease him, no, it quite surely wasn’t. Yukhei didn’t seem to call anyone their real name. Chenle was Lele, Yangyang was Niuniu, Jisung was Sungie, his girlfriend Doyeon was darling, honey, sweetie, love, or gorgeous.

Those all were kinda nice and cute, but they also weren’t deducted from an obvious characteristic. Well, Doyeon’s maybe, but gorgeous wasn’t the same was Fluff Ball. What kind of name was that even?

Still, Xiaojun didn’t know how to approach telling a human he’d prefer not to be called how said human had decided to call him, without making it sound absolutely disrespectful. Yukhei’s obvious wealth made it even harder to dare criticise him. It was a challenge Xiaojun didn’t feel ready to take yet. He wanted to trust people, but he’d start with the easier cases, not with the rich owners of his friends.

For now, he was just going to ignore the nickname. The more he heard it, the less offensive it sounded, and he hadn’t gotten genuinely angry over it anymore in a while. It would be fine until he’d hopefully figure something out eventually.

“Text me when you’re done, but don’t hurry for my sake. Maybe the others can pick you up on their way back.” Doyoung said and Xiaojun felt a bit like the children in movies when their mums dropped them off on playdates.

Well.

There definitely were similarities.

The thing missing was a goodbye kiss on the cheek. Not that he wanted one or anything, it was just what his brain supplied when Doyoung closed the door, leaving him with Yukhei.

“ **Honestly, I kinda hope you can get through to him. I was surprised to hear he agreed to have you over.”** Yukhei sounded genuinely worried, and together with his messy look, Xiaojun felt a little bad for him. He actually felt bad for a human. What a weird thing to do! **“I know he has it under control in the bigger picture, but these days are miserable for me as much as for him. I want him to always be happy but I get sometimes it’s just too much and even he’ll be down. If you manage to remind him of the self-care, that can pull him out of that, it’d be awesome.”**

“ **I’m not sure I’m the right person for that.”** Xiaojun felt a little stressed over hearing so much responsibility being placed on him. Surely, he’d end up disappointing.

**“No, you’re exactly the right person because he agreed you could come. Even if it doesn’t work, at least you’re here, which is totally dope. Just don’t be upset when he doesn’t want to hug you, or… touch at all. It happens, he doesn’t mean it personally, it’s not because of you.”**

Xiaojun nodded. He knew why someone might not want to be touched, but even if Chenle’s reasons were different, Xiaojun would not feel offended. He was happy for the warning, though, because Chenle had always been so affectionate. He’d have looked for the blame of a sudden rejection in himself.

He carefully knocked on the door. He never had before, usually, Chenle came to pick him up. _“Chenle? It’s me!”_

There was a moment of silence, and Xiaojun felt the crushing worry he’d go ignored.

Luckily, there was an answer: “ _Come in.”_

Yukhei gave him thumbs up and beamed brightly, and Xiaojun granted himself access.

There was only dim light in the room from a small lamp on the bedside table and the TV glowing, but nothing playing. Chenle was on his bed, unmoving, and Xiaojun’s heart sunk. He quickly closed the door and stalked over.

Chenle stared back from where he was on his back, and Xiaojun felt even worse when he saw the red-rimmed and puffy eyes on his friend. He remembered Yukhei’s warning and didn’t reach out. He didn’t invade Chenle’s space but crouched down on the floor instead, to not tower over him anymore.

 _“Hey, the good-mood party arrived!”_ Xiaojun didn’t feel like a good mood party, but a small smile spread on Chenle’s face.

_“Really? Where is it?”_

_“Hey, I’m… I’m super great at this!”_ Xiaojun was perfectly sure he wasn’t. Actually, he had no clue what he was doing, but confidence was important.

 _“Your voice is shaking.”_ Chenle pointed out, still with a tiny smile on his face, _“Don’t worry, I’m not a lost cause, I just feel a little… little…”_ instead of finishing the sentence, Chenle burst into tears and Xiaojun felt genuine panic. Was this what Jeno had felt like? What did he do now?

Right, attention. Tissues! Xiaojun reached into his pocket and produced one. Chenle had thrown an arm over his face, the huge hoodie he was wearing blocking it completely from sight, and Xiaojun went ignored.

 _“That’s okay. Just, uh, tell me if I can make it better. I’ll just sit here, okay? So you know you’re not alone.”_ Xiaojun decided and settled more comfortably on the ground. Chenle hiccupped as quietly as he could, and Xiaojun decided to just wait.

If he pushed, Chenle would feel pressured or backed into a corner. He didn’t like being pushed himself. Sometimes, Xiaojun just needed to let some of the emotions out and would calm if just given time and space. Space didn’t necessarily mean being alone, being lonely usually made things worse for Xiaojun. He could at least be here for Chenle, that felt like it was the most helpful for his friend right now.

Just as expected, Chenle quieted down eventually, but he didn’t move his arm from his face.

_“Urgh, sorry, thank you, I don’t even know why I made you come, this has to be depressing as shit.”_

_“It’s not. Do you feel a little better?”_

_“Yeah, I do. I hate these days. Urgh, they’re just the worst. I don’t want to be moping and crying, but I just can’t help it. I simply hate everything about myself and I know I shouldn’t, but reasoning won’t work and then I feel even shittier.”_

Xiaojun knew how hating the skin he was in felt, but it didn’t seem like what he felt came close to Chenle. He had said he felt insecure about his body before, but that it’d be to this extent made Xiaojun feel like he had missed some important things about his friend. Then again, maybe Chenle hadn’t wanted him to know. Xiaojun didn’t want Chenle to know some things either, like when he had jumped down the staircase, or when he had bitten Doyoung, those things.

It was just too personal and embarrassing. He was scared Chenle might think less of him or not want to be friends anymore. Maybe, in the future, he could trust him with that, but not yet.

Considering his own worries, Chenle letting him know suddenly felt a lot more meaningful than initially thought.

_“Well, I still think you’re really handsome if that helps.”_

_“But I’m too short, aren’t I?”_

_“What?”_ Xiaojun felt like someone had tripped his brain and it had fallen onto the floor with a wet splotch from how surprising the question was. _“No! You’re the perfect height for you!”_

_“Well… men… other men are taller usually.”_

_“Isn’t that just a beauty standard someone else would push onto you?”_ Xiaojun carefully asked. Chenle was usually the first in line to remind everyone of that, but maybe it was like Xiaojun telling himself not to hit Jeno and then doing it despite not wanting to.

_“Urgh, maybe? I just… yeah, it is, but still. And my voice is way too high! I don’t sound like a guy at all!”_

_“But… you’re a guy… and you sound like you… so… you sound like a guy.”_

_“Did someone tell you to say this?”_ Chenle peeked from behind his sweater. _“I mean, it’s just… do you really think that? No one… told you… anything, right? This is not… pity, right?”_

He looked so vulnerable, so full of hope to hear a certain answer. Xiaojun wished he knew which, but he didn’t. He wanted to make Chenle feel better, the stress of having to give an opinion crept back up. It was a test he didn’t know the correct solution to, but in the end, Chenle needed to hear the truth. Honesty was always the best option to pick.

_“Yukhei-Ge told me that you might not want to be touched, so I didn’t. He also said that I was a good person to see you, since I said wasn’t so sure, because… well, I’m not the good-mood party.”_

Chenle eyed him for another moment, then finally pushed his arm away.

_“True, I’m the person responsible for a good mood in this friendship, I’m glad you’re accepting your_ _role as the cute and shy sidekick.”_

_“That’s not a bad part though.”_

_“Of course, it’s not! Why should you get a bad part?”_

Xiaojun shrugged, _“Negative thinking patterns and crippling self-doubt?”_

_“Wow, yeah, that’s that for the good-mood-party title.”_

Chenle sat up, taking the pillow he had been hugging with him as he sat, then moved and patted the bed.

“ _Let’s play some Mario Cart, that’s what you came for, right?”_

_“I didn’t, I only came to make you feel better!”_

New tears immediately collected in Chenle’s bloodshot eyes and Xiaojun quickly pushed the tissue his direction.

 _“Th-thank you.”_ Chenle loudly blew his nose and Xiaojun searched for the remote, finding it between the pillows, and turned the TV to HDMI1, where the screen of the WiiU was already blinking.

It was weird to not touch Chenle. Xiaojun now realised how Taeyong and Jeno must have felt, since he wanted to reach out for his friend several times, only to realise it was off-limits today. However, knowing others had done it for him before only made it, even more, a matter of course that Xiaojun would remember Chenle’s boundary.

It didn’t change they were friends, just because today cuddling wasn’t possible.

 

As they played, Chenle eventually started to go back to squeaking loudly and yelling when he felt like the game was sabotaging him – unfairly. Xiaojun knew it’d be fine, just how Chenle had said.

They went for round after round, until Jisung and Yangyang returned, and Yukhei asked if Xiaojun wanted to go home with the others, who had dropped off the two Hybrids. Xiaojun would have stayed, but Chenle assured him he was fine and he should go home. He didn’t hug him goodbye, but he waved and smiled, and he looked a little more like himself again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did a deep dive into Google and Tumblr to get a good idea on how to approach the topic of gender dysphoria, and I also got some amazing tips and support from Fullsunhyuckie. I also had him read and approve this (thank youuu), so, I really hope I was able to handle it respectfully and realistically. Still, if there’s something that’s bothering you, please let me know. I’m trying to give room to something I don’t personally get to claim to have any experience on, so I am more than willing to listen and learn.
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is early, just because I felt like posting~
> 
> I really like[ this](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAqFFqcUEAEbjWg?format=jpg&name=small) colour on him…

The chance to talk to Jaehyun arose sooner than Xiaojun had expected – thanks to the older’s free afternoons.

It fit perfectly because he had gone to see and talk to Yixing in the morning, as he did on Fridays. While it was much harder than he had originally anticipated when agreeing to cooperate, it also felt relieving to talk about all these things that were like ghosts haunting him. He had to recall them to take that power they had, but then, they lost their horror. It left him more relaxed and more hopeful, in the perfect mindset to approach scary nurses.

When Jaehyun didn’t go back downstairs after lunch but changed into comfortable clothing and joined where Xiaojun was scribbling lyrics into his sketchbook on the dinner table – on the other end, to not bother him, as he usually did – it was like a sign for Xiaojun to now go and live up to his promise and resolution.

Immediately, nervousness made his palms sweaty and heart hammer, but Xiaojun ignored it and slowly closed his book, taking a deep breath in preparation.

Why was he nervous? There was no reason to be, Jaehyun had been nothing but nice and respectful!

It still wouldn’t leave him, and the memory of hands on him, while he was held down, added to his anxiety.

No. Jaehyun had only taken care of his wounds. It was completely different from that type of touching, it came from a place of worry, not lust. Thanks to Jaehyun, his wounds had healed well and scarred as little as possible. That was something he was grateful for.

Xiaojun climbed over the chairs, down to where Jaehyun had settled. At first, the other didn’t notice, but when he was close enough, he looked up with big eyes.

Not letting it discourage him, Xiaojun kept going until he was on the chair next to the perplex dog and looked up at him.

What now?

Help, this was weird!

“Uh?”

“Erm.”

They both stared at each other, then turned away and cleared their throats.

Yep, this was awkward.

“What-what are you reading?” Xiaojun asked, grasping for straws.

“Reading? Oh, uh, this is a book on the effects of social media displaying un-realistic beauty standards, with the help of photoshop and face tune as well as the normalisation of plastic surgery, on the development of the self-perception and confidence in children.”

Xiaojun swallowed. It was fine, Jaehyun didn’t know he didn’t know what face tune or plastic surgery was and it was okay to not know. Face tune had been mentioned along with photoshop, so there could be a similarity. Perfect, he got that covered. Plastic surgery, on the other hand – what did one operate there?

He could just ask. Asking questions wasn’t shameful.

“Where does the plastic go in the surgeries?” Xiaojun softly inquired.

“What? Oh! In plastic surgery? There’s actually no plastic involved, at least not always. It’s just, well, surgery to make things you don’t like the appearance of look differently. You can also call it cosmetic surgery.”

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose. That didn’t sound too bad?

“Couldn’t that fix the exterior problems some Hybrids have? You know, that make breeding union officials score them worse and then lower their price?”

Jaehyun put the book down, marking the page.

“In theory, yes. I don’t think it’s done much because it’s expensive and would probably lower the margin despite the positive price impact. However, in the Hybrid sector, in particular, that’d pressure everyone into getting the same things done to fit the standard. There’s already a major problem with only one perfect ideal being portraited. Not everyone can fit the same mould, people are way too unique and different to all be squeezed into one and the same box.

“If you answer the discrimination, based on superficial appearance and the problematic beauty standard, by opening more doors to make everyone reach it, I don’t think you solved the problem. Sure, everyone should be entitled to fix their appearance as they see fit, but if there is social pressure and expectation being built up, ultimately, it only enforces the problems, not fix them. Instead, we, as a society, should push the acceptance of everyone’s individual beauty and promote self-acceptance. Not to mention, it’d be boring if everyone looked the same, right?”

Xiaojun had listened carefully. The words made sense, they fit in with what he had been trying to teach himself, which was to appreciate subjective beauty. Self-acceptance sounded like a great word. It sounded smart and reasonable.

“I like self-acceptance better, too!” Xiaojun announced but quickly combed his fringe over the scar on his forehead, as he got reminded of it when thinking about appearance. He knew he still had a long way to go before he could claim to have self-acceptance for himself, but he was kind of stuck in trying to convince himself without getting anywhere.

“Your hair got really long, Jungwoo-Hyung usually cuts it for us. He’s good at it, he never knocks into ears or anything. If you ask him, I’m sure he’d give you a cut.” Jaehyun suggested, obviously having been drawn to where Xiaojun was fumbling around.

It was true. When Xiaojun combed the hair so it properly covered everything he didn’t want to be seen, it poked into his eye uncomfortably. If it were shorter that problem would disappear.

“I don’t know…”

“Because he’s human? Someone else can come and stick around. Some of the others initially didn’t want to be alone with a human either. It’s really no problem, he won’t be offended.”

“No, I…” Xiaojun swallowed. The others had had issues at first too. It was okay to have them if he worked on not having them anymore in the future! “I don’t mind these humans here. It’s just… I don’t know.” He shrugged, not managing to say the words.

Jaehyun’s eyes narrowed and flitted over Xiaojun’s face, then lower, and it seemed to click with him, just how it had with Taeil. Xiaojun shrunk into himself. Obviously, Jaehyun knew better than anyone where Xiaojun’s skin was marred.

“Obviously, this isn’t a universal tip, so I don’t know if it’ll work for you, but when I have things I just want to ban off my body but can’t, it helps me to stare them down instead. If the image becomes familiar to me, I can easier accept it and think I look okay – or even handsome. That’s pretty hard but just thinking I look okay is enough.”

Xiaojun looked at Jaehyun in surprise, not having expected a recommendation on his stagnant appearance problems.

“But… you’re really handsome.” Xiaojun nearly asked how he couldn’t see. He caught himself before doing so. Jaehyun surely didn’t think he wasn’t on purpose, he’d hurt him with such a silly question. Xiaojun felt like this was going really well right now, so he wanted to not mess that up but speaking before thinking. Luckily, he hadn’t.

Jaehyun broke into a dopey smile that really didn’t fit the image of a cold-hearted nurse, or whatever Xiaojun’s head had come up with to make him scared of the other, at all.

“Thank you! You’re really handsome, too.”

Xiaojun immediately felt his face heat up.

It shouldn’t matter, he shouldn’t rely on his looks, he shouldn’t use them as his only source of validation.

They weren’t though. Not to mention, Jaehyun said he was handsome despite the many flaws. If Xiaojun didn’t force himself into a narrow idea of beauty and didn’t think it could be his only quality, then it should be okay to feel happy over such a compliment, right?

“Normally, you should say ‘Thank you’ now.” Jaehyun chuckled and Xiaojun nodded, still feeling the heat radiate off his face.

“Th-thank you?”

“There you go. I think I get why Kun-Hyung won’t shut up about you.”

“He won’t?” Xiaojun blinked, pressing his hands against his face in hopes of cooling it.

“Nah. I’m starting to think he caught Yuta-disease. It’s really atypical, too, he’s usually not that hyper, especially at work.”

“What’s Yuta-disease?” Xiaojun could connect many qualities to Yuta, some positive, some worrying. Disease sounded rather bad – Kun wouldn’t… wouldn’t do… that, right?

“It’s when you wear a pink, heart-shaped pair of glasses the second it comes to a certain person.”

Oh. Oh, good, he wasn’t doing the thing where he was planning to end his life. That was a relief.

“I haven’t seen him wear pink glasses yet. Nor have I seen Yuta do that.” Xiaojun muttered.

“Well, that’s unfortunate for Kun-Hyung then. Uh, so, why do you suddenly talk to me?”

Xiaojun’s thoughts were ripped from imagining Kun in heart-shaped glasses back to reality.

“I’m sorry for not doing so earlier. I feel really bad for accidentally ignoring you. I-I swear I didn’t do it on purpose. I want to make up for it. I, uh, if that’s okay, I mean, it’s fine if it’s not, I was just wondering if maybe, we could perhaps, uh, do some, um, some friendship-activities?”

Xiaojun carefully looked up at Jaehyun, trying to judge his reaction.

Jaehyun chuckled softly, but looked like he was holding back more laughter, and nodded. “S-Sure, let’s do some a-activities. What are your suggestions?”

 

The weekend started wonderfully. Xiaojun hadn’t only fulfilled his favour, he had had a lot of fun doing so. He hadn’t tried staring his reflection down yet, but between asking for the other person’s favourite colour and discussing if piano or violin was the superior instrument, it had been a very personal tip Jaehyun had shared.

The thing with the heart-shaped glasses had bothered Xiaojun for another five minutes while using Kun as his second pillow last night, but he had dropped his musings and decided it probably wasn’t anything important anyway.

Other things, however, were important. And they also had to do with Kun.

“ _What are you listening to, Ge?”_

He still always felt a little upset when Kun had to leave in the morning to go to work. He wasn’t sure why it was Kun, in particular, he wanted to have around all the time, it just was.

As the worries over being an annoyance sunk and his confidence rose, Xiaojun hadn’t only started to invade Kun’s side of the tiny bed before the other was asleep, he also had started to get himself the cuddles, he missed on the weekdays, on the weekends.

Kun immediately paused his music when he noticed Xiaojun had come into the room and looked up.

_“Ah, just some… musical. I know, it’s nerdy.”_

_“What’s a musical?”_ Xiaojun had learnt a lot about everyday things, with the help of gaining real-outside-world-experience, his smartphone, and the others. Musicals were new, despite having the word music in them, which was the thing Xiaojun loved spending his time with most.

“ _Well, basically a drama, but there’s dancing and singing.”_

Xiaojun stared at Kun, feeling his eyebrows rise until the skin started aching. He quickly relaxed his face and tried to ignore that there was the horrendous scar on his forehead.

_“Yeah, I know it’s nerdy, you don’t have to judge me.”_

_“What? That sounds like the best thing!_ ” Xiaojun gasped, grabbing Kun’s shoulder and shaking him a little.

_“Uh. Okay?”_

_“Can you watch it? Should you listen to it? Can you recommend me something?”_

Kun stared at him for a moment, and Xiaojun tried his best pleading expression.

 _“Like, for real?”_ Xiaojun nodded eagerly, _“I, sure I, wow, I don’t even know where to start.”_ Kun looked genuinely puzzled for a second, the continued, _“There are so many good ones! True classics, or really popular new ones… I guess one with a Chinese translation would be best, so you can understand everything! What would you like for it to be about? Love? Rebellion? Well, most of them are about love, it’s… very popular.”_

_“I like love when it’s nice and happy, like Ten-Ge and Johnny-Ge.”_

_“Oh yeah, who wouldn’t want that,”_ Kun muttered, looking deep in thought.

Wait!

Kun wanted to have a boyfriend? Girlfriend?

Did he have someone he liked?

Who were they?

Xiaojun immediately felt on edge. He’d definitely have to very thoroughly check whoever wanted to be with his Kun. Actually, he’d rather not have anybody. Ten was gone to see Johnny a lot, and Xiaojun understood why, but…

He kind of wanted Kun all for himself.

“ _I mean, there’s a lot of musicals on DVD, but I’m a little picky. Often, the productions for a video are different in a bad way, so I prefer to watch the borderline illegal fan-filmed ones on YouTube and just listen to the recordings. Maybe we could just listen to some of my favourite songs, so you can figure out if you like the style of music?”_

_“Yes, please!”_

Xiaojun immediately patted the pillow a few times, to get it to the right state between fluffy and flat, before settling on it. Kun typed on his phone for a bit longer, his brows furrowed in deep concentration. It looked funny because at the angle they were when pulled together like this, the striped pattern looked a little how one would draw a tent.

Fascinated, Xiaojun reached out to trace them. The moment he started brushing over them, though, Kun looked up at him with wide eyes.

 _“Sorry, I didn’t want to bother you.”_ Xiaojun pulled his hand away.

Kun swallowed visibly, then turned back to his phone, searching for another moment before finally finding what he had been looking for.

“ _So, this first one would be from Wicked, it’s called defying gravity.”_ Xiaojun didn’t miss how Kun’s voice was a little higher than normal. He sounded nervous.

He probably wanted Xiaojun to like it, too, since he clearly did. For once being the one to be looked toward for approval made him feel weirdly responsible. He didn’t want to disappoint Kun – but if it was a story in a song, there was little that could go wrong, right?

He loved lyrics with deeper meaning, that allowed him insight into peoples’ lives. Obviously, it was even better when he could relate, but generally, everything was interesting and could help him learn more about real life. If there was a whole story being told in multiple songs, the problem he usually had, which was that it ended without a solution but an open-end, might be fixed.

Kun’s song opened with a fight between two friends.

One wanted the other to come back, but the other couldn’t. She let her know she wasn’t going to let borders that others had put onto her hold her back anymore, she was trying to go where people told her she couldn’t. Xiaojun listened with bated breath when she then asked her friend to come with her, to together defy gravity, leave those that were trying to hold them back behind. For a moment it seemed like the perfect happy ending. But then, her friend didn’t go with her. She wished her to be happy, but she went alone.

She would be free and would grow, but alone?

 _“Why didn’t they go together?”_ Xiaojun asked with a shaky voice.

 _“Oh my god, no! It was meant to be a good start!”_ Kun gasped and threw the phone aside to pad tears off Xiaojun’s face.

_“I liked it, but why didn’t they go together? Do they end up together? Is there a happy end?”_

_“They didn’t separate on bad terms.”_ Kun deemed his tears dried sufficiently and pulled back. Xiaojun managed not to immediately burst into more, seeing how Kun hadn’t felt reassured he had enjoyed the song by them.

_“But she went alone!”_

_“Well, for her that was the right choice. It was her chance to prove herself and finally do what she wanted to, not what others wanted her to do. She could prove she was more than that, and she could also show she herself was strong enough to, well, defy gravity.”_

Xiaojun nodded. He’d still not want to defy gravity alone, but if her friend hadn’t been left behind for good that was a relief. If that had been the right choice for her to do, that was something he had to accept. Everyone was different, after all. It could be educational to learn more about her.

_“So, can we listen to that? Or to something else? I want to hear more!”_

_“Yeah, yeah, sure we can if you want! I, yeah, I have so many more songs I love!”_ Kun nodded so much his hair flopped around.

Xiaojun snuggled closer to him and let the music take him to different worlds – only a sneak peek into their universes at a time.

 

 _“How can you not like this?”_ Xiaojun mumbled when Kun concluded his musical 101 – much too soon.

_“Well, some say it’s too cheesy. Actually, most say that or that they can’t take the singing seriously.”_

_“But that’s so great! You can put in so much more than you could in just words! You have instruments and beat and melody!”_

_“Exactly!”_ Kun nodded _“You can tell a whole life story in just five minutes of a song and become wholly enraptured and touched by it like you had lived that life; you could never do that in a book with only five pages.”_

Xiaojun couldn’t believe Kun thought the exact same he did. It was like he had looked into his heart and said what he’d been thinking. How could it be their thoughts were so alike? A strange mixture of excitement and happiness started prickling on his skin, and he felt his pulse pick up a little.

_“I really want to see one live one day. Obviously, the biggest and most important stages are in New York and in London, but there’s plenty of adaptations in Seoul. That’s the beauty of musicals, in my opinion: it will come to you since the true magic is in the live performance and that’s what the audience pays for.”_

He looked like he was imagining himself in the auditorium of a big theatre, and Xiaojun felt like he had just been allowed a look into Kun’s dream – or one of his dreams. Like that flower field, he kept going back to in his sleep.

 _“Why haven’t you yet?”_ he softly asked. If they were in Seoul, it shouldn’t be impossible, right?

_“Well… there’s not really anyone else interested in it, the performances are usually in the evening, and I don’t think there are any Hybrids there at all. They’d probably give me a hard time.”_

Like the bus drivers and the rude other people on the street. Right. How had he forgotten?

_“I feel like they like cats even less than dog Hybrids, don’t they?”_

_“Some, I guess. Dogs have a better image. In the end, those who pushed these images onto us were humans, too, so it’s… unfortunate. They were the ones deciding what purposes we were to serve, for no scientific reason, only because they thought our look was more exciting and sensual. It’s a wicked circle of being marketed like that, so people automatically start thinking what they wouldn’t have connected that to bunnies or cats before. And now, they look down on us for something they pushed onto us. It does make me worry even more about going, yes.”_

 

Xiaojun considered Kun’s words for the rest of the day.

He hadn’t explicitly said it, but Kun never really did with these kinds of things, the sexual type. Xiaojun had still understood. The reason why it was always him geeing nasty looks, had to do with the fact that cats, and bunnies, were usually kept for chores and fulfilling sexual desires while dogs were kept as platonic company, often for children, or as guards.

For some reason, sex was seen as something shameful. Xiaojun had realised that. It wasn’t the same as Kun blushing and avoiding words, or Jeno giggling hysterically – that was being shy about it. While that also made little sense in Xiaojun head, because sex was just something really boring but natural, he didn’t judge others over what made them feel shy. Downright shaming it was something else entirely, though. By doing that and then pushing it onto cats and bunnies, it was easy to just push them into a role they deemed inappropriate.

It reached from brothels full of them, over being sold in the back of stores where people wouldn’t see, to them usually staying at home so they could be available to their owners at all times.

The root to Hybrids even accepting this life, was breeders telling kittens, like Xiaojun, from little on that they were too dumb to understand and learn, and made to serve and be grateful to their owner until they believed it.

To Xiaojun, it had been an unquestionable truth for seventeen years.

He had only started doubting here. From that doubt, he had managed to do so many things he had thought impossible because he had been told they would be, or because he had just assumed that to generally be the case and had concluded they would be.

It was incredibly unfair, to have this role pushed onto him and then be shamed and mistreated for it. He wasn’t a toy, and much less as he a sex toy. He was a smart and independent person. But if he so chose to, he could have all the sex he wanted. However, that wouldn’t make him worth less and not a reason to be shamed. It seemed like that was yet another opinion not really common for reasons Xiaojun couldn’t quite fathom. If he asked Renjun, it’d probably have a really complex and shitty social reason behind that he’d then need Doyoung to explain to him. Maybe, he’d ask another day.

Today, he felt like pushing the boundary further. He wasn’t sure what had inspired it, maybe the witch defying gravity, maybe Kun being too scared to go to a musical when he clearly wanted to so much, or maybe all the unfairness in his own life suddenly being summed up in a single sentence.

If he was given the chance to be what humans didn’t want him to be, why wasn’t he taking it? Really, fully seizing it, not just not-serving, doing what he wanted generally? Why on earth should he not understand maths? Why should that just happen to be the one thing he couldn’t do, when he could now even have Jeno spring up and give surprise hugs?

Why should he be what humans wanted him to be when Taeil gave him the freedom to be whatever he wanted to?

To figure out what he wanted to be, the basis was an understanding of the world. Education was the key to a better life!

Xiaojun really wanted to know how the Witch of the West had gotten to the point of flying off alone, what boundaries people had tried to push onto her, and why she’d do it alone. More importantly, he hoped to find out if she succeeded and how. He just needed a bit more inspiration to try and defy the gravity he was stuck in at the moment.

 

Luckily for him, Kun seemed to have trouble saying no when he tried to look as pleading as possible. He had never realised, or maybe it was new, but it seemed like a very handy option to have.

Freshly from a bath, he had run himself (almost, Taeyong had had to turn it off, but it was huge progress in Xiaojun’s books), he settled in a nest of blankets and pillows next to Kun to watch the slightly shaky version of Wicked, gotten from maybe not fully allowed places on the internet.

There were no boring love triangles, there was singing, dancing, beautiful costumes, and an intriguing story. There was conflict, and while it was overcome relatively easily for the sake of time, it felt more realistic than any fortunate resolution TV had ever offered.

It was the best time he had ever had watching something.

It was perfect and Xiaojun was going to fight the next person saying musicals were bad.

 

 _“And to think we watched Harry Potter together but you abandon it for musicals, you heathen!”_ Chenle whined loudly.

“ _We all worry about his sanity.”_ Guanheng nodded, before mixing the cards once more and giving the second hand.

 _“I worry for your terrible taste in stuff!”_ Xiaojun huffed and carefully turned them to see what he had gotten, only to be greeted by nearly only blue and not a single colour-changing, nor the type that’d punish the next person into picking two. This wasn’t the way to win Uno!

 _“At least Kun-Ge has someone to be lame together with now. Wow! It’s a dream couple!”_ Yangyang chirped and immediately cackled when he picked up his cards, meaning, he had had luck.

“Has anyone told you it’s rude to speak in a language the others can’t understand? I am hurt, I am offended, I am – ow!”

“Sorry, I slipped!”

“I’ll tell Jungwoo-Hyung you hit me and then you’ll be going without your sugar and caffeine overdose for a week.”

“Do you really think Jungwoo-Hyung tells this face anything no?” Jaemin made a heart-wrenching puppy face and blinked big eyes at them.

“You’re a spoilt brat!”

“Said the one who throws tantrums when he loses.”

Cute couple… the word kept bouncing off the walls of Xiaojun’s head, and he suddenly couldn’t sit still properly anymore.

 

Last time Xiaojun had tried to sneakily ask for a favour, Doyoung had seen right through him. In a change of strategy, Xiaojun came into the kitchen, where Doyoung was drying off dishes and Taeyong was piecing together a meal plan, with a letter written in the most sophisticated lettering he knew, hands a little sweaty where he was holding it.

The faster he got this over with and faced possible humiliation, the better. He had to answer Chenle’s round of the Quiz App. It wasn’t like winning was hard for Chenle, since 75% of the things asked were Greek to Xiaojun, but it was still fun and when he knew the answer he always got very excited, so he kept taking Chenle’s challenges.

If Doyoung would agree, his Quiz-winning-rate surely would go up as well. It was a win-win, so to speak.

“Hyung, if the offer still stands, I’d really like to learn new things. Like… maths. And… uh… maths? I wrote you a letter to show my sincerity.”

Xiaojun dipped into a small bow and stretched his hands out to hold the letter in front of Doyoung’s chest. The bunny looked down on it, then at Xiaojun, then at the letter, then back at Xiaojun, more and more confusion in his eyes.

“You… wrote a letter?”

Xiaojun withdrew a little. “Y-yes? To list the reasons why I’d like to learn more and how I’d go about it. Yixing-Hyung makes me write lots of lists to help with worries, so I did that. I wanted to show you I was really eager to learn and make an effort! And I also don’t plan to call you, erm, arrogant or snobbish, um, or any other swearwords, anymore. Even if you disagree to teach me.”

Doyoung put the towel aside and finally accepted the envelope Xiaojun had gotten from Ten.

“It’s not, I mean, I just didn’t expect one.” He stroked a hand over it, “That’s really sweet of you. Of course, the offer still stands, I was hoping for you to maybe come around since you were able to overcome so many issues.” Doyoung smiled and Xiaojun felt himself straighten a little under the praise.

“I think you’re sincere, but if want you to learn, know that you will have to put in the effort and it might be frustrating from time to time. If you just throw the sponge, the first time you realise something is difficult to understand, we can’t do this. It’s normal to not immediately get something or we’d be handing out Nobel prizes left and right. You will have to tell me so I can reiterate.” 

Xiaojun still hated feeling dumb, but he got it. He had to maybe feel a little dumb to be smart in the greater picture.

“I will. Please give me a chance to become educated!”

“Alright, we’ll start tomorrow after breakfast.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no clue if there’s a Chinese version of Wicked, I don't think there is, BUT THAT’S NOT STOPPING ME.
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Kun’s](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EAqE6qkUEAABMab?format=jpg&name=small) profile is very handsome, like everything about him, and will be very relevant for this chapter~

Xiaojun wasn’t sure why, but he couldn’t quite relax all evening. Well, no, he had been unbothered during dinner. Only ever since taking place squeezed in between Jaehyun and Kun, from where he had proceeded to lie down on top of the other cat comfortably, had his heart started to beat a bit faster.

Kun seemed to smell really nice today, too, and Xiaojun found it particularly hard to not purr when he pressed down on his muscle just right. At the same time, he was so weirdly on edge and nervous, excited, giddy, all in one? Relaxation definitely wasn’t possible in this state.

It was surely because of the lesson tomorrow. He wasn’t even thinking about them, but why else would he feel this way?

 

Regardless of his emotions being all over the place, Xiaojun took his time in the bath. He exfoliated his skin and looked at his arms and chest as much as he could. He was still taking the challenge of staring himself down to the point of his dumb head just surrendering. It hadn’t yet, but Xiaojun was determined to be more stubborn than his own brain.

**“Move, I’m tired!”**

Xiaojun sighed and let Guanheng climb into the tub next to him, dropping his arm back into the bubbles. Ten looked over from where he was blowing his hair dry, but neither of them picked a fight.

It wasn’t really comfortable with Guanheng, but it also wasn’t unbearable anymore, not how it had been. Xiaojun wasn’t sure what to call it and how he had gotten to this point, but he knew he still would have to really talk to him sooner or later.

Right now, later seemed preferable.

It was still too risky he’d just snap and do stupid things again. He hadn’t for weeks now, but who knew. Xiaojun wasn’t quite at the point where he’d trust himself with such a situation and Guanheng knew how to push his buttons like no other.

Jaehyun had been right. When Xiaojun climbed from the water and wrapped himself in his towel, his arms didn’t even look that terrible. They had become a bit more normal every day since starting the staring. Yeah, there were some streaks, here and there, but he could look at them and just see them as that, not as marks that’d literally take off his worth.

He didn’t turn to the mirror to dry his hair, but Rome hadn’t been built in a day either. One day, he’d check how his face now looked, with that scar on it. Today wasn’t the day.

 

Xiaojun definitely was nervous in the morning. He had totally been right, it had been because of the lesson today that his heart had been in his throat last night.

Last night’s nervousness had felt different from now, but that was probably just by chance. Or something.

Regardless, Xiaojun nearly choked on his rice, he ran from the kitchen when Taeyong turned the water on, despite that not being a problem anymore normally, and found himself sitting on the dinner table the second everything was cleaned up, every last hair on his body sticking up, his tail moving restlessly behind himself to the point where he was annoyed with the appendage.

“I really hope this isn’t as terrible as you seem to expect it to be.” Doyoung had his eyes on Xiaojun’s tails as well, looking a little insecure.

“I don’t think it’ll be terrible.” Xiaojun squeaked, sounding every bit like he did. He was a bit worried he’d break his word and call Doyoung arrogant or something. But mainly, he was worried he had overestimated his own capabilities.

No. No! He wasn’t going to let his breeder’s words, or anyone else's, especially not judgemental humans, decide over his life anymore! He was in charge, only himself, how Yixing had told him.

“Right, okay. Well, there’s plenty of things to cover, but before we do, I’d like to check where you are right now and also what you’re even interested in. We can scrap subjects you don’t care about, it’ll already be a lot, let’s give you a reasonable workload, okay?”

Xiaojun nodded. Small but steady steps were the key to success.

“To me, the most basic and important things would be maths, literature, social studies, geography, and biology. Five subjects are quite a lot, but it’s manageable, don’t you think?”

There was nothing to compare to, Xiaojun had to trust Doyoung on this one. He knew what he was doing. It was okay to trust him. He nodded.

“Great. How do the subjects sound? All interesting?”

“I think so?”

“Okay, it’s not fixed, we can always change it and we can add more subjects when you feel ready. I did the same for Jeno, Jaemin, and Guanheng.”

Wait.

Guanheng?

“Guanheng’s studying?”

“He is. He wasn’t educated too well by his breeder, as per usual, and his former owner didn’t fill in any gaps. Not like it’s a surprise, that guy was quite the low life, but yeah, he does.”

Xiaojun had never once seen Doyoung teach him, it was only ever Jeno… weird.

“You look doubtful. I’ll let you know that because of a certain feud, he wanted to have privacy for learning, so there were fewer things to use against him in pointless arguments.” Doyoung raised an eyebrow and Xiaojun dropped his gaze. He would probably have actually done that, given the chance.

Doyoung spread some textbooks and Xiaojun was back to being nervous to the point of feeling nauseous.

 

They started with literature. Xiaojun had not been doing a lot of reading, never, but also not since coming here, so there wasn’t much that was familiar to him in that field.

Frustration over the realisation immediately started rising the more questions he couldn’t answer. Xiaojun had promised to not let it get to him and Doyoung had told him it was normal, so, he pushed all the negative thoughts aside to the best of his abilities, not wanting to let them inhibit his progress before even making any.

For maths, Xiaojun at least was able to compute simple terms. He knew addition and subtraction as long as the numbers were small and easy to handle. Multiplying was also something he had a basic understanding of, while division already came hard. He had never been too sure how things would part off when you have a number of things given and a number of teams into which they’d separate.

It was okay, at least he knew something and would soon be able to use the new knowledge in real life. It’d be great!

Social studies actually seemed the easiest as of right now. It was also very real-life oriented. The checks and balances made a re-appearance and Xiaojun found himself curious to learn more, rather than frustrated. It was a good sign for him.

Geography, too, wasn’t completely new anymore. He had long figured out Shanghai was a city in China, Google could show him maps of the whole world, with so many different countries, cities, seas, lakes… it was mind-blowing.

Finally, there was biology. Xiaojun thought that entailed things like the human body and nutrition, and that was something Doyoung asked him about, but there was more, too. It seemed whatever the subject, you had to obvious things on the surface, but if you looked into it a little, there was more and more and more underneath.

If he was persisted enough to get there, it felt like he could dig for a treasure to find, somewhere, deep in these fields of study.

 

By the time the flat started to smell of food and Ten came for lunch break, Xiaojun felt like his brain had liquidised and was just splashing around in his head. He was exhausted, but he was happy. It felt like he had accomplished so much in just a few short hours.

If felt like he was really, truly breaking away from the restraints that had been put onto him all his life.

 

That feeling was strengthened throughout the next week whenever Doyoung praised him for doing well, whenever he was able to answer a question in the quiz against Chenle correctly, and it helped him chip in during the session of folding flyers with Renjun.

It helped him get through hard lessons, it helped him hold still when Jaemin was too rowdy, or when Donghyuck teased until Xiaojun felt like hitting him across the face.

 

It helped him stare at his arms, then his torso, his legs, until the scars were no longer taunting and terrible, but almost okay.

 

It felt like Xiaojun rediscovered himself, in a way. As a person that could stay calm and nice, and as a person that was almost confident in their skin. He wasn’t where he wanted to be, but he couldn’t go and expect himself to change in a day. He didn’t have to. It was okay to take his time. Those around him had patience with him. They were his friends, or, well, his family.

However, despite his newfound feeling of worth and direction, there was one very inconvenient thing and that was this weird nervousness/excitement/whateverthehellcoulditpleasejustleavehiminpleaceness that crept up on him occasionally.

Clearly, his initial assessment of it being related to the lessons had been wrong. He had been sitting down with Doyoung for over a week now and gotten used to the process.

Overall, the feeling only made an occasional appearance. Like now.

Well, today it maybe had to do with knowing Yukhei would pick him up tomorrow for the birthday party he was throwing himself, where Xiaojun had been invited as Chenle’s company.

Yeah! That had to be the reason! What else would it be?

“ _Since you liked the Grease movie, I thought we could watch some others. I mean, they’re not horrible or anything, it’s just that the stage productions are better, but obviously, the quality on screen is better when they’re produced for video.”_ Kun pushed Xiaojun’s slowly moving tail out of the way and rolled onto the bed next to him.

The living room drama-party still took place without them. Tonight was criminal mystery night. Xiaojun liked those least anyway, they were always too nerve-wracking to watch and he usually had to hide behind a pillow from at least the moment they found the body on – so, usually minute one or two. He knew Yuta and Sicheng were watching Anime because they also weren’t fond of bloody murder, but Taeil, Doyoung, Ten, and Jaehyun made it a game to try and guess the murderer the fastest.

 _“We could watch both, so I can appreciate both. Maybe I happen to like the film more.”_ Xiaojun bumped his head into Kun’s shoulder and softly sniffed on his shirt. They all used the same body wash, their laundry was done together, yet, Kun smelt just a little better than anyone else. Xiaojun couldn’t help himself and took another deep breath while Kun pulled up the video from the streaming service’s library.

_“So, this is called Hairspray and I should point out the one main actor is called Zac Efron and Jaehyun’s secret crush. Only it’s no secret.”_

 Xiaojun ceased trying to subtly scent Kun because he needed clarification on that.

_“But he wouldn’t know that Zac-person, how can he have a crush?”_

Kun paused the opening screen and turned a little

_“Well, for one, you can try and get glimpses into his life by watching interviews or following his social media, but mainly, he’s pretty hot. I think that’s the main motivation. Or maybe it’s because he links the actor’s personality to the role he played in High School Musical. Who knows?”_

_“How do you know a person is hot?”_

_“Uh… you look at them and… uh… find them… um… a-attractive in a, ehem, I guess sexually appealing way?”_ Kun flushed a cute pink and Xiaojun’s weird nervous-condition unbiddenly worsened.

 _“Oh, can you show me which one it is? I wanna know if he’s hot!”_ The mystery behind the whole wanting-to-have-sex situation was yet to be discovered – at least to Xiaojun. That was probably why he was so nervous: Maybe some pointers to a certified hotTM person would finally help him understand where the appeal came from?

Kun grumbled something that sounded like a confirmation, and Xiaojun happily got comfortable on his arm as he re-started the film.

 

As with each musical Kun had shown him so far, Xiaojun loved the music, the costumes were amazing, the dancing intriguing. Surely, the story was great as well and would help him learn new life-skills, if only he had been able to pay attention and follow it.

The hot actor was, well, handsome, definitely, pleasant to look at. Xiaojun found his eyes drawn to him due to his good looks – but not more. There was no sudden revelation of ‘wow, this is what having a crush feels like’.

The actual issue wasn’t that, though. It was that he was barely able to properly focus on the very important and amazing musical.

Everything around was too distracting today!

Whenever Kun moved, particularly when Xiaojun felt their tails brush or his leg rub against Kun’s, he couldn’t do anything but focus on how that left his body tingling, how close Kun was, how good he smelt, how soft his pyjama was and his fur, and how beautiful his voice sounded whenever he softly sang along to the songs. It left him tuning out the audio and only listen to Kun while staring at the side of his face as he was watching closely how the people on screen danced, not noticing Xiaojun’s gaze on him. His nose had a slight slope to it, matching the general softness of his face – for some reason that seemed more relevant and interesting than the musical could ever dream to be.

Everything seemed to be attuned to Kun, and his heart never stopped beating faster than it was supposed to, his skin never stopped tingling. Xiaojun was over-aware of his presence – after so many nights of having done the same thing, it was highly confusing why this was happening now.

In the end, he knew he had missed the most beautiful scenes of the musical due to staring at Kun instead of the screen.

 _“So, how was it?”_ Kun always asked that at the end of a video and he was always genuinely interested to know. He had closed the tab and turned off the computer to turn towards Xiaojun.

It seemed like today he was closer to his face than he normally was, and he could see where the colour of Kun’s eyelashes switched from black of the lower layer to caramel of the upper ones. It was yet another beautiful, small detail, that the genetic code of a Bengalese had gifted him.

Xiaojun hadn’t really watched enough to give a good answer, he hadn’t even listened to give his opinion on the soundtrack - lyrics or orchestration hat gotten lost in listening to Kun’s sing-along.

 _“Good, as always!”_ It wasn’t a lie. He had had a good time.

Xiaojun quickly reached out to run his fingers through Kun’s hair. In the cuddle-relationship, he admittedly was usually the one shamelessly letting himself be spoilt rotten. That was why he knew it was the perfect distraction method right now, when he knew he couldn’t answer deep questions on the plot. Normally, he loved to discuss every detail with Kun each time they had watched a musical.

Today, it’d immediately become obvious he had spent his time doing other things. He didn’t feel ready to admit he had found mapping Kun’s face more interesting. That sounded high-key creepy. Not to mention, if he did this right, Kun would stop looking at him with his attentive, green eyes and Xiaojun’s brain could stop hyper-focussing on his lashes.

It worked, as expected. Kun let his head drop onto the pillow in front of Xiaojun, sighing in content.

Xiaojun would definitely make sure to re-watch Hairspray when he had time to – which wasn’t as much as he used to have due to lessons eating up a lot of hours. He was glad it wasn’t because he felt like he was working hard on defying gravity – which was more fulfilling than any amount of laundry would. He’d definitely manage to find a small slot to rewatch! After, he could talk to Kun more about the plot.

Well, unless talking was the next thing to malfunction.

The soft rumbling of a purr came from next to Xiaojun. He looked around for a second, utterly confused where it came from. Absentmindedly, he moved his fingers a little, to reach the lower base of Kun’s ears, where he suddenly felt vibrations matching the purr. He nearly screamed in surprise.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know Kun could. He just hadn’t expected it.

You didn’t purr for the fun of it, you only did when you felt comfortable, really comfortable.

Even then, Xiaojun still hadn’t let himself utter one. He no longer thought it was too instinct-driven and would hinder him from ever be taken seriously. It was due to his talks with Jeno, Renjun, and the others over folding flyers, during which they had talked about the Hybrid Organisation goals, that he had added purring to the list of things important to value himself for who he was. He just had not let himself purr for so long, he hadn’t been able to let go of that control yet.

There weren’t that terribly many chances to try. No one else had done it around him yet either. At least not right next to him, much less because of him.

Hearing it from Kun, whom he liked so much, and knowing it was due to him that the other was feeling comfortable and relaxed to the point of purring, was just on a completely different level. At first, Xiaojun didn’t know what to do – keep going or stop? Since Kun seemed unbothered, freely allowing the reaction, Xiaojun realised it wasn’t really a problem. It was just a normal thing to do – and soon it would be a normal thing for him to do again as well.

Annoyingly, the message of it being normal didn’t reach his head, or rather his heart that was working its way out of his chest at the moment. For some reason, Kun purring under his hands felt much more significant than it probably was. Xiaojun wasn’t even sure how to interpret it, it just felt like this was the single best thing he had ever achieved in his life – when it was really just giving ear scratches.

Or was it?

 

Even later, after Kun had fallen asleep next to him soon, Xiaojun couldn’t quite get his mind to rest.

He was excited for tomorrow, but that wasn’t really it. This wasn’t normal nerves, this was something else, something new, something different!

Trying to curl up against Kun also didn’t seem to quite work, not how it usually did. Just like earlier, Xiaojun found himself over-aware of the other next to him, every brush of skin feeling like electricity running through his body.

For the first time in months, Xiaojun fell asleep rolled against the wall, as far away from Kun as possible. He wasn’t happy over having to keep his distance but he just couldn’t be close. It was Kun’s scent, Kun’s hair, Kun’s tail, everything about him suddenly seemed so new and different – so exciting.

 

When Chenle came to pick him up, late in the afternoon, meaning Xiaojun would miss his cooking duty and dinner, Xiaojun hadn’t expected to step onto the street and be greeted by the sight of a huge electric blue car.

It looked fresh from the factory, absolutely spotless and polished to perfection.

“ _Unfortunately, I can’t offer you the passenger seat because Yangyang pulled age privilege. I mean, you could try and overrule him?”_

 _“No, no, it’s okay.”_ Xiaojun stared without even trying to hide his awe for the sleek SUV.

The door opened, as Chenle came close enough, like operated by a very polite ghost. Xiaojun spotted Jisung on the backseat. Chenle climbed in first, and Xiaojun followed, holding his breath as he settled on the soft leather.

“ _Hey! Glad you could make it,_ **Fluff Ball**!” Yukhei turned in his seat and grinned. Xiaojun still internally sighed at the nickname. It was, well, it was sort of cute, and it was Yukhei’s way of showing affection, not disrespect. He’d still prefer his real name. It was special to him, and he liked it, so, he liked being called Xiaojun more than nicknames, even those with good intention.

_“Thank you for the invitation. And happy birthday. Urgh, I should have said that first. I also have a present!”_

_“Dope man, thanks! How about you give it to me when we’re there, so I can appreciate it?”_

Xiaojun nodded, feeling unsure whether or not the rain-cheque for cleaning up Yukhei’s flat was really worth the effort, but he scrapped the though when he realised he was putting himself down. Of course, it was worth it! Xiaojun was offering his time to do things that, frankly, Yukhei should be doing himself.

 

Unlike the busses, that usually did surprise speed-ups and made you test your balancing skills, Yukhei pulled into traffic as smoothly as fit for a car this elegant. The engine hummed, speaking of a lot of horsepowers, and Xiaojun couldn’t help being very impressed.

It was kind of a lot cooler than going by bus, he had to admit it. There was English rap music from the speakers and Yangyang and Yukhei seemed to know all the lyrics by heart, keeping up with them throughout the ride. Xiaojun didn’t know them, but he felt the beat get under his skin, and nodded along absentmindedly.

“ _So, we already made teams in advance, just in case. It’s always safer than having to come up with them on the spot. Obviously, you’re in my team. And then we also got Yangyang and Jaemin, which is okay. Jaemin gets a little worked up over the competition sometimes, so just ignore it if he does. Yukhei-Ge and Doyeon-Jie will take Jisung and Yoonjun, thank god – we would have been doomed. Yoojun is Jisung’s friend from his dancing class, by the way.”_

Xiaojun nodded through the rap music. Chenle had instructed him before he had ever agreed to come. They were going to go bowling. It was a popular game to play in films, and Xiaojun had researched the rules, as well as any sort of tips. He felt well prepared!

He was going to be nice to the new people he hadn’t met yet and it’d be fine.

 

However, as they pulled into the car park and the engine and music died, Xiaojun suddenly wasn’t sure it’d be fine again.

What if he messed up?

He didn’t even have Ten, or Kun, or Taeil, or anyone else to fix it for him!

He’d mess up Yukhei’s birthday and his girlfriend would hate him, and Chenle wouldn’t be friends with him anymore and…

Why on earth had he agreed to come here?

“ _Hey, it’s okay if we don’t win, right?”_

 _“What?”_ Xiaojun jerked from his worries and blinked at Chenle, who had just spoken.

 _“Your tail is going haywire.”_ Chenle gestured where the fluffy appendage was living its own life. _“It’s just for fun.”_

 _“Okay. Thanks.”_ Xiaojun swallowed.

He had this under control! He had learnt so, so much, meeting new people wasn’t scary, they had nothing to do with the monsters. They were humans, yes, but just as important as himself, but not more than that.

 _“You’re welcome. I deserve a hug for that._ ” Chenle announced and wrapped himself around Xiaojun, hooking his chin over his shoulder. Chenle had the perfect height to do that.

They waited a few more moments, then, a yell ripped Xiaojun from his fascination with the pattern on Chenle’s jacket

“Happy birthday, baby!” A girl called from where she came running down the street, long hair gently swinging behind her where it fell over his shoulders in a perfect black curtain.

She didn’t slow down but jumped into Yukhei’s arms with a squeak, who easily caught and held her. Yangyang pulled a face while stepping away.

“Gross.”

Jisung pointedly turned his head and guarded his eyes with his hand dramatically, as Yukhei pressed a kiss on her cheek then pulled away and grinned brightly.

Xiaojun watched in interest. Johnny sometimes tried to sneak kisses, but Ten would always either flee or immediately scold him for being too public about it. Xiaojun got the concept of not being too indiscreet about things such as kissing. On the other hand, wasn’t it so nice that they liked each other so much they wanted everyone to know? Or, the other way around, they didn’t care who saw?

Yukhei put her back down, and the girl turned her attention to the small group of Hybrids, beaming brightly. Even in her sneakers, she was taller than them. Her mouth had a unique curve to it, Xiaojun couldn’t not compare it to a puppy.

“Hi! I’m Kim Doyeon, we haven’t met yet, right? You’re Xiaojun, I’m assuming?” she held out her hand and Xiaojun took a small, sharp breath, before very quickly shaking it and nodding.

He let go as quickly as he could, and his heart was racing loudly in his ears – but he had done it! And nothing had gone wrong, he didn’t even feel hostile towards Doyeon.

“You’re from the Cantonese area in China, Yukhei said?” she asked and Xiaojun nodded again. He had learnt about China with Doyoung, it had been the very first thing they had done in geography. While he wasn’t sure which city he was from originally, due to his language skills and accent he knew it was the area of Canton, located in the South, where the climate was a bit gentler than here in Seoul.

“ **I’ve been learning Cantonese. I’m really bad at it.** ” Doyeon pieced together and Xiaojun felt his eyes widen. “That’s already the extent. I could order food, in theory.”

“I-it’s good!” Xiaojun assured her. He had not expected anyone to learn Cantonese, much less use it with him. Between Mandarin and Cantonese, the latter was the language he connected to his earliest memories, though he knew he had always been raised in both to assure he was proficient and able to converse with any future owner.

He didn’t actually remember his mother, but he liked to imagine she had spoken Cantonese with him. When he tried to imagine her, it was what fit his ideas.

“No way, you can also introduce yourself, and your family, and you can talk about your pets and your hobbies!” Yukhei came to her defence immediately, and Doyeon laughed, shaking her head.

“I’m really insecure! Taking new languages is hard, don’t make me look better than I am.”

“But that’s my duty as your boyfriend! To make you look your very best and possibly even better – but that’s nearly impossible.” Yukhei announced and Chenle pretended to throw up behind him.

Xiaojun found it a little funny, how the three white dogs, who looked like the tiny-trio next to the two humans, kept overreacting to how cute the two were. Maybe it was because Yukhei was their owner, thus kind of an older brother figure? Xiaojun himself felt the most confused whenever he saw Taeil and Jungwoo be affectionate with each other in a romantic way – even though the sight was rare, to begin with. The three probably felt similarity to that when it came to Yukhei and Doyeon.

Xiaojun really wanted to have someone like this, to jump into the arms of and give a kiss, and who’d make him seem better than he was. Who wouldn’t want that?

While Xiaojun did believe he had become a better person, nicer, calmer, smarter, he wasn’t quite sure it’d be enough for anyone to fall in love with. To make matters worse, he had no one he was interested in that way, no crush to wish to do these cute things with.

 

Yoonjun arrived next, and Xiaojun only had to bow with him. He was small and shy and didn’t talk to anyone other than Jisung, which worked perfectly for Xiaojun.

Finally, Jaemin came in a flurry, apologising three times and explaining that he had missed his bus stop and ran all the way back from the next. From how his face was flushed and his hair messy, it looked as dramatic as he pictured it to be, and Yukhei told him not to worry, he had missed his stops too many times to count.

Inside the hall, they got different shoes that’d work better for the floor. There were two lanes reserved from them, but to their left and right other groups were playing. Music was booming and colourful lights made the place seem more exciting than it probably really was.

Xiaojun definitely saw some of the other players look over and whisper when a group with more Hybrids than humans settled between them. He brushed his hair over his forehead and carefully redirected the tips, so they wouldn’t poke into his eye. Once he’d manage to look into the mirror to see his face, he’d ask Jungwoo to cut it for him. He just needed a little longer.

They got drinks and snacks, which were too salty for Xiaojun’s liking, and Yukhei soon threw the first ball down the lane, immediately knocking all pins over for a clean strike.

Xiaojun gasped and clapped along with the others of Yukhei’s team until Jaemin complained he couldn’t support their enemy.

By the time it was his turn, he was both so impressed by everyone else’s skills, and so nervous to be a full failure, he lost grip of the ball too early and it went right into the gutter.

Expecting to be taunted and maybe even accused of sabotaging the team, Xiaojun felt his ears and tail pull closer to his body. None of that happened. Instead, Yangyang slapped his back, as he often did, laughing:

“That was miserable! Don’t worry, you’ll figure it out. We already prepared for you to be the baby of the team.”

“The baby?”

“Yep,” Jaemin confirmed with a grin. Xiaojun had the suspicion the two just enjoyed testing the limits and ignoring the age hierarchy. He had noticed it seemed to be something they did a lot, Mark being one of the other victims. However, Xiaojun didn’t really mind it. Just like Mark, he was not too set on strict honorifics, especially when they were so close in age. At least neither was upset. He had seen the competitiveness Chenle had warned him of, and he remembered from New Year’s Eve, in Jaemin earlier. That he gave Xiaojun the room to mess up because he simply didn’t know better, was even more considerate remembering that.

“If you only throw once, the next player can still score high if he throws well,” Chenle explained, fully disbursing any worry lingering.

The relief over the words made Xiaojun nearly cry, but he managed to not.

From then on, the stress and anxiety were replaced with a positive eagerness to at least hit one pin – which he managed to during his third round. He was so excited he somehow ended up jumping around like a complete fool while hugging and equally excited Jaemin, and that alone was enough for another rush of happiness.

 

By the time they beat Yukhei’s team fair and square, he felt like he was drunk of the feeling.

Xiaojun had been drunk before, several times to be precise, and overall there were more drawbacks. The only good part about it was feeling one emotion amplified to the point it was all he could focus on. It was like this right now. He just felt happy, so, so happy, as he found himself between Chenle and Yangyang, hopping down the busy street to where Yukhei was taking them for dinner. There was no fear over being touched, not worries over being betrayed, just pure, bright happiness.

 

The pizza they had was extremely fatty and Xiaojun watched the others eat until they felt sick, but didn’t manage to have more than two slices himself. Ignoring the obvious over-eating, they immediately went for ice cream as a dessert.

Jaemin started a food fight, born from the excessive gluttony, by painting Jisung’s face with the strawberry sauce topping. Soon, everyone was pushing each other around in trying to get hits in, the corner of the Baskin Robbin’s shop they had settled in turning into a mess until the employees asked them to please calm down.

 

When Yukhei dropped him off where Taeil was waiting on the street, in front of the plate reading “Heaven”, there were chocolate and other unidentifiable stains all over his clothing and sugar pears on his left ear no one had managed to get off without pulling his fur painfully, but Xiaojun still couldn’t stop smiling.

“You look like you had a good day,” Taeil commented and Xiaojun hopped over to give the surprised human a greeting-hug, just because he felt like it. The other carefully hugged back and Xiaojun nearly wanted to not let go, so high on adrenaline and dopamine.

“It was so much fun!”

“What happened to your ear?” Taeil immediately spotted the colourful decoration that didn’t quite belong, “Can I touch?”

“Sure. But don’t worry, it’s only sugar pearls that are stuck to the hair.”

Taeil let go upon hearing the explanation and sighed. “I don’t even want to know how they got there. Let’s just hope they’re willing to budge in a bath.” He ruffled Xiaojun’s hair, before letting go, and Xiaojun happily butted his head against Taeil’s shoulder before separating.

 

As it turned out, they weren’t willing to go anywhere. At least not as easily has Xiaojun had expected them to be.

“I’m really trying my best, there’s just so many, how did they even get here?”

Xiaojun tried to swallow the whimper when Taeyong pulled on the hair again, making pain shoot through his scalp from it.

“I’m sorry.” Taeyong was already doing him a favour in trying to get them out, now Xiaojun was making him feel bad when it didn’t even hurt that much. It wasn’t even pain inflicted on purpose, so he was spared the emotional toll.

“It’s not that bad. I’ve had worse.” Xiaojun tried to reassure the older. Still, when Taeyong plucked another one of them, he whined again.  At least his face was already wet from the bath and no one would see he was crying a little.

“That’s even worse! You shouldn’t… I mean… it doesn’t matter people hurt you worse before, you should have to be in pain at all!”

“Yeah. I just… don’t feel bad, Hyung. I had a lot of fun” Xiaojun mumbled and Taeyong sighed deeply.

“At least you had. Next time, don’t let anyone put sticky things in your fur, okay? That was the last one, take a dive so I can check it’s all clean.”

Xiaojun nodded and sunk into the tub, submerging himself in the water for a moment, then shifted to be able to come up upside down and avoid water pooling in his ears.

It didn’t matter the food war had been a bit troublesome to get rid of, Xiaojun still was in a brilliant mood despite the pulled fur and tears.

 

That was until he was in bed, next to Kun, where he should be relaxed and calm, only to find he was anything but.

Just like yesterday, it was like there were ants running over his skin where he touched Kun. Why did this keep happening?

It was similar to what had happened earlier. When he had come back from bowling and seen Kun, suddenly, his heart had been beating faster and his stomach felt fluttery. He wasn’t sure why, but there had been something different about the other cat, too. Maybe he had gotten more handsome or something? It was actually a little confusing.

Maybe he’d do some research tomorrow. It almost sounded like those things Renjun and Jeno had counted when they had talked about a crush. It kind of fit.

But there was obviously no way he had a crush on Kun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over on Twitter, Kei (Twitter name) took the time to draw both [Ten](https://twitter.com/KeiSugarbat/status/1158027637358563328) and [Doyoung](https://twitter.com/KeiSugarbat/status/1158240634286854145), please check their art out and leave them a like if you enjoy it. I’m so over the moon to see these. I compiled all the art I received so far under the series’ description, thank you so, so much to everyone who took the time. I love how different the interpretations of my descriptions are <333

According to Google, the whole mysterious nervousness apparently was either a crush – which, no, Xiaojun totally did not have a crush, what a ridiculous assumption – or some heart disease. Xiaojun was quite sure Taeil would have noticed the latter, so he just crossed it off as a major inconvenience he had to live with from now on.

The attitude was everything, as Ten often said. Remembering that, Xiaojun forced himself to not constantly bury his nose in Kun’s clothing and hyper-focus on their legs or tails occasionally moving against each other. That way, he managed to pay attention to the plot of whatever beautiful musical Kun was showing him and indulge in lengthy discussions about every last detail after. Those were just as, if not even better than the hyper-fixation on external traits Kun had. Xiaojun got to learn more and more about his preferences and perception. Ultimately, that was even more intriguing than to watch how black and caramel merged together into perfect harmony in Kun’s lashes or commit the shape of his lips into memory.

He obviously still occasionally slipped. Especially when the plot didn’t matter, like during the drama sessions, or later in the evening, when they were trying to sleep.

As long as he wasn’t missing out of his life by accident because he had gotten lost in how green Kun’s eyes were, he could allow himself to stare and think about it a little. Everything in moderation.

Just in case, he did keep a close eye on whether he should worry Google had been right and this actually was heart disease. So far, the initial diagnosis “major inconvenience” seemed the better fit.  

 

 **“That was my spot.”** Xiaojun immediately slammed his lyrics book shut and looked up at Guanheng. He had had quite little time to think of his own music ever since Doyoung had started teaching him, but it wasn’t really an issue. He still had the weekend and evenings, and learning was near as fulfilling.

**“Well, I didn’t know it was.”**

**“Yeah, well, that’s why I’m saying. Can I have it back?”**

**“Sure.** ” Xiaojun scooted over to the chair next to where he had just been sitting. Guanheng let a box drop onto the table, a colourful print-out flying from it.

**“Are you folding alone?”**

**“Yes, of course 3,000 flyers on my own, piece of cake.”** Xiaojun rolled his eyes **“No, Donghyuck and Renjun will come at 3 pm, and Jeno’s just still brushing his teeth. I wanted to ask if you would help, too.”**

 **“Yeah!”** Xiaojun jumped up and hid the sketchbook in the bookshelf.

Reading the pamphlets was always very interesting. There often were things written in them he hadn’t known before, and even if he already did, he usually got validation those things he thought or felt were okay for him to think or feel.

Today, it was about education again. Xiaojun found that to be very important.

**“When is Taeil-Go’s hearing?”**

**“On Thursday. And, uh, did you hear there was police investigation at the brothel you came from? Well, not at it, but about it. They’ll maybe go if there’s enough evidence.”**

**“No, I haven’t. What did they figure out that wasn’t already obvious?”**

**“I don’t really know, not much has transpired yet. It’s already pretty good they’re even looking into it instead of pretending it doesn’t exist.”**

**“If there are no consequences from looking into it, they might as well not. In the end, the police officers will probably be appeased by getting some of the prettiest Hybrids for the whole night. I don’t see anyone benefitting from that, other than maybe these police officers who get to fulfil some fantasies.”**

**“What? No! They… they wouldn’t do that… that’s…”** Xiaojun turned to look at Guanheng, but the other didn’t look like he thought he was insane for suggesting this to be the solution to threats. Guanheng probably knew Xiaojun wasn’t just making this up – it was his experience. He looked like he knew it was true but didn’t want it to be.

**“You give humans too much credit. Wasn’t your old owner pretty much trash?”**

Guanheng sunk into his chair and stopped his folding, and instead stared at the print-out. **“I-I guess he was.”**

**“You guess? How can you not know? Isn’t it easy to see if a person is a monster or not?”**

**“It’s not always that simple. I… I know rationally he abused me, but I… it’s harder to get my heart to realise it.”**

Xiaojun stared at Guanheng for a few seconds, trying to stomach that. From how tiny and miserable the usually confident tabby looked, Xiaojun knew he wasn’t just faking this.

It sounded downright awful, terrifying even.

**“But…”**

**“Don’t tell me it’s stupid. I know it is!”** Guanheng hissed, suddenly straightening up. His eyes still spoke of fear and insecurity though, not matching his attitude.

**“I didn’t mean to. I was just, uh, I’m really sorry you were put through that. It sounds evil.”**

**“Oh.”** Guanheng took a shaky breath and nodded, **“Thanks, sorry, I just. I jumped to conclusions. I guess I myself think it’d stupid, and it really is. You probably know how you expect your owner to be such a perfect person, who’ll care for you and be so endlessly generous to pay for your ass like it’s them doing you a favour. That’s why I still can’t really see him for what he really did and… it took a while to accept that going back wasn’t an option. Not like he would have taken me or anything. I-I was that Hybrid to follow every word and be grateful even when I was treated like shit. I just didn’t know I could not do that. I never questioned it.”**

Guanheng resumed his folding, but he was still crouching on his chair and Xiaojun suddenly realised something very grave.

**“I’m so sorry I said that to you. You know, that you’d just take a fucking and say thank you. Not only because Taeil-Go would obviously never ask that from us. I know sometimes you don’t consider doubt an option, I should have realised that’d apply to giving sexual favours to an owner as well.”**

Never before had he had made the connection, but now it was so obvious and he felt like a pretty big asshole for not seeing that before. Well, then again, there were many things Xiaojun was only starting to see now. Next week, there’d probably be even more he wasn’t seeing today.

**“And about snapping back when you asked if I were Chinese. I didn’t know there were people like Renjun. That was rude, too. Sorry.”**

Guanheng swallowed, but he turned his face to Xiaojun and there was a small smile on it now. **“Thank you, that… that actually really helps. Not the Chinese thing, that wouldn’t have been too bad, I guess. But when you said I didn’t have a spine and stuff. I still was a little caught up on that. It hit a bit too close to home for me since those are things I’m really trying to leave behind because the results really hurt me. I…”** he took a deep breath

**“I was pretty much abandoned by my owner. Like the dogs, humans leave at rest stations on the highway. He didn’t want me anymore, so he left me behind and I searched to find him back for quite long. I even wanted to return to him after Taeil-Go had already taken me in for good and I had realised there were some issues with him. I was so sure he was actually this perfect person I expected him to be. I’m pretty embarrassed by that. That’s why I kept picking fights, I couldn’t get over it because I used to say thank you after having to suck his dick. I’m sorry, too, for thinking you weren’t grateful and weren’t trying. I know you are, I know things aren’t always as easy as they seem – like seeing if a person is good or bad. I wasn’t trying to understand you, I was just trying to see more reasons to be angry with you.”**

Xiaojun nodded, suddenly feeling weirdly choked up. He hadn’t realised how much his words had hurt Guanheng. He had only seen his own pain. **“Thank you, too. Maybe… it’s not too late to become friends?”**

Guanheng grinned and shook his head. **“I sure hope not.** ” His smiled faltered just as quickly has it had come: **“Hey, so, do you think the police might actually have been appeased by being offered services?”**

 **“Yeah, pretty sure. They don’t even come much, to begin with, but sometimes there were** **brawls or things of the likes that made someone call them. The handlers knew how to make them go away and avoid getting any legal records. Either they offered sex or straight-up money. They’d go higher with their offers until they’d say yes.”**

 **“I… but… they’re supposed to keep citizens safe and uphold the law!”**  Guanheng had the look on, that spoke of disbelief for the sake of not wanting the truth to be the truth.

Xiaojun shrugged. **“I like the law, I like my old handler is in jail because of the law, but I don’t think the system keeping it in place is all that reliable.”**

**“Well, I’m sure Taeil-Go’s lawyer will be able to press about results or something. They can’t go and pay bribe money to get out of this!”**

Xiaojun wished they couldn’t. He really wished there was a way to properly bring them to justice.

His hopes weren’t high though. There probably wasn’t that much illegal going on and these monsters were rich! They had cash, watches, gold chains, cars, whatever they wanted.

All made with Hybrids kept there against their will and without a way out. The same Hybrids the police and judicial system wouldn’t bother listening to.

Maybe Xiaojun should tag along on Thursday when the hearing would be and the results from the investigation presented. If he stayed here, he wasn’t really doing anything.

 

He mulled the thought over and over, but he didn’t come to a conclusion whether to dare and risk a major step back if it turned out to be too early.

He was lost in thought and missed the conversation about an alleged crush on a girl Mark apparently fostered and Donghyuck was set on helping him with until they finished folding.

 

“Hey, Xiaojun-Hyung, we’re going to go to Cheongdam Park to see the last performances of the festival, do you want to come?” Renjun suggested as they closed the boxes of finished pamphlets, ready for a day of educating the public.

"What festival?"

"It's a cultural festival. They’ll be playing traditional instruments or sing. We’re mainly going because CLC will be closing. We need to be early to still get a place, so, we’ll see the earlier acts, too.” Renjun explained.

Live music? Xiaojun perked up.

“Who else is going?”

“Well, just us.” Renjun gestured between himself, Jeno, Donghyuck, and Guanheng. Xiaojun wrinkled his nose.

“I think Kun-Ge would enjoy it, can I ask him to tag along as well?”

Donghyuck’s eyebrows rose and his grin turned more mischievous.

“Of course.” He chirped and Xiaojun wondered what he had said that’d make Donghyuck grin like the cat that got the cream.

He didn’t dare ask and instead quickly hopped down the hallway to get to where he assumed Kun to be in their shared room, knocking and poking his head inside.

Kun was on their bed, Sicheng lazing across his lap, both of them stopping their conversation and turning their heads.

A weird, unpleasant feeling shot through Xiaojun at the image. Almost like jealousy?

Over what even? It was just a casual cuddling session with some talking. An everyday friendship activity. Sicheng was generally a very nice person, too, someone he wouldn’t have to worry over leaving his Kun with. Obviously, jealousy was completely unasked for. Yet it was there, sitting uncomfortably in his tummy. Xiaojun swallowed and grabbed the door handle tighter.

“ _Kun-Ge, I was going to a festival performance with the others. They’ll be playing music, so I thought you might like that, too? Uh, I’m sure you can come as well, if you want, Sicheng-Ge.”_

Weirdly enough, Xiaojun really hoped Sicheng would decline. He realised the main issue and reason for the jealousy wasn’t the cuddling, obviously Kun should get as many hugs as he wanted, but specifically the cuddling on their bed. Oddly possessive thoughts over how it should be exclusive to himself started echoing in his brain, and Xiaojun felt both irritated and like the world’s biggest fool.

 _“Na, I’m good, I’ll be watching Card Captor Sakura with Yuta-Ge in half an hour-ish, when he’s back.”_ Sicheng shook his head and Xiaojun looked at Kun expectantly.

The other cat was biting his lip, looking apprehensive. Xiaojun was sure it’d be awesome. Live music! In a park! With Kun! It couldn’t get any better than that! Their eyes met, and Xiaojun saw how the reluctance melted off Kun’s face.

 _“Y-yeah, sure, sounds f-fun.”_ It didn’t sound like Kun thought it’d be fun whatsoever.

_“It’s okay if you don’t want to go!”_

Kun smiled and shook his head.

“ _No, I really want to since you’re asking me. Let me just change into something different, okay?”_

Xiaojun eagerly nodded and the feeling of jealousy was replaced by more euphoria upon getting confirmation Kun would come (and Sicheng wouldn’t). He slipped from the room, bouncing back down the hall.

“I’m giving 20 bucks for a photo where you can see lips touching, 15 for one where it’s unmistakable, and 10 for one that’s close enough.” Donghyuck was just announcing when he returned to the living room. Renjun’s face was tinted pink and Jeno was half on top of the table, giggling like a maniac.

“That’s too low, you know that… oh, hi. Did he agree?” Guanheng asked with a smile that looked like the older ladies’ who wanted to sell their things.

“Yeah. What are you doing?” Xiaojun watched as Renjun suddenly seemed incredibly invested in his fingernails and Donghyuck struggled from a surprise-cough-attack. He sometimes had them, but this one sounded nothing like they usually did. He wasn’t rattling in gasping for air, just making very loud noises.

“We were making bets, we always do, it’s nothing personal.” Guanheng shrugged.

“Bets?”

“Y-yeah, it’s nothing personal. Just a game.” Jeno nodded, looking anywhere but Xiaojun’s direction.

A weird feeling of missing something possibly dangerous crept up on Xiaojun, and he managed to catch Renjun’s glance, who looked like deer caught in headlights, blushing darker immediately.

“What is the game on?” he asked, hoping to keep the tremble out of his voice. It’d be fine, surely they weren’t going to do anything to harm him, right?

“J-just because of y-your crush on Kun-Hyung.” Renjun stuttered.

Donghyuck groaned loudly and Xiaojun felt his eyebrows rise a little, just high enough to not bother his scarring skin – he had gotten better at judging how far he could go over the last weeks and months.

“I don’t have a crush on Kun-Hyung. Why would you think that?”

The silence that followed the words was palpable, and Xiaojun looked around the group in utter confusion.

Finally, Donghyuck cleared his throat: “Are you sure about that? Or are you just trying to deny it? Because denial is often an early stage of crushes.”

Luckily, Xiaojun had already very in-detail assessed the possibility of having a crush, and come to the unmistakable conclusion his inexplainable nervousness, the feeling of butterflies in his tummy, electricity on his skin when Kun touched him, and the weird possessiveness and jealousy had absolutely nothing to do with a crush.

“I just want to be really good friends with him.” Xiaojun nodded. That had to be it since he didn’t want to sleep with Kun. Totally not a crush!

“Oh no, he friend-zoned himself,” Guanheng whispered and Donghyuck groaned even deeper this time.

“The concept of friend zones is very problematic.” Renjun chipped in, and Xiaojun’s not-crush was dropped in favour of discussing if you could make friend zone jokes or not.

 

Fifteen minutes later, Xiaojun was better educated on nice guysTM and bundled up, next to an equally mummed Kun, walking down the ice-cold streets towards the festival.

The sound of music soon announced they were getting close, and Xiaojun felt himself grow even more excited than he had already been.

The park was lit up with spotlights of different colours, beating the darkness of late January afternoons and making it almost feel like it was daytime.

The lights were beautiful, but even more amazing was the beat of drums steadily cutting through the masses of people that crowded the big field. It immediately made him nod in his head to the rhythm.

They managed to push past some families and couples, as well as older people, securing themselves spots relatively far to the front. Xiaojun saw some other people who must be here for the idol group that’d perform later, holding glowing banners and sticks.

It was too cold and too wet to sit down, but Xiaojun didn’t think he’d be able to sit still anyway. A flute joined the piece and played a light-hearted melody over the steady beat. He listened in awe to how clear the tone was, and how beautifully the two instruments complemented each other. He hadn’t listened to a lot of traditional Korean music, but the sound was a bit familiar from the Chinese he had grown up with - like distant relatives.

The precision of the performance didn’t differ from a recording, but the sound and feeling transported couldn’t be compared. This live music held magic no recording would ever be able to capture. Xiaojun thought it was probably similar to how Kun preferred the shaky YouTube videos because they were truer to the real soul of a musical.

He listened in full concentration, not wanting to miss a single second. The tone of the music shifted, slowing down and becoming more sombre. The flute quieted down and a Gayageum replaced it.

There were no lyrics, but Xiaojun didn’t need them. He could imagine a story in his head easily from just the melody. The contrast between light-heartedness and thoughtfulness, then almost sadness, only to return to happiness and brightness after, was the perfect reflection of life in his opinion. There’d be ups and downs – warmer seasons, colder ones, rain or sunshine. The melody seemed to completely pull him from reality into another universe, where the music painted the narrative.

When the group finished, got their well-deserved applause, and left the stage, he slowly came back from inside his head and looked around. He realised he was still stuck to Kun, whom he had leeched onto earlier under the excuse of seeking warmth but really only to cuddle him, but between strangers.

“ _That was really nice, wasn’t it?”_ Kun asked over the chatter around them. Some people were leaving, but even more only now arrived.

 _“Yeah! Live is really something different!”_ Xiaojun agreed easily, then looked around again, “ _Where is everyone?”_

_“Oh, they wanted to get a better view. I hope you didn’t want to go with them? You wouldn’t reply, so I decided to stay back with you.”_

_“Oops, thanks. No, it’s okay. Listening is more important than seeing, I think.”_

Kun looked relieved, but Xiaojun noticed he kept looking around like he was searching for someone. On top of that, it wasn’t only him that was attached to Kun like a Koala, it was also Kun holding onto his hand as if his life depended on it. That wasn’t typical for him.

“ _If you want to leave, we can. I’m not that interested in the idol group.”_ Xiaojun offered, hoping not to hit a sore point, but subtly addressing the issue he assumed there to be.

 _“Well, if you think listening is more important, how about we just step outside? The music is easily loud enough to still hear it on the street.”_ Kun suggested. His voice was a bit too cheerful, and Xiaojun could almost see him beg for confirmation with his eyes. He genuinely didn’t mind, but he was almost shocked to see Kun get thrown off like this. He was usually unshakable, firm as a rock. For him to be this set on leaving, it had to be grave! Xiaojun was about to carefully ask if there was a reason to worry when Kun added: “ _And that way we’re not leaving the little ones behind.”_

Xiaojun was sobered immediately, his concern replaced with feeling downright offended:

_“The little ones?”_

_“Yeah, Jeno, Guanheng, Donghyuck…”_

Xiaojun swallowed. Guanheng was his age. So, he was a ‘little one’ to Kun? For some reason, he didn’t like that idea at all. He was an adult! He didn’t want Kun to think of him as a child!

There was no time to mope about it. They moved through the people, and it was a little hard to get past some, but eventually, they squeezed out between the last line. The security didn’t even spare them another glance, too busy keeping people out, now that the capacity apparently was filled, and Kun’s grip loosened.

 _“Wow, that’s a lot of people. Good thing they went early our they’d have had to make do with listening only, too.”_ Kun shook his head, nothing of the worry left he had just shown left, just his normal, calm attitude.

_“Yeah, pretty many people.”_

Xiaojun wanted to ask what had been wrong.

But now that Kun was back to acting as normal, he wondered if he had just imagined it. It certainly seemed unlikely and odd that Kun would be afraid of people. Sure, they could be nasty, but no one had paid them much mind. There really hadn’t been a single good reason to get worried.

He must have read him wrong, right? There was no way Kun would be so irrational and get scared over nothing, right?

Yeah. He had definitely projected or something. Asking suddenly seemed not only rude but downright ridiculous.

They moved further away from where the moderator was taking forever to announce the next group, obviously buying someone time. His thoughts wandered, from what might have bothered Kun, to their surroundings.

Xiaojun caught the scent of food and looked to locate where it came from. It was a small stand, a decent queue lining up in front of it.

 _“Do you want to look for a bench? We could sit down.”_ Kun suggested, and Xiaojun turned from the heavenly scent. The first beats of a pop song came from the speakers now, and the familiar sound, of what Jeno liked to listen to, started.

 _“Ge, would it be snacking to try the squid? I can smell it’s squid!”_ Xiaojun blinked at Kun, hoping to get positive confirmation it’d be fine.

“ _Well, yeah.”_

 _“Aw.”_ Xiaojun deflated, giving the stall one last longing gaze.

 _“I mean…_ Y _ou can snack, from time to time.”_ Kun cleared his throat.

 _“I can?”_ Xiaojun’s eyes widened and he felt his stomach rumble a little. It was close to dinner time, actually, the others were probably already eating. He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out the few bills and change he had. Taeil gave him an allowance every week but there wasn’t much to spend it on. That came in handy now! “ _It smells so good, I really want to try it! Do you want some, too?”_

 _“Ah… no, that’s okay.”_ Kun shook his head.

“ _You can try mine if you want! I’m sure it’s great!”_ Xiaojun promised as they moved over to get in line.

“ _I know it’s yummy, so don’t worry about it.”_

 _“Wha? But why aren’t you getting some? I’ll pay for it!”_ Xiaojun puffed his chest, feeling very proud over the suggestion. Kun’s eyes flitted over to the stall, but he shook his head.

_“I prefer to only eat regular meals, but that’s very sweet of you. Actually, I should be treating you, I’m older.”_

_“I’m very independent. I’m just as adulty as you!”_ It was the chance to make sure that Kun didn’t see him as a ‘little one’. He’d really like to pay for Kun’s food, to assess his reliability and matureness. If he didn’t want to snack that was his decision, though.

 _“Of course, you are.”_ Kun smiled and Xiaojun huffed and tried to stand taller to gain maybe half a centimetre of height like height measured the level of maturity. _“But you’re also really cute and I should treat you, as a good senior.”_

The words made Xiaojun’s stomach suddenly take a 180 from hunger to butterflies – was cute a compliment? Did Kun like he was cute? Or were ‘little ones’ cute? But Kun didn’t usually call people cute… or maybe he did so when he was alone, like when he had been cuddling with Sicheng earlier. On their bed. Sicheng was cute. Xiaojun definitely needed to be cuter!

It was slightly stressful and ended in Kun paying for his squid because Xiaojun was too busy worrying over words that might mean more than he thought, or maybe really just were words.

 

He burnt his mouth on it, but still enjoyed it to the fullest.

 

Kun stuck to not even giving it a try, but that meant there was more for himself, which was a great benefit seeing how delicious it was. Not as great as the one Taeyong and Kun had made for New Year’s eve, but almost.

When they settled on a park bench, Xiaojun was already nearly finished.

Kun had to shuffle in order to be able to sit and Xiaojun realised what he subconsciously had been missing but not been able to point a finger to until now – Kun had his tail hidden in his jeans.

They were human cut, without an allowance for the extra-appendage.

It confused him, why Kun would even have such uncomfortable clothing. Taeil surely would have gotten him something Hybrid-friendly if he so much as asked. Having to keep a tail in the leg of trousers was nothing but awful. It was like grabbing it to hold it still, the restriction to the movement was aggravating over time, much more so when sitting down, since it couldn’t move out of the way properly.

Thinking about it, he wasn’t sure what Kun had worn the other few times he had left the house together with him. It might have been the same and he hadn’t really noticed, just how he hadn’t this time until it had presented itself so strongly. He didn’t actively look for a tail in another Hybrid, it was just sort of there.

As he crunched on the blank wooden stick the squid had been on, trying to savour even the last molecules of the food, he wondered if it’d be rude to ask.

It’d probably be. Xiaojun wasn’t even sure how to address it. Maybe this had to do with the way he had looked earlier when he had asked to leave. It just… couldn’t be, right? This was Kun!

Xiaojund didn’t dare ask, yet didn’t feel like ignoring it altogether would be right when he had the suspicion there might be something wrong.

Words were hard and too easily hurt. Instead, he unceremoniously dropped himself over Kun.

He still felt bitter thinking how Sicheng had been doing the same thing a few hours prior, so he didn’t even bother apologising when Kun clearly got startled from being used as a pillow without prior warning.

While the music changed and the crowd got louder and louder, Xiaojun just stared up at the sky, dark, but star-less from the light pollution, and let Kun gently run his fingers over his nape.

It felt nice. They were in their own little world, right within the noise. He didn’t even feel the need to talk. He knew Kun was enjoying the music as well, even if there was no deep story of suffering or healing in the lyrics, they were still enjoyable. Some music was just there to have a good time, that was just as important as those giving a voice to those silenced in the past.

The purr scratched in Xiaojun’s throat and he tried to relax his muscles and let it out, but he was too tense. It stayed stuck where it was his chest.

It was okay. A bit more time, he’d get there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s now going to be 32 chapters bc one was 9k words long and I decided to split it into two bc it was just ridiculously long.
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [So soft](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EBacr7HU0AEkUPK?format=jpg&name=small)

“ _Like, okay, so, they’re trains? And they’re singing? And they’re in love?”_

_“Yeah, obviously. There’s also a god-like figure, which is the Starlight Express.”_

_“I’m sorry, you know I love you, but you’re losing it.”_ Chenle patted Xiaojun’s arm, and he whined in frustration.

_“It’s really amazing, they’re on roller skates and everything, and it’s by Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, he’s, like, the godfather of musicals, he wrote the Phantom of the Opera, too.”_

Chenle shook his head and pulled on the soft dough of his Hotteok.

It wasn’t like the flower field in Xiaojun’s head, but Cheongdam park was probably the closest thing he’d get during these cold winter months. He had come to the realisation on Sunday when they had been here for the festival, so, he had suggested going here instead of playing video games.

After all, Taeil allowed him to do whatever he wanted as long as he wasn’t alone.

_“I mean, you already have your musical-nerd-friend, so I hope you won’t be disappointed I just can’t share the obsession. I will happily send you more idol groups, though, if you want.”_

_“Yeah, sure. I looked into the girl group Jeno likes, CLC?”_

_“They’re great, totally underrated. I know Jeno’s developing a girl-crush on Yeeun-Jie.”_

_“Why does everyone have crushes?”_ Xiaojun sighed, “ _Do you have a crush, too?”_

“ _Hm, not right now, no.”_

_“At least!”_

_“Don’t you have a crush on Kun-Ge, though?”_

_“What? No, I don’t! Why does everyone keep thinking that?”_

Chenle shrugged and popped the rest of the snack in his mouth.

“ _Sounds like you have, looks like you have, but it’s fine if you don’t.”_

Xiaojun pouted, “ _I don’t. I already asked myself the same thing, but I’m pretty sure I don’t.”_

_“Kay. Tell me if you come to a different realisation, I’ll protect you from Donghyuck and Jaemin, or… I’ll try to.”_

_“Thanks.”_ Xiaojun knew most of the teasing Donghyuck loved to do, and Jaemin occasionally joined him in, was harmless, coming from a place of care rather than mockery. It sometimes still ticked him off when it got too much, and he could see Jaemin and his endless giggling becoming an issue if he ever actually did develop a crush and the other got news of that.

Luckily, he didn’t have a crush on Kun.

_“Oh, there’s someone playing basketball! Hey, are you fine if I ask if we can join?”_ Chenle gestured over to the field with the baskets, his short tail starting to wag a little. Xiaojun hadn’t gotten around to playing more than once, and that one time had been rather disappointing.

“ _Can I just cheer you on?”_

_“Well, if you don’t mind? If you’d be bored, we can not do it.”_

_“No, I like watching! I’ll make sure you feel very motivated!”_ Xiaojun beamed and Chenle laughed his dolphin-laughter.

 

The boys and girls playing looked young, maybe Chenle’s age or younger, all wearing school uniforms under the opened jackets. When Chenle and he stepped close to the field, some of them noticed and looked over.

Chenle waited until a goal was scored and the group gaining the point celebrated, which meant the game momentarily paused.

“Hey, could I join?” he called, “You’re one man short.” It was true, one team was made up of four, the other had five people.

A boy stepped up, eying them. Xiaojun hid behind Chenle, feeling quite intimidated by the human, though Chenle wasn’t exactly hiding-material.

“You any good?”

“Sure am.”

“And you know how to play?”

“My favourite team are the Golden State Warriors, my favourite player’s Stephen Curry. So, I admire Point Guards, but I like playing Forward because it matches my skills better. I can throw any distance, but middle distance is my best.” Chenle rattled down and the disapproving frown disappeared off the boy’s face.

“Okay, well, looks like you know your stuff.”

“What about your friend?” a girl asked, who had stepped up next to him.

Xiaojun panicked and crouched to hide better. He had no idea what a Forward or a Point was, though he remembered Chenle explaining, all memories of that had abandoned him.

“He’s my cheerleader,” Chenle announced.

“Oh! I want him on my team! You can have Hyunjin, he’s been annoying me.” She decided, “I want a cute cheerleader!”

“Hey!” someone yelled from the field – possibly Hyunjin.

“Yeah, well, maybe I want him because you’ve been playing at advantage for the whole game!”

“Oh, I’m sorry, should I get a plaster for your bruised ego?”

“Shut up, it’s not bruised, we’re still wiping the floor with you.”

“You are leading by hair’s breadth, but go off, I guess.”

All the other players had crowded around now, some supporting the girl, others the boy, probably depending on who was in which team. After the initial doubt, the boy had clearly held, Xiaojun had worried to see Chenle be turned down. That they were now even fighting over him made him extremely happy for him and proud he had dared to ask. The risk had clearly paid off!

 

The discussion eventually was solved by rock, paper, scissors, and Chenle ended up in the girl’s team.

Xiaojun settled on the bench on the side of the field, hoping to remember all the people in the team he was supposed to cheer for.

Chenle wasn’t the only one happy over a cheerleader, the girl who had called him cute and the other three on the team all had agreed. Despite not knowing them and feeling very shy around so many humans, Xiaojun was set on doing a good job in supporting them. They had been welcoming to Chenle, so, they deserved his cheers.

It really wasn’t boring. All players were fairly good, and Chenle seemed to enjoy himself. He stood out due to his white hair, and Xiaojun called loud encouragements whenever he was in possession of the ball, or passing it to his teammates.

He hollered even louder when they managed to score, just a few minutes into the next round. Some of them came over to give Xiaojun high fives, and he felt his heart hammer out of his chest from nervousness over having so many strangers around. “We’ll show them where their cockiness is getting them! Now, that they don’t even have a cheerleader, they’re dead meat!” someone yelled before slapping his hand against Xiaojun’s. It burnt a bit from the force he had used, but it had come from a place of euphoria, not the purpose of hurting him. He wasn’t even playing, yet they accredited some of their success to him. It felt amazing, happiness making him grin like an idiot despite the nervousness.

 

In the end, Chenle’s team won. Xiaojun was included in the celebration of their victory, and it was only a little scary to suddenly have lots of people hug and jump around him.

The team leader was swept off her feet and thrown in the air three times, screeching loudly. Xiaojun worried for her, but it was clear her teammates would never drop her, catching her safely each time she fell back down, only to throw her up again.

 

“You can join again any time, we always play on Mondays, sometimes Wednesdays!” She assured Chenle once she was back on her own feet and everyone packed up to leave. “Especially when you come to cheer. I want to do even better when there’s an audience.” She grinned at Xiaojun, who felt his face heat up a little.

“We could teach you if you want, so you can join as well. That way we can completely scrap Hyunjin off the team.” Another girl teased.

“Th-thank you.” Xiaojun bowed a little, feeling himself grow more and more excited the more nice words they found.

“But, obviously we also really appreciate having a cute cheerleader!” the team laughed and Xiaojun felt like if he could contribute in this way, where he knew what he was doing, it felt a lot safer for now and he felt so oddly appreciated for doing this passive part. It was even more meaningful to him because they were humans. They included him and respected his contribution, however small, but they also offered to teach him and make him become more than “just” someone on the side-lines.

These were the people it was worth going to protest for equal right for, they weren’t set in keeping Hybrids as toys on the side, they were willing to accept them into their middle – either because they already had what qualified them to be there, like Chenle, or through teaching them what had been kept from them until now, like Xiaojun.

 

“ _Urgh, I feel like a stinky moose.”_ Chenle aired out his jacket as they walked down the blocks back to Heaven.

_“The smell isn’t too bad.”_

_“How reassuring.”_

_“If you want, I can borrow you something to change into. Or you could shower before dinner?”_ Xiaojun suggested. Yukhei was out with his girlfriend and Taeyong had decided the three Hybrids could under no circumstances not be fed by him in such a dire situation. It was definitely in Xiaojun’s favour because it meant more time to spend with Chenle.

_“Something to change would probably be good. My shirt’s sticking to my back. Yuck!”_

Xiaojun nodded, happy to share his clothing. It was still not that much that he owned, but it was enough to be able to spare a few pieces without that leading to having to borrow from Yuta the next day. Not to mention, his closet was full of pieces he loved and thought were the best clothing that could be made – he was proud to share things like a fluffy hoodie.

_“Do you want to go play with them again in the future? I think they really liked you. Maybe even more than me – I know, it’s shocking.”_

_“Hey!”_ Xiaojun complained and poked Chenle’s waist, currently exposed to refresh himself.

The other squeaked and jumped away but started to laugh immediately after.

“ _I’d go again. I’m not sure about playing but watching was fun and they were all really welcoming. It felt good.”_

_“Perfect! But I just know they’d be really excited to teach you. I’m sure at least half of them made heart eyes your direction.”_

_“I didn’t see it.”_

_“Yeah, I’m not surprised, you don’t seem to be very perceptive to them.”_

_“What?”_ Xiaojun narrowed his eyes, but Chenle only laughed and slipped into the house, leaving Xiaojun outside for a moment, wondering who one earth would be giving him heart eyes?

 

Xiaojun tried to get Chenle to spill who he was talking about but didn’t get an answer from his friend, only more giggling.

Eventually, he gave up and focussed on choosing appropriate clothing.

90% of Xiaojun’s closet was just comfortable, big clothing. He had some stiffer, more serious pieces for occasions that might call for that, but he hardly ever wore them. No one had complained he wore sweatpants on a daily basis so far, and they were just so much nicer on the skin than jeans or slacks.

Chenle, on the other hand, usually dressed sophisticatedly – expensive materials from expensive brands. He even voluntarily wore button-downs. “ _I_ _feel like there’s nothing here you’d enjoy.”_

_“Don’t be silly, anything works, I’ll wear the Xiaojun-look with pride and I’ll make it look even better than you.”_

_“But…”_

_“Don’t stress, it’s just clothing, I only want to get out of this.”_ Chenle tugged on his t-shirt, the last thing he was still wearing after dropping everything else on the floor. Xiaojun would have to pick that up, but first, he pulled his second favourite hoodie and an undershirt from the closet to give to Chenle. He couldn’t bring himself to offer the very best one he owned. He knew it was a little selfish, but he just couldn’t bear it.

_“Is this okay?”_

There was no answer. It seemed like Chenle was lost in his own world, not looking at the clothing but down at the floor. He whispering something to himself, softly enough to be in-comprehendible to Xiaojun, then took an audible, deep breath and pulled his t-shirt over his head. Xiaojun watched as the article landed on the floor and internally sighed at the mess.

When he looked to see if Chenle had made up his mind over the choice of spare clothing, something else caught his attention. The white fabric didn’t even stand out that much on Chenle’s pale skin, but Xiaojun hadn’t expected it to be there, nor did he really understand what he was seeing.

The other must have noticed his blatant staring, and he quickly pulled the t-shirt over his chest, leaving nothing to look at for Xiaojun. He was still dumbfounded in confusion and surprise, but Chenle spoke first:

_“It’s, erm, it’s a compression sports bra. Works pretty well for binding, especially if you’re already flat chested like me. It’s also much better for breathing, which is always nice.”_ Chenle’s voice was a little shaky and so were his hands when he picked up the hoodie from where Xiaojun was still holding it, pulling it over his head next. _“Not suffocating. The real life, you know? Oxygen is really dope. Love that stuff.”_  The words he kept adding to his explanation made less sense by the second, sounding like they stemmed from pure nervousness. Xiaojun wanted to reassure him, but he didn’t know what to say.

_“You’re not going to be weird about it, right?”_ Now true worry, almost fear, was audible in Chenle’s voice, reflecting in his dark eyes as he looked up at Xiaojun. Usually, it was Xiaojun being a distrustful and suspicious person. He knew how that constant lingering expectation to be hurt had messed with his head and made him feel awful about everything, including himself.

He didn’t like seeing Chenle in the role. He hardly ever voiced much doubt of people’s good intentions and was so easy to trust. This was the first situation that was grave enough to even make Chenle pull up borders to keep himself safe. Xiaojun wanted to do the right thing – but what was the right thing?

_“I don’t… I don’t want to, uh, just… why?”_

_“Why? Well, since you said you wanted to go to a park I thought we might be running and I’d need to breathe. I didn’t think you’d have an issue with me quickly changing here since you share a bathroom and all.”_ Chenle fumbled with the hem of the sleeves, his voice still shaky.

_“No, I don’t have an issue.”_

_“Why are you looking like that then?”_ Chenle’s ears were tugged backwards, his eyes wide and shiny.

_“I’m not… just you… but you’re... I’m, uh, so…”_ Xiaojun looked for words, but he was still utterly confused and also scared to say the wrong thing. _“I don’t want to make it weird! I’m making it weird, aren’t I?”_  

He wished he was better educated, had gained more real-life experience, to know how to show his unconditional support and avoid hurting his friend. This was obviously extremely personal, but he was still confused with what exactly was going on in the first place. How was he to interpret what was clearly presented in front of his eyes but wouldn’t quite make sense?

Chenle seemed to realise Xiaojun was genuinely clueless. His face turned from fear to shock, and he clenched a fist over his chest. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, before finding his voice again. It was less shaky now, but held an edge to it when he said:

_“I’m transgender. I’m a guy, but at birth, I was assigned female. I was born in the wrong body. Well, not wrong body, I’m trying to not think of it like that because it’s my body and it deserves to be loved. More like… male brain, female body. It doesn’t fit what I know I’m inside and feel would represent me._

_“It’d be nice to change that, but… well, I’m a Hybrid, you know the deal. I just try to do whatever I can to make it feel more comfortable and more like me. It’s just a little hard to show it the love it deserves sometimes, and I get insecure. You would know, right? But yeah, that’s it. Don’t treat me any different because of it, I’m still me, I’m still just as much a boy as you thought before.”_

_“Okay.”_ Xiaojun nodded, feeling relief over the clarification and instruction. Of course, Chenle was still a boy if he said he was. It made perfect sense. Xiaojun honestly hadn’t known there were trans people, but that was just due to some lingering ignorance. He was glad to learn, but he was even more grateful that Chenle trusted him to know when it was a subject clearly private in nature.

_“Okay?”_ Chenle echoed, questioningly.

_“Absolutely!”_ If Xiaojun was being honest, seeing him as anything other than a boy was weird, even just in his head.

Chenle eyed him closely for another moment. The relief, Xiaojun felt over such a complicated thing maybe being quite simple in the core, was replaced with anger over how anyone would have hurt his friend because of this revelation to the point that he’d be this suspicious. It wasn’t in Chenle’s nature, it wasn’t in anyone’s nature, suspicions came from experience.

What was wrong with people? Chenle was offering such personal information and even a clear explanation as well as a wish to not be treated differently due to it. Why would anyone see the need to disrespect that? _“None of the others gave you trouble, right? If so, I will go and ask Taeil-Ge for approval to punch them.”_ Xiaojun grumbled, and Chenle’s eyes widened, then he shook his head.

_“No, no. I mean, I didn’t really tell any of them. Obviously, Yangyang and Jisung know. Yukhei-Ge,_ _that’s a no-brainer since he bought me before, when I was still forced to present female. But the others, I guess some of them would have realised. Most of them probably. I don’t normally address it. Honestly, I didn’t know you had genuinely not figured it out yet, so that’s why… shit, I just really don’t want to be treated differently and I know it usually happens after people find out._

_“Sorry, I’m suspicious over this, I really want to trust you won’t, but I kinda thought you had figured it out yourself and hadn’t asked or let me know you did because you didn’t care. That’d be dope, it’s the best when that happens. I just wanted to tell you because, well, we’re friends and I didn’t want to be ashamed of it and hide, but urgh… It’s a little flattering you didn’t notice. I’m not sure if I pass better or if it’s just because you’re you. I’m only not freaking out over further outing myself than I intended to because you’re… you.”_

Chenle chuckled nervously, _“I really hope you’ll do how I believe will, and just carry on as normal. But_ _you don’t have to punch any of the others. I can take care of that myself if needed. My… my worry is…”_ Chenle bit his lip, before continuing on, “ _even those who don’t mean to, often subconsciously treat me differently when they find out. It’s hard to call out and hard to pinpoint, but it’s uncomfortable to realise they don’t really see me as a man, even if they won’t misgender me._

_“I don’t want special treatment, I don’t want to be protected how you’d do with a girl, or given extra privileges or anything. So I was apprehensive in talking about it, and that’s why never went out of my way to let you know, and I’m rambling like an idiot. I’m scared. I want to be totally best friends but I can’t be that if you think of me as a second class man or refer to me as a girl in your head – because I’m not one. And I can always tell when people do that and I’m terrified you will and we can’t be totally best friends anymore.”_

“ _No! No, I-I don’t… no, Chenle, of course, you’re a man to me, not a secondary or anything!”_ Xiaojun didn’t know how to make Chenle believe him that it hadn’t even crossed his mind, that he hadn’t hesitated because he found it weird, but just not understood.

All he had right now, were words. _“I really just wasn’t sure because I didn’t know about being transgender. As long as you’re Chenle and say you’re a boy, it to me really doesn’t matter what someone else thinks you are. You’re the one in control of your life and everything it includes, and I respect that. I want to treat you just as always. I really want to be totally best friends.”_

_“Yeah? And you’re, not, like, uh, angry I didn’t tell you?”_

Xiaojun shook his head, suddenly feeling like caught red-handed _“There are some things I don’t… really know how to tell you either. I want to but I don’t feel ready.”_

_“Yeah, I get that. You don’t have to, okay? We can still be totally best friends and have privacy. There’s no requirement to suddenly reveal all your deepest inner struggles and every detail of your life, that’d probably be way too much information.”_

Xiaojun felt tears well up immediately and nodded, sniffing loudly. So, they really would be totally best friends?

Chenle laughed, but he sniffed just as much when he hugged Xiaojun. It felt like always and didn’t at the same time. It felt like… more.

The stress of being trusted with something extremely personal, having to prove his integrity, and seeing his usually bright and happy friend open up about his fears, really had gotten to him. Xiaojun had never realised how little there was to make someone believe he’d keep his word. Until now, it had been the other way around, it had always been Xiaojun that needed the extra proof.

Maybe, from here on, Chenle would need extra proof, too, to really be reassured Xiaojun wasn’t going to make it weird. That was okay, he didn’t even have to do anything other than carrying on as normal, it would be easy to do that. Xiaojun wanted to do that for him!

The title totally best friends was like the new level in Mario. A new level meant there suddenly were more possibilities, but it was also still unfamiliar, and they’d maybe need a bit of time and experience to get used to it before the gameplay became easy and natural.

The first level had been Chenle being the one that had to work harder to get through the walls Xiaojun had built up and Xiaojun had had to remind himself Chenle was safe. Chenle had proved himself worthy of being trusted time and time again.

The second level was a change of roles. Xiaojun would have to show Chenle he was going to keep his word and deserved being his totally best friend.

Xiaojun didn’t hesitate a second in knowing they’d figure it out. He was more than willing to take a new part and return the work that others hand put into getting him where he was now.

He squeezed the other a little tighter, to let Chenle know he could rely on him, and Chenle squeezed back, saying more than words could.

 

When they finally both had calmed down and came to the kitchen for cooking duty, which Chenle had been roped into by Xiaojun, Taeyong looked at them with wide eyes, before asking what had happened: If someone had been mean at the park, if they needed cool-packs for their eyes, or if he needed to call someone’s mum to make her scold her child.

“We only decided to become totally best friends, Hyung, don’t worry,” Xiaojun announced, then pulled up his sleeves and turned the water on to clean the bell peppers, missing Taeyong’s worry melt into utter confusion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few quick words on this chapter. Again, I did a lot of research for this and Fullsunhyuckie helped me with putting everything into words well. On one hand, I’m super glad I good feedback I so far was able to do Chenle’s character justice, on the other I’m now even more worried to mess anything up. Again, if you feel I misrepresented something, please, let me know I’m all ears.
> 
> Now, why did I even write this scene, to begin with? I don’t think you have to come out to people, like, it’s literally no one’s business, but you can choose to do so. There’s no reason to hide any side of yourself or pretend to be something you’re not. Especially if that means skirting around daily tasks you’d rather just do or address. I know it’s a fine line of me saying I don’t want to reduce Chenle to just “being trans”, but I also don’t want to ignore it. It’s really hard for me to put this into words bc I don’t want anyone to misunderstand and I really hope you can see where I’m coming from. ;;;
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a disclaimer: I know courts and the law don’t actually work how they do in this AU, however, for the sake of the plot and the drama I will choose to ignore the inconvenience of real-life and just do whatever I want. 
> 
>  
> 
> [He’s so tiny lol](https://66.media.tumblr.com/9a1c45ab9515c69b1c9ff006aea3f531/tumblr_pvx7274FdM1v6bamko1_540.jpg)

If Chenle was brave enough to change his clothing around Xiaojun, despite having made bad experiences and people treat him as less because of it, Xiaojun felt like he should gain strength from that and dare face his own reflection.

He had stared at it for years when he had still been with his breeder. He knew how his jaw turned, how his eyes were angled, how the hair in his eyebrows grew – or, well, he used to know all this.

What if it wasn’t like that anymore? What if there was more? Things he hadn’t realised had happened to his face?

He shook his head, a few drops of water flying.

If so, the marks would only serve to show his experience in life. He was still cute and handsome to enough people, and he had so much more to offer. He had great luck with rock-paper-scissors, he was good at geography, he could sing well. His looks weren’t determinants of his worth.

He took a deep breath and tried to focus on the sound of water splashing where Kun was currently in the bathtub. It wasn’t something he’d usually listen to in order to calm himself, but water wasn’t even that scary. He had given it way too much credit. Just how he gave the scars way too much credit, and his breeder’s superficial words regarding his value.

No more of that! Only Xiaojun was the one having any say and control in his life!

He grabbed the small towel around his shoulders, which was keeping his fluffy pyjama safe from his over-long hair dripping, and stepped in front of the sink where he’d usually avoid standing. Kun was humming the melody of Defying Gravity, and Xiaojun allowed himself to follow along for a moment. Kun was often humming a song, and Xiaojun started to recognise more and more of them. It sounded much calmer when it was only his humming instead of a whole cast and orchestra, but it still had the message hidden in the soft tones.

Kun wasn’t looking his direction, not realising how much he needed to hear this right now. Or maybe he did. He always knew of his problems, he was always there to help and step in.

Whatever it was, it allowed Xiaojun to find the strength he needed.

It’d be fine. He had this under control!

Before he could change his mind and let fear overrule him, he lifted his head and focussed on the person in the mirror.

His hair had grown out longer than he remembered it ever being, falling over his head like wet pasta. The white spot was exactly where he remembered it to be – obviously, where should it have gone to? It was a little silly, but however obvious it should be, it helped Xiaojun find reassurance and more determination to keep going.

His eyes were the same bright blue with an almost purple undertone they always had been, standing out from underneath dark lashes. His nose was straight and his cupid’s bow dipped just as deep as it always had. His jawline was maybe a little softer, but Xiaojun probably sat at a higher weight than his breeder had let him get to because he was allowed to eat how he wanted to.

He looked just the same as he always had if he let his hair stick to his forehead, hiding everything from the eyes up.

It was a relief. It was nice to know he still looked like himself. However, even as he confirmed that everything was how it had been, he felt like it wasn’t as important and as satisfying as it would have been not long ago. He still had good looks, but they weren’t all he had anymore – apparently, that thought had finally stuck somewhere in his brain.

Filled with new courage, Xiaojun reached up. His hair was still wet but no longer dripping. The strands were cold under his fingers and he hesitated for a moment. He could just stop now, do more tomorrow…

But now that he had already done this well, he wanted to keep going. Maybe it was all not as bad as he had thought? With a quick stroke, he pushed his hair back with both hands, revealing his whole face.

His brows were the same light grey as his hair, just as thick as ever, framing his eyes.

His breath caught in his throat when he saw the angry red line that stretched from the arch of one of them, diagonally across to his hairline.

He tried to keep calm, but his chest suddenly felt tight.

It was worse than he had expected it to be.

All the thoughts, over how his face wasn’t that important, lost their power. The realisation how prominent and daunting the cut looked was stronger than them.

The scars on his arms were fading from pink to white already. This was nowhere near that yet.

He forced himself to take a few deep breaths, focussing on something not terrible, something familiar. His ears. They had a dark line around them, completely unblemished and exactly how they had always been. He moved one just how far it would and his chest already felt a lot more normal, his lungs opened for air to stream in freely again.

Xiaojun’s eyes wandered back to the scar.

If he looked closer, he saw that there were no marks of stitches and how that made it smaller than it would have been if Taeil had sewn it. The very edges were already much lighter, too, blending a bit into the rest of his skin. Yeah, actually, it wasn’t even that terrible! It was a very straight line, looking like someone had drawn it with a ruler. It wasn’t that bad!

However much Xiaojun told himself these things, true relief wouldn’t set in. He couldn’t fully believe himself and these reassurances.

“ _Hey.”_ Kun softly said and gently put a hand on where Xiaojun was still holding onto his hair. He hadn’t noticed he had finished his bath, but he must have some time ago because he was already dressed, standing just a bit taller than Xiaojun himself, his hair wetter than Xiaojun’s own.

He let Kun take his hand and the hair immediately fell over half of his face, covering the scar underneath it. He could see a bit of red peeking through because his hair was sticky and wet, clumping into thicker strands that left room between each other, and he now knew exactly where to look.

The other hand dropped easier, falling down limply on the side where no Kun was.

“ _It’s… it’s pretty bad, isn’t it?”_ Xiaojun muttered. He wanted to say it wasn’t, but that’d be a lie. He hated lying.

_“It’s visible. That’s not the same thing as bad. ‘Bad’ is just your judging.”_

_“I know.”_ Xiaojun whispered, “ _I should say positive things, right?”_

_“You don’t have to. If you can’t view it positively, maybe use a descriptive, neutral word instead.”_

Xiaojun nodded. Visible, then.

Kun picked up the hairdryer where Guanheng had earlier left it and turned it on, starting to brush through the black and orange strands of his hair, while Xiaojun still mulled the words over. He glanced at the mirror again. He hadn’t realised how weird it’d be. Of course, he knew his face, but he hadn’t seen himself in nearly three months. The tiniest changes stuck out to him. Overall, ignoring the scar, those changes weren’t bad ones, though.

His face looked softer and more relaxed. It matched what he felt inside. He was more relaxed, and happier, so, so much happier.

He glanced over to where Kun was working around his left ear. He had never realised the colour contrast between the two of them. Never having seen it right in front of him, it hadn’t even crossed his mind how big it would be.

Where Kun was all bold, rich, warm colours with strong accents of black, Xiaojun was all about pastel and gentle tones, with soft transitions to darker shades, but never pure, strong black.

They wouldn’t match the same colours in clothing, Xiaojun was quite sure. Johnny had explained how he had a cold undertone and thus fit cold tones in clothes, while Kun surely had a warm one – that meant they’d compliment each other. He wasn’t sure why, but for some reason, it felt relevant that they’d make perfect puzzle pieces visually.

Quite unbiddenly, his heart picked up pace and Xiaojun looked down himself, trying to glare at the organ in order to make it calm down.

Really, one would think he actually did have a crush!

“ _Do you want me to dry your hair?”_

Xiaojun nearly leapt out of his skin but managed to hold the hiss and nod instead, sitting down quietly because his heart was in his throat. Kun’s hands were gentle as always, scratching just past his ears.

Maybe, he should research the whole crush-thing again. He might have made a mistake in how to identify it. That his skin felt like it was set aflame while the blow dryer was set on cold definitely wasn’t normal. And it definitely was because of Kun.

 

On Wednesday, Xiaojun was still undecided whether or not one could have a crush without any real sexual attraction, only would-like-to-cuddle-and-kiss-attraction.

The internet was rather unhelpful. Asking Jeno or Jaemin was out of the question, both turned into useless giggling messes the second it got to the topic of love. When he tried to sneakily ask Taeyong, the older worriedly asked if he needed to see Taeil about it. Ten said that if he felt like it was allergy season and a heart attack in one, then it probably was a crush, and proceeded to want to know who the lucky other party involved was.

Xiaojun had to research what allergy season felt like, but he neither had to cough, nor sneeze, so it still made no sense, and he really didn’t want to tell anyone it was Kun when he wasn’t even sure yet.

Apparently, Yuta had a crush on someone. Xiaojun wasn’t sure on whom because everyone seemed to magically know and didn’t drop names and Xiaojun hadn’t dared inquire when it was apparently so obvious. It seemed like asking him was the last resort after everyone else had been unhelpful. Jaehyun also had previously compared Kun to Yuta, so that seemed like a good enough connection to justify giving it one last chance before just giving up and deciding it was just a very strong case of wanting to be friends.

Then again, he also really wanted to be friends with Chenle, but even the idea of kissing him made him feel all sorts of weird. That was just… no. Chenle was cute and wonderful, but kissing him? No.

Kun, on the other hand…

His plan to catch Yuta right before he went to work got ruined when Taeil clapped his hands during breakfast, asking for quiet on the table.

“I’ll try and make it quick, but this is important and I want all of you to know. The police already concluded their investigations and provided the report last night. I got a call from lawyer Wu early in the morning, he and his team worked their way through it all night.”

Xiaojun held his breath as he listened. He didn’t want to hope the police had found anything, or done anything. He’d only be disappointed. He knew they’d be bribed with any means necessary.

Maybe they hadn’t accepted? Maybe they had actually done something and found incriminating evidence?

“Detective Kim had a total of 32 Hybris confiscated, six of which were dog Hybrids kept as guards, the others cats and bunnies. The place is momentarily closed, however, no official judgement has been made yet. The court needs to decide if they’ll be prosecuted for the mistreatment of Hybrids they didn’t legally own, and, if so, if we can press for charges for both emotional and physical, or only physical abuse. In every case, there are 24 cases of fraud, possibly theft, that’ll be handled similarly to those of Mr Kwon. The other Hybrids were legally owned by them and will only stay in police custody until they are ruled guilty or not.”

“What? They’ll have to go back if they’re ruled not guilty?” Ten gasped, jumping off his chair. Xiaojun felt like he was going to throw up.

“In theory, yes, they do. Not all of them are involved with fraud heavily enough to be sent to prison on that only, the Hybrids would be returned to those released. That’s the law. The good news is: the Hybrid Rights Organisation got involved, the other 24 Hybrids need places to stay. Right now, they’re at the Seoul National Hybrid Clinic, but most of them aren’t in need of in-house therapy and should be able to stay somewhere safe and find a suitable home quickly. The Organisation will be able to provide both.”

“Hyung, they… they can’t make them go back. Is there anything I… we could do, to make the court accept as many charges as possible?” Ten asked, his voice pressed.

Xiaojun still felt sick at the idea of being in any of the others’ place – getting away, only to be returned. It had been his worst nightmare for so long. Sure, there were those he used to despise for betraying him among them, but in the grand scheme, he couldn’t imagine any resentment strong enough to wish this fate onto them. He actually didn’t feel much resentment anymore at all. It had been the circumstances forcing them into that behaviour – those were to blame!

“Ten, I promise, we’re doing our most, you know the lawyer team is working all the hours they can.”

“Can we at least come? The more people there are, the more the press will be interested. At least they’d be exposed!” Ten continued on.

“Well, I mean…” Taeil looked around.

“I was going to go anyway. I have the day off.” Jaehyun announced.

“I need an urgent vacation, Hyung. I’ve not taken a single day of them. I need to relax from the stressful work and go to court.” Yuta chimed in.

“Vacation? You?”

“Yeah, obviously.” Yuta nodded and Taeil blinked, looking mildly disturbed.

Xiaojun looked at Kun, who was biting his lower lip. The Bengalese glanced at Xiaojun and when he noticed Xiaojun was already looking at him, he whipped his head around, “Me, too, Hyung. I need to go as well.”

“You?” Taeil’s eyebrows rose like he wasn’t believing what was happening to him, and Kun narrowed his eyes.

“Yes.”

“Right. Well, I’ll ask Jungwoo if he could work with Seulgi-sshi only. If only for a day… well, it has been very crowded recently… maybe I’ll ask my mother to at least cover reception… ah, they’ll have my head. Anyway. Of course, you can all go.”

Immediately, the table broke into loud chattering and wild planning over how to attract more people. Guanheng mentioned asking Yukhei, while Jeno suggested Mark.

Xiaojun didn’t know any other people. He’d ask Chenle. To him personally, if everyone from Heaven was going to come would already be more than enough.

Kun was nibbling on his chopsticks, and Xiaojun couldn’t help ask what was behind all the talks about him never leaving normally. His memories of the situation on Sunday in the park were suddenly very present and it seemed to tie together.

_“Ge, don’t you like outside?”_

_“What?”_ Kun let go of his chopsticks in surprise.

_“You don’t seem to go much, you didn’t really like being between people on Sunday.”_

_“Ah.”_ Kun turned his head, obviously avoiding Xiaojun’s eyes now. He wondered if he had been too brash, but he wanted to know. If it was anything regarding Kun, Xiaojun would be curious about it, even if it was something maybe not as pleasant. After all, Kun was the first one to sense his problems and help him out, too!

 _“I don’t mind outside. Not such a big fan of people, especially masses of them. It’ll be fine, this is obviously important.”_ Kun smiled and Xiaojun didn’t dare dig deeper when he didn’t give more information.

It was clear this wasn’t all there was to it. It was just as clear that Kun didn’t want to talk about it.

Xiaojun had to respect that, even if this was Kun he was talking about.

 

Kun wasn’t the only person struggling with going outside.

While Doyoung explained percentage-calculation to Xiaojun, Sicheng kept marching up and down between the sofa and the kitchen.

While Xiaojun cleaned the window stills, Taeyong kept mumbling to himself, brows furrowed.

Maybe it had never before been this obvious, or maybe Xiaojun had still been so busy having uncountable problems himself, but today, more than any day, he realised that he really wasn’t the only person struggling with something.

He hadn’t been able to see it before when he had felt so isolated and closed off, sure he’d never fit in, but this really was the place where everyone that had been lost before would find a home, and there was something relatable in every other member of the family.

 

However, that he’d be the one anyone (in their right mind) would come to, to ask for advice, was another level entirely.

_“Xiaojun? I need to ask you something about the court hearing tomorrow. I need your insight.”_

He stared up at the perfectly beautiful, seemingly cold, face with the blackest eyes, framed by white hair. He swallowed.

_“M-My? Insight?”_

_“Yeah.”_ Sicheng dropped himself on the sofa next to Xiaojun’s “100 most beautiful old Korean poems”. “ _I know you’ll give me the truth, even if it’s brutal.”_

_“I wouldn’t…”_

_“It’s not something bad. I really need the unmasked truth. Would I be a terrible person and a hypocrite for not going? Tomorrow?”_ Sicheng didn’t look his direction, but Xiaojun could feel the nervousness radiate off him.

He’d really like to say it’d be no problem. It’d be totally fine to not when this was the only chance to do something. He wanted to tell Kun the same thing.

It’d be a lie if he did.

It was their only real chance, and this was important, very, very important. Not only for himself, but also for Ten, for the other Hybrids that had been kept there, for those currently in custody, even more for those that’d be returned to the monsters if they weren’t ruled guilty.

“ _I don’t want to go. I’m terrified to see them again. Especially my handler, I feel sick just thinking there’s a chance I’ll have to, even if it’s from a distance. I don’t like meeting new people, especially humans, they easily scare me. There’ll probably be humans who’ll give me nasty glares again for no reason, and there’ll be those who see me as a walking toy. I’m scared to slip up and bite someone, or undo some of the progress I was able to make so far.”_

Sicheng sunk deeper into the sofa, like every of Xiaojun’s words hit dead on.

_“But if I don’t go and the judge says there’s no reason to consider emotional or physical abuse, those they took from the monsters will have to return, and they’ll just go back to business as usual. I’d not be able to forgive myself for not trying the only thing there was for me to do.”_

_“They might still say that even if we go.”_

_“Yeah.”_ Xiaojun swallowed, not wanting to think they’d actually be that cruel, “ _But at least I tried to get the public’s attention and not let them just go back to their dirty business. I don’t think you’d be a terrible person if you don’t go. If it’s too much, it’s too much, you need to remember yourself first. That being said, it would mean a lot to me if you did._

_“Regardless of whether they decide in Taeil-Ge’s favour or not, at least we showed them our strength, right? If we all go together, it’ll be less scary. We’d have each other to rely on. It’d be easier to ignore nasty glares, no one would dare make dirty suggestions if there’s a lot of others protecting us, and it’d be more likely someone actually will listen.”_

_“I didn’t see it like that, that there’d be strength in everyone going. I only thought about myself, you, and Ten. We’re the only ones coming from such a place, but of course, the others will be there, too. They’re our family, right?”_

Xiaojun’s family… right. They were. It didn’t matter where they had come from, it didn’t matter it was just him, Ten, and, apparently, Sicheng coming from a brothel, here they were family and here the others would go and stick up like they had come from a brothel as well even if they hadn’t.

_“Yeah.”_

Sicheng smiled and nodded at Xiaojun’s confirmation.

“ _I wish nothing more than for your handlers to go behind bars forever, both yours and Ten’s. I never imagined that possible, but if it’d really happen, maybe one day mine will, too.”_ Sicheng’s hand went up and soothed over his neck.

_“I hope they will. I hope they all will. So no one will have to be owned by monsters anymore. Maybe, one day, all owners could be like Taeil-Ge.”_

_“Yeah. Or maybe one day we don’t need owners for Hybrids anymore.”_

_“Do you think that’d be possible? Where would we go then?”_

_“Just become normal citizens. Jaemin grew up with his parents, at least for the first few years. There’s no need for breeders, the whole pure breed idea isn’t really sustainable anyway. I know, it’s not realistic it’ll happen anytime soon. Maybe one day, when we’re old or something.”_ Sicheng chuckled.

Xiaojun liked the idea. Not because he wanted to leave Taeil – not at all – but because it’d mean he could choose to live with him. And being able to choose things was pretty dope, actually.

Sicheng was still lost in thought, his eyebrows still furrowed, and Xiaojun butted his head against his arm, trying to show him some affection.

He got it was fucking scary to go. He didn’t know what Sicheng was scared of in particular, but whatever it was, there was a good reason for him not wanting to step outside. It’d only be even more meaningful if he managed to overcome that, at least to Xiaojun. And if he didn’t, that’d be okay, too.

Xiaojun still hoped he would.

Every single person going meant a little more attention, and a little more chance there’d be consequences for the monsters – if not legal, at least in reputation because people were talking about them and their dirty work.

Sicheng realised his offer for cuddling and absentmindedly wrapped an arm around Xiaojun, but his other hand kept rubbing over his neck. He seemingly didn’t even realise it, though the skin was starting to turn red. Xiaojun pushed a little more. Sicheng toppled over with a surprised noise.

Like this, Xiaojun could lie down on top of him and stop him from aggravating his neck. As a replacement for the rubbing, he pressed his head against it, knowing the fur of his ears would feel soft and silky.

 _“You’re a little bit of a cuddle monster, aren’t you?”_ Sicheng softly chuckled, rubbing over his back.

 _“Maybe.”_ Xiaojun found Sicheng was actually rather comfortable to lie on. Not as good as Kun, obviously, but almost. Xiaojun had underestimated the benefit of Sicheng’ height.

 _“If we turn a little, I’ll not be squeezed into a pajeon, if that’d work for you?”_ Sicheng asked, sounding a little breathless now.

Xiaojun sighed deeply but squirmed around until they were both on their sides.

 

By the time Yuta came back from work and found them on the sofa, they were a pile tight enough it wasn’t clear anymore where Xiaojun ended and Sicheng started.

To say Xiaojun was nervous, the next morning, would have been a crass understatement.

He had been nervous a lot all his life, but he kept forgetting how miserable it was. Today was definitely awful!

“Think of it as a fun trip to the park in front of the court, rather than anything else. Most likely, 90% of the day will be boring as hell anyway.” Yuta suggested, patting Xiaojun’s back where he was doubled over on the edge of his bed, feeling too nauseous to get up.

At first, it had been Kun trying to soothe him, but nothing would quite work. The nerves were just too bad, everything seemed to turn the second he so much as looked up, and he felt like throwing up. Now, Yuta was back from his shower and had taken Kun’s place. Xiaojun felt a bit bad for wasting his time, but he needed the support and appreciated getting it without even having to ask for it.

“Park sounds nice.” He managed to squeak out but the reassurance didn’t quite work to genuinely make him feel better.

“See? Just think of the park, don’t pay anything else any attention. Oh, did you know it’s valentine’s day in two weeks? On the 14th!”

“Who’s Valentine?” Xiaojun raised his head a little but immediately regretted it when the nausea got worse and looked back down.

“Some dude who wedded people that were denied the ceremony. He became the patron of love, so, it’s the day of love. It’s also Jaehyun’s birthday, which we all agreed fits really well for someone as sweet as him. I know for sure Taeil-Hyung will be going on a fancy date with Jungwoo-Hyung because we organised that for them. They’d never go without a push in the right direction. The most fun part is where you give chocolate to the person you like.”

“People I like, like friends, or like, like having a crush?” Xiaojun asked the floor under his duckling-socks.

“Usually, the latter. You could give chocolate to friends, but it’s easy to misunderstand that as a confession of love.”

Xiaojun felt his heart make a summersault in his chest, for reasons very other than having to go to the park of the court where the monster and strangers would be. He even managed to look up now.

“Right, uh, do you have someone you like?”

“Me?” Yuta gasped like the question was downright scandalous. Xiaojun shrunk back on the bed, but instead of pointing out how stupid he had to be for not knowing, Yuta broke into a dopey grin, his eyes glassing over a little, “Sure do. I like Sicheng!”

Xiaojun felt like someone had pulled a switch in his head to light up a sign reading ‘Congrats for being the densest fool in all of Seoul’.

Of course!

How could he have not made that connection?

Well, maybe because Yuta and Sicheng’s relationship looked a lot like a really good friendship. They’d watch Anime together in Sicheng’s bed, they’d curl up and have private conversations, and when scared, Sicheng automatically was pulled to Yuta – if he was around - knowing he’d keep him safe.

That was pretty similar to what Xiaojun did around Kun.

He just didn’t have a crush on Kun.

Wait, or did he?

 

Because it was Doyoung’s birthday, they had cake for breakfast and Xiaojun sang him a small song he had come up with.

It served as a distraction from the ever-lasting question of the crush-situation and the court. He also felt pride in showing off his songwriting abilities. To him, it came naturally and it hadn’t stood out as anything special or worth noting. Since realising it was a unique talent, he was somewhat eager to improve it to become even better.

 

Xiaojun was still undecided if he had a crush or not two hours later when their small party neared the square in front of the court.

It was the meeting point for the Hybrid Rights organisation, the perfect place to make their voice heard and be associated with the trial going on. He had dressed extra-warm, to the point where it was too warm right now. He knew, eventually, the cold would start creeping through layers of fabric, so it’d be fine later.

However, where they had expected maybe a maximum of 50 people, at least 500 were waiting, loud chatter filling the air. It wasn’t overcrowded, the square and park combined easily fit thousands, but it was definitely impressive. Much more impressive and attention-worthy than having 50 people.

The question was:

“Where are all these humans from?” Jeno muttered, looking genuinely surprised in a pleasant way.

They moved past those lingering on the edge, close to the street, to get to the small stand set up closer to the entrance, where Renjun looked up from stacking flyers.

“Guys! Look how many people came!” he gasped like it wasn’t already obvious.

“I know, but where are they from?” Guanheng asked.

Renjun nodded to the left. Xiaojun followed the line of sight and his eyes landed on the absurdly tall figure of Yukhei, chatting with Mark.

Chenle came from somewhere and jumped onto Xiaojun’s back, his tail wagging against Xiaojun’s leg.

“ _Good morning!”_

Xiaojun nearly toppled over, neither prepared, nor strong enough to support Chenle for more than maybe two seconds, but Jaehyun noticed and caught his arm, keeping him upright until his friend was back on his own two feet.

“Be careful, you two.” He sighed.

“Sorry, I forgot you were a scrawny beanpole. No offence.” Chenle patted Xiaojun’s arm.

“I am offended,” Xiaojun whined though he wasn’t really. It was just bantering and he was still getting used to how it worked, but it was sort of entertaining.

Jaehyun was definitely holding his breath, but Chenle laughed louder until Xiaojun dropped the pout.

He realised the others had crowded together and were inspecting the flyers. Taeil had left, but Yukhei and Mark had joined.

“So, did either of you spread the message? Or where do all these people come from?” Jeno asked, looking between the two humans.

“I tried, but most said they couldn’t skip school for protesting. Sorry.” Mark shrugged.

“Oh, I did. I just asked a few of my closest friends and most of them showed up. Some even brought others.” Yukhei shrugged.

Xiaojun glanced around.

Some.

Of his closest.

Friends?

“Hyung, you’re sure popular!” Donghyuck acknowledged.

“Obviously.” Yukhei grinned. It was technically boasting, but from how he said it, it just came off as… well, a natural thing to be.

Whatever the case, it seemed about 80% of the people were here because of Yukhei inviting them. It was thanks to him they’d possibly get more attention due to the sheer mass of people around.

Xiaojun still wasn’t too sure about Yukhei. Well, he was quite sure, but sometimes he still had doubts creeping up. It was just this carefree and loud personality that he didn’t quite understand and couldn’t quite make sense of. The worry that the money might have corrupted a good heart and made him cruel inside was still not fully dispelled.

Seeing this, Xiaojun felt like his thinking was scandalously ridiculous.

Chenle had been with Yukhei for years now and adored him. If there were a heartless person underneath, that would have never happened. Chenle was very much able to tell if someone was genuinely good or just faking it. Even if he wasn’t distrustful, he wasn’t naïve  – Xiaojun knew that after Monday more than ever.

Yukhei had just casually helped him, and Ten, and everyone else, like it was nothing. Clearly an example of being nice for niceness sake – there was nothing else to gain.

At least not for Yukhei.

For Xiaojun, there was a lot to gain.

 **“Yukhei-Go?”** Xiaojun tugged on Yukhei’s sleeve before he could saunter off and start talking to other people, how he clearly was planning to do after grabbing a few flyers.

**“Hey, what’s it, Fluff Ball?”**

**“My-my name is Xiaojun.”**

**“I know. Do you not like Fluff Ball? It’s so cute because you’re so fluffy inside and out!”**

**“Inside?”**

**“Yeah, your personality is fluffy. Well. Mostly. You do have some interesting choice words for Henni.”**

**“I… I just prefer being called Xiaojun.”**

**“Oh. Oh, that’s embarrassing. Sorry then, Flu- I mean, Xiaojun. Promise it was just meant as a compliment.”**

**“Y-yeah, that’s okay, uh, thank you for respecting that. I… I also wanted to really, really thank you for telling so many people.”**

**“Dude, don’t stress, that’s a matter of course. I know how this shit works. I mean, not really the best at boycotting the system by buying three Hybrids, but I know there’s some deep-rooted issues and since Renjun explained some to me, I promised to not feed the system another cent of my mother’s hard-earned money.”**

**“It’d be nice if all people thought like you, but they don’t. So, it really means a lot.”**

**“Ah, I’ll get teary-eyed over so much praise, and I love praising myself. Let’s hope the judge isn’t a cold-hearted and people-hating idiot and will do what’s right.”**

**“Yeah, I hope so, too.”**

Yukhei gave him thumbs up, before disappearing to talk to some of the people he had invited, and Xiaojun stared after him for another moment. He had just… gone and said it. And Yukhei had apologised and accepted it!

He wanted to go and thank Yukhei all over, for being a good person and reassuring his faith in a future where Hybrids would be accepted as equals.

It’d probably be a bit of an overkill, though, so, he turned back to where everyone else was and squeezed between the other Hybrids.

 

It quickly turned out Yuta had been right. The interesting part, which was witnesses, staff, lawyers, and jury arriving without much fuzz and completely unnoticed by Xiaojun because he had zero interest in seeing the monsters, was over soon, and then it was just a calm morning.

Xiaojun lingered around the table with the flyers, where some of the others also had decided to camp out. Taeyong had brought blankets and tea, and it looked ridiculously out of place, but also quite comfortable.

Everyone working for or with the organisation was walking around, talking to strangers that either were just walking past or came specifically to ask questions. Xiaojun was sure he didn’t want to talk to random, strange humans, so he was glad there were others voluntarily doing that job for him.

Reports did start showing up around noon, starting to take pictures and notes, and Xiaojun was relatively satisfied to see that. He couldn’t influence the rule of the jury, though it obviously was even more important, but this had been the goal and it felt like it was reasonably well met.

 

They got lunch at a small restaurant, warming up for the afternoon.

 

Xiaojun didn’t return to sitting around with the others after. It was getting a bit boring at this point. If it at least were warm and sunny, but it was cold as per usual, and the sky looked ready to open up and drench them all any moment.

Instead, he joined Chenle and Jisung, who walked around and talked to the many friends of Yukhei, which often seemed to know them and gave smiles and pats.

Xiaojun wasn’t eager to meet new people, but it was like the perfect challenge. Everyone here would be nice to Hybrids, right? Since they were protesting for their cause? He wouldn’t find a crowd with better intentions! So, he introduced himself whenever given the chance.

Some were curious to hear more about him. Some wanted to know about where he came from, what he did, and they’d even ask about his studies when he mentioned them. He liked those.

Others asked about his breed or guessed it. It wasn’t downright bad or anything, but Xiaojun hadn’t thought about it anymore in a long time.

He knew certain breeds were sold to a different clientele. Every Hybrid knew that because every Hybrid was brought up in the knowledge they’d be sold eventually and their selling-price would be the most important thing about them.

Especially the fancier ones, like himself, mainly found buyers among the wealthier part of society. Those willing to put the few hundred thousand on the table and prided themselves in an expensive collection – sometimes not even for sex, just to show off. It used to be a point he had been proud of, long, long ago, before he had been sold and had still thought himself higher just because there was a certain name of the breeders’ union in his passport.

That he was anything better was an idea he had long abandoned. When he started getting scars, he had turned the thinking around into using it against himself. Fully abandoning the idea it might have an impact on his worth was still something new.

He didn’t like that it seemed to be reintroduced now – even though it was in the original way where he benefitted from it. Their comments were impressed, they knew the price range Xiaojun had once been sold at. It just didn’t make him feel special anymore.

He didn’t want to be better just because of something he had been born with – he wanted to be equal, or better because of a skill he had. Between the others, breeds hadn’t ever really been discussed – it was just another superficial thing that shouldn’t make a difference.

Of course, in the real world, things worked differently. It was just how when he had first come, he had only focussed on the fact that Kun was a Bengalese, Guanheng had less desirable yellow eyes, and Sicheng’s voice was too low for what humans liked. All dumb things someone had decided they needed to live up to without a real reason and without any way for them to influence it – you were either born with yellow eyes or without.

While everyone here seemed to be positive and willing to change, there clearly were some deep-rooted problems in their mindset they might not even be aware of.

It wasn’t really the first thing to address, there were bigger fish to fry. So, Xiaojun just patiently explained where the name Ragdoll came from, when their genes had first been put into Hybrids in China, and rattled down a pedigree that was burnt into his memory despite never having met any of the people he descended from personally.

Well, his mum, until he was 11 months old. So, that hardly counted.

 

“I’m sorry, but if I hear RHFCI one more time I will scream. All this talk about breeding standards is freaking boring! Next thing I know they ask for my selling-grades, kill me now. Here, want a lemon?” Jisung complained, as they left a group of giggly girls behind, and held one Xiaojun’s direction he had produced from god knew where.

“A lemon?”

“Yeah, they have super many vitamins and I need to grow another 12 centimetres ASAP to keep my promise to grow to 1.80. Yukhei-Hyung said I’d need to eat more vegetables if I wanted to become as tall as him, but ew, yuck. Luckily, Kun-Hyung said fruits work too, still pretty gross, but these are okay.”

“Er, okay? Kun-Hyung suggested eating lemons?” Xiaojun was confused. He had never heard anyone suggest lemons to grow taller. He had generally never heard anyone suggest eating raw lemons.

“Not really, I just asked him for a replacement for vegetables. He’s super knowledgeable with food, like calories and macros, he knows everything. So, I tried a few things high in vitamins, which is the important part he said, and I liked them, so…”

“He only eats them because people give them these shocked looks when he bites into them.” Chenle teased, “Like you are doing right now.”

“Do not. I really like them. I can’t help you have a weak tongue – at least you were able to reach ultrasound with your screeching, technically I helped you.”

“You little brat!”

The lemon flew as Chenle took Jisung down, and Xiaojun easily caught it, watching the white Hybrids roll over the ground. The grass was wet and dirt stuck to their clothing, but neither seemed bothered by mundane issues such as personal hygiene and laundry.

He had never considered eating a lemon. It was a great addition to some foods, to add favour, and there were plenty of uses for the acid in the juice in the household. Xiaojun wasn’t exactly picky when it came to food, as long as it wasn’t too salty. Why not give it a try?

Jisung seemed to win the quarrel, but Chenle got him and effectively held him down until he gave up. Xiaojun considered how to best get through the skin without a knife and cutting board, and went for simply peeling it with his nails.

He sniffed. The scent was good, fresh, maybe a bit too reminiscent of cleaning agents – obviously not the poor lemon’s fault, it had been there first.

Xiaojun tried a small bite, while Jisung and Chenle scrambled off the ground and Chenle tried to clean himself, which Jisung didn’t even bother. It wasn’t like Chenle looked any cleaner after patting himself down.

The lemon was definitely sour, to the point that Xiaojun had to shake himself a little, but underneath that, it actually tasted quite yummy! He could see the appeal!

“Oh, this isn’t so bad, it’s like a kick from the sourness!”

Jisung’s eyebrows rose like he hadn’t expected the reaction at all, and Xiaojun handed him the rest of the lemon back.

“Y-yeah, I know, right?”

Chenle broke into a fit of laughter, slapping Jisung’s shoulder repeatedly until the younger shoved him in the ribs and Chenle stumbled sideways into Xiaojun.

“Y-your f-face! Ohmygod!”

“Shut up.”

“T-this is the-the best.”

Xiaojun patted Chenle’s back, unsure what exactly the best was, but willing to wait and happy to see Chenle having such a blast.

“Urgh.” He eventually straightened, drying tears of laughter from his eyes, “Seriously, Jisung’s only doing this to look tough and like some brutal Viking or something, and now you, YOU, like the lemon. It’s perfect.”

Xiaojun looked at Jisung, feeling a little sorry but also worried he’d rely on a lemon to achieve an image he wanted for himself. It was best to be himself, not strive for some weird ideal of masculinity. Toxic, how Renjun had called it.

“I’m not doing it to look tough,” Jisung argued, flushed red.

“Riiight,” Chenle grinned and Jisung’s frown deepened. At this point it was banter, Xiaojun realised, nothing to worry about.

He suddenly spotted a familiar figure moving from the corner of his eyes.

“Oh, guys, I see Kun-Hyung, I’ll go and see what he’s up to!” he interrupted before the two would inevitably be rolling over the ground again.

If he quickly ran over to where Kun was walking all alone, he wouldn’t be breaking the promise of the buddy-system, quick trips between people were okay. He just had to hurry and not lose the other in the crowd of people that was steadily growing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)
> 
>  
> 
> I don't know if I'll manage to update on Thursday bc I've been lacking behind with editing and have exams, just as a heads up >.<


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I edited like a man woman. I overall behaved rather mad bc I finally overcame my post-Lion-Heart-slump and found inspiration to start writing a new part of the series. The ideas are plentiful and make me disfunction in daily life. So that’s probably not healthy but do I look like I care? 
> 
> Next update will either be Saturday and Tuesday bc I’ll be gone and living my best life at the Europa-Park.
> 
>  
> 
> [Cuties](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EBpDrJsXUAAZjiM?format=jpg&name=small)

Kun was walking at a pace like he was trying to break a record, and Xiaojun had trouble following because it seemed the path Kun took immediately closed and people weren’t as willing to part for Xiaojun. With a bit of using his elbows and running, he managed to catch up eventually.

He realised Kun was wearing normal jeans today, his tail moving in clear agitation. Xiaojun still didn’t know why he would hide it, so he didn’t know whether to be relieved to see it or to worry.

He was clearly not in a good mood. Instead of immediately going to hug him, Xiaojun decided to use a gentler approach, to see what exactly was going on.

“ _Kun-Ge!”_ he fell into step next to him, a little out of breath, and turned to see Kun’s expression.

The grumpy frown wasn’t something Xiaojun had ever seen on Kun before. He swallowed. What had happened? Why would he be upset? It hadn’t happened before, Xiaojun had nothing to reference to.

Was he angry about something or with someone – did Kun even get angry? A million thoughts ran through his mind, and he regretted having abandoned Chenle and Jisung.

He had just invited himself to be with Kun without asking, simply assuming it’d be okay. The idea that it might not be only now crossed his mind. If there needed to be a scapegoat, Xiaojun had just set himself up for the part. If Kun wanted to be alone, then he was interrupting that rudely. Maybe he’d find Chenle and Jisung again, and the picnic blanket shouldn’t be too hard to spot either, but it wasn’t ideal.

However, as Kun turned his head, the frown melted and while he wasn’t back to his gentle smile, he looked far less intimidating.

“ _Hey, what are you doing here?”_

_“Sorry, I saw you and decided to follow. I… is this a bad time? I can try and find the others.”_

_“It’s never a bad time for you,”_ Kun reassured him. Xiaojun’s heart made a small summersault. For him? It sounded like some special permission – or maybe he was just projecting his wishes to be someone special to Kun now.

_“But you’re in a bad mood, right? Can I make it better?”_

Kun paused in his fast pace so abruptly, Xiaojun walked another two steps and needed to backtrack.

He wanted to ask what was wrong and why he had stopped, but Kun stared at him with this unreadable expression and Xiaojun found himself speechless. It was such an intense gaze, yet he didn’t know at all what might be going on his Kun’s head. All he could do was swallow. He couldn’t even look away, it was like Kun had him under a spell.

Finally, the other turned his head and nodded, _“If that’s okay, yeah, I’d appreciate it. Just… could I hold your hand?”_ Kun’s voice was soft. He seemed downright… vulnerable. Another thing Xiaojun hadn’t seen in him yet. He wasn’t quite sure how to handle it, but he did want to help him feel better. Holding hands sounded easy enough, he wished he had more ideas on what might help, but he didn’t.

 _“Sure.”_ he easily held his hand out and Kun grabbed it so tightly, it felt like he was trying to break a bone. It was similar to that time at the festival, and Xiaojun was reminded that Kun didn’t like people so much. Here were a ton of people. Why was he alone then? What had happened? The others would be offering safety, wouldn’t they? Or was Xiaojun thinking all wrongly?

 _“Thank you for coming, despite not liking people. I really appreciate it.”_ Xiaojun whispered when they started walking again. He felt good for being able to offer support, but he wished he could do more.

_“I’m not in a bad mood because of you!”_

_“I didn’t think you were. Wait, are you?”_

_“No! No, sorry, I just thought because you said that… urgh, sorry, I… wish I always had it together but I really don’t. I feel like I don’t have it together at all right now, sorry.”_ Kun’s voice was shaky and he kept looking around like he was expecting to find someone. Xiaojun made sure to keep his grip on Kun’s hand tight. It was weird, to hear that Kun was struggling. Normally, Kun had all the answers and the Kun-sense that told him when to step in and save Xiaojun. His personal guardian angel.

However, even angels needed a day off, right? Or a week off. Or however long off Kun needed. It was okay to not be okay. Even if you seemed like you were perfect, that was a standard much too high for anyone to live up to. Even Kun – though it felt weird to realise that. Xiaojun wanted to try and be Kun’s angel – to the best of his abilities.

 _“You don’t have to be sorry. You don’t have to always have to have it together.”_ Kun didn’t reply, but he also didn’t face Xiaojun, making it clear that he seemed to expect himself to. _“Uh, maybe we should eat some chocolate? It really helps to make you feel better.”_

 _“No!”_ Kun’s answer came so strongly and surprisingly, Xiaojun startled.

 _“Oh. Okay.”_ Xiaojun remembered Kun was very much against snacking, even a little.

He wished he knew some other way to make him feel better, but, just like when Chenle had opened up to him, Xiaojun found himself at a loss of what to do and out of experiences. He just had to do what he could, which right now was only holding his hand and walking next to him, and hope it’d suffice.

He kept observing Kun’s behaviour, but he did calm down and his almost hectic looking around turned into scanning the crowd more intensely than was objectively called for. His grip on Xiaojun relaxed ever so slightly, but it was still tight.

Xiaojun wasn’t sure how much his support in holding his hand helped Kun regain his composure and he wasn’t sure if Kun had genuinely calmed down or was just pretending.

After his misstep with the chocolate, he didn’t dare ask and make Kun freak out again. Xiaojun wasn’t even sure why he had, it was just chocolate, but it was what it was.

They kept walking in big circles because the square and park were only so big. With every round, Kun became calmer, his grip loosening just a bit and the tension leaving his body.

It was a relief, but Xiaojun still wished he would have been able to do more, help him get there faster, anything.

There was still a lot he didn’t know about Kun. He wanted to find out, but he knew these things needed time to become easy enough to tell.

He would be patient for now. He could do that for Kun.

He decided to listen in on conversations around them. He wanted to know how successful today had been.

Especially since this was clearly much harder on Kun than Xiaojun had expected. He felt terrible for not having realised it before coming.

Should he have not asked him to go to the music festival last week? Should he have not expected Kun to tag along today?

He had been too selfish, once more!

Knowing Kun to be the victim of that selfishness, he felt even more guilty over the revelation of how hard this was for the other than he normally would have. He needed to know it at least had been successful!

There were some talks completely off-topic, about some exams someone had written and was sure they had failed. Xiaojun wasn’t interested in those.

The next ones he eavesdropped on were discussing the case. Xiaojun tried to hear what exactly they were talking about but it was all things he had already known. Still, that was good!

Those after were talking about how to integrate Hybrids into schools. They kept bouncing ideas off each other, coming up with a whole concept. It was amazing! Xiaojun listened for as long as he could to that.

All those conversations were good and were what they had strived for: ruining the men’s reputation and shining a light on the mistreatment and also pushing for fairer treatment in the future.

Xiaojun was relieved to get the confirmation he had hoped for.

It’d be crucial to have public opinion on their side and educate the people to understand what it was they were pushing for and why it was important. It also just felt really good to be seen as a person, so this wasn’t just a success in the bigger picture, but also for Xiaojun personally. Perhaps, being treated with basic respect and decency wouldn't be a reason to grow excited and thankful anymore in the future, but be normal.

When they were too far away to hear, he was drawn to a new conversation that was interesting for completely other reason. It also ruined the good mood and positivity he had just gained.

From what he could conclude, someone had noticed the pattern on Kun’s tail. It was a dead giveaway – Xiaojun himself had known him to be a Bengalese from that.

It stood out, just like everything about Kun stood out visually: from the bold patterning of his hair and tail to his handsome face and light green eyes. It was a look that held a certain expectation. Just like a Bengalese cat, he had been made to remind of the dangerous and wild nature of big cats.

It didn’t quite fit with his gentle nature, but that made him even more beautiful and his personality even more precious.

What Xiaojun was hearing wasn’t any of that, though. It was neither praising Kun’s looks, nor discussing his breed in general or wondering if he’d go hunt the birds in the park if allowed – all questions that had been asked today.

“I wouldn’t let a Hybrid this expensive just waltz around outside. That’s just asking for someone to snatch him, these things are worth more than a luxury car.”

“Honey, I think everyone here has gone a little nuts or they wouldn’t be letting cats and bunnies out in the first place.”

Anger spread in Xiaojun’s chest. He looked to where the conversation had come from, seeing what seemed to be a couple, both dressed in business-wear, looking their direction.

The man noticed Xiaojun had turned his attention to him and raised his hand, waving him over with a rude and disrespectful gesture. Xiaojun’s anger started to make him lose grip on his good intentions and good behaviour, but he managed to turn his head.

They were about to walk away, with Xiaojun successfully ignoring it had ever happened and Kun possibly not even noticing, when the man whistled and called: “Hey you, come here.”

It was more than Xiaojun could take.

Who did this man think he was?

He dragged Kun with him as he stomped over to the businessman with large steps, not noticing that Kun was unsuccessfully trying to hold him back.

“Are you talking to me? Do I look like a fucking dog that you get to order around to you?”

The man scoffed and crossed his arms, eying Xiaojun for a second and then shaking his head like he wasn’t even worth giving a full check-out.

“Dog, cat, whatever, it’s all the same, isn’t it? And you came, so it obviously worked.”

“I came to give you a fucking piece of my mind for being an arrogant asshole thinking you get to treat any other person like this.”

“Wow, you have a mouth on you. Didn’t your breeder teach you it’s not a good look on such a pretty face? Or your owner?”

“My owner lets me do whatever the fuck I want, including talking to dipshits like you however I see fit.”

“Clearly, you need a bit of a harder hand in the house. Do you two go together? If so, I’m not surprised you swear like a sailor. Someone letting a Bengalese walk around obviously has a screw or two loose.”

It was one thing to criticise Xiaojun’s choice of words. Admittedly, it wasn’t the gentleman’s way. But calling Taeil crazy?

That was enough to make Xiaojun ball his free hand into a fist, however, Kun spoke before he could do anything regrettable. It gave him a second to calm down and let rational thought gain the upper hand in his head again.

“Our owner can do whatever he wants with us and I don’t see how it’s your business at all. You don’t even know him, I think your comments are very out of place.” Kun’s voice was collected, not even raised, how Xiaojun’s had been. However, there was a slight edge in it, and when Xiaojun glanced over, he saw Kun’s face set in a downright intimidating glare, similarly to the one he had worn when he had found him earlier.

Xiaojun’s emotions got scrambled all over the place from all these new sides of Kun the day was showing him. Like earlier, he felt slightly intimidated, but also grateful over Kun handling things maturely where he had nearly let his anger take over yet again.

“I really think you shouldn’t be doing this. Your owner is making sure you have a good and safe life. Why disrespect his efforts? You should be more grateful.” The woman chimed in now, shaking her head like she couldn’t believe anyone would be so daring to take a walk in the fucking park.

“I love my owner, he’s smart, kind-hearted, and compassionate. I would never disrespect him.” Kun explained while Xiaojun did his best to not jump in the both their faces. It’d not help anybody, he repeatedly told himself.

“Clearly, you are. Both of you. You should be watching your mouth. All of these rude words will fall onto him in the end, for not being able to control you properly.” The man pointed at Xiaojun. His whole mannerism was so entitled and disrespectful it made Xiaojun want to scratch his fingers across his stupid face. He didn’t. He would be like Kun and use words, very maturely and adult-y. Or not.

“Do I look like a fucking electric car run by a remote that needs to be controlled?” Xiaojun hissed, but the man only pursed his lips in slight irritation and carried on. Of course, he would. He wasn’t taking them serious whatsoever. Xiaojun knew his type and it was hard to hold back, but Kun’s hand in his reminded him to not lash out.

“And you should stay inside, where you belong. Buying a Bengalese is an investment, you shouldn’t risk that by walking around where anyone could just pick you off the street.”

Xiaojun had some choice words, but he expected Kun to retort and explain just how absolutely stupid the idea was that kidnapping would be acceptable in any way, shape, or form. He was so mature and reasonable, he’d probably do it politely, how he had before. He didn’t need Xiaojun to speak for him.

But seconds passed and there wasn’t an answer. When he looked over, he noticed Kun had paled and his mouth was pressed shut tightly.

His blood ran cold at the sight. Like earlier, the intimidating attitude had dropped and left Kun scared and vulnerable.

Anger, no, fury overwhelmed Xiaojun. How dare these people to make his Kun feel so intimidated he went silent?

It suddenly made sense why he’d keep his tail hidden – without it, people would not necessarily realise his breed. It was a means to avoid such dumb and rude comments. And maybe more, if Kun’s expression was anything to go by. How dare they make him hide who he was?

“Does he look like a fucking toy there for anyone to take who thinks he’s pretty?” Xiaojun snarled, taking a step towards the man in his pretentious suit.

He didn’t care it might reflect badly onto Taeil. This was inexcusable and he knew Taeil wouldn’t resent him for sticking up for Kun and would have done it himself. It wasn’t like these were the kind of people Taeil would want to be associated with. Xiaojun knew he turned away people who mistreated their Hybrids, as long as the Hybrid wouldn’t take harm from that. It was more than okay to talk back to this human, especially after he had doubted Taeil’s sanity previously.

He was trying to ban them to the house and silence them.

But Xiaojun was here to be heard.

“Obviously, that’s what he’s made for, and so are you. I really think you should take a step down and realise your place in society. You’re here for what? Equal rights? That’s laughable. If it weren’t for humans creating you as companions, you’d not even be around.”

“I didn’t ask to be created as a dumb-ass companion, so I’m not going to be grateful, especially when I made my breeder fucking rich when selling me. I don’t have any reason to be thankful for the bare minimum.”

“You’re not going to suggest breeders’ hard work should be free? Clearly, a lot of effort went into choosing a matching couple to make a pretty Hybrid, so many investments to even get there. Raising children is hard work and expensive, too. Of course, they need to be reinstated for that.”

“Or maybe, they could stop forcing two people into sex, worse, one of them into pregnancy, only to then rip their child from them to fucking brainwash it into thinking they’re some lower being, made to clean the house and suck their owner’s dick.” Xiaojun growled.

“Please, obviously that’s not what is happening. You’re just overdramatising a perfectly reasonable system for the sake of getting attention.” The man waved his hand to discard Xiaojun’s words, “I know you know that I’m right. People aren’t going to wear out their diamond-encrusted jewellery to the supermarket where anyone could steal it. You shouldn’t be here.” The man was talking directly to Kun, who visibly shrunk under his words.

How could he be so cruel to imprison a person in their home just because a weird market situation had decided this person was worth millions? How could he even suggest that it’d be justifiable to fucking kidnap a person? Worse, to avoid getting kidnapped, the victim should never see anything other than their own four walls instead of making it fucking illegal and impossible for them to be taken anywhere against their will?

Not to mention this was Kun!

Kun, who Xiaojun knew to be smart, kind, reasonable, reliable, and nothing but sweet. He hadn’t done anything other than being this amazing person, and not a single thing to deserve this treatment. If it’d at least be him – he had done plenty of mess-ups. Kun, though? His only crime was wearing outdated sweaters that made him look 30 years older than he was.

Xiaojun felt a hiss build in his chest.

He shouldn’t hit him.

No one would benefit from that. Absolutely no one.

He could get Taeil into trouble.

The whole case even.

His own integrity and suitableness as a witness might be endangered!

Too bad these thoughts were clouded by rage. He hated not being listened to, it was this type of person, that thought themselves naturally above Xiaojun without even doing anything to deserve it other than being born human, who would not listen.

It was so unfair!

But now, it wasn’t only hurting him, it was hurting Kun, and Xiaojun couldn’t bear seeing him looking so small and scared.

He clenched his thumb around the other fingers, making sure the grip was tight to cause as much harm and hurt as little as possible at the same time.

All the voices telling him violence wouldn’t be the answer were silent now. There was only blind fury left, hatred for the human who had everything and saw himself on top of the world.

He was about to take another step forward when someone put their arms around him from behind. The grip held his arms down and stopped him from raising a fist to smash into the know-it-all suit-guy’s face how he had wanted to do. Xiaojun pushed against it, still set on getting the job done, but whoever was holding him back didn’t even budge a millimetre.

“Excuse me, I couldn’t help overhear your opinions on our current breeding situation. I’d love to present some facts helping you understand the reasons why it is so incredibly harmful and degrading.” Donghyuck stepped past where Xiaojun was still fighting his own anger and newfound restriction, chirping in a pleasant voice and holding out a pamphlet.

“Of course, there’s more where one came from. As I said, you can’t go and think breeders’ work should be free. That’s not how business works.” The man sounded downright bored now, but Donghyuck’s attitude didn’t waver. This wasn’t the first time he was dealing with such a person and he clearly knew much better what he was doing.

Xiaojun took a deep breath and let some of the anger go. Donghyuck was going to deal with it. He was going to be smart about it and use studies and facts to show this asshole where the issue was, and he’d get him to listen – without violence, which was far better than Xiaojun punching him. Though he would have deserved it.

“Oh, of course not. Slavers had to get paid for kidnapping people from Africa to sell them to white plantation owners as well. It was their hard work to whip these men and women into shape and make them obey some cotton mogul’s command, right?” Donghyuck asked in a pleasant voice.

The suited man’s eyes widened, and now it was his turn to search for words. His wife didn’t look off much better, her slick smile having dropped lower with every word.

Xiaojun took another deep breath and calmed the anger he still felt. Donghyuck had this under control. He stopped trying to break free and noticed Kun was still holding his hand. So, it couldn’t have been him realising Xiaojun was about to run into another problem and hold him down? It had been his first assumption, but thinking about it, Kun wouldn’t have been strong enough to just pin him in place how he was right now.

This unmanageable anger was one of the reasons why Xiaojun hadn’t wanted to come and had been scared to. It had been damn close his worries would have been confirmed. They hadn’t, luckily, but only by hair’s breadth and with the help of someone.

Rather than getting angry over being held down, he was grateful for it. He would have felt bad for using violence once he was back to rational thinking. It would have maybe even become a big issue. Worst of all, he would have let himself down and felt awful afterwards. This had been the support he needed to be reminded of that.

If it hadn’t been Kun, who had just stopped him and essentially saved him from himself?

He looked behind himself to see who was still effectively holding him down him with what could be described as a hug. It didn’t even really feel like a restriction, but Xiaojun knew that was the purpose and it had already served it.

“Uh, Johnny-Hyung. I think you can let go now.” Xiaojun whispered, while Donghyuck kept debating the man, who actually had the guts to come back from the accusations.

“Feeling calm and relaxed?” Johnny softly asked, loosening his hold and Xiaojun nodded, “Sorry for this, but I was a little worried we’d get a physical assault case on our hands.”

“We might have.” Xiaojun cleared his throat and straightened his jacket for no reason, “Thanks for stopping me from that.”

“Anytime. The fine is 150,000 Won you could be spending on something much more fun.”

Xiaojun wasn’t sure why Johnny knew the cost of fucking up, but he was right. It was a lot of money better put towards something like yummy food.

He glanced past Johnny, checking on Kun, whose hand was gripping his tighter again. Johnny did the same thing, but let Xiaojun be the one to step closer, while he went to support Donghyuck in his arguments.

“ _Are you okay?”_ Xiaojun softly asked. Kun was definitely still paler than he normally was.

“ _I…”_ Kun nodded, but his eyes were a little shiny. Xiaojun felt panic rise. Kun wasn’t one to cry! That was his part! This was even worse than when Chenle had been crying in his darkened room!

However, touching Kun was allowed, so, Xiaojun immediately let go of his hand and wrapped both arms around the cat, squeezing him tightly.

_“Don’t let them tell you dumb shit. No one will steal you, I’ll make sure of that!”_

A wet chuckle came from Kun, but he nodded against his shoulder. Xiaojun felt a little lightheaded. He had figured something out to help him! This was new, this was different. This was him doing something for Kun, not the other way around how it normally was.

He could totally fight off whoever dared put a hand on his Kun, Kun might be too polite to do so. He could make Kun feel better when he felt like crying because of terrible humans. This was all him!

It felt amazing. It didn’t make his heart break any less over seeing Kun so intimidated, but knowing he could make him laugh after, could provide strength when it was Kun who didn’t have it, was incomparable. Xiaojun wished he could do more, show Kun more how much he cared, how important he was to him.

He wasn’t given the chance to, but also saved from possible new faux passes and possibly ruining what was just going so well.

“ _Hey, what happened? Is Kun-Ge okay?”_ Chenle had come over, tailed by Guanheng looking worried.

Kun loosened his hold, and Xiaojun let go. The other was quick to fix his appearance, before turning and smiling reassuringly.

_“It’s fine, just some rude people.”_

Xiaojun snorted loudly and crossed his arms. Chenle’s eyes wandered between them, and Guanheng nodded understandingly.

“ _Is it the ones Donghyuck looks ready to murder?”_ Kun looked where Chenle was pointing at and nodded.

“ _Do you want to change jackets? My coat hides your tail.”_ Guanheng suggested and Xiaojun heard his assumption confirmed. However, Kun straightened and shook his head.

“ _They don’t get any say in how I dress. I’ll even less hide it, now, if only to show them they can suck it.”_

Xiaojun felt his breath hitch.

There was something about Kun’s tone, so different from the kind and warm one he always used. Perhaps it was the words that were probably as close to cursing as he’d get or the way he held his head high without a hint of doubt, full of confidence and self-assurance.

Xiaojun felt a rush of exhilaration. It was different from the usual heart racing, it was stronger, his whole body seemed to run hot and cold at the same time, his stomach clenching weirdly.

That, this confidence and self-respect, was so hot!

It made Xiaojun’s brain sort-circuit, leaving only the thought about how much he wanted to kiss Kun. Right here, right now, regardless of the fact that they were in the middle of a park in front of a court, he just needed to…

 _“A little more and you’re drooling.”_ Chenle’s voice cut through the mess of jumbled emotions, and Xiaojun realised Kun and Guanheng were discussing the time, and when they could expect Taeil to be finished and go home, while Chenle had snuck closer.

_“A-am not.”_

_“Sure. Be glad it’s not Donghyuck here, he wouldn’t let you live.”_

_“I just…”_ Chenle raised an eyebrow and Xiaojun took a deep breath. _“Do you know someone reliable to ask if I have a crush?”_

_“Yeah. Me. You have one. Congrats, you’re the second last person to know, the only other oblivious person, unfortunately for you, being Kun-Ge.”_

_“Okay, but, listen, I don’t want to do anything sexual, doesn’t that mean it’s not one? Isn’t it just being friends?”_ Xiaojun whispered so softly he could barely hear himself, but Kun was merely three steps away and could not under any circumstances hear this.

Risky or not, he still needed to ask. He needed clarity! It felt like his heart and head both had decided to go haywire, leaving Xiaojun in a mess of anxiety and stress.

_“Not at all? Or not just because it sucked before?”_

_“No, not at all. I never have even before it turned out to be the literal worst.”_

_“Okay, well, still doesn’t change the fact you very obviously have a crush. You don’t have to, you know, do THAT in a relationship.”_ Chenle’s cheeks tinted pink, but he remained serious.

“ _I thought that was the point?”_

_“No. The point is that you’re in love with each other, like, romantically. If that includes anything, uh, physical is up to you. You might want to, once you know him better, you might not, it doesn’t matter or makes your feelings less valid.”_

_“But why would anyone have sex in the first place if you didn’t have to?”_

_“Shh, oh my god, how can you just talk about that? Okay, listen, normally, people want to, it’s not about having to.”_

_“I don’t get that. Wait, so I’m broken?”_

_“No! No, no, no, don’t twist it. If I say normally, I mean the majority of people. The majority of people like rice, if you don’t like rice you’re not broken or anything, you just don’t like rice, end of the story. To me, it sounds like you’re somewhere towards the spectrum of asexuality. That’s not broken, just not the majority of people, but there’s still a ton of people like that. You can even decide to stick a label to it if you want to. Ace, Demi, like, I don’t know, I’m not the LGBTQ+ police. Put in Google later, okay? You’ll see I’m not bullshitting you.”_

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose and nodded. Asexuality, he had never heard that before, but having a word to call it helped. It was reassuring to know he was neither broken nor alone in this. He’d definitely ask Google about it later.

_“Okay, so, I have a crush on Kun-Ge then. What do I do now?”_

_“You’ll just admit it? For real?”_

_“Yeah, why not?”_

_“So, you weren’t in denial, you genuinely didn’t think it was one?”_

_“Yes. I tried asking several people but no one gave me a good explanation.”_ Xiaojun whined and Chenle chuckled.

“ _Seriously, you’re one of a kind. Well, glad to be able to help you. Sorry I didn’t earlier, I just thought you were in denial and wanted to let you come to terms with it.”_

“ _Hey, you two, what are you whispering about?”_ Kun turned, and Xiaojun’s heart was in his throat again.

In theory, nothing was different now than two minutes ago. It had been a crush before Xiaojun had realised it was.

In reality, it felt like everything had changed just from giving it the name it deserved. The entire Mandarin language had been deleted from Xiaojun’s memory on short notice, leaving him grasping for words and coming up empty.

Luckily, he wasn’t alone.

 _“Sorry, it’s not for old people.”_ Chenle chirped.

 

After this, Xiaojun felt no desire to keep going anywhere with Kun because it made him turn into a mess of heart-racing, light-headedness and word-jumble.

He’d have to recover from the revelation of having a crush first.

Guanheng went with Kun, who looked back to calm and normal. While Xiaojun was a little jealous the other was now going to be the one getting Kun’s attention, he knew he was absolutely incapable of doing anything that’d possibly involve Kun breathing his direction right now.

 

Because he had a crush on Kun.

 

Oh god.

 

 

First, he stuck to Chenle, until he got tired and found the picnic blanket.

 

There were some unfamiliar humans sitting on it and chatting with Ten and Doyoung, but Xiaojun easily settled where Sicheng, Yuta, and Taeyong were keeping to themselves. There had been enough interaction with strange humans for the day.

He watched as some men and women with recording devices pushed between groups of people, occasionally stopping and talking to them. The most popular were interviews with those on the table with flyers, easy to associate with the Organisation.

Xiaojun was sure their efforts hadn’t been in vain as he curled up half on top of Yuta and Sicheng, using them as warm pillows. The three were talking about a straw hat crew in low voices. Xiaojun wasn’t sure what that was, but he didn’t care enough to ask and was much too exhausted to deal with more new information for the next 24 hours. If not longer.

Because he had a crush on Kun.

He just listened to the familiar voices and let his mind slowly process all the confusing and overwhelming feelings from earlier.

When excited over something, both Taeyong and Sicheng’s voices climbed a pitch or two. Taeyong also started stringing words together and swallowing syllables to talk faster and get more information out. Sicheng used his hands a bit more and occasionally dropped a word in Mandarin, not even noticing it didn’t belong to Korean. Yuta got louder and would try to make the others listen by putting his hand on their shoulders.

It was cute. They seemed to get stuck on a certain member of the straw hats, and both Yuta and Sicheng started petting his head, their hands occasionally brushing each other.

Lethargy took over, making Xiaojun lose himself in the feeling of being warmed by two people and comfortable from the gentle massage.

A lot had happened today, so many different, important things for both the development of the case, meaning society as a whole, and for Xiaojun himself. But right now, that all didn’t seem so grave and daunting. He was just relaxed and felt taken care of. He felt home, with his family.

Many of the people, who had been around all day to set a sign, started to leave. A stream of businessmen and -women, as well as busy pupils in uniforms, picked up, making everything more hectic than it had been before, but also giving an influx of new potential supporters who were quickly handed flyers by the many volunteers of the organisation.

Yuta scratched where Xiaojun’s hair was long in his nape and his muscle tense. Xiaojun leaned in, to make Yuta keep doing that, and he felt a low rumble start to resonate in his chest. For a moment, he was confused by it, not able to put a name to the sensation.

It seemed like he wasn’t the only one who noticed, because Yuta paused his discussion about some Sanji-person’s family issues and looked down with wide eyes, Sicheng doing the same only a second later.

Xiaojun’s breath caught in his throat and the sound stopped.

“Was that…” Sicheng carefully asked.

“That was a purr! Oh my god! Is this how parents feel when their child starts talking?” Yuta gasped.

“Yuta, he’s seventeen.” Taeyong softly chipped in.

“Jaehyun is nineteen, so what’s your point? I’m so proud of you!” Yuta leaned down and squashed Xiaojun in a hug.

It was a little hard to breathe, but that might have been because of tears.

 

Finally, shortly before five, the door of the court opened and the people with the recording devices jumped up from where they had been waiting. Xiaojun looked to see what was going on, and immediately wished he hadn’t.

There, flanked by two police officers, was the man who had run the brothel, marching down the stairs, his gaze straight ahead, ignoring the people asking questions.

Xiaojun hadn’t seen him often, which was the reason why he wasn’t jumping up and running his direction to let out all the anger and hatred that bubbled in his tummy from just seeing him.

Instead, he turned his head and ignored when more people came from the courthouse, the shutters of cameras going off and the questions getting louder, mixing with police asking them to step back. He leaned against Sicheng while the chaos behind him unfolded.

“Guys, you’re all still here? I hoped you’d go home! You must be freezing!” Taeil’s voice finally came over the mess of strangers. Xiaojun felt endless relief hearing it and knowing they’d be going home now. It was done and over with – for today.

Only one last, very important thing, needed to be answered, to know just how successful it had been.

“What did they rule?” Ten asked, faster than Xiaojun could have.

“They’ll be investigating in all cases. They’ll accept experts’ opinions on both the physical and psychological state of all Hybrids associated with the brothel, which will include you, Ten and Xiaojun.” Taeil’s voice was a bit choked up, and Xiaojun heard some of the others gasp and yip.

He kept silent, and looked for Ten, seeing the other turn to him as well. Neither of them joined in the cheerfulness.

Ten knew just as well as Xiaojun this wasn’t won yet. They had won a battle, not the war.

There were too many ways to get out of it. Xiaojun had been surprised anyone had even been arrested in the first place. Until he saw a judge acknowledge the pain the monsters had caused him, and Ten, and so many others, until he saw the proof there was going to be punishment, he couldn’t feel relief yet.

“The exam will have to be done by someone other than me. It’ll be the official public health officials responsible, so it’ll be a human doctor, but I’ll make sure to come with you. The psychological opinions will be issued by Yixing and Amber, respectively. It’s all on quite short notice, they don’t want to delay the trial, it’ll have to be done by next week.”

“Will we have to speak?” Ten asked and Xiaojun froze. He hadn’t even thought about that yet. He had just settled on never having to since he hadn’t so far.

“That depends. Not next week, no. It might happen after.”

Ten nodded, looking resolute, while Xiaojun wanted to go and hide behind Yuta forever.

He hadn’t thought this through! He didn’t want to see the monsters again. Yes, he wanted to be listened to and taken seriously, but his handler would be in the courtroom, as well as all the other men.

He hadn’t even been able to look their direction now, how was he supposed to face them without freaking out and making dumb mistakes?

 

Even two hours later, when he had warmed back up, bathed, and was under his bed’s blanket, bundled up while Kun was preparing an outfit for tomorrow, Xiaojun still felt sick.

It was all too much. The rush from happiness, to excitement, to nervousness, to anger, to fear.

He hadn’t even looked at his arms, much less his face, feeling like he’d undo all his progress if he tried to when his head was already throbbing.

_“Do you want to sleep? You look tired.”_

The bed dipped and Xiaojun glanced up at Kun.

It didn’t matter he had a crush on Kun, it didn’t matter his heart always freaked out and his body felt like there was electricity running through it. He needed to be close to him right now, he needed to know he wasn’t alone but had a family here that’d be with him.

He knew, rationally, he’d get through this. He knew, rationally, there was hope Taeil would win this for him, and for Ten, and indirectly for Sicheng, for Taeyong, Yuta, Kun, Doyoung, Jaehyun, Guanheng, and Jeno.

Right now was a moment of weakness. Those were okay to have.

_“I am. Can we just listen to some music?”_

Kun nodded and settled on his side of the bed, which Xiaojun immediately rolled onto, snaking his arm around the other’s torso and nuzzling his head against his shoulder.

The soft tune of a ballad filled the room soon, and Xiaojun was too tired to even listen to the lyrics he hadn’t heard before, sleep making his brain slow and fuzzy.

He felt Kun’s fingers weave through his hair. When he was almost asleep already, he heard Kun softly join the song.

“ _There're times there're times_

_I'll believe that everything has an end_

_reunite breakaway there're times_

_there's nothing that last forever_

_But then I at some times_

_rather choose to linger not let go_

_Wait till watch through the whole scenery_

_Maybe you'll accompany me to watch the stream flow_.”

 

In his dream, Xiaojun was on the flower field.

He realised he hadn’t been here for some time. It looked like the season had changed. Where usually it had been late spring, it was definitely summer now. More blossoms of different colours and flowers Xiaojun had only gotten to know recently were blooming all over, making it a sea of colour and scent. He looked up at the sky, where the sun was beaming down from, then looked around.

There was a crowd of people there. As he noticed them, they suddenly started to speak, their voices mixing into a loud noise – but a pleasant one, full of familiarity. When Xiaojun reached out, none of them turned to dust. He was grabbed and pulled into their midst, and Xiaojun looked around, seeing only smiles be returned to him.

This… this was the perfection of this dream he had had for so long.

But it wasn’t just a dream anymore – it was becoming a reality. He had friends and freedom, but he also had a home and a family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw Red Bean is a metaphor for love. ^^
> 
> There's now art of [Jaemin](https://twitter.com/KeiSugarbat/status/1161826414003458050) ;;;
> 
>  
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated the (pretty ugly) blueprint of Taeil’s flat to fit for Lion Heart~
> 
> [See here](https://i.ibb.co/q11W6FN/15-Taeil-s-Flat-V2.jpg)

The morning was a struggle. Xiaojun wasn’t sure where Kun had gone, but he wasn’t there when Taeyong gently shook him awake and he immediately felt like crying again.

He was angry with himself for having slept through the chance to cuddle Kun, but he was also unhappy Kun hadn’t made more on an effort to wake him.

The actual reason for the anger wasn’t Kun, not really. It was the monsters, but also himself, and everything and nothing at the same time.

 

Just the others talking about yesterday’s court hearing made him sit at the kitchen table and cry instead of helping clean up.

 

He wanted to be happy and focus on good things, but the fear over the judge maybe deciding he might be allowed to speak was weighing down on him and it felt like someone was holding his throat closed, making it hard to breathe.

“Try and tell me what’s wrong, so we can do something,” Doyoung gently asked.

“I-I didn’t-didn’t get my-my morning cuddles and-and what- what if…” Xiaojun’s voice broke.

He hated these two words: ‘what if’. They were directly linked to all terrible thoughts and crushing doubts.

“Good. Sh, it’s okay. Cuddling is no problem, there’s plenty of volunteers you just have to choose.” Xiaojun nodded and felt Doyoung rub his back comfortingly. He would prefer Kun, but Kun had left for work and wasn’t an option. It really sucked… no one compared to Kun!

“Do you want to pass on biology? We can do it later, in the evening, when I’m back from work. I’m sure talking to Yixing will help, hm?”

“Y-yes.”

“Okay, Jeno wants to cuddle, does that sound good to you?”

Xiaojun nodded and wiped his eyes. He found himself pulled off his chair and carried from the kitchen into the living room by Doyoung, who groaned a little under his weight but securely placed him in the pillow fortress, where Jeno immediately joined.

 

It helped a little.

Xiaojun calmed down and was able to walk to the office with his head somewhat held high.

 

He talked to Yixing.

That helped a lot.

When he returned to the flat smelling of squid, Xiaojun had found the strength to not let the chance of maybe having to possibly speak in a court ruin his mood anymore.

He was the one in control here. Weakness was okay, but it wasn’t okay to give up control forever.

 

There were two more people on the table for lunch than normally.

From how Xiaojun understood, the case and overall attention from the press ever since last year had brought in more and more patients, and now Taeil was in need of another doctor working. Jungwoo was younger than him, but he was a real doctor, too, certified and all.

Obviously, it made perfect sense to work together with his boyfriend, it was lucky their jobs fit so well.

Xiaojun wasn’t sure how to deal with two hyperactive dogs getting into fights over anything they could think of on a daily basis now, but he’d figure that out eventually. Jaemin would become family just like Jeno.

For now, having Jungwoo around was useful for entirely different, selfish reasons.

“Jungwoo-Hyung? The others said you cut their hair.” Xiaojun fumbled with the sleeve of his hoodie, shifting his weight back and forth in nervousness.

“I do.” Jungwoo smiled his soft smile.

“Could you cut mine? If you have time?” He had looked into the mirror, he was ready to do this.

“Yes, of course! I’d love to! How about we do it later today? I finish around half four, it won’t take more than 30 minutes, I’m sure.”

“So soon?” Xiaojun softly gasped.

“Oh, if it’s on too short notice any other day will work as well.”

“No.” Xiaojun shook his head and hair poked his eye. He definitely needed this off! “Today would be great, thank you.”

“Of course. I usually cut the same boring sides short, top longer, but make sure to think about any special requests you have, I’ll try and see what I can do, alright?”

“Yes!”

 

Xiaojun tried to think of special requests between solving 20 sets of text problems (If Mark has a box that holds 20 boxes of 1 cubic-decimetre each, how many cubic-decimetres does the box have if it’s currently filled to 80% capacity?), learning about the golf current, and reading the story of the brave hunter.

He very thoroughly looked at Kun’s hair in a photo, done by Jungwoo as well, then got lost in staring at Kun in general, but didn’t get closer to really figuring out what he wanted for himself.

He even texted Chenle about it.

In the end, he let Jungwoo just cut how he had suggested: shorter on the sides, longer on the top. The only special request was he’d let the fringe long enough to reach his eyebrows but short enough to no longer poke his eyes.

“I never thought I’d be picking up cutting hair as a hobby. By now, I might as well register it as a small business.” Jungwoo chuckled, as he clipped up the top portion of Xiaojun’s hair to focus on the lower first.

“Why did you?”

“You know that Jaemin used to live with Taeil-Hyung?”

“No.”

“Okay. Jaemin originally was given to Taeil-Hyung from someone, who had gotten him despite not wanting a Hybrid and had severely neglected him. That would have been around a year and a half ago. Taeil-Hyung didn’t have as big a family as he has now back then, but it was already quite full in this flat. Actually, I might have to explain how I got to meet him for this to make sense.

“To become a doctor, human, veterinary, or Hybrid, you have to gain practical experience during your studies. Obviously, since you’ll have to treat patients after and reading a book doesn’t give you the skills you need to make a good diagnosis. Our internship places were assigned by the university and I ended up being assigned to a certain Doctor Moon.”

Jungwoo started cutting the back and Xiaojun heard the clipping of the scissors and hair tickling his skin.

“Honestly, I didn’t want to study Hybrid medicine, I only wanted to become a doctor and my grades were too bad for veterinary, which I wanted to originally do. My mindset was: well, if I can’t treat cute pets, let’s treat cute Hybrids, who’re basically pets. I know, pretty terrible. Not to mention the methods they teach aren’t any better – you’re not supposed to address the Hybrids because they’re not smart enough to understand anyway and so on. It’s a whole another set of issues that need to be addressed sooner or later.”

That made sense and fit with how Xiaojun had been treated by doctors prior to coming here. He felt a little icky about Jungwoo’s reasoning for becoming a doctor, but clearly: he had changed and grown! Xiaojun couldn’t resent him for thoughts he had had years ago.

“So, I come here with all these school-taught ideas and an internship at Seoul National Hybrid Hospital under my belt, which left me thinking I already knew exactly how to do all this, and Taeil does essentially none of that. He even had a Hybrid working as a nurse! You can only imagine my surprise and my utter arrogance when I first met Yuta, I was so sure he was a decoration at best.

“At first, I thought Taeil was just batshit crazy. However, working here, I got to know the Hybrids he had back then, Doyoung, Taeyong, Yuta, and Jaeyhun. They all didn’t exactly conform to what I had thought I knew. That, plus seeing how gentle and kind Taeil was and how well-thought-through his reasoning for his actions, I realised my own thinking was the issue. That was also the time I started developing a major crush on Taeil-Hyung.”

Jungwoo sighed deeply. “Turned out hat was a road of suffering.”

“Suffering?” Xiaojun felt like he could relate all too well, his own crush involved a lot of suffering from heart racing, emotional turmoil, and constant hyper fixation – at least right now.

“Yeah. First, I started having trouble working because I wasn’t only nervous from being a beginner, but because it was Taeil breathing down my neck, god, it was miserable. Oh, and then, he didn’t seem to like me back, and when I thought he might, he kept being super polite and just wouldn’t fucking get it, URGH.” Jungwoo’s voice was still light and pleasant despite his obvious frustration. It was sort of funny. “That was a bad word, forget I said that and don’t use it.”

“O… kay?”, Xiaojun wasn’t sure Jungwoo meant that since he obviously had some issues with strong language. “But you’re happy now, right?”

“Yeah!” Jungwoo chirped, before adding more grumpily “After years of me running after him like a fool and Taeil-Hyung trying to ‘not abuse his role of power as my boss’.”

“How did you figure that out?” Xiaojun felt like this was the important part, maybe it’d help his own crush in the future?

“Oh, I finished my last exam, so Taeil-Hyung couldn’t reason with his student-teacher worries anymore, and pinned him to his office’s desk to make out.”

Jungwoo pulled some the clips from his hair and combed it down to work on the next layer.

“Sounds pretty, uh, straight-forward?”

“Well, he already knew my feelings and I knew his, so, I felt like it’d be okay to skip some stages. But it’s probably not recommendable.”

“Hm.” Xiaojun still was grateful for the input.

“So, anyway, despite all these issues, Taeil-Hyung taught me a lot about how to broaden the possibilities of Hybrid medicine by using the knowledge we can pull from humans and transfer it. From the others, I learnt how to treat Hybrids and how much more to you guys there is than just cute looks. I realised that Taeil wasn’t just keeping Hybrids for research, much less as pets or toys, but he actually has a bond like a family.

“A year ago, in November, there were some… incidents, that led to Jaemin needing a new home. He is still young, but he obviously was even younger a year ago, and back then he still was quite angry with the world for how he had been treated. On top, he has strong territorial instincts, and that made an explosive mixture.

“Together with the other issue, Taeil-Hyung needed to focus on, it just didn’t work out. I know it was very hard for him, to realise he couldn’t do it all at the same time, and I had the room and the means. Not to mention if Jaemin went to live with me, he would be close and Taeil-Hyung would be able to check on him whenever, which had been the requirement for any new home. Another, very important point, was that Jaemin needed to agree. He was fine with me, so it all fit, and he moved in with me. Taeil-Hyung was a little worried, and a little attached, I only became his owner officially months later.

“So, back to the barber-situation: Jaemin announced he wasn’t going to let his hair be cut anymore. At first, I thought it was another teenage-rebellion situation. There were, erm, are more of them than I’m comfortable recalling, but it turned out it was because they always knocked their combs into his ears and just pushed them around, or blew wind into them when drying.

“At first, I thought he’d change his mind but he didn’t. He also didn’t want to tie his hair up, it was just a mess. I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to cut hair and found a volunteer in Taeyong. When he accredited me with good ear-treatment, Jaemin allowed me to cut his hair. Honestly, it wasn’t my best work, but since I’m focussing mainly on this one cut I managed to figure out how to do it and make it look okay over time.

“As it turned out, the others were just as annoyed with having their ears accidentally hit. So, it became a hobby. Not to mention, something I’ve always found intriguing and beautiful, was now Hybrids’ hair is patterned and multicoloured, like yours. So, I find it really fun. Okay, how long did you want the fringe to be?”

“It needs to cover the, uh, the scar. So, to my eyebrows?”

“Sure.”

 

Xiaojun felt he looked not too different from before when he stared at the mirror, combing his hair around. More cleaned up, definitely. He pushed the hair aside to stare at the red line running over his forehead. It was visible. He let his hair drop over it again and it no longer was visible.

He quickly nodded to himself in the mirror, before starting to help Jungwoo get the hair off the floor. The talk he had had, was more valuable to Xiaojun then the haircut. Not only had he learnt more about Jungwoo himself and was now more reassured he was the right person for Taeil to be with. He had gained further insight into that not everything had always worked out, there had been mistakes made and problems too big to solve, long before Xiaojun had ever stumbled into the office.

He knew his thoughts of being a misfit and not having a place here had been just his fears talking.

It wasn’t only his unfounded fears, though, it was also the experience from the others paving the way for him. Taeil had said he had made mistakes with all of them. Xiaojun didn’t feel he had made that many with him – clearly, he had already made them before he had even gotten here and had learnt from them.

That something just was perfect inherently was an illusion. You had to work for it, but the result was worth every second of struggle. Seeing Yixing and feeling back to his lowest as he recalled his past was worth it when he could be happier after. Getting into fights and having small step backs was part of the journey and making up after could even help create a deeper bond than before.

As long as the foundation was there, being nice for niceness sake and trusting because he knew the other person would do their best to live up to the expectation rising from that, he knew it’d work out and he’d have a family to rely on.

Now all that was left to do, was to figure out this crush-situation. That shouldn’t be too hard.

Right?

 

Taeil was the first to praise the cut, though Xiaojun suspected it was because Jungwoo had been the one with the scissors, then it was Jeno, and Jaemin. Guanheng shrugged and said it wasn’t too terrible. Xiaojun pinched his arm and Jaehyun held his breath.

Xiaojun felt good about the compliments, however, when his eyes fell on Kun, who was not even watching, his heart suddenly leapt out of his chest yet again. Why wasn’t he looking?

Hearing if Kun thought it was a good look immediately was the most important thing to him. Obviously, it shouldn’t and didn’t matter. But Xiaojun wanted that Kun thought he looked good!

_“Ge, what do you think?”_ he bounced over to where he was sitting.

_“M-me?”_ Kun’s eyes widened and he looked around like he expected the person Xiaojun had addressed to be next to or behind himself.

_“Yeah! Why not you?”_

_“Erm, I don’t know. It’s, it’s very good, handsome?”_

_“That wasn’t very believable!”_ Xiaojun flopped on the seat next to Kun and pushed his head closer, hoping Kun would re-inspect and change his mind. He really wanted Kun to like it!

_“No! It looks very g-good!”_ Kun reassured him, his face flushing a soft pink. Then, he turned back to his phone and continued the game on it.

Xiaojun blinked in confusion once, twice, then tried to swallow the bitter feeling of rejection.

He wasn’t ignoring him, right?

He was overdramatising. It just… wasn’t that important. Yeah.

Like in the morning, when Kun had already been gone when he had gotten up. He had just… had to go to work!

Only, it really felt like being ignored.

 

Whatever it was, Xiaojun was still thinking over it later in the evening

When he got to bed, he wanted to ask Kun if he was maybe in a bad mood.

Unfortunately, Kun had already fallen asleep or was about to.

He’d probably still hear Xiaojun if he asked because he wasn’t breathing his normal sleeping pattern yet. The problem was, he didn’t want to annoy him by waking him only to ask if he was annoyed. The plan itself sounded like a set-up of doom.

He was just so confused by the reaction, or lack thereof, over his hair, and it mixed with the frustration from the morning.

It really shouldn’t be bothering him so much. Why was he so obsessed with hearing Kun compliment him? Why did he think he was entitled to 100% of Kun’s attention all the time when he was not?

It was probably due to this crush-situation.

One of the things about Kun was, that Xiaojun thought he was beautiful and handsome. He wanted Kun to think the same thing, the reason being, that a crush needed to be reciprocated. If he wanted to get anywhere from here, Kun had to have a crush on him, too. And part of that was finding the other person attractive.

Xiaojun really wanted that. He wanted to do more with Kun, kiss him, cuddle at all times, go on dates, make him look his very best, all those things you did for and with a boyfriend. He would have to make Kun develop a crush on him!

Hair was so simple. He wasn’t sure about how to make Kun like everything else, those things he couldn’t change so Kun liked them. Hair, however, was easy to change, making it the perfect starting point. If Kun wasn’t ready to give that the time of day, that would be a problem.

Or, maybe, Xiaojun was overreacting and Kun had just wanted to play the game, gotten up earlier than normal, chosen to sit next to Doyoung during TV night, and already fallen asleep – or trying to – when he came to bed.

That had to be it.

He’d address it tomorrow.

 

There, unfortunately, wasn’t a chance to do so.

Like yesterday, Kun was up before Xiaojun was even fully conscious.

There hadn’t even been morning cuddles for the second day in a row! Xiaojun was actually at the point of becoming upset now. Kun always at least ruffled his hair – he hadn’t today.

He dragged himself from the bed, feeling grumpy and irritated.

After that, there was still no chance to grab Kun and ask. Breakfast was hurried because they had to go to get their examinations for court done.

 

He was still thinking about it when Taeil herded him and Ten into a high rise building with the city emblem on it, where this official doctor apparently worked.

Having to strip for a stranger so they could examine his less than subpar body was about the last thing Xiaojun imagined himself doing on a nice weekend morning. He could be watching this musical, he found yesterday, or go to the park with Jeno, or meet up with Chenle to practice playing basketball. Even doing two hours of dishwashing seemed preferable. Then again, dishwashing wasn’t even that terrible, the more times he stuck his hands under running water, the less his fur stuck up.

However, it seemed like his unhappiness with having to go wasn’t even that big in comparison.

Ten looked much more apprehensive. His ears had been tugged back since he left the house and his tail was frozen between his legs, speaking of the tension he had to be feeling.

Xiaojun was torn between thinking this had to be a literal nightmare, since even Ten, the epitome of bravery and courage in his books, was scared, and trying to reason with himself this was merely an unpleasantry to get over with. The doctor was only another human and Taeil was there to protect him if necessary.

They took the lift to the fourth floor, where the small plate next to the buttons announced the “public medical office” to be, and Xiaojun committed all the turns to memory – just in case. He knew he didn’t have to go anywhere, he was safe if Taeil was there, but he needed to reassure his head he’d have a plan B if all else failed.

The doors down the hallway were all white, leaving it looking sterile and cold, similar to the quarantine hallway in Taeil’s office. It was both familiar and not. This type of coldness was supposed to never become familiar and comfortable.

Taeil rang the bell, and someone buzzed them in. There was no reception desk, instead, they stumbled right into the waiting room. Xiaojun looked around, but they were alone.

Well, it was different from Taeil’s work, after all. Here, they had gotten their appointment assigned without questions asked. Taeil would have been working if it weren’t for them having to go specifically now. Luckily, Jungwoo joining his office seemed to take a big burden off Taeil’s shoulders, leaving him with the freedom to take a day off and do things like fighting for their former handlers to be punished or accompanying them to strange offices.

Thinking about it, Xiaojun was weirdly grateful towards Jungwoo, just for being around and supporting Taeil.

 

It took two minutes for the door, behind which Xiaojun assumed treatment rooms to be, to open.

Two minutes of Ten sitting like he had turned into stone, staring straight ahead of himself and Taeil running a soothing hand over his back.

Xiaojun wondered if maybe Ten was more scared than himself without good reason.

It sounded ridiculous at first, but the more he thought about it, the more likely it seemed.

For a moment, Xiaojun felt upset with the idea of Ten not being infallible and perfect. Then, he realised how stupid that was. Ten was just a person, like himself. Of course, he’d have flaws and weaknesses – and that was okay.

“Good morning, thank you for making it, on such short notice it was hard to squeeze in so many appointments. I’m doctor Lee, nice to meet you.” It was a woman. Maybe it was due to only knowing two doctors – Taeil and Jungwoo – or women being grossly underrepresented in the job in media, but Xiaojun had automatically assumed it to be a man.

It didn’t really make a difference, but Ten seemed to relax just a little at the realisation it wasn’t a man.

The doctor had come over and shook Taeil’s hand, then turned to check something on a clipboard she was holding.

“Alright. I don’t normally get Hybrids, and these two are the first to come out of the bunch. I read you were a Hybrid doctor yourself?” she looked at Taeil again. Xiaojun felt weirdly left out of the conversation when she talked like he and Ten weren’t there. She hadn’t even greeted them. It was like it had been when he had been little, where the Hybrid doctor wouldn’t talk to him but to his owner, who’d just relay messages like Xiaojun was too dumb to speak for himself.

Back then, he had thought he was.

Now, he knew that was bullshit. He was perfectly capable of voicing his concerns himself.

“Yes, I am.”

“I worry to make a fool of myself.” She laughed. Xiaojun thought she didn’t seem to bad. If only she wasn’t ignoring him…It seemed to become a pattern, first Kun, now the doctor…

“There’s no need to, for a basic physical there’s not much difference.”

“I hope so. Well, let’s get to it, shall we? Down here, please.”

 

Xiaojun followed into a big examination room. It looked just as cold and sterile as outside, not open and friendly how it did at Taeil’s. The computer was on the other side of a desk that stood like a border between doctor and patient.

Clearly, this was nowhere near as great as Taeil’s office. It wasn’t really a surprise. People, generally, weren’t as great as Taeil. That was just a matter of fact.

“The court requires documentation for any possible past physical assault. I know those can be a little tricky to find, but I’m sure we’ll uncover anything that might have been done to them and caused long term damage. I’d prefer to start with a simple visual assessment. Depending on how much I can find or if there are indicators to internal damage we also have many other options that’d help us to go into greater detail.” She explained, still talking to Taeil. Xiaojun felt a little annoyed at this point but kept quiet. Ten ignored her how she ignored him, still staring at the wall.

Xiaojun was sure Taeil would have found internal damage. Other than the two broken ribs he had had when he first came, he didn’t recall anything really being an issue. It was pretty mean to imply he wouldn’t make sure there was nothing wrong. It didn’t exactly make Xiaojun like her any more.

Not to mention, hard to find? That was just absurd, nothing about what the monsters had done to him was hard to find.

“Of course.” Taeil smiled and nodded, not taking any offence where Xiaojun was.

“Which one should go first?” she asked like he was to decide that.

Luckily, Taeil turned to them, looking between Ten and Xiaojun.

Ten looked pale, his ice-blue eyes wide, and Xiaojun felt like it was time to take a page out of his book and be the brave one for once.

It was just a visual examination. He already knew all the places where scars were, he knew what they looked like and that they were just scars. If the doctor needed to look at them, take a picture, and write down they were there because the monsters had put them there, it was going to ultimately, hopefully, benefit him more than the fear was weighing him down right now.

“I can do it if you’d prefer?” Xiaojun offered, and Ten’s face lightened up in so much relief that Xiaojun felt himself sit straighter from just the pride of knowing he had been the reason for that.

 

Xiaojun had to take off his sweater and shirt and sit down on the examination bed. That wasn’t really all too nerve-wracking, and Xiaojun internally patted himself on his back for going first and being able to overcome his unfounded fear once more. Hopefully, this would help Ten battle his own worries!

He didn’t look to see if she was surprised that she’d have no trouble finding signs of abuse. He didn't need that kind of negativity right now. Luckily, she didn’t comment, instead, Doctor Lee proceeded to inspect every discolouration there was on his skin. She pressed down on some, but it didn’t hurt.

Xiaojun just kept still and looked at the picture of a skeleton hung up on the other side of the room. It was kind of creepy, but, in a doctor’s office, it obviously wasn’t meant to be a spooky decoration but informative. So, he used it as a distraction.

If he tried to read the complicated Latin names of bones, his head couldn’t go on a joy ride of self-hatred over things he couldn’t change and had already given the acknowledgement they deserved. He knew the cut under his ribs on the left, the one over his navel, the skin on his wrists that had changed texture from being ripped open by ropes, cuffs, or anything else they had used to restrain him, too many times. It was time to let it go and think of other things, those that actually mattered.

Occasionally, he heard a small sound of surprise from the doctor, but she didn’t say on anything else, just silently took notes and pictures. Once the front was done, he had to turn and she did the same with his back.

Unfortunately, that ended his endeavours into the world of anatomy. On this side, the wall was bare and boring. Like that wasn’t already dampening his mood, there was more damage to his skin, and Xiaojun wasn’t as familiar with it since it was harder to see for himself. Whenever she drew his attention to a blemish he hadn’t expected there to be, he reminded himself it was okay. Just one more medal of bravery.

He was allowed to put his shirt and sweater back on and only had to take off his trousers. Xiaojun wasn’t shy but being allowed to keep his underwear was a barrier of safety he appreciated.

“He has a bite here that looks newer than the other scarring tissue. According to my notes, he has been away from the business in question since late November last year. This looks newer, was it inflicted while he was in your care?”

Xiaojun looked down to where Yangyang’s bite was still red on the skin. It looked sort of funny almost. His legs’ skin was much more even and unblemished then his upper body’s. Not too long ago, to Xiaojun it had still been a nightmare that it suddenly ruined that. Now, he found he couldn’t really take it seriously. It looked like two crescents or like a baby vampire had chosen to try him for dinner. He nearly laughed loudly at the comparison in his head.

“You can ask him, he knows better than me. It’s his body, after all,” Taeil suggested. The woman looked surprised but turned and cleared her throat.

“Right, uh, Xiaojun? This scar here looks newer, did you get bitten recently?”

“Yeah, that’s from the 28th of December, so it was after I came to live with Taeil-Hyung.”

She looked impressed, as if remembering a day was more than the bare minimum, and nodded, before noting it down.

Xiaojun waited for any of his worries to come true, but nothing did. Actually, the whole ordeal was almost boring, in a way. He wasn’t complaining! He knew even a month ago he wouldn’t have been able to bear having every flaw on his skin pointed out and served on a silver platter to him. Now, it was okay. He was okay.

When he pulled his sweatpants back up and tied them secure around his waist, he was in a great mood and flopped down on his chair, immediately butting his head into Taeil’s arm.

It wasn’t his doing. However, Taeil had provided the circumstances for this to be possible. He had not only given him a safe home, but also the surroundings he needed to grow and become this person he was now. A person he had never expected to even be able to become.

Taeil chuckled and gently rubbed his head, while Ten painstakingly slowly peeled off a sweater that was two sizes too big on him (considering Ten already wore his clothing too large), thus was definitely Johnny’s.

Xiaojun assumed Ten was possibly more self-conscious about his back. It’d make sense, the scarring was something else. Xiaojun had never even considered that before. Ten was such an amazing person he didn’t need his looks whatsoever to be valuable, and the scars just spoke of how brave he was.

He probably had the same worries as Xiaojun, who had been told time and time again how these scars weren’t bad and didn’t affect his worth, and who had gotten presented with the comparison to Harry Potter and the title medal for them, yet had struggled to see it. He was still not fully there yet. Ten was maybe on the same journey to self-acceptance.

“Oh my…” the doctor gasped softly when Ten dropped the last layer, not helping the case.

“Should be enough for physical assault, right?” he snapped back, but Xiaojun saw he clung to the sweater he assumed to be Johnny’s like just having a piece of his clothing could give him the strength to get through having to face such a big fear.

“It… it should.”

Xiaojun’s thoughts wandered to Ten’s boyfriend. He wondered how Ten had gotten Johnny to have a crush on him – then again, if anything, it had probably been Johnny having to get Ten to like him. Ten, similarly to Kun, was someone it would be easy to fall in love with – though Xiaojun personally preferred Kun’s gentler and calmer nature over Ten’s sarcasm and sass.

Sarcasm was still hard to understand for him, though he never took Ten’s personally, unlike how it occasionally still happened with other people. He preferred understanding every word and every intention clearly. How he did with Kun.

Unless Kun was playing on his phone and not acknowledging his new haircut, not giving him morning cuddles…

Xiaojun clenched his teeth and quickly stared at the anatomy poster again.

 

It took a while, but finally, Ten was dressed again and the doctor accredited Taeil with taking great care of the two of them, which was weird again because it felt like they weren’t literally right here.

Xiaojun hid in his jacket from the icy wind and grabbed Ten to latch onto, feeling like Ten could probably use a bit of affection to feel better. He wasn’t Johnny, who’d put a smile on Ten’s face with his pure presence and could give strength from only a borrowed sweater, but Xiaojun could try his personal best.

“You’re like a boa, really, or an octopus! Even Jeno hasn’t perfected the cuddling while walking to the degree you have.” Ten laughed and tickled Xiaojun under his chin teasingly.

Xiaojun sighed happily and tried to get closer, which only served in pushing Ten over the sidewalk because he was already pressed against his side. Like last time, Xiaojun didn’t feel the purr build up, he was surprised by the soft vibrations in his chest just as much as Ten.

Unlike Yuta, Ten didn’t comment. He just had this smile on and kept going until the bus arrived at their station and he could no longer stay right next to him.

 

The suspicion, that Kun was ignoring him, seemed to not have been an overreaction but a correct one.

Xiaojun tried to find and talk to him after he had finished work, but he was here and there, and never had time. He wanted to suggest watching the musical he had found, but Kun was arguing with Taeyong over which drama to watch and Xiaojun realised he wouldn’t be interested in an extra event on the side how he usually was on Satudays.

 

When he climbed into bed, after getting the last spot in the bathtub and even Taeyong letting him join not really speeding the process up, he was doing the same thing as yesterday: already looking asleep but not really being.

It wasn’t by chance. Xiaojun had not spent a whole day without getting a single second of attention from Kun ever before today.

[from: Chenle <3] [22:53]

_Sounds pretty spoilt to me._

[to: Chenle <3] [22:53]

_Yeah, but why did he stop? Does he hate me? :(((((((((_

[from: Chenle <3] [22:54]

_Don’t think so._

[to: Chenle <3] [22:55]

_I don’t want to be annoying!!_

_I want to be the opposite of annoying! I want him to like me!!!!_

[from: Chenle <3] [22:55]

_Duh._

_Like, I really wanna help you but I have no clue how this stuff works? D:_

[to: Chenle <3] [22:56]

_Thank you <3_

_I dunno who to ask. ;;;_

[from: Chenle <3] [22:57]

_Well, someone in a relationship? ? ?_

[to: Chenle <3] [22:57]

_Yeah, but whom?_

[from: Chenle <3] [22:57]

_There’s a ton to choose from! :o_

_Ten-Ge?_

[to: Chenle <3] [22:58]

_He’d want to know who the other person is ^^;;;;_

[from: Chenle <3] [22:58]

_Can’t blame him – so would I_

[to: Chenle <3] [22:59]

_I’ll think about it. Thanks anyway._

_See you tomorrow_

[from: Chenle <3] [23:00]

_Sleep tight, with your Kun-Geeee right next to you~~~~~_

Xiaojun turned off his phone and looked over to where Kun was, still sounding like he wasn’t sleeping.

It wasn’t even about the hair anymore. It had stopped being about the hair during lunch when Kun had chosen Guanheng’s side over his. That was when Xiaojun had realised this had to be something else.

Maybe he should actually come up with a plan of action? One that was better than: ‘make Kun-Ge like me back (somehow, not sure how)’?

How did you even make someone notice and like you? In the animal world, there was this thing called courting – humans didn’t call it that, but they surely had an equivalent. Like when the two love-tringle guys gave the girls presents or picked her up from work?

Xiaojun couldn’t pick Kun up from work because of the buddy-system promise. He didn’t have money for presents.

He could write songs, though. And he could cook!

Yeah! That’d work! He’d try and impress Kun with singing and food. Maybe more ear scratches?

Xiaojun pressed his head against the wall, trying to calm himself down. He couldn’t put any of that into action right now – but he would. Starting tomorrow!

If he could get past the Kun-is-ignoring-me-situation…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I mentioned, I'll be gone for 2 days from tomorrow on, so I might not reply to comments and CCs but I will once I'm back ~


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [ Sicheng being a savage](https://twitter.com/milkywinwin/status/1162320291214897152). I swear I lost it when he said that.

Xiaojun woke up, planning to kick into action – only to realise that, without a doubt, Kun was now downright avoiding him.

Actively.

Maybe he thought he was being sneaky about it, each time trying to make it seem it was just by chance he moved away from Xiaojun’s proximity before he could even start doing anything, but he wasn’t.

By the time Xiaojun got bundled up for the cold streets of Seoul, to go to Jisung’s birthday party, he wasn’t sure whether to just go and cry, or jump onto Kun’s back and bite his ear until he finally acknowledged his presence. He was fucking angry and sad at the same time, and he hadn’t gotten morning cuddles for three days in a row, which didn’t help his mood whatsoever.

This immediately following his realisation he had a crush on Kun and the wish to pursue it made it even worse. It hurt to feel like the person he liked was distancing himself and he didn’t even know the reason why.

If Kun didn’t see him like that, if he didn’t think he could ever have a crush on him, that’d be very unpleasant but he wouldn’t be able to help it – but Xiaojun hadn’t told him about any of that yet. There was absolutely no reason he could think of, that’d justify this cold behaviour.

“Seriously, Xiaojun, what’s bitten you? I’ve been meaning to ask all day, but I was scared you’d punch me and I didn’t want Taeyong-Hyung to have to see that.” Guanheng asked, the second they stepped outside, closing the door behind themselves.

“Harhar.” Xiaojun crossed his arms and stared at the asphalt in front of him.

“Please don’t fight, I don’t like that either.” Jeno whispered.

“I wasn’t going to,” Xiaojun announced. If anyone, it was Kun who deserved a punch but that wouldn’t solve anything.

“So, spill it, what got your panties in a twist?” Guanheng nudged Xiaojun.

“My underwear is perfectly straight, thank you.”

“Unlike yourself.” Jeno giggled.

“It’s just an expression and I know you already knew that. Stop avoiding the question!” Guanheng poked a finger into Xiaojun’s waist, but he was set on not telling anything. He needed to ask someone reliable about crushes and how to make them like you back, and, first and foremost, to make them stop ignoring you. These two were anything but the reliable, wise source he was imagining in his head.

“None of your fucking business.”

“Hyung, we were just wanting to help you feel better.” Jeno tried.

Xiaojun huffed, “Well, then get Kun-Hyung to stop fucking ignoring me.”

“Aha!” Guanheng triumphantly exclaimed.

“He’s been ignoring you?” Jeno blinked big puppy eyes.

“Yeah. Since Friday. I don’t know, it sucks!”

Guanheng and Jeno exchanged a glance, before breaking into matching grins.

“Well, obviously I’m not an expert, but you should talk to him.”

“I tried, but I can’t even get close to him! Did he say anything that he was mad with me?” Xiaojun felt tears well up in his eyes. He didn’t remember doing anything wrong, but maybe he had accidentally? Was he not even noticing?

“Yeah, no, he’s not mad with you.” Guanheng denied.

“Did he say so?” Xiaojun sniffed, looking up at him with hope.

“Not directly. But the context I overheard it from made it clear there was another issue.”

“There’s an issue?” Xiaojun felt his blood run cold, overthinking everything that could have gone wrong.

Oh no.

The situation at the court’s park!

“Oh my god, it’s because I nearly hit that sleek businessman when I knew I wasn’t supposed to!”

“What?” Jeno breathed.

“Now you’re just reaching.” Guanheng groaned.

“But that was super not-progressive and good-person-like. Johnny-Hyung had to hold me back or I would have done it because that asshole made such absolutely outrageous comments towards Kun-Hyung and clearly made him more than uncomfortable!” Xiaojun felt anger through his tears just thinking back.

“Yeah, no, I really don’t think that’s the issue.”

“I’ll have to go talk to him the second we come home and explain it won’t happen again!”

“Are you even listening?”

“Thank you so much for helping me to figure that out!”

Guanheng looked at Xiaojun while softly shaking his head, but that was fine. Guanheng hadn’t been there when it had happened. If he had, he’d realise that was a completely reasonable point to get angry with Xiaojun over.

Now he’d only have to figure out how to talk to Kun about it and hope he’d forgive him and go back to not-ignoring him.

 

Before any of that, there was a birthday party to attend and a trip through half the city, from Gangnam to Hongdae. Hongdae was a good place for fun activities, better than their home district which was often a little too posh and too expensive. Xiaojun felt a bit sad Yukhei wasn’t picking them up in his cool car, but there were simply too many of them, they wouldn’t fit.

The farther from home they got, the more often Guanheng looked up and down the subway wagon, they were on.

“Hyung, we won’t run into him.” Jeno softly said, when Guanheng poked his head around the corners in the subway station, checking before he hurried to follow Jeno and Xiaojun.

“Yeah, but what if?”

“Then you’ll ignore him, how he ignored you.”

Guanheng frowned and checked the next corner again.

“Uhm, who? Who could we run into?” Xiaojun carefully asked. The behaviour was similar to what Kun had done like he expected someone to jump him out of the blue.

“My ex-owner.” Guanheng muttered, “I don’t know for sure where he lives, but I think it’s at least close. He sometimes took me when he went out with his friends, just to show off a bit. It was always in this area and not that far from home. This is also where he… got rid of me. I ran into him during Chenle’s birthday party. Well, not ran into. But I saw him, which was bad enough.”

“Oh.” Xiaojun wasn’t sure how much Guanheng didn’t want to ever see the man again, but if it was anything close to how reluctant to he was, he hoped they’d not even catch a glimpse of his scarf.

 

It seemed they were in luck. Without seeing any stupid humans that’d abandon their Hybrids to get rid of them, they arrived at the sports arena Jisung had chosen to celebrate at and once they were inside, Guanheng relaxed.

Xiaojun was surprised to see there were more humans than only the boy, Yoonjun, from last time. They all looked a similar age and chatted amicably. Jisung, Chenle, and Yangyang were in their midst and waved them over to be introduced.

Not feeling particularly safe between so many strange humans, Xiaojun stuck to Jeno.

It was a little hard to keep track of everyone. Especially the names. Most were immediately lost the second he heard them, but luckily, it was completely incident-free. None of the human kids was bothered by the number of Hybrids.

Surely, Jisung wouldn’t be friends with them if they would belittle him.

_“So, what about Kun-Ge?”_ Chenle softly asked, while Yukhei counted and concluded everyone had arrived and they started filing into the actual arena, passing the changing rooms first.

_“Urgh, it’s the worst.”_

_“Why?”_

_“I know he’s avoiding me for sure.”_ Xiaojun heard his voice tremble a little from how upset he was over the situation. _“It was so obvious. And it sucks. But I also think I know why and… I think it’s kind of understandable he’d be angry with me? Remember on Thursday, when Kun-Ge was upset over that asshole?”_

_“Yeah, sure.”_ They had arrived at the locker space, where they were supposed to leave shoes, scarfs, hats, and jackets behind.

_“I kinda lost myself in my anger management issues and nearly punched that man,”_ Xiaojun muttered while squeezing his clothes into the locker. _“I’m sure he’s disappointed or mad. Rightfully so, that wasn’t good. I’m sure that’s why he’s been avoiding me.”_

_“Ah, I wish I had been there to see that. Honestly, I can’t imagine you go off like that.”_

_“It’s embarrassing.”_

_“Okay, sorry, I didn’t want to make it seem like you were the circus just… it’s kinda badass?”_

_“But it’s not,”_ Xiaojun muttered and the locker beeped shut.

_“Listen, I get it’s not the gentleman’s way, but some people don’t deserve the gentleman’s way. You don’t have to be a cute and nice person 24/7. Which is also why I have doubts Kun-Ge’s really upset about that.”_

_“But why else would he be avoiding me? I can’t think of anything else I would have messed up.”_

_“Yeah, I really don’t know either.”_ Chenle frowned. They joined the crowd to get into the hall, where trampolines, climbing walls, and everything you could imagine was supposed to be awaiting them. _“Maybe he’s not mad? Maybe there’s another reason?”_

_“Yeah, but what would that be?”_

Chenle puffed his cheeks and shrugged.

_“I really don’t know! Hey, how about you try and forget about him for now? You can just have a good time and figure it out later?”_

_“Yeah.”_ Xiaojun nodded.

“Ladies, gentlemen, and non-confirming folks. I believe you all have your cards?” Yukhei bellowed over the excited mass of kids, waving one of the cardboard cut-outs they had gotten handed before going inside. “There are 20 obstacle courses for you to master as quickly as you physically can! The friendly staff will take your time and write it down on here after. Whoever ends up with the lowest overall score will be crowned the winner of Sungie’s birthday party. May the odds be in your favour.”

With a war cry, most of the guests (and the birthday boy) ran past Yukhei into the huge hall stretching on.

Xiaojun took a second to look around. There was pop music blasting from speakers, some other people climbing through the different courses.

It looked fun.

“God, this is exhausting already.” Someone whined next to him.

Xiaojun turned his head and saw Donghyuck yawn widely.

“You’re just a lazy bum!” Chenle announced, vibrating out of his skin and tugging Xiaojun’s hand.

“Will you be okay alone?” Xiaojun asked, realising it was only the three of them left.

“Obviously. I’ll find a nice bench to nap on.” Donghyuck looked around.

“Can you believe being this lame?” Chenle cackled, but Donghyuck looked wholly unbothered, so Xiaojun decided to leave him to his own devices.

He was excited and maybe a little eager to see how well he could do.

 

When it came to anything involving climbing and balancing, Xiaojun would be good at it. His instincts supported his actions and his tail helped his control. He easily completed courses, and he apparently got quite good times, often faster than Chenle.

Xiaojun was having fun, and it was even more fun to realise he was doing well.

A shy bud of competitivity raised its head. It wasn’t serious to the point of Xiaojun being so set on winning he was trying to risk anything in favour of making a better time, but it was just the small excitement of feeling like maybe he’d rank high in the end.

 

Donghyuck had actually made true of his announcement. He was fast asleep between the mess, curled up on a bench.

 

Most courses had queues in front of them, which gave them a small break between. Xiaojun liked to cool off a little and recover his strength. After having finished nearly half, he was starting to feel his arms ache and his movements get slower already. He didn’t want to give up yet.

He should maybe take the basketball training more seriously in the future, and not allow himself so many breaks when Chenle taught him.

Other than helping Xiaojun to even out his breathing and stretch his muscle a bit, it was a chance to catch up with someone else in line or compare times.

“Hey,” Xiaojun looked over his shoulder, to see Doyeon and Yukhei behind them, freshly arrived. They were holding hands and were wearing matching t-shirts. It was cute. Doyeon had her hair in a bun and both had a sheen of sweat over her face. They looked like they were glowing, straight from an Adidas commercial.

“Hyung, show your times!” Chenle immediately demanded, tugging on Yukhei’s arm, who laughed. His cheeks were tinted pink from the activity and his curly hair was amess. If Chenle already looked this bad, Xiaojun could imagine what state he was currently in. Definitely not commercial material.

“I wish they were worse, so you’d stand a chance.” Yukhei held it out. Chenle narrowed his eyes on the card, and almost immediately groaned.

“What a show-off.”

“Hey, I can’t help it I’m good.”

“Of course, baby.” Doyeon patted his arm and Yukhei flexed here she was touching, a broad grin spreading on his face.

This was the support Xiaojun had hoped to get for his hair from Kun. It was so stupid to keep mulling and moping over it, but he couldn’t help it. Anew frustration over Kun continuously ignoring him spread in his chest and wouldn’t leave over Doyeon and Yukhei being sweet with each other.

“So, the fur on your tail does get tangled.”

Xiaojun snapped back to reality.

“Yes, it does.” He looked over his shoulder to see his tail, relatively calm behind himself, but definitely with tangled fur – it was unavoidable when running and climbing, making it move all directions.

“I was always kind of wondering that because it seemed to be downright magically smooth at all times.” Doyeon smiled.

“Ah, thank you.” Xiaojun felt his heart pick a little, still not quite used to getting complimented on his looks in a way that felt good, but definitely happy over it.

“Do you use hair products on it? How does that work? I wanted to help Jisung with his since he’s not all that into any sort of care routine and his tail easily turns into a felt mat.” She seemed genuinely curious. Xiaojun was surprised to be asked about such a seemingly mundane and irrelevant issue, but it was a daily struggle and he was somewhat happy his efforts were acknowledged. If it’d benefit Jisung – even better!

“Yeah, I use conditioner and we have this really good leave-in spray to make it easier to comb. I’ve only been using it since Jaehyun-Hyung told me about it a bit ago. He has long fur, too, so that’s why he knows stuff. It helps it not tangle as much, though I still have to brush it twice a day. You can’t do without that. It’s really something I envy shorthair Hybrids of.”

“But it’s really pretty and silky, I can tell you take good care of it.”

Xiaojun felt his face grow hotter than it already was. Now, that was a compliment over something he did, not something he was born with. Those were the best! “Thank you.”

“Do you know the leave-in conditioner’s name? Since you mentioned Jaehyun, he’s a dog Hybrid, isn’t he? So, it’s safe for dogs, too?”

“Yeah, it’s good for all types of long and fluffy fur. There are also different scents.” Xiaojun grew more excited over conditioner than he thought would be reasonable, but it was just so great to be asked about it and be able to share his experience.

He didn’t even notice when it was their turn to get into the course until Chenle nudged him.

 

By the time Xiaojun only had two tasks on his card left to do and long lost Chenle to a fight in the ball-pool, Donghyuck seemed to have concluded his napping.

“Hey, smile for the photo, I’ll send Kun-Hyung a picture.” He suddenly popped up next to where Xiaojun was waiting in line with Jaemin, holding up his phone with the front camera already opened and showing Xiaojun’s surprised face on the screen.

“Kun-Hyung? Why him?” he immediately bristled. He had effectively forgotten about him after the small slip up earlier. Hearing that Donghyuck, out of everyone, would be in touch while he was being ignored annoyed him to no end. He got it, Kun was probably mad with him, but texting with Donghyuck? He and Kun didn’t even spend a lot of time together! Why did he get attention while Xiaojun had barely seen the tip of Kun’s tail all day?

“Smile.” Jaemin reminded and squeezed his face between Xiaojun’s and Donghyuck’s.

Xiaojun forced himself to grimace into the camera, but it looked strained, his face was sweaty and not cute at all, and his hair messy from the climbing. Donghyuck seemed unbothered and proceeded to type at lightning speed.

His frustration with himself and the situation mixed with ugly jealousy.

“You didn’t answer.” He pointed out, tapping Donghyuck’s arm.

“Hm? What?”

“Why are you writing Kun-Hyung?”

“Oh, no special reason, just letting everyone know what we’re up to. Why? Are you jealous?”

Xiaojun couldn’t answer because he was ashamed to admit it out loud. Donghyuck’s face turned into the overly knowing, mischievous grin again.

It made him really want to punch him. Actually, he wanted to punch Kun, or himself.

Himself for messing up when he had just figured out his feelings for Kun, and Kun for not talking to him! Why was he not giving him a chance to understand what he had done wrong? This was Kun, for fuck’s sake, Kun always knew, why did he seem to cut Xiaojun off the understanding and patience when he just had figured out how much he loved Kun for it?

He really had tried to be mature and calm.

But Kun had been scared! Xiaojun couldn’t have watched!

Kun had even hugged him after and laughed when Xiaojun had told him he’d keep him safe and it had been amazing, he had felt like he had been walking of clouds!

He had only done it because he cared so much for Kun, he liked him so much.

Why? Why did he not give him a chance to explain, why did he run away and punish Xiaojun with this cold treatment?

In his stomach, the anger with himself mixed with anger over Kun’s reaction, however understandable it may be. Xiaojun fucking missed their conversations, and he missed his morning cuddles, and he missed Kun’s green eyes!

The timing was good because the stop they had been waiting at required you to punch the machine that’d measure the force you used and put it into numbers, which in turn would give you a deduction on your overall time.

With a yell containing all his pent up aggression, Xiaojun smashed the target. The machine beeped happily and the three digited number went up and up.

“533, is that good?” he turned to Jaemin, who had gone before. Jaemin’s jaw was hanging open, his bicoloured eyes wide and on the machine.

“Yeah, pretty good. Look, it shows you broke the record of the day.” Donghyuck shrugged.

 

In the end, even the time deduction didn’t help Xiaojun win, but it was fine. Coming in fifth was very good in his books!

It was good enough to forget about Kun for a little.

 

It wouldn’t be a Yukhei-organised birthday party if it wasn’t concluded with coma-inducing amounts of food.

Jisung was a big fan of meat – which wasn’t anything new. To cater to that, they were getting Korean barbecue. Xiaojun had seen it on TV a lot, it was extremely popular, but there hadn’t been any occasion to try it.

_“I can’t believe you haven’t had Korean barbecue before. We might have to sue Taeil-Ge.”_ Chenle shook his head as he pulled his bag from the locker.

_“What? No, we can’t!”_

_“I’m just kidding. But I swear, you’ll be in for a treat, I could live off barbecue only for the rest of my life and be happy. Okay, maybe some sweets would also be good to have on the side. But if it was a choice of life and death, it’d be barbecue. Or Hot Pot? Oh, Hot Pot is also really good. Urgh, no Kimchi fried rice… Ramen… ah, can’t decide.”_

_“You don’t have to, don’t worry.”_

_“Thank god. That’d be terrible!”_

As per Yukhei’s suggestion, Xiaojun had brought a change of clothing and seeing how sweaty the obstacle courses had left him, he was glad he had done so.

You could even shower at the changing rooms, but none of them did.

Most of the boys didn’t even bother stepping into the cubicles, just switching their clothes in front of their lockers and flexing some lean muscle to each other. The odd show of dominance was topped off with a lot of Axe body spray that made Xiaojun’s nose feel numb.

He glanced around. There were a few too many humans here. No matter how nice, he didn’t feel comfortable with them seeing him.

It was just a lingering suspicion someone might get… ideas. Especially since they weren’t shy to check each other out and loudly comment when someone had enough definition to their stomach to call it a six-pack.

Xiaojun got it was in good spirit and none of the other Hybrids seemed to be bothered either, not even Guanheng.

He would be. He would very much be, he felt nauseous just considering someone might be dragging their eyes down his body to assess his looks.

There was no way he’d risk that.

_“Chenle, wanna go to a cabin to change?”_ Xiaojun softly asked.

_“Together?”_ Chenle looked surprised.

_“The buddy system, you know? If you don’t want to, that’s okay. I can ask Jeno.”_ Xiaojun glanced over to where Jeno was trying to make his arms look like more than leeks. In comparison to the other boys’, whose might barely qualify as green onions, he actually stood out positively.

_“No need, I’ve got you.”_ Chenle grinned and picked up his change of clothes.

 

Chenle had been right. Barbecue was a contender for the spot of only-food-needed.

It further soothed Xiaojun in his lingering heartbreak over the cold treatment from Kun and appeased the monster of jealousy in his tummy.

 

Momentarily.

 

The second they were back home, he unwrapped himself from the layers of clothing at lightning speed.

He’d take full responsibility and explain why he hadn’t been able to see Kun get hurt, preferable without telling him about his crush, and then he had to hope for the best.

He’d stay calm and mature and show he was crush-and-potential-boyfriend-material.

Actually, Xiaojun wasn’t sure he could actually do it. He was incredibly nervous in an unpleasant way, his palms sweaty and hands shaky. He wouldn’t know what to do if Kun wasn’t ready to make up. He had only just realised his crush, his make-Kun-fall-in-love-plan hadn’t even been put properly into action, it couldn’t already be ruined!

Not to mention, he was annoyed with Kun for how he had been treated and Xiaojun had little confidence in his ability to calm himself.

The potential to fuck up royally was endless and there was a lot at stake:

He couldn’t sleep if there was no Kun there, even not being able to cuddle sucked, but if his bed was suddenly empty and cold? What about the musicals, who’d watch them with him? Kun’s beautiful singing, Xiaojun didn’t want to not have that!

Not to mention all his gentle and kind words – Xiaojun felt tears rise just thinking about having to get to terms with never hearing them again.

But there was only one option how to do this, and it needed to be done. The uncertainty and sadness over going ignored were worse than the fear of being denied forgiveness. He had to talk about it.

_“Kun-Ge, wait!”_ Xiaojun caught Kun’s sleeve just before he could conveniently slip from the hallway, into which he had fled upon seeing Xiaojun return from the birthday party.

Kun turned, looking at him with wide eyes, and Xiaojun’s heart immediately began hammering in his chest again.

It had only been two days, but it felt longer since Kun had looked at him, only him. The words got stuck in his throat for a second, but he managed to clear it and remember what he wanted to ask.

_“Please, can we talk? I-I think I know what I did wrong, please give me a chance to apologise.”_

_“What?”_  Kun whispered.

Did he think it was absurd Xiaojun thought he even deserved to be listened to? Had he underestimated the level of fuck-up?

_“Please, I really, I need to explain, I… I can’t…”_ Xiaojun felt the first tear run down his cheek.

He couldn’t stand Kun being mad with him, he couldn’t stand not having the chance to be forgiven. It felt worse than realising he had made a mistake had ever felt before because this was Kun, the person he liked and who made his heart race. He didn’t even feel angry or like punching him anymore, he just wanted to be listened to.

_“Xiaojun.”_ Kun softly muttered and stepped closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and gently pulling him along into their room. He closed the door securely behind themselves. Xiaojun wanted to hug back, hook his fingers into Kun’s clothing, nuzzle his head against him and never let go. Kun’s scent and his gentle hold made him feel right at home.

He didn’t dare to, too scared to break this moment that felt so fragile to him when he didn’t even know what was going on.

Once they had settled on the bed, Kun let go of him and Xiaojun straightened up, ready to explain himself, but Kun spoke first.

_“Urgh, you’re… I’m not mad with you!”_ Xiaojun’s words died on his tongue and he blicked through his tears, trying to process that.

_“No? But-but you avoided me.”_

_“Ha… yeah… I thought that had been subtle?”_

_“But… but it wasn’t subtle at all!”_

_“Well…”_ Kun scratched his head. Xiaojun was so confused, he couldn’t let him look for words. Confused and kind of… pissed.

_“Why did you do it if you weren’t mad? You-you didn’t say anything about my hair and, and you didn’t cuddle with me and… I hated it, it was the worst! I thought you were mad because I was out of line with the man in the park when Johnny-Ge had to step in.”_ he felt new tears rise in his eyes. It still seemed pretty grave a situation to him, it’d be justifiable to be mad.

If it wasn’t, why had Kun done that? He had felt awful and frustrated and jealous – and hadn’t even done anything wrong? He couldn’t quite believe Kun would make him feel bad when he hadn’t even made a mistake!

_“No! Oh my god, why would you think that?”_

_“B-because violence is not the answer and it’s a bad pattern to fall into?”_ Xiaojun knew that, but he still really felt like punching Kun right now.

_“Okay, yeah, that’s true, but he really was out of line. I would have punched him if I… if I hadn’t literally been completely useless.”_ Kun dropped his head onto his hands and Xiaojun felt his eyes widen as he realised he had been at the right point to look for the issue but came to the wrong conclusion where it laid.

Just like that, his anger over being ignored dissolved. Of course, Kun wouldn’t have done it on purpose or to hurt him.

_“You weren’t useless, you were just scared because he said these things, anyone could get scared by such threats.”_

_“Yeah, but I overreacted. I went back to think about it; I should have had more pride and confidence and I didn’t, you had to talk back on my behalf and the more I think about it, the worse it looks!”_ He had noticed, even back then, that Kun seemed to expect nothing but perfection from himself and wasn’t willing to let himself slip up even the slightest.

He just would have never expected Kun to take it this much to heart. In Xiaojun’s head, the situation had been taken care of and there wouldn’t be any need to mull it over… or… well, hadn’t he done the same thing? Just with a different matter?

_“But you don’t have to always react reasonably. You just said it wasn’t so bad I wanted to punch him, you should allow yourself to overreact if you couldn’t help it in the situation.”_

_“No, I’m older than you and I’ve been working on this since forever, I should be over it by now and handle my own situations. I should have myself in check.”_ Xiaojun remembered being slightly overwhelmed when he had realised Kun had been scared and insecure, but only for a moment. Then, he had wanted to protect him how Kun protected him.

He still wanted to.

_“You put too much pressure on yourself, Ge. So what, if it takes longer to overcome? I’m sure there’s a good reason, and I didn’t feel burdened at all. On the contrary! Everyone here does so much for me, you do so, so, so much for me. I could give back!”_

_“Still, I feel so embarrassed for being so weak.”_

_“But I don’t even see how you were? You were just scared the moment it happened and that rude man spewed his bullshit. After, you didn’t even accept Guanheng’s offer when you easily could have and everyone would have understood. You had that pride you said you didn’t. You said they could suck it, seriously, that was so hot, I really wanted to kiss you for that.”_

Xiaojun spoke the words and immediately realised his mistake.

But it was too late.

Kun’s head snapped up from where he had been avoiding Xiaojun, his eyes wide for reasons entirely different than before.

“ _W-what?”_ A pink tinge spread over his cheeks, letting Xiaojun know he had understood just fine but didn’t believe his ears.

Xiaojun internally panicked.

Was there any way to get out of this? Was there any reason to kiss people, other than having huge crushes on them?

Unlikely. Not to mention, that’d be lying.

His not-so-amazing plan, to make Kun fall in love with him through singing and cooking before confessing, flew out the window in his head. He didn’t lie and he wasn’t going to start now.

With the blush on his face, Kun looked weirdly cute and the idea to kiss him rose its head in Xiaojun’s thoughts once more. His heartbeat was loud in his ears, but he was sure of this.

_“I’d like to kiss you. I have a crush on you.”_ Xiaojun repeated, his voice much steadier than he had expected it to be. There. It was out!

Kun stared, but didn’t say anything, he wasn’t even moving. Xiaojun felt dread sink in his stomach, his heartbeat accelerating the longer he had to wait. He started to wonder if he should have maybe faked having to go to the bathroom and escaped the question. A small white lie to buy himself more time?

Oh god, why had he not stuck to his plan? Now he had messed up this one chance a confession gave him. There weren’t even flowers or a romantic sunset, nothing!

He should have asked Ten, or Taeyong, or Taeil, or Doyoung, or anyone, there were so many people in relationships he could have asked for advice, yet here he was. Xiaojun hadn’t blamed his dumb head for ruining his dreams in some time, but today, more than ever, he hated his dumb head for fucking things up for him. Why was he so stubborn and hadn’t just admitted he had a crush on Kun to someone who could have given him good advice?

Jungwoo had said something about skipped stages. Xiaojun felt like he had jumped so many stages, he was currently in free fall.

_“Uh, I’ll just go and… yeah, that’d probably be good.”_ Xiaojun got off the bed to go literally anywhere, far away from this embarrassment he had just brought upon himself. God, what had he been thinking? Back then, when he had first really thought about crushes, the others had called it cool Hyungs, who don’t see them as anything other than cute juniors.

Of course, Kun would see Xiaojun like that, like a ‘little one’. Obviously, he wouldn’t have the same feelings.

If only he was a bit older, a bit cooler, a bit less a cry-baby, a bit more confident. If only he was someone Kun would ever have a crush on!

Suddenly, his hand was grabbed and he was pulled back onto the bed. The world shifted around him as he tumbled onto the mattress, where he landed with a small yelp.

He blinked up at Kun’s face, right above him, his green eyes more piercing than ever, focussed only on him. Kun’s face was still a little flushed, his hair falling around it to frame it perfectly.

He was beautiful.

Both inside an out, with all the new sides that were slowly starting to show. They didn’t take away from his angelic personality and his striking visuals, only added to them.

How could he ever not have a crush on Kun? How could he ever not like him?

Xiaojun heard blood rush louder in his ears the longer they stared at each other, the more he thought about how badly he wanted to kiss Kun, and how much he liked him and relied on him, but how much he also wanted Kun to rely on himself in turn and not be embarrassed over that and hide.

And Kun was looking at him, only him, for just as long as Xiaojun was. He looked into Xiaojun’s eyes like he could read him like a book, he let them roam over his face like he was taking in every detail, even curve and edge here was. Xiaojun wasn’t scared, he wasn’t self-conscious even though his hair was probably not covering his scar. Kun already knew it was there. It was part of Xiaojun and he couldn’t change it, so, he wanted to be accepted with it – and it looked like Kun did because his eyes never lingered there. They only came to a halt staring at his lips, and Xiaojun swallowed.

_“Was that an invitation?”_ Kun whispered. He was so close Xiaojun felt his breath ghost over his lips. His whole body felt like it was set aflame from Kun’s touch, his head spinning from such a simple question. But the answer was easy:

_“Yeah.”_

Kun looked at him for another moment, or maybe an hour, or a day. It felt like time had stopped and all there was, were Kun’s eyes on him. But it hadn’t really. Kun was coming closer, slow enough to pull away or to go insane.

Xiaojun felt their lips brush.

His eyes fell shut, allowing him to only focus on the moment and how it seemed to send sparks through his body. He could tell how soft Kun’s lips were, he could smell that special scent only he carried, and he heard his own heart thundering in his ears.

It was like balancing on a small line, always on the edge of falling, yet felt so comfortable and safe.

It was shy at first, barely worth the name kiss. Like Kun was scared to break him. Still overwhelmed by the moment, Xiaojun barely managed to tangle his free hand in Kun’s sweater. He didn’t want Kun to feel timid when there was no reason to worry. He wanted to let him know how he felt, how amazing and safe and taken care of.

It was unlike anything before. It was a rush. All his senses were attuned to Kun, he felt the warmth of his body radiate off him, especially where he was still holding his hand, their skin directly touching.

It almost felt like a firework in Xiaojun’s chest.

Carefully, he moved his lips against Kun’s, kissing back as good as he knew how.

Suddenly, it all made sense why this was celebrated as something so great and amazing. It just needed to be with the right person! This was the right person, he knew for sure. It wasn’t gross and slippery, it was a touch both gentle and overwhelming.

He didn’t want it to quickly be over with, on the contrary, he never wanted to stop!

So, he kept giving more, but he realised he was falling apart under Kun, who seemed to so expertly make Xiaojun’s every thought focus on him and only him. He was unable to remember anything else and unable to pay attention to his own actions, letting Kun take full control. It wasn’t scary. It only felt good, amazing, wonderful.

Xiaojun wasn’t sure who pulled away first, probably Kun as the one maybe still with a grip on reality while he was in such a rush of endorphins he didn’t care. Kun stared down at him, his cheeks tinted even deeper now, his eyes focussing like Xiaojun was the only person in the world.

_“You drive me insane, literally insane,”_ Kun whispered but didn’t even wait for Xiaojun to complain before kissing him again, but this time it was Xiaojun to break it.

Why was Kun going insane? He was the one being ignored, Xiaojun was the one going insane!

_“Why? I didn’t ignore you out of a sudden.”_

_“I didn’t… I just didn’t know what to do! I’m so sorry! You make me not know what to do! You’re precious and adorable one moment, then intimidating and fearless the next. I try to keep up with you, but you’re like a hurricane hitting my emotions and making my heart race. And then you just sit there and say you have a crush on me. I’ll lose my freaking mind! I was stressing over being a disappointment and you didn’t even think twice about what I thought to be this huge thing.”_

_“It just… made it even better? To see I could be there for you, too? You’re always so kind and caring, you always take care of my mess, you even know my problems before I do.”_

Xiaojun tugged on Kun’s sweater, pulling him closer to kiss him again. He couldn’t get enough of this. To think Kun had worried about impressing him, that Xiaojun was the reason why Kun’s heart would be pounding and Kun would feel this rush of emotions that made Xiaojun unable to sleep, made him nearly dizzy.

_“It does?”_ Kun asked, but Xiaojun didn’t let him get away, immediately closing the distance between them again.

_“Yeah,”_

_“Thank god,”_ Kun placed another kiss on Xiaojun’s lips.

Xiaojun had already bared his flaws, he understood how it felt. But he also knew how it felt to be accepted regardless. Kun would hopefully learn that, too. To Xiaojun, it didn’t matter what Kun might trouble, at least not to his feelings. That didn’t mean he didn’t want to get to know Kun better and find out what else there was to him.

It was like studying a subject, the more you dug, the more you found and the more you got enthralled. 

 

He had lost track of time, but eventually, Kun flopped down on the bed next to him. Xiaojun’s lips felt tingly and a bit swollen from all the kissing, and his hair was a mess where he had rubbed over the mattress, but he felt good, comfortable, happy.

“ _So, uh, would you like to go on a date, uh, or something?”_ Kun asked, turning his head to look at Xiaojun. His lips were darker than normal, matching his pink face.

_“I’d love to. And if you ignore me because you get stuck in your head I will not be as forgiving!”_

_“I’m really sorry. I failed to communicate. I’ll make sure to warn myself not to mess with me from now on.”_

_“You better.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)
> 
> Me in Moon Diamon: Wow, 100k to the first kiss, crazy, a record!  
> Me in Lion Heart: Hold my beer.
> 
> I bet you thought you’d have to wait for longer, though, didn’t you?


	26. Chapter 26

_“Xiaojun.”_

There was a voice that did not fit the peaceful nothingness of dreamless sleeping Xiaojun was experiencing.

_“Xiaojun.”_

He liked the tone it had, it was gentle, soft, but it still bothered his sleep.

_“Please let go of my pants, I really cannot leave without them.”_

Leave? No one was leaving on his watch! Xiaojun tugged on the source of warmth and a strangled grunt came from it. He flopped on top to secure it in his bed, making sure there was no way out.

He was almost back to deep sleep when someone started tickling under his chin.

Trying to ignore it failed. It was running over his skin and body, and Xiaojun was pulled into consciousness.

_“Mmm, stoooop,”_ he whined and forced his eyes open.

_“Please let me get up, Xiaojun, I have to work.”_

Xiaojun sighed deeply. Why did the cruel reality of Monday have to kick his butt?

The bed shook a little, and Yuta hopped off the ladder, stretching his arms over his head with a yawn. He turned their direction and nodded, before turning to his wardrobe and picking the upmost white things, leaving with them over his arm to shower.

The second the door closed, Xiaojun turned his head and pressed a kiss on Kun’s cheek.

The other’s fingers came up to touch where he had placed it, cheeks flushing a little. _“Is that going to be a thing?”_

_“I could be.”_ Xiaojun butted his head into Kun’s chest, fully seizing every second he got before Kun would inevitable be a responsible adult and get up.

_“I’d like that,”_ Kun whispered and threaded his fingers into Xiaojun’s hair, gently scratching over his scalp.

Xiaojun wasn’t sure how to do this whole dating thing. He knew, generally, you went to do fun, maybe romantic, things for dates and the third date was the one you’d have sex. He’d have to wait and see if he turned out to want to do that or not. Both could be the case, he had read a lot on the internet but ultimately learnt everyone’s experience was different.

It was all just suggestions anyway. This whole sharing a bed thing wasn’t something included in most people’s dating, so, why should anything else follow a certain pattern?

Xiaojun wasn’t shocked by his own body’s reaction anymore when he felt the purr start to vibrate in his chest, the soft sound filling the room. It was just so comfortable with Kun.

However, the amazing petting abruptly stopped and Xiaojun looked up what was going on.

_“Did you just purr?”_

_“Y-yeah.”_

_“Oh my god!”_ Kun all but squeaked and started littering small kisses over Xiaojun’s forehead, down his cheek, until he could kiss him full on the lips.

Xiaojun was surprised by the reaction, but he immediately felt the firework in his chest from Kun’s kiss.

_“I was hoping you’d eventually do.”_

_“Y-you were?”_

_“Of course. I wanted to make you feel so comfortable you would.”_

_“Oh, I actually did before, I just… held it in.”_

_“I… I assumed so. So I made an even bigger effort to try.”_

_“Oh. Sorry that, uh, I’ve been able to do it for a few days now.”_ Xiaojun felt a bit regretful over Kun’s effort having gone to waste. It hadn’t been planned or anything, nor did his purring lose worth just because Kun hadn’t been the one first getting to hear it. It simply could have been nice. _“But there were no morning cuddles, sooo…”_

_“I’m sorry. I’ll make it up to you. Not that you even had a reason to be sorry. You should feel comfortable with everyone, not only with me. However, this…”_ Kun leaned forward and kissed Xiaojun once more, helping to blow away all the moping over not having given Kun this moment, _“Only I get to do.”_

He leaned back and all but smirked down at Xiaojun, who felt like his heart stopped for a very small moment.

 

Kun’s slick grin after the last words kept floating around Xiaojun’s head all day.

 

It kept popping up as he tried to understand the difference between plant and animal cells, making him scream in frustration and ruffle his hair because not a single thing would stick. His bain was busy trying to compute Kun and his over-confident smile that wouldn’t quite fit with anything he had so far known about the other, but had been so.incredibly.hot.

“Really, it’s not that hard, here, let’s look at it differently again.” Doyoung patiently explained, before re-approaching the topic.

 

It was there when he waddled into Yixing’s office, and it returned the moment he was back to being able to focus on the present.

 

“ **Seriously, this is the second day in a row that you’re super weird.** ” Guanheng crossed his arms when Xiaojun sunk into himself on the bus stop.

“ **I’m not.”**

**“You literally walked into a wall two minutes ago. Is this still about Kun-Go? Was he ignoring you not about you being the knight in shining armour?”**

**“What are you even talking about? But yeah. It’s still about him.”** Xiaojun sighed deeply.

**“Wait, he wasn’t actually mad at you, right?”**

**“No, he wasn’t. How come you made me think he was when you didn’t believe it yourself?”** Xiaojun looked up, feeling a little betrayed. Not dramatically, not in a way that’d ruin his trust, but just enough to be petty.

**“I?** ” Guanheng gasped, waving his arms dramatically, **“I didn’t make you think that! Your stubborn ass didn’t listen to me!”**

**“Oh.”** Xiaojun realised he might not only have some anger management issues, but also stubbornness ones. It was a new revelation after yesterday.

**“Yeah, oh. So, did you talk? Did you realise it was another thing entirely? Did you clear things up and will be happily ever after now? When’s the wedding?”**

**“The what?”** Xiaojun squeaked. He wasn’t sure he felt ready to tell anyone other than Chenle having a crush in the first place, and even Chenle he hadn’t informed about the recent development.

It was all too uncertain. Xiaojun hoped it’d work out, and that it’d work out how it’d fit for both him and Kun.

Involving someone else held the risk of expectations growing.

There was a chance, a very slight, unfortunate one, that it’d not work out. Xiaojun wasn’t too pessimistic, he tried to not let negative thoughts overwhelm him and make the whole relationship waver before it could even take off. Just being realistic, he had to remember nothing was set in stone yet just because of a kiss – or multiple, very much mind-blowing kisses.

If he could figure things out with himself and how he reacted to Kun in different situations first, if he could see what other issues Kun might have, that he was eager to help him with to the best of his abilities, if he could give them enough time to figure all of that out and then tell the others, it felt a lot safer to himself.

He should probably talk to Kun about this, so they were on the same page.

And he most definitely had to distract Guanheng!

**“I was joking.”** The other said, releasing Xiaojun from his panic.

**“It wasn’t funny.”**

**“Yes, it was. You should have seen your face, you looked so dumb.”**

**“Just trying to rival your regular face.”**

**“As if.”**

During lunch, Kun, luckily for Xiaojun’s heart, was back to being his warm self. No slick smiles, that turned his world off her axis, anywhere to be seen.

Then again, Kun just needed to be around for Xiaojun’s pulse to pick up and butterflies to start roaming his tummy. This was the harmless type, though, the type he had had enough time getting used to and knew how to handle to still function like a normal person.

 

Over all the kissing and freaking out over Kun, Xiaojun had nearly forgotten something quite major.

Too bad, the whole court case hadn’t magically disappeared and left him in fairy tale land, where he could focus all his attention on what made him happy.

“Good afternoon, it’s nice to finally meet you after having heard so much. My name is Kris Wu, I’m the attending attorney for Mr Moon.”

Xiaojun stared at the man and slowly moved to hide behind Taeyong. He was tall, ridiculously so, and didn’t look very old, maybe in his late 30s. His hair was jet-black and slicked out of his face, that was set into a permanent scowl. The serious and sharp look was topped off with a fitted black suit and tie, shiny shoes, and a big briefcase.

This was the man who just needed to ask a few questions but was really nice so no worries?

There seemed to be a serious aberration between Xiaojun’s and Taeil’s definition of that.

“I’m Krystal Jung, I’m his associate. I’ll just be sticking around and writing the protocol.” Xiaojun’s eyes flitted to the woman behind the lawyer. She wasn’t as tall, but just as intimidating, with a matching stern, but beautiful face. Her clothing was fashionable, yet elegant, and Xiaojun dug his fingers into Taeyong’s arm, not daring to take a step forward.

Yukhei was one thing. He was actually really sweet, almost dorky, and his wealth didn’t hurt his personality.

This man and woman, however, were frightening, beginning from their effortless confidence in skills they surely had, to the elegance they exuded with their appearances.

This type of person wouldn’t have even gotten close to Xiaojun’s brothel, their wealth and their status were so high, they didn’t have to bother with a run-down rattrap like the one he had been kept at.

“Uh, yeah, let’s - let’s go to the living room?” Taeyong suggested, sounding a bit nervous himself.

Xiaojun wished Kun were here. He had already talked to the lawyer and lived.

He knew this man wasn’t evil. He was the one that had gotten his handler into jail and was working to do the same with Ten’s and keep his there for longer – and he was doing an excellent job from how far Xiaojun could judge.

Just… that didn’t make him any less terrifying. Xiaojun didn’t even know which principle Yixing had helped him learn, to use in dealing with strangers, to apply first. He wasn’t even sure any trauma was to be blamed for this, it much rather seemed like this was these people’s natural effect on others.

“Hyung, don’t leave, okay?” Xiaojun whispered in panic when the two marched part them, their shoes loudly clicking on the hardwood floor.

“No, of course not,” Taeyong assured him and patted his hand despite the grip probably hurting.

 

Xiaojun slowly settled on the very edge of his chair, ready to jump up and run if needed, while the young woman opened a laptop and spread stacks of paper, filled with text written in a small font.

It felt highly important and professional.

Meanwhile, Xiaojun was in a pair of black sweatpants that Jisung had grown out of and Chenle hadn’t wanted, which were just a little too short on him but much too good to throw out (at least they were Adidas), and a hoodie with a Panda print. It was a very cute Panda print, Johnny had agreed, but he suddenly felt immature and misplaced.

“Alright, so, how much did Mr Moon tell you about the case?” The lawyer looked up at Xiaojun, and his throat constricted. He tried to answer but his tongue was frozen in his mouth.

“He told us everything, I believe.” Taeyong quickly filled in for him.

“Ah, good, good, as expected. So you know we hope to have you, as well as some other Hybrids, allowed as witnesses?”

Xiaojun nodded.

He knew he could do that. He knew there were many chances arising from the statement he could give in court, so he didn’t want to let fear win over. But that was easier said than done. He was still nervous, incredibly so, even just at the mention of the possibility.

“Mr Moon didn’t say anything, but are you okay with Korean?”

“Y-yeah.” Xiaojun whispered. He suddenly felt like he was back to December, feeling dumb and uneducated in the face of this man who was just doing his job, but obviously so far from anything Xiaojun was he just couldn’t help it.

“Good. I was just asking since you weren’t talking. If you’re just nervous that’s okay.” Xiaojun felt both called out and reassured. He knew it was okay, but in front of such an impressive person, it felt scary to show weakness. “First of all, I need some more basic information on you. Nothing out of the ordinary. It’s a standard process but Mr Moon wasn’t able to fill me in much. Since Kun and Ten both were able to help me out, I hope we can figure it out with you as well.”

Xiaojun hoped he could be as helpful as Ten and Kun, but he worried he might not live up to the expectation.

Stop! No! He would! Ten and Kun both had their own issues but worked on them. Xiaojun was doing the same thing, he was just as good as them!

“Do you know your birthday?”

“8th of the 8th month.” Xiaojun supplied, hearing his voice shake. But he had been able to answer! He could do this, even though this lawyer-person was so intimidating!

“Oh, double lucky, how cute.” The associate on her laptop chimed in. Xiaojun perked up. Yes, it was double lucky, that was what his breeder had always said, one of the few things he hadn’t found any fault in. It was also why he had no trouble remembering it. The offhanded comment allowed him to relax a little, it broke the extreme seriousness of the situation.

“Good, the year, apparently, is 1999, right?”

Xiaojun swallowed. “I’m not sure.”

“Okay, well, we’ll trust it is then since it fits. Where are you from originally?”

“C-china.”

“Hmh, and which city?”

“I… also don’t know.” Xiaojun felt Taeyong pat his leg under the table. It was only a small show of support, but it made all the difference in Xiaojun keeping his tears at bay. He could do this!

“And your breed is, uh, Ragdoll?”

“Yes. Ragdoll, registered under the FIFH with the RHFCI as the responsible Breeders’ Union. I was certified and registered by the RaEA.” Xiaojun rattled down, hoping it might be helpful and make up for everything he didn’t know.

The lawyer leaned over and told the woman on the computer something in English, which went over Xiaojun’s head, then turned to him again.

“Do you remember your breeder’s name?”

“Yes, I do. Master Han.” Xiaojun was so happy to be able to provide information, he felt himself straighten up in his chair.

“Han?” the lawyer asked, “Do you happen to know his first name?”

Xiaojun did. But only because his wife had called him by it, never had he used it in his life.

It didn’t matter, this was important and his breeder wasn’t going to jump from the shadows and slap him over his palms for being disrespectful.

“Geng. Han Geng.” He couldn’t help glancing around to reassure himself he wasn’t here to punish Xiaojun for disobedience.

“Alright. Now, we already have the letters from both the public medical office and your therapist, which clearly confirm the abuse you were put through, so, we don’t have to go into that in more detail. Maybe a judge would want you to confirm some things, or retell how something came to be, just so they can be sure it was actually these men currently being prosecuted who did it. I’m warning you, it’s possible the judge won’t believe you.”

Xiaojun swallowed and nodded.

“It’s their job to find out the truth, coming from an unbiased point of view. They have to check and see if they have doubt in something. I know this is the awful part about being a witness and knowing the truth: you will have to make others believe you.

“If needed, you’ll have to go into detail, even if it’s very personal and maybe even gruesome. If it were the other way around, you wouldn’t want them to just believe a story someone fabricated either, would you? That’s why they need details and need to ask questions, just to see if there are lies a witness might stumble over in their story.”

That made sense. It still fuelled the nervousness, knowing that he’d have to go in and offer so much information and so many details he hadn’t necessarily expected anyone wanting to hear.

At least the lawyer was giving him a heads up. Xiaojun took a deep breath to control the fear. He could ask Yixing about it, maybe practice beforehand and make sure the memories wouldn’t completely make him fall back into that mindset and circle of terror. He hadn’t been able to take the power from them all, far from it. There was just so much, and anything could be the thing the judge would press more information from.

The trial wouldn’t wait for Xiaojun to get better. He needed to get through it to have the monsters punished, he had to try and keep the fear somewhat under control so it couldn’t paralyse him.

“I feel like I already know enough to have my own point of view on this, so, let’s focus on just the part on how they got a hold of you.”

Xiaojun nodded. He knew the importance of the story in particular, as that was the part the illegality of the whole situation was tied to. Had he been purchased with his passport and all, they could have done whatever they wanted to, without consequences.

Luckily, that situation was already one he had discussed with Yixing. It didn’t cripple him anymore. He could retell it.

If only the lawyer weren’t so intimidating his voice kept shaking.

Trying to boost his confidence, Xiaojun imagined the tall man on the beach, in a Hawaii shirt, with a coconut drink in hand. It was a fun technique Yixing had taught him to make strangers less scary, however, even in his imagination the lawyer was still in his slacks and shiny shoes, glaring at the ocean.

The associate interrupted once more, saying something in English, and Xiaojun watched the man lean to look at the PC-screen, then his eyes widened a little, and a grin spread on his face. Just like that, the stern and serious, intimidating image cracked, and he was suddenly in flip-flops and surfer shorts on the imaginary beach.

“Look at that! Your breeder is stationed in Guandong! **I was born in Guandong as well.** ”

The lawyer turned from the screen to grin at Xiaojun.

Guandong? That was the city he had grown up in?

And it was the same as the scary-maybe-not-that-scary lawyer’s?

And he spoke Cantonese?

**“How do you know that?”**

**“If you know where to look and have the basic information that helps you get there, you can find a lot of things on the internet. Han Geng, registered with the RaEA as a passive member, licenced in 1992 in Guandong, currently registered in Guandong. Safe to say he didn’t move back and forth in between and would have gone through the trouble of changing his Hukou.”**

Even though Seoul had become his home, it still meant so much to Xiaojun to hear the name of the city he connected to his childhood. There might be unpleasant memories and an unhealthy mindset connected to it, but it had still been an important part of his life, with lots of happiness. Not having known where all that had taken place, had felt like there was always this question mark left.

 

After that, it was easy to tell the lawyer about how exactly Xiaojun had gotten from the safety of his breeder’s home to the poorly lit room with the big dirty stage and the permanently lingering scent of alcohol.

 

“ _Chenle! Guess what? I’m from Guandong! My breeder’s located there! Mr Wu found that out when he talked to me today.”_

_“No way! That’s so cool, how did he do that?”_

_“Uh… I don’t know? But there’s a database.”_

_“So, he hacked into that?”_

_“Could he do that? He’s not an IT guy, is he?”_

_“I don’t know, they do it in movies all the time. Anyway, it’s super cool you know. Did you figure things out with Kun-Ge?”_

Xiaojun swallowed and glanced over to where Taeyong was tasting the stew they had prepared together and pulled the phone closer, to lower his voice. Just in case.

_“Yeah, turned out he wasn’t mad. Guanheng said he had known that.”_

_“Hm okay, weird. Maybe he just said that to look better. I mean, your reasoning sounded logical to me. But it’s all fine now?”_

_“Thank you. Yeah, it totally is. Anyway, Jaehyun-Ge’s birthday is on Valentine’s day, so I need to figure out a present for him.”_

_“Oh! Oh, stop, stop, stop, I know! You have to give Kun-Ge chocolate! Maybe, he’ll, you know, notice your crush?”_

Xiaojun swallowed. He didn’t want to tell Chenle everything yet, but he didn’t want to keep secrets, much less lie.

_“He might already have.”_

_“WHAT?”_

_“Yeah, uh, I kinda, uh, told him? It just seemed right to, so…”_

_“Holy shit! And? Don’t leave me hanging, Xiaojun!”_

_“I don’t know yet. We’ll have to figure it out, okay? I don’t want to say anything before we do. I’m still not even sure about myself and the whole sexual attraction thing.”_

_“Of course, yes, yes, do that, that’s fine. I’m just so excited for you! You’re my best friend, after all, I really was rooting for you. But he feels, the same, right?”_ Chenle sounded very sure of himself.

_“I… hope so? At least similarly, he definitely does.”_

Chenle squeaked through the line and Xiaojun had to pull the phone away, even Taeyong looked around from the stove because it was so loud.

_“Ah! That’s the best! Oh my god, please tell me first once you figure out it out. Tell me everything!”_

_“Of course, you’re my best friend, after all, you need to know first. Okay, so, I was writing on a song for Jaehyun-Ge, and I was wondering if I could give him something with it. He really likes peaches.”_

_“Oh, yeah, just casually writing a freaking song.”_

_“Uh, is that a bad idea? So far, everyone liked them. But it was only Kun and Doyoung-Ge who got ones.”_

_“No, silly! It’s just how easy that is to you, seriously! You should make a career out of it, really, you can get filthy rich in the entertainment industry, how do you think Yukhei’s mom acquired a fortune?”_

_“Ah, I don’t know… I do like singing for people but… you know… Hybrid… scars… I don’t really think any agency would bother even listening.”_

_“These days, you don’t have to go that route. You could put your songs on YouTube. You don’t even have to show your face. Just consider it. Anyway, peach? There’s lost of sweets with peach flavour.”_

_“Yeah, I like that idea.”_

 

Xiaojun felt excited to let everyone know he had figure out where he was originally from.

Taeil was surprised to hear his lawyer, out of all people, had figured it out, Sicheng said it fit the accent but not his preference for spicy food.

That, topped off with Kun no longer ignoring him, and Xiaojun now knowing his crush might actually go somewhere, put him in a fabulous mood all evening – despite the dooming court date.

“Guys! Guys, come quickly, look what’s on TV!”

Xiaojun nearly dropped the bowl he had been drying off but managed to hold on last-second when Jaehyun’s yell echoed through the kitchen. Ten let the sponge fall into the sink and Xiaojun all but threw the bowl after just saving it.

He wasn’t the first to arrive at the TV, meaning, he had to balance on the tips of his toes and use Yuta and Taeyong’s shoulders to stand taller and see. Everyone was frozen in front of the screen, and Xiaojun tried to understand why.

It was the news. There was a voiceover on the scenes currently being shown on TV, the logo of the show in the corner.

Xiaojun’s blood ran cold when he realised where the video of the segment had been taken: The dark main room didn’t look as dark after the blinds had been ripped off, but the stage was just as dirty as it always had been. There was the one broken chair at the bar, but it looked like a ghost town, no one was there: no bartender, no handlers, no guard dogs, no whores on the stage or between the guests, and, obviously, no guests.

“As police investigations have been concluded, we finally got to look around and the conditions of the brothel were about as shocking as the official statement of claim would have you believe.” The voiceover explained.

They wandered through the VIP area, secluded to ensure privacy, but also make the people seated there feel more important.

Xiaojun felt his grip on the two Hybrids he was currently leaning against tightening when the crew arrived at the flight of stairs. There was no sign, nothing, it was just the very same old stairs he had walked up and down countless times, but the last time he had seen them had changed his perception of them.

The woman explained more thoroughly what exactly the monsters were accused of, and she even mentioned the protests. It was amazing, it was the publicity they wanted, no, this was more. This, Xiaojun wouldn’t have dreamt to have revealed to the public. Yet here they were, talking in important and official voices about it and letting everyone know how awful it was in these places.

As he saw the rooms he had lived in for years on the screen, he felt choked up, flooded with memories.

They seemed far away, it almost felt like another life he had used to live there, but it hadn’t been that long ago.

It switched back to a studio, where two MCs shook their heads.

Xiaojun let himself flop back down and loosened the hold on Yuta’s and Jaehyun’s sweaters.

“Damn, I forgot how disgusting that place was.” Ten muttered.

“It could have really used a bit of dusting off.” Taeyong agreed softly.

“A bit? Seriously, you need to roll up with a high-pressure cleaner to reach any level of cleanliness in there.” Xiaojun wrinkled his nose. There was another moment of awkward silence and Xiaojun was busy ordering his thoughts, trying to put memories back to where they belonged and ground himself in here and now.

“Well, we better double the number of flyers to print for Thursday, I’m sure this will help us!” Jaehyun suggested and Jeno nodded eagerly.

Xiaojun hoped it would. He hoped this could change anything, and if it was just one person less going, then that was one person less forcing themselves onto an unwilling Hybrid, or one who didn’t know they might have the choice to say no and decide over their own body.

“That high-pressure cleaner joke was pretty funny,” Yuta commented, turning away from the TV and to Xiaojun.

“It was?”

“Yep. Especially since it probably wasn’t so nice to be reminded, right?”

Xiaojun shook his head.

“I’m shocked there wasn’t a handrail on the stairs. That has to be unsafe, weren’t they worries someone might fall?” Taeyong pointed out.

“That one they showed was the one in the back, customers were not usually taken up there, the main staircase had one,” Xiaojun explained.

“And you guys? What if someone just, I don’t know, tripped?” Taeyong gasped.

“Yeah, I don’t know. It’s not high enough for a deadly fall anyway, so they probably didn’t bother. There used to be one, pretty long ago, but it got damaged from a ruckus two of the guard dogs caused and they never replaced it.” There was no gap in the middle, like here in the house Taeil lived in, so you couldn’t fall lower than one flight.

It only gave broken rips and ugly scars to add to the ones the monster put on your body. Ugly scars on your forehead, in particular. Xiaojun pushed his hair around, even though he knew it was covering everything he wanted not to be seen.

“Even falling one story must really hurt. That’s negligent. Lawyer Wu should add that to the list.” Taeyong frowned and turned to find Taeil, probably to suggest that.

“It’s not deadly, huh?” Yuta softly asked, snaking an arm around Xiaojun to hug.

“Yeah. It’s not like a fall from the balcony. Not that I’d do that, don’t worry.”

“Good. I didn’t think you were, but it’s always good to hear. And it’s also good you chose something that gave you another chance.”

“I didn’t want it, back then. But I’m glad now.”

“Yeah, I didn’t want it either, but I’m extremely glad now.”

“I… I didn’t know you, uh, you tried?” Xiaojun was whispering now, barely loud enough for himself to hear.

“I didn’t think it’d help you to know back then, but… I don’t know, I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone in living on a second chance.”

“Thank you. I don’t really ever feel alone here.” Xiaojun leaned against Yuta’s shoulder.

“And if you do, for whatever reason, then please let me know. Or anyone else. So we can fix that.”

“I will. You, too, Hyung.”

Yuta nodded, absentmindedly fumbling with his sleeves.

“Hyung! You need to be serious about it! Or I’ll worry and will tell Taeil-Hyung you need to use the buddy system, too!” Yuta looked surprised by Xiaojun’s forceful words.

“It’s not like that! I swear, I’m not thinking what you might think I am! I was just… a bit lost in thought.”

“What over? If it’s worrisome I won’t be appeased.” Xiaojun puffed his cheeks and Yuta chuckled.

“No, no, something really good. I was thinking about how wonderful it is to see you accept us, our help, everything. That I'm eternally glad I had the right inkling, back then, and was on time, so you’re still around now. It’d be so much more boring without you.”

He stroked over Xiaojun’s cheek to dry off the tear that had made its way down there over his words, and Xiaojun buried his head in Yuta’s shoulder, making his sweater soak them up.

“I-I’m really glad you did, too. I don’t think even in heaven I’d have this… family.”

“Well, I mean, technically, you are in Heaven.” There was a break until Yuta added: “Got it?”

“It wasn’t funny, Hyung.”

“Come on, it totally was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry, someone had to be the bad person I couldn’t avoid having to use XJ’s breeder’s name – I do not hate Hangeng AT ALL, this is just fiction TT TT
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	27. Chapter 27

“ _Xiaojun_.”

It was the same voice as yesterday, trying to disturb his sleep. It was rude and unasked for.

“ _Xiaojun_.”

He groaned and squeezed the source of warmth (and this disturbing noise).

“ _You’re like a boa constrictor, only a really lazy one. Come on, time to get up_.”

“ _Nooo_ ,” Xiaojun whined, peeking out through his lashes.

Kun looked back at him. He looked awake and well-rested, only his hair was sticking up in weird directions. Xiaojun closed his eyes again and pressed his face into Kun’s chest. The bed rattled a little, from Yuta getting up, but Xiaojun ignored it.

He heard, almost felt, the steady beating of Kun’s heart right under himself.

It was an even rhythm, able to lull him back into sleepy drowsiness, and almost slip back into dreamland.

“ _Xiaojun, I really have to get up.”_

 _“To get out of bed, payment is needed.”_ Xiaojun rasped, not moving from his position. Kun sighed deeply.

_“What kind of payment?”_

_“Five more minutes of cuddling.”_ Xiaojun nuzzled his face against the soft material of Kun’s pyjama, taking deep breaths to get as much of his scent as possible.

“ _I need to clean my shoes, I don’t have five minutes. Can I trade-in for a kiss?”_

 _“Hmpf.”_ Xiaojun pulled away and looked up, hoping to convey that kisses were great but even greater on top of five minutes of cuddling. Kun chuckled and gently caught his chin, pulling him up until he could press his lips against Xiaojun’s.

Xiaojun couldn’t help smile against Kun’s mouth as he kissed back.

Unfortunately, Kun pulled away quickly, peeling himself from the bed. Xiaojun unhappily flopped on the side where the sheets were still warm.

_“I promise we can stay in bed longer on Sunday.”_

_“Yeah!”_ Xiaojun croaked, He was still grumpy over Kun leaving, but if they’d cuddle for longer on Sunday, that would make up for it.

 _“Urgh, you’re too cute, it really makes this hard for me.”_ Xiaojun looked up to where Kun had stepped up to the bed and the other leaned down to kiss him once more. It was only a peck, short and sweet, but Xiaojun smiled like an idiot as Kun left to get ready for the day and he curled up in the blankets for a few more minutes.

 

Xiaojun’s day was busy. They often were now, and it felt good. He had gotten used to the workload, so it was no longer completely exhausting, just fulfilling.

He did his chores, he carefully listened to Doyoung’s lessons, had lunch, did homework and some self-study.

Doyoung had some textbooks on music theory. Xiaojun hadn’t known there was such a thing, but as he started to invest himself, he realised there was really so much more to music and composing than just random melodies and rhythms he might come up with.

People had created lettering for music. That was the very first thing he had taught himself. It was absolutely fascinating! That way, you didn’t need a recording to have someone else replay what you came up with, but could just use a slip of paper and forever capture a melody.

And there were so many rules, too. At first, it had seemed discouraging. Xiaojun used music for free expression – he didn’t want rules holding him back in that!

But as he took a closer look, he realised the rules weren't meant to hold him back and they weren’t meant to be blindly followed either. On the contrary. Breaking them was encouraged, the creativity he found the most fun part about writing songs was what everyone strived for. He was already sort of doing this right – only the rules could help him become better!

It was similar to the buddy system rule – it was meant to help him, not mute possible questions and silence him.

On top, he found out about so much more music he hadn’t known. There was music that was extremely old. People had been using it to express more than words could for longer than Hybrids had even been around – far, far longer. Xiaojun found himself curious to learn how it had developed and how new instruments had been invented and added to the existing ones – or sometimes replaced them.

 

Later in the afternoon, Renjun stepped by, almost collapsing under two big boxes of print outs.

“Seriously, I think the guy at the print-shop wanted to stake me when I said 10,000.” Renjun puffed, flopping down on a chair, while Xiaojun and Jaemin hurriedly cleaned the table off study material and random stuff.

“I don’t get his problem with you – you’re paying him, aren’t you?” Jeno frowned, always concerned when it came to his ‘human friend’.

“I don’t know either. But I think his extremely backward mentality is to blame, he doesn’t really like the whole Hybrids rights movement and he lets it out on me.”

“What a dickhead, I bet he’s just bitter because he wasted his youth being an asshole instead of doing good things like you.” Donghyuck shrugged.

Xiaojun carefully read the flyer. It was about sex work and education, a mixture of both that’d work well to give the basic information to people who might be new to the topic. There also was yet another picture of Donghyuck in lingerie on it.

“I know, I look like a whole snack. I can autograph you a flyer and you can hang it up over your bed.” Donghyuck pushed his head between Xiaojun and the table, grinning obnoxiously.

“A snack?” Xiaojun asked, raising an eyebrow carefully.

“Hot, sexy, whatever.”

“Oh, I thought you looked quite cute in this, not as disturbingly objectified in the other.” Xiaojun smiled. He made a mental note that this was supposed to be sexy and hot.

It was still confusing to him.

He definitely had thought of Kun was extremely hot a few times now, but even imagining him in place of Donghyuck didn’t help him see the appeal. He found confidence hot in Kun – but he couldn’t even generalise that, it was exclusively Kun whom he ever felt like that over.

“Cute?” Donghyuck pouted and turned to Renjun, “Do I look cute in this?”

Renjun’s eyes widened into saucer plates and his face flushed deep pink. “I-I, y-y-you, uuuuh.”

“Guanheng? Anyone, who’s not been raised in crippling sex-negativity and shame-cycles?”

“I think you’d look hot if you weren’t there to pull attention to sex-slavery. I struggle to find any of that remotely sexy. Not to mention, seeing your face would make it hard to jack off if I have to laugh the entire time.” Guanheng commented.

Xiaojun filed that information away for later. It was a bit like learning about rivers or that mitochondria were the powerhouse of the cell – he didn’t know when he’d need this.

If he didn’t feel sexual attraction himself, he’d at least learn what triggered it in other people. Especially since he was a person that’d be objectified and leered at just because he was a cat Hybrid, it was good to know what’d provoke such a reaction and keep himself safe.

There was another thought behind it. He knew with 99% certainty Kun was not on the asexual spectrum – too much evidence spoke against that. For a relationship, he’d have to remember that and he wanted to try and understand it, for Kun’s sake.

After all, sex could be nice, too. Xiaojun had ventured out into that side of the internet for research. Well, no, he had asked Guanheng for help because he hadn’t had any desire to get himself some new traumas. But what Guanheng had pointed him to had seemed rather nice for the people involved.

It still hadn’t magically made him feel any way of aroused, but Xiaojun hadn’t looked for himself. Much rather, he was carefully considering if it was something he could imagine doing, in theory, to make someone else feel good.

A loud bang announced Jaemin had toppled over from his hysterics, together with his chair.

“I will remember that and the revenge will be sweet.” Donghyuck grumbled and turned to Xiaojun, “I feel deeply offended, just so we’re clear.”

“Don’t, I don’t find Oh Sehun hot either,” Xiaojun assured him, not wanting to make Donghyuck feel self-conscious.

The other hesitated for a moment, clearly in deep thought, then, his face fell: “Wait, you’re straight?”

Guanheng and Jeno started bellowing in laughing now.

“Maybe I am?” Xiaojun found it pretty entertaining. Not enough to drop off his chair because someone mentioned masturbation, but enough to make him roll with it instead of changing the topic.

Not to mention, Donghyuck deserved to be teased a little.

The tabby narrowed his eyes and looked at Guanheng and Jeno, who had started crying a little from laughing so much.

“M-maybe we shouldn’t be discussing this, I mean, it’s a sensitive topic and…” Renjun chimed in softly.

“I don’t care Jaemin pretends he doesn’t get off three times a day, I only care my looks aren’t getting the appreciation they deserve!” Donghyuck whined loudly.

“I don’t!” Jaemin tried to defend himself.

“I-I mean you do-do look very good in the pictures!” Renjun carefully suggested.

Apparently, that tamed the fuming cat. Donghyuck sat back down where he had been about to jump over the table, and a serene smile spread on his face.

“I know I do, but thank you anyway. Do you want an autograph?”

“I’d really prefer not.”

“Here you go, you can hang it up and I won’t be offended if you use it as inspiration.” Donghyuck pushed one of the flyers towards Renjun, who looked like he hoped for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

Jeno was drying off tears, still giggling softly, and Jaemin was back on his chair, looking mildly offended as he furiously folded flyers.

“So, now that we discussed that and Renjun will have nightmares for weeks, what do you all think of the newest teaser for the Taeyeon comeback?” Guanheng asked.

“Haven’t seen it yet.” Jeno shrugged.

“Heathen. Of course, it looks perfect, her voice is amazing, as per usual, the visuals are amazing, and I’m sure she ages backwards or converted to vampirism.” Donghyuck huffed.

“If she was a vampire, she’d definitely be some queen of the covens or something. Urgh, her power,” Guanheng sighed deeply.

Xiaojun knew some of her songs and liked them, however, “I didn’t check, but they’ll bring Mary Poppins Returns to the West End. I just read that earlier. I’m so excited, it’s the first time I’ll witness the opening of a stage adaption of a film. Especially since Lin-Manuel Miranda played in the film and after his success with Hamilton I feel like he’s bringing musicals to the big screen and I’m so curious how it’ll translate back onto stage!” Xiaojun found that far more exciting and news-worthy, but it was received with blank faces.

“Sorry I asked if you were straight.” Donghyuck finally said.

“What does a founding father have to do with musicals? Is there a musical about the declaration of independence?” Renjun asked, looking around in confusion. Xiaojun straightened in his seat, ready to let them in on the wonderful world that was Broadway.

 

The discussion wandered from musicals, to comebacks, autotune, plastic surgery, Jaemin’s ears, and, finally, if blood types or your zodiac sign were more important when it came to determining your personality traits or if it was just a huge hoax. The animated conversation almost masked the fact that folding 10,000 flyers was absolutely excruciatingly exhausting.

Everyone who had a few minutes to spare started helping when it became clear the boxes were a little much for their team.

Xiaojun usually felt like he could do more and a little sad his friends left when they finished.

Today, he was glad it was over for the first time. His fingers were sore and his back hurt from sitting for so long.

But they were done, the two big card boxes stacked away in the corner where they’d take them to the protests on Thursday.

Xiaojun still felt a little on edge since he had announced he’d join again. Surely, there’d be awful, rude people, like last time. But the effect of last week was so immense and so much bigger than he had dared to imagine, he couldn’t go back to staying at home when he knew this was his chance to make his voice be heard and get the monster’s businesses ruined.

 

On Wednesday, Xiaojun finished writing the song for Jaehyun’s birthday, utilising all the music theory he had learnt so far, and Doyoung started teaching his geography classes together with Jeno and Guanheng’s, after previously already having joint the social studies, as well as his and Jeno’s literature lessons.

He was lacking behind in biology a bit and maths a lot, Guanheng had dropped literature in favour of Mandarin, and Jaemin was worlds ahead in everything, but it didn’t really matter. Xiaojun was excited to join them at least in some subjects and show his hard work was paying off.

On top, even learning was more fun together. Doyoung made him explain things to the others and the other way around. There were more questions brought up if not only he was trying to think beyond what Doyoung was telling him. Especially Jeno’s mind worked much differently from Xiaojun’s own. It was so interesting, probably a mixture of different natures, different upbringing, different experiences, and different views on life.

It was a breeze of fresh air he hadn’t even known he needed and helped him progress in his studies. If he was stuck with an interpretation in literature, he tried to think how Jeno would see it, and usually got some ideas that’d help him.

Not to mention the incomparable feeling of accomplishment he felt when either Guanheng or Jeno made a positive comment on something Xiaojun had said or remembered.

Doyoung seemed to be pleased with his progress, too. Overall, Xiaojun was very glad he had not let his initial frustrations let him back down and chicken out. They still occasionally crept up, especially when the second explanation still didn’t cut it for him. Maths were the hardest for him, now that all the basic things had been cleared and it became complex.

He was scared to seem dumb and annoy Doyoung. It was unfounded, but still. However easily riled up by Yuta’s or Ten’s teasing he normally was, he absolutely never became frustrated when explaining. It reminded Xiaojun a little of Kun’s patience – obviously not as great, but no one could be on Kun’s level, that was just a matter of fact, not even Taeil or Ten, much less Doyoung.

 

For lunch, Taeyong and Doyoung had dished out fried fish, and Xiaojun was able to snatch the last piece from a sighing Ten, saying something about deadly aegyo. Maybe it was like Jeno, doing his puppy eyes. Those usually made Xiaojun feel a little bad and compelled to do whatever Jeno was making them for.

It was probably a little unfair to bring others into that situation, but as long as he got food from it, Xiaojun would keep doing it.

There wasn’t much time before the lunch break would be over, and Xiaojun slipped out of dishwashing duty to sit down next to Kun for the few more moments, trying to get some cuddling before he’d be gone again.

It wasn’t like he had gotten needier for them.

He had already been extremely greedy to attach himself to Kun whenever given the chance before.

Since starting to kiss him and finding out he wasn’t the only one going crazy with heart-racing and butterflies in his stomach, he just felt even more entitled to get them.

_“Hey, a patient mentioned a concert not far away because their daughter will be playing there. It’s classical music, Mozart and the sorts. I don’t know if you like that, but since it’s music and it’s not formal and some really big thing where we wouldn’t really stick out weirdly, I wondered if you wanted to go.”_

Xiaojun did know Mozart and the sorts. He and his peers were important in music theory and he had already previously encountered them while having looked at Opera which seemed to be some original form of musical, just… different and not really Xiaojun’s style of singing. It hardly mattered whether or not he liked the music when he listened to it on his phone. Going there with Kun would already make it well worth it, and live music had this different vibe, not to mention…

 _“Like a date?”_ Xiaojun whispered, feeling his tail move in excitement, but not wanting anyone else to hear.

They had agreed to not let the others know before they themselves had figured it out. Xiaojun hadn’t opened what might be an issue about his maybe-asexuality yet, nor had Kun opened his Pandora’s box of ‘having it together’. It didn’t need to be cleared up in one sitting, they could still enjoy cuddling and morning kisses while taking their time to figure it out.

But Xiaojun was more than ready to go on a date, do lovey-dovey activities!

Kun blushed a little. Cute!

_“Yeah.”_

_“Oh, yes! I totally want to go! When?”_

_“Uh, it starts at 3 pm, but I have to work until five. I checked and I don’t think it’s an issue. You just come and go whenever. It’ll be in the big convention centre in the COEX mall.”_

Xiaojun nodded. So, five.

 

Turned out, four hours could be extremely long when waiting for five to come. His homework seemed unbearably boring. When he was sure 20 minutes must have passed over just staring at one problem set and looked up, only three had actually gone by. It happened four times until he decided maths could wait but fashion couldn’t.

Too bad Johnny’s valuable tips hadn’t really helped him develop much of a sense of style yet, but that was what he had friends for, wasn’t it?

“ **I will literally scream if you ask one more time if I’m really sure you look sleek and sophisticated in that shirt! Why do you even care, where do you go? Meet the Queen?”**

 **“I said I was going to hear some classical music.”** Xiaojun pulled on the collar of the shirt.

It was stiff and uncomfortable. Donghyuck dramatic words over them echoed in his head. He kind of understood the other cat a lot better, now that he had gotten spoilt from comfortable clothing that perfectly fit his taste and preferences. But he wanted to look sleek and sophisticated for the date! One didn’t look sleek and sophisticated in Under Armor – even though Under Armor wanted people to believe that.

**“Who’ll go with you?”**

**“Kun-Go.”**

Guanheng’s eyebrows slowly rose over his face, higher and higher, his eyes widening.

**“You look like a clown. What’s the deal?”**

**“You’re going on a date?”** Guanheng’s voice had ascended several pitches, and he was gasping for air like he was suffering from a sudden heart attack.

 **“We’re going to listen to music.”** Xiaojun protested softly. It wasn’t a lie if he didn’t confirm it. He was just not answering.

 **“You’re going on a date, you’re blushing and your tail is moving from nerves.”** Guanheng cackled and Xiaojun frowned, looked at the offensive appendage that was, indeed, moving back and forth behind him in clear agitation.

**“Call it whatever you want.”**

**“This is great! I knew Donghyuck and I were on the right track, I’ll be delivering good news.”** He already pulled out his phone, and Xiaojun got more panicked, but also a little irritated. This wasn’t some public scandal to inform the press about!

**“Don’t tell him! I… we… it… what if it doesn’t work out and then everyone knowns and will pity us and make it weird? We want to figure it out at our pace. I know you keep messing with Taeil-Go’s relationship and dates, but he and Jungwoo-Go appreciate it. I’d feel pressured and stressed if you did. Kun-Go maybe, too. It could ruin that.”**

Guanheng lowered his phone, gaping at Xiaojun. Had that been too much? Probably. Xiaojun shrunk into himself as much as the stiff shirt allowed. Which wasn’t much. Also, he now felt like he couldn’t properly breathe. This was hardly worth the sleek and sophisticated look…

“ **Wow, okay, uh… that sounded very intelligent. I didn’t realise that. It’s just kind of fun, to watch you both pine after each other. I mean, obviously, we wouldn’t want to ruin that for you, on the contrary. I just didn’t think we might do that. It was all just for fun or maybe to get you two to finally realise stuff.”**

**“Sounds like you’ve been doing some things for longer?”**

**“Oh, we have. But if you don’t want that, that’s completely okay and I respect that. I, yeah, I really wouldn’t want to risk anything for you. That’d suck. I’ll tell the others, so they get off your backs. You do realise you’re being super obvious, though, right?”**

**“We aren’t.”**

**“Yeah, you are. And now suddenly going to a classical music event together? That’s a date if I’ve ever seen one.”**

**“If that’s the first thing you notice, we were subtle.”**

**“The first thing I notice? I noticed you moping over being ignored, too! Kun-Go’s love-sick gazes for months!”**

**“Hm, ah, yeah. Still.”** Xiaojun grinned, feeling triumphant over Guanheng scrambling for words. Also, love-sick gazes for months? No way he would have missed those. Guanheng was surely over-dramatising.

**“I need details! What did you do? Did you make out in secret? Did you blow him in the bathroom?”**

**“Ew, no. And I won’t tell you.”**

**“Come on, this is vital information, Xiaojun!”**

 

Xiaojun stuck with the stiff and uncomfortable shirt, played three rounds of Quizzes against Chenle, who wished him fun on his date, brushed his hair and tail another two times for no reason, tried the thing where he bit his lips until they were looking a little plumper and redder, which he had read in a teen’s magazine, did all of his maths, biology, and social studies homework despite feeling like his soul was leaving his body, and finally, after what felt like 40, not 4 hours, Kun came home.

 

The Christmas decoration was taken off even the shops that had clung to it throughout January, and Xiaojun missed the lights and stars a bit, but the weather was already starting to warm up. He no longer had to hide in his jacket to flee the merciless temperatures.

“ _Ge, look, there’s an advertisement for Mamma Mia!”_ Xiaojun almost bounced in his place, tugging on Kun’s arm.

_“Yeah, it’ll be playing at the LG Arts centre.”_

_“You already knew?”_

_“I… yeah, I keep track of musicals in Seoul.”_ Kun smiled at him, and Xiaojun’s heart sunk. He kept track because he wanted to go, but he didn’t dare to.

_“Well, it looks really colourful.”_

_“It does, they really went all out with the Abba costumes.”_

_“The lead role stands out even more. Ru-Na?”_

_“Luna. She’s an idol singer but has played in some musicals.”_

Xiaojun took Kun’s hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing the other’s. He really wished they were going to see a musical and not just a student concert. Maybe, one day…

_“So, what Mozart and the sorts will there be?”_

_“It sounds like it’s a boy group when you say it like that.”_ Kun chuckled _“I’m not so sure either, it wasn’t on the website, so we’ll just wait and see.”_

_“Okay.”_

Xiaojun walked as close to Kun as he could, never letting go of his hand. Some people looked at them, but he had gotten used to that at this point. He didn’t want to accept that it’d forever be like that: That some people saw him and immediately got some gross ideas of what he was to do and how he was to behave, or that Kun belonged locked away because he was too expensive. But he couldn’t think like that on a daily basis. He just needed to live and not constantly let it pull him down.

Occasionally, he felt his tail brush against Kun’s, each touch sending a small shiver up his spine. Xiaojun wasn’t sure what that was, it was definitely new, but he didn’t mind it.

On the contrary.

It was all just so exciting! Every new thing, every new sensation and emotion, especially those linked to his crush, made him enjoy life more.

The mall soon came into sight, and Xiaojun noticed kids with cases shaped like instruments, walking next to fussing parents.

A sign pointed them to where the “54th students’ concert of Lee musical school for gifted youth” would be held.

It was warmer inside, and Xiaojun opened his jacket, looking around in curiosity. It was busy, far busier than he would have imagined a concert of classical music to be. Those always seemed a little stiff on TV. Kun had said it would be less formal, and it really was. By a lot.

 _“You look really handsome in that shirt, it compliments your skin tone,”_  Kun whispered. So far, no one had sent them nasty glares, only a few interested eyes had been turned their way. Xiaojun knew it was better to keep it low key and avoid provoking anyone into stepping up to tell them their place or something.

 _“Thank you. It’s a cold colour because I have a cold undertone!”_ Xiaojun explained, just as softly. Wearing it was absolutely worth being restricted in his movements and air-intake – now that Kun had acknowledged it even more so!

 _“That makes sense. Okay, there’s applause, we should be okay going in now._ ”

Xiaojun followed closely behind where Kun opened the big door. Some people inside were moving, getting up and coming towards them, obviously intending to leave, others shifted seats. The room was big, but not huge. There was no elevated stage, just two small steps leading onto a slightly lifted platform in the front, on which a grand piano stood. Chairs were put up into straight lines, but the back rows were only very sparsely filled.

“Excuse me,” Kun softly asked, and the man on the outmost chair on the last row moved his legs aside immediately, smiling up at them. Xiaojun liked his smile lines, but he still hurried after Kun.

It was too warm to sit with a thick winter jacket, so as two girls put up music stands in the front and laid out sheets, he peeled it off.

When a duo of a boy and a girl, both dressed much fancier than anyone in the audience, in suit and tie and a black dress respectively, stepped from the door behind the small platform, the soft chattering in the audience quieted down.

Xiaojun straightened in his seat. It wasn’t like there’d be a dance or flashy costumes, but he was curious to see how they’d use their instruments to make the music. Anticipation made him reach for Kun’s hand absentmindedly, and the other seemed to realise and let him lace their fingers together, how he had earlier. It felt better now that there were no gloves between them, just skin on skin.

An older lady, also in a black dress, stepped up, announcing her students' names, as well as the piece they’d be performing, before sitting down on the grand piano.

The two picked up their violins and for a moment, the whole room laid in deadly quiet. You could hear a pin drop and Xiaojun nearly held his breath.

 

Then, the first note broke the silence.

 

He had been right. The magic of live music didn’t depend on whether or not he particularly enjoyed a certain piece, it was strong enough to still pull him in regardless.

It picked up at a happy tempo, with fun, bouncy notes.

Xiaojun watched in awe with how much ease the two students, who were probably Jisung’s age, made their bows fly over their violins. Every note sounded effortless, happy, and light-hearted. The motive was like a red threat, running through the piece but it never got boring because the composer had reinvented it over and over as he went.

They finished, but the room remained quiet. Xiaojun looked around in confusion but didn’t dare to clap if no one else did. He looked over to Kun for help, finding Kun staring at him.

 _“Why is no one clapping?”_ He whispered, so softly human ears would not be able to pick it up as more than a loud breath.

 _“Not between movements. Later.”_ Kun easily replied. He was about to ask why but was ripped from that by another piece starting. The happiness was replaced by softer, calmer notes. It wasn’t downright sad, just melancholic.

 

It was like during the culture festival. There were no lyrics, but Xiaojun didn’t need them. Only the music painted a narrative and pulled him into an alternate universe.

 

The violin duo was followed up by a flute soloist and then a pianist, who was the last student to play today.

Everyone started standing up and leaving, the room buzzing with life after being so quiet before.

“ _This was so great! I didn’t know this part of Mozart and sorts! I like it so much, all of them played so well!”_ Xiaojun turned Kun’s direction, only to realise Kun was still staring at him.

_“What? Oh, yeah, it was really good.”_

_“Did you look at me the whole time?”_

Kun blushed a little and turned his head. _“Maybe? I swear, I still tried to listen, but you were so cute! You looked so immersed in the music. It was like your eyes were sparkling, I couldn’t not look.”_

Now it was Xiaojun’s turn to feel his face heat up a little.

_“O-okay. Thank you for taking me here. I really liked it.”_

_“Of course.”_ Kun smiled warmly.

They collected their jackets and followed the last few people leaving the room. Xiaojun checked his phone, realising it was already close to 7 pm, meaning, the others were already eating dinner. Hopefully, there’d be some left-overs.

“E-excuse me, sir?”

Xiaojun looked up and over his shoulder, to locate who had just spoken. Only to have to look down again. There was a small boy, looking up at them. Xiaojun glanced around and found who was likely the mother a few steps away, watchful eyes on her child.

“My mum said if I were polite, I could ask if you were a leopard?” the boy was looking at Kun, eyes wide and full of wonder.

Xiaojun glanced over to the mother again. He wasn’t sure how to interpret it. Clearly, there were no big cat Hybrids, but a tiny child wouldn’t know that. Couldn’t she have told him? Or, maybe, she didn’t want to speak on something she didn’t know? Or have him learn by asking himself?

“Me?” Kun was clearly taken aback.

“Yes. Because you have a really cool tail!” he nodded eagerly, before adding: “Sir. At home, I have a book! It’s super cool! There’s lots of really dangerous animals in it! So I know leopards! And there’s other, too! Like, like sharks! And lions! It’s super cool! When I grow up, I want to be a maria biologistist, so I can study sharks and make them not be endangered anymore. Because they are! Because they’re too cool and people want to have them and fish them! But it’s not good to do that, so, you shouldn’t go shark fishing.”

Xiaojun had not held any plans to go shark fishing, but he suddenly felt even more resolution to not go because this tiny child had asked him to, so the sharks wouldn’t go extinct.

Likely, the reason for that wasn’t because they were too cool, but Xiaojun couldn’t bear tell the boy the issue was greed and selfish humans.

“I promise, I won’t,” Kun assured him. He had kneeled down to be on eye level with the boy, while Xiaojun glanced over to the mother again. She had apparently been here for her daughter. A girl with an instrument case was next to her, talking animatedly. Xiaojun recognised her as the one from the violin duo. It also didn’t seem like the mother was too distrustful, she wasn’t even paying them any attention anymore.

“Good! So, are you a leopard?” the boy repeated his initial question. “Sir!” he quickly added.

“I’m not a leopard. There are no Hybrids of big cats, like lions, tigers, or leopards. I’m a Bengalese cat, which was bred to look like tiny leopards.”

“Oooh. Why do you talk so funny?”

Xiaojun felt his fur rise a little, but Kun just chuckled.

“Korean isn’t my first language. I had to learn it, so my pronunciation isn’t perfect.”

“Where are you from? From Bengal-Land?”

“I’m from China.”

“Oh. That’s boring, that’s not even far away! My mum said when I get older we can maybe buy an aquarium. I want to have a shark, but she said you can’t keep them. Super boring, right?” Xiaojun nearly got whiplash from how quickly the boy kept switching topics. Still, seeing him just involving Kun in a random conversation was kind of nice. Not to mention, Kun was so patient with him.

Of course, he was. Kun was basically an angel. Xiaojun really wanted to crouch down and nuzzle against him, maybe steal a kiss.

But the situation did not call for cuddling nor kisses and he had to keep an eye on the mother and other humans. Just in case.

“The sharks are probably happier in the sea.”

“Yeah, I guess. That’s why I want to become a maria biologistist, so they don’t have to leave home. If you’re from China, you left home, too, right? Don’t you miss your mum and dad? I always miss my dad when he has to travel for work!”

“I… don’t know my mum or my dad.”

“What? Why?”

“Hybrids usually don’t.”

“B-but… but who kisses you goodnight? A-and who tells you stories and, and, and goes to the park with you?” the boy looked up at Xiaojun suddenly, who felt very taken aback from suddenly being involved in the conversation. “Do you also not know your mum and dad?”

“No.”

The boy frowned. He crossed his arms and furrowed his brows. Then, he seemed to have a sudden idea. He turned in his spot and yelled:

“Eomma! The sir isn’t a leopard, but he doesn’t know his mum or dad! I can share you, right? So they can have a mum!”

The mother was ripped from her conversation with her excited daughter. Xiaojun took a small step backwards when she came over.

“I’m so sorry, I should have realised he was going way off topic when he didn’t come back. Sweety, don’t ask the gentlemen uncomfortable questions.” She took her son’s hand and Kun straightened from where he had crouched. “I’m really sorry about that.”

“But Eomma, this is a problem! They need a mum.”

“Yes, I know, sweety. It’s a really awful system that doesn’t allow them to have one. But did you ask them if they were happy, despite not having a mum? Only when they aren’t, it’s a problem. You don’t need a mum to be happy.”

Xiaojun felt his vision swim a little, from tears pooling in his eyes. She had called it an awful system, that didn’t allow them to be raised by their parents. But she also realised there were other ways to become happy despite the circumstances. To top it off, she hadn’t patronised them by telling her son they were happy and they had an owner they had to be grateful to.

It shouldn’t be a big deal. But it was. It was a huge deal.

“No, you do.” He stomped, how only a child would do in stubbornness and ignorance, “Sir, are you happy?” the boy frowned up at them.

“Yes, I am very happy,” Kun confirmed. There was more that he didn’t say, but Xiaojun could guess it just from his tone. Like it sometimes happened, it seemed like their hearts and minds had the same frequency, held the same thoughts and wishes.

Despite not even touching him, Xiaojun felt incredibly close to Kun.

The boy’s mouth formed an O.

The girl with the case had come over, hiding behind her mother despite being taller than her. It looked a little funny, probably how Xiaojun looked when hiding behind Chenle.

“Let’s say thank you to the nice gentlemen, for taking the time.” The mother prompted.

“No, mum, we can’t go, I was just telling the Bengalese-Hyung about becoming a maria biolgistist. Did you know he was from China?”

“Marine biologist, sweety, and no, I did not know, but I’m sure he would like to go home as well now, or maybe they’re here with their family and they would like to go home.”

She had said family, not owner, family. At the same time, she hadn’t excluded they might be here alone, just the two of them.

It shouldn’t excite him. It should be normal, to be treated like this.

It just wasn’t.

It made Xiaojun feel all sorts of warm and respected.

“I’m sorry, my mum is so boring. Thank you for telling me about cats. I’ll tell you more about sharks next time!” the boy smiled up and waved cutely.

“Thank you. I’m looking forward to it. Get home safely.” Kun smiled and waved back.

“Thank you for taking the time.” His mother repeated.

“Don’t worry, it was really fun,” Kun assured her and Xiaojun felt confident enough to quickly say what he really wanted to.

“You played really well.”

The girl’s eyes widened, and her cheeks immediately tinted a dark pink.

“Th-thank you.”

 

_“I can’t believe my eyes! You’re shamelessly flirting in front of me?”_

They had barely left the convention centre and were back outside. It had cooled down while they had been at the concert, and Xiaojun squeaked when Kun pushed his finger’s down his collar to playfully grab his neck.

 _“I didn’t! I don’t even know how!”_  

Kun’s breath was ghosting against the side of his face, and Xiaojun glanced back at him. In the sparse light, his eyes were glowing a little, making the green appear even brighter than it normally was. His stomach tightened, but he realised he, unfortunately, couldn’t kiss Kun here, right in the middle of the street.

_“The girl, silly.”_

_“I only said I liked her play.”_

_“I know that’s what you meant.”_ Kun chuckled and finally let go, running his hand gently up Xiaojun’s neck an scratching his nape a little. Xiaojun leaned against him, feeling the soft rumble of a purr pick up in his chest. It came so easily whenever Kun touched him, these days.

Suddenly his nose twitched.

“ _Ge! I smell Takoyaki!”_

Kun startled from how quickly Xiaojun jerked upright and out of his hold.

_“Please! Let’s have some! Or many! For dinner!”_

It sounded like a magnificent idea – eat about 25 Takoyaki instead of whatever, surely delicious but now cold, food Jeno and Taeyong had prepared. There were a few food trucks, but Xiaojun wasn’t interested in anything else.

However, Kun didn’t look like he thought it was the best idea ever.

_“Don’t you like Takoyaki?”_

Kun bit his lip and Xiaojun quickly took his hand. It was just a snack, but he felt like he had accidentally poked a bees’ nest. Obviously, there was more than just the aspect of snacking behind Kun’s reluctance.

_“It’s really high in fats and carbs.”_

_“I guess…”_

_“I’m sure there are leftovers from dinner, or we could just have side dishes, their macro count is better.”_

_“Yeah, but we have that every day.”_ Xiaojun really just wanted to have Takoyaki, it wasn’t like he’d abandon any intake of vitamins for the rest of his life.

_“I’ll eat at home. But if you want Takoyaki, you should get some.”_

_“No, I don’t want them alone. It’s okay.”_ It wasn’t really. Xiaojun felt like he should understand why Kun would turn him down, but he didn’t really, and he felt sad over the missed chance.

 

They walked in silence for two blocks. They were still holding hands, but the unspoken issue was heavy between them.

Xiaojun didn’t know how to address it. He had noticed there was something about Kun and food.

He didn’t like snacking, he actually never did it, though he said he liked the foods. He was never the one Xiaojun had to beg for last pieces, he always finished eating long before everything on the table was gone. Jisung had said Kun knew everything about nutrition – Xiaojun was educated on it, too, but not to this extent where he’d not even allow himself to indulge once in a while because he was downright scared of fats and carbs.

“ _The boy was really cute. And his mother was nice, wasn’t she?”_ It wasn’t going to answer any of Xiaojun’s questions, but at least the question would break the silence.

_“Yeah. Listen, Xiaojun, I’m sorry about the Takoyaki.”_

_“It’s okay.”_

_“No, it’s not. I know it’s an… issue. I know I’m obsessed with controlling my food. And no, it’s not normal. It’s unhealthy and I’ve taken it to the point where I even risked my life before.”_

Xiaojun’s heart sunk and he tightened his grip on Kun’s hand.

_“I’m no longer doing that, but I still don’t have a normal relationship with it. It’s this little voice in my head that keeps telling me I’m fat and I shouldn’t be eating at all. I know it’s not real, I know I’m not and I can now look in the mirror and see that. I just need this… this control, to keep it small and ignorable. I wish I didn’t. I’m working on myself, so I won’t anymore. It’s just…”_

Kun’s voice broke off and Xiaojun waited for a second, before adding the word he was missing: “ _Hard.”_

Kun nodded.

They had arrived at the high rise with the plate “Heaven”, and Xiaojun unlocked the door, pulling Kun inside to sit on the lowest flight of the stairs.

_“Did, uh, did you consider asking Yixing about it? Or someone else there?”_

_“Yeah, don’t worry. I go every month. It used to be more when it was still worse. I’m sorry I’m not as perfect as I try to be. I’m sorry I’m not really as strong as I wish I were.”_

_“No, I don’t care, Ge!”_

_“You should.”_

_“Okay, I care if you hurt yourself and I wish you could just… not have the voice in your head telling you lies. But I get it takes time! It doesn’t make you any less perfect to me. I don’t need you to be strong at all times to be. I don’t want some idea of who you could be or should be, I don’t want to make you into someone you’re not, I want you, with weakness and with worries. That’s perfect to me! I mean, look at me! I’m a hot mess, but you still like me, right?”_

_“Of course! And you’re not-”_

_“See?”_ Xiaojun interrupted. He wanted Kun to see that he was ready to accept his issues just how he had accepted his. _“Of course, it’s hot as fuck if you are able to overcome worry and find confidence instead. But if you can’t, I still want to be here for you. I know you’re always there for me, even after my nth fuck up, but you can rely on me just as much, isn’t that what a relationship is about? Unconditional support and love?”_

There was a moment of silence, then Kun nodded. _“Y-yeah. It should be. I should maybe take a page from your book and become so mature and reasonable, instead of letting myself mope in self-doubt.”_

Xiaojun couldn’t help but chuckle at that, but he also felt immensely proud.

He wasn’t as confident normally yet, but with Kun, he could already be. He fully trusted Kun and he felt so safe and secure around him, he could already have these thoughts and this confidence he strived to have everywhere, all the time.

Without even doing anything, Kun was making him be his best, wasn’t he? Similar to how Yukhei would point out Doyeon’s strengths when she’d leave them out. It was one of the things Xiaojun found so amazing about a relationship, that were just a bit more special, a bit stronger than they were in a friendship.

Kun looked up at him and smiled. There still were some tears in his eyes, but the warm expression was so genuine, it made Xiaojun even prouder. Like so often around Kun, he felt his heartbeat pick up, his pulse loud in his ears.

Kun really had the most intriguing eyes and the most beautiful lashes. No one else could even compare, not to Xiaojun. He couldn’t look away.

And it seemed like neither could Kun. They were lost in each other’s eyes, in a world where only the two of them existed. Xiaojun felt a hand on his neck, Kun’s thumb gently running circles over his skin, and it felt like electricity shot through him from the touch.

Xiaojun was the first one to lean closer, his eyes falling shut as he blindly found Kun’s mouth, kissing him because he couldn’t think of anything but how much he needed to have him closer.

The grip on his neck became stronger, just enough to hold him where Kun wanted him, as he kissed back like he had no other thought on his mind either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mary Poppins Returns wasn’t even in theatres in 2017, I know, please don’t come for me.
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone made a really epic edit/Poster for LH <3 [Thank you!](https://twitter.com/ztbaemin/status/1166359278225154048)

Thursday morning, Xiaojun realised something was weird when Yuta didn’t turn off his alarm.

Normally, he hardly even heard it, it was short enough he could just fit it into his sleeping.

Today, it kept ringing and Kun stirred next to him.

Why was he not turning it off?

Was he even there?

Panic shot through Xiaojun. His thoughts immediately went to the balcony. He wouldn’t… right? He had promised!

Xiaojun easily freed himself from Kun’s sleepy embrace and stumbled to get to stand in front of the bed, looking into the upper bunk.

He nearly sobbed in relief when he saw a moving lump, that had to be Yuta. He grabbed the alarm clock and silenced it.

Maybe Yuta was feeling sick?

A cold?

Xiaojun tried to see better, but he was too short.

Without further ado, he rounded the bed and climbed up the ladder, carefully crawling up to where Yuta was fully buried under his blanket.

“Hyung.”

There was no reply. Xiaojun tapped where he assumed a shoulder. “Hyung, don’t you feel well?”

Again, he went ignored, and Xiaojun decided to un-pack the blanket bundle.

Yuta grumbled and tried to grab it to pull back up, but Xiaojun was faster than him.

One of his ears was flipped upside down, making a funny image, but Xiaojun didn’t feel like laughing.

“Hyung, are you okay?”

Finally, Yuta seemed to wake up. He ripped open his eyes, looking downright panicked.

“What? Xiaojun? How?”

He sounded normal, he looked normal, maybe a little pale…

“Are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, s-sure, totally.” Yuta didn’t smile, so he wasn’t okay.

Xiaojun quickly patted the pillow a few times, to flatten it to his liking, and laid down next to the other, curling up against him.

When Kun had taken extra time to cuddle him in the morning, he had always felt better.

He was sure Yuta would have to get up soon since his alarm had already rung, but a minute or two surely could be spared.

The other felt tense and stiff in his arms, but eventually relaxed when he realised Xiaojun was just trying to give him some energy for the day.

Neither of them said anything, but they didn’t have to. The sound of Yuta’s alarm ripped through the silence once more and this time he easily moved and turned it off. Xiaojun let go when Yuta pulled away to sit up. He ruffled Xiaojun’s hair.

“Thanks.” He was able to muster a small smile and Xiaojun felt a huge weight lifted off his shoulders. Just a bad morning then. That was okay, those could happen – even to Yuta. At least, he could smile a little now.

“Of course. And your bed is so much cooler, the upper bunk is always better.”

“I don’t think IKEA made this with the idea of having two people on the upper one, though.”

“Yeah.”

Yuta hopped down the ladder, and Xiaojun took the time he had to use his newfound jungle gym to its full potential. There was something so fascinating about dangling and balancing, always on the edge of falling. It was probably instinct-driven, but that was no longer a concern Xiaojun had when acting on something he randomly wanted to do.

“ _Kun-Ge! Look!”_ Kun grumbled something, but turned and opened one eye, to see Xiaojun dangle upside down from the upper bed. As blood kept rushing into his head, Xiaojun felt the scar on his forehead start to pulse. He considered putting a hand over it, to hide it. But he didn’t. There was no need to.

 _“To think I usually have to almost drag you out of bed.”_ Kun’s voice was a little raspy, but he opened both eyes and yawned.

 _“Normally, I have the boring lower bed.”_ Xiaojun climbed over the edge and, holding on tightly, he brought his legs underneath himself doing half a roll.

 _“Very impressive morning gymnastics.”_  Kun slipped next to him, snaking his arm around Xiaojun’s waist, and pressing a kiss to his jaw.

 _“I know, right?”_ Xiaojun giggled.

 

Today, the crowd of people in front of the court was much smaller than last week. It made sense, they themselves were much fewer in number, only Guanheng, Jaemin, Jeno, and Jaehyun going, Xiaojun tagging along carefully tugged in between Jaehyun and Guanheng.

While the random bystanders were fewer, the reporters had exponentially grown in number.

“Guys, thank god you’re finally here.” A girl with a neon green sash reading ‘Fair Hybrid Treatment Organisation’ breathed, a frantic look in her eyes.

“We’re on time!” Jaemin whined.

“I know, but everyone else was early! We need flyers.”

Jaehyun and Jeno each dropped a big cardboard box on the table, set up for the organisation, and she and a few others immediately started ripping them open and left in a hurry.

“Hi, guys.” Renjun beamed. Xiaojun spotted the slacks of his school uniform underneath the coat he was wearing, “We made sashes, the ones I told you about. I’ll have to go to physics and chemistry, or I’ll fail them both, but I’ll be back after. Here, this way you’ll be easier to spot and more recognisable in photos.”

 

Xiaojun, luckily, didn’t get a sash upon voicing he’d rather not get anyone into trouble if he did end up punching someone.

The affiliation was quite obvious, so it was still a risk, but Xiaojun was determined to be on good behaviour.

Chenle, for a lack of involvement, didn’t get a sash either, nor did Jisung, but Yangyang did and boasted about it until they left him to his own devices.

 

Like last time, Xiaojun distracted himself while the monsters came with the police escort, and Chenle checked to tell him when it was safe to turn again.

 

There wasn’t much to do. It was a waiting game because their only duty was showing solidarity. Xiaojun sipped the tea Taeyong had packed him, watching the green dots buzz around the square.

 _“So, while we sit around and just look pretty, how was your date?”_ Chenle asked, dangling his legs off the organisation’s table.

 _“Good, oh my god, there was a tiny human boy, who asked Kun-Ge if he was a leopard! He was so cute! And he wants to become a biologist to protect sharks! And his mom was so nice, too! She called us gentlemen instead of it and she thanked Kun-Ge for being so patient! Oh my god! Kun-Ge was so patient, literally, he explained everything to the tiny human and it was so great!”_ Xiaojun had grabbed Chenle’s hand and excitedly shook it.

Chenle chuckled, “ _Isn’t it too early to think about having kids?”_

_“Shut up, that’s not how biology works.”_

_“Be glad! You’ll be spared teenage pregnancy!”_

_“That’s such a huge worry I’d have with all the sex I’m not having.”_

_“Oh, right. Sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?”_

Xiaojun shook his head. _“Not if it’s like this, where it’s casual. Thanks for asking.”_

 _“Matter of course.”_ Chenle snorted loudly.

_“So, I still need to buy Jaehyun-Ge some peach themed thing to give him. Where can we get that?”_

_“Oh, right, I thought about it and had the best idea: do you know the peach emoji from Kakao Talk?”_

_“Apeach?”_

_“Yeah. We could get something with them. I don’t know how much you want to spend?”_

_“Oh, yes, yes, yes, I saw the huge Kakao Friends store in Myeongdong, but I didn’t have the chance to go inside!”_ Xiaojun clapped in excitement.

_“Guess we’re going to Myeongdong then. Saturday?”_

_“Yes!”_

 

Xiaojun let Chenle drag him along when he and the other two went to a fancy and expensive Chinese restaurant for lunch and spent the afternoon helping to ensure a smooth supply of flyers to wherever they were needed.

 

He only three times nearly wanted to punch some people, who were being rude, so it was a good day.

“Xiaojun, I see police exit the building,” Jaehyun warned, and Xiaojun made sure to turn his back where the entrance was located.

He checked the time on his phone.

“Aren’t they early?”

“The hearings aren’t fixed length. Once everything for the day has been discussed, they dismiss for the time being.”

“So, Taeil-Hyung will be done already, too?”

“Yeah, he should be.”

Xiaojun started twisting his phone between his fingers. So, he’d know if he was going to have to speak soon. That’d be decided today.

On the one hand, he didn’t want to.

He really wished the judge would just deny them as witnesses and focus on the thick reports there were on each of them. It wasn’t like anyone would really be too scandalised if they were rejected. Maybe a few, a little, but no one would question the judge or anything if they didn’t allow Hybrids to speak.

Xiaojun would get to stay here, where he was far away from the monsters. In safety, in peace and quiet.

On the other hand, Xiaojun wanted to slap himself for wanting to not be allowed.

Of course, they needed to be accepted as witnesses. No one else could confirm how they had been dragged into the business, had these accounts of how much abuse had happened, how absolutely horrible the circumstances had been, and how painful the things done to them. Not to mention, any human in the same situation would have been in that court from day one on.

He wanted to be treated equally, that meant speaking against the monsters, how a human would, even if it was hard.

But that was the thing. It was hard.

He had no idea what questions the jury might ask, worse, the opposing side’s lawyer. He had a general understanding and Mr Wu had given him pointers, but he also couldn’t read the other people’s minds. They could just decide to not believe a single word, and there was little Xiaojun could do.

Not to mention, you had to be calm, polite, and generally professional in a court. He barely had himself in control when people made derogatory comments. Having to give witness and retell the things that still haunted him, and then be written off as a liar when that was the thing he hated the most, while the monsters would be there, grinning and knowing they’d yet again get away with it? It was terrifying!

The stress and expectations were crushing. He had tried to push them away for the last week, had gotten them somewhat under control so he could live life as normal, but now he was faced with them and felt like he hadn’t made any progress in getting to terms with what might be asked of him at all.

If he’d just not be allowed, he’d not have to face any of these worries, yet, if he wasn’t allowed, there was no way to really contribute to making sure the monsters got locked up where they belonged, for as long as possible.

The anxiety made his breath come shorter and nausea rise in his chest.

Wild chattering suddenly picked up from the entrance, and Xiaojun nearly turned to check what was going on but remembered not to. It was likely just someone exiting that the reporters wanted a statement from.

“What’s going on?” He asked Jaehyun, who was craning his neck.

“Defendants coming… Oh, there’s Taeil-Hyung.”

Xiaojun’s heart started racing and he was quite sure he’d throw up.

“What do you think they decided? What does he look like?” Xiaojun urged Jaehyun, hearing his voice tremble.

“I don’t know.”

Xiaojun carefully glanced over his shoulder and easily found Taeil making his way through the crowd. His eyes landed on the police, pushing someone along.

He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t look away.

It was only the side profile, but the face was burnt into his memory and it felt like he was in front of Xiaojun.

His mouth suddenly tasted of blood, and every muscle in his body tightened, getting ready to flee.

How on earth was he supposed to face them? How on earth should he be in the same room and much less say a single word against them?

He felt like he could feel the hits of a whip over his shoulders, the pain of a high voltage shock running through his body.

 

Disobedient.

 

“Yes! The judge ruled yes! They’ll take statements from all 24 Hybrids kept with fake passports, as well as Xiaojun and Ten!”

 

Xiaojun heard yells and yips of triumph.

It was a goal they had been working toward.

When someone slapped his back and hugged him, he knew they were over the moon because someone would finally listen to them. Authorities were taking them seriously enough to give them the chance to tell their story and it’d be taken into consideration when deciding over their abusers.

He should be screaming and jumping along with the others.

But he couldn’t.

The fear he had not been able to put in his past, where it belonged, controlled him to the point that he could nether laugh, nor jump, nor scream, he couldn’t even cry.

He was just so scared!

What he was going to have to do, was against everything they had told him to. It was what would make them livid, furious, and they would take all of that out on him, by putting it into hits so he could feel how angry they were. As the people around him moved, they seemed to turn into an unidentifiable mass in front of his eyes. A high static sound rang in his ears, making him feel disoriented.

“Xiaojun, are you okay?”

No, he wasn’t okay.

Why was he not okay?

Why couldn’t he just be happy over getting the chance to be listened to? Why did the fucking monsters always have to ruin everything? Why, even when he had the chance to finally bring them to justice, did they have to sabotage his life?

Wait, was anyone even going to listen?

Who would do that?

That had to be a joke, no, he was just planning to disobey, wasn’t he?

Because he didn’t want to do what he was made to, because he tried to fight what hurt. Fighting what hurt would only cause more pain. That was how it worked, right?

Why did he suddenly think it was different?

The sting on the skin of his back was real – or was it? No, it was just an echo. Xiaojun tried to remember it was a memory, but it wouldn’t go away. It felt like they would grab him any moment, yell in his face, slap him, push him around – or were they already? It was so loud, there was definitely hands on him, but it was hard to tell, everything was so all over the place and he felt so sick, so scared…

“Xiaojun, you worry me, please answer.”

Xiaojun knew the voice was familiar, it felt safe, but he couldn’t quite connect it to anyone or anything.

Why didn’t he know who this was? What was going on? Where was he even?

None of this fit!

He felt his muscles flex, trying to ease the pain, but it only got worse. He couldn’t hear anything, but he felt the pain from being hit. It was real.

 

Disobedient!

 

There was no safety here. It was all an illusion. No one was safe, they’d only abandon him, they all always had!

But where should he even go to?

He looked around in panic, but everything had turned into a blur. Someone seemed to move next to him, but he couldn’t focus on them.

He had to try and get away. Run somewhere, anywhere, where it was safe. Where was it even safe?

Where he was alone, so no one could hurt him!

He tried to run past where no one seemed to be moving, but someone grabbed his arm, holding him back.

New fear shot through him.

“No, no please, no, please don’t hurt me, please!” Xiaojun knew the hold all too well. It was brutal, the most effective grip.

They always used it to hold him down.

The next thing would be a slap in his face, then, they’d rip away his clothing. He knew they would, but he couldn’t wait for it to happen, he had to get away, to safety.

He fought back to keep his other arm free and hit something with his elbow, but the hold wouldn’t loosen.

He tried to break away by using all the force he could utter to throw his body the other way, and it worked. He stumbled a few steps, then caught himself and turned to run.

Away. He had to get away.

Just where to? He couldn’t properly see where he was headed, but he kept pushing forward, his legs carrying him easily. Nausea made it hard to breathe and Xiaojun wasn’t sure he was even moving, but no one grabbed his arms again, he had bought himself valuable time. He had to make use of it, he had to flee.

He couldn’t have a single more customer.

Death would be better than that.

If there was no way out, he’d rather die, right now! To end this misery they had put him into.

Something bugged him about the idea.

Thinking and running didn’t work together. He felt so sick, and exhausted, he had to slow down. He felt himself dry-heave, and dizziness from the lack of oxygen added to his state of confusion and pain.

He just needed to get somewhere safe!

Taeil’s home, a voice in his head supplied. It was safe there!

Was that even real?

Maybe, he had just dreamt that.

No, it had been real, hadn’t it? It was his home, too, not only Taeil’s. It was where his family lived. Did he have a family?

Xiaojun wasn’t sure where the line of reality and illusion was anymore. Was the pain the illusion and the safety reality? Was it the other way around?

No, no, he had a home! That was reality! He no longer got punished, there no longer was anyone to service.

No, that couldn’t be true. He was made to serve, that was his duty, his purpose!

Why was he so confused? Why was everything so scary?

He came to a halt and at the same moment, someone caught him and wrapped both arms around him.

Immediately, new panic rose in his chest. He shouldn’t have waited until he had gotten away, far away. Now, they’d drag him back and hurt him.

He tried to push against the hold, but he couldn’t even properly fight back, the grip much too tight.

But something was off: this wasn’t the normal hold. It wasn’t on his wrists, it didn’t hurt, and no one kicked against the back of his knees to take him down and fix him to the floor by his legs.

It was almost like a hug.

It didn’t feel scary, it was connected to feeling safe and supported, not to being forced and punished. Xiaojun didn’t quite remember why, but he was sure of it. He stopped struggling. As he did, he could hear someone’s voice:

“Xiaojun. Xiaojun, hey, Xiaojun, listen to me, Xiaojun.”

Slowly, the static in his ears softened, and the voice grew louder, repeating his name over and over. His name, his real name, not the horrible nickname. No, he was Xiaojun, a person, an equal, and not some toy they had tried to make him into.

He heard himself sob in short gasps and he slowly regained feeling, noticing there were tears streaming down his face, his entire body trembling.

“It’s okay, Xiaojun, everything is okay.”

He looked around and realised he was on the farthest edge of the park. The park behind the court building.

The court building where the monsters were being prosecuted.

The monsters that were far away and couldn’t get a hold of him anymore because Taeil wouldn’t let them, no one of his family would.

Where had he wanted to go?

This wasn’t even the way home.

“Xiaojun, can you hear me?”

Xiaojun nodded, his breathing too erratic to answer.

“Good, everything is okay, you’re safe. Try and breathe with me, okay?”

It was similar to what Kun had done with him, what Yixing had practised so many times, but Xiaojun was grateful for the support as he followed the soft counting to calm down.

At first, it was hard, he broke off before getting to four, but eventually, he managed to breathe in for four, hold for two and breath out for four, hold for two.

“You’re doing really well. You can hear me?”

“Y-yes.” Xiaojun whispered, his voice unsteady and thin, but it was there.

“Do you hear the cars rushing by?”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel this?”

Something ghosted past his ear, almost too faint to feel it.

“I do.”

“What do you smell?”

Xiaojun sniffed, trying to find something.

“Lenor laundry detergent.”

“Impressive. I do believe whatever I dump into the washing machine is Lenor.”

“The store-brand gives you a-a better price-performance ratio.” Xiaojun softly offered. He was no longer shaking all over, only his hands and voice still trembling.

“But it doesn’t smell as good. Can you look up at me?”

Xiaojun focussed his eyes on the ground first, towards where his head was turned. It worked, the dirt became clear in front of them, small sticks and leaves, wet from the damp winter weather, visible now.

He swallowed and took a deep breath. Shame burnt in his body, but he tried to reason it away.

He hadn’t meant to overreact. It had just happened.

He reached around the arms around him to brush his hair over his forehead properly, then did as asked.

It was a little weird to have Johnny so close and look at him. But this was nothing like how it was with Kun, there was no spark, nothing. Where Kun would normally be close enough for Xiaojun to count his lashes, Johnny was just way too tall, giving them distance naturally.

His face was set in a smile, but he was clearly looking for something, and Xiaojun waited to see if he would find it.

It seemed he didn’t, because his smile got more genuine.

“Do you think I can let go of you?”

“Yeah.”

The grip loosened and Xiaojun shook himself, quickly rubbed over his face, and brushed through his hair once more.

“Thank you. Again. I-I feel like I’m your charity case.” He still gelt a little queasy, but no longer like throwing up any second now.

“You’re not. I’ve been there, too. I have a lot of experience with panic attacks, as well as anger management issues, so don’t stress. Sometimes you need someone else to rely on, and if that happens to be your personal idol’s boyfriend, then so be it.”

Xiaojun sniffed and nodded.

“Thank you.” He felt like it wasn’t that big of a deal with Johnny not making it one. The shock was still in his bones, but he wanted to quickly forget about it.

“I love how you didn’t even deny Ten was your personal idol.”

“Well, he is. He’s so cool!” Ten also probably wouldn’t have overreacted like this from just a bit of fear.

Or… maybe he would.

He had told Xiaojun he had reacted similarly and ran away, long ago.

After all, Xiaojun wasn’t the only one coming from a bad place. There were others like him, and others who weren’t like him but still understood and supported him regardless.

“God, you’re cute!” Johnny laughed and turned to look towards where they must have come from. “Think we can go back?”

“Y-yeah.”

He took a step, but his muscles were all out of strength and his legs simply gave out under him.

“Whoops. Careful there.” Johnny had grabbed him before he could hit the ground and helped him straighten up. More shame burnt in his face. He felt so useless, so much like a burden, but he reminded himself to accept help and support. “I’ll give you a piggy-back ride, okay?”

Xiaojun wanted to protest and power through, going on stubbornness alone, but his knees were wobbly and everything hurt from how his body had tightened and over-exhausted itself during his run, he knew he’d probably actually eat dirt if he did.

So, he nodded and let Johnny pull his arms around his neck, which he had to crouch down for, then lift him off the ground with ease.

It gave him the chance to hide his face in Johnny’s jacket as they crossed the park, so he wouldn’t have to see if anyone else was watching his failure to live up to expectations. Knowing himself was bad enough already.

He only looked back up when Johnny said they were almost there.

Most people were gone. Xiaojun saw one lingering reporter, who kept looking his direction but luckily didn’t come over. The table had been removed, and all the rubbish and empty boxes been cleaned up. The only people still there were the others. When they saw them move closer, they crowded together, chattering quieting down.

Xiaojun noticed Jaemin was nursing a bloody nose and he fainty remembered hitting something with his elbow. Seemed like it had been him. New guilt ran through his body, but worse was the shame. That the others had seen him like that, it made him want to turn back time and undo everything, even if they’d understand.

Xiaojun tapped Johnny’s shoulder, wanting to be let down even if his legs were wobbly. It felt even more embarrassing to not even stand on his own.

Johnny immediately understood and gently let him slip to the ground, holding on long enough until he was sure Xiaojun would manage on his own.  

“We’re all good to go.” Johnny cheerfully announced, but the worried looks the others gave them didn’t stop.

“Thank you.” Taeil softly said and stepped closer, eying Xiaojun up and down, “Does anything hurt?”

“No.” Xiaojun softly replied, not brave enough to even look Taeil in the face.

“Thank god! Can I hug you?”

“If… you want?”

“Of course, I want,” Taeil assured him. Xiaojun felt him carefully lay his around around him, then slowly pulling him closer. “Xiaojun, I was so worried but I know it’s not your fault, please don’t blame yourself, you didn’t do anything wrong. We can talk more about the hearing, okay? So you don’t have to be so scared. I know it must be terrifying, I wish I could make it not be, but it’s not within my power, so let me at least try to help you?”

New tears were running down Xiaojun’s cheeks and he nodded.

“Okay. Let’s go home, alright?”

Home. Yes, he wanted to go home.

Again, Xiaojun nodded. Taeil let go of him, and Xiaojun stood open and alone, but only for a second, then, Chenle was next to him and hooked his arm under Xiaojun’s.

_“So, I thought about going to Myeongdong, and I was wondering how we’d best get there, and I think taking a cab makes the most sense. I don’t have to have a buddy outside if I take one, and I can drop by yours and pick you up.”_

Xiaojun was fully aware Chenle had not really thought about that. They both knew he hadn’t because his eyes were puffy and red just like Xiaojun’s own, but it made him feel like everything was okay, and nothing too terrible had happened.

Jaehyun silently stepped next to him, but he didn’t interrupt their conversation. He was just there in case Xiaojun’s legs decided to give out again, but he didn’t remind him they had and might again, he was just there to offer support if needed.

 _“I don’t know about the fare,”_ Xiaojun whispered back, squeezing Chenle’s arm tighter while they started moving down the street in a pulk.

“ _That’s on me, duh!”_

_“Oh. I see. Well, I’m sure that should work then.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today September begins, meaning, it is time to get my Halloween and Christmas mood started!!

Waking up to a video of himself freaking out posted all over the internet wasn’t exactly how Xiaojun had imagined his Friday to start. The quality was too low to really recognise anyone, and it abruptly broke off when someone with a neon green sash walked into the picture, but it was enough.

Additionally, Jeno was behaving oddly. He hastily slurped his breakfast soup, didn’t finish his rice and disappeared before anyone else was done.

He could live with the video. It couldn’t be helped, and there seemed to be a majority of understanding comments and it even was connected to the case and the abuse. He’d just stay off the networks that had posted it for a day or two, so he didn’t have to see it and be reminded. Problem solved.

Jeno, however, was a different topic.

 

Normally, the two of them would be having literature class before he had to go see Yixing, but instead, he, Sicheng, and Jaemin were standing in the hallway nervously, watching as Doyoung knocked on the door to the room shared between Guanheng, Jeno, Jaehyun, and Ten, into which Jeno had fled after breakfast and not re-appeared from since. He had locked it and not let any of the older Hybrids in, not even to get clothing. Guanheng was currently dressed in Taeyong’s.

Jaemin had a funny looking plaster on his nose, and there was a bruise that spread under his eyes, which looked rather gruesome, but he luckily had been easy to forgive Xiaojun when he had apologised yesterday.

Now, he was looking a lot more upset than he had back then, holding onto Sicheng’s sleeve and biting his lower lip impatiently.

“Jeno, please, come outside. Let’s talk about what happened.” Doyoung tried again.

There was no reaction. It wasn’t really surprising. Previously, Taeil had tried to lure him out until having to leave to be on time for the early appointments. Jeno adored Taeil (they all did). If Taeil was unable to get him to open, no one would be able to do it.

“What did happen?” Xiaojun softly asked Jaemin, but the other just shrugged.

“I don’t want to tell on him.”

“Jeno, we’re worried. You know we talk about everything in this household.”

Again, there was no reply, but now a faint sobbing could be heard.

“That’s it, I’m calling Donghyuck so he gets this door open,” Doyoung grumbled.

“I can try. It’ll be faster!” Jaemin offered.

“Do I even want to know? No, I don’t. Please, be my guest.” Doyoung stepped away. Jaemin reached into his pocket and produced two hair-pins.

“Is he still not answering?” Taeyong came from the living room to join the line of worrying Hybrids watching the door.

“No.”

“I also don’t understand what happened.” Sicheng softly asked.

Guanheng frowned. “Well, uh, it has to do with Xiaojun.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know if I should say it if he’s obviously beating himself up about it, but you don’t even seem bothered.” Xiaojun wrecked his mind trying to piece the information together, but none of it fit. What had Jeno done? When had Jeno done something? Why should he be bothered? How had he been affected?

“Well, maybe it’d be better not to have that many people, then. We’ll probably overwhelm him.” Sicheng pointed out.

“But there has to be a mediator, or we’ll end with another misunderstanding and months of fighting.” Taeyong immediately cut in.

“You can say names, you know,” Guanheng muttered.

“I could do it? I think Jeno wouldn’t be too hostile towards me. Does that work for you, Xiaojun?” Doyoung suggested.

He was right, Jeno did have a bit of lingering admiration for Doyoung, similar to what Xiaojun felt for Ten. Then again, that might make it harder to admit weakness in front of him.

Xiaojun quickly considered the other choices. Jaemin and Guanheng both weren't in a role superior enough to lead such a conversation, Taeyong was extremely sensitive to fighting, and would probably not be able to rationally meditate but just try and quickly make peace rather than solve the issue, and Sicheng never got involved into other people’s business. Doyoung was the best choice.

“Yeah.”

The others shuffled from the hallway, leaving only Jaemin, still fumbling with the lock. Xiaojun wondered if maybe he had overestimated his skills, but then, finally, it clicked and the door opened a crack.

“Jeno, I’m coming in now,” Doyoung announced and motioned for Xiaojun to wait. Jaemin lingered around, hiding from sight like Xiaojun.

He could definitely hear louder crying now, and his heart sunk.

Doyoung softly talked to Jeno, apparently calming him down, and Xiaojun kept trying to sneak a glance. He really wondered what had Jeno this upset, and how it’d involve him when he didn’t remember anything happening, at least nothing that involved Jeno.

He hated knowing he would be the reason for the heartbreaking sobbing, and he just wanted to go and hug Jeno to tell him it was okay and he should laugh and be bright and happy again, how he usually was.

“Xiaojun, could you come in?”

Jaemin threw him thumbs-up, and Xiaojun slipped inside the room. Jeno was in a blanket bundle on the bed, head dipped and hair messy.

“See? He’s not mad with you.”

Xiaojun nearly stumbled over his own feet. He? Mad? What? Why?

Jeno glanced up, eyes shiny and red, and Xiaojun awkwardly stopped in front of the twin bed, pushed against the lower bunk to create more space.

“Hyung, I’m really sorry.” Jeno pressed out, looking down again.

Xiaojun looked at Doyoung in confusion, and the bunny quickly gestured to his wrist.

Suddenly, the pieces fit together in his head.

He had automatically assumed Jaemin to have been the one to try and hold him back, seeing how he was the one with the broken nose and bruising. He clearly had been in proximity when he had hit to try and free himself, so he had concluded that. Xiaojun hadn’t even considered there might be any feelings of guilt on the other party’s side, fully seeing himself at fault and the situation resolved by apologising and being forgiven by Jaemin.

He should have been a little less self-centred.

“It’s okay, you didn’t do anything!” Xiaojun hurried to announce, quickly sitting down on the bed and reaching out to where Jeno was sitting.

“B-but I-I did, if I-I hadn’t…” Jeno’s voice broke in a sob. “I made everything w-worse and I should have known y-you didn’t like being grabbed by your wrists but I stupidly d-didn’t remember and I only made it so much worse and instead of letting go I didn’t because I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you! As you said, you didn’t remember. I hit you so many times because I didn’t remember and you always forgave me easily and said it was your fault. That’s what happened.”

Jeno sniffed loudly “Really? Just… like that?”

“Of course!” He didn’t have to hesitate for a single second. Jeno was not to blame, no one was really to blame, other than maybe the monsters. When in doubt, it was always them. Not to mention, he hadn’t just come up with the comparison – Jeno had selflessly forgiven him over and over and over. Now there was one slip up on his behalf, of course, Xiaojun would do the same in return for him!

“You’re really actually so nice, thank you.”

Xiaojun was about to say he wasn’t, that Jeno was the one being nice first, but stopped himself. They could both be nice, there was no reason to not be, and clearly, Jeno felt guilty and needed to hear it was okay, not be bombarded with reflections of his apology.

Plus, Xiaojun was actually ridiculously happy over being called nice.

“Thank god, that was easy to clear up. Now, how about you two hug?” Doyoung encouraged.

Xiaojun scooted over the bed and hugged the sniffling blanket bundle.

“I think we can scrap the literature class. Take your time to calm down and recover, okay?” Doyoung gently encouraged.

“I didn’t finish the reading anyway.” Jeno peeped while slowly unwrapping himself, to hug back tighter, and Doyoung sighed deeply.

 

Where Xiaojun normally hated waking up and hated being woken up even more, today it was kind of different, nicer, he wasn’t sure why, but… oh yeah, that was definitely someone giving him an amazing neck massage.

Xiaojun felt himself starting to purr and lean into the touch more.

“ _Morning,”_ Kun whispered and Xiaojun sighed happily.

Unfortunately, he stopped his massaging and Xiaojun opened an eye, hoping to convince Kun to continue.

“ _You have a shopping date with Chenle, don’t you?”_ Kun reminded.

“ _But only at ten.”_

_“Well, that’s in three hours. And I need to go to work. Come on, you need to eat breakfast.”_

_“You, too.”_

_“I wasn’t going to not.”_

Xiaojun sighed and reluctantly let go of Kun to get up, but not without stealing a kiss.

 

Chenle was right on time, releasing Ten, dressed much too thinly for the temperatures, back into the warm flat.

The taxi driver looked into the back-mirror and frowned deeper, but Xiaojun ignored him.

 _“So, I have some greaaaat plan for later.”_ Chenle grinned mischievously.

_“What is it?”_

_“It’s a surprise.”_

The taxi pulled into traffic. While not as smooth as Yukhei’s ride, it was still relatively quick and easy - If it weren’t for the driver continuously giving Xiaojun nasty glares through the mirror.

When Xiaojun voiced it, Chenle started to change how his legs were folded every other minute, each time, very unfortunately, knocking into the back of his seat.

 

Myeongdong was buzzing with life, despite the early hour. _“Since we’re here, I have a list of quick errands. But let’s do the Kakao friends store first.”_ Chenle suggested. Xiaojun was relatively unbothered. He had nowhere to be, his homework was 90% taken care of, he only wanted to enjoy the day to the fullest.

 

They didn’t do the store first. Instead, they got bubble tea and then Chenle played with a tiny dog, someone had left in front of Woori bank while doing their business. Xiaojun found it sort of cute and the similarities were uncanny.

 

By the time they finally arrived at their destination, his drink was already gone and he was freezing – getting an iced tea had perhaps not been the best idea, but when with Chenle, Xiaojun found himself abandoning good ideas in favour of having fun more times than not.

 _“I need a picture with Ryan!”_ Xiaojun squeaked, not having remembered the huge teddy bear in front of the store. He was dressed handsomely in light blue, blocking the entire two-story front of the shop, looking gigantic and fluffy. _“It’ll be my new profile picture!”_

They had to wait in line for a bit, seeing how popular Ryan was with the tourists. Xiaojun got colder by the minute, but it couldn’t be helped.

It felt a little weird to not have Mandarin as their own secret language that people around wouldn’t understand. Normally, at best, there’d be a few other Hybrids able to listen in. Now, there were conversations held in Chinese both in front and behind them in the queue.

It almost felt like it had been back in China, where he had grown up. Xiaojun was sure, were he ever to go back, which was unlikely, but still, he’d be super confused by everyone suddenly speaking the language.

When it was finally their turn, Chenle took the part as the photographer and Xiaojun felt reluctant to let go of the huge teddy bear after the pictures had been taken.

Chenle also patiently waited while Xiaojun inspected every single item inside the stop, before deciding on a very cute Apeach headband for when Jaehyun did his face care routine.

In turn, Xiaojun scent-tested 23 different lotions, in his role as the trusty shopping assistant, before Chenle picked the one he had been using for years, was introduced to the wonderful world of 300 types of cotton pads, and snatched a free face mask by beating the sale’s assistant in three rounds of rock-paper-scissors.

 

When it neared 12 pm, Xiaojun’s tummy started to announce it wanted to be fed.

_“Did you bring a dinosaur?”_

_“Noooo.”_

_“There the dangerous Tyranno Saurus Rex goes, it’s the most lethal apex predator.”_

_“Chenle!”_ Xiaojun nudged his friend, trying to stop him. Suddenly, his eyes caught on a very familiar figure. Bold, warm tones and rich black… _“I think I see Kun-Ge!”_

_“Well, time for the special surprise!”_

_“What?”_

_“I’ll be handing you over to prince charming, so you can spend a romantic lunch and go on a date right after, or is the lunch part of the date? Ah, I’m not sure.”_

Xiaojun gaped at Chenle, then looked where, very clearly now, Kun was waiting.

_“I know, I know, no need to thank me.”_

_“Thank you!”_ Xiaojun quickly squeezed Chenle in a tight hug, _“Will you get home safely?”_

 _“I’ll take a cap, no worries.”_ Chenle beamed and Xiaojun nodded, before turning to hurry over.

Kun had clearly already spotted him as well, but still hadn’t prepared for Xiaojun jumping onto him in his greeting hug. A random passer startled when Kun groaned and stumbled backwards to balance himself and Xiaojun.

Xiaojun didn’t care about anyone around. He wanted to experience all the things he had been wanting to do when he had seen them in others’ relationships.

Before Kun would collapse, he brought his feet back under himself and let go of him.

Just on time, his stomach grumbled loudly once more and Kun rose his eyebrows in clear amusement.

_“Hungry?”_

_“I’m starving!”_

_“We can’t have that. Come on, there are amazing restaurants here, where you can choose the fish and seafood from an aquarium. It’s on me.”_

Xiaojun grabbed Kun’s entire arm and squeezed it in happiness.

_“Thank you!”_

He wished he could kiss him, but he didn’t quite dare to in the middle of the street. He knew that was considered improper and he didn’t want to stick out, or, worse, make people feel encouraged in seeing him as some scandalous and sexual thing.

 _“Did you buy anything good?”_ Kun asked and they started shoving through the masses.

_“Yes! We went to the Kakao store and I bought a headband for Jaehyun-Ge. Do you know the huge Ryan in front of it?”_

_“No. I’ve not really been here, other than to eat a couple of times,”_ Kun admitted, his voice taking this tone of worry and insecurity like he expected to be taunted or scolded.

Xiaojun quickly checked over his shoulder, but Kun’s tail was there, swaying in rhythm with his steps, and a smile spread on his face instead. He pushed against his side tighter, and just ignored what Kun felt insecure over. It wasn’t a big deal, he didn’t need to make it one!

_“There’s a huge Ryan, you know Ryan, the bear from Kakao Talk, in front of it, seriously, he’s two stories tall, and super soft and dressed, too, and you can take pictures with him. Wait, I’ll show you!”_

Xiaojun excitedly pulled the photo up, letting Kun stir him around anything on the street he might risk running into.

Kun nodded and then zoomed in on Xiaojun – not appreciating the bear to the appropriate amount, but Xiaojun couldn’t really care if Kun was looking at him instead.

“ _You’re so cute!”_ Kun muttered, and Xiaojun felt his face heat up despite the cold temperatures.

 

They arrived at the restaurant Kun had talked about and, true to his word, there were aquariums right at the door. Plenty of small tanks each were home to a different type of fish or crab or mussel. The restaurant wasn’t overcrowded, the location further down a side street giving it the advantage of being a little harder to find.

However, Xiaojun was utterly disinterested in finding a spot to sit and instead was fixated on the aquariums. The water being filtered and blubbering didn’t bother him anymore whatsoever, so he could take his time to appreciate the slowly moving animals inside.

“May I help you?” the voice of the waitress tore him from his personal finding Nemo adventure. “Are you still waiting for your owner? Do you need a table? For three?”

“No, just two.”

She furrowed her brows in confusion and hesitated. Xiaojun prepared for a comment, but she got over herself.

“Right. Well, over there or over there, please choose.”

Xiaojun threw a last glance at the fish and then followed Kun to the table far in the corner.

 

He actually did get to go back to the fish wit the waitress, to decide which one the cook would prepare for them, and Xiaojun hoped to have made a good decision. Maybe going with which looked the prettiest wasn’t the smartest way to choose lunch, but it had been his way.

_“So, I thought we could go on a small walk after. Have you heard of Namsam park?”_

_“Ge, are you kidding? All the romantic dates take place there!”_  Xiaojun gasped. Did Kun want to go there? With him? Xiaojun’s heart made a small summersault in his chest.

_“Oh, that’s probably true. I thought going there would be nice, even if it’s a cliché. It’s a bit away, but not too far, we could easily be back home before dinner.”_

_“Wait, don’t you have to work?”_ Xiaojun hesitated. Kun rarely had Saturday off.

But the other only grinned and shook his head, “ _I have generous vacation days. I won’t have to be back.”_ Xiaojun felt even warmer inside over realising Kun had taken off just to spend time with him.

Not only had Kun taken the afternoon off for Xiaojun, but he had also treated him to amazing food – Xiaojun’s choosing strategy hadn’t been a bad one – and now, they’d go to a super-romantic place.

Xiaojun felt himself swooning and he didn’t stop, despite the subway being crowded and something smelling of old cheese in the wagon they were squeezed into.

 

With neither of them being particularly set on walking, they rode the bus up to the mountain. It was very clear they weren’t the only couple going, but Xiaojun definitely had the most handsome boyfriend out of everyone.

Wait.

Were they boyfriends?

Xiaojun considered it for a moment. He liked the word, he wanted to call Kun his boyfriend. But they had decided to take it slow and see how it went. Xiaojun didn’t want to jump the gun and bring that discussion up yet.

In his head, there was no one to judge him, though. So, he smiled to himself and stuck with it. It felt right and it felt good.

 

It was a little frosty, but the view was well worth it, Seoul stretching out below them like a toy-town. From here, he could see much farther than from Taeil’s balcony.

 _“I never realised how many hills there were. And how many trees.”_ Xiaojun muttered. _“It doesn’t really look like a concrete jungle, does it?”_

 _“No, there’s so much green breaking it up in between. I don’t really think the term fits with any city, not one I know of at least. Even New York has parks in between.”_ Kun agreed, playing with the threat that stuck from Xiaojun’s glove.

 _“I think it’s a state of mind, rather than an actual description. When you’re on the street, you don’t see anything but the houses surrounding you, only the endless concrete.”_ Xiaojun mused.

_“I like that, state of mind. You’re sometimes stuck in that and only see what’s right in front of you, instead of thinking out of the box.”_

_“Kun-Ge? Where are you from? Originally? You never told me.”_

_“You never asked. It’s a small town in Fujian. It was super far off from anything, we didn’t even have TV and hardly any reception. I remember, my breeder had to go to the post office whenever she had to make calls. But yeah. It’s not too exciting.”_

_“I think it’s exciting. Everything about you is!”_

Kun blushed a little, a smile spreading on his face, and he nudged Xiaojun with his shoulder.

_“Did you read a lot when you were younger? Is that why you know so many Hanzi? Because there was no TV?”_

_“Yep, you guessed right. My breeder had plenty of books for us, and for herself, but we were allowed to choose whatever we wanted to. There’s not that much you can do if any sort of sport, other than Taijiquan, is forbidden due to injury risks. After a few rounds of doing the same puzzles and the same card games, they get boring, too.”_

_“Yeah, that’s true. But my breeder still didn’t teach us more reading skills, he just parked us in front of the TV with cartoons. Not even thought with anti-heroes or anything that might spark a slightly critical thought.”_ Xiaojun moped.

_“There’s no protocol to follow on what to teach and what not, not even within the breeding standard.”_

_“I know, I guess I’m just bitter,”_ Xiaojun admitted and turned back to look over the city below.

“ _Ultimately, I think we all are. We just shouldn’t let that inhibit us from making right what was wrong, now that we are given the chance to.”_

_“Yeah, I… I didn’t mean that.”_

_“Okay, just wanting to make sure.”_

Xiaojun watched the city for a few more beats, then remembered something: “ _Sicheng-Ge said in the future, we could maybe all live without owners, as citizens. That’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?”_

_“Wouldn’t you like that?”_

_“Yeah, I would, it’s just… I can’t even imagine it’d actually become reality, even in a hundred years!”_

_“I can. I’d like to have that future, where I can still be family with Taeil-Ge, and with the others, but live my own, independent life and don’t have to rely on Taeil-Ge for every decision, like a child. You know, a life where no one would ask if my owner is still coming, or where I could go anywhere I’d like without having to worry someone decides they want to cash in a few million by dragging me off the street and selling me on the black market.”_

Kun threw a brown leaf over the handrail and Xiaojun watched it fall for a little.

 _“Did that happen? Is that why it scares you so much?”_ He asked softly, not looking directly at Kun, but holding his hand tightly. He was scared to push too much, but he wanted to know everything, even the not-good parts about Kun.

 _“Yeah. It did. I was stolen from the auction where I was supposed to find the highest bigger. They were willing to pay so much for me, it made the risk worth it. Auctions are always a gamble. Someone might just be willing to blow more of the money they don’t even know what to do with anymore than you. Since Bengalese are kept a rarity to make us sell for these prices, it seemed the safer way for that person to just take me._ ” Kun stared down at their interlaced fingers. His voice was sad but steady.

Xiaojun guessed this had once been something he hadn’t been able to talk about either, one of those memories so terrible you didn’t know what to do with them because they needed stitching but you only had plasters.

He squeezed Kun’s fingers tighter. It was both awful: that he was stolen, that that was even possible, and that he had been kept at an auction house like a Picasso drawing. _“I guess it’s the same for most of us, right? Once you’re in the black market you usually don’t leave it again unless you’re lucky enough to be saved. I moved from one hand to another. I was just a status symbol, nothing more – for better or worse.”_

It was the same, yet it wasn’t. But yes, Xiaojun understood the fear and the helplessness that Kun must have experienced – similarly to himself. _“Sometimes the owner had more Hybrids and I wasn’t alone. Others didn’t, they didn’t even have any special interest in Hybrids and had just happened to obtain me through some deal. They just forgot I wasn’t a vase and wouldn’t give me food for days. My… eating issues, they’re because of it. So, yeah, I’m still scared it’d happen again because the first time had been so easy for them. There are so many ways to exploit the system while we’re treated like wares.”_

Xiaojun couldn’t help the tears that ran down over his cheeks, burning on his cold skin.

_“I-I’m sorry, Ge. That… that’s awful.”_

_“Yeah.”_

Xiaojun let Kun wipe away his tears and puffed his chest a little:

_“But now, I will make sure it won’t happen again!”_

Kun chuckled and squeezed his cheek a little: _“I’m sure the black market is a lot more terrified of you than you think they are.”_

 _“Obviously.”_ Xiaojun knew Kun wasn’t referring to his acceptable, but easily avoided, punches and scratches.

The black market was far more likely worried over the damage it would suffer if Taeil’s case was successful and became common practice, if people started having inhibitions in just buying a Hybrid from anywhere, or treating it however they wanted.

And Xiaojun’s words could be the feather that’d break the balance.

 

Sunday started as the perfect lazy day. Kun made true of his promise to stay in bed, though by 9 am they were both too hungry and actually got up despite that.

Xiaojun did face and hair masks with Jaehyun, which had become a regular event. As the only two Hybrids with long fur in the house, they shared the struggle no one else had and Jaehyun had quite a lot of good tips on how to make Xiaojun’s tail and hair feel like actual silk.

Jaehyun also had to take extra good care of his skin because of his chronic dermatitis and Xiaojun saw no reason why not to put something on his face while his hair soaked, too.

After throughout inspection, he decided his scar had become a tiny bit less visible.

 

That concluded his relaxation. There were still some important things to do in preparation for the trial – it was coming closer and closer, almost half of the time had already passed.

His biggest fear was simply just seeing the monsters’ faces. Last Thursday, he had had a downright panic attack. He didn’t want that to happen on the day he’d have to speak. Preferably, he didn’t want it to happen again at all. It had been really awful.

The best way to get any better at handling their faces and the memories they brought, was desensitising himself in the safety of home. Similar to how it had worked with the water or with his scars – it was a strategy Xiaojun knew to be successful, even if it was a little hard.

With Yixing’s help, he had taken the first step on Friday.

It had been horrible at first but gotten a bit more bearable, and Yixing had tasked him with trying to do more if he felt comfortable and was in a safe space.

Xiaojun had pushed it off until now, but he wanted to show Yixing how determined he was. More importantly, he wanted to show himself he could do this.

The worry, he might not, had lingered and he had used every excuse to procrastinate on it. It seemed to be something he did when things were uncomfortable.

Jaehyun and Jeno had gone to the park with Taeil, to meet Jungwoo and Jaemin there, Taeyong and Doyoung were on a date, and Kun was quizzing Guanheng in Hanzi. There was no more good excuse to keep pushing it ahead, the living room wasn’t quiet but filled with soft, comfortable chattering. Not too loud, not too silent.

Yuta and Sicheng were on the sofa, reading a Manga together that had a girl with curly hair on the cover. It was in Japanese, so Yuta read and then translated, while Sicheng watched, ears perked.

It was the perfect setting, Xiaojun was sure this would help him. Kun’s soft Mandarin in the background mixed with Yuta’s just as soft Japanese and Korean. As he sat down next to Sicheng, on the free end of the sofa, his hands were trembling where he was holding his phone.

There were so many worries echoing in his head.

So many what-ifs.

Xiaojun had never liked those. They used to be about the behaviour of others around him when he still expected to be back-stabbed. Now, they were about his own reactions. But that didn’t make them any easier at all.

What if he couldn’t do it?

What if he’d not overcome it by Thursday?

What if he couldn’t speak?

What if the judge wouldn’t believe him?

What if, what if, what if?

The article took a moment to load on his screen, but when it finally did Xiaojun immediately had to close his eyes, nausea building in his chest.

He didn’t want them to have this control, he really didn’t. But they had. They weren't even here, yet they tormented him, and he hated it! He wished he was stronger, his recovery would be faster. He had to do this, he had to face them on Thursday. He wanted to be able to do this! If only stubbornness could get him through it…

Xiaojun took a deep breath and forced on eye open.

He took a glimpse and had to close it again.

He couldn’t do it.

How was he supposed to do this on Thursday? He could when Yixing was there – but Yixing wouldn’t be there with him. No one would. He was going to be alone.

It felt like there was a hole in his chest, similar to how he had felt before coming here, feeling like there was no one there.

He was going to miss this one chance, this extremely important date at court that could change so much, make things right, how Kun had said.

It was all his stupid head’s fault!

Suddenly, someone took his phone from his clammy fingers and the sofa dipped next to him.

“Imagine how stupid they’d look with some heart-shaped glasses… and a moustache… can’t even take them seriously…”

Xiaojun peeked through his lashes and watched Ten’s fingers stroke over the screen. He turned the phone and Xiaojun saw he had drawn accessories on every single one of them.

It did look ridiculous.

He definitely couldn’t take them seriously like that!

“I’ll do the first and you do the second, okay?” Ten suggested, scrolling down the article to get more photos. Xiaojun swallowed.

This was helpful! It was the same technique Yixing had taught him to use when meeting scary strangers: imagine them in a really ridiculous situation. Only visualised.

Ten was creative with how he decorated the first monster, using new colours and new pieces. When he handed Xiaojun’s phone back, he focussed on the monster that had already been defamed and not so much on the one that was still looking like himself.

But his brain was empty. Where Ten had easy come up with ideas, Xiaojun couldn’t even think of a colour to choose. Deciding was suddenly an impossible task. So he didn’t. Instead, he copied what Ten had drawn one by one. His fingers were shaking and the lines were wobbly, but the more he put onto the monster, the less he could see his face, and the less he was terrified of a simple photo.

 

The more pictures Ten and he drew over, the less terrifying the piercing stares became, and the less Xiaojun felt like he’d have to throw up.

 

They did it again, and again, until Xiaojun was the one doing the drawing and Ten was only watching.

When he closed the last screenshot and was faced with the original photo one last time, Xiaojun could swallow past his fear. It was still there, but it didn’t control him anymore.

He put his phone away and was about to thank Ten, and maybe cuddle a little, when Guanheng squeezed himself between them.

“You done?”

Xiaojun had his elbow in his ribs and too much Hybrid on one leg than felt comfortable.

“Yes, we just finished.” Ten chuckled, clearly having been spared – of course. Guanheng would never bother him like this.

**“Get off me, you’re fucking heavy and your elbow’s too sharp!”**

**“Oh, sorry, didn’t even notice.”**

**“Shut up, the jealousy isn’t pretty.”** Xiaojun playfully nibbled on Guanheng’s arm.

**“I’m not jealous.”**

**“And I hate octopus.”**

**“Shut up, go cuddle your boyfriend or something.”**

Xiaojun felt a silly grin spread on his face. He still denied it **“I don’t have a boyfriend.”** but mentally added a ‘yet’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys, I want to add a disclaimer regarding the systematic desensitisation I showed last chapter, just so no confusion can arise. It's a technique professionals do use, however, it's normally a much, much slower process that how I pictured it to be, since there's a risk of re-traumatisation - it's simply idealised how most things are, for the sake of not making this story super long and questionably boring. Ok, thanks ^^

Eventually, Monday rolled around, and with that the harsh reality of only getting a few short morning kisses before Kun had to leave for work.

Other than that, Xiaojun didn’t mind Monday. There was nothing dreadful about it, just his comfortable daily life. Or, well, almost daily, there was one special event happening:

“Welcome, to the lab of magic. Here’s where dreams come true.” Xiaojun eyed Donghyuck, who had spread his arms to present the kitchen. The level of cleanliness was questionable at best, but after seeing the mountains of rubbish in the living room, Xiaojun shouldn’t be surprised.

Here he was, having lived under the impression that Yukhei was the messiest person there could be.

What a terrible mistake on his side. He wasn’t by a long shot if he just found the right comparison, and Mark definitely made Yukhei look like Cinderella under the control of her nasty stepmother.

“The only magic happening here is that you can probably find plates that can walk on their own.” Ten drily noted and pushed past the orange tabby to unload the bag of groceries he and Xiaojun had brought.

“Maybe. But that’s still magnificent, isn’t it?” Donghyuck grinned.

“Can someone just explain who you’re making chocolate for? I get Ten-Hyung and Xiaojun, but you? Do you have a crush I don’t know of?” Mark asked from behind his take-out box of noddles.

“Please, it’s not like you know about every detail of my life.” Donghyuck snorted.

“Only, I do, because you overshare everything.”

“Okay, shut up! I’ll just make pity-chocolate for Renjun since he didn’t confess to Koeun and I worry she might have not magically noticed him.”

“If I didn’t know it was actually coming from a place of compassion, I’d ask you to not do it or probably get your ass beaten up.” Ten chuckled.

Questionable concern for friends or not - Xiaojun carefully stacked the chocolate Ten and him had bought, then ordered the decorations. He felt ridiculously excited.

“I’m surprised he even has friends.” Mark teased behind him.

“All the things I do for you and this is how you thank me? I’ll put myself up for adoption. Maybe Yukhei-Hyung wants a colourful addition to his trio?”

“Donghyuck?” Xiaojun carefully put a hand on the other cat’s shoulder, who closed his mouth and looked at him expectantly “Do you really think you and Yangyang living together is that good an idea?” It was a genuine concern. The two usually got on like a house on fire, much to the demise of everyone around.

Mark started laughing and Ten joined in, patting Donghyuck’s back.

“We don’t want Yukhei-Hyung to develop burn-out, so let’s focus on chocolate instead of dramatics, okay?” Ten suggested.

“I’m not being dramatic.” Donghyuck sighed dramatically.

Obviously, chocolate was not the best thing to give Kun, but if he made it himself and decorated it prettily, it’d be very personal and hopefully pretty to look at. Xiaojun still felt confident in it being a good present. He didn’t really know what else to do, seeing how he didn’t have experience with the ‘day of love’ but definitely wanted to participate. Chocolate was what was traditionally given, and it involved cooking – kind of.

“So, I’ve never done this before, Ten-Hyung’s never done this before, and I’m assuming you’ve never done this before?” Donghyuck summarised.

“Nope.”

“Perfect, let’s fuck it up!”

“Did you check the smoke detector? I mean, just in case something does catch fire again.” Mark asked.

“Please, have a little confidence in my skills.” Donghyuck snorted, but his eyes wandered up to the little box under the ceiling.

 

Ten climbed onto the counter and checked the smoke detector, just to make sure.

 

Xiaojun hadn’t made chocolate before, but he had obviously looked up what you were to do. It wasn’t hard because they were not going through the struggle of making them from scratch. Xiaojun would have kind of liked to try, but it was so ridiculously complicated he hadn’t really entertained the thought for more than 0.2 seconds.

They started by melting the three types of chocolate bars they had gotten and divided the different moulds Donghyuck (or Johnny or Mark, no one knew exactly) provided between themselves.

Xiaojun had passed on the heart-shaped moulds, not feeling confident enough in whatever relationship-status he and Kun were currently in, to give one yet, but had gotten two shaped like flowers, a star, and, the best to him, a music note.

There were two techniques he had seen online, one involved mixing two colours of chocolate by freezing the first layer and then adding another, and the other one was hiding some of the sugary decoration inside.

It turned out it was a bit more difficult than the internet made it appear because Xiaojun hadn’t considered gravity as such a big problem, so instead of effortlessly pouring perfect masterpieces, he ended up poking in the chocolate-mess with a fork to save decorations.

In between the mess, Johnny tried to get himself an apple and was chased out before he had even put a foot over the threshold, so they could keep Ten’s chocolates as secret as possible.

Donghyuck lovingly dumped one colour into all his moulds and added sprinkles that spelt out ‘let’s be forever alone together’ on his.

Ten had grabbed most of the hearts and was creating three-coloured chocolate. Needless to say, they looked amazing.

By the time Xiaojun was sure he had added too much decoration to all of his moulds (it had been so much fun, he hadn’t been able to stop himself), and everything was in the freezer to be ready to take home in half an hour, he had also eaten approximately half a bar of the ingredients. Possibly more.

Due to that, he felt so full he only managed to eat three chopsticks of the Jjajjangmyeon they had ordered for dinner. It might also be because the whole dish was so fatty, it disagreed with his tastebuds – spoilt from Taeyong’s attention to a healthy diet with good nutrition yet amazing taste.

“So, like, enlighten me: what exactly are you and Kun-Hyung even doing? I get you don’t want us messing anymore and that’s boring but okay. But I need details.”

“We’re not doing much.” Xiaojun popped more of the cucumber they had been given as a side into his mouth.

“Wow, don’t overwhelm me with details, please, that’s just way too much information.”

“Some people actually have a sense of privacy, you know?” Mark commented. He had eaten just over an hour ago when they had started, but he had offered to take Xiaojun’s leftovers, so nothing would be wasted. Xiaojun wasn’t sure where Mark put it. He ate like he had two stomachs, that was for sure.

“Yeah, no. Like, I know since Ten left to ‘look after Johnny’ that means they’re probably making out and I don’t need to go into that room unless I want to wash my eyes with holy water.”

Xiaojun wasn’t sure what to do with the image of Ten and Johnny making out, so, he kicked it from his brain. It just didn’t fit between his admiration for Ten and his growing admiration for Johnny. It was like seeing Taeil and Jungwoo hold hands – it gave him goosebumps.

“However, why did you tell us you didn’t have a crush on Kun before, hm? I know you normally don’t even tell a white lie, so I was wondering.”

“Oh, no, I genuinely didn’t know.” The cumbers were empty, which saddened Xiaojun a little.

“How do you not know? Isn't it sort of… obvious?” Donghyuck blinked, looking like it was truly puzzling to him.

“Yeah, well, in retrospective it is, but I thought my attraction was just… wrong? I don’t know.”

“Wrong?” Donghyuck raised his eyebrows and it sounded judgemental, but he looked worried, so Xiaojun knew it was just Donghyuck’s snarky nature shining through.

“Yeah, I was too stuck in my head and didn’t think outside the box.”

“You lost me, care to elaborate?”

“Actually, no, sorry.”

“Man this whole privacy thing just sucks. No offence, Xiaojun, but I’m literally dying for details.” Donghyuck moped, pushing around the last of his noodles.

Xiaojun appreciated he didn’t press further. He knew Donghyuck loved talking about every- and anything, but he also was terrible at keeping secrets, and while not a secret per se, this was definitely highly classified as personal information between only him and Kun.

“But you’re actually, like, dating?” Mark asked.

“Well, I guess we go on dates and figure things out.” Xiaojun nodded.

“Hm. Must be nice.” Mark hummed, eyes glassed over a little.

“Mark, literally, if you’d actually find going on dates nice, why did your girlfriends all dump you because of your _shitty courting_?” Donghyuck rubed his eyes, looking 100% done.

“I did take them on dates!”

“Going to see a freaking boring-ass football game is not a date, especially if you block off all conversation by saying you have to focus. _Anyone_ would feel unwanted there!” the Hybrid’s voice slowly rose, frustration lacing his words.

“I thought it’d be fun.” Mark defended himself, eyes wide.

“Then look for a girl interested in football and it could be, seriously, what am I to do? My skills as Amor are only so good, I can’t make miracles happen.”

Xiaojun wrinkled his nose.

“Are you dating anyone, Donghyuck?”

There was a moment of silence, then Mark started cackling, his eyebrows rising at a funny angle. He kept gasping for air to fall into new fits of laughter and clapping his hands like a seal, while Donghyuck’s frown grew deeper and deeper.

“I could be if I wanted. I choose not to.”

Mark choked on something but kept laughing more hysterically.

So, apparently, Donghyuck wasn’t dating anyone but probably not by his own choice.

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you’ll find a person you like and will make them like you back!” Xiaojun patted his arm in support, and Mark sounded like he was actually suffocating now.

 

Now, the real issue about Valentine’s Day was, that 1 – it was also Jaehyun’s special day, and 2 – it was a Tuesday. Everything combined it meant it wouldn’t be a lazy day, focussed on being perfectly romantic and amazing, spent cuddling and maybe kissing.

Xiaojun had to drag himself from bed 15 minutes earlier, so they could ‘sneak’ into Jaehyun’s shared room and ‘wake’ him up with a song.

Actual surprise and earlier getting up or not, it was a beautiful gesture and Xiaojun secretly hoped to get the same treatment, but it meant there was no chance to give his slightly over-packaged chocolates to Kun in the morning.

In the landfill of a flat Mark, Donghyuck, and Johnny lived had been a huge collection of ribbons and stickers that had no real purpose, and Mark had been kind enough to give Xiaojun two handfuls of them. Pretty much all of them were now on the chocolates and Xiaojun knew it was ridiculous but he couldn’t bear taking any of them off and essentially letting them know they weren’t pretty enough.

 

He sang his song for Jaehyun and got a bone-crushing hug in thanks.

He also ate cake for breakfast, which had its perks. But he hadn’t had the chance to even kiss Kun yet, which couldn’t be re-paid with however much cake there might be.

At least he managed to give him a peck before he went to work.

 

Other people cared far less, that it was supposed to be a normal working day.

When Doyoung was supposed to start their geography lesson, he was nowhere to be found.

“Shouldn’t we look for him and remind him?” Xiaojun tapped his pencil. Jeno’s phone made gruesome noises from where he let his garden plants take down Zombies.

“I think I know where he is and I think geography will be cancelled.” Guanheng scoffed. He already had spread his homework-project, a detailed map of the Amazonas with different indigenous tribes and their original land drawn into it. Xiaojun had been so curious to hear about it.

“That’s not fair! Where is he?” Xiaojun got off his chair and Guanheng grinned.

“Check the hallway, I don’t think you’ll miss it.”

Xiaojun felt like he was walking into a trap or something, but he still went to see what Guanheng seemed to know and he didn’t.

The moans were, indeed, impossible to miss. He didn’t even bother looking further and turned on his heel.

“What the fuck? Seriously, that’s why geography is cancelled?” Xiaojun whined and flopped back down where he had come from. Jeno started giggling behind his phone while Jaemin tried to hold back for the life of him, looking ready to burst.

“I know. They’re shameless. I even did my homework last night until 10 and now he’s fucking his boyfriend. This is unprofessional to the max.” Guanheng complained and twisted his pencil.

While he understood wanting to spend the day with his boyfriend all too well, Xiaojun was really at a loss for words why Doyoung would go this far if there was an Amazonas map to look at.

“I don’t understand why Taeyong-Hyung couldn’t have just sat with us. They could have held hands and we could have still had class.” Xiaojun moped.

“It’s really not the same, though?” Guanheng raised an eyebrow and Xiaojun rubbed his cheek over the table. It wasn’t? Couldn’t the sex have waited? This was all too confusing.

 

By the time dinner rolled around, Xiaojun still hadn’t given his chocolates to Kun, and he was starting to get impatient. He had tried during the lunch break, but there hadn’t been a good moment if he wanted to do it privately. Which he did. He didn’t care everyone seemed to know what was going on between then, he wanted to wait with officially announcing it until it felt right. Until then, he had to hold back from things like that a little.

However, he did want to give them to Kun today or the whole occasion would be ruined, and seeing how there weren't a lot of hours left for that, he needed to act sooner rather than later. In a change of strategy, he marched down the hallway to where Kun was currently changing in their room. If there was no time to make it a big romantic thing, he’d at least give them quickly now, before the TV drama started.

When he stumbled into their room, it seemed like he hadn’t been the only one with that idea.

 _“Oh, I just wanted to text you to come here, seems like you read my mind.”_ Kun smiled brightly. Xiaojun’s heart started racing in his chest when his eyes fell on the blue, almost purple ribbon around the small box Kun held. It had gotten a little less of a constant phenomenon, the heart-racing that was, so he wasn’t as used to it anymore and it felt more intense than it used to be when just looking Kun’s direction had set it off.

 _“Y-yeah, I guess.”_ Xiaojun felt his face heat up and he wasn’t sure what to do for a moment.

 _“I hope it’s not too early, but I wanted to give you something. Happy Valentine’s day.”_ Kun smiled so beautifully and oozed the confidence Xiaojun found extremely attractive in him. He had to be proud of his present and Xiaojun was both excited over getting something in the first place and already sure it was something amazing without even having opened it.

Xiaojun darted off from where he was still by the door and jumped into Kun’s arms, the other catching him in surprise but without trouble. He had learnt from last time, it seemed. _“Not too early at all! Thank you!”_

He let Kun set him down, well aware of his own body-weight and the lack of strong muscle on the other, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

 _“I have something as well._ ” Xiaojun dropped to the floor and pulled the small clear plastic bag with the stickers and ribbons all over it from underneath the bed. His bows were so plenty they made a very messy rainbow, but he regretted not having made sure to get the green of Kun’s eyes as well.

Kun looked at it with so much surprise and clear happiness, it seemed unimportant if the bow was green, pink, yellow, or striped.

_“Oh my god, are these self-made?”_

_“Yeah. I guess they’re a little over the top, just, uh, think of them as some really fancy royals from Baroque France?”_

Kun laughed and pushed his own box into Xiaojun’s hands. He accepted them and pulled open the ribbon to lift the lid.

And gasped loudly.

Inside, were actual pralines, not just molten chocolate, with delicate small flowers made from light purple fondant. Each was unique, one more beautiful than the other.

“ _Wow, they…they’re so pretty! How can you even eat these?”_ Xiaojun softly asked, not even daring to breath their direction out of worry they’d just melt and be ruined.

_“Of course, you can! Yours are self-make, if anything, they’re much too precious to eat.”_

_“Oh, that’s the point, you really don’t have to. I mean, they are a little over the top, but I thought they could just be looked at. At least that’s what I had in mind, so you didn’t feel pressured to eat them.”_ Xiaojun explained, _“But if you do eat them, I’ll be just as happy. Whatever you feel ready for._ ”

Kun gently put the bag on the bedside table and Xiaojun decided to do the same.

 _“I love that. Thank you. I’ll try and eat them little by little, so I can have both and really, thoroughly appreciate them. Really. They’re… perfect!_ ”

Xiaojun beamed in price.

He felt Kun gently put his hand in his neck, how he usually did to kiss him, and felt his eyes fall shut in anticipation.

Kun’s lips were softer today, and Xiaojun wondered if he had used lip balm in preparation when he tasted a hint of cherry. Curious about that, he let his kissed become a little more open-mouthed. He hooked a hand into Kun’s sweater, as he usually did, and kept kissing until the artificial cherry started wearing off. He felt that Kun slowly started to mirror him, opening his lips little by little, and Xiaojun got a little light-headed and breathless.

It was exciting, not scary at all, and not too much.

Kun kept being so gentle and careful, how he always was. Xiaojun felt him trace his tongue over his lips, then slowly lick into his mouth. It kept feeling good, though he got dizzier and dizzier, losing his focus how it happened so often when kissing because he just left all control to Kun.

He had never figured out how to properly do this, but with Kun, it came as easy as breathing. He almost guided Xiaojun’s tongue to explore against his own and Xiaojun felt safe to try whatever he wanted to but just as safe leaving to Kun to lead. It just felt so wonderful, everything about it – the closeness to Kun, the prickling all over his skin, and Kun’s hand gently drawing circles where he was supporting his neck. He could smell Kun, but he could also almost taste him, and Xiaojun wanted to never stop.

His grip on Kun’s sweater kept tightening as he tried to keep up but seemed to get distracted from kissing back by being kissed.

“Guys, I’m scared to open the door, but the opening has already started.” Doyoung suddenly yelled from outside, and their kiss broke.

“Look who’s calling the pot black.” Kun quickly retorted. Xiaojun took a few quick breaths, to calm himself, and licked his lips. His heart was still racing and he was only a little annoyed with Doyoung. He hadn’t knocked to remind him of geography earlier, too.

“Okay, well, just making sure. Anyway, get your asses to the living room or miss the dramatic resolve, I don’t care.”

Xiaojun glanced at Kun to check if they’d be going, only to feel his breath catch in his throat, unable to look away.

Kun’s lips and face were flushed pink, they often and easily did and it usually looked cute. He didn’t look cute right now. Xiaojun felt both like prey before the wolf and like a piece of art being admired. Kun’s pupils were blown wide, making the green of his eyes look deeper than it was. His gaze was dark, intense, and right on Xiaojun. It was almost hungry, but it wasn’t scary, not at all, not how it used to be.

It was just new, exciting, exhilarating even. Xiaojun knew this had been different from what they had tried so far. To see such a strong reaction in Kun made his stomach flutter even more than it already had been. He ran his fingers over Kun’s jaw, feeling his pulse thunder under them.

“ _Wo should probably go, or it’ll be very obvious,”_ Kun whispered huskily, and Xiaojun remembered how on-board he had ben over not yet making it public they were doing anything.

 _“I could go first, so you could calm down for another second._ ” Xiaojun softly suggested and Kun took a shuddering breath and nodded.

 

When he closed the door, Xiaojun had to take one, too. He wasn’t sure where to place this expression Kun had worn in his own head. He had a rough understanding of what Kun might be feeling, based on his continuous effort to understand it.

It hadn’t had the effect that Kun showing confidence, gentleness, or something else he appreciated in him, had – those were the things that made Xiaojun feel attracted and that made him want to kiss him.

Well, no, that gaze had made him want to kiss Kun, too, but it wasn’t quite the same. He kind of always wanted to kiss Kun, now, because he knew him so well and liked him so much. That was probably also why he hadn’t felt scared. Kun would not hurt him, he’d always listen and respect him. Kun liked him back, and not for a pretty face.

This didn’t even compare to being lusted after or leered at. He could even feel somewhat flattered he had been the cause of the reaction Kun had shown.

Yet, Xiaojun knew he hadn’t had the same desires as Kun had had.

He had felt fine not talking about it before, but now that Kun had looked at him like that, it needed to be addressed.

They had already been on two dates.

As much as he hoped it would be fine and they could figure it out within what they both were comfortable with and what met both their needs, there was a slight chance this would be a deal-breaker. Kun deserved to know and decide, and Xiaojun needed to make sure he didn’t get himself into something he couldn’t give.

It was a little hard to imagine what Kun’s reaction and thoughts might be, and it made the risk more difficult to calculate for Xiaojun. To him, love without sex seemed to make perfect sense, but he knew it wasn’t the same for everybody – people were too unique for one concept of relationship and love to fit them all.

He also didn’t want to demand Kun to cut back on his own needs and wishes. That wasn’t how it worked, that was much too self-centred. He’d never want Kun to have to fit into a box, that was what both of them were breaking away from and they couldn’t go and force each other back into one. Just because it’d be another Hybrid making the demands wouldn’t make it any healthier.

He could offer a few things, those he felt comfortable offering despite not really being interested personally. But Kun would probably have to adjust his expectations as well.

With all his heart, Xiaojun hoped Kun could do that for him, and that they could come to an agreement that didn’t make either of them unhappy in the long term.

Long term was, what Xiaojun wanted and planned for.

Because… because he really… really… really liked Kun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Art of Kun](https://twitter.com/KeiSugarbat/status/1197970195136098304) in this chapter <3
> 
> The secret of the hometown of the mysterious Qian Kun is a well kept one, I was unable to find out more than Fujian, China, but that’s a province so idk…
> 
> I wrote this chapter before the news of the terrible fires of the Amazonas rainforest broke, inspired by several cases that had been won by indigenous tribes that I both heard about from in the news and studied for my international law exam… :(
> 
>  
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of self-harm, suicide, and rape

Wednesday passed in a blur of nervousness, stress-cleaning, going to the park with Jeno just to run and let out pent-up energy, an hour-long video call to Chenle, and clinging to the next best person for dear life.

Xiaojun wished Thursday would never come, but, of course, it did.

Even discussing sex with Kun seemed preferable over this, but he really couldn’t deal with heartbreak before maybe the most nervewracking day of his life. He needed Kun, as his only-in-his-head-official-boyfriend, and he needed all of his friends and family.

Now was not the time for instability, the conversation had to wait until this was over.

 

“Xiaojun, it’ll be okay. You’ll give your statement just how you practised it with Ms Jung. Don’t even look anywhere else, just tell everything. They don’t get to ask questions until after.” Ten carefully ran his thumb over Xiaojun’s knuckles. His shirt seemed even stiffer than last time he had worn it, almost suffocating him.

He knew he could look at the monsters, but what if he couldn’t? What if the judge was mean? What if they thought he was lying?

Xiaojun tugged on his collar, brushed through his hair, and tried to still his tail, but it was doing whatever stress-movements it wanted behind himself.

He knew most of his family would be in the audience, for support. But no one would be in the witness stand with him. He had to do this alone.

And Xiaojun had never liked being alone.

Ten was right, he had practised his statement with the associate, who had been kind enough to come over another time to help him, and he knew everything he had to remember to mention. He took a deep breath in and slowly let it out through his nose.

It would be fine.

But he still wished it was already over.

Witnesses were to wait in an extra room, so they’d not hear the rest of the hearing and change their statements if they were making wrong claims, which was where Ten and he were currently being led to. The court staff looked a little bit like police officers did, their uniforms did anyway, but they didn’t carry weapons and looked overall just a little less stiff.

The door was pushed open, revealing that there were already plenty of people inside, and many looked up when they entered.

Xiaojun’s eyes flitted over them. He didn’t recognise everyone, but that was to be expected. After all, they had been isolated a lot and kept from interacting back at the brothel, and he, in particular, had kept to himself. He also hadn’t known Ten.

A few of them, he did know. He saw the realisation in their eyes, too, but mainly, he saw undisguised fear.

He got it. They were fresh out of there. Everything had to be terrifying, including choosing their own socks. Despite his own nerves rendering him nauseous and trembling, he felt sympathy for them, pity maybe. He felt not ready for this trial – he could only try to imagine how overwhelming it was for them.

No one talked, and Ten and he quietly sat down.

Xiaojun wished he had his phone on him, but it had been confiscated, just to be sure there was no information being exchanged.

He thought it was quite ridiculous to do that now when they could have already talked prior to even coming, but it was the rule, there was no getting out of it.

He was confident the judge would find no lies in the statements. It had actually, really happened – all of them here knew. The just had to tell it how it had been.

 

Just, what if they couldn’t say it, what if he couldn’t say it?

The worry kept lingering and made him grow more upset and nervous with every minute.

 

Passing the time was maddening.

 

Ten had thought ahead and brought a book with him. It was old and well-read, but he seemed invested in it and effectively distracted. Xiaojun should have brought his literature reading, but he hadn’t thought of it.

He tried to find the articles on celebrities and idols in the magazines lying around interesting, but they were hardly worth the read. There wasn’t really anything else to choose from, so, Xiaojun was stuck finding out which member of Twice would be his soulmate.

 

The first Hybrids, called to give their statements, were the guard dogs. They had been waiting in another room, but Xiaojun recognised their names when they were announced through the speaker.

Not that they had been called by them a lot, but he knew the most of them anyway. When one of them had gotten too lost in their aggression, the handlers had used their real names since nothing else would snap them out of it. Xiaojun had always thought it had to make them realise their dumb nicknames were worth shit but they hadn’t seemed to ever make the connection – or hadn’t wanted to.

They were the most likely to lie, in his opinion. He knew how deep loyalty ran in dog Hybrids. It was visible in the others at home, too. Like Jeno not being able to keep a secret from Taeil. Even if the person was cruel, their dogs were trained and groomed into being unmovingly by their side. From Guanheng’ experience, Xiaojun realised it could happen to anyone.

It seemed more likely one of them would fabricate a story, or even have perceived things differently. Xiaojun hoped it wouldn’t matter if they did and made it appear as though everything had been fully legal and fully okay back there. The other statements would hopefully dismantle their lies.

There wasn’t really much he could do other than hope – hope and not fuck up his own statement. Especially if it might gain importance due to others’ not being useable as proof or even work in the monsters’ favour.

 

Xiaojun tried not to think about it. It’d only put even more pressure on himself – which was the last thing he needed. He was already wounded tight.

 

It seemed like they were done after just three people, and when the next name was called, a bunny girl got up and was escorted from the room.

Xiaojun’s heart was suddenly in his throat. Only those kept illegally were interesting to the court, everyone else had been treated within legal boundaries. He hadn’t remembered that. He had expected there to be at least six dogs before any of them would be asked to speak.

The order in which witnesses would be called hadn’t been made public, again to avoid anyone making agreements beforehand, so it could be his turn next, of he could be the very last person asked into the room.

For all he knew, it could be him any moment now, and he had to focus on an unmoving object to keep nausea from overwhelming him upon realising that.

Each time someone was called and Xiaojun jerked up in his seat, expecting to hear his name, it was someone else.

 

One by one, the room emptied.

 

There was a short lunch break, during which they got served a simple meal, but he couldn’t stomach more than a few bites of rice – and neither could anyone else, not even Ten, though he was the seemingly calmest of them all.

Of course, he was.

Xiaojun had asked him about it, prior to coming, and he had said he had already faced these men in their worst and most terrifying form – when they had come for Xiaojun. Anything else was losing its horror in the face of that.

Once more, he wished he could be as fearless and brave as Ten.

 

Eventually, everyone was gone, leaving only the two of them, as well as the court guard who had been keeping watch so no one talked about the case and matched their stories. Actually, no one had really talked at all, and his job must have been quite easy.

He knew for sure he’d be called very soon now. After feeling sick and having his heart race in his chest all day, Xiaojun found he was suddenly neither anxious nor angry anymore. He wasn’t sure if it was the eye of the storm and it’d soon slam back in at full force, or if he had actually managed to calm himself down.

He wanted the monsters to be brought to justice, and he could take part in achieving that. It was a chance, a once in a lifetime one. He knew what he had to do, he knew his experience was true and he knew what had been done to him had not been right in any aspect.

He was going to convey it in the understanding what they had done was completely illegal and they’d never get away doing even half of it to a human.

He didn’t need to try and be like Ten. He was strong in his own ways and he had confidence in his own self.

 

When the speaker cracked and his name was called, Xiaojun took a deep breath and Ten patted his back gently.

He could do this! He was going to do this!

He stood up and walked over to where the door had been opened and a tired-looking court guard was waiting. He didn’t even waste a second to spare those lingering in the hallway a glance, nor their recording devices or anything.

The wooden doors were heavy and only opened a little for the guard and him to slip into the courtroom. He followed down the walkway in the middle without looking left or right, going right up to the small stand he was shown to.

He knew the monsters were to his left, so, he didn’t look to the left.

He knew Taeil was to his right, together with his lawyer and associate. But he also didn’t look to the right.

He, himself, had the power and the strength to do this. He was alone, at this moment, and he couldn’t let himself be distracted and doubts creep up.

He stared straight ahead, at the judge behind the huge wooden desk.

“Good evening. Let’s begin.”

It sounded like a threat to Xiaojun, despite his voice being calm and the words just a small announcement. To his nerves, it felt like it was more than it actually was. He took another deep breath.

He could do this!

“Your name is Xiaojun?” the judge asked, sounding like it had been a long day and he wanted to go home. His eyes were on Xiaojun like he pitied him.

It didn’t feel good, but at least he wasn’t overly scary. Xiaojun would convince him with his confidence in the truth of his statement, so he would see a Hybrid was just as capable as a human would in this place.

He didn’t need anyone’s pity!

“Yes.”

“You’re born 8th of August 1999 in Guangzhou?”

“Yes.”

“And your current owner is doctor Moon Taeil?”

“Yes.”

“You’ve fled the Summernight’s Heat establishment on the 21st of November 2016?”

“I believe so.”

“Why do you believe so?”

Xiaojun didn’t break eye contact. He knew his history. He had just had to have confidence. The original pity in the eyes of the man had already turned into a neutral and attentive expression, so he was doing this right. He’d just carry on exactly like this and it’d be fine.

“I wasn’t aware of which year or month it was at the time. I wasn’t given any information regarding outside. And I fled in a panic and couldn’t pay attention to anything other than getting away.” Xiaojun explained.

“Hmh. I see. Now, please fill us in how the defendants got into the possession of you?”

Xiaojun swallowed. He was tempted to look around, but he knew it wouldn’t help him. So, he kept his eyes on the judge.

“I was sold to a Hybrid shop by my breeder a week after my 14th birthday, as it was custom where I grew up. The shop was in Hong Kong. More people will buy luxury goods there because there’s no luxury tax, so, the sellers can ask higher prices for the Hybrids and the breeders can get more money selling them, making the trip worth the effort. To make sure I was fit to be sold, I was brought up speaking both Mandarin and Cantonese.

“However, only a week into my stay at the store, there was an issue with unpaid Danegeld. I didn’t know it was that at the time, but looking back, I can now recognise that was the issue.”

“Sorry, I need to cut in there, what makes you think it was about Danegeld?”

Xiaojun had anticipated the question and he had set himself up for it to be able to fit his explanation in now and not get the timeline messed up by having to back and forth if the judge noticed there was a gap later – or worse, thought Xiaojun had tried to make up a story. No, he was giving the whole truth right away, but in a way that’d benefit him.

“There were two men in suits coming to the store. They had expensive, flashy watches and tattoos up their necks. I wasn’t in the front when they came in but brought by one of the storekeepers when they were already inside.

“The shop owner said he didn’t have the money on hand right now, as his business had been slow, but he’d have it by the end of the week. They said they didn’t believe him, and accused him of spending it on a new car instead. They also said it had happened before and they weren’t going to be as forgiving this time, he shouldn’t try and push them.

“He told them not to worry and that he was being serious. As a token for his word, they could have m-me. For the week until… until he had the money.” Xiaojun took a deep breath. He recalled the exact words, but they didn’t hurt as much anymore. Being used as nothing but a bargaining chip, fully stripped of his sentience and turned into an object, didn’t hurt as much anymore.

But it was still the moment everything had gone downhill.

“I understand. Please, carry on and show me how this is relevant to how you got into the possession of the defendants?”

“Yes. So, as I said, I was given to the men for the week.” Xiaojun’s voice was a little shaky. It had been the most horrible week of his life, even more miserable than all the years at the brothel combined, because it had all been so new. The pain, the degradation, the fear. “They weren’t how my breeder had pictured my future owner to be, and I knew I hadn’t been paid for, so, I asked when I’d be returned after a few days. They just… laughed. They said they would not return me, and that the shop owner had brought that upon himself.”

“So, there was no agreement over a change in ownership, and they refused to return you after the end of the lease?” Lease sounded awful, like he was a car, but it was what it was.

“Yes.”

“And those men were Korean? Were they affiliated with the defendants?”

“No, they weren’t Korean, they only spoke Cantonese to me and I think we stayed in Hong Kong.”

“I’d like to know how you got to South Korea.”

“Objection!”

Xiaojun startled and nearly turned his head, but he remembered to not last second. He kept staring at the judge, who had his attention on the attorney from the left.

“I don’t see how any of this is relevant. Clearly, there was no involvement with my clients. He’s trying to paint a narrative here by adding what has no relation to them.”

“Mr Kim, we were getting to that, please be patient, I’m glad we at least have one witness here who can give us a clear statement, so let’s let us take a moment to get to the bottom of things. Objection rejected. Please continue, how did you get to South Korea?”

Xiaojun successfully ignored the lawyer’s words. The judge was fair. He didn’t downright think Xiaojun was making all of this up, and he was asking reasonable questions. He could do this!

“I changed owners within the group of men, that I first belonged to, a few times, but I can’t say for sure for how long I was kept there. I do know that it was summer again when it happened. My owner at the time had me and a couple of other Hybrids, and he liked to have us sit in the room when he had business partners over for informal meetings. He was making deals to sell Opium to the man from Korea.”

“Objection, that is a ridiculous claim. That is not part of this trial.”

“Oh, I find it extremely interesting. Not to mention, no one said anything about your clients being this person the witness is currently speaking of, objection rejected. Go on.”

Xiaojun had managed to cling to his last word and could seamlessly carry on. Internally, he patted his own back. He was doing well, he was speaking with confidence and he wasn’t forgetting things, nor letting the attorney distract him.

“He said he liked me, or, well, the translator said so. I’m not sure what exactly he said as I didn’t speak the language yet. So, my current owner said he’d add me to the deal if he would make business with him. That seemed to be in the Korean man’s interest, so they came to an agreement and I was handed over right away.”

“Without papers?”

“Yes, I haven’t seen my passport ever since being sold to the shop.”

“How did you get to South Korea then?”

“By ship.”

“Ah, to Busan, I assume?”

“I don’t know. They kept me sedated to make sure I wasn’t troublesome, and I didn’t know Korean.”

“I think the situation is very clear, but please give me a quick rundown of how you ended up at the establishment in question.”

“Similarly to the first time, I was passed around the group a few times, but I couldn’t say for how long, and I also don’t clearly remember how many men I was owned by, but I eventually ended up… there, by being passed on to the next person.”

“I think we got the bigger picture. Thank you.”

Xiaojun let out a small breath of relief. The biggest part was over, the one where he had to remember all the details and needed to make sure he was confident in every word he spoke. A small moment to relax, a small moment to acknowledge he had done well. It felt good, very good.

But it wasn’t fully over yet, he couldn’t leave. The additional questions from the judge and attorney were still to come. Those were the ones Xiaojun hadn’t been able to prepare for and was scared of in a different way than his opening statement.

“Now, before I allow questions from the defendants’ side, I do have one of my own regarding the reportings. Most things seemed easy to interpret, only one thing made me hesitate: you have a scar on your forehead, don’t you? How did that come to be? I cannot think of a way in which it’d be inflicted, yet it was accredited as old enough to stem from your time under the defendants care.”

Xiaojun reached up and combed his hair over his forehead, a gesture that had become almost reflex-like.

“It… wasn’t them who caused it, I was the one at fault for getting it.”

“Did you do that more frequently?”

Xiaojun knew what the judge wanted to go at: self-harm, as a means to discredit the proof there was. The emotional would still be there, but no one took that ever as seriously as physical harm, even with humans.

To think out of all his marks, this one, the one he had struggled the most to even look at and still couldn’t quick accept would be there forever, was the one that would be picked as the one that wasn’t ‘easy enough to interpret’ and was the one to make or break the evidence, was quite unbelievable to Xiaojun.

He had not inflicted this upon himself for the fun of it. He had not even inflicted this upon himself to take his mind off things momentarily, no matter how understandable it was someone would utilise pain like that in the situation he had been in.

He clenched his hands into fists, keeping his anger over the implication at bay.

It didn’t become a raging monster, making him forget everything around himself and possibly ruin everything at the most crucial moment. Instead, it helped Xiaojun to push past the pain, the loneliness, the fear, and the tears connected to everything about this scar in particular. He was able to control the anger, not let it control himself, and he could use it to boost his confidence and say the words he needed to:

“No. I only tried killing myself once while I was with them. I did it to escape the life they forced me to live. I survived and was given a second chance with a life in which I will not be slapped and whipped for even minor missteps nor be whored out by my owner to be raped by strangers multiple times every night. But I now have a few more scars from my attempt, to add to the countless ones they put on me.”

There was a moment of quiet in the room, no one talking, and no one shuffling papers, only the stenographer typing rhythmically.

“I think this cleared up everything very well, thank you, Xiaojun.” Xiaojun was still holding the man’s gaze, but now it held respect, not a trace of pity left, “Are there any additional questions, Mr Kim? Obviously, I advise you to not ask anything that will further incriminate your clients, but you must know so yourself.”

“No, I think everything was cleared up.”

“Good. In that case, you may leave now, Xiaojun, and wait outside until we can be sure we don’t need you to return for any questions that might arise later. We have one last witness, Ten Chittaphon?”

Xiaojun took a shuddering breath and turned over his right side to look for Taeil. He found him sitting next to the glaring Mr Wu and Taeil immediately broke into a smile and formed a “good job” with his lips. Xiaojun tried to smile back, but it was hardly more than a twitch of the corners of his mouth.

While anger had just been in his stomach and anxiety itching under his skin, he now suddenly felt like everything had burnt out the second he had been dismissed, leaving him weirdly numb and so, so exhausted.

He caught a glimpse of Doyoung, Johnny, and Yuta in the audience, but one of the court guards immediately was next to him, to show him out. Xiaojun’s legs were shaky as he made his way through the small walk-way.

Once the heavy door closed behind him, everything smashed down over him in an overwhelming mix, and he couldn’t hold a sob.

“Hey, boy, it’s over now, don’t cry!” the guard said. It sounded a little rough, but not like he meant to scold him but rather like it was his way of consoling.

Xiaojun tried to, but he was so relieved, so glad it was over, and everything had gone well, he couldn’t help himself. He sniffled and stumbled behind the man, blinded from the tears. “There, there, have a tissue. Do you have friends waiting? I’ll let them in, special exception for you.” A white tissue was pushed into his field of vision and Xiaojun took it with shaking hands.

“Y-yeah, I-I think. A Ma-Maltese and a B-Bengalese?”

“Can you tell me what hair I have to look for? I don’t know the last thing about this.”

“W-white dog and o-orange striped cat.” Xiaojun hadn’t seen them, but he knew they both had been there. Hopefully, the man would find them, hopefully, either of them was still around!

Hopefully, Chenle didn’t think badly of him, now that he knew what Xiaojun had tried and what had given him that scar he kept thinking was something showing bravery and not surrender.

“ _Xiaojun, hey,”_ Kun’s gentle voice pulled him from his worries, and he felt a hand over his back, gently pushing him and making him sit down. Of course, Kun was there, how could he have had doubt for even a second?

_“That was amazing! You were amazing!”_ He softly soothed and Xiaojun hiccupped and nodded weakly.

_“You were so professional but so authentic! From what I heard, most of the statements were hardly usable because the attorney and the men scared the Hybrids and many didn’t even say anything, but you gave such good information and you didn’t let them throw you off whatsoever._

_“I’m so proud of you! You should have seen the man’s face when he realised he wasn’t going to stop you! They all know they’re damn guilty of everything, but with you, and surely Ten’s, statements, there’s the proof they needed.”_

Kun squeezed him tightly, but his hands were trembling where he was grabbing Xiaojun’s shoulders. Kun had already known this, but Xiaojun suspected he’d feel upset over being reminded of what had been – just like himself.

Yet, he was here for Xiaojun, holding him tight, like his personal angel. Kun smelt of himself, the same wonderful scent only he always carried, and Xiaojun was able to swallow past the tears and his emotions slowly calmed down.

_“It wasn’t even as scary as I thought it’d be. The judge was… really nice?”_ Xiaojun rasped. He did feel bad for the other Hybrids, though he couldn’t say he was surprised.

He was glad he hadn’t known his statement would be the first usable evidence beforehand, or he might have not been able to do this well with the additional pressure. However, it also made him even prouder and happier he had managed to not let anything throw him off track.

_“Yeah. I think despite the other statements not really being useful as evidence… they were… rather horrifying regarding the aspect of just how much harm was done. After seeing that so many times, I think everyone was worn a little thin. I only saw two and it was really awful.”_

_“Damn.”_ The good news was: those 24 for sure wouldn’t have to go back. They could stay with their new owners, all hand-picked by the organisation, and heal. Xiaojun had been able to do it, and so would they be. Xiaojun thought about his family and friends, and suddenly realised something that had been lost in his mess of a mind before.

_“Uh, say, did you see Chenle? He wanted to come but I’m not sure… is he here?”_

Immediately, the thundering of feet against the ground picked up and before realising what was happening, Xiaojun was already buried under a small Maltese Hybrid.

_“They- they- they, I hate them so much! You’re r-really so brave, urgh Harry Potter could ne-never!”_  Chenle sniffled, and Xiaojun panicked when realising he was feeling the wetness of tears against his shoulder, where Chenle’s face was pressed.

_“I… am?”_

_“Duh! Urgh, sorry, but urgh.”_ Chenle started squeezing Xiaojun’s neck so tightly, it was a little hard to breathe, but he didn’t mind it.

_“I’m-I’m sorry for not being able to tell you earlier but, uhm, I feel ashamed.”_

_“Shut up, you don’t owe me a-any explanation, nothing, just let me cry. This day was too much, first the complete i-idiots trying to steal the flyers, then that asshole at the e-entrance who wanted to triple check my damn collar and read that h-horrible name, and now this. You were so brave and… and…”_

Xiaojun nodded. Sometimes, crying was extremely helpful! He had just done it as well. He kept rubbing Chenle’s back. Thought his legs started losing feeling from his weight pressing down on them, he couldn’t find himself caring enough to ask his friend to move.

Xiaojun had just done such a huge thing alone, but he hated being alone, he could only bear it for a moment. Especially for a life-changing one.

Now, he needed this, his best friend, despite still softly crying into his stiff shirt, flattening him into the chair, and his maybe-boyfriend holding his hand and gently caressing the back of it with his thumb.

Other than Chenle’s sniffling, the room was quiet, but it was the good type of quiet, the one that didn’t need to be broken.

 

It took another twenty minutes, then, Ten came into the room, looking pale.

“There’s a cuddle pile? I thought no outsiders allowed!” he asked, voice still a little shaky but with a smile. He settled on Kun’s lap, wrapping his arm around his shoulders and Kun looked a bit pressed but didn’t push him off.

“The guard was nice to me and said he was making an exception. Maybe he didn’t know how to deal with crying.” Xiaojun explained. Chenle had calmed down but was still lying on top of him like a much big and warm blanket – also a very heavy blanket.

“Damn, I should have cried to get my boyfriend and my best friend, too.” Ten joked, before becoming serious again, “How did it go? When did you start to cry? Did the attorney ask mean questions?”

“Only when I got outside.” Xiaojun puffed his chest, as much as he could with Chenle still using him as a pillow. Ten released the suffering Kun and pulled up a chair. “The attorney didn’t want to ask anything after and his objections were rejected. The judge asked one thing after and a few between, but he was very fair. Almost nice?”

“Yeah, he was. The attorney tried to get me to say I was officially sold, it was so stressful. Luckily, lawyer Wu cut in and reminded a Hybrid could not be bindingly sold without their passport. Oh, and my handler kept making these mean gestures, what an arrogant asshole, like I ever submitted to that shit.” Ten snorted.

“I didn’t even look at them.” Xiaojun realised he had stressed himself so much and hadn’t even used his new skill.

“Good. They don’t deserve it.” Ten snorted. Xiaojun found himself agreeing. They didn’t. But he could have if he had wanted to.

“Did they say when they’d finish?” Kun asked.

“Should be soon, but I think I heard there won’t be a verdict today.”

“Why not?” Chenle asked, his voice sounding scratchy and tired. Xiaojun hugged him a little tighter.

“It’s not that easy. They could go into revision if they think there’s even a small chance to overrule the judgement. But I do think we have reason to hope they get what they deserve!” Ten explained.

“If it’s to make the verdict better, then it’s good if they take time.” Xiaojun softly agreed. He wanted to hear the result quickly, however, it might be like recovery – to get it right and to make it last, it took time.

 

Even though there hadn’t been any judgement made yet, Xiaojun felt like a weight had been taken off his shoulders. Of course, it’d be a disappointment if, for some reason, the monsters would be rules innocent, however, Xiaojun knew he had done his all to contribute to getting them the punishment they deserved.

More importantly, he had been listened to.

 

He wasn’t sure where people got his photo from, but he found it in articles and on newspapers, next to Ten, some of the other Hybrids from the brothel, and a few members of the organisation, most notably, Donghyuck.

Unlike him, Xiaojun wasn’t in it for the fame. Well, not that Donghyuck was in it for the fame, but he certainly didn’t mind the attention.

He just wished things would actually change.

And, on a very small scale, they already had.

Just like Chenle had mentioned, there were humans treating them like people, no questions asked. Xiaojun realised it had already gotten more and more for the last weeks, but it seemed to have exponentially grown after the big report on national news. There were questions of genuine curiosity asked. Not the degrading type, maybe some still too superficial and too much driven by the idea of measuring worth through looks and pedigree, but usually coming from a place of interest and the will to learn.

If only a few weeks could evoke this kind of change, Xiaojun wondered what a few years might be able to achieve.

_“Oh my god, don’t let go!”_

Xiaojun laughed as Kun clung to his arm like a boa, _“I thought you had done this before?”_

_“No, I’ve seen this on TV before, at the Olympics!”_

Kun screeched when Xiaojun picked up the pace a little, dragging him along. He slowed down immediately, but he felt like, for the first time, Kun was being a little dramatic. It was cute!

_“Ge, you just have to let go, if you tighten up so much obviously it won’t work, you need to let go and use your body!”_

Xiaojun carefully scooted around the rink while Kun refused to take advise. He hardly cared. It was nice to have him hold on so tightly and trust him to keep him safe and pull him around.

There was loud pop music from the speakers, the type that made you want to dance a little, and children were screaming and laughing where they were racing each other. Xiaojun saw a few other couples, who also had come on a date, but no one else looked quite as ridiculous as Kun. To think he, of all people, would be like this made Xiaojun giggle even more over the situation.

_“Use your tail, it helps with the balance.”_

_“I’m trying, it’s stuck!”_

Xiaojun really wasn’t trying to laugh at Kun, but he was being so silly, he couldn’t not.

_“Think of Elsa! This fits perfectly! There’s ice, there’s fear, now you only have to let it go! Let it go, can’t hold it back anymore!”_ Xiaojun picked up the pace a little and Kun looked at him in a mix of amazement and horror. _“Let it go, let it go, turn ahead and freely skate!”_

The lyrics were terrible, but Kun started laughing and relaxed, realising he wasn’t going to smash into the ice any given moment he wasn’t clinging to Xiaojun. A small group of little girls and boys skated past them, loudly and wrongly tooting the song Xiaojun had just started.

Kun seemed to realise he was almost skating, all on his own, and looked up at Xiaojun with big eyes.

_“This isn’t even that hard.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I’m such an idiot.”_

_“No, you’re not! I will fight anyone who puts you down, even if you do it yourself.”_ Xiaojun huffed and playfully waved a fist.

_“Okay, okay, I was unreasonably scared.”_

 

Their paid hour passed much too quickly, but luckily, Kun didn’t seem eager to go home yet either.

They got hot chocolate for Xiaojun, who wasn’t a fan of bitter tastes, and tea for Kun, who wasn’t a fan of drinks with copious levels of sugar, and walked through the mall, just window shopping and discussing the most recent news posted on the various musical news sites they both followed avidly. Xiaojun wasn’t even that obsessed with musical actors and actresses, but the way Kun talked about training, vocal range, and dancing techniques, he still found himself enthralled and willing to listen for hours on end.

Xiaojun knew it was a little risky to hold hands openly, but they were getting some nasty looks simply for leaving the house, so, he could live with a few more if he got to hold Kun’s hand in turn. Luckily, the mindset was shared.

Kun kept drawing small circles on the back of his hand. The music, echoing from both the shops they passed and from the ice rink on the lowest floor up through the open design of the mall to where they were walking, and the chattering of other people was like background noise.

“ _Do you want to go somewhere else after this_?” Kun asked when they stood on the escalator to the uppermost floor.

Xiaojun tried to get the last drop of not-hot-anymore chocolate, wondering what Kun might be referring to, when it hit him.

He had been thinking about it a few more times ever since deciding it needed to be addressed, but he just… hadn’t wanted to talk about it. Not yet, there still would be a chance later, was what he had kept thinking. Instead of facing the issue, he had allowed himself to cling to Kun and the idea of maybe becoming boyfriends for real for a little longer rather than risking it with things that might end it.

It wasn’t something he could change, he had been born like this, but that only made the fear of rejection worse. He wanted Kun to accept him, all of him.

He needed to talk about it now. He liked Kun so much. He knew this was going down a path he was unfamiliar with but would only bond himself stronger to Kun and make this revelation harder down the line, and Kun deserved to know as being directly affected.

If it would be a deal-breaker, he’d only hurt Kun, too, by keeping it a secret and allow progress without all cards open.

His palms were sweaty and he felt out of his element for one of the first times around Kun, who was so comfortable and easy to trust normally.

_“Right, uh, since this is the third date, isn’t it? You would want to go somewhere and have sex?”_

Kun immediately choked on his tea and started to cough like he was suffocating.

Xiaojun panicked, quickly patting his back how he knew helped. Kun stumbled off the escalator, still gasping for air, and Xiaojun hurried to guide him away from the next couple of people arriving on the top floor.

_“Wh-what? What on earth, Xiaojun?”_ Kun wheezed, his face bright red – probably both from the lack of oxygen and the shyness he always displayed when it came to the topic.

_“Well, that’s what I read?”_ Xiaojun understood it was private and maybe a bit of an awkward topic, but there needed to be a common ground!

_“I wouldn’t, oh my god, I wouldn’t ask any of that from you, just because it would so happen it’s the third date.”_

_“Oh. Well, I just thought you’d want to?”_ Actually, Xiaojun had been rather sure about it. He still vividly recalled the dark eyes Kun had given him twice by now.

_“No, what?”_ Kun blushed impossibly deeper, waving his hands.

“ _Don’t lie, I know you got hard a few times.”_ Xiaojun wasn’t blind, nor was he oblivious, and he wasn’t going to let Kun out of this easy if they had yet to get to the actually important part.

_“Good lord, in a mall out of all places…”_ Kun whispered pressing down a hand on his heart. _“Okay, so, maybe, but that was just... a reaction. We don’t have to act on that, especially if you don’t feel ready to. It’s only fun if both are into it.”_

_“Oh. Ah, yeah, that… there might be an issue there, kinda. Because I don’t really ever get horny.”_

Kun closed his eyes and seemed to look for inner strength before asking, _“Is it because of me?”_

_“No! Nononono! I never do, never have. On the contrary, with you, I thought you were hot a few times, that was very new. If anything, you are the only person I’d want to sleep with – but for you not for myself. I just don’t have the drive or reaction._

_“Like when we make out a little more. It’s not that different for me from normal kissing. Well, yes, it is in a way and I really like it, but for me, that’s enough, just kissing and cuddling. I don’t need more. But it’s not because of you but because of me, and it’s not broken or anything, I just lack the desire for sex.”_

Kun nodded, having listened attentively, _“So… you’re asexual?”_ he carefully asked.

Xiaojun shrugged, _“Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t want to call it something only to realise that’s not it. I feel like I’m just escaping labels and boxes, so I don’t really want to give myself a new one. I’m still figuring it out, and I really want to figure it out, uh, with you.”_

Kun smiled, looking extremely relieved and also a little less like a striped tomato.

_“Okay. I respect that, you don’t have to if it doesn’t feel right. And… if you want to figure it out w-with me, that’d… I’d be very excited to be there for you and follow you on that trip of discovery and if it turns out you don’t want to do anything that’s okay as well… yeah, I just want to be there for you in general, for everything. I will probably have to figure things out, too. I’ve never had anyone this special, like you. I’ve never liked anyone as much as I like you, and I never felt what I feel for you for anyone else.”_

Xiaojun felt his thoughts start to swim in this weird fuzziness of affection, almost… love? Was that love? For Kun? He swallowed and nodded.

_“So you would keep dating even if we might not have a lot of sex and if we do I might not really be into it for the sex but only for you? I… I need to be sure because it’s not something I can change, and I don’t want to change. I want to be accepted for myself, this included.”_

_“Yes! Yes, I do! Darn it, Xiaojun, this is why you have conversations like this in private, so I can kiss you for half an hour right after and don’t suffer a heart attack from someone possibly overhearing.”_ Kun squeezed his hand, looking rather red again, _“I know we can figure this out, together, okay? To see what works for you and for me and for us two together._

_“I would try to redirect the Han, at this point. And I… gosh, Xiaojun, I want to kiss you so much for everything: for talking to me and telling me, and for not backing down and trying to please and sneak through the cracks but knowing you deserve to be respected and accepted for yourself without having to change a single thing. Because you do! And I want to do all of that for you.”_

_“Is that pretty hot, then?”_ Xiaojun asked, grinning stupidly over Kun’s words, over having done the right thing in speaking his mind, and over having kept the hope that they’d work together to make it work.

_“It’s fucking hot,”_ Kun whispered, his gaze intense, and Xiaojun felt his heart do a summersault in his chest. _“So, can we please change the topic now and continue this elsewhere later?”_

_“Sure. If it wasn’t a hotel, where did you want to go after?”_

_“I thought of the park or maybe Noraebang.”_

“Oh, that’s nice! I like either.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Regarding XJ’s sexuality: I wrote him using both experiences of people identifying as demi and as asexual (remember, asexual doesn’t have to mean a person cannot still have sex and enjoy it for their own reasons). I feel like XJ leans into grey asexual but you can be the judge of that.
> 
> Sexuality is fun yet complicated and the experience can change depending on the person you’re with and the new experiences you make. Not everything has to be labelled, but everything can if the label feels right for you~
> 
>  
> 
> I got quite a few people asking about Yukhei and the chaos trio’s story. I’d really love to hear what you’d want to read? How far back do you feel I should go? To when YY was adopted? CL? JS? Just something playing at the same time as Moon Diamond/Lion Heart? I’m still as inspired as a sea cucumber, but I’m really curious, please leave me a dm on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/155Fox) or [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155) <3


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I’m so sorry this is late, I was at my grandparents’ and ended up not having time and energy to edit! AH! It’s the last chapter ;;;

“Xiaojun, pass here! I’m free!”

Xiaojun’s head snapped to the left to see his teammate waving her arms, no one standing between himself and her to block.

Before someone could put themselves there, he threw the ball her direction. It was a little short and she had to run up to catch it, but managed to get her hands on it. The other team was too slow to get into the way. She was immediately tailed by two trying to stop her but she pulled ahead to their basket.

Xiaojun held his breath, while someone else yelled her name, and the ball flew in a perfect curve, going through the hoop, making the chains of the basket knock together and cling, before falling back down into the field.

Someone slammed into him from behind, wrapping their arms around him and yelling in celebration, and Xiaojun finally took a deep breath, before joining the chorus of her name, jumping up and down with his teammate.

Winter was slowly, slowly being chased away by spring. In late February, it was still too early to wait for the first blossoms, but the sun was gaining back her strength, gearing up to soon warm the city.

It was definitely too warm to keep on a jacket while playing basketball. Xiaojun had only ever stood on the sidelines and never gotten enough exercise to make him sweat, but today, he was only in his hoodie, too.

Admittedly, he felt nervous and he was scared to mess up, but so far, it had gone well.

Chenle poked out his tongue when Xiaojun grinned his direction.

“ _Don’t get cocky, we’ll still beat you!”_

_“You can try.”_ Xiaojun laughed before getting back into position before the ball was thrown in the air for the next round.

 

When their time on the field was up, and Xiaojun was feeling like every single muscle in his body hated him for forcing it through physical activity, Chenle’s team was in the lead, but no one really was upset.

Xiaojun had understood that a while ago. It wasn’t about the result, maybe a little, but it was mainly about the game and about having fun.

To have fun, he didn’t need to be perfect. Especially when everyone kept showing him new skills and tricks to improve the precision of his throwing, his dribbling, and his attention on the field to which move would make sense next.

It made him happy, and it made him even more glad Chenle had been brave enough to ask to join back then.

However, his happy bubble was disrupted by someone stepping next to him, asking:

“Hey, I read you were one of the witnesses in the case of doctor Moon?”

A cold shiver ran down Xiaojun’s spine. Not because of the case or the monsters.

But because he hadn’t told any of them. It linked him to his past, to one that wasn’t very nice and that was the reason why people on the street pursed their lips and glared at him. They thought he was dirty for being the victim in the situation.

“Yeah, me, too, I was surprised to see your face in the article.”

More chimed in and the dread felt like a rock in his stomach. He had to answer. He wanted to answer! Maybe, none of them would mind? He had to have faith in them! Xiaojun looked up from his water bottle, “I am.”

“Shit, you come from a place like that? I saw the report on the news, my little sister actually cried.”

Xiaojun felt his fingers cramp around his bottle. Was that bad? Would this change how the others saw him? Would they behave differently? Would they think less of him now?

He didn’t want that, he enjoyed going to the park with Chenle, a lot, and it had to do with the others treating him like he was absolutely no different from them.

“Yeah, I’m… from there.”

Xiaojun’s bottle cracked from the strength of his grip pushing the plastic inward and his eyes flitted around to find Chenle, who was suddenly much too far away.

Chenle looked about as clueless and worried as Xiaojun felt, however, someone patted his arm from his left and someone else started ruffling his hair from the right.

“You’re a survivor!”

“I’m so glad you made it out of there and you’re still such a cutie!”

“Yeah! Me, too, fuck those guys, right?”

“I’ll keep my fingers crossed even tighter for a fair and appropriate verdict!”

Xiaojun’s worries burst in his chest as more and more words of support and encouraging pats came from all around him.

It felt almost surreal.

Xiaojun actually had found so many people who supported him and did so unconditionally.

He had to blink away tears, not wanting to cry, but he was so happy.

No one even asked uncomfortable questions. They just went back to slowly packing up and talking about school. Chenle slipped up next to him.

_“That was a shock,”_ Xiaojun whispered, still unable to move, his bottle gripped tightly while the first people started to leave.

_“Yeah. It was. But… it turned out completely fine.”_

_“More than completely fine, I think. Do you think I could consider the others my friends?”_

_“Dude, of course, they are! We’ve been playing together for weeks now.”_

_“Oh.”_ Xiaojun nodded. It almost felt as dizzying as he often felt with Kun. It wasn’t the same, of course. Having friends and having romance, those were different emotions and different bonds, but it was just as precious to Xiaojun. _“Then I’m even more glad they were accepting.”_

_“Yeah. Yeah, I am, too.”_ Chenle whispered and Xiaojun knew there was more behind it in his case as well, so, he quickly started caressing the back of his head and Chenle leaned against him, humming in content.

“Hey, Xiaojun-Oppa?” They both turned in unison, to look at the girl that was the only one still at the benches with them. She smiled up at him, face still pink from the exhaustion. “I was wondering if, uh, if you’d like to go have bubble tea with me?”

Xiaojun was about to agree when Chenle cut in.

“Sorry, Jisoo, he has a boyfriend.”

“Oh. Well, that’s unfortunate but understandable. I just thought I’d give it a shot. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you, Oppa. See you next week!” She grabbed her bag and turned, rushing off in a hurry.

Xiaojun looked after her in confusion for a second, then turned to Chenle.

_“Wasn’t it just an invitation for bubble tea?”_

_“Seriously, you’re so oblivious sometimes… thank god you have me, or you’d still be cluelessly pining after Kun-Ge, wouldn’t you?”_

_“Maybe. Anyway, do you want to get bubble tea, fully non-romantically?”_

_“Aw, of course, I do.”_

 

Thursday was rolling around slowly, and Xiaojun wasn’t sure whether to be impatient or hope it’d just be cancelled on short notice – sorry, no Thursday this week, we’ll go straight to Friday.

Seeing how they generally were the days Xiaojun dreaded, he felt like he treated them unfairly in comparison to the other weekdays. It wasn’t Thursdays’ fault the court had chosen them as the day for Taeil’s trial.

_“Xiaojun, come on, it’s time to get up”_

_“Noooo.”_

_“Why is it always the same with you?”_

Xiaojun wished he could feel sympathetic for Kun, who sounded like he was suffering, but he really couldn’t be bothered. The bed was warm, soft, and comfortable, and Kun was warm and not really soft, but still a great pillow…

_“Come on, today is the big day, you don’t want to sleep through it, do you?”_

_“Don’t care.”_

Kun sighed deeply and started running his fingers over Xiaojun’s ears, making him even sleepier than he already had been.

_“Baby, come on, time to get up,”_ Kun whispered and Xiaojun all but jerked upright, feeling his entire face and body flush hot at the words and tone, and how Kun had scratched over his scalp just a little. _“Oh? That’s the trick?”_ Kun pushed himself to sit up, eyebrows raised at Xiaojun, who was scrambling for words, but came up empty. He felt the heat radiate off his face, his heart hammering in his ears.

_“I, I, I…”_

_“God, you’re cute!”_ Kun reached out and pinched his cheek, before climbing from the bed.

Xiaojun took a moment to collect himself. The bed shook, and Yuta jumped from the lowest step, stretching and yawning. As much as he liked Yuta, he wished, just for today, they had the room for themselves, so he could get back at Kun for making him feel this flustered before 8 am.

“Morning. I dreamt some seriously weird stuff. I was on a flower field, it was summer, and all of you were there, too, but then Godzilla came to destroy everything, only he wasn’t there for the sake of destruction but because his heart had been broken by some other monster and… yeah, it was bonkers.” Yuta shook his head.

Xiaojun furrowed his brows. The flower field… that sounded awfully familiar!

However, where Godzilla had come from in the scenario was, indeed, a little questionable.

 

Xiaojun stared at the big clock in the living room, but the minutes were creeping by today, the hand hardly moving at all.

Doyoung had tried to hold classes as normal, but Xiaojun had been a lost cause, and Jeno had gone to the court park with Jaehyun, both to bring and pick up Taeil, and for the protest.

Xiaojun had considered going as well, but there were only so many unfortunate photos of himself he wanted to see in the news, so he had opted to stay at home after Taeil had promised to tell them the second the judge spoke his verdict. It was a shared mindset between him and all the others. Weren’t it for their bond with Taeil as their owner, Jaehyun and Jeno would have probably stayed home just like everyone else, where they’d be ensured privacy instead of nosy reporters.

Obviously, they wanted the reporters to be there, but it was a double-edged sword.

Ten kept tapping his phone screen, updating the Kakao talk app. Sicheng was stretched over his lap, like an emotional-support Hybrid, but the tip of Ten’s tail kept moving restlessly. Johnny was leaned over the sofa’s backrest, watching the screen in just as much anticipation and moving a whole lot more to deal with the stress.

Xiaojun looked at the clock again, dug his chin deeper into Guanheng’s shoulder, and squeezed his hand a little tighter. Taeyong came from the bathroom, looked around, and left again.

**“Do you plan to break a bone?”**

**“No, that’d be really inconvenient right now.”**

**“I’ll get permanent nerve damage at least! When is Kun-Go going to come? This is hell.”**

Xiaojun sighed and looked at the clock. **“In four minutes unless the kittens take longer to vaccinate.”**

**“They better not or I’ll never be able to write, worse, jack off again. What a nightmare.”**

**“I wish I could relate.”**

**“I feel like all your snark gets lost the moment you switch from Cantonese, no one ever believes me you bully me.”**

Xiaojun shrugged and looked at the clock, then over at Ten.

There was a love bite on his neck. He had tried to hide it under a high neck sweater, but it was just a little too far up. Xiaojun knew it hadn’t been there yesterday, so Johnny must have put it there when Ten had slept over.

He was reminded of when Ten had held onto Johnny’s sweater back at the doctor’s office. It was probably why he had slept over: for support. Even though Ten shared the bed with Jaehyun and Jeno, there was something that only Johnny could give him.

Xiaojun understood, he understood it all too well. He knew if Kun were here and not working, he’d be less on edge.

This was Ten’s chance to close this chapter of his life. Xiaojun’s handler was already behind bars – Ten’s wasn’t.

This was, what Xiaojun found so beautiful about love.

He heard the lock of the front door announce Kun, Jungwoo, and Yuta were coming for the early lunch break, but the same moment, Ten squeaked and straightened up, eyes flitting over the screen.

Xiaojun’s heart seemed to stop as he watched Ten’s expression, waiting to hear what news he had gotten. Tears started to pool in his ice-blue eyes, and Xiaojun worried for a moment – was it bad news, or good? Were these happy tears or ones of frustration and anger?

“Three… three years for fraud and 15 years for… for…” Ten’s voice broke. Xiaojun felt tears rise in his eyes as well. So, they were going to go to prison? He bit down on Guanheng’s sweater in distress. He needed to know everything! He had to have certainty!

Johnny gently took the phone from Ten and carried on:

“Mr Jo, Mr Min, and Mr Park each were charged with a prison sentence of three years for fraud, Mr Jo, Mr Min, and Mr Kwon were each charged with 15 years for emotional and physical abuse of illegally obtained and unregistered Hybrids in 26 cases, and Mr Park with 20 years for the same but with harder circumstances. Additionally, there’ll be five years of prison for Mr Jo and Mr Min for bulgary and trespassing. They furthermore will have to pay Doctor Moon reparations for damage to his property and for pain and suffering. Holy shit, 1 billion Won!” Johnny looked up from Ten’s phone, and there were tears in his eyes as well.

Xiaojun’s brain was so overwhelmed, the words wouldn’t quite sink in.

Everything… had been worth it?

The monsters were actually going to go to prison? And for decades at that?

“That’s good… right?” Guanheng softly asked, and Xiaojun realised he had been holding his breath for so long he was starting to feel dizzy and was still clinging to him for dear life.

He jumped up, half-dragging Guanheng along.

“Fuck yes!” His yell echoed through the entire living room, and it contained all the worries over whether or not anyone would actually listen and take them seriously.

They had been listened to. They had been taken seriously.

They had gotten justice!

Someone picked him up and twirled him around, and Xiaojun screamed in surprise, then in euphoria, until Yuta let him back down. Xiaojun noticed Ten was crying when he hugged him, but he was probably crying himself, and Sicheng was also crying, and it was a huge mess of shouting and jumping and hugging until Xiaojun’s voice was sore and all his tears had dried up.

The last person, he found himself in the arms of, was Kun.

His eyes were bright, the same stunning green they always were, and his lashes were still a little wet and stuck together, looking like they were black when they weren’t.

He could still get lost in them, Xiaojun was sure there wouldn’t be a time when he’d not be able to, there wouldn’t be a time when Kun wouldn’t be the most beautiful person to him and the one making his heart go haywire and his emotions tumble all over the place, feel so safe and taken care off, yet so unlike anything he ever felt before or felt with anybody else.

And as he got lost in this world reserved for only himself and Kun, he saw Kun do the same.

Xiaojun leaned forward just a bit and pecked his lips against Kun’s for the shortest second.

The same moment, a camera shutter went off.

Kun jerked away and Xiaojun turned to glare at Guanheng, who was grinning like a madman, typing away on his phone.

“Sorry, but that’ll bring me both honour and glory, and hard cash. Or are you two still pretending to not be head over heels for each other?” he paused and looked up.

“They were pretending they weren’t? Why did no one tell me?” Taeyong asked, sounding concerned.

“Don’t worry, they were both terrible at it,” Jungwoo assured him.

Xiaojun exchanged a glance with Kun, who shrugged “Well, guess not. This is my boyfriend Xiaojun, please be nice to him or he will punch you.”

“Hyung!” Xiaojun whined, but he felt warm happiness fill him while everyone around nodded with varying degrees of fake-seriousness on their faces.

“Excuse me? I don’t remember I approved of this union. This is my child!” Yuta interrupted and dramatically launched himself across the room to fake-sob against Xiaojun’s shoulder. “They grow up so quickly.”

“One time. For one time, I wished I had a normal family.” Doyoung muttered, rubbing his temples.

Xiaojun patted Yuta’s back but he couldn’t stop smiling even though his face was already hurting from the strain.

He was so happy.

 

 

 

“Jeno, I can’t brush if you keep wiggling around.” Xiaojun tried to smoothly run the brush over Jeno’s tail, but it kept abruptly moving sidewards to escape the bristles.

“No, I can’t hold still, Hyung, this feels wrong! I hate it!”

“But you’ll shed all over the flat. I have to do this twice a day all year!” Xiaojun really didn’t understand why Jeno didn’t enjoy this. It was like brushing hair. Of course, it was just as sensitive, but it wasn’t like he was pulling out any. Jeno’s Labrador genes had given him short, sturdy fur on his tail that didn’t tangle. He was just brushing out those winter fur hairs already loose.

“You’re used to it.”

That was probably it. Xiaojun ran the brush over Jeno’s tail again, a bit of black hair flying, and the other squeaked miserably.

“We can just agree that fur change is some curse we get for being so cute and great, to make up for it somehow or humans would feel even sadder over not being us,” Jaemin grumbled, throwing a bundle of fur into the rubbish bin.

“I just want it to be over,” Jeno whined.

“You sound like you’re giving birth, seriously,” Guanheng laughed from where he sat on the edge of the tub, his legs crossed and balancing effortlessly.

“I would never impose I know how much that must hurt, okay, please, can we stop?”

Xiaojun shrugged and let a furball drop into the same bin Jaemin had just used.

There was a knock on the doorframe, and Taeyong poked his head inside.

“Xiaojun? Uh, there’s someone who’s asking explicitly for you. And it’s not the press this time. He’s down in the entrance hall, with Ten.”

“Who is it?”

“I don’t know, he doesn’t speak Korean and Kun was helping Jungwoo-Hyung, but he looks pretty desperate and not overly dubious, so it should be fine, I hope?”

Someone asking for him, desperate but not too dubious, and it wasn’t the press?

Xiaojun carefully put the brush aside and got up. He felt his fur stick up a little, but if the others were there he’d be safe.

Just… who should this mysterious person be?

He followed Taeyong to put on shoes and walk down the flight of stairs, nervousness slowly rising more and more. The same question kept repeating itself over in his head: who on earth was going to look for him?

Ten was behind his desk, looking as important and professional as ever, and in front of it, leaning against it and tapping his fingers, was…

_“Master Han?”_

Ten jerked around, and the human immediately straightened, finding Xiaojun in the door.

“You know him?” Taeyong asked, and Xiaojun felt his hand on his arm.

“Y-yes. That’s-that’s my breeder.”

Immediately, both Taeyong and Ten bristled. The human in front of the desk didn’t notice, he wasn’t paying them any attention, only looking at him.

_“Xiaojun! I can’t believe it’s actually you! I didn’t think I’d ever see you again!”_

The man smiled and Xiaojun felt himself tighten up.

He couldn’t ignore all the lies the man had raised him in, and he couldn’t go back to seeing him as an infallible saint. He was to blame for a lot of what had gone wrong in his life, and for a lot of pain.

He also hadn’t expected to ever see him again, but now he was here, in front of him, smiling like he actually cared about him. Like he hadn’t made Xiaojun into a mindless marionette and then sold him off without second thought.

_“Why are you here? Why do you care? It was you who sold me, knowing you’d never see me again.”_ Xiaojun heard his voice shake a little from anger.

_“I know. But never in my wildest dreams had I expected the shop owner to call back three weeks later and return your passport, apologising for having lost you in a quarrel.”_

_“It’s still your fault. You were the first one to treat me like I’m some fucking ware or toy, so, I didn’t even know I wasn’t one until recently. No wonder they treated me like shit when that was normal for me.”_ Mr Han flinched and Xiaojun fully expected to be put in place for his language, but he didn’t care.

There were so many things that had hurt him, so many things he had disregarded and done to him when he had been young and impressionable.

What on earth was he here for? Did he think Xiaojun had missed him? Would want to go back to him? That was laughable!

Xiaojun was about to let him know, but Mr Han spoke first:

_“I know. I’m sorry, I’m deeply sorry, Xiaojun.”_

The words of accusation, all the things that had been on his mind and he’d been waiting to throw at the person responsible, suddenly died on Xiaojun’s tongue. He stared at the man.

Never, ever, in his whole life had Mr Han apologised to a Hybrid.

_“I came to tell you that. After losing you, I got the police involved. I know I… treated you like an object, but in the end, I still felt responsible. I put you into this world, I needed to make sure you were fine. But they didn’t even try to investigate, not over a Hybrid. It bothered me. A lot. I reconsidered my life choices, my behaviour, everything. It kept me up at night, but no matter how much I tried, I always came to the conclusion it was me, who was the bad guy in the scenario._

_“I couldn’t live with myself anymore, so, I stopped doing what I realised was wrong. I’ll be retiring in 11 years, when the last kittens will have been sold. To a good new home, where they get treated at least with as much respect as people will give a Hybrid._

_“I saw you on TV, a few days ago when a friend sent me a clip from a Korean news show, talking about this trial that took place last month. I nearly didn’t believe my eyes. I immediately shuffled everything around and came. I know this could be the one chance to tell you I’m genuinely sorry.”_

Xiaojun tried to blink tears away, but it wouldn’t quite work.

_“Thank you,”_ He whispered and his breeder smiled a little. He looked old, Xiaojun realised, much older than he remembered him to be. He would never be the infallible saint ever again, mainly because Xiaojun had realised people, generally, weren’t infallible. The apology helped him see a bit clearer. He now saw just a person – neither saint or demon. It helped him to take a deep breath and let the anger go.

“ _He’s your new owner, isn’t he?”_ the man nodded his direction and Xiaojun turned, seeing Taeil in the door behind himself, Kun whispering into his ear, likely translating. Mr Han wasn’t here to take him back, and even if, Xiaojun wouldn’t have come.

“ _Yeah.”_

_“I’d like him to have your documents then. It’s always easier with them, just because of the system. And I also brought you something.”_

Mr Han was here to close a chapter – for him and, indirectly, for Xiaojun.

Xiaojun slowly stalked over to where he was standing, Taeyong still holding his arm and coming along. He swallowed when he saw the red passport. It looked a little battered, like it had been read 200 times and passed through at least half that many people’s hands. However, more importantly, were the three notebooks the man put on the counter.

Now, Xiaojun really couldn’t hold back a sob. He picked them up and flipped the first open. His writing was messy like only a young boy’s would be, but the melody he had thought of writing this was immediately back in his head. He closed it and opened the next.

Through his tears, he couldn’t properly focus on it, but he knew it was the only photo with his mum he had. He couldn’t remember it, but it was glued into the notebook forever, and her curled writing on the page next to it reminded him of a person he had never known but that had loved him.

He had never gotten to experience her unconditional love through more than her words in this notebook. He wished he had, he wished she had been there before Taeil had come into his life, bringing this love and a family that was there for him through thick and thin.

She hadn’t, but at least he had her words again now.

Xiaojun hugged them to his chest and felt someone gently put an arm around his shoulders, soothing him.

_“Th-thank you! I… you kept them?”_

_“Yes, I did. I keep all the belongings my kittens never took. Maybe it’s a sick way of convincing myself what I’m doing isn’t wrong. Well. Let’s not talk too much about that. You no longer need me. You found your place, a much better one than I have ever given you.”_ Xiaojun knew he was right. There was no use crying over what might be happening now at Mr Han’s place, over the thought he might have been able to grow up with his mum, experience this unconditional love from little on.

He had it now. He got it from people who really, genuinely wanted him and had made the biggest effort to show him. He wasn’t going to think this was in any way secondary to what scenarios his head came up with, so, he pushed them away. He leaned into Taeyong’s hug, that was warm and protective, trying to calm his tears.

“Mr Moon?” His breeder asked, and Taeil straightened up. Mr Han held out the passport, using both hands. “Please have it. Thank you for what you have done.”

Taeil accepted the red book, nodding, visibly stunned.

_“Xiaojun, will you ask him if everything looks good to him?”_

Xiaojun sniffed and swallowed, but Kun was faster:

“You should check if everything looks normal.”

“Oh. Okay.” Taeil muttered and flipped open the cover – only to immediately halt. He seemed to read once, twice, three times, then looked up, and turned so Xiaojun could read the page. “Is this really yours?”

Xiaojun eyes flitted over the page, filled with all the most important data: birthday: 8th of August 1999, sex: male, name, selling grades, selling height, selling weight, official registration number with the RHFCI. He had never seen it before but it all looked good to him.

“Yeah.”

“Your… your name?” Taeil stuttered and turned it again to read over where it was written, in both the Latin letters and Hanzi. “Your name is Dejun?”

“No. I… I mean, yes. But only on paper. My mother called me Xiaojun and you call me Xiaojun, so, that’s my name.”

“Oh. I see.” Taeil swallowed and blinked, closing the passport. “Well, in that case, tell him everything looks alright to me.”

 

 

 

Xiaojun had secretly always known it was good he had nothing to spend his pocket money on. That way, it had compiled into a respectable sum over the last months.

“ _Why are we at the LG arts centre_?” Kun asked softly. Xiaojun nervously crunched on the end of the wooden stick the man at the Takoyaki stand had given him two of after he had asked using the crooked Japanese he had learnt from Yuta.

Kun had eaten one, without Xiaojun even asking or suggesting it. It wasn’t much, but it had made Xiaojun happy, happier than he already was with his official-boyfriend hooking his arm into his and parading through Seoul.

Not even the nastiest glare from the dumbest businessman could ruin that for him.

“ _So, you know, the premiere of Mamma Mia was two days ago_?”

Of course, Kun knew. Xiaojun had seen him read the article with the same expression he always wore when reading about new openings.

“ _Yeah. Luna got amazing reviews for her voice and dancing.”_

_“So… I thought, in the back row, no one would really see our ears, right? We’d be really out of sight, but we’d still get to experience the magic of a live performance.”_

_“We… would.”_

_“Do you want to try?”_

There was a beat of silence and Xiaojun carefully eyed Kun, hoping to guess his thoughts, but Kun had an unreadable expression on. He turned his head to look back at Xiaojun, and he realised his eyes were a little shiny.

“ _Yeah, I want. I want to so, so much, but I would have never dared. I… thank you, Xiaojun! Seriously, you’re so courageous, it makes me be, too.”_

_“One person for patience and understanding, one person for stubbornness and courage!”_ Xiaojun felt a little light-headed over giving himself that title, but he knew he was.

_“Stubborn sounds too negative. I prefer unwaveringly determined.”_

_“I like whatever you like.”_ Xiaojun nuzzled his head against Kun’s shoulder. _“So, I already have the tickets, but we could wait outside for a bit longer so we don’t draw too much attention.”_

_“You already have the tickets? I would have paid for you, like a good older boyfriend.”_

_“I said before: I’m an adult, too!”_

_“Alright, alright. I think we should hide in some secluded corner before going in. I really want to kiss you right now.”_

_“I can work with that.”_ Xiaojun giggled and let Kun drag him along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

“ _Xiaojun.”_

A voice interrupts Xiaojun perfectly peaceful slumber. It’s a nice voice, but it’s still unappreciated. Kun really should know better by now. Xiaojun flops over and pins him down to the mattress.

_“Xiaojun I really need to get up, work doesn’t wait and with Ten on holiday it seems like it stacks up faster than normal.”_

_“You know the rule,”_ Xiaojun grumbles and opens one eye just enough to see the sun streaming into the big room. It’s a big room now, it has been for about a year, ever since Taeil had found a bigger place to move into. A place where there’s enough room to only share if you want to and no queue for the bathroom.

Okay, sometimes there still is one. But it’s not the norm.

Making it a home took a bit, but not really – because where his family is, is where his home is.

Kun chuckles and gently runs a hand over his jaw, tilting Xiaojun’s head up to carefully kiss him.

It lasts too short, how it always does for Xiaojun, and Kun frees himself to get dressed for the day. Xiaojun reaches for his phone on the bedside table, checking the news and his notifications.

Donghyuck spammed the group with his face in different articles reporting about his success in entering college as the first Hybrid to do so, and Xiaojun feels himself start to smile widely. Jisung announced he was sure he’d break 1.80 m at the checkup today and they could all eat dust in the tiny-Hyung-club, and Taeyong asked who had bought Nutella.

Xiaojun perks up. He usually prefers soup, but if there’s Nutella? He’ll only have to figure out who the offender is. If it’s Yuta, it’ll be easy to get some. If it’s Jaemin… maybe not so much.

He switches over to the YouTube App. These days, it’s a bit hard to keep up with all the comments, but Xiaojun tries to read through as many as he can before having to inevitably get up.

His channel started off with only covers, Xiaojun hadn’t dared to share his own songs yet, feeling like their quality hadn’t been there yet.

A few weeks ago, he started to post them, slowly, in between popular songs.

They don’t get as many views as those well-known tracks, but it doesn’t bother him. He knows others worked hard for their success and he’s using it to build his own, so he doesn’t feel bitter. He will work hard to get to the point of reaching as many views as those established artists.

He has to admit those praising the depth of his lyrics, writing how beautiful they are and how much they can relate, make him happier than those that applaud his voice or his best friend’s piano skills.

Some ask for a face reveal. There are always some in his comments. Xiaojun knows there’d be many supporting him if they found out he was a Hybrid, not a human.

But there’d also be enough that wouldn’t.

A lot changed since the first closing of a Hybrid brothel and the verdict that accredited Hybrids with emotions strong enough to be hurt by abuse and with enough cognitive abilities to speak witness.

For ever positive voice, there’s still a negative one, one that the many different organisations in South Korea and all over the world try to reach and educate.

Maybe, one day, when he’s old, they’ll be quiet enough to make true equality possible.

Here, in the Heaven Taeil created so many years ago, it’s already the standard.

The door opens and Xiaojun looks up from his phone.

Kun crawls back onto the bed, now all dressed in white, save for the stitching on his chest – that’s in rainbow colours, thanks to Jungwoo overhauling the look of the medical office when it had moved into bigger rooms the same time the whole family had.

Xiaojun hooks his fingers into the uniform and Kun leans down to kiss him. It’s slow, gentle, how it usually is with Kun, and Xiaojun feels his chest so full of affection and love when he pulls away, he could burst.

_“Time to get up, baby.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can’t believe it’s over. It’s a bit hard for me to let go, it was for Moon Diamond as well, after writing it for so long and putting so much energy into the story and characters, but everything I wanted to tell is told.
> 
> I got so much support from you guys and I want to thank you all so, so much. I had so many worries when I first posted it, so I’m extra-happy I found an audience for this. I’ll miss the regular interactions, but I hope you’ll return for future works.
> 
> I still have a lot of ideas for this AU and a lot of characters still didn’t get to shine.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading, thank you for leaving Kudos, thank you for commenting, and hope to see you soon ~
> 
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox

**Author's Note:**

> Visuals of the cat/dog/bunny breed the genes come from (pls tell me when a link is broken):
> 
> [Xiaojun, Ragdoll](https://www.cozycatfurniture.com/image/ragdoll-cat.jpg)  
> [Kun, Bengalese Cat](https://www.bengalcats.co/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/thor-bengal-cat.jpg)  
> [Ten, Thai Cat](https://bowwowinsurance.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2018/10/siamese-cat-700x700.jpg)  
> [Yuta, Beagle](http://www.zooroyal.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/01/beagle-hunderasse-760x560.jpg)  
> [Jaehyun, Border Collie](https://img.ohmymag.de/alternative/tier/border-collie_c276ca8d399eee73a1c079a8558d4d7cc1304846.jpg)  
> [Jeno, Labrador Retriever](https://bilder.markt.de/images/cms/hunde/labradorwelpe.jpg)  
> [Taeyong, Russian Blue](https://azure.wgp-cdn.co.uk/app-yourcat/posts/russian_blue1.jpg)  
> [Doyoung, Holland Lop](https://i.pinimg.com/originals/62/c9/c1/62c9c1780151f45896b7fa72f20b7521.jpg)  
> [Guanheng, Shorthair](https://d17fnq9dkz9hgj.cloudfront.net/breed-uploads/2018/08/american-shorthair-detail.jpg?bust=1535566898&width=355)  
> [Sicheng, Dwarf Hotot](https://rabbitsforsaleinnebraska.files.wordpress.com/2014/12/172.jpg?w=640)  
> [Donghyuck, Shorthair](https://i.pinimg.com/564x/4f/47/a1/4f47a1149e238318689266c5f00a65bb.jpg)  
> [ Johnny, Rottweiler](https://www.animals-digital.de/fileadmin/Bilder_und_Fotos/Hunde/Hunderassen/Rottweiler/Rottweiler-3.jpg)  
> [Jisung, Samoyed](https://s3.amazonaws.com/cdn-origin-etr.akc.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/11/12212924/Samoyed-slide-5.jpg)  
> [Chenle, Maltese](https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/8/86/Maltese_puppy.jpeg/1280px-Maltese_puppy.jpeg)  
> [Yangyang, West Highland Terrier](https://www.zooplus.de/magazin/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/west-highland-white-terrier-im-grass-768x512.jpg)  
> [Jaemin, mix](https://i.imgur.com/b6eCPfU.jpg)  
>   
> [List of people with changed birthyears](https://i.ibb.co/JdGrDbc/Ages.jpg</a)  
>   
> This is what I imagine [Taeil's](https://i.ibb.co/q11W6FN/15-Taeil-s-Flat-V2.jpg) flat to look like, cleaned up that is.  
>   
> [CuriousCat](https://curiouscat.me/Fox_155)  
> Twitter: @155Fox


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